Phone rings “hello can I ask you some questions about contact lenses” “um yeah, what it about?” “Its just a few questions” “ok… what are you a marketing company or a customer” “oh it’s a survey” “right” “it will only take a minuet” “go on then” “who many lenses have you fitted this month?” “”What new customers or check ups” “dunno? Suppose new?” “1 or 2 I think” “what would you like me to put?” “I don’t mind” “well I'm no allowed to interpret any of your answers, oh by the way this is being recorded” “right, well put down 2 then” “what percentage of them was 1 day lenses” “one of them was one days” “so what percentage is that?” “ohh 50%” “and what percentage was toric” “50%” “and what percentage was GP?” “huh? 0%” “and what percent was…” “well all the rest are going to be 0 mate” “right ok well I’m not allowed to interpret your answers in any way” “how many more categories are there?” “well 4, there is 7 in total” “well put them down as 0%. Hang on what would have happened if I had done 87 lens fittings would I have to have worked out all the individual percentages across all the 7 categories for you?” “umm well yes” “right. Ok what’s the next question?” “umm that’s it” “ohh good” “would you like my phone number?” “What? What for?” “just incase you have any questions.” “Questions? Like what” “I don’t know” “no its ok I don’t want your number”

Bastards that use my shop as a pensioner crèche. Middle aged people bring in a coffin dodger “hello, mum here needs her glasses adjusted… ok mum ill see you later im going to pop round the shops” “it will only take a minuet” I protest “ ill get you on the way back mum. I Wont be long!”  20 sodding minutes later. 3 attempts for the old person leave the shop and get in a car that stopped at the traffic lights thinking its there relative picking them up. Deaf as a post. A spoon full of dementure and sprinkling of racism. They final get picked up. “All done now are we?” (we where all done before you got to the other end of the street). Now I need to fabreeze a chair…

You have to admire some people gentardary. Stood in the queue in the bank and the guy being served hands over some money to be paid in. “pay in this £1000” “ the woman counts it out  “there is only 900 here” “well it was in wrapper” “umm yes it was in a cash band yeah” “well should be a grand then” “well its not” “well I cant go back to the bloke who gave it to me” “right” “what shall I do?” “umm you can go to the back and get them to check the till” “but there is supposed to be a grand. Can you pay in a grand” “I can’t pay in money that you are not giving me” “but it says it’s a grand” “the cash band says that yes but the notes are not. Its easy to slip out 2 fifty’s from it”

They guy would just not go was still there arguing when I left

I got to print something out and notice a post it note on the printer saying “inks low” ohh bloody hell I only got a new toner a  few weeks ago. Then I notice something odd about the paper in the printer. Its not neatly stacked. I pull it out and find it to have already been printed on. there is also another big stack under the counter. I appears my boss has tried to print out the internet again and kept feeding the printer paper till the toner died……again

Sitting in my shop. I notice more and more police going by. Eventually I decide to go have a gander out the window. And there is five cars and 2 meat wagons and they have sealed off the road. Something has gone down at RBS.  Whilst im trying to work out what’s go on and man walks threw the door. Oldish. With a moth like a vandalized graveyard. “Hello can I help you?” “Yes. Do you have a ladder?” “a ladder” “yes a ladder” “umm no I don’t” “you don’t have a ladder?” “no I don’t” “a nice long ladder for getting up high” “no I don’t have a ladder” “well that shows!!!!. The overhang out the front of your stop is filthy” “ohh right” “witch way do you leave the shop. Front or back?” “Front” “well you should see how dusty the over hang bit it then” “yeah umm” “so are you going to clean it then? Or are you going to say its up to the land lord” “well I just work here” “ohh you just work here” “who’s the landlord” “I don’t know” “you don’t know who the land lord is” “no I don’t” “well why don’t you know” “well I have no say in the building I just work in this shop” “stop making excuses. I have to stand over there at the bus stop and look at that dirty bit of concrete you find out who the land lord is”

Phone rings. “I got my glasses yesterday and they are not tinted” “let me check the order…. Um you have order transition lenses. They change colour in the sun” “well they don’t look it” “umm well they are more or less clear indoors then when you go in the sun they darken up” “well they are clear now, there’s no tint and they wont change. I haven’t seen them change” “are you indoors?” “yes” “have you worn them out side?” “no” “right well you need to take them out side” “so they wont change indoors?” “no. Just sun light” “OHH” “well they are clear” “go and stand outside with them and see what happens”

