happy christmas boys and girls i hope santa brings you all that you wanted. (if you where good) if not then get the lump of coal you deserve.
my wife is getting her cat back. lets see what happens there. i have to say ive missed the little blighter. but in a few weeks hes going to had destryoyed my my tv and pissed in the fridge or somthing.
well have a good one folks
raise a glass to absent friends, and all those who didnt have such a good 2008 lets hope 2009 will be better.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
So all go
I inspect my soon to be new pad. And im moderately horrified. Its not been cleaned in 6 months of more. Dust every ware. Well I can deal with that. Mould in the sink and microwave. Long dead things in the freezer in a nasty thord state threatening to reanimate. I was thinking along the lines of a flamethrower being the best corse of action. The CO. was rose tinted in her view an thought a few hours scrubbing and it would be our palace. So she set to work. Scrubbing the microwave…. 45 mins later and her sprit was broken too. Bless her little cotton socks. She worked very hard cleaning everything. Especially the swastika that someone had painted on the front door. There’s so much still to do, and my mood drops every time I rember being up to my elbows in mouldy washing up. I tried the oven. But that was insane. My next crack at that is tomorrow.
But the worst thing…. The worst thing was the bins
Myself and raz. Tried to sort the bins. Two 80 ltr dustbins. Upon looking in them the rubbish was not in bags and rotting. Best corse of action. Bin bag over the top. Tip bin up. All in bag tie up quick. With bin bag in place I tried to lift them bin. No I know im a pussy. But I could barely lift it. it was about that time we lifed off a top layer of refuse to discover the bin was 2 thirds full of water. In it was everything you don’t want to ever see. Used nappys. Rotting food. there was these things that looked like maggots but about an inch to an inch and a half in size . Blood red worms. Slugs, snails. The smell was indescribable. Razmus and I where almost adding vomit to the concoction in the bin with every whiff. At 1 point raz when over to some burning rubber of plastic or something to take the smell of the bins away. If you have ever smelt the piss swamp at reading …. That is a bed of roses compared to the horrors of the bin. We had to scoop out half and carry it down the stairs to a drain the pour out fluid, then carry back up the stairs. I asked raz that if he dropped in and I fell and broke my back and was covered in the “fluid” then to take my cash card go and buy an gun and shoot me in the head. And to not dordle. Luckily that didn’t happen. There was two of these bins and the second was the same.
Once it was finished I look at raz apologetically (as had not really signed up for that horror) and he turned and said
“im not a religious man….. but if hell smells anything like that then im going to church”
I inspect my soon to be new pad. And im moderately horrified. Its not been cleaned in 6 months of more. Dust every ware. Well I can deal with that. Mould in the sink and microwave. Long dead things in the freezer in a nasty thord state threatening to reanimate. I was thinking along the lines of a flamethrower being the best corse of action. The CO. was rose tinted in her view an thought a few hours scrubbing and it would be our palace. So she set to work. Scrubbing the microwave…. 45 mins later and her sprit was broken too. Bless her little cotton socks. She worked very hard cleaning everything. Especially the swastika that someone had painted on the front door. There’s so much still to do, and my mood drops every time I rember being up to my elbows in mouldy washing up. I tried the oven. But that was insane. My next crack at that is tomorrow.
But the worst thing…. The worst thing was the bins
Myself and raz. Tried to sort the bins. Two 80 ltr dustbins. Upon looking in them the rubbish was not in bags and rotting. Best corse of action. Bin bag over the top. Tip bin up. All in bag tie up quick. With bin bag in place I tried to lift them bin. No I know im a pussy. But I could barely lift it. it was about that time we lifed off a top layer of refuse to discover the bin was 2 thirds full of water. In it was everything you don’t want to ever see. Used nappys. Rotting food. there was these things that looked like maggots but about an inch to an inch and a half in size . Blood red worms. Slugs, snails. The smell was indescribable. Razmus and I where almost adding vomit to the concoction in the bin with every whiff. At 1 point raz when over to some burning rubber of plastic or something to take the smell of the bins away. If you have ever smelt the piss swamp at reading …. That is a bed of roses compared to the horrors of the bin. We had to scