Friday, May 30, 2008

CATS

In June last year we inherited a cat. In my June blog you can read how that worked out for me. Click on June in the left margin, I think the blog is called Cardiff and cats or something. I recall it being the same weekend I drove to see Richard herring.

Anyhoo four weeks ago I acquired a cat. Meaning that my new gaff now has two cats in it. I hate all animals indiscriminately anyway, so the fact that I have to feed and look after and keep alive something I dislike is a very odd emotional state for me. Keep the thing alive and happy so the mrs doesn’t chop off my nuts in my sleep and post them to marcush.

Thing is if this was an old cat, they just sleep a lot and id feed it and we would begrudgingly glare at each other occasionally like two grumpy old men and that would be tolerable. But the crazy thing is only 11 months old. And the thing is needy like a dog. If follows me around and doesn’t like going out. At 4.20 am on the dot it jumps on me every day. Waking me up. Only the scenario of telling my mrs that the cat must have committed suicide buy tieing itself in that mail bag with some brick and jumping in the canal stops me from doing it. I don’t this my suicide story is that convincing. I have learnt a lot from the cat. It fears the squeeze bottle of water. I just have to reach for it and the cat runs off. Im still not sure of the effect on catnip on it. I can’t tell if hes just being mental or it’s the catnip making him mental. But he love jumping and trying to shred my toes with is teeth and claws. This isn’t to handy when im doing important task like sleeping or getting beer from the fridge. One thing though. I have found a way that the cat and me can have fun together. With a laser. No im not cutting holes in him. He love chasing the dot produced my a laser pointer. I can make him run in rings about the place till he gets dizzy and puffed out and falls over and looks like hes going to die. I did panic when he did this the fist time. “im sorry dear he ran away” probably wasn’t going to cut it and “umm I gave your cat a massive heart attack with a laser” the truth didn’t seem that good eather. Lucky he recovered and I dint need to get some mains wires and resuscitate his little feline heart.

But this is what I see every 4:20 am as I open my eyes , the there is the loud growling purr, then the claws and teeth come. I took this photo as I woke up with him standing on my chest. And he is that close to my face
Junk email.

Ive always got a large sum of junk email, at one stage I used to get around 60 Spam mails a day, now with Spam filters its only about 10. With the various promises of free hot Asian babes doing the unimaginable, herbal vigra, and some crazy free loan I thought id seen pretty much everything before. But then


COLON CLEANSE: FLUCH UP TO 20LBS FREE TRIAL

Dear lord!!! Internet discount sudo-medical procedures, next they will be offering Internet discount circumcisions. And 20 lbs that’s nearly a stone and a half (I think). You have got to be holding it in a bit if you have over a stone of hobo currency lodged in you. I know I have some pretty bad morning after 10 pints and a curry sit down appointments in my life that have used half a roll and needed multiple flushes. But I don’t think any of them sans loo paper where any ware approaching a stone in mass. They where probably approaching a ton in velocity tho.

My good friend millwall stag do is tomorrow, and the honourable Mr Rhodes and myself with the help of Dr. T Chizz and chellie-bean. Its does promise to be a large one. So im sure it will give me something to write about….. If I can rember any of it
God bless the HMS millwall and all who sail in him.

Thursday, May 01, 2008

i know i said id try to do less of these, but heres another strange customer


“Hello can you fit these glasses please”
“Yes no problem ma'am , if you’d just like to pop them on”
“Why?”
“So I can see how they fit and what adjustments I need to make”
“They are not my glasses”
“Right….umm?”
“They are my friends”
“Is she coming to the shop?”
“No she’s on a cruse”
“Right…… well it’s a bit tricky to fit them without the person the are meant for here”
“ohh …. Really?”
“Well yeah. Because I don’t know what the person looks like so I don’t know what adjustments to make”
“Ohh I dint know……. I should have brought a photo”


Im fucking sorry ma’am I cant make these glasses fit an 8 by 10