I have a penchant for bacon sand wedge. The cafe round the corner and I have a little arrangement where I phone and order and they send round this little old man to deliver it. He’s probably 70. and spends most of his time washing up, smoking or going to the bookies next to my shop so I don’t feel bad about making a pensioner bring me food. the one thing if failed to mention is he speaks absolutely no English. So most encounters are him making a hello noise and me saying thank you. If I had to make a guess id say he may be Turkish. But I don’t know. Anyway there’s been a few times when he has laughed like a drain. One was when he came in my shop and I was under the counter plugging in something then popped up and laughed so hard he nearly fell over. The second was when a bird flew into my shop window. He found that even more hysterical. Then today I have a new banner in the window. With wolf on it in silhouette. He was laughing and pointing at it, grinning a weird not as many teeth and he should have smile at me. Then made the heavy metal/ horns/ sign of the devil hand gesture and me. Handed me my sand wedge and was still laughing loudly 30 yards up the road.

Right put a bit more thought into a vid we cam make and watch all the indigogo money roll in

TAP TURBINES

Hydroelectric turbines that fit on your taps! What’s not to like????!!!  Water comes into your house (unless you live in a poor country) and that water just does water stuff. What a waste. It could be working for you! making you money!. Its simple, tap turbines fit onto your already existing taps and water systems. And when you use them the water pushes the turbine and it generates your electricity. So running the bath powers your TV. Flushing a turd charges your phone washing your hands powers a light. Infinite clean energy. We (have pulled some figures out of thin air and) calculated that if everyone had these it would generate 3 times the world’s energy needs.  Power your stuff of sell the electricity to others. Or give it away free if you are a communist. Tap turbines pay for them selves in 5 years (the probably only last 3 and use more energy to make than they can possibly generate in there life span but hay) tap fucking turbines make that h2o work for you

You make the vid ill take 30%

One of the phones isn’t working. Call BT. Wait on hold for 10 mins after the stupid voice recognition bit. Final get threw to someone. “Ive got to ask you security questions what’s you business name? What’s you business address? What’s you post code? Are you brian? What the phone number? Is that the line you are on now?” “My phones not dialling out. Can get incoming calls. But cant dial out” “ill test you line. Hold please (same bit of crappy music over and over for 5 mins) right tested you line and there’s nothing wrong” “right, but I cant dial out” “well ill transfer you to accounts” “umm why?” “hold please” (15 mins of the same music) and I get transferred to India “hello bt accounts how may I help?” “umm well I have a problem with my phone line and technical just transferred me to you” “why?” “I don’t know why” “well what’s you account number?” “I don’t know. I was just phoneing to get my line fixed” “ive got to ask you security questions what’s you business name? What’s you business address? What’s you post code? Are you brian? Right ill look at you account hold please” (same awful music) “well there’s nothing wrong with your account” “right. So what should I do” “have you spoken to technical?” “I told you I have and they transferred me to you” “ohh right hold please” (another 10 mins and ive broken my pen in rage) “right well it looks like you account has an outstanding balance” “really? You just said it was fine” “no there is £12.62 outstanding” “what?” “There is £12.62 outstanding can I take your credit card?” “no I just work here, that’s done by accounts. Our bill its always about 10 times that it’s a busy shop line. How is there 12 quid on there?” “It says £12.62 we will unblock you line when you call with credit card” “well that’s not happening. Im going to have to call my accounts person to call you. Can you give me the number of the bill? The number of the check that you cashed? The amount it was for? The date? Because I cant see how the check could be made out for anything other than the correct total” “I don’t have that information. I can take credit card” “right well Im going to have to get my accounts department to call you and get all that information and find out who’s cock up this is and why I have been on the phone for close to and hour” “ummm err. Anything else I can help you with” I hang up nearly damaging the phone. I pick up the phone to call the accounts lady and in my annoyance I pick the line that is blocked. Slam the phone down. A customer walks in

Ten mins after serving the customer, I go to phone the accounts lady. And pick up the blocked line again. Only now it’s unblocked

Just had someone come in and tell me that my window display is crap.  “I go passed on the bus most days and your window display is really disappointing and drab” “ohh well because we are a small shop not many manufactures send us any point of sale” “well you have 4 bags in it” “yes that was the last stuff I was sent some beach bags with logos on, so I filled them with boxes and there’s the little bench” “well its drab” “well ok its been there for about 6 months but ive not got anything else to put in the window” “ive got this book. Its pictures of Aldershot in the 40’s and 50’s where this shop is used to be a bit of grass with a bullet proof car on. You could pay 6 old pence to sit in it”  (starts showing me pictures in the book) “right” “do you want to borrow the book?” “oh no its ok. Ill just scan the pictures to show my boss” (I go out back and pretend) “so what about your window then?” “well what do you sagest?” “you could go to the counsel and get lost of old photos of Aldershot and put them on display in your window and they will probably give you some pot plants” “ right ill bare that in mind, thanks for popping in” “well if you want me to show you anymore books let me know”

