Reading was ball ache

I had a deep sense of foreboding as soon as I heard that the orange car park was closed. They changed it to camping as some bits of fields where muddy. So I had to drive to a farm in the arse end of Oxfordshire just to get parked. The walk about a mile. Ferry across the themes, then set up tent etc. the other thing that made me want to punch a baby was the queue for the ferry. Mean fiddler or festival republic whatever they are called really didn’t organise it well at all. I’m sure there must be some reason why they couldn’t build a bridge. But I'm sure they could have bribed the rivers commission or whoever to do it. 2-hour queue for a 20 second ferry trip. Wankers. They build bridges over the motorway at download and the farnbro air show. And they must easily be tall enough for the biggest of themes boats to go under. Perhaps its something to do with twats jumping off it. Possibly the stupid risk assessment people. I would say “cursed litigation culture” but that would make me a hypocrite as I have sued two people in my time (so far). The festival was around 28 degrees and that is far too fucking hot for me. So I didn’t go anywhere on the Saturday just sat under my freebee umbrella-ella-ealla and drank. Only when I got home I realised I didn’t Evan bother going to the shops in green camp. I didn’t Evan go to the main entrance. I walked around the shops in the arena but in a way I treated it like a stroll round the shops at lunch, not really looking to buy anything, just something to do for a walk. A few people where amazed that I knew where certain camps where and where places where that I hadn’t been to this year. The festival has almost become like a town that hardly changes and you know where everything is. 8th festival in 9 years suppose that’s the way it’s going to be. One thing is there is far less stuff than when I first started going. There was the virgin tea tent, opal fruits tent, n64, bungee jump, vert ramp. there was lost of stuff to do and see, almost seems like a shell of what it once was. There was a fair there and the silent disco. But that just seems to me like stuff for kids. Silent disco is a bit of novelty and fairs I have never liked. I got my festival bad guts and had to stuff myself with Imodium (like normal) also got given a dog that I had to attactch to my belt I chundered on the camp fire after drinking listereen. All the ingredients where there but they didn’t add up to more than the sum of there parts. I know chizz is going to say “ohh its coz I want there stop being a fag, get a ticket” but it just was full of 16 year old emo-chavs. Getting drunk on white lightning well its not Evan that now is it its that pear cider. Witch is actually babyshame, the company rebranded it. so all you people drinking it your drinking babyshame with a different label on it, feeling big and macho now are you in spoons? It’s was also the first reading I have almost ever got in a fight. Some kid tried to push in. but he was pushing in totally the wrong way and he was pushing into a barrier, I pointed this out and he got infort of me and stopped walking. And there was about 200 people behind me and I just waked forwards into him. And he told me to stop pushing and started to walk backwards. As the crowed surged forwards and I touched him again he turned around and pushed me saying I should be ashamed pushing when I was 30. Luckily that’s a little way off. And I have never in the last 20 years been mistaken for being older than I am. The line-ups for kids, its full of kids, it’s not for the festival go’er anymore. The headliners that I suppose where for the festival go’ers had smaller crowds than the likes of fall out boy and shit like that. They evan clashed jimmy eat word and ash. Another year will be the 10th anniversary of my first reading, but it will put me about 10 years older than 80% of the people there. I’m going to need some convincing.

One thing that happens from time to time is people come in my shop and try on glasses.

“Yeah no shit Harry”

But it’s different

You get people come in and start trying the glasses on the wall to see if the can see through them. Evan though they don’t have any lenses in or have dummy lenses. Then in a strange fashion they pick out a pair they can see better with. Every pair has no power in, and the swear they can see better with a pair but not that pair. And they always seem like they don’t believe me when I tell them that they are just display frames and they need an eye test to determine what lenses we need to make. Then they say so witch are the glasses that are made up for short sightedness. And they never seem to trust me when I tell them there prescription will be almost unique. It’s honestly in the billions. And the more complicated lenses get the higher that number is going to be. Id goes into but it’s boring and complicated so you’ll just have to take my word for it.

Well its reading time again. And it’s the traditional shopping for beer and toothpaste tonight, then off bright and early tomorrow to try to find a camping spot that isn’t 8 foot underwater.


Ill let you know how it goes

The gentle art of making enemies


Well it was busy day Saturday, there was no way I was going to cram it all in. The plan went. Work, then get the stuff I needed to buy in town. See Karen if I could, set up the bbq, run the bar. If it wrapped up in time id do say happy birthday to Katie.

