Phone rings “Aldershot eyecare” “hi can I have the number for your Farnborough shop” “yeah its…” “Wait I haven’t got a pen!(he snaps as if I was being dumb and could see that he didn’t have a pen)” “Ok” “ill go get one….. (2 mins later)….. nope I cant find one” “um well do you recon you can rem….” “Hang on there might be one up staires….(goes off again for a full 5 mins im just about to hang up) found one it doesn’t work very well but think I can use it” “right (I have to repeat the number menny times some times due to his stupidity and some due to the aforementioned reliability issues of the pen)” “bye”  30 seconds later the phone rings “Aldershot eyecare” “that the Farnborough shop” “no this is Aldershot” “well I just got given this number and told its Farnborough” “it was me that you where speaking to, remember you called me and didn’t have a pen ready” “you gave me this number” “no I didn’t. you called me and I gave you Farnborough’s number and you wrote it down” “that’s what I dialled” “you cant have…. I sagest you try calling it again”

A new pet hate has reached the status as to make the official list of things punishable my gun shot to the knee, when I come to power.

Its people that don’t put their items in the bag when they are using the self-service tills. Now I regard the tills as having an unofficial 1 basket only rule. If you have a trolley packed up to the sky you should be going to a proper till. But they don’t. They go to the self-service tills. The bags there are hung up in just such a way as you scan and item and then put it IN THE BAG IN THE BAGGING AREA! But no they don’t the just drop it on the area. Totally ignoring the bags there. Then at the end they think well im not paying till I have bagged all this value horse gristle slop up. Then as soon as they pick anything up “ITEM REMOVED FROM BAGGING AREA!” and totally cock up the system. Take about 10 mins for staff to turn up and sort it. Then they spend ages picking everything up and putting it bags that the could have done as they fucking scanned it. then they moan at the staff about the self service tills. KNEE-CAPPINGS when I get to power

“Im not happy with my glasses” “ohh dear, what’s the problem” “look” (rummages around in his pockets he doesn’t have them with him) “umm not a lot I can check if you haven’t got them… let me just look at your order…… umm its from 2010” “my sight is better without the glasses than with” “umm well you eyes may have changed since then” “I think the test was wrong” “well it was 3 years ago, and it was no change from the test that was before that and that was 3 years before that” “my eyes not right the test was wrong” “also looking closer here we have never made you any glasses this order is for a replacement part for your glasses” “im not happy the test wasn’t right” “well it was 3 years ago, you don’t have the glasses with you, we didn’t make them, they where made before that test by someone else not to our prescription. Infact all we have done is tested you twice in the last 6 years and fitted a new side to you glasses that are older than that, infact if it is even the same pair” “well im not happy with the test or my eye” “your eye?” “Yeah it doesn’t sound right” “your eye doesn’t sound right?” “yeah” “I think you should maybe go to the doctor” “im still not happy” he leaves

This is my guess is to how it went down.

“So what’s the new strategy for coke?” “well sir we have packed up the polar bears for another year and its almost spring, so people at the beach” “you fool half the uk is underwater and the other half its snowing * slap *” “sexy lady” “no is sexist” “um drinks with benefits are in” “what?” “well drinks with extras, you know energy, added vitamins, improves concentration. Like sports drinks” “yeah they love that bull shit” “brain and nerve tonic thing again?” “no that’s to 1887… need something new” “so should we add vitamins to coke” “fuck no, you retard, you know what happens when we say we have changed the recipe” “so how can we say some over sugary carbonated water is a benefit” “hang on, those tubby fucks that drink this piss are moaning it makes them fat. So that means they are not working off the calories. So get this right, make out that drinking it gives them the extra callers to do stuff. That way if they get fat we can say its clearly marked and advertised to give you calories to do stuff and if you don’t work them off it your fault” “sir that’s is the most evil thing I have ever herd” “drink with benefits there own fault that the get fat….. We’ll tackle the dental matter in a few months after we have sponsored the pope”

As I walked into the newsagent to collect my provisions the old bint was loudly swearing and moaning. I ignored this until I got to the till with my purchases. I discovered that she was wrestling with a pair of scissors (her special scissors) that someone else who works there had glued closed for a prank. I tip my hit

Think my brain is going to explode, massive out of body experience. Put my shop postcode into google street view and im sat at my desk wearing the same shirt as I have on today looking at the computer like I am now.

Woman storms in looking grumpy and ignores me saying “hello” “I need some new things” “pardon?” “some new things right” she says screwing her face up and acting like im being a dick, and throws some old mans glasses on the counter. “ohh a new set of nose pads” “yeah” she says sarcastically “well I don’t have these exact ones but I have some silicone ones” “well as long as they are soft ones” “well the ones that are on there are actually the hard type.” I show her the soft ones so she can compare. “are they the same size?”(she actuly holding them both in her hand) “more or less, the closest ive got” “they better be or else ill be bringing them back and throwing them at you” “right well you have seen then, if you want them they are £3” “WHAT!!!!!! I have to pay!!!!!” “well yes.” (what? you where threatening to throw them at me complaining if they where free?)