Old woman walks up to the shop. Stares threw the window. Looks at the stuff in the window. Looks at me. Looks back at the little bench in the window that is a crappy bit of point of sale for bench. It’s too small for a leprechaun to sit on. She frowns at me and walks away. 30 seconds later she’s back looking at this bench and then me again. She opens the door. “Hello my I help you” “why do you have that in the window?” “Its just a point of sale thing” “a bench with bench written on it” “yes it’s a brand” “well its confusing makes it look like you sell benches” frowns at me and leaves

Bloke angrily stomps in

“These glasses are terrible” “ohh umm” “look” he throws them on the desk. I open the case to reveal some glasses, a make of witch I have never herd of “umm I don’t think you got these here” “no I bought them from an air port” “right” “well they are supposed to be the best” “right” “well the person that sold them to me said you could do anything with them” “umm humm” “yeah they cost me 50 pounds about 20 years ago” “I see” “well” “well what?” “What can you do?” “umm with those? Nothing really” “WHAT (angry and shocked)” “well I can make you some new glasses” “I don’t want new ones, I want theses they are supposed to be the best” “well you said yourself that they don’t seem to be. I could make you something better” “well these cost me a lot of money” walks out

I’m probably the least intimidating person you know. If I were a top trump intimidation stat would be 2. So it is with extreme pleasure that the person who cocked up all the parking blocked my space for well over an hour turned out to be a 17 year old 6 stone Asian kid. Who shat himself when I started having a go at him. So much so he even stalled his car then got out again and asked me if he had to pay me a fine.

Bloke comes in. “are my glasses ready yet” “let me just have a look” “coz its been a week and you said a week” (his tone getting a bit hostile) “yes the have arrived” “well I wasn’t told” “well looks like they arrived Friday and we left message on the number you gave us” “well I didn’t get it” “ok, umm sorry about that. Well they are here now. If you’d like to take seat ill fit them” “well this message I didn’t get it” “we would have called you again. We call when they come in and if we don’t directly speak to you and you haven’t been in contact. We wait a few days and call you again.” “oh so I could have been waiting a few more days for them” (trying to defuse the hostility) “well they are here now, lets get them fitted” “ohh I cant get them now. I don’t get paid till next month. Ill be in Thursday or Friday when ive been paid”

Phone rings. “I cant read my prescription” “was it from a test we did” “yes” “ok found it what’s the problem” “I cant read it” “ok well the photo copy I have here is perfectly legible for anyone that needs to read it” “well I cant read it” “well you have the original and I have a photocopy and I can read the copy fine. Anyone that is making anything up will understand it so don’t worry. If they have any problem get them to call me” “well I cant read it” “ok why what’s the problem with your original?” “The first box its got a squiggle in it” “umm that’s infinity” “what” “its infinity, it’s the symbol for infinity” “what’s that?” “The symbol is for infinity its called a lemnsgate or lenmsate or something I cant remember but it looks like an 8 on its side right?” “Yeah but what is it?” “it’s the symbol for infinity, don’t worry anyone that it making up the prescription will understand” “what is it?” “it just means infinity” “BUT WHAT IS INFINATY” “pardon?” “What is infinity?” “what’s infinity?” “Yeah?” “Well in means goes on forever, no end sort of thing” “I don’t understand. What is infinity? ” “Well in this case you really don’t need to, just don’t worry about it. It all written out correctly you just need to hand it in to be made up” “but I don’t understand what’s in the box” “its just the symbol for infinity and it looks like an 8 on its side. Its written out in standard notation so the people making the lenses knows exactly what’s going on.” “Shall I write that word on it?” “What word” “infinity” “NO don’t right anything on it al all or it could get made up wrong. Just go and had it in” “well if you are sure its ok”

Creepy encounter with a woman at lunch. In the centre there is a space that has different stands 50% of the time it’s a charity. The other half its will wrighting or insurance etc. I try to amble passed it as fast as possible as to not have precious minuets of my lunch break wasted. Today im walking passed it and a woman blocks my way. Attempting to hand me a leaflet. She kind of odd looking. Fairly normal at first glance. smartly dressed and in her 20’s but her jacket looks about 20 years old and very worn, and her glasses look like a snail has been using them for a treadmill. I can’t see the front of the stand. “What’s it for?” “Do you have a few mins?” “not really I have to get back to work (look in cex for an mp3 player)” “shame” she snatches back the leaflet and looks sad. “What’s if for?” “Na ahh, what time do you finish work?” “umm 5” “ok well ill wait for you, come back at 5” “wha..” “Bye for now, see you at five, I’ll be waiting for you, you can find out then ”  and starts doing a little flappy hand wave at me.

Now. Im not saying anything or accusing anyone of anything but I just think it’s a tiny coincidence that when ever the funeral place hearse rolls passed in the morning the “luck heather” “women” have flowers instead of heather when I pass them at lunch

Think and fast. 3 numbskulls in as many minuets

“are my glasses ready” “ill just look, umm you ordered them Saturday afternoon.?” “yeah are they ready?” “well ,as you would been have told. Any orders placed on Saturday will get processed / started today.” “yeah and?” “So the glasses have only just been started today” “well that’s pretty rubbish” “ill call you when they are back likely to be the end of this week”

on his way out the next one walks in

“Need an eye test” “ok I can book you in…. Thursday” “ohh well I have got this voucher, it expired tomorrow. Can I be seen today?” “Sorry no test available until Thursday” “well that’s no bloody good the voucher will expire” holds out the voucher and over enthusiastically points at the date on it “well yes I can see that its due to expire tomorrow, but these vouchers get issued with a 6 month or more time limit on them” “yeah well ” “so you have had all that time, maybe you could talk to your company and ask for an extension..” he huffs and walks out

the phone starts to ring as he’s leaving

“need an eye test” “yes I can book you in for Thursday” “yeah that’s fine” (he picks a time, an lulls me into a false sense of security thinking he could be normal. His personality then turns into a spoiled 13 year old boy) “you can’t make me ware them” “pardon” “you can’t make me ware glasses. If you say I need them im not wearing them” “umm what?” “all im saying is im not wearing them and you can’t make me” “ok, umm do you want this eye test?” “yeah corse, DUH. im never wearing glasses though I don’t care what you say so don’t even bother ok.” “See you Thursday”

Woman walks in “I want to get some free glasses” “well nothings free, if you are entitled the nhs may contribute some money towards them” “they are free I have this card” “umm this is a card saying that you are on limited benefits, so doesn’t necessarily entitle you to anything. Also I notice it expired in March 2011” “so want are you saying?” this card has expired and thus does not entitle you to anything” “well this just isn’t on. They say they don’t send out new cards and this one would be fine to carry on using” “well I sagest you take it up with ‘them’” “so you are not going to give me any free glasses then” “nope”

Phone rings

“hello, id like to book in”

“yes not a problem, any preference”

“must be a Thursday”

“ok , how does the 23^rd suit?”

“is it a THURSDAY?”

“well…. Yes”

“Well if it’s a Thursday then I can do it”

“ok so Thursday the 23^rd of January …(we then pick a time)”

“so is that next Thursday?”

“yes, the 23^rd”

“Thursday?”

“yes , Thursday the 23^rd”

“ummm, ok yeah that’s fine if it’s a Thursday”

“it is. So that’s you booked in at (time) on THURSDAY the 23^rd of January that’s next Thursday ok?”

“ok bye”

2 mins later the phone rings

“I wanted a Thursday”

“yes I know…”

“well the 22^nd is a Wednesday”

“yeah but..”

“I expressly told you I wanted a Thursday and the 22^nd is not a Thursday”

“but…”

“I WANT A THURSDAY NOT A WEDNESDAY”

“(I mange to get a word in) I booked you in for Thursday the 23^rd”

“you said 22^nd”

“no I didn’t I said 23^rd. Thursday the 23^rd at (time)”

“no you said 22^nd”

“I didn’t “

“well what is it?”

“what is what?”

“when I booked in?”

“THURSDAY TWENTY THIRD OF JANUARY”

“then why did you say 22^nd when I asked you specifically for Thursday”

“(trying to end this) RIGHT! You are booked in for THURSDAY the 23^rd at (time) that is next Thursday, is that what you want?”

“DUH! YES!”

“well that’s what you booked”

“then why did…”

“Thursday it is then, see you” ( I hang up before I break the phone by slamming it down)