I run exhausted to the jewellers holding my receipt ready to collect my….(well it not my its hers) engagement ring. Io gets there at 5:20. and some snotty little gut behind the door saying they are closed and wont let me collect. Muther fucker. I stop home pissed of trying to thing how im going to adjust my plans….

Next morning after a bad night all coz twat boy would let me have the ring I march up there just after 9…… sign that was not on the door yeasterday…. Closed for staff training….

They are lucking I didn’t have exposer to gamma rays in a lab someware when i was younger



a few hours later

i collect the ring ... grumble to the woman about not being open etc.....

i take the ring home and think maybe is should go see the wife at work and check it fits......

then i notice..... the rings gem setting ic cracked!!!!!! and where they have resized it. the gold its 2 diffrent colours... its not evan close to matching.... they have ruind the ring she had her hart set on......

i cant even explane how angry i am......

My travels …… part 1 getting there

Heathrow terminal 5 is pretty good. From check in to duty free in roughly 10 mins. That what I like in my airports. And but some fortuitous coincidence. Where we checked in was unbelievably close to our gate. Not like the last time I flew and I had to hike 45min across Gatwick. Id been warned that the Canadian customs are funny about what they let you bring in. only 1ltr of your favrote poison. So that 2 cans of larger or 1 bottle Dr. Rutgarts mad dog insanity overproof sipping liquor / engine degreaser. So the choice was easy. Find myself a alcohol mule. Other people I was flying with where now carrying my Smirnoff blue label. 2 weeks away im gonna at least need to ltr of vodka.

9and a half hours, the fast and the furious, star trek, and some episodes of porridge later. I crunched down in Calgary

there waiting for me as some pensioners in golf buggies offering to drive me the 200 yards to the customs desk. Yeah that’s exactly what I need after 9 and a half hours sitting down. A bit more. (Perhaps I was tired and a bit grumpy…. Considering I had wanted to walk out on fast and furious knowing full well I was 35000 up)

“Canadian are the nicest people you could ever meet” was a phrase I had still ringing in my ears from everyone I had ever told I was going to Canada. So as chirpily as I could when I got to the customs desk. I said hello, how are you? to the woman. And she staird at me like id just done a shit on her inkpad. I handed her my passport and my imagation pass and some other bit of paper she wanted. But apparently I handed them to her in the wrong order. And she over drematily shuffled them trying to make as much russling noise as possible. I rolled my eyes up and noticed the big sign listing things you cant bring in to Canada. High up on the list was soil. I wish I had some on me. It would be flying in to that woman’s face. She handed me back my paper work. I too 2 steps and handed it to the bloke standing behind her. She was closer than me. He said "welcome to Canada enjoy your stay"

Please note I cannot be held responsible for any mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, karma, dharma, metaphysical, religious, philosophical, Logical , Ethical, Aesthetical, or financial damage caused by this post

additianl disclamer. any rough genralistions in the following are ment to be takens at hyperbole

List of odd differences I encountered between Alberta (south nr foothills) and Hampshire

1. you cant get real bacon its like the McDonalds round beacon.
2. a short walk to the shops an back is around 8 miles
3. speed limits are painfully slow
4. 3 in 5 trucks/ cars have a broken windscreen
5. there’s no MOT’s
6. road deaths are higher than a lot of other country’s
7. the driving test seems easy
8. the bigger the better they seem to thing that anything small is no good. This rule applies to almost everything
9. you cant get beer anyware except liquor stores and bars (its like the don’t want you to bloody drink)
10.YOU CAN’T SODDING GET BEER AT THE SUPERMARKET
11. there no family meal pub culture
12. Supermarkets sell guns and ammo
13. there’s lots of hair crimes
14. a lot of people are a little too interested in horses for my likeing
15. people couldn’t understand my strange accent
16. Everyone thought I must be a criminal because I was from Europe
17. the 10 cents coin is smaller than the 5 cents
18. at customs they really really don’t want to let you into the country
19.Most people are really friendly, slightly unnervingly so to begin with. At first I though this was a kind of American “have a nice day” bullshit. But its not
20. People do say EH?
21. everything there is described as awsome. (see linked eddie izzard gag) but pronounced arseoom

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0rYT0YvQ3hs

I recommend it. just stock up on duty-free and some good walking shoes