Standing in the queue at the super market this morning. And exchange between the cashier and a customer
“You got your hearing aid in?”
“What?”
“You got your hearing aid in?”
“What?”
“Do you have your hearing aid in?”
“What?”
“Do you have your hearing aid in?”
“What?”
“DO YOU HAVE YOUR HEARING AID IN?”
“What?”
“DO YOU HAVE YOUR HEARING AID IN?”
“YES”
It was like a two Ronnie’s sketch
After I had asked the second time if it was me and not the cashier I would had wrongly assumed the answer to be no, and stopped asking. Only threw determination did she find the truth I would have missed. Eather way I presume the rest of the conversation was going to be difficult hearing aid or not
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
theres a new sheeet cannon song up,
its not a lp track, its a gift made for a friend, but everyone might as well revel in its majesty
you almost cant tell it was made in less time than it takes a drunk adolesent to have sex
enjoy (smerk)
http://www.myspace.com/sheeetcannon
its not a lp track, its a gift made for a friend, but everyone might as well revel in its majesty
you almost cant tell it was made in less time than it takes a drunk adolesent to have sex
enjoy (smerk)
http://www.myspace.com/sheeetcannon
Monday, December 17, 2007
The post office saps you life
I fucking hate the post office with a passion you can only dream of. And I hate everyone and there stupid actions that’s makes me go to the post office. Ive not needed to go to the post office for myself in years. If have only had to go to the post office because people have been numb nuts and I have to sort something out.
I order a couple of hundred spec cases, the turned up with spec savers logo on. (The should have gone to spec savers…… see what I did there…… kill me) instead of me being able to send them back via the colour. I had to wait for a first class pre payed sticker to arrive. Then take it to the post office. I thought, on no big drama, the package is big, about the size of a washing machine, bit it only weighs a few kg’s. Lucky for me the sorting office is across the road. I walk in and the guy looks at me and this huge box. He grunts with a true lack of customer service that even though it pre payed, and needs noting doing to it I actually have to take it to the counter in the proper post office. Witch is the other side of town. I carry it around there, 10 min walk and this box is bigger than me, so its hard to carry, almost broken a bit of a sweat. The woman looks at me and says. Ohh that pre payed, you need to take that to the sorting… I interrupter her just so she cant finish and tell me what I already know. The guy there made me bring it here. Did he? YES!!!! I know exactly what she wants to say. (Well he shouldn’t have). Well your eather taking this box or im leaving it here on the floor… she takes it knowing full well that one of them has to now wait till im gone and carry it back to the sorting office.
Today like every week before xmas , I get the contact lens patents call. “oh know woe is me the stealth xmas crept up on me again I had no idea it was going to be the 25th of dec this year I haven’t ordered and lenses, my life is ruined is all your fault Harry you desised when charismas should be and no your going to be closed on that day” wankers. So in a last ditched attempt I try to post their lenses to them, but that means it has to be done today. 1 week before, or their no chance. So I pitch up at the consignia office. That has a queue out the door. By some mirical all 6 tills are operating. And their was a woman with a bum bag, taking the envelopes off the old people that are two thick to buy stamps elsewhere. So bless them the boss has had the right idea. The queue isn’t helping, coz the middle ages daily mail readers that this is the first time they have been in the post office since last year, are spending 10 mins complaining as soon as they get to the till. I get to the front of the queue. Woo. Get to the desk. There is a guy slower that a sloth.
Is like to send this stuff please….
Where?
The address is on the box. Already written it
Ok
(I pop the stuff in the scales)
They all weight the same, coz they’re the same thing
You still need to weigh them
Fine. (im trying to be quick, coz 1 I want to get back to work, and 2 the guy who’s read faced in the queue looks like hes going to kick off)
The guy goes that’s going to be 109……
I know per box
Hang on. That 109 per box
I know
Is that ok
Yes its fine I already knew the cost
Did you?
Yes
How?
Look can I just send this stuff and get out of here
He looks at me like im getting shirty…. Not noticing the crowd behind me baying for blood
He prints out the postage labels at a speed slower than ice age. Then with pantomime mocking, sticks the them on, slowly and carefully rubbing out all the air bubbles. Then carry s on rubbing each one for about 30 seconds longer than nursery. Then instead of taking it he gives me the stuff back and says I have to go queue up and put it in the post box. Admittedly the queue is quite fast for this, but why the fuck cant he take it, one of the staff has to go open the post box anyway. Then I spend another few mins negotiating my receipt from him.
It’s taken over half an hour just to post 2 boxes that where too big to fit into the normal post box. That probably won’t Evan get to the post box in time
But more fun will come on towards the end of the week, when people will order lenses coz they forgot it was xmas, and either the contact lens manufacture is closed or that they want to pick them up from my shop on xmas day. That when the real fun starts
I fucking hate the post office with a passion you can only dream of. And I hate everyone and there stupid actions that’s makes me go to the post office. Ive not needed to go to the post office for myself in years. If have only had to go to the post office because people have been numb nuts and I have to sort something out.
I order a couple of hundred spec cases, the turned up with spec savers logo on. (The should have gone to spec savers…… see what I did there…… kill me) instead of me being able to send them back via the colour. I had to wait for a first class pre payed sticker to arrive. Then take it to the post office. I thought, on no big drama, the package is big, about the size of a washing machine, bit it only weighs a few kg’s. Lucky for me the sorting office is across the road. I walk in and the guy looks at me and this huge box. He grunts with a true lack of customer service that even though it pre payed, and needs noting doing to it I actually have to take it to the counter in the proper post office. Witch is the other side of town. I carry it around there, 10 min walk and this box is bigger than me, so its hard to carry, almost broken a bit of a sweat. The woman looks at me and says. Ohh that pre payed, you need to take that to the sorting… I interrupter her just so she cant finish and tell me what I already know. The guy there made me bring it here. Did he? YES!!!! I know exactly what she wants to say. (Well he shouldn’t have). Well your eather taking this box or im leaving it here on the floor… she takes it knowing full well that one of them has to now wait till im gone and carry it back to the sorting office.
Today like every week before xmas , I get the contact lens patents call. “oh know woe is me the stealth xmas crept up on me again I had no idea it was going to be the 25th of dec this year I haven’t ordered and lenses, my life is ruined is all your fault Harry you desised when charismas should be and no your going to be closed on that day” wankers. So in a last ditched attempt I try to post their lenses to them, but that means it has to be done today. 1 week before, or their no chance. So I pitch up at the consignia office. That has a queue out the door. By some mirical all 6 tills are operating. And their was a woman with a bum bag, taking the envelopes off the old people that are two thick to buy stamps elsewhere. So bless them the boss has had the right idea. The queue isn’t helping, coz the middle ages daily mail readers that this is the first time they have been in the post office since last year, are spending 10 mins complaining as soon as they get to the till. I get to the front of the queue. Woo. Get to the desk. There is a guy slower that a sloth.
Is like to send this stuff please….
Where?
The address is on the box. Already written it
Ok
(I pop the stuff in the scales)
They all weight the same, coz they’re the same thing
You still need to weigh them
Fine. (im trying to be quick, coz 1 I want to get back to work, and 2 the guy who’s read faced in the queue looks like hes going to kick off)
The guy goes that’s going to be 109……
I know per box
Hang on. That 109 per box
I know
Is that ok
Yes its fine I already knew the cost
Did you?
Yes
How?
Look can I just send this stuff and get out of here
He looks at me like im getting shirty…. Not noticing the crowd behind me baying for blood
He prints out the postage labels at a speed slower than ice age. Then with pantomime mocking, sticks the them on, slowly and carefully rubbing out all the air bubbles. Then carry s on rubbing each one for about 30 seconds longer than nursery. Then instead of taking it he gives me the stuff back and says I have to go queue up and put it in the post box. Admittedly the queue is quite fast for this, but why the fuck cant he take it, one of the staff has to go open the post box anyway. Then I spend another few mins negotiating my receipt from him.
It’s taken over half an hour just to post 2 boxes that where too big to fit into the normal post box. That probably won’t Evan get to the post box in time
But more fun will come on towards the end of the week, when people will order lenses coz they forgot it was xmas, and either the contact lens manufacture is closed or that they want to pick them up from my shop on xmas day. That when the real fun starts
Monday, December 03, 2007
My big mouth + being an idiot magnet = calling for Andy like a girl
Well I was feeling ill so I didn’t really want to go out, but a few people where so I thought what the hell, a couple of glasses of pop down the mills wont hurt. Bad thing was the mills was hired out. So Andy decided we should try the angel, because they have a pool table. We get there there’s a band on. In the top bar however there is a poker tournament on, and it looks like its been going on all day. And only one table is still being used, the rest are being turned back into pub tables. The noise wasn’t too loud up there so that’s where we stayed. From where I was sitting a say the end of the poker tournament. I count see any cards but I saw who won. A few mins later some kid. At the oldest he was 18 but I doubt it, collapses next to our table. Hes gone. Eyes rolling into head. Some blokes just pop him in a chair at our table. Hes dribbling and looking like hes not having a good time anymore. Then a big shoelace of dribble stats to emerge from his mouth. Quick as a flash Ben and myself whip out our phones and start taking a souvenir snap. The winner of the poker tournament who is dancing on his own, and fallen over a few times, sees this and comes over and sits next to me.
“Oi you cant take pictures of my mate”
“ohh ok sorry man. He just looks really funny hes gone”
“Yeah ive been here since 10:30”
“I ment him but ok…. If hes your mate, shouldn’t you be taking him home or getting him a cab”
“Who?”
“That bloke you said he was your mate.”
“Na I don’t know him”
“Right you just said I shouldn’t take pictures of your mate”
“Ohh I just came over for some banter”
“I see”
“So coz hes almost passed out do you want to rape him?”
“umm… no thanks, but with all us being here, don’t let that stop you”
He says amazing banter a lot, copies all my actions like mimes when im having a sip of my drink. Has a good crack at insulting me and interrupts so I cant get a word in edge ways. He bimbles off for a few mins then come back. He starts trying to engage in banter again. I quickly interrupt
“So I see you won the poker thing”
“No”
“Really?…. but I saw you holding the trophy”
Said extremely sarcastically “Na I was just holding it for a laugh”
I top this by crossing sarcastic and gullible together. “Really…. Oh my god buy doing that it made me think you had won, and when people asked me who had one I told them it was you…. Oh now ive made such a mistake… you holding that trophy for a laugh has caused so much confusion…. I think you should make a speech saying who the real winner was and what you where doing was only for a joke”
“I did really win”
“Yes I know”
Just then a middle age woman trips over and imaginary invisible tortoise. She comes crashing down with a humongous thud and looks like she landed badly. No one come to her aid for about 2 mins (possibly longer). At this point poker champ changes up a gear and turns into a Russell brand wannabe. He basically tries to gross me out. (something very few people on the planet can do) he starts buy say that I want to but one of my nuts in her and I say something along the lines of I think he should have a go coz if I can only get a nut in im sure he can get more in I know she’s old but he can thumb in his softy. This exchange goes back and forth for a while then he goes. Hes genuinely laughing and he looks bright and friendly and keeps saying top banter at me. Andy however says something along the lines of “fuck Harry I thought I was going to have to get up then” I was genuinely shocked. He guy seemed aggressive but playful. He starts dancing again. Wilts first aid is being admistered to the middle aged woman. The landlady is investigating how she fell. I catch her attention and say I was watching and she didn’t trip on the step the floor wasn’t wet, she just fell over. The woman and her partner seemed to basically be jumping on this pubs going to get sued line. I really hope they don’t. The plus point of this was that the landlady spoke to me and knew that I was not drunk. Well I was be she knew I was sensible witnessed the event and knew what happened.
The some other kid collapsed, ive never seen so many people keel over in one pub in such a short space of time.
Well leanna was looking horrified bless her. But I still thought this was all in good fun and height spirits
We where told to drink up, and leanna grabbed my pint and took a massive swig as a point that she wanted to leave, she hates beer
I went rightly dokey, going to go drain the lizard before we hit the dusty trail.
On the way to the look a middle-aged guy catches my eye,
“Seems you have made a friend there”
“TUT (look to the sky) … yeah hes like a skin head Russell brand”
The guy looks I bit horrified and said I sound have said that……
Just as I finish evacuating wee wee from my body, the loo door gets kicked in on me
In the door way is Russell brand wannabe
“wooh shit you almost did me a mischief”
He just looks at me….. Long pause then puts a hand on me
“Ive seen your Russell brand impression now an I going to see your George Michael one”
His eyes have changed from having that playful sparkle to being cold
“You have insulted me tonight”
“Well… we where having some banter you gave as good as you got”
He puts his back to one side of the doorframe and arm on the other wedging himself in the way. His other had not strangling me but just below my throght pushing me against the wall. The loos have over flowed and the floor is almost over the rubber on my shoes. When I was walking out the loo I was holding my trouser legs in a way as to not drag in the piss. So complete unprepared I put my right arm under his. Wedging him almost at arms length. Basically so he can’t head butt me. At this point ive realised he doesn’t need the loo as I try to walk out a few times. He has the drunken look of some one wanting a fight
“Look pal, we had a bit of fun talking bollox… we had a bit of banter it was a good laugh. You have won the poker tournament; we both have had a bit to drink. It’s been a good day. So if you don’t mind ill be off”
“You insulted me”
“Well im sorry if I upset you, but you said a lot of stuff about me…. I thought we where having a laugh”
“You insulted me”
“Well you came and sat down and started insulting me… I didn’t ask for that”
At this point he tried to head butt me. My grip is good and he misses.
“Do I scare you?”
“no… I thing you have had too much to drink…”
He head buts again grips still good …. Misses
“Do I scare you?”
“No you don’t”
3rd try he misses
“Do I scare you?”
“No you bloody don’t. You have too much to drink; I think you should just let me go. Then you can use the loo” (I was trying to distract him…. Wed been stood there for a while, he drank a lot hoped it would make him need the loo and forget about head butting me. It didn’t work.
At this point I could hear a lot of voices in the corridor out side the loo…. One of them is Andy’s. The guy realises its my mate too.
“Im going to hit you now”
“Look just let me go”
He starts to let go of the doorframe getting ready to punch me. Coz im off balance and sliding around in piss, I have to time my action just right. I could get a punch in first. Only problem is my right hand is stopping him getting close if I take that off im going to get a nutting. And a punch from my left is about as strong as having those little seeds blow of a dandy lion at you… and I already had him at my arms length so I could barely reach him. I could grab his nuts….. Pretty sure that would make the situation worse.
So I pushed against him off the wall I was pushed up against. Surprisingly he moved quite a lot and slipped on the piss. Sadly he extremely quickly knew what was happening and rammed himself back between the doorframe. And I had no choice but to step back out of head butting range. So pinned again.
So more talking ensued. I cant rely remember who it went but im pretty sure it was me repeating stuff like we had a good night now lets not spoil it being silly.
The voices in the corridor where getting louder there was more and more people. I could hear Andy and Ben now…. They where 1 step out side the door. Why the hell didn’t they just make that one step and this guy surely would let me go….
He released his arm from the doorframe and made a fist. I was going to have to act. Only chance was the push. I was getting ready to take a punch and then push him off balance. Then make a move for the door hopeing I don’t slip on the piss. Or that his punch actually dose any damage.
“Call for your mate”
“What?”
“Call for your mate”
“Sorry I don’t understand” (what is this that bit at the end of terminator 2…. )I thought this but thought better of saying it)
“I was him to see me hit you and I want to beat 2 of you up”
“Right?”
“CALL HIM I want to beat two of you up”
“ANDY!!!!!” it came out 3 octaves higher than I wanted. I was trying to project my voice into the hall so he would hear and that I wouldn’t have to call him more than once. I knew that they would all come in. it’s a real shame it came out as a girly call for help.
“You pussy!!”
“What?”
“You called for your mate”
“You told me too, you said you wanted to beat both of us up”
He started to look confused and called me a pussy for calling for my mate
Andy came in, followed by the middle-aged guy, then Ben.
The guy looked around at them and weekend his grip. I pushed forward and made ground, I pushed passed him. As Andy walked towards us. I was passed him. I quickly walked out. Best thing to do was leave, so he couldn’t follow and that this couldn’t spill out onto the street. I was met by the landlady and landlord asking if I was aright, the a bouncer asking if I was ok. Then all my friends.
We snuck off into the cold night with another story of how I narrowly avoided getting a punch and covered in other peoples piss.
Well that pub is the pub we go to after badminton….. Lets see if they have anything to say to me.
Im sure I haven’t remembered it all. If any one has please stick it in the comments
Well I was feeling ill so I didn’t really want to go out, but a few people where so I thought what the hell, a couple of glasses of pop down the mills wont hurt. Bad thing was the mills was hired out. So Andy decided we should try the angel, because they have a pool table. We get there there’s a band on. In the top bar however there is a poker tournament on, and it looks like its been going on all day. And only one table is still being used, the rest are being turned back into pub tables. The noise wasn’t too loud up there so that’s where we stayed. From where I was sitting a say the end of the poker tournament. I count see any cards but I saw who won. A few mins later some kid. At the oldest he was 18 but I doubt it, collapses next to our table. Hes gone. Eyes rolling into head. Some blokes just pop him in a chair at our table. Hes dribbling and looking like hes not having a good time anymore. Then a big shoelace of dribble stats to emerge from his mouth. Quick as a flash Ben and myself whip out our phones and start taking a souvenir snap. The winner of the poker tournament who is dancing on his own, and fallen over a few times, sees this and comes over and sits next to me.
“Oi you cant take pictures of my mate”
“ohh ok sorry man. He just looks really funny hes gone”
“Yeah ive been here since 10:30”
“I ment him but ok…. If hes your mate, shouldn’t you be taking him home or getting him a cab”
“Who?”
“That bloke you said he was your mate.”
“Na I don’t know him”
“Right you just said I shouldn’t take pictures of your mate”
“Ohh I just came over for some banter”
“I see”
“So coz hes almost passed out do you want to rape him?”
“umm… no thanks, but with all us being here, don’t let that stop you”
He says amazing banter a lot, copies all my actions like mimes when im having a sip of my drink. Has a good crack at insulting me and interrupts so I cant get a word in edge ways. He bimbles off for a few mins then come back. He starts trying to engage in banter again. I quickly interrupt
“So I see you won the poker thing”
“No”
“Really?…. but I saw you holding the trophy”
Said extremely sarcastically “Na I was just holding it for a laugh”
I top this by crossing sarcastic and gullible together. “Really…. Oh my god buy doing that it made me think you had won, and when people asked me who had one I told them it was you…. Oh now ive made such a mistake… you holding that trophy for a laugh has caused so much confusion…. I think you should make a speech saying who the real winner was and what you where doing was only for a joke”
“I did really win”
“Yes I know”
Just then a middle age woman trips over and imaginary invisible tortoise. She comes crashing down with a humongous thud and looks like she landed badly. No one come to her aid for about 2 mins (possibly longer). At this point poker champ changes up a gear and turns into a Russell brand wannabe. He basically tries to gross me out. (something very few people on the planet can do) he starts buy say that I want to but one of my nuts in her and I say something along the lines of I think he should have a go coz if I can only get a nut in im sure he can get more in I know she’s old but he can thumb in his softy. This exchange goes back and forth for a while then he goes. Hes genuinely laughing and he looks bright and friendly and keeps saying top banter at me. Andy however says something along the lines of “fuck Harry I thought I was going to have to get up then” I was genuinely shocked. He guy seemed aggressive but playful. He starts dancing again. Wilts first aid is being admistered to the middle aged woman. The landlady is investigating how she fell. I catch her attention and say I was watching and she didn’t trip on the step the floor wasn’t wet, she just fell over. The woman and her partner seemed to basically be jumping on this pubs going to get sued line. I really hope they don’t. The plus point of this was that the landlady spoke to me and knew that I was not drunk. Well I was be she knew I was sensible witnessed the event and knew what happened.