Well I missed out the meeting Karen part and the bbq went extremely well. Problem is I should have gone home then. It drank about 2 bottles of wine. I was at the stage when that would have given me a bit of a hangover but it rude to pitch up to a party without a bottle.

Now I have this almost schizophrenic thing about me. Its like I get my body hijacked when I get drunk. For all intense and purposes lets call me Harry, and drunk me Conroy. Harry is socially awkward doesn’t sware unless in the company of others that except that. Conroy shouts and is not afraid to say anything to anyone. He perticly likes hugging wongo, for some reason wongo hates to be hugged so wont hug back. I’m sure if wongo hugged him it would all stop. At the party I remember pretty much going blind. Everyone talking about beating what and me up and dick I am. And an argument between be and Sarah, wich wongo extremely efficiently sorted out. kudos to him I could barely speek. A power my sister tells me I lost when I got home. She says she was contemplating calling an exorcist. The only reason she didn’t was she thought the devil wouldn’t posess a pissed up bloke with a drawn on comedy mostash and swastika on his for head. I don’t remember how I got this. I’ve also had a funny allergic reaction to the ink. By best guess to how I got this is probably Katie did it. I know how she loves to draw on people, also it’s a curly tash and I know she finds them funny. Other details of the party are gone. The only clues are on my phone, 3 pics of me with my tash. A pick of the girl wongo’s in love with with kitchen utensils in her top. And Katie j with tigger cloths on. My hands have all these nail marks in so it looks like I was fighting a girl. No idea who, how or why. Mother tells me that I said I don’t know where my brother has got to as I fell in the door. My brother wasn’t Evan at the party. And apparently I was sick like in the exorcist.

That drunk causes you to loose days, the day it happened on theres no chance of knowing what happened. Then the next few days your body is healing. Sunday was spent laying in the foetal position shaking and sweating passing in and out of concness. But it takes days for you body to sort out the amount of alcohol in your system. The hangover has the headache of crippling proportions. Then day 2 comes the chest and stomach pains. It feels like a stitch on the left side jus under you ribs. This stabs and twists. Parasetomol has little or no effect.

It at times like this that people utter the immortal words “I' never drinking again” on not going to say that because its reading next week and I have a beer can chariot to build. But after that. I think its time to not let Conroy out for a while and let people meat Harry. Because I have come to realise some people have never met him. If you look and Katies and wongos myspace. 95% of the people on it I have never met sober. I don’t think its possible for them to change what they think of me now, and why should they. Wong has obouly said stuff about me, but hes not said that he was a large contributing factor in the split up of me and toyah. I know I can’t blame him for that but he didn’t help. I started drinking like this after she left. It’s a nasty circle to get caught up in. so time for a break after reading, Conroy’s going away, and you never know I could loose some weight.









How much of a dick am I (the gentle art of making enemy’s part 2)



Seems on my way home I phones a friend and was unable to talk. Just let them listen to me vomit a lot

The said “ohh my good no this is impossible then hung up”

Man I’m suck a good friend

Small victories

My diploma thing arrived at the weekend. The good news is that they have put it inline with other educational stuff and it’s now the equivalent of a bachelors with honours. So I was feeling a tad smug.

This weekend was one of many a competition. On Saturday a guy who’s a friend of a friend wanted to play me at golf. And he’s a proper golfer. Lesions handy cap played in competitions. And knows the rules. I have some second had clubs. No lesions. And I made up some extra rules. Like if you get a par you have to ride your club like a hobbyhorse in triumph. Stuff to make the game better. Ill be submitting them to the Ryder cup people soon. Anyway I was expecting a terrific mauling. I have always played to win. I’m not over competitive. I can loose and except it. but I have always played to win. With the exetpting of playing little kids at swingball. I play that to see how many times I can hit them in the head. And playing girlfriends. You have to play to draw. If you win they get in a stop and you never hear the end of it. If you loose the go beaten by a girl and you never hear the end of it. And some things its very hard to draw at. So you have to win and make it look like a fluke. Now I hadn’t played gold since last April. When it was last sunny. So it had been a long time and I knew I was going to be rusty. And I saw the “pro” looking at my strangely as I attempted my swing. I do everything wrong but some how it works. And to cut a long and boring gold story short we drew. I could have won if I hadn't have cocked up the last hole. But that always the way with me. So I was please I held my own against a guy who knew what he was doing.