The some other kid collapsed, ive never seen so many people keel over in one pub in such a short space of time.
Well leanna was looking horrified bless her. But I still thought this was all in good fun and height spirits
We where told to drink up, and leanna grabbed my pint and took a massive swig as a point that she wanted to leave, she hates beer
I went rightly dokey, going to go drain the lizard before we hit the dusty trail.
On the way to the look a middle-aged guy catches my eye,
“Seems you have made a friend there”
“TUT (look to the sky) … yeah hes like a skin head Russell brand”
The guy looks I bit horrified and said I sound have said that……
Just as I finish evacuating wee wee from my body, the loo door gets kicked in on me
In the door way is Russell brand wannabe
“wooh shit you almost did me a mischief”
He just looks at me….. Long pause then puts a hand on me
“Ive seen your Russell brand impression now an I going to see your George Michael one”
His eyes have changed from having that playful sparkle to being cold
“You have insulted me tonight”
“Well… we where having some banter you gave as good as you got”
He puts his back to one side of the doorframe and arm on the other wedging himself in the way. His other had not strangling me but just below my throght pushing me against the wall. The loos have over flowed and the floor is almost over the rubber on my shoes. When I was walking out the loo I was holding my trouser legs in a way as to not drag in the piss. So complete unprepared I put my right arm under his. Wedging him almost at arms length. Basically so he can’t head butt me. At this point ive realised he doesn’t need the loo as I try to walk out a few times. He has the drunken look of some one wanting a fight
“Look pal, we had a bit of fun talking bollox… we had a bit of banter it was a good laugh. You have won the poker tournament; we both have had a bit to drink. It’s been a good day. So if you don’t mind ill be off”
“You insulted me”
“Well im sorry if I upset you, but you said a lot of stuff about me…. I thought we where having a laugh”
“You insulted me”
“Well you came and sat down and started insulting me… I didn’t ask for that”
At this point he tried to head butt me. My grip is good and he misses.
“Do I scare you?”
“no… I thing you have had too much to drink…”
He head buts again grips still good …. Misses
“Do I scare you?”
“No you don’t”
3rd try he misses
“Do I scare you?”
“No you bloody don’t. You have too much to drink; I think you should just let me go. Then you can use the loo” (I was trying to distract him…. Wed been stood there for a while, he drank a lot hoped it would make him need the loo and forget about head butting me. It didn’t work.
At this point I could hear a lot of voices in the corridor out side the loo…. One of them is Andy’s. The guy realises its my mate too.
“Im going to hit you now”
“Look just let me go”
He starts to let go of the doorframe getting ready to punch me. Coz im off balance and sliding around in piss, I have to time my action just right. I could get a punch in first. Only problem is my right hand is stopping him getting close if I take that off im going to get a nutting. And a punch from my left is about as strong as having those little seeds blow of a dandy lion at you… and I already had him at my arms length so I could barely reach him. I could grab his nuts….. Pretty sure that would make the situation worse.
So I pushed against him off the wall I was pushed up against. Surprisingly he moved quite a lot and slipped on the piss. Sadly he extremely quickly knew what was happening and rammed himself back between the doorframe. And I had no choice but to step back out of head butting range. So pinned again.
So more talking ensued. I cant rely remember who it went but im pretty sure it was me repeating stuff like we had a good night now lets not spoil it being silly.
The voices in the corridor where getting louder there was more and more people. I could hear Andy and Ben now…. They where 1 step out side the door. Why the hell didn’t they just make that one step and this guy surely would let me go….
He released his arm from the doorframe and made a fist. I was going to have to act. Only chance was the push. I was getting ready to take a punch and then push him off balance. Then make a move for the door hopeing I don’t slip on the piss. Or that his punch actually dose any damage.
“Call for your mate”
“What?”
“Call for your mate”
“Sorry I don’t understand” (what is this that bit at the end of terminator 2…. )I thought this but thought better of saying it)
“I was him to see me hit you and I want to beat 2 of you up”
“Right?”
“CALL HIM I want to beat two of you up”
“ANDY!!!!!” it came out 3 octaves higher than I wanted. I was trying to project my voice into the hall so he would hear and that I wouldn’t have to call him more than once. I knew that they would all come in. it’s a real shame it came out as a girly call for help.
“You pussy!!”
“What?”
“You called for your mate”
“You told me too, you said you wanted to beat both of us up”
He started to look confused and called me a pussy for calling for my mate
Andy came in, followed by the middle-aged guy, then Ben.
The guy looked around at them and weekend his grip. I pushed forward and made ground, I pushed passed him. As Andy walked towards us. I was passed him. I quickly walked out. Best thing to do was leave, so he couldn’t follow and that this couldn’t spill out onto the street. I was met by the landlady and landlord asking if I was aright, the a bouncer asking if I was ok. Then all my friends.
We snuck off into the cold night with another story of how I narrowly avoided getting a punch and covered in other peoples piss.
Well that pub is the pub we go to after badminton….. Lets see if they have anything to say to me.
Im sure I haven’t remembered it all. If any one has please stick it in the comments
Friday, November 30, 2007
A day of miracles of medical science
I passed some women in the street and over herd them talking about how one of them was going into hospital tomorrow to have there cartridge done, you cartridge done in there over weight arthritic knee. Not Cartilage, but their cartridge. And then the replying woman said “my frank had to have is cartage done too… he was of work for 4 weeks.” Peasants
Then a bloke came in my shop and asked me if I could examine his teeth. His fucking teeth. I explained (very slowly) that an optician deals with eyes. He looked at me a bit put out and said well this is a medical sort of place and it must be a similar sort of thing….
And the best of all. A bloke said his aunty (he defiantly said aunty I checked) was dieing of prostate cancer
Now I’m pretty sure that the prostate is a male only bit of anatomy. (Happy for anyone to prove me wrong) I know that there are plenty of unused “cross over” bits of anatomy. Eg I know that a couple of years ago. More men actually died of breast cancer than women. But when I said did he mean pancreatic cancer. (coz they sound a bit simaler…. Well they both start with a P) nope he got mildly angry and insisted it was prostate cancer and his aunty.
Suppose she could be a hermaphrodite. But as far as I know there pretty dead in the reproduction bits, so I’m not sure they would have a gland that deals with the production of population paste.
But like I said I'm not an expert
I passed some women in the street and over herd them talking about how one of them was going into hospital tomorrow to have there cartridge done, you cartridge done in there over weight arthritic knee. Not Cartilage, but their cartridge. And then the replying woman said “my frank had to have is cartage done too… he was of work for 4 weeks.” Peasants
Then a bloke came in my shop and asked me if I could examine his teeth. His fucking teeth. I explained (very slowly) that an optician deals with eyes. He looked at me a bit put out and said well this is a medical sort of place and it must be a similar sort of thing….
And the best of all. A bloke said his aunty (he defiantly said aunty I checked) was dieing of prostate cancer
Now I’m pretty sure that the prostate is a male only bit of anatomy. (Happy for anyone to prove me wrong) I know that there are plenty of unused “cross over” bits of anatomy. Eg I know that a couple of years ago. More men actually died of breast cancer than women. But when I said did he mean pancreatic cancer. (coz they sound a bit simaler…. Well they both start with a P) nope he got mildly angry and insisted it was prostate cancer and his aunty.
Suppose she could be a hermaphrodite. But as far as I know there pretty dead in the reproduction bits, so I’m not sure they would have a gland that deals with the production of population paste.
But like I said I'm not an expert
Saturday, November 24, 2007
The seen, me tapping away on the compy.
Enter old man
“hello. Can I help you?”
“its alright lad…. I can see”
“ok….?”
“ive just been using the cash mashine next door”
“ok…..?”
“its giving me trouble”
“right?”
“it gave me 10 pounds”
“right……”
“I wanted 2 fivers”
“ok…. You do realsis that this is an opticians and the cash mashine next door is on the wall of the actulal bank that it belongs to?”
“yes”
(I look at him blankly)
“cant you just give me 2 fivers”
“no…. try the bank”
“fine… sorry to put you out” (said quite sarcasticly)
“thank you bye bye…….(door closes) ”
Enter old man
“hello. Can I help you?”
“its alright lad…. I can see”
“ok….?”
“ive just been using the cash mashine next door”
“ok…..?”
“its giving me trouble”
“right?”
“it gave me 10 pounds”
“right……”
“I wanted 2 fivers”
“ok…. You do realsis that this is an opticians and the cash mashine next door is on the wall of the actulal bank that it belongs to?”
“yes”
(I look at him blankly)
“cant you just give me 2 fivers”
“no…. try the bank”
“fine… sorry to put you out” (said quite sarcasticly)
“thank you bye bye…….(door closes) ”
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Gambling the slippery slope
Now I’m not sure if I’m working class or middle class, I’m probably a fine line between upper working and lower middle. Everyone that when we get into this banned pub conversion has a different opion of me. Banned pub topics also include, science, politics, philosophy, time travel, the speed of light, soseo economic groupings, immigration, the media, nimmo club, and anything wongo says.
So basically I’m not very good at pretending to be working class and I’m just passable at work pretending to be a little bit middle class when the ocation calls for it. I’m generally paseved to be a drip by builder’s mechanics plumbers and roofers. This is probably why I can never get my car fixed.
“Excuse me”
“What?”
“Hullo, I was wondering if I could book my car in, there seems to be a problem with the fuel management chip”
“Yeah?”
“Well the engine seems to be revving uncontrollably”
“You sure?”
“Well yes”
“Ok well take a look”
I come back 9 hours later after sitting on my ass all day coz I have no car.
“Hullo again, some one was supposed to phone me to say….”
“What?”
“Umm… is my car fixed?”
“na …. Didn’t get around to it.”
“ohh….so….umm”
“well il have a look tomorrow.”
“but I need it to morrow to get to work. That’s why I came in today”
“well… you best book it in for next week then”
“ok”
day wasted
Cutting a long story short when they finally did look at it the said it was broken, but couldn’t be bothered to fix it as the job was a bit of a hassle, the car was still moving, so what’s the pint. Well I thought the point would be to not help exhaust the worlds supply of petrol unnecessarily.
My main problem with middle class people is I can’t tell when they’re winding me up. Or if I can I just find it so unamuseing I carry on as normal as if to go “ha ha I can see right threw your stupid game I know the haven’t taken gullible out of the dictionary I only said oh on have they why? I used that word a lot what am I going to do now” but it always backfires and I wind up looking thick.
My mate Chris has written a similar blog about this and his own experiences I cant be bothered to link you to the exact article, but its linked in the margin to his blog.
I can handle going into a spit and saw dust pub in my suit. You get a few stairs, but as soon as you say “pint of fosters please, mate” that’s you fine. Mate the word of the working class, the pass word the let them know your in their club. And you have to use manners in the wrong order, like they are tacked on like you normal forget or wouldn’t use them.
“Please may I have a pint of fosters” becomes “pint of fosters. Please. Mate.”
Simple switch round and your covered.
Getting on to the point. Bookies, bookmakers, betting shops. Inhabited my tramps lo lifes and dogs on bits of string. These places are as un known to me as the dark side of the sun. I have been in them maybe once or twice. First time was with a guy from collage who wanted to put a bet on. We went in and I looked at the banks of TV screens with pretty much hieroglyphics on. The stench of smoke and old man piss hit me like a train. And you can tell by looking at some people that’s what they do, they go in 10 to 5, and blow their money. Shit when I retire I plan on doing that but just in a pub instead. At least ill get something out of it. (Probably serosis of the liver)
As I walked passed the bookies I saw the odds on Croatia winning was 7 – 1. Now that’s not a bad return. And that if I put a bet on them winning 2-0 that was 40 to 1. So if I placed two bets fiver on each. And Croatia do win 2-0 I get almost 250 sterling’s, if Croatia just win that 40sterlings, so tenner terns into 40 quid or if I’m really lucky £245. I thought that’s not a bad idea. Mum has brought me up not to gamble. And I have seen mates do it and loose a lot of money. I don’t Evan play fruit machines. I do play quiz machines but that’s coz I like the quiz part not the tiny chance I could win some money. The ways England have been playing. An id don’t know much about football, but I know that Gerard and lampard cant play together (I herd it in the pub so it must be true), and that putting in a 22 year old goal keeper with hardly any experience was probably a bad idea. I was thinking more and more that my bet was a good idea. But to go in the bookies was another. 2 years ago. I saw that lordi where 17 to 1 to win Eurovision. And I let that slip me by coz I wouldn’t go in and brave the dirty people. I had a look at betting web sites, but I had to sign up and then pay with a credit card and then take my money back off them and they charged to actually get you winnings and stuff. Waste of time and bad idea. Worst thing was tho. I have no idea who to fill in a betting slip. I sqoured the inter net for help. Al I could find was I had to go and Wright it don on a betting slip, ask about the odds, pay, then hopefully win. I was panicking coz I cant Evan spell Croatia. Just as I had plucked up the courage two blokes came out of the bookies and into my shop. They had more flys on them than the average Ethiopian in a comic relief video. 20 min later, id finished working on my deep breathing exercises to get ready for the possible 5 mins I would have to hold my breath. Hold you breath avoid eye contact, you don’t want anyone talking to you. GO GO GO. I’m in. screens, paper, tramps everyware. Shit! Fuck what slips are for what? People are looking at me! I’m in the way of the TV, where some strange looking animals are racing. Cock it! Spots me a sign for football. Yes! Over there! There are loads of different types of slip. All different matches all different forms. I find the right one I tick the boxes. I take it to the woman at the counter that looks lonely without a B&H hanging from the side of her mouth. I hand it over. “Please could you check it, I’m new at this” she looks at me funny and reads out my bet loud. Croatia to win, and Croatia to win 2 – 0” “um yeah that right” I here the audible ruffle from everyone in the place turning to stare at me. “He’s betting against England” I gulp. “He’s unpatriotic”. It was almost like panto. I was pretty much booed and hissed as I pass over my money. I darted for the door and back to the safety of my shop.
Now I have to go back and get my winnings, I'm expecting a lynch mob of old men is macs that smell like yak piss to waiting to string me up and set there little dogs on bits of string leads on me.
I accidentally turned tom into a gambler too. His betting system was crazy. I hope he wrights a guest bit. Ill try to convince him
*************************************************************************************
guest blog from tom
Well Harry asked me to write a bit on his blog of our gambling exploits over the Croatia V England football fixture in which we lost. Harry chose a likely result of Croatia to win which was like 7/1 so £5 got £40 return. He also put £5 on Croatia 2-0 which was at 40/1. Which would have got him £205 for his original £5. This made me laugh so I put on a very obscure bet. Neither me nor Harry had put a bet on before so was pretty hilarious just talking about it. Harry went for what he thought as a dead cert and just a chance of 2-0 as the payoff was good. So I thought, you know what, Fuck it. So I went for Croatia to win 1-0 and chose the guy who hadn’t scored in like 5 years to get the goal. This was at 120/1. So my £5 would have got me £605 return, which as a student, would suit me very well. But due to my conscience, I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to win. So I put on 2 more bets to cover any possible loss. And these bets are what prompted Harry to ask me to write a blog. I put on £3.08 on a draw which was at 9/4, so this got me £10.01 back. I also put on £1.92 on Croatia to win. This was 7/1 so I would have made back £15.36. Since I spent £10 on the 3 bets, as long as England didn’t win, I would make back between 1p and £610.36. After only 9 minutes or so my £605 win was off the cards as somebody else scored the first goal. And 10 minutes into the second half Harry’s £205 stake was lost. So we are both playing over Xbox live, with his sister giving us goal updates as we hope that England lose. Very patriotic I know. The final score 3-2 to Croatia, Harry wins £40 with a £35 profit, I win £15.36 with a £5.36 profit. The jobs a good’un. And the moral of this story. Bet for the most random thing you can, but make sure you cover yourself with other bets to make sure you don’t lose any money.
*************************************************************************************
Now I’m not sure if I’m working class or middle class, I’m probably a fine line between upper working and lower middle. Everyone that when we get into this banned pub conversion has a different opion of me. Banned pub topics also include, science, politics, philosophy, time travel, the speed of light, soseo economic groupings, immigration, the media, nimmo club, and anything wongo says.
So basically I’m not very good at pretending to be working class and I’m just passable at work pretending to be a little bit middle class when the ocation calls for it. I’m generally paseved to be a drip by builder’s mechanics plumbers and roofers. This is probably why I can never get my car fixed.
“Excuse me”
“What?”
“Hullo, I was wondering if I could book my car in, there seems to be a problem with the fuel management chip”
“Yeah?”
“Well the engine seems to be revving uncontrollably”
“You sure?”
“Well yes”
“Ok well take a look”
I come back 9 hours later after sitting on my ass all day coz I have no car.
“Hullo again, some one was supposed to phone me to say….”
“What?”
“Umm… is my car fixed?”
“na …. Didn’t get around to it.”
“ohh….so….umm”
“well il have a look tomorrow.”
“but I need it to morrow to get to work. That’s why I came in today”
“well… you best book it in for next week then”
“ok”
day wasted
Cutting a long story short when they finally did look at it the said it was broken, but couldn’t be bothered to fix it as the job was a bit of a hassle, the car was still moving, so what’s the pint. Well I thought the point would be to not help exhaust the worlds supply of petrol unnecessarily.
My main problem with middle class people is I can’t tell when they’re winding me up. Or if I can I just find it so unamuseing I carry on as normal as if to go “ha ha I can see right threw your stupid game I know the haven’t taken gullible out of the dictionary I only said oh on have they why? I used that word a lot what am I going to do now” but it always backfires and I wind up looking thick.
My mate Chris has written a similar blog about this and his own experiences I cant be bothered to link you to the exact article, but its linked in the margin to his blog.
I can handle going into a spit and saw dust pub in my suit. You get a few stairs, but as soon as you say “pint of fosters please, mate” that’s you fine. Mate the word of the working class, the pass word the let them know your in their club. And you have to use manners in the wrong order, like they are tacked on like you normal forget or wouldn’t use them.
“Please may I have a pint of fosters” becomes “pint of fosters. Please. Mate.”
Simple switch round and your covered.
Getting on to the point. Bookies, bookmakers, betting shops. Inhabited my tramps lo lifes and dogs on bits of string. These places are as un known to me as the dark side of the sun. I have been in them maybe once or twice. First time was with a guy from collage who wanted to put a bet on. We went in and I looked at the banks of TV screens with pretty much hieroglyphics on. The stench of smoke and old man piss hit me like a train. And you can tell by looking at some people that’s what they do, they go in 10 to 5, and blow their money. Shit when I retire I plan on doing that but just in a pub instead. At least ill get something out of it. (Probably serosis of the liver)
As I walked passed the bookies I saw the odds on Croatia winning was 7 – 1. Now that’s not a bad return. And that if I put a bet on them winning 2-0 that was 40 to 1. So if I placed two bets fiver on each. And Croatia do win 2-0 I get almost 250 sterling’s, if Croatia just win that 40sterlings, so tenner terns into 40 quid or if I’m really lucky £245. I thought that’s not a bad idea. Mum has brought me up not to gamble. And I have seen mates do it and loose a lot of money. I don’t Evan play fruit machines. I do play quiz machines but that’s coz I like the quiz part not the tiny chance I could win some money. The ways England have been playing. An id don’t know much about football, but I know that Gerard and lampard cant play together (I herd it in the pub so it must be true), and that putting in a 22 year old goal keeper with hardly any experience was probably a bad idea. I was thinking more and more that my bet was a good idea. But to go in the bookies was another. 2 years ago. I saw that lordi where 17 to 1 to win Eurovision. And I let that slip me by coz I wouldn’t go in and brave the dirty people. I had a look at betting web sites, but I had to sign up and then pay with a credit card and then take my money back off them and they charged to actually get you winnings and stuff. Waste of time and bad idea. Worst thing was tho. I have no idea who to fill in a betting slip. I sqoured the inter net for help. Al I could find was I had to go and Wright it don on a betting slip, ask about the odds, pay, then hopefully win. I was panicking coz I cant Evan spell Croatia. Just as I had plucked up the courage two blokes came out of the bookies and into my shop. They had more flys on them than the average Ethiopian in a comic relief video. 20 min later, id finished working on my deep breathing exercises to get ready for the possible 5 mins I would have to hold my breath. Hold you breath avoid eye contact, you don’t want anyone talking to you. GO GO GO. I’m in. screens, paper, tramps everyware. Shit! Fuck what slips are for what? People are looking at me! I’m in the way of the TV, where some strange looking animals are racing. Cock it! Spots me a sign for football. Yes! Over there! There are loads of different types of slip. All different matches all different forms. I find the right one I tick the boxes. I take it to the woman at the counter that looks lonely without a B&H hanging from the side of her mouth. I hand it over. “Please could you check it, I’m new at this” she looks at me funny and reads out my bet loud. Croatia to win, and Croatia to win 2 – 0” “um yeah that right” I here the audible ruffle from everyone in the place turning to stare at me. “He’s betting against England” I gulp. “He’s unpatriotic”. It was almost like panto. I was pretty much booed and hissed as I pass over my money. I darted for the door and back to the safety of my shop.
Now I have to go back and get my winnings, I'm expecting a lynch mob of old men is macs that smell like yak piss to waiting to string me up and set there little dogs on bits of string leads on me.
I accidentally turned tom into a gambler too. His betting system was crazy. I hope he wrights a guest bit. Ill try to convince him
*************************************************************************************
guest blog from tom
Well Harry asked me to write a bit on his blog of our gambling exploits over the Croatia V England football fixture in which we lost. Harry chose a likely result of Croatia to win which was like 7/1 so £5 got £40 return. He also put £5 on Croatia 2-0 which was at 40/1. Which would have got him £205 for his original £5. This made me laugh so I put on a very obscure bet. Neither me nor Harry had put a bet on before so was pretty hilarious just talking about it. Harry went for what he thought as a dead cert and just a chance of 2-0 as the payoff was good. So I thought, you know what, Fuck it. So I went for Croatia to win 1-0 and chose the guy who hadn’t scored in like 5 years to get the goal. This was at 120/1. So my £5 would have got me £605 return, which as a student, would suit me very well. But due to my conscience, I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to win. So I put on 2 more bets to cover any possible loss. And these bets are what prompted Harry to ask me to write a blog. I put on £3.08 on a draw which was at 9/4, so this got me £10.01 back. I also put on £1.92 on Croatia to win. This was 7/1 so I would have made back £15.36. Since I spent £10 on the 3 bets, as long as England didn’t win, I would make back between 1p and £610.36. After only 9 minutes or so my £605 win was off the cards as somebody else scored the first goal. And 10 minutes into the second half Harry’s £205 stake was lost. So we are both playing over Xbox live, with his sister giving us goal updates as we hope that England lose. Very patriotic I know. The final score 3-2 to Croatia, Harry wins £40 with a £35 profit, I win £15.36 with a £5.36 profit. The jobs a good’un. And the moral of this story. Bet for the most random thing you can, but make sure you cover yourself with other bets to make sure you don’t lose any money.
*************************************************************************************
Monday, November 19, 2007
Hell on earth
Theirs something about Andover and Friday nights…. Its just goes crazy. I’m the only person who has to go to work on Saturday so I can’t go wild. But it always does. So I try to avoid going out. Then when I'm up for full on liver destruction and it Saturday night all my mates have destroyed their livers and there bank balance the night before.
This week was lees birthday. That reminds me its today. Better fire off a txt
Friday was Andover and Saturday was Southampton. With a little tequila I did myself a mischief on Friday and I knew that Saturday was going to be tamer as everyone went for it on Friday. But we ended up in reflex
The horror
If there is anything thing I have been too sober for in my life it was that place. It’s an 80’s club. The problem with the 80’s is apart from most of you lot reading this being born then we don’t rely remember a fat lot. Yeah we have childhood play memories. But know what was going on and what was in the charts. It’s not until the 90’s and cracking into are adolescents that we really stated paying attention. And most of the music they where playing in there was really from the early 90’s when lets face it pop music became shit. There was the split where people started either cracking out shell suits and glow sticks. Or putting on dirty jeans, black tee shirts and padded lumber jack shirts. You watched top of the pops to see if there was any chance that the music you like could accidentally creep on and get away with it for 3 and a half mins.
So I was in a place playing music from a different decade to what was advertised, surrounded by a crush of people that think they remember the 80’s but where most likely born in 1988, and then on the out skirts where people actually old enough to remember the 80’s and probly the 70’s nursing an over prised bottle of beer staring at the puffy white flesh of the teenagers on the stage trying to pole dance to Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now) (with came out in 1991) (or possibly 1990 depending on if you where in the usa or not eather why it misses the 80 by about a year) most of the sweaty puffy flesh kids probubly wondering why there isnt the “rock this party” being shouted over the track, (what kind of crazy remix is that). The place evan had staff walking arounf with optics fild with corkeys witch is the current trendy “shot”. Probubly more fucking suger in it that alcahol. All the crazy kids seem to like the cream egg flavor one. Dear god have it come to this they have to make alcahol sweets falovor, im shure soon ther will be some sweets/alcahol/corporate cross over. “ladyes and gentalmen I give you the vodka smarties mcflurry.
So inshort if you want to enjoy reflex. Buy 20 cream eggs, 1 hyperdermic saringe, and a bottle of vodka. Inject vodka into the cream eggs, then eat them. Now do you feel that sickness, that dabetic coma coming on? Now drink the rest of the vodaka. Go to reflex. Hold the contence of your stomach, and be drunk enouth to not care of your saroundings.
Welcome to hell. Welcome to reflex
Theirs something about Andover and Friday nights…. Its just goes crazy. I’m the only person who has to go to work on Saturday so I can’t go wild. But it always does. So I try to avoid going out. Then when I'm up for full on liver destruction and it Saturday night all my mates have destroyed their livers and there bank balance the night before.
This week was lees birthday. That reminds me its today. Better fire off a txt
Friday was Andover and Saturday was Southampton. With a little tequila I did myself a mischief on Friday and I knew that Saturday was going to be tamer as everyone went for it on Friday. But we ended up in reflex
The horror
If there is anything thing I have been too sober for in my life it was that place. It’s an 80’s club. The problem with the 80’s is apart from most of you lot reading this being born then we don’t rely remember a fat lot. Yeah we have childhood play memories. But know what was going on and what was in the charts. It’s not until the 90’s and cracking into are adolescents that we really stated paying attention. And most of the music they where playing in there was really from the early 90’s when lets face it pop music became shit. There was the split where people started either cracking out shell suits and glow sticks. Or putting on dirty jeans, black tee shirts and padded lumber jack shirts. You watched top of the pops to see if there was any chance that the music you like could accidentally creep on and get away with it for 3 and a half mins.
So I was in a place playing music from a different decade to what was advertised, surrounded by a crush of people that think they remember the 80’s but where most likely born in 1988, and then on the out skirts where people actually old enough to remember the 80’s and probly the 70’s nursing an over prised bottle of beer staring at the puffy white flesh of the teenagers on the stage trying to pole dance to Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now) (with came out in 1991) (or possibly 1990 depending on if you where in the usa or not eather why it misses the 80 by about a year) most of the sweaty puffy flesh kids probubly wondering why there isnt the “rock this party” being shouted over the track, (what kind of crazy remix is that). The place evan had staff walking arounf with optics fild with corkeys witch is the current trendy “shot”. Probubly more fucking suger in it that alcahol. All the crazy kids seem to like the cream egg flavor one. Dear god have it come to this they have to make alcahol sweets falovor, im shure soon ther will be some sweets/alcahol/corporate cross over. “ladyes and gentalmen I give you the vodka smarties mcflurry.
So inshort if you want to enjoy reflex. Buy 20 cream eggs, 1 hyperdermic saringe, and a bottle of vodka. Inject vodka into the cream eggs, then eat them. Now do you feel that sickness, that dabetic coma coming on? Now drink the rest of the vodaka. Go to reflex. Hold the contence of your stomach, and be drunk enouth to not care of your saroundings.
Welcome to hell. Welcome to reflex
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Just not cut out for life
Im sure that in natural selection im the little fat one at the back with the gammy leg. If it weren’t for modern meds and torturing animals I wouldn’t be here. Probably my diet of beer bacon and Chinese take aways, doesn’t help. But the bacons grilled, the Chinese is with out MSG and cooked by a ti chi master, and the beer is crisp and cold. Mummmm beer.
But anyhoo I decided best do a bit of running about as my man boobies or moobes as I like to call them are getting bigger than an a cup, and stares are becoming in inconvenience. (Not relly). Golf relly wasn’t much exercise for a 26 year old. So badders it was. 6 months later and a few achy legs I was running around more and more so I upped it to twice a week. Now 3 month later a have popped in a few games of squash.
So the last week has gone. Fri, squash, Sunday squash, Monday badders, Tuesday squash, Wednesday badders, Thursday squash. Its Thursday and im supposed to be playing squash tonight. The only thing is ive destroyed my elbow. I could barely pick up the shopping. Witch consisted of a 2ltr bottle of water pint of milk and a newspaper. My health is a constant battle. Mouth ulcers, whitlows, head aches. Its almost is if I have radiation poisoning.
Can’t wait till they clone me a new body ill have my body back when I was 19. That way I can wreck it again. Wonder if they can give me a bigger pee pee.
Im sure that in natural selection im the little fat one at the back with the gammy leg. If it weren’t for modern meds and torturing animals I wouldn’t be here. Probably my diet of beer bacon and Chinese take aways, doesn’t help. But the bacons grilled, the Chinese is with out MSG and cooked by a ti chi master, and the beer is crisp and cold. Mummmm beer.
But anyhoo I decided best do a bit of running about as my man boobies or moobes as I like to call them are getting bigger than an a cup, and stares are becoming in inconvenience. (Not relly). Golf relly wasn’t much exercise for a 26 year old. So badders it was. 6 months later and a few achy legs I was running around more and more so I upped it to twice a week. Now 3 month later a have popped in a few games of squash.
So the last week has gone. Fri, squash, Sunday squash, Monday badders, Tuesday squash, Wednesday badders, Thursday squash. Its Thursday and im supposed to be playing squash tonight. The only thing is ive destroyed my elbow. I could barely pick up the shopping. Witch consisted of a 2ltr bottle of water pint of milk and a newspaper. My health is a constant battle. Mouth ulcers, whitlows, head aches. Its almost is if I have radiation poisoning.
Can’t wait till they clone me a new body ill have my body back when I was 19. That way I can wreck it again. Wonder if they can give me a bigger pee pee.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Monday, November 05, 2007
Family fun
My step dad has some off ways. He moans at me all the time about me owning things. He refers to my property as “bildge”. “Oh you have got a new TV I hope its not coming in this house… filling my house up with all your bildge”. Basically everything that’s can fit under my bed is in my car. Please don’t steal it. But like my kites, golf clubs, shoes and clothes. Yeah it’s really stupid. As well. We are not allowed to use the second bathroom. He used the main bathroom for serten things and wont do those in his on sweet. But whilst hes in there we are not allowed to use the other room. So bluntly he on purposely makes me late for work by taking a shit and wont let me clean my teeth in his bathroom. Also the shower on the main bathroom is broken. And the on sweet shower is fine. So hes ok. And wont fix the broken one. But we are not allowed to use his one. We have to have a small bath. With the other day monitored how much water I was using. And my bath apparently must be no deeper than a puddle. Witch means my bum and feet are nice and clean.
Any that’s turning into a moan, but hopefully that gives you an idea what hes like.
My lovely mother turned into a mother hen and went. Ohh its winter my babies need more quilts. And without telling me changed my quilt. She changed my normal fine quilt to one that some polar explorer would thing as a bit over kill. My room is fucking hot anyway. Two reasons one the hot water pipes run underneath it, and two. My ps3 xbox 360 and monitor produce more heat per minuet than a hydrogen bomb. So my room is plenty warm. Infect mum always walks in my room and complains how hot it is and insists I open a window. Witch comically turns out to be already wide open. This happens at least twice a week. But no I need a new 600 tog duvet coz its winter.
I kept waking up in the night thinking I had influenza. I was quite literally (not to gross you out but) pouring with sweat. I thought I was having a crazy fever. I was panicking that I was going to super ill and I HAD to go to work. So I kept just trying to sleep to hope I got better by morning. When I woke up I was laying in more water than im allowed in a bath. Mum walks in “morning. Pheeew its hot in here…. Hows you new duvet?”
Now my step dad is in that bathroom, the other siblings are in the queue and I stink like I have died and lat a yak piss on me. And then had to beg to be able to use the shower. Because im unreasonable wanting a shower and why couldn’t I just have a bath with everyone else in the bathroom.
Twat
My step dad has some off ways. He moans at me all the time about me owning things. He refers to my property as “bildge”. “Oh you have got a new TV I hope its not coming in this house… filling my house up with all your bildge”. Basically everything that’s can fit under my bed is in my car. Please don’t steal it. But like my kites, golf clubs, shoes and clothes. Yeah it’s really stupid. As well. We are not allowed to use the second bathroom. He used the main bathroom for serten things and wont do those in his on sweet. But whilst hes in there we are not allowed to use the other room. So bluntly he on purposely makes me late for work by taking a shit and wont let me clean my teeth in his bathroom. Also the shower on the main bathroom is broken. And the on sweet shower is fine. So hes ok. And wont fix the broken one. But we are not allowed to use his one. We have to have a small bath. With the other day monitored how much water I was using. And my bath apparently must be no deeper than a puddle. Witch means my bum and feet are nice and clean.
Any that’s turning into a moan, but hopefully that gives you an idea what hes like.
My lovely mother turned into a mother hen and went. Ohh its winter my babies need more quilts. And without telling me changed my quilt. She changed my normal fine quilt to one that some polar explorer would thing as a bit over kill. My room is fucking hot anyway. Two reasons one the hot water pipes run underneath it, and two. My ps3 xbox 360 and monitor produce more heat per minuet than a hydrogen bomb. So my room is plenty warm. Infect mum always walks in my room and complains how hot it is and insists I open a window. Witch comically turns out to be already wide open. This happens at least twice a week. But no I need a new 600 tog duvet coz its winter.
I kept waking up in the night thinking I had influenza. I was quite literally (not to gross you out but) pouring with sweat. I thought I was having a crazy fever. I was panicking that I was going to super ill and I HAD to go to work. So I kept just trying to sleep to hope I got better by morning. When I woke up I was laying in more water than im allowed in a bath. Mum walks in “morning. Pheeew its hot in here…. Hows you new duvet?”
Now my step dad is in that bathroom, the other siblings are in the queue and I stink like I have died and lat a yak piss on me. And then had to beg to be able to use the shower. Because im unreasonable wanting a shower and why couldn’t I just have a bath with everyone else in the bathroom.
Twat
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
65 days of static was really good
The only thing that let them down was the venue. It’s an exam hall. So the acoustics are shit and they’re a bit of distortion. That got sorted after a while though. Credit to the sound guy.
Support was from tired irie and youthmovies. Now to be fir I'm like most people and don’t give support bands much of a chance. I have a listen to a few songs, and if there shocking go to the bar. Tired irie where the first on and they where pretty good, the vocals where the sort of retro but modern 80’s feel thing that’s quite popular right now and it not my favourite thing but it worked. Younthmoves where pretty dire tho. They all looked like they where from different bands and they had “written” their songs 10 mins before going on. The lead bloke had an under cut and would have been the ugly one in a band like the ordinary boys. The rhythm. Looked like a 16 year old grunge/ metal wannbe. Drummer looked like their 40 year old uncle; bass looked like the longhaired jacked other tee shirt. Think rimmed black glasses mature student. Than the trumpet player looked like the gay evil little brother in wedding crashes only blonde. And each of their songs seemed to have 6 or 7 different songs in them, changing rhythm and stile total. And it just didn’t work. Like having 5 tapes set up to play in the middle of a random song on each the randomly play them in order. Then they would just stop and then all start shouting but no into their mics. It was pretty poor.
I also did my normal bump into the bad before the gig. Where I look at them and they look at me not knowing whether I’m a crazed fool or not. And weather I’m going to ask them for an autograph or ask them for there skin so I can make a suit. But I just say hi and ignore them, for that is the done thing.
65 days of static are rapidly become one of my favrote ever bands. Post rock is a strange crowed. Everyone just zones out. There is no mosh pit, just a bit of involuntary head bobbing and a few people wavering their arms. You almost zone out so much you forget to clap. So I imagine the band thinks everyone hates them but the better they do, the less crowed response. The drummer is amazing. and the whole band swapping between there instremts and sequencesers and samplers was cool.
I also saw a front ass woman today! It could have been the daughter of the original front assed woman
The only thing that let them down was the venue. It’s an exam hall. So the acoustics are shit and they’re a bit of distortion. That got sorted after a while though. Credit to the sound guy.
Support was from tired irie and youthmovies. Now to be fir I'm like most people and don’t give support bands much of a chance. I have a listen to a few songs, and if there shocking go to the bar. Tired irie where the first on and they where pretty good, the vocals where the sort of retro but modern 80’s feel thing that’s quite popular right now and it not my favourite thing but it worked. Younthmoves where pretty dire tho. They all looked like they where from different bands and they had “written” their songs 10 mins before going on. The lead bloke had an under cut and would have been the ugly one in a band like the ordinary boys. The rhythm. Looked like a 16 year old grunge/ metal wannbe. Drummer looked like their 40 year old uncle; bass looked like the longhaired jacked other tee shirt. Think rimmed black glasses mature student. Than the trumpet player looked like the gay evil little brother in wedding crashes only blonde. And each of their songs seemed to have 6 or 7 different songs in them, changing rhythm and stile total. And it just didn’t work. Like having 5 tapes set up to play in the middle of a random song on each the randomly play them in order. Then they would just stop and then all start shouting but no into their mics. It was pretty poor.
I also did my normal bump into the bad before the gig. Where I look at them and they look at me not knowing whether I’m a crazed fool or not. And weather I’m going to ask them for an autograph or ask them for there skin so I can make a suit. But I just say hi and ignore them, for that is the done thing.
65 days of static are rapidly become one of my favrote ever bands. Post rock is a strange crowed. Everyone just zones out. There is no mosh pit, just a bit of involuntary head bobbing and a few people wavering their arms. You almost zone out so much you forget to clap. So I imagine the band thinks everyone hates them but the better they do, the less crowed response. The drummer is amazing. and the whole band swapping between there instremts and sequencesers and samplers was cool.
I also saw a front ass woman today! It could have been the daughter of the original front assed woman
Monday, October 29, 2007
You don’t choose the music you like it chooses you
Tonight I’m off to see 65 days of static. http://www.65daysofstatic.com/
It’s going to be a mad rush. I hate doing things after work. The driving rush. Then being relent on public transport and drunk. Or driving and having to drive park and all the complications there. Recently I couldn’t go to London to see Richard herring for these reasons.
Today was going to be different. Monday night. Got Tuesday off. Its in Southampton . Traffic permitting ill get there around 7 it starts 7 :30. So all should be fine. I had a place to stay so I could get merry. But then I noticed I have the dentist tomorrow at 9:15. So looks like in sober and having a drive home after. But it’s only Southampton, so it’s not all bad. I defiantly can’t go to the dentist and breath rotting beer fumes at him. As funny as that would be it just not the done thing.
In my life most of the music you like, or bands you like have been showed to you by someone else. This in not including stuff you see on mtv or whatever kids get up to these days
I hardly listen to the radio. Maybe 5 hours a year, and at one point on a drunken state I was thinking about if I had a band how I would cross aphex twin with a rock band. And I hit the radio button on my mobile phone by accident. And there it was. 65 days of static snare rushes and guitars exactly as I wanted. I herd the end of a live radio show. And I was hooked. 9 am I order their LP. The fall of math and I have every LP they have made since. Threw a randomness I found them. And I have been waiting a good long time to see them live. And tonight it is. I hope they live up to my expectations. And I’m shure they will.
That will be another band I can cross of my list of I have to see. Witch is good. Because too many have broken up and I will never get the chance. Eg cold
Maybe if I listen to the radio more ill find more music to love. But then I'm a musical snob and hate new bands.
i have been a bit confuse by my thoughts and actions latley, made some desisions done some things not done some things, well you have stick up for your prinsaples no matter how wrong they are. let the music choose you and let is sooth you.
tha sounded a bit emo didnt it.
Tonight I’m off to see 65 days of static. http://www.65daysofstatic.com/
It’s going to be a mad rush. I hate doing things after work. The driving rush. Then being relent on public transport and drunk. Or driving and having to drive park and all the complications there. Recently I couldn’t go to London to see Richard herring for these reasons.
Today was going to be different. Monday night. Got Tuesday off. Its in Southampton . Traffic permitting ill get there around 7 it starts 7 :30. So all should be fine. I had a place to stay so I could get merry. But then I noticed I have the dentist tomorrow at 9:15. So looks like in sober and having a drive home after. But it’s only Southampton, so it’s not all bad. I defiantly can’t go to the dentist and breath rotting beer fumes at him. As funny as that would be it just not the done thing.
In my life most of the music you like, or bands you like have been showed to you by someone else. This in not including stuff you see on mtv or whatever kids get up to these days
I hardly listen to the radio. Maybe 5 hours a year, and at one point on a drunken state I was thinking about if I had a band how I would cross aphex twin with a rock band. And I hit the radio button on my mobile phone by accident. And there it was. 65 days of static snare rushes and guitars exactly as I wanted. I herd the end of a live radio show. And I was hooked. 9 am I order their LP. The fall of math and I have every LP they have made since. Threw a randomness I found them. And I have been waiting a good long time to see them live. And tonight it is. I hope they live up to my expectations. And I’m shure they will.
That will be another band I can cross of my list of I have to see. Witch is good. Because too many have broken up and I will never get the chance. Eg cold
Maybe if I listen to the radio more ill find more music to love. But then I'm a musical snob and hate new bands.
i have been a bit confuse by my thoughts and actions latley, made some desisions done some things not done some things, well you have stick up for your prinsaples no matter how wrong they are. let the music choose you and let is sooth you.
tha sounded a bit emo didnt it.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Kamikaze flies
My eyes are fucking magnets to debris. If there is something airborne in a not to long time scale it will hit me in one or both the eyes. The small the object the more likely to hit me in the most inappropriate time. This is probably one of the reasons I were glasses pretty much all the time when I’m out. Well today I was hit by a fly or something it was hard to tell what it was from its remains. When I was in mid stride across the road with on coming traffic. Splat! (The fly in my eye, not me and the car silly). Will that was a possibility as I was temporally blinded. (ohh my god there s a strange kin “moon walking” down the street. Anyhoo. I was in traffic blind. Lucky work was just round the corner. Then I spent 10 mins picking the little fuckers wings off my eyeball. Do you know how hard it is to do that? The wings are so thin they just mould to the surface of our eyes and stick there. Well you pick them off and take half your eye with it. Then I spend the rest of the day praying I don’t get an eye infection, coz I cant work if I have one. And because im a hypochondriac thinking ive got one and psychosomatic feeling its imaginary symptoms
My eyes are fucking magnets to debris. If there is something airborne in a not to long time scale it will hit me in one or both the eyes. The small the object the more likely to hit me in the most inappropriate time. This is probably one of the reasons I were glasses pretty much all the time when I’m out. Well today I was hit by a fly or something it was hard to tell what it was from its remains. When I was in mid stride across the road with on coming traffic. Splat! (The fly in my eye, not me and the car silly). Will that was a possibility as I was temporally blinded. (ohh my god there s a strange kin “moon walking” down the street. Anyhoo. I was in traffic blind. Lucky work was just round the corner. Then I spent 10 mins picking the little fuckers wings off my eyeball. Do you know how hard it is to do that? The wings are so thin they just mould to the surface of our eyes and stick there. Well you pick them off and take half your eye with it. Then I spend the rest of the day praying I don’t get an eye infection, coz I cant work if I have one. And because im a hypochondriac thinking ive got one and psychosomatic feeling its imaginary symptoms
Thursday, October 11, 2007
breacfast is hard
in aldershot there is a little cafe and they make me bacon sandwedges but in farnbro, there sainsburys.
ready made sandwedges are userly just condesced mayo. so i try to avoid.
some one at work has left a toster here , so i have been haveing bagles.
but today i fancyed some crumpets
i dont like buying crumpets bucause they need butter and a block of butter get total wasted basicly because i only need a little bit and i come in a block the size of a brick.
so i dodnt usely buy them. thats the kind of man i am id rather by more expencive smaller food as to avoid wasting it.
anyhoo today i relly wanted crumpets. grabbed theos and the smallest packet of butter i could.
the toast them butter on, humm somthing strange
i have managed to buy faulty crumpets. they have no holes in.
and yes they are crmpets before you go thinking ive got tea cakes insted. i know my toasty food stuffs
faulty crumpets
in aldershot there is a little cafe and they make me bacon sandwedges but in farnbro, there sainsburys.
ready made sandwedges are userly just condesced mayo. so i try to avoid.
some one at work has left a toster here , so i have been haveing bagles.
but today i fancyed some crumpets
i dont like buying crumpets bucause they need butter and a block of butter get total wasted basicly because i only need a little bit and i come in a block the size of a brick.
so i dodnt usely buy them. thats the kind of man i am id rather by more expencive smaller food as to avoid wasting it.
anyhoo today i relly wanted crumpets. grabbed theos and the smallest packet of butter i could.
the toast them butter on, humm somthing strange
i have managed to buy faulty crumpets. they have no holes in.
and yes they are crmpets before you go thinking ive got tea cakes insted. i know my toasty food stuffs
faulty crumpets
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
For fucks sake. (warning long post and i havnt had a chance to spell check it)
In Aldershot as in every town, there is a type of people, these people are a waste of space and there is only I way to deal with them, very carefully
They have been in the pub from 10 am, then the go to the bookies then back to the pub. 3pm they deside they best do what they where going to do today.
I used to be able to identify them by the smell of smoke. Now that’s gone the smell of booze is harder to smell.
I guy comes in faintly smelling of alcahol, and pauses before he talks for too long to be normal. Warning go off in my head.
“mate …. Mate I want my eyes tested”
“ok sir … I can book you in”
long pause
“so not now then”
“im sorry I don’t have any avalble appointments until next week” (I lie)
long pause
“cant I just buy some glasses…………………. Ill pay”
“im sorry it dosnt work like that. We. Need to doo an eyete..”
“look mate cant I just try a few on and see wich work I don’t care”
“no the NEED to be made”
“well I can try them……. Coz my eyes have gone funny” at this point he point to his own eye and almost stabes his finger drunkenly into his brain
“got to do a test it’s the way it works” (plese stab yourself)
then theres a long pause where he looks at me confused and unhappy then the expression change to that of a drunk about to rainbow yawn.
He ssems to regain control of him self, as I look discussed and slightly worried about the thought of 1 dodgeing his vomit then having to kick him in, and then mop it up.
“can I have some water”
“no” (probably a bit rude of me)
“what?”
“no I haven’t got any” (I lie again)
“what?”
“look theres a news agents next door”
“well what do you drink then?”
well… coke from next door” (obouse lie to anyone that knows me)
he looks at me confused and then a bit more annoyed the stats giving me his phone number I jot it down on a scrap of paper then throw it in thebin. With him still sitting there infront of me. He fails to notice
“you’ll give me a call then?”
“yep”
then he starts to reach slowly into his pocket. Mental I start to think about what it would be like to punch him if it was nessery. Will technicly its nessery now but that’s just my opinion, so nessery buy self defence starndards. He pulls out a red post office come and get your parsell coz you wherent in thing he drunkenly flips it over and over in his hands
“you know the {mumble} started 8 {mumble}”
“what?”
“the premership”
“ohh right”
“yeah well the sun {mumble}” (says a lot I understand none of it apart from the guess that maybe hes order something about foot ball from the sun news paper)
I nod and he contiues to mumble
Then I make my mestake. I try to be funny
“sods law about the post strike then”
“what?”
“well you have to get it and there a strike on?”
“its taken the 8 games worth of time to send it to me”
“and sods law it arrives in the middle of a postal strike” (this few lines get repeted a few times with the guy getting more and more annoyed)
“do you want to read the form”
“no thank you”
“well it says its here”
“yeah but aint they closed from 12 as the strikes started again”
“its taken them 8 weeks to send it to me”
“and its sods law its arrived now”
“look the fuck form says its at the sorting office”
“that’s lovely but isn’t it closed”
“what?”
“coz there is a strike on”
“well its cost me £2.73 to get here”
“right…..” I just look at him funny
“well sir mr ive got a tie… I phoned them”
“ok “
“coz im older than you”
“that’s nice for you then isn’t it” (a bit to sarcastic for my own good)
he gets up and kicks the chair, as a girl probably only 15-16 comes in. he starts making faces behind her back like a pedophile. And winking at her. Thankfully she oblivouse to all this. He walks out the door and looks threw the window at me and her talking making sagestive facees.
The girl hands over some old specs for charity. And goes to leave
“wait a minuet”
the girl looks panicy at me “?”
“that guy is pissed out of his head just wait a second for him to go”
“ohh ok….. hes probuly been in my mums charity shop”
I look at the bloke and he walks off
“thanks ill put thses in the carty box” and she leaves
on lighter notes
stuwart lee was brillent, if you have the chance see hit 41st best standup ever show. Also had a surprisingly good walm up act of Stephen carlin.
I hate shoe shopping with a passion you can only dream of. So I had to buy some shoes to play badminton in that don’t mark the floor. Coz this monkey on a power trip at the sports hall always thinks I haven’t payed and that a liitle bit of black rubber on the floor (witch I didn’t put there) constitutes criminal damage
I went to socour sport or what ever they are called this week in blazingstoke. It’s a aladins cave of diccount sweatshop merchendise. My rules for shoe shoping are as follows
Rule 1. done go shoe shoping
If this rule gets broken then go to rule set b
1.b swifness is the key take no longer than 5 mins or I will snap
2.b only try on shoe that are in my size on the shelf to avoid picking something I hate slightly less than everything else only to find its not available.
3.b pick pay get out AAAAAAHHHHH I fucking hate shoe shoping
now anys techneque is very different. He like to fucking do everything possbale to the shoe before he buys it, he practicly had a clip bord and was giving the shoe marks out of 10 at different paced walks. He was then extramly upset when the 5 mins where up, and I angrly shouted fuck it this is taking too long and picked up a random shoe put it on and then went that will do. Leaving him holding a pair that I said where comfier. “But there are more compy.” “Couldn’t give a fuck this shit is taking to long” “but but but” “but what a shoe is a shoe” “but you have to buy the most compy nomater what the cost” “ill brake them in”
all the time in the que he said he felt sad for me.
I got home and my sister being a girl likes shoes. I hate them buy the way, and feet. She opened them expecting my noram air walk deck shoes, and was met by a brillent white trainer. She laughed for a full minuet then almost hyperventilated. “there quie nice” I continued to frown at her “no relly” “why you laughting then?” “was it?” “look there just for badminton and they need to be white so the don’t mark the floor” “of you counsel estate” “no the sports hall”
Thej she moans at my mother for 45 mins about the army open show day she been on. Shes been sat in the rain for hours. Whej some one came up and asked if she had enjoyed her day she said. “if I wanded to wach army stuff I would have stayed at home with a cup of tea and watched saving private ryan” the person that asked her was stood next to a major
In Aldershot as in every town, there is a type of people, these people are a waste of space and there is only I way to deal with them, very carefully
They have been in the pub from 10 am, then the go to the bookies then back to the pub. 3pm they deside they best do what they where going to do today.
I used to be able to identify them by the smell of smoke. Now that’s gone the smell of booze is harder to smell.
I guy comes in faintly smelling of alcahol, and pauses before he talks for too long to be normal. Warning go off in my head.
“mate …. Mate I want my eyes tested”
“ok sir … I can book you in”
long pause
“so not now then”
“im sorry I don’t have any avalble appointments until next week” (I lie)
long pause
“cant I just buy some glasses…………………. Ill pay”
“im sorry it dosnt work like that. We. Need to doo an eyete..”
“look mate cant I just try a few on and see wich work I don’t care”
“no the NEED to be made”
“well I can try them……. Coz my eyes have gone funny” at this point he point to his own eye and almost stabes his finger drunkenly into his brain
“got to do a test it’s the way it works” (plese stab yourself)
then theres a long pause where he looks at me confused and unhappy then the expression change to that of a drunk about to rainbow yawn.
He ssems to regain control of him self, as I look discussed and slightly worried about the thought of 1 dodgeing his vomit then having to kick him in, and then mop it up.
“can I have some water”
“no” (probably a bit rude of me)
“what?”
“no I haven’t got any” (I lie again)
“what?”
“look theres a news agents next door”
“well what do you drink then?”
well… coke from next door” (obouse lie to anyone that knows me)
he looks at me confused and then a bit more annoyed the stats giving me his phone number I jot it down on a scrap of paper then throw it in thebin. With him still sitting there infront of me. He fails to notice
“you’ll give me a call then?”
“yep”
then he starts to reach slowly into his pocket. Mental I start to think about what it would be like to punch him if it was nessery. Will technicly its nessery now but that’s just my opinion, so nessery buy self defence starndards. He pulls out a red post office come and get your parsell coz you wherent in thing he drunkenly flips it over and over in his hands
“you know the {mumble} started 8 {mumble}”
“what?”
“the premership”
“ohh right”
“yeah well the sun {mumble}” (says a lot I understand none of it apart from the guess that maybe hes order something about foot ball from the sun news paper)
I nod and he contiues to mumble
Then I make my mestake. I try to be funny
“sods law about the post strike then”
“what?”
“well you have to get it and there a strike on?”
“its taken the 8 games worth of time to send it to me”
“and sods law it arrives in the middle of a postal strike” (this few lines get repeted a few times with the guy getting more and more annoyed)
“do you want to read the form”
“no thank you”
“well it says its here”
“yeah but aint they closed from 12 as the strikes started again”
“its taken them 8 weeks to send it to me”
“and its sods law its arrived now”
“look the fuck form says its at the sorting office”
“that’s lovely but isn’t it closed”
“what?”
“coz there is a strike on”
“well its cost me £2.73 to get here”
“right…..” I just look at him funny
“well sir mr ive got a tie… I phoned them”
“ok “
“coz im older than you”
“that’s nice for you then isn’t it” (a bit to sarcastic for my own good)
he gets up and kicks the chair, as a girl probably only 15-16 comes in. he starts making faces behind her back like a pedophile. And winking at her. Thankfully she oblivouse to all this. He walks out the door and looks threw the window at me and her talking making sagestive facees.
The girl hands over some old specs for charity. And goes to leave
“wait a minuet”
the girl looks panicy at me “?”
“that guy is pissed out of his head just wait a second for him to go”
“ohh ok….. hes probuly been in my mums charity shop”
I look at the bloke and he walks off
“thanks ill put thses in the carty box” and she leaves
on lighter notes
stuwart lee was brillent, if you have the chance see hit 41st best standup ever show. Also had a surprisingly good walm up act of Stephen carlin.
I hate shoe shopping with a passion you can only dream of. So I had to buy some shoes to play badminton in that don’t mark the floor. Coz this monkey on a power trip at the sports hall always thinks I haven’t payed and that a liitle bit of black rubber on the floor (witch I didn’t put there) constitutes criminal damage
I went to socour sport or what ever they are called this week in blazingstoke. It’s a aladins cave of diccount sweatshop merchendise. My rules for shoe shoping are as follows
Rule 1. done go shoe shoping
If this rule gets broken then go to rule set b
1.b swifness is the key take no longer than 5 mins or I will snap
2.b only try on shoe that are in my size on the shelf to avoid picking something I hate slightly less than everything else only to find its not available.
3.b pick pay get out AAAAAAHHHHH I fucking hate shoe shoping
now anys techneque is very different. He like to fucking do everything possbale to the shoe before he buys it, he practicly had a clip bord and was giving the shoe marks out of 10 at different paced walks. He was then extramly upset when the 5 mins where up, and I angrly shouted fuck it this is taking too long and picked up a random shoe put it on and then went that will do. Leaving him holding a pair that I said where comfier. “But there are more compy.” “Couldn’t give a fuck this shit is taking to long” “but but but” “but what a shoe is a shoe” “but you have to buy the most compy nomater what the cost” “ill brake them in”
all the time in the que he said he felt sad for me.
I got home and my sister being a girl likes shoes. I hate them buy the way, and feet. She opened them expecting my noram air walk deck shoes, and was met by a brillent white trainer. She laughed for a full minuet then almost hyperventilated. “there quie nice” I continued to frown at her “no relly” “why you laughting then?” “was it?” “look there just for badminton and they need to be white so the don’t mark the floor” “of you counsel estate” “no the sports hall”
Thej she moans at my mother for 45 mins about the army open show day she been on. Shes been sat in the rain for hours. Whej some one came up and asked if she had enjoyed her day she said. “if I wanded to wach army stuff I would have stayed at home with a cup of tea and watched saving private ryan” the person that asked her was stood next to a major
Thursday, October 04, 2007
Phycadelic yucky flu and finishing the fight
Ive contracted evil man flu, and for the first time in a long time I have had a day off. Technically it was two, but one of them was my day off. Bless my dad he looks after me shivering and sweating and full of snot I was as much a danger to the world market on tissue paper as much as a was to computer generated aliens.
I finished the fight and the fight finished pretty much as I expected. Halo 1 starts with you coming out of deep sleep and in the end you return to it like king arther ready to be awoken the next time humanity needs you. Its all quite infesting the way they have a sort of mash mash of the bible and different cultures mythology sort of running behind the main story. I have to admit I was expecting a twist. And what I thought for a second was going to be an amazing one, wasn’t. So I think they missed a bit of a trick there. I’m not going into it all here as I may spoil the game for you. Saying that my readership is probably only 2 people and neither are interested in video games. Stewart lee this weekend, woot! Lets hope I have stopped sneezing and snotting
Right better get back to raising the share price of galaxo-smith-kline
Ive contracted evil man flu, and for the first time in a long time I have had a day off. Technically it was two, but one of them was my day off. Bless my dad he looks after me shivering and sweating and full of snot I was as much a danger to the world market on tissue paper as much as a was to computer generated aliens.
I finished the fight and the fight finished pretty much as I expected. Halo 1 starts with you coming out of deep sleep and in the end you return to it like king arther ready to be awoken the next time humanity needs you. Its all quite infesting the way they have a sort of mash mash of the bible and different cultures mythology sort of running behind the main story. I have to admit I was expecting a twist. And what I thought for a second was going to be an amazing one, wasn’t. So I think they missed a bit of a trick there. I’m not going into it all here as I may spoil the game for you. Saying that my readership is probably only 2 people and neither are interested in video games. Stewart lee this weekend, woot! Lets hope I have stopped sneezing and snotting
Right better get back to raising the share price of galaxo-smith-kline
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Well the weekend was fun nice to talk shit with the chizz again, she shouldn’t go away so much, coz it makes kev lonely and I have no access to my attorney.
I actually lost my rag in a comedy way, I was camping up my anger, but I was being kecked awake every 2 mins for the best part of 3 hours to play Mario party. With was quite litry hell on earth and I kept being forced to go up the exhaust vent. With is not taking crack fuck knows where someone got that from. It’s a kid’s game.
I finally got my phone back. Well I got a replacement, so I have lost everything. So if everyone would be kind enough to txt me there numbers I would be grateful. Or if you don’t, you won’t get txt inviting to out because I need people to sit near me with I destroy my liver.
Halo 3 is not too shabby. What is shabby is the fucking box. The normal box is fine. No drama there. But the collectors edition that is 10 sterlings more. Include a making of disk and a hardback book and a few odds and sods. The problem is some dumb got the idea to not use the same kind of spools like a normal dvd box.. You know the bit you push and pop the disk on. With this just has a metal peg. That doesn’t compress like plastic. So you eather have to force the disc on, causing damage to the hole in the disk. Or it falls off. With everyone one of them has done in transit. The disk is free inside the metal tin with only the metal peg to rum against. So you 50 sterlings get you a nice book and a few odds and sod but the most important part is now about as good a as beer mat. Microsoft are doing a fill in a for and send off you disk and get a free replacement. But fuck that is going to take a min of a week with all the postage.
Not only do they have a consaul that was built from second rate. Nay a 9th rate part that dies, they get the most anticipated game of all time (so far) and make it so the packaging damages the product. As if the fucking machine isn’t going to do that for you aswell. I just hope it all holds together wilst I finish the fight.
I actually lost my rag in a comedy way, I was camping up my anger, but I was being kecked awake every 2 mins for the best part of 3 hours to play Mario party. With was quite litry hell on earth and I kept being forced to go up the exhaust vent. With is not taking crack fuck knows where someone got that from. It’s a kid’s game.
I finally got my phone back. Well I got a replacement, so I have lost everything. So if everyone would be kind enough to txt me there numbers I would be grateful. Or if you don’t, you won’t get txt inviting to out because I need people to sit near me with I destroy my liver.
Halo 3 is not too shabby. What is shabby is the fucking box. The normal box is fine. No drama there. But the collectors edition that is 10 sterlings more. Include a making of disk and a hardback book and a few odds and sods. The problem is some dumb got the idea to not use the same kind of spools like a normal dvd box.. You know the bit you push and pop the disk on. With this just has a metal peg. That doesn’t compress like plastic. So you eather have to force the disc on, causing damage to the hole in the disk. Or it falls off. With everyone one of them has done in transit. The disk is free inside the metal tin with only the metal peg to rum against. So you 50 sterlings get you a nice book and a few odds and sod but the most important part is now about as good a as beer mat. Microsoft are doing a fill in a for and send off you disk and get a free replacement. But fuck that is going to take a min of a week with all the postage.
Not only do they have a consaul that was built from second rate. Nay a 9th rate part that dies, they get the most anticipated game of all time (so far) and make it so the packaging damages the product. As if the fucking machine isn’t going to do that for you aswell. I just hope it all holds together wilst I finish the fight.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
“Come on Harry time to get up and go to work”
“eeee…..rrgggg”
“You better leave early there’s a fog on”
“Arse”
“Yeah looks bad”
“Cock it”
“ohh your brother “got” loads of bacon again”
“tut… thieving gypo”
“Well iv cooked loads of it, it’s in the fridge.. Have some for lunch will you”
“Oh so I can be apart of this dastardly crime and eat the evidence”
“Yes Harry, well there's bacon if you want some”
“How’s about you pop some bread and some bacon in a lunch box for me and ill have a bacon sarney for breakfast”
“Ok no problem”
“Thanks mum, ill find you a nice old people home when the time comes”
“tut……”
I get to work open my lunchbox. Expecting cooked bacon to heat up and bread. Instead I find 4 slices of raw bacon,
That home is not going to be so good, and the time is sooner than she thinks
“eeee…..rrgggg”
“You better leave early there’s a fog on”
“Arse”
“Yeah looks bad”
“Cock it”
“ohh your brother “got” loads of bacon again”
“tut… thieving gypo”
“Well iv cooked loads of it, it’s in the fridge.. Have some for lunch will you”
“Oh so I can be apart of this dastardly crime and eat the evidence”
“Yes Harry, well there's bacon if you want some”
“How’s about you pop some bread and some bacon in a lunch box for me and ill have a bacon sarney for breakfast”
“Ok no problem”
“Thanks mum, ill find you a nice old people home when the time comes”
“tut……”
I get to work open my lunchbox. Expecting cooked bacon to heat up and bread. Instead I find 4 slices of raw bacon,
That home is not going to be so good, and the time is sooner than she thinks
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Mischief hat was on this morning,
Phone prank time, me with my best generic angry northern with a hint of Scottish or Irish. The only good angry accent I can do. And over the phone when doing this I sound late 40’s apparently. I don’t do this voice to much, coz a. I don’t want to over use it and b. its takes me about 10 mins to warm up. But I almost ran over my friend on the way to work, and that gave me 10 mins to warm up and thing of the prank. Hes just started as a postman.
“Hullo. Is that Anthony Pryor?” (he hates being called Anthony)
“er… well yes …. Actually its Tony…. Who’s this?”
“ This is Tommy Johnson of the royal mail complaints committee”
(Slight panic in voice) “Ok really”
“I'm afraid we have had a complaint about you this morning”
(More panic)”really?”
“I’m afraid it’s quite serious”
(Absolute panic now)”you’re joking”
“You have been spotted in upper hale staggering and driving your bike erratically leading people to complain that you appear drunk and extremely dangerous to traffic”
“What! Oh my god….”
“Yes! So I am have to request you come in for a mandatory drugs test the results of witch will determine the continuation of your employment”
“Ohh my god you’re joking right?”
“Hi Tony.”
“Fuck its you Harry. Shit mate you had me really going I’m shitting myself”
“ohh sorry dude. Saw you this morning and nearly hit you with my car”
“Today’s my second day of this new round and its about 3 times as long as my last and people are moaning that I deliver at a different time to the old post man… having a really bad day”
“Ohh sorry mate it was just coincidence”
“Don’t be sorry mate you where brilliant had no idea it was you. Made me shit myself”
his revenge will be along shortly
Phone prank time, me with my best generic angry northern with a hint of Scottish or Irish. The only good angry accent I can do. And over the phone when doing this I sound late 40’s apparently. I don’t do this voice to much, coz a. I don’t want to over use it and b. its takes me about 10 mins to warm up. But I almost ran over my friend on the way to work, and that gave me 10 mins to warm up and thing of the prank. Hes just started as a postman.
“Hullo. Is that Anthony Pryor?” (he hates being called Anthony)
“er… well yes …. Actually its Tony…. Who’s this?”
“ This is Tommy Johnson of the royal mail complaints committee”
(Slight panic in voice) “Ok really”
“I'm afraid we have had a complaint about you this morning”
(More panic)”really?”
“I’m afraid it’s quite serious”
(Absolute panic now)”you’re joking”
“You have been spotted in upper hale staggering and driving your bike erratically leading people to complain that you appear drunk and extremely dangerous to traffic”
“What! Oh my god….”
“Yes! So I am have to request you come in for a mandatory drugs test the results of witch will determine the continuation of your employment”
“Ohh my god you’re joking right?”
“Hi Tony.”
“Fuck its you Harry. Shit mate you had me really going I’m shitting myself”
“ohh sorry dude. Saw you this morning and nearly hit you with my car”
“Today’s my second day of this new round and its about 3 times as long as my last and people are moaning that I deliver at a different time to the old post man… having a really bad day”
“Ohh sorry mate it was just coincidence”
“Don’t be sorry mate you where brilliant had no idea it was you. Made me shit myself”
his revenge will be along shortly
Monday, September 17, 2007
Getting rambo’d up
I do enjoy a spot of paintball. I’m userly I'm quite good. Yesterday I sucked. The first 5 games went by and I hadn’t even got a kill. Is was going a “ron” for those who are not familiar with ron. Hes a fucking paint ball magnet. First game a stray shot pops onside the hut I was in a hits my gun. I’m out. Second game I run up to a barrier, didn’t even get to fire and a 1 in a million shit goes threw the 2 cm hole I’m looking threw and hits me striate between the eyes. 20 second into the game. I’m out. I take a hit to the head when running upto a barrier it was a lucky long shot, and I got hit in the mouth from a curling shot of much luckiness. I started to feel like I was doomed to be the new ron. Then when my own team shot me in the back I knew soothing was up. I did manage to get my act together and score some kills. In one game I got 5 and it distracted me from all the new lumps I have on my head. And the lovely taste of paint in my mouth. I think the main tip of the day was, weeks before the paintball don’t photo shop pictures of the bloke who has his own gun and is a bit scary with pictures of manatees in varouse poses once a day on his website forum. They wanted to gaffer tape me up and shoot me. But god bless health and safety they weren’t allowed. So I got shot a lot sans gaffer tape. He also put a smoke grenade in my belt and set it off. Worst of all was the “stray” shot that hit me in the nuts!
Paintball I love it
Ohh and Donna shouted in a foghorn loud voice “ohh my guns stopped working” when se was in combat. Then she unsprisingly got bundled.
I do enjoy a spot of paintball. I’m userly I'm quite good. Yesterday I sucked. The first 5 games went by and I hadn’t even got a kill. Is was going a “ron” for those who are not familiar with ron. Hes a fucking paint ball magnet. First game a stray shot pops onside the hut I was in a hits my gun. I’m out. Second game I run up to a barrier, didn’t even get to fire and a 1 in a million shit goes threw the 2 cm hole I’m looking threw and hits me striate between the eyes. 20 second into the game. I’m out. I take a hit to the head when running upto a barrier it was a lucky long shot, and I got hit in the mouth from a curling shot of much luckiness. I started to feel like I was doomed to be the new ron. Then when my own team shot me in the back I knew soothing was up. I did manage to get my act together and score some kills. In one game I got 5 and it distracted me from all the new lumps I have on my head. And the lovely taste of paint in my mouth. I think the main tip of the day was, weeks before the paintball don’t photo shop pictures of the bloke who has his own gun and is a bit scary with pictures of manatees in varouse poses once a day on his website forum. They wanted to gaffer tape me up and shoot me. But god bless health and safety they weren’t allowed. So I got shot a lot sans gaffer tape. He also put a smoke grenade in my belt and set it off. Worst of all was the “stray” shot that hit me in the nuts!
Paintball I love it
Ohh and Donna shouted in a foghorn loud voice “ohh my guns stopped working” when se was in combat. Then she unsprisingly got bundled.
Friday, September 14, 2007
Smashing your face into a brick wall
There are days at work where if feels like I am. People on the whole are stupid. I mean really stupid. Unable to understand the most simple of basic premises.
“I cant read the book”
“Put on your reading glasses….. Ok can you read it now”
“Yes…. But now I cant see across the road”
“That’s because you have your reading glasses on take them off… can you see across the road now”
“Yes but now I cant see the book”
No joke this goes on for about 20 mins
“Sir if you want to see anything in your hands put on the reading glasses….. If you want to see anything further than arms length away take them off”
“But the closer thing are to me the bluryer they are”
“Yes that why I have made you some reading glasses”
“But I can’t see across the road with them”
“That’s because they are for reading”
“But I don’t read much”
“Ok there not just for reading they are for near vision.”
“What’s that?”
“Looking at anything close up”
“Like number plates”
“No not like number plates, I would hope they being on cars are further than arms length away from you. Don’t drive with them on”
“I don’t drive anyway, my cars only done 3 miles”
“Yeah yeah ok… so have you understood what the glasses are for now?”
“Is there anyway you can make some glasses that bake the distance closer”
At this point I just ignore him for the sake of my sanity and temper and push him out the door
The next woman in says that she got dubble vision. But only if she has her glasses on and if she has 1 eye shut. To have dubble vision you need two eyes. Unless there is something really wrong with you but that would be all the time, not just with her glasses on.
I phone a colige for advice.
“Be nice to her, she’s and idiot”
What a fucking morning…(so far)
There are days at work where if feels like I am. People on the whole are stupid. I mean really stupid. Unable to understand the most simple of basic premises.
“I cant read the book”
“Put on your reading glasses….. Ok can you read it now”
“Yes…. But now I cant see across the road”
“That’s because you have your reading glasses on take them off… can you see across the road now”
“Yes but now I cant see the book”
No joke this goes on for about 20 mins
“Sir if you want to see anything in your hands put on the reading glasses….. If you want to see anything further than arms length away take them off”
“But the closer thing are to me the bluryer they are”
“Yes that why I have made you some reading glasses”
“But I can’t see across the road with them”
“That’s because they are for reading”
“But I don’t read much”
“Ok there not just for reading they are for near vision.”
“What’s that?”
“Looking at anything close up”
“Like number plates”
“No not like number plates, I would hope they being on cars are further than arms length away from you. Don’t drive with them on”
“I don’t drive anyway, my cars only done 3 miles”
“Yeah yeah ok… so have you understood what the glasses are for now?”
“Is there anyway you can make some glasses that bake the distance closer”
At this point I just ignore him for the sake of my sanity and temper and push him out the door
The next woman in says that she got dubble vision. But only if she has her glasses on and if she has 1 eye shut. To have dubble vision you need two eyes. Unless there is something really wrong with you but that would be all the time, not just with her glasses on.
I phone a colige for advice.
“Be nice to her, she’s and idiot”
What a fucking morning…(so far)
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Monday, September 10, 2007
Mood swings and roundabouts
This weekend was the race day at donnington. We went last year and it was good fun except the getting up a stupid o clock, and then getting stuck in traffic. Also I got blamed for making everyone late last year. Matt over slept and just because I'm userly the one that makes everyone late matt told everyone it was me and they believe him. Well this year matt wanted to go up on the Saturday to watch the qualifying and stuff. I work Saturday, so I said if I get a move on we could get there just in time to see the last bit and he was ok with that. It was around to a few mins before I leave work and I was looking on the website to see if there was a race timetable. When I notice something….. There is no camping.
“Matt what’s the plan then?”
“ohh I thought we’d just wing it”
“Well ok, but what about camping”
“There’s camping there”
“No there isn’t”
“ohh we are screwed then”
“fucking marlollouse”
“millwall?”
“You told him it was next weekend so he’s in fucking Wales”
“ohh”
So before we left Andover we almost came to fisty cuffs. I actually get livid at bad planning. I was almost paralysed with rage. So much so I had to go get some beer of I would have killed him. We got to donnington after a 2 and a bit hour drive. In witch I was grinding me teeth and I had contracted bad gut because I touched the reading tent. I swear I’m allergic to it or something, every time I go near it I void my bowls. When we got there I sort of had a plan in my head, that we’d just put the tent up in the car park, id get really drunk and fall asleep. We may get moaned at in the morning but it’s always easier to get forgiveness than permission. The one flaw in my stupid little hope of a plan was, that we couldn’t actuality get to the car park because the roads where closed. All I can say is I’m not going to slag off sat nav again. We popped in the closed country park, we drove to it and found a campsite. And threw some miracle it wasn’t 100% full. It was about 99.9% full. And we squeezed the tent it. I regaled the others with tales of my misfortune involving excreta. Coming to think of it most of the things that have happened in my life have involved me ingesting, excreting or getting excreted on in some humorous way. Well not evan my beer and sleeping bag that was acquired in 1983 with 15 green shield stamps could keep me warm. And I froze my man boobs or moobs off. Also I noted with mild disbelief that that tent has done 4 or five reading along other trips and it has never had a beer spilt in it, Saturday it had 3. None of witch where mine, spilling beer is a sin. I got woken up my mat. Well I say woken up but to be woken I would have to have been asleep. I was under my coat shivering. We packed up and I took some more Imodium. This I don’t really recommend to anyone but at the time it was the lesser of too evils. I did the only sane thing and carried on drinking. One of Matt’s workmates. Must be about 9 stone and he ate 3 ice creams 3 burgers 2 hot dogs and a ton of other stuff he must have guts like the tardis. The day of raceing was good. We saw a few people fly off the track in clouds of dust and some really good driving. Sitting there on the grass with cheep beer and the screaming hum of the engines off fast cars, made me feel happy. Almost enough to stop wanting to kick matt in the testicals about not sorting out a campsite and his best suggestion about sorting is was “we’re screwed” I saw the F1 car doing dounuts. And the 3.5 ltr formula Renault cars where 5 second slower doing a lap than the f1 car. And the f1 car wasn't even set up for donnington. Honestly its amazing the speed they travel at and accelerate at. On the way home I had pretty muck gone crazy from the heat (beer, Imodium, and bad food) that I was offering girls in near by cars sweeties and jumping over the other guys cars. Basically I was doing a millwall when we used to get stuck in traffic on the way to reading. Its an amazing day out I recommend it. It would be superb if matt had done some fricking planning, but maybe because he didn’t do any planning and it worked out, maybe just maybe that made me enjoy it more.
Apart from the sunstroke I now have
This weekend was the race day at donnington. We went last year and it was good fun except the getting up a stupid o clock, and then getting stuck in traffic. Also I got blamed for making everyone late last year. Matt over slept and just because I'm userly the one that makes everyone late matt told everyone it was me and they believe him. Well this year matt wanted to go up on the Saturday to watch the qualifying and stuff. I work Saturday, so I said if I get a move on we could get there just in time to see the last bit and he was ok with that. It was around to a few mins before I leave work and I was looking on the website to see if there was a race timetable. When I notice something….. There is no camping.
“Matt what’s the plan then?”
“ohh I thought we’d just wing it”
“Well ok, but what about camping”
“There’s camping there”
“No there isn’t”
“ohh we are screwed then”
“fucking marlollouse”
“millwall?”
“You told him it was next weekend so he’s in fucking Wales”
“ohh”
So before we left Andover we almost came to fisty cuffs. I actually get livid at bad planning. I was almost paralysed with rage. So much so I had to go get some beer of I would have killed him. We got to donnington after a 2 and a bit hour drive. In witch I was grinding me teeth and I had contracted bad gut because I touched the reading tent. I swear I’m allergic to it or something, every time I go near it I void my bowls. When we got there I sort of had a plan in my head, that we’d just put the tent up in the car park, id get really drunk and fall asleep. We may get moaned at in the morning but it’s always easier to get forgiveness than permission. The one flaw in my stupid little hope of a plan was, that we couldn’t actuality get to the car park because the roads where closed. All I can say is I’m not going to slag off sat nav again. We popped in the closed country park, we drove to it and found a campsite. And threw some miracle it wasn’t 100% full. It was about 99.9% full. And we squeezed the tent it. I regaled the others with tales of my misfortune involving excreta. Coming to think of it most of the things that have happened in my life have involved me ingesting, excreting or getting excreted on in some humorous way. Well not evan my beer and sleeping bag that was acquired in 1983 with 15 green shield stamps could keep me warm. And I froze my man boobs or moobs off. Also I noted with mild disbelief that that tent has done 4 or five reading along other trips and it has never had a beer spilt in it, Saturday it had 3. None of witch where mine, spilling beer is a sin. I got woken up my mat. Well I say woken up but to be woken I would have to have been asleep. I was under my coat shivering. We packed up and I took some more Imodium. This I don’t really recommend to anyone but at the time it was the lesser of too evils. I did the only sane thing and carried on drinking. One of Matt’s workmates. Must be about 9 stone and he ate 3 ice creams 3 burgers 2 hot dogs and a ton of other stuff he must have guts like the tardis. The day of raceing was good. We saw a few people fly off the track in clouds of dust and some really good driving. Sitting there on the grass with cheep beer and the screaming hum of the engines off fast cars, made me feel happy. Almost enough to stop wanting to kick matt in the testicals about not sorting out a campsite and his best suggestion about sorting is was “we’re screwed” I saw the F1 car doing dounuts. And the 3.5 ltr formula Renault cars where 5 second slower doing a lap than the f1 car. And the f1 car wasn't even set up for donnington. Honestly its amazing the speed they travel at and accelerate at. On the way home I had pretty muck gone crazy from the heat (beer, Imodium, and bad food) that I was offering girls in near by cars sweeties and jumping over the other guys cars. Basically I was doing a millwall when we used to get stuck in traffic on the way to reading. Its an amazing day out I recommend it. It would be superb if matt had done some fricking planning, but maybe because he didn’t do any planning and it worked out, maybe just maybe that made me enjoy it more.
Apart from the sunstroke I now have
Thursday, September 06, 2007
Ruining peoples lives.
On the advice of a few people I know I started a face book thing. This is completely different to my sheeetcannon thing. And on the advise of my attorney I did the compare people thing as “it can ruin peoples lives”. It pops up 2 of your friends and a question and you have to pick one. The questions range from witch one you prefer to travel with, to witch one you’d rather get a bonk on with. All very puerile but quite addictive. The its show you your results where you are in a kind of personality leaderbord. One this that struck me as strange is I failed to win and of the who would you rather kiss me or… lost those every single one. But I fucking own at the who would you rather marry. Yep people want to marry me but no kiss or have bangawang with me. I know its probably down to who I was compared with. If I kept being put up against brad pitt on the kissing front, then sure id expect to loose but I doubt he on facebook. Who are they comparing me with on the marrying front Pavarotti. Its probably down to who the other choice is but I cant help feeling like some people have got me down a safe bet. When everything goes tits up in their life and there a 40 or something lets go grab Harry hes the kind of pussy that’s going to do the washing up when I tell him. I feel like millhouse from the Simpson’s.
On another note I had to tell someone that there eyes are screwed. I didn’t say that I just looked at the forms and she burst into tear and said “why wont anyone tell me what s wrong, all this treatment is useless” I sat in my chair afraid to look up. It was the most uncoftable few minutes of my life. Well I’m going to make whoever has got me a safe bet, stand in, reserve husband have a really uncomfortable few minuets on the honeymoon
On the advice of a few people I know I started a face book thing. This is completely different to my sheeetcannon thing. And on the advise of my attorney I did the compare people thing as “it can ruin peoples lives”. It pops up 2 of your friends and a question and you have to pick one. The questions range from witch one you prefer to travel with, to witch one you’d rather get a bonk on with. All very puerile but quite addictive. The its show you your results where you are in a kind of personality leaderbord. One this that struck me as strange is I failed to win and of the who would you rather kiss me or… lost those every single one. But I fucking own at the who would you rather marry. Yep people want to marry me but no kiss or have bangawang with me. I know its probably down to who I was compared with. If I kept being put up against brad pitt on the kissing front, then sure id expect to loose but I doubt he on facebook. Who are they comparing me with on the marrying front Pavarotti. Its probably down to who the other choice is but I cant help feeling like some people have got me down a safe bet. When everything goes tits up in their life and there a 40 or something lets go grab Harry hes the kind of pussy that’s going to do the washing up when I tell him. I feel like millhouse from the Simpson’s.
On another note I had to tell someone that there eyes are screwed. I didn’t say that I just looked at the forms and she burst into tear and said “why wont anyone tell me what s wrong, all this treatment is useless” I sat in my chair afraid to look up. It was the most uncoftable few minutes of my life. Well I’m going to make whoever has got me a safe bet, stand in, reserve husband have a really uncomfortable few minuets on the honeymoon
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
well since reading i have been taking it easy, wongo seemed shocked but mock drunk i screamed at him telling him it was for the sake of our friendship and that it was tearing us apart and i wanted us to be like it was playing for hours in his room. wongo looked angry and loots of people looked at him. wongo is so homophobic that just the slight mention that he has ever done anything like have a hug sends him into a crazed rage. my favrot of these acasions are:
when chris put his pinis in wongos ear
when millwall grabed wongos crotch
when i point out to him that koppergorge is infact babycham (this hasnt happend yet im waiting for the right time)
the first to almost made me prolaps with laugher.
well 10 days and only 6 units or 6 days and 0 units witch ever way you want to look at it.
its been going with the normal pain, the phantom hangover, consontration problems, and the nighmares.
phantom hangovers are worse that real ones, not just because you feel resentful that you got it from not drink and the fact that you wouldnt have it if you had had some beer. its that its a draining hangover saps your will to get up. on a real hangover you can get up and "cowboy up" and get on with it. phantom ones you cant.
the nighmares are a whealing torment of insacuraty that inspire paranoia and take a morning to shrug off. eveyone keeps saying i look angry. the challange is going to be this weekend when we go to donnington to see the broom broom cars. we are camping. and every time i camp i drink so i can sleep and not notice how fucking cold it is or millwall hand coming over to my side of the tent to queer me up
on a plus ive lost 3-4 lbs
when chris put his pinis in wongos ear
when millwall grabed wongos crotch
when i point out to him that koppergorge is infact babycham (this hasnt happend yet im waiting for the right time)
the first to almost made me prolaps with laugher.
well 10 days and only 6 units or 6 days and 0 units witch ever way you want to look at it.
its been going with the normal pain, the phantom hangover, consontration problems, and the nighmares.
phantom hangovers are worse that real ones, not just because you feel resentful that you got it from not drink and the fact that you wouldnt have it if you had had some beer. its that its a draining hangover saps your will to get up. on a real hangover you can get up and "cowboy up" and get on with it. phantom ones you cant.
the nighmares are a whealing torment of insacuraty that inspire paranoia and take a morning to shrug off. eveyone keeps saying i look angry. the challange is going to be this weekend when we go to donnington to see the broom broom cars. we are camping. and every time i camp i drink so i can sleep and not notice how fucking cold it is or millwall hand coming over to my side of the tent to queer me up
on a plus ive lost 3-4 lbs
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Reading was ball ache
I had a deep sense of foreboding as soon as I heard that the orange car park was closed. They changed it to camping as some bits of fields where muddy. So I had to drive to a farm in the arse end of Oxfordshire just to get parked. The walk about a mile. Ferry across the themes, then set up tent etc. the other thing that made me want to punch a baby was the queue for the ferry. Mean fiddler or festival republic whatever they are called really didn’t organise it well at all. I’m sure there must be some reason why they couldn’t build a bridge. But I'm sure they could have bribed the rivers commission or whoever to do it. 2-hour queue for a 20 second ferry trip. Wankers. They build bridges over the motorway at download and the farnbro air show. And they must easily be tall enough for the biggest of themes boats to go under. Perhaps its something to do with twats jumping off it. Possibly the stupid risk assessment people. I would say “cursed litigation culture” but that would make me a hypocrite as I have sued two people in my time (so far). The festival was around 28 degrees and that is far too fucking hot for me. So I didn’t go anywhere on the Saturday just sat under my freebee umbrella-ella-ealla and drank. Only when I got home I realised I didn’t Evan bother going to the shops in green camp. I didn’t Evan go to the main entrance. I walked around the shops in the arena but in a way I treated it like a stroll round the shops at lunch, not really looking to buy anything, just something to do for a walk. A few people where amazed that I knew where certain camps where and where places where that I hadn’t been to this year. The festival has almost become like a town that hardly changes and you know where everything is. 8th festival in 9 years suppose that’s the way it’s going to be. One thing is there is far less stuff than when I first started going. There was the virgin tea tent, opal fruits tent, n64, bungee jump, vert ramp. there was lost of stuff to do and see, almost seems like a shell of what it once was. There was a fair there and the silent disco. But that just seems to me like stuff for kids. Silent disco is a bit of novelty and fairs I have never liked. I got my festival bad guts and had to stuff myself with Imodium (like normal) also got given a dog that I had to attactch to my belt I chundered on the camp fire after drinking listereen. All the ingredients where there but they didn’t add up to more than the sum of there parts. I know chizz is going to say “ohh its coz I want there stop being a fag, get a ticket” but it just was full of 16 year old emo-chavs. Getting drunk on white lightning well its not Evan that now is it its that pear cider. Witch is actually babyshame, the company rebranded it. so all you people drinking it your drinking babyshame with a different label on it, feeling big and macho now are you in spoons? It’s was also the first reading I have almost ever got in a fight. Some kid tried to push in. but he was pushing in totally the wrong way and he was pushing into a barrier, I pointed this out and he got infort of me and stopped walking. And there was about 200 people behind me and I just waked forwards into him. And he told me to stop pushing and started to walk backwards. As the crowed surged forwards and I touched him again he turned around and pushed me saying I should be ashamed pushing when I was 30. Luckily that’s a little way off. And I have never in the last 20 years been mistaken for being older than I am. The line-ups for kids, its full of kids, it’s not for the festival go’er anymore. The headliners that I suppose where for the festival go’ers had smaller crowds than the likes of fall out boy and shit like that. They evan clashed jimmy eat word and ash. Another year will be the 10th anniversary of my first reading, but it will put me about 10 years older than 80% of the people there. I’m going to need some convincing.
I had a deep sense of foreboding as soon as I heard that the orange car park was closed. They changed it to camping as some bits of fields where muddy. So I had to drive to a farm in the arse end of Oxfordshire just to get parked. The walk about a mile. Ferry across the themes, then set up tent etc. the other thing that made me want to punch a baby was the queue for the ferry. Mean fiddler or festival republic whatever they are called really didn’t organise it well at all. I’m sure there must be some reason why they couldn’t build a bridge. But I'm sure they could have bribed the rivers commission or whoever to do it. 2-hour queue for a 20 second ferry trip. Wankers. They build bridges over the motorway at download and the farnbro air show. And they must easily be tall enough for the biggest of themes boats to go under. Perhaps its something to do with twats jumping off it. Possibly the stupid risk assessment people. I would say “cursed litigation culture” but that would make me a hypocrite as I have sued two people in my time (so far). The festival was around 28 degrees and that is far too fucking hot for me. So I didn’t go anywhere on the Saturday just sat under my freebee umbrella-ella-ealla and drank. Only when I got home I realised I didn’t Evan bother going to the shops in green camp. I didn’t Evan go to the main entrance. I walked around the shops in the arena but in a way I treated it like a stroll round the shops at lunch, not really looking to buy anything, just something to do for a walk. A few people where amazed that I knew where certain camps where and where places where that I hadn’t been to this year. The festival has almost become like a town that hardly changes and you know where everything is. 8th festival in 9 years suppose that’s the way it’s going to be. One thing is there is far less stuff than when I first started going. There was the virgin tea tent, opal fruits tent, n64, bungee jump, vert ramp. there was lost of stuff to do and see, almost seems like a shell of what it once was. There was a fair there and the silent disco. But that just seems to me like stuff for kids. Silent disco is a bit of novelty and fairs I have never liked. I got my festival bad guts and had to stuff myself with Imodium (like normal) also got given a dog that I had to attactch to my belt I chundered on the camp fire after drinking listereen. All the ingredients where there but they didn’t add up to more than the sum of there parts. I know chizz is going to say “ohh its coz I want there stop being a fag, get a ticket” but it just was full of 16 year old emo-chavs. Getting drunk on white lightning well its not Evan that now is it its that pear cider. Witch is actually babyshame, the company rebranded it. so all you people drinking it your drinking babyshame with a different label on it, feeling big and macho now are you in spoons? It’s was also the first reading I have almost ever got in a fight. Some kid tried to push in. but he was pushing in totally the wrong way and he was pushing into a barrier, I pointed this out and he got infort of me and stopped walking. And there was about 200 people behind me and I just waked forwards into him. And he told me to stop pushing and started to walk backwards. As the crowed surged forwards and I touched him again he turned around and pushed me saying I should be ashamed pushing when I was 30. Luckily that’s a little way off. And I have never in the last 20 years been mistaken for being older than I am. The line-ups for kids, its full of kids, it’s not for the festival go’er anymore. The headliners that I suppose where for the festival go’ers had smaller crowds than the likes of fall out boy and shit like that. They evan clashed jimmy eat word and ash. Another year will be the 10th anniversary of my first reading, but it will put me about 10 years older than 80% of the people there. I’m going to need some convincing.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
One thing that happens from time to time is people come in my shop and try on glasses.
“Yeah no shit Harry”
But it’s different
You get people come in and start trying the glasses on the wall to see if the can see through them. Evan though they don’t have any lenses in or have dummy lenses. Then in a strange fashion they pick out a pair they can see better with. Every pair has no power in, and the swear they can see better with a pair but not that pair. And they always seem like they don’t believe me when I tell them that they are just display frames and they need an eye test to determine what lenses we need to make. Then they say so witch are the glasses that are made up for short sightedness. And they never seem to trust me when I tell them there prescription will be almost unique. It’s honestly in the billions. And the more complicated lenses get the higher that number is going to be. Id goes into but it’s boring and complicated so you’ll just have to take my word for it.
Well its reading time again. And it’s the traditional shopping for beer and toothpaste tonight, then off bright and early tomorrow to try to find a camping spot that isn’t 8 foot underwater.
Ill let you know how it goes
“Yeah no shit Harry”
But it’s different
You get people come in and start trying the glasses on the wall to see if the can see through them. Evan though they don’t have any lenses in or have dummy lenses. Then in a strange fashion they pick out a pair they can see better with. Every pair has no power in, and the swear they can see better with a pair but not that pair. And they always seem like they don’t believe me when I tell them that they are just display frames and they need an eye test to determine what lenses we need to make. Then they say so witch are the glasses that are made up for short sightedness. And they never seem to trust me when I tell them there prescription will be almost unique. It’s honestly in the billions. And the more complicated lenses get the higher that number is going to be. Id goes into but it’s boring and complicated so you’ll just have to take my word for it.
Well its reading time again. And it’s the traditional shopping for beer and toothpaste tonight, then off bright and early tomorrow to try to find a camping spot that isn’t 8 foot underwater.
Ill let you know how it goes
Monday, August 20, 2007
The gentle art of making enemies
Well it was busy day Saturday, there was no way I was going to cram it all in. The plan went. Work, then get the stuff I needed to buy in town. See Karen if I could, set up the bbq, run the bar. If it wrapped up in time id do say happy birthday to Katie.
Well I missed out the meeting Karen part and the bbq went extremely well. Problem is I should have gone home then. It drank about 2 bottles of wine. I was at the stage when that would have given me a bit of a hangover but it rude to pitch up to a party without a bottle.
Now I have this almost schizophrenic thing about me. Its like I get my body hijacked when I get drunk. For all intense and purposes lets call me Harry, and drunk me Conroy. Harry is socially awkward doesn’t sware unless in the company of others that except that. Conroy shouts and is not afraid to say anything to anyone. He perticly likes hugging wongo, for some reason wongo hates to be hugged so wont hug back. I’m sure if wongo hugged him it would all stop. At the party I remember pretty much going blind. Everyone talking about beating what and me up and dick I am. And an argument between be and Sarah, wich wongo extremely efficiently sorted out. kudos to him I could barely speek. A power my sister tells me I lost when I got home. She says she was contemplating calling an exorcist. The only reason she didn’t was she thought the devil wouldn’t posess a pissed up bloke with a drawn on comedy mostash and swastika on his for head. I don’t remember how I got this. I’ve also had a funny allergic reaction to the ink. By best guess to how I got this is probably Katie did it. I know how she loves to draw on people, also it’s a curly tash and I know she finds them funny. Other details of the party are gone. The only clues are on my phone, 3 pics of me with my tash. A pick of the girl wongo’s in love with with kitchen utensils in her top. And Katie j with tigger cloths on. My hands have all these nail marks in so it looks like I was fighting a girl. No idea who, how or why. Mother tells me that I said I don’t know where my brother has got to as I fell in the door. My brother wasn’t Evan at the party. And apparently I was sick like in the exorcist.
That drunk causes you to loose days, the day it happened on theres no chance of knowing what happened. Then the next few days your body is healing. Sunday was spent laying in the foetal position shaking and sweating passing in and out of concness. But it takes days for you body to sort out the amount of alcohol in your system. The hangover has the headache of crippling proportions. Then day 2 comes the chest and stomach pains. It feels like a stitch on the left side jus under you ribs. This stabs and twists. Parasetomol has little or no effect.
It at times like this that people utter the immortal words “I' never drinking again” on not going to say that because its reading next week and I have a beer can chariot to build. But after that. I think its time to not let Conroy out for a while and let people meat Harry. Because I have come to realise some people have never met him. If you look and Katies and wongos myspace. 95% of the people on it I have never met sober. I don’t think its possible for them to change what they think of me now, and why should they. Wong has obouly said stuff about me, but hes not said that he was a large contributing factor in the split up of me and toyah. I know I can’t blame him for that but he didn’t help. I started drinking like this after she left. It’s a nasty circle to get caught up in. so time for a break after reading, Conroy’s going away, and you never know I could loose some weight.