The next day was karting. I did used to work for a go karting place. But that was when I was at school and collage. And I hadn’t been karting for about 3 years. The guy that organised it worked there and a bloke came with all his own gear and was telling everyone he had his own kart etc. so thi8s time it was too pro. I thought I was going to get hammered. But all I cared about was proving to mat that I can race. Coz I drive a little car he thinks I prefer the company of men. And that coz his cars bigger he’s a better driver and because he’s played F1 games on his computer. Put it this way. Mat shut up pretty quickly after the first 15 mins. When I was second over all. By less than half a second. The guy that worked there as infrount and the guy with his own kart was just behind. The second 15 mins I pulled of a couple of dirty overtakes and at 1 point almost killed mat. As I gave him nowhere to drive apart from into a guy that had crashed. Its was all over and I was still half a second behing and own kart guy was in 3rd. the guy I first said as well that he had given himself the best kart. But I didn’t embarrass my self like matt said I would then afterwards had to admit that I was a better (kart) driver than him. And the guy with his own kart looked shocked that I beat him.

So all in all I was quite pleased with myself
Driving to work a car on the other side of the m-way tyre exploded and it stared to spin out of control at the crash barrier exactly where I would be. Luckily the car stopped at the barrier I’m not shuer how much contact was made. But it did look like it shit a few people up

blackpool tower

a guy who wrights a much better blog than me called huw was talking about a trip to the tower in portsmouth and it reminded me of my trip to backpool.

his blog... http://www.howshuw.blogspot.com/

my story

i was up the blackpool tower years ago. my gilfriend like torchering me coz im no to good with heights. they have the glass theing and she trotted of and walked on it and called me a wuss. i was standing therelooking and birds flying from the top. when i had only ever seen birds flying from the bottom. it was odd. i couldnt bring myself to walk on it. i stood therelooking waiting. my ex was taunting me. so all i could do was in for a penny in for a pound JUMP ON IT. two foon stomp slap bang in the middle like a kid to scared to get into the swimming pool. it made a much louder bang than i entended. and 1 lady and my ex bouth screamed. then my ex punched me in the face.thats what i got for trying to conqure my fear

The telephone game


At work I have to call people to say there glasses are ready. And more and more I am being mistaken for a cold caller trying to sell something. Yes ok I am selling something but at that point I have already sold it I'm just telling them to come and get it coz its cluttering up my desk. I had people hang up. Say rude things. Moan about people like me. I really couldn’t give a toss. But its just means that if I don’t call people my desk gets cluttered and then people moan that I didn’t call them. The area I work in seems to have about 30 times the cold calling that I get at home. Years ago I came up with the phone game. Well I was young so I probably stole the idea or adapted it. But its basically prank calling but they phone you. There was a points system.

1 point for every min you keep them on the line
10 points if they hang up first
100 points if they swear
-10 for laughing inappropriately

There was others all generally about annoying them like if is was some one phoning selling carpet cleaning service you ask them about more and more bazaar stains that they get out. Then at the end switch it round saying that sound like you have a really good service there shame I have wooden floors throughout my house.

Stair lift people ask lifts of questions then tell them you live in a bungalow

Bonus for stuff like that.

I was telling my sister about the game, and she seemed up for it. The game was on. She picked to play a little girl.

“Hello is mrs.XXXX there”
“Hello”
“Hello is your mummy there”
“Hello I’m reachel”
“Is your dad there?”
“I’m on my own”
“ohh so you parents aint there”
“I’m 3”
“ummm… so I can’t talk to anybody about morgaes”
“Mummy and daddy have gone to the pub I’m on my own”
“Really???”
“I have some biskets to eat…. But dog got them…”
“umm your on your…”
“I ve got some matches”
“I think ill call back later when they are in”
“Don’t go I’m lonely”
“Ummmm…..”
“I like matches they are pretty”
“Really got to go bye”

Not a bad effort for her first try. She kept her kiddie voice on all the way threw and the guy on the phone was genuinely shocked when she said she had some matches.

Long live the phone game

Observations about age.


In my job I see people of all ages. The thing that shocked me the most if how life effects “age”. For example I have seen smokers that are 60 look about 80 and I have seen people that are 80 look not much older than 65. Also people’s personality is changed with age. You see some people at 60 talking about dieing and being miserable. And you see people approaching the ton totally at piece happy with the life they have lead even though they have lived threw harder times than probably anyone reading this.

A woman 96 came in and she was a little deaf and her vision as not great but it was certainly nothing bad. And she couldn’t walk very far with out needing a rest. But she was chatty and happy. And in pretty good shape considering she is 3 and a half year away from a note from the queen. I picked out some glasses for her and she said she wanted something pretty because she likes to look nice she said tongue in cheek. Then she said are the good quality because they’ll have to last her.
It’s that kind if dry wit that always makes me laugh