How much of a dick am I (the gentle art of making enemy’s part 2)
Seems on my way home I phones a friend and was unable to talk. Just let them listen to me vomit a lot
The said “ohh my good no this is impossible then hung up”
Man I’m suck a good friend
Well it was busy day Saturday, there was no way I was going to cram it all in. The plan went. Work, then get the stuff I needed to buy in town. See Karen if I could, set up the bbq, run the bar. If it wrapped up in time id do say happy birthday to Katie.
Well I missed out the meeting Karen part and the bbq went extremely well. Problem is I should have gone home then. It drank about 2 bottles of wine. I was at the stage when that would have given me a bit of a hangover but it rude to pitch up to a party without a bottle.
Now I have this almost schizophrenic thing about me. Its like I get my body hijacked when I get drunk. For all intense and purposes lets call me Harry, and drunk me Conroy. Harry is socially awkward doesn’t sware unless in the company of others that except that. Conroy shouts and is not afraid to say anything to anyone. He perticly likes hugging wongo, for some reason wongo hates to be hugged so wont hug back. I’m sure if wongo hugged him it would all stop. At the party I remember pretty much going blind. Everyone talking about beating what and me up and dick I am. And an argument between be and Sarah, wich wongo extremely efficiently sorted out. kudos to him I could barely speek. A power my sister tells me I lost when I got home. She says she was contemplating calling an exorcist. The only reason she didn’t was she thought the devil wouldn’t posess a pissed up bloke with a drawn on comedy mostash and swastika on his for head. I don’t remember how I got this. I’ve also had a funny allergic reaction to the ink. By best guess to how I got this is probably Katie did it. I know how she loves to draw on people, also it’s a curly tash and I know she finds them funny. Other details of the party are gone. The only clues are on my phone, 3 pics of me with my tash. A pick of the girl wongo’s in love with with kitchen utensils in her top. And Katie j with tigger cloths on. My hands have all these nail marks in so it looks like I was fighting a girl. No idea who, how or why. Mother tells me that I said I don’t know where my brother has got to as I fell in the door. My brother wasn’t Evan at the party. And apparently I was sick like in the exorcist.
That drunk causes you to loose days, the day it happened on theres no chance of knowing what happened. Then the next few days your body is healing. Sunday was spent laying in the foetal position shaking and sweating passing in and out of concness. But it takes days for you body to sort out the amount of alcohol in your system. The hangover has the headache of crippling proportions. Then day 2 comes the chest and stomach pains. It feels like a stitch on the left side jus under you ribs. This stabs and twists. Parasetomol has little or no effect.
It at times like this that people utter the immortal words “I' never drinking again” on not going to say that because its reading next week and I have a beer can chariot to build. But after that. I think its time to not let Conroy out for a while and let people meat Harry. Because I have come to realise some people have never met him. If you look and Katies and wongos myspace. 95% of the people on it I have never met sober. I don’t think its possible for them to change what they think of me now, and why should they. Wong has obouly said stuff about me, but hes not said that he was a large contributing factor in the split up of me and toyah. I know I can’t blame him for that but he didn’t help. I started drinking like this after she left. It’s a nasty circle to get caught up in. so time for a break after reading, Conroy’s going away, and you never know I could loose some weight.
How much of a dick am I (the gentle art of making enemy’s part 2)
Seems on my way home I phones a friend and was unable to talk. Just let them listen to me vomit a lot
The said “ohh my good no this is impossible then hung up”
Man I’m suck a good friend
Monday, August 06, 2007
Small victories
My diploma thing arrived at the weekend. The good news is that they have put it inline with other educational stuff and it’s now the equivalent of a bachelors with honours. So I was feeling a tad smug.
This weekend was one of many a competition. On Saturday a guy who’s a friend of a friend wanted to play me at golf. And he’s a proper golfer. Lesions handy cap played in competitions. And knows the rules. I have some second had clubs. No lesions. And I made up some extra rules. Like if you get a par you have to ride your club like a hobbyhorse in triumph. Stuff to make the game better. Ill be submitting them to the Ryder cup people soon. Anyway I was expecting a terrific mauling. I have always played to win. I’m not over competitive. I can loose and except it. but I have always played to win. With the exetpting of playing little kids at swingball. I play that to see how many times I can hit them in the head. And playing girlfriends. You have to play to draw. If you win they get in a stop and you never hear the end of it. If you loose the go beaten by a girl and you never hear the end of it. And some things its very hard to draw at. So you have to win and make it look like a fluke. Now I hadn’t played gold since last April. When it was last sunny. So it had been a long time and I knew I was going to be rusty. And I saw the “pro” looking at my strangely as I attempted my swing. I do everything wrong but some how it works. And to cut a long and boring gold story short we drew. I could have won if I hadn't have cocked up the last hole. But that always the way with me. So I was please I held my own against a guy who knew what he was doing.
The next day was karting. I did used to work for a go karting place. But that was when I was at school and collage. And I hadn’t been karting for about 3 years. The guy that organised it worked there and a bloke came with all his own gear and was telling everyone he had his own kart etc. so thi8s time it was too pro. I thought I was going to get hammered. But all I cared about was proving to mat that I can race. Coz I drive a little car he thinks I prefer the company of men. And that coz his cars bigger he’s a better driver and because he’s played F1 games on his computer. Put it this way. Mat shut up pretty quickly after the first 15 mins. When I was second over all. By less than half a second. The guy that worked there as infrount and the guy with his own kart was just behind. The second 15 mins I pulled of a couple of dirty overtakes and at 1 point almost killed mat. As I gave him nowhere to drive apart from into a guy that had crashed. Its was all over and I was still half a second behing and own kart guy was in 3rd. the guy I first said as well that he had given himself the best kart. But I didn’t embarrass my self like matt said I would then afterwards had to admit that I was a better (kart) driver than him. And the guy with his own kart looked shocked that I beat him.
So all in all I was quite pleased with myself
Driving to work a car on the other side of the m-way tyre exploded and it stared to spin out of control at the crash barrier exactly where I would be. Luckily the car stopped at the barrier I’m not shuer how much contact was made. But it did look like it shit a few people up
My diploma thing arrived at the weekend. The good news is that they have put it inline with other educational stuff and it’s now the equivalent of a bachelors with honours. So I was feeling a tad smug.
This weekend was one of many a competition. On Saturday a guy who’s a friend of a friend wanted to play me at golf. And he’s a proper golfer. Lesions handy cap played in competitions. And knows the rules. I have some second had clubs. No lesions. And I made up some extra rules. Like if you get a par you have to ride your club like a hobbyhorse in triumph. Stuff to make the game better. Ill be submitting them to the Ryder cup people soon. Anyway I was expecting a terrific mauling. I have always played to win. I’m not over competitive. I can loose and except it. but I have always played to win. With the exetpting of playing little kids at swingball. I play that to see how many times I can hit them in the head. And playing girlfriends. You have to play to draw. If you win they get in a stop and you never hear the end of it. If you loose the go beaten by a girl and you never hear the end of it. And some things its very hard to draw at. So you have to win and make it look like a fluke. Now I hadn’t played gold since last April. When it was last sunny. So it had been a long time and I knew I was going to be rusty. And I saw the “pro” looking at my strangely as I attempted my swing. I do everything wrong but some how it works. And to cut a long and boring gold story short we drew. I could have won if I hadn't have cocked up the last hole. But that always the way with me. So I was please I held my own against a guy who knew what he was doing.
The next day was karting. I did used to work for a go karting place. But that was when I was at school and collage. And I hadn’t been karting for about 3 years. The guy that organised it worked there and a bloke came with all his own gear and was telling everyone he had his own kart etc. so thi8s time it was too pro. I thought I was going to get hammered. But all I cared about was proving to mat that I can race. Coz I drive a little car he thinks I prefer the company of men. And that coz his cars bigger he’s a better driver and because he’s played F1 games on his computer. Put it this way. Mat shut up pretty quickly after the first 15 mins. When I was second over all. By less than half a second. The guy that worked there as infrount and the guy with his own kart was just behind. The second 15 mins I pulled of a couple of dirty overtakes and at 1 point almost killed mat. As I gave him nowhere to drive apart from into a guy that had crashed. Its was all over and I was still half a second behing and own kart guy was in 3rd. the guy I first said as well that he had given himself the best kart. But I didn’t embarrass my self like matt said I would then afterwards had to admit that I was a better (kart) driver than him. And the guy with his own kart looked shocked that I beat him.
So all in all I was quite pleased with myself
Driving to work a car on the other side of the m-way tyre exploded and it stared to spin out of control at the crash barrier exactly where I would be. Luckily the car stopped at the barrier I’m not shuer how much contact was made. But it did look like it shit a few people up
Thursday, August 02, 2007
blackpool tower
a guy who wrights a much better blog than me called huw was talking about a trip to the tower in portsmouth and it reminded me of my trip to backpool.
his blog... http://www.howshuw.blogspot.com/
my story
i was up the blackpool tower years ago. my gilfriend like torchering me coz im no to good with heights. they have the glass theing and she trotted of and walked on it and called me a wuss. i was standing therelooking and birds flying from the top. when i had only ever seen birds flying from the bottom. it was odd. i couldnt bring myself to walk on it. i stood therelooking waiting. my ex was taunting me. so all i could do was in for a penny in for a pound JUMP ON IT. two foon stomp slap bang in the middle like a kid to scared to get into the swimming pool. it made a much louder bang than i entended. and 1 lady and my ex bouth screamed. then my ex punched me in the face.thats what i got for trying to conqure my fear
a guy who wrights a much better blog than me called huw was talking about a trip to the tower in portsmouth and it reminded me of my trip to backpool.
his blog... http://www.howshuw.blogspot.com/
my story
i was up the blackpool tower years ago. my gilfriend like torchering me coz im no to good with heights. they have the glass theing and she trotted of and walked on it and called me a wuss. i was standing therelooking and birds flying from the top. when i had only ever seen birds flying from the bottom. it was odd. i couldnt bring myself to walk on it. i stood therelooking waiting. my ex was taunting me. so all i could do was in for a penny in for a pound JUMP ON IT. two foon stomp slap bang in the middle like a kid to scared to get into the swimming pool. it made a much louder bang than i entended. and 1 lady and my ex bouth screamed. then my ex punched me in the face.thats what i got for trying to conqure my fear
The telephone game
At work I have to call people to say there glasses are ready. And more and more I am being mistaken for a cold caller trying to sell something. Yes ok I am selling something but at that point I have already sold it I'm just telling them to come and get it coz its cluttering up my desk. I had people hang up. Say rude things. Moan about people like me. I really couldn’t give a toss. But its just means that if I don’t call people my desk gets cluttered and then people moan that I didn’t call them. The area I work in seems to have about 30 times the cold calling that I get at home. Years ago I came up with the phone game. Well I was young so I probably stole the idea or adapted it. But its basically prank calling but they phone you. There was a points system.
1 point for every min you keep them on the line
10 points if they hang up first
100 points if they swear
-10 for laughing inappropriately
There was others all generally about annoying them like if is was some one phoning selling carpet cleaning service you ask them about more and more bazaar stains that they get out. Then at the end switch it round saying that sound like you have a really good service there shame I have wooden floors throughout my house.
Stair lift people ask lifts of questions then tell them you live in a bungalow
Bonus for stuff like that.
I was telling my sister about the game, and she seemed up for it. The game was on. She picked to play a little girl.
“Hello is mrs.XXXX there”
“Hello”
“Hello is your mummy there”
“Hello I’m reachel”
“Is your dad there?”
“I’m on my own”
“ohh so you parents aint there”
“I’m 3”
“ummm… so I can’t talk to anybody about morgaes”
“Mummy and daddy have gone to the pub I’m on my own”
“Really???”
“I have some biskets to eat…. But dog got them…”
“umm your on your…”
“I ve got some matches”
“I think ill call back later when they are in”
“Don’t go I’m lonely”
“Ummmm…..”
“I like matches they are pretty”
“Really got to go bye”
Not a bad effort for her first try. She kept her kiddie voice on all the way threw and the guy on the phone was genuinely shocked when she said she had some matches.
Long live the phone game
At work I have to call people to say there glasses are ready. And more and more I am being mistaken for a cold caller trying to sell something. Yes ok I am selling something but at that point I have already sold it I'm just telling them to come and get it coz its cluttering up my desk. I had people hang up. Say rude things. Moan about people like me. I really couldn’t give a toss. But its just means that if I don’t call people my desk gets cluttered and then people moan that I didn’t call them. The area I work in seems to have about 30 times the cold calling that I get at home. Years ago I came up with the phone game. Well I was young so I probably stole the idea or adapted it. But its basically prank calling but they phone you. There was a points system.
1 point for every min you keep them on the line
10 points if they hang up first
100 points if they swear
-10 for laughing inappropriately
There was others all generally about annoying them like if is was some one phoning selling carpet cleaning service you ask them about more and more bazaar stains that they get out. Then at the end switch it round saying that sound like you have a really good service there shame I have wooden floors throughout my house.
Stair lift people ask lifts of questions then tell them you live in a bungalow
Bonus for stuff like that.
I was telling my sister about the game, and she seemed up for it. The game was on. She picked to play a little girl.
“Hello is mrs.XXXX there”
“Hello”
“Hello is your mummy there”
“Hello I’m reachel”
“Is your dad there?”
“I’m on my own”
“ohh so you parents aint there”
“I’m 3”
“ummm… so I can’t talk to anybody about morgaes”
“Mummy and daddy have gone to the pub I’m on my own”
“Really???”
“I have some biskets to eat…. But dog got them…”
“umm your on your…”
“I ve got some matches”
“I think ill call back later when they are in”
“Don’t go I’m lonely”
“Ummmm…..”
“I like matches they are pretty”
“Really got to go bye”
Not a bad effort for her first try. She kept her kiddie voice on all the way threw and the guy on the phone was genuinely shocked when she said she had some matches.
Long live the phone game
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Observations about age.
In my job I see people of all ages. The thing that shocked me the most if how life effects “age”. For example I have seen smokers that are 60 look about 80 and I have seen people that are 80 look not much older than 65. Also people’s personality is changed with age. You see some people at 60 talking about dieing and being miserable. And you see people approaching the ton totally at piece happy with the life they have lead even though they have lived threw harder times than probably anyone reading this.
A woman 96 came in and she was a little deaf and her vision as not great but it was certainly nothing bad. And she couldn’t walk very far with out needing a rest. But she was chatty and happy. And in pretty good shape considering she is 3 and a half year away from a note from the queen. I picked out some glasses for her and she said she wanted something pretty because she likes to look nice she said tongue in cheek. Then she said are the good quality because they’ll have to last her.
It’s that kind if dry wit that always makes me laugh
In my job I see people of all ages. The thing that shocked me the most if how life effects “age”. For example I have seen smokers that are 60 look about 80 and I have seen people that are 80 look not much older than 65. Also people’s personality is changed with age. You see some people at 60 talking about dieing and being miserable. And you see people approaching the ton totally at piece happy with the life they have lead even though they have lived threw harder times than probably anyone reading this.
A woman 96 came in and she was a little deaf and her vision as not great but it was certainly nothing bad. And she couldn’t walk very far with out needing a rest. But she was chatty and happy. And in pretty good shape considering she is 3 and a half year away from a note from the queen. I picked out some glasses for her and she said she wanted something pretty because she likes to look nice she said tongue in cheek. Then she said are the good quality because they’ll have to last her.
It’s that kind if dry wit that always makes me laugh
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
The customer is……. A fucking idiot
Now I don’t mind sorting out problems that I caused. But it when I have to sort something out that I was nothing to do with and take the flack for that I get a little peeved.
Farnborough is an odd place. Is only a few miles from Aldershot and the people here all think they are better than people in Aldershot, and that there towns nicer. Etc etc. problem is there town is a demolition site. And as their sign proudly exclaims “Farnborough…….managing the change” I sniggered the first time I saw that. And now I know it true. Farnborough town centre is being given plastic surgery to this menopausal town centre. It was made in the 60’s and looks it. The people of the town have an air of grumpy menopausal change about the too.
For some reason lots of people all come in my shop at the same time. I hate this. Because I rush things and I cant give all my attention to people. Two elderly couples. A middle aged woman and a bloke in his 20’s the first have come in to get some glasses. There where in the door first so that who I deal with. I spend around 15 mins discussing and talking it threw and measuring them up. Job done. But the woman, who seems to control the purse strings keeps asking questions and I can she the second couple getting more and more annoyed. I finally get some money of the first lady, orders written glasses ready in a week.
I apologise to the second couple and invite them to sit at my desk.
“Are my husbands glasses ready?” she snaps
“I’m not sure,,,, name please?”
She gives the bloke first name (not his surname fuck silly old croan). “They have been 2 months,” she says with a strange rage
userly they are ready and its that people don know how to use answer phones. But in this case they where not. I transpired that the frame the order is out of stock. And have been for 2 months. And wont be ready for another 3 weeks. I only found this out when I rang the manufacturer. Now bearing in mind I didn’t take this order and have never met this woman. She starts screaming at me saying I have deceived her and that I have known for 2 months that there was a problem. I apologised and said we only expected it to be out of stock for 2 weeks. And as it is a copy of the glasses you husband is already whereing they are not as urgent as if he didn’t have any. Yes it is our fault for not noticing that it was still out of stock. “Why has it taken you so long to contact us?” I saw when she pauses from screaming at me. The bloke in his 20’s stops sniggering as he thinks I said something that will make her blow. “I forgot we ordered them” the bloke in his 20’s starts laughing but badly descising it as a cough. I invite them to pick a different frame. And re measure etc. then the woman starts going off at about how much his glasses slip down. I point out the ordering an exact copy probably change much. And she picks out and Evan bigger and heavier frame. And his lenses are thick. The centre thickness is 1cm and they refuse to pay for specially thinned lenses. So in short they are going to be worse I explain this. And all she says is she extremely unhappy with my service and that they are not going to be back. But goes ahead and orders them. The thing is it takes about 2 weeks for his lenses to be made I tell her this and she stops out. The bloke is giggling like a school child.
The other thing that has made me want to kick a puppy is. The bloke who was covering this shop has ordered lots of stuff with out parking it with references and use the wrong shops account number. So the shop I work it userly has got lots of mystery stock arriving. Witch means I'm going to be seeing lots more grumpy old women.
Now I don’t mind sorting out problems that I caused. But it when I have to sort something out that I was nothing to do with and take the flack for that I get a little peeved.
Farnborough is an odd place. Is only a few miles from Aldershot and the people here all think they are better than people in Aldershot, and that there towns nicer. Etc etc. problem is there town is a demolition site. And as their sign proudly exclaims “Farnborough…….managing the change” I sniggered the first time I saw that. And now I know it true. Farnborough town centre is being given plastic surgery to this menopausal town centre. It was made in the 60’s and looks it. The people of the town have an air of grumpy menopausal change about the too.
For some reason lots of people all come in my shop at the same time. I hate this. Because I rush things and I cant give all my attention to people. Two elderly couples. A middle aged woman and a bloke in his 20’s the first have come in to get some glasses. There where in the door first so that who I deal with. I spend around 15 mins discussing and talking it threw and measuring them up. Job done. But the woman, who seems to control the purse strings keeps asking questions and I can she the second couple getting more and more annoyed. I finally get some money of the first lady, orders written glasses ready in a week.
I apologise to the second couple and invite them to sit at my desk.
“Are my husbands glasses ready?” she snaps
“I’m not sure,,,, name please?”
She gives the bloke first name (not his surname fuck silly old croan). “They have been 2 months,” she says with a strange rage
userly they are ready and its that people don know how to use answer phones. But in this case they where not. I transpired that the frame the order is out of stock. And have been for 2 months. And wont be ready for another 3 weeks. I only found this out when I rang the manufacturer. Now bearing in mind I didn’t take this order and have never met this woman. She starts screaming at me saying I have deceived her and that I have known for 2 months that there was a problem. I apologised and said we only expected it to be out of stock for 2 weeks. And as it is a copy of the glasses you husband is already whereing they are not as urgent as if he didn’t have any. Yes it is our fault for not noticing that it was still out of stock. “Why has it taken you so long to contact us?” I saw when she pauses from screaming at me. The bloke in his 20’s stops sniggering as he thinks I said something that will make her blow. “I forgot we ordered them” the bloke in his 20’s starts laughing but badly descising it as a cough. I invite them to pick a different frame. And re measure etc. then the woman starts going off at about how much his glasses slip down. I point out the ordering an exact copy probably change much. And she picks out and Evan bigger and heavier frame. And his lenses are thick. The centre thickness is 1cm and they refuse to pay for specially thinned lenses. So in short they are going to be worse I explain this. And all she says is she extremely unhappy with my service and that they are not going to be back. But goes ahead and orders them. The thing is it takes about 2 weeks for his lenses to be made I tell her this and she stops out. The bloke is giggling like a school child.
The other thing that has made me want to kick a puppy is. The bloke who was covering this shop has ordered lots of stuff with out parking it with references and use the wrong shops account number. So the shop I work it userly has got lots of mystery stock arriving. Witch means I'm going to be seeing lots more grumpy old women.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Theres a ghost in here
I’ve stopped being soppy and im back to being angry. Fucking wiered male bio-rythums. I got home yesterday to find the window on my house wide and I mean wide open. So fucing wide they phisicly couldent be more wide open. And Stephen Hawkins could fucking clime threw them. So it was with a anger and slight supprise my ps3 and 360 where still where I left them. I sister recons she closed them before she went out. she is eather lieing and a stupid cow or there is a ghost that likes to open windows and pretend to be my sister (see other ghost story). But anyway im back to being angry and I want something to annoy me.
I’ve stopped being soppy and im back to being angry. Fucking wiered male bio-rythums. I got home yesterday to find the window on my house wide and I mean wide open. So fucing wide they phisicly couldent be more wide open. And Stephen Hawkins could fucking clime threw them. So it was with a anger and slight supprise my ps3 and 360 where still where I left them. I sister recons she closed them before she went out. she is eather lieing and a stupid cow or there is a ghost that likes to open windows and pretend to be my sister (see other ghost story). But anyway im back to being angry and I want something to annoy me.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Face book
An old school friend is popping up old pics of my time at harrow way. And they always make me smile. They kind of remind me that school wasn’t as miserable as I remember. Then a picture was posted that stirred a long forgotten memory. I was a picture of the first girl I ever had a “crush on”. I haven’t seen her in possibly 8 years or more and I have pretty much no idea what’s become of her. In the exceedingly unlikely event of her reading this I will not name her and try to keep it as vague as possible as not to cause any embarrassment. But in feeling of butterflies in my tummy came back when I saw a pic of her. It was the same feeling as I used to get when I saw her at school. I find it really strange that an over 10 year old photo can bring back an emotions I haven’t felt in 10 years. At school I remember being high voiced, mal coordinated, nervous and skinny. All that’s changed is ive put on 5 stone. I was pretty much unable to talk to her. One thing though is that she has shaped my life in a major way and probably doesn’t know it. At school I was not found to be dyslexic they only tested me properly at collage. So I was forced into all the bottom groups. Coz most teachers wrote me off as thick. Others knew I had ability but was unable to show it. I hated the bottom gropes, Mostly because m friend where all in the top groups. And there was a bit of debate between teachers witch groups I should be in. I could have been in top science, and top middle maths. But I needed extra help with English in a big way, and as for French. I would have been better dropping it for extra English. I have always been a person to do the minimum of effort for tasks. So confined to the lower groups I didn’t put up to much of a fight. I could see my mates at break. The way the timetable worked out was that I could be in one of a few classes. If you where bottom set. The highest you could be in was middle. And if you where in top set the lowest you could be in was middle. And I had managed to get in the highest gropes I could in science and maths. Meaning I could take the papers at GSCE and the max I could get would be a B. but then came a point when the English teachers where trying to put me in the lowest group. I was in bottom French and other thinks so it didn’t bother me. I wasn’t going to get higher than a C. but they wanted me to do the lower paper where the highest I could get was a D. I knew I was probably going to get a D. the thing was if I was put in this lower group I would no longer be in the same class as the girl I liked. I swapped two hours a week witch was my woodwork class to do more English. I loved word work but if I dint do more English and showed that I could possibly get a C they would drop me down. I started having to try rely hard and just thinking about it now I get the same headache as when I was trying and being really frustrated trying to write what I meant just to keep may marks up and show promise just so I could be in the same class as the girl I liked. This effort in a way taught me to work for things I wanted. Evan if it was just a silly thing. In the end I only got a D. but I was told I was a high D and if I re-took at collage I could get to a C. and I did. When I got to collage I knew that I wanted a C so I got one. I needed that C to get on to every course I have ever done and wouldn’t be an optician now. If I had been put in the bottom group I wouldn’t have learnt to try for something. I defiantly wouldn’t be the person I am. She’ll probably never know how she affected my life and I hope she never does, but today I felt like righting about it
An old school friend is popping up old pics of my time at harrow way. And they always make me smile. They kind of remind me that school wasn’t as miserable as I remember. Then a picture was posted that stirred a long forgotten memory. I was a picture of the first girl I ever had a “crush on”. I haven’t seen her in possibly 8 years or more and I have pretty much no idea what’s become of her. In the exceedingly unlikely event of her reading this I will not name her and try to keep it as vague as possible as not to cause any embarrassment. But in feeling of butterflies in my tummy came back when I saw a pic of her. It was the same feeling as I used to get when I saw her at school. I find it really strange that an over 10 year old photo can bring back an emotions I haven’t felt in 10 years. At school I remember being high voiced, mal coordinated, nervous and skinny. All that’s changed is ive put on 5 stone. I was pretty much unable to talk to her. One thing though is that she has shaped my life in a major way and probably doesn’t know it. At school I was not found to be dyslexic they only tested me properly at collage. So I was forced into all the bottom groups. Coz most teachers wrote me off as thick. Others knew I had ability but was unable to show it. I hated the bottom gropes, Mostly because m friend where all in the top groups. And there was a bit of debate between teachers witch groups I should be in. I could have been in top science, and top middle maths. But I needed extra help with English in a big way, and as for French. I would have been better dropping it for extra English. I have always been a person to do the minimum of effort for tasks. So confined to the lower groups I didn’t put up to much of a fight. I could see my mates at break. The way the timetable worked out was that I could be in one of a few classes. If you where bottom set. The highest you could be in was middle. And if you where in top set the lowest you could be in was middle. And I had managed to get in the highest gropes I could in science and maths. Meaning I could take the papers at GSCE and the max I could get would be a B. but then came a point when the English teachers where trying to put me in the lowest group. I was in bottom French and other thinks so it didn’t bother me. I wasn’t going to get higher than a C. but they wanted me to do the lower paper where the highest I could get was a D. I knew I was probably going to get a D. the thing was if I was put in this lower group I would no longer be in the same class as the girl I liked. I swapped two hours a week witch was my woodwork class to do more English. I loved word work but if I dint do more English and showed that I could possibly get a C they would drop me down. I started having to try rely hard and just thinking about it now I get the same headache as when I was trying and being really frustrated trying to write what I meant just to keep may marks up and show promise just so I could be in the same class as the girl I liked. This effort in a way taught me to work for things I wanted. Evan if it was just a silly thing. In the end I only got a D. but I was told I was a high D and if I re-took at collage I could get to a C. and I did. When I got to collage I knew that I wanted a C so I got one. I needed that C to get on to every course I have ever done and wouldn’t be an optician now. If I had been put in the bottom group I wouldn’t have learnt to try for something. I defiantly wouldn’t be the person I am. She’ll probably never know how she affected my life and I hope she never does, but today I felt like righting about it
Monday, July 23, 2007
A bit of advice
Don’t ever on the 21/7/07 walk into a pub and shout “I can believe Ron and Hermione get killed”
Well in the last book they probably get it on. And I know they don’t die. But I dint know that at the time and neather did anyone else. I honestly felt more peril than the time I was in mo’money at the core.
Don’t ever on the 21/7/07 walk into a pub and shout “I can believe Ron and Hermione get killed”
Well in the last book they probably get it on. And I know they don’t die. But I dint know that at the time and neather did anyone else. I honestly felt more peril than the time I was in mo’money at the core.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Strange weather is afoot
For one of the first times ever I was woken up by something other than my alarm, someone trying to write on me with a permanent marker, or toyah pinching or elbowing me in the face. For people information. The first on the list wakes me every day and I curse it to the depths of hell for doing so, I don’t always wake up when people write on me. Id say it was 50 – 50, and toyah is now elbowing someone called john.
Ok ok yeah I sometimes wake up drunk needing a wee.
I was woken by a thunderclap. It was loud. It was like when something in the real world happens and it projected into your dream. Happened once when toyah was pinching me and giggling. I dreamt that the crap from the little mermaid (Sebastian) was singing under the sea and getting me mercilessly with his claws. But this boom from the thunder was car blowing up. I looked out side and the garden was on the verge of flooding. So I did what I always do. Go back to sleep. When I woke up the garden was still no more flooded. I had got away with it. I was the first shop in my street to open. Witch to be fair to say is a rarity. Every other shop was late opening coz of the storm. Finding it morbidly amusing I noted that the undertakers had flooded. The undertakers is also a co-op.
The rain passed and I went to lunch where I noted a new shop had opened “SLOTS OF FUN”. I smirked a bit to loud and people looked at me.
You get to and age im sure when is ok to sing in public Evan if its not your job, your not at karaoke, and your not pissed. Middle-aged men do it all the time. And it pisses me off. I go out the back to repair their glasses. And then they start singing and whistleing and humming in my shop……..
Today was the turn of a huge hairy bloke with long hair on his shoulders. He looked like he was used as the brush for gleaning a gigantic chip fryer. He was whistling……. The fucking MacDonald’s “I’m loving it” jingle over and over again. What a prick
For one of the first times ever I was woken up by something other than my alarm, someone trying to write on me with a permanent marker, or toyah pinching or elbowing me in the face. For people information. The first on the list wakes me every day and I curse it to the depths of hell for doing so, I don’t always wake up when people write on me. Id say it was 50 – 50, and toyah is now elbowing someone called john.
Ok ok yeah I sometimes wake up drunk needing a wee.
I was woken by a thunderclap. It was loud. It was like when something in the real world happens and it projected into your dream. Happened once when toyah was pinching me and giggling. I dreamt that the crap from the little mermaid (Sebastian) was singing under the sea and getting me mercilessly with his claws. But this boom from the thunder was car blowing up. I looked out side and the garden was on the verge of flooding. So I did what I always do. Go back to sleep. When I woke up the garden was still no more flooded. I had got away with it. I was the first shop in my street to open. Witch to be fair to say is a rarity. Every other shop was late opening coz of the storm. Finding it morbidly amusing I noted that the undertakers had flooded. The undertakers is also a co-op.
The rain passed and I went to lunch where I noted a new shop had opened “SLOTS OF FUN”. I smirked a bit to loud and people looked at me.
You get to and age im sure when is ok to sing in public Evan if its not your job, your not at karaoke, and your not pissed. Middle-aged men do it all the time. And it pisses me off. I go out the back to repair their glasses. And then they start singing and whistleing and humming in my shop……..
Today was the turn of a huge hairy bloke with long hair on his shoulders. He looked like he was used as the brush for gleaning a gigantic chip fryer. He was whistling……. The fucking MacDonald’s “I’m loving it” jingle over and over again. What a prick
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
my masterpeice will never be compleated
id foolishly tryed to make CNPS more hard core. but now months have past without me being able to photo a 23.
dont play kids it'll only ruin your life....... train spotters laugh at you
http://us.share.geocities.com/conroybumpas/cnps.gif (if the above isnt working)
id foolishly tryed to make CNPS more hard core. but now months have past without me being able to photo a 23.
dont play kids it'll only ruin your life....... train spotters laugh at you
Well when you drive as much as me its bound to happen one day.
The is always at least one a year a story in the paper or a clip on “world most dangerous police videos” about some halfwit doing 70mph the wrong way down the motorway. Well it was my turn. No not being the halfwit. Being the poor sod they drive at. Its actually happened to me twice before. One was my first ever driving lesion. A lorry drove at me the wrong way down a 1 way street. The second was someone on the wrong side of the road approaching a round about. Both of those where at about 30mph. So there was time for me to me/my driving instructor to make helpful comments at the other driver. But at 70mph it’s a completely different game.
Two cars travailing at each other at 70 mph 500 yards apart. For some reason doesn’t take very long. I was doing my user wall blitz down the fast lane overtaking a line of slower cars when I spotted the purple fiesta. At this point I realised. That cars coming towards you normal on the other side of the road seem to take longer to get to you than when they are in the same lane. And the other important thing…… id have to do something about this car coming towards me. At these kinds of times I go on auto pilot, same as when my tyre exploded at 90 on the M4. This Muppet coming at me had nowhere to go except strait at me. Or turn into the other lane, a lane witch still had cars coming at him. Unfortunately these cars where on my left. And I had to get infrount of them before I could move out of the way. So this bloke had about 3 options.
1.drive into me
2.drive into the front of a line of cars on my left
3. Hope his car would become chitty chitty bang bang
luckily the tosser did what I expected and carried on driving at me. Coz the day the remake chitty chitty bang bang with a fiesta. Is the day I go postal. He obosly I imagine tried to slow down. And I with a little bit of cutting up made it infrount and to the safety of a lane without a car driving at me in. at this point I thought shit was there a guy behind me in my lane. Lucky if there is someone he is a lot further back. And I say the purple fiesta come to a stop on half on the grass verge. I carried on my way home. Just thinking not what could of happened. But what was going threw the mind of the person in that car. What the hell where they thinking. And luckily I made the right choice for my own well being.
Lets just hope the prat doesn’t do it again.
Any of you maths boffs want to work out how long the whole encounter lasted post it up in comments. In my way I know it lasted only a matter of seconds. But it felt super quick. Where as the crashes I have had. Have felt almost in slow mo.
The is always at least one a year a story in the paper or a clip on “world most dangerous police videos” about some halfwit doing 70mph the wrong way down the motorway. Well it was my turn. No not being the halfwit. Being the poor sod they drive at. Its actually happened to me twice before. One was my first ever driving lesion. A lorry drove at me the wrong way down a 1 way street. The second was someone on the wrong side of the road approaching a round about. Both of those where at about 30mph. So there was time for me to me/my driving instructor to make helpful comments at the other driver. But at 70mph it’s a completely different game.
Two cars travailing at each other at 70 mph 500 yards apart. For some reason doesn’t take very long. I was doing my user wall blitz down the fast lane overtaking a line of slower cars when I spotted the purple fiesta. At this point I realised. That cars coming towards you normal on the other side of the road seem to take longer to get to you than when they are in the same lane. And the other important thing…… id have to do something about this car coming towards me. At these kinds of times I go on auto pilot, same as when my tyre exploded at 90 on the M4. This Muppet coming at me had nowhere to go except strait at me. Or turn into the other lane, a lane witch still had cars coming at him. Unfortunately these cars where on my left. And I had to get infrount of them before I could move out of the way. So this bloke had about 3 options.
1.drive into me
2.drive into the front of a line of cars on my left
3. Hope his car would become chitty chitty bang bang
luckily the tosser did what I expected and carried on driving at me. Coz the day the remake chitty chitty bang bang with a fiesta. Is the day I go postal. He obosly I imagine tried to slow down. And I with a little bit of cutting up made it infrount and to the safety of a lane without a car driving at me in. at this point I thought shit was there a guy behind me in my lane. Lucky if there is someone he is a lot further back. And I say the purple fiesta come to a stop on half on the grass verge. I carried on my way home. Just thinking not what could of happened. But what was going threw the mind of the person in that car. What the hell where they thinking. And luckily I made the right choice for my own well being.
Lets just hope the prat doesn’t do it again.
Any of you maths boffs want to work out how long the whole encounter lasted post it up in comments. In my way I know it lasted only a matter of seconds. But it felt super quick. Where as the crashes I have had. Have felt almost in slow mo.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Mind playing tricks
Most of the family have gone on holls. Leaving me and my eldest sister to guard the fort. Userly its just me and I tern the front room into a network of computers and wires and there is so much electricity used it not safe to have a drink in that room for fear of a painful zappy death. But my sis is there so not a lot is going to change. And if I play my cards right I can con her into doing the ironing.
So she says she’s off out with her boyfriend and wont be back till the morning. Cool beans I can play my xbox and listen to toms improvised trombone solos (don’t ask). I went to bed about 12:30 (see home alone I stay up late, I’m naughty) I get in to my pit. Then I hear footsteps on the stairs and landing and whispers. The sister must have decided to come home with her bloke. That’s nice of her trying to be quiet. I roll over and berry my head in the covers for fear they may be proforming the horizontal hokey-koky.
I wake up and curse my alarm clock, like I do everyday. Best way to start the day. Then prefome my ablutions. Ready for work I’m in the kitchen having my breakfast of lemonade mixed with blackcurrant juice. When my sis walks in. through the back door. Not from upstairs.
“umm….. I though you where up stairs”
“I told you I was staying out”
“yeah… but I thought you came back”
“No this is me coming back”
“But I herd …..”
“What?”
“ummm…”
We both look at each other very puzzled. The TV xbox and compy are still there. So I’m happy.
I wish her fun in the house on her own for the next 3 days whilst I'm back in Andover.
Most of the family have gone on holls. Leaving me and my eldest sister to guard the fort. Userly its just me and I tern the front room into a network of computers and wires and there is so much electricity used it not safe to have a drink in that room for fear of a painful zappy death. But my sis is there so not a lot is going to change. And if I play my cards right I can con her into doing the ironing.
So she says she’s off out with her boyfriend and wont be back till the morning. Cool beans I can play my xbox and listen to toms improvised trombone solos (don’t ask). I went to bed about 12:30 (see home alone I stay up late, I’m naughty) I get in to my pit. Then I hear footsteps on the stairs and landing and whispers. The sister must have decided to come home with her bloke. That’s nice of her trying to be quiet. I roll over and berry my head in the covers for fear they may be proforming the horizontal hokey-koky.
I wake up and curse my alarm clock, like I do everyday. Best way to start the day. Then prefome my ablutions. Ready for work I’m in the kitchen having my breakfast of lemonade mixed with blackcurrant juice. When my sis walks in. through the back door. Not from upstairs.
“umm….. I though you where up stairs”
“I told you I was staying out”
“yeah… but I thought you came back”
“No this is me coming back”
“But I herd …..”
“What?”
“ummm…”
We both look at each other very puzzled. The TV xbox and compy are still there. So I’m happy.
I wish her fun in the house on her own for the next 3 days whilst I'm back in Andover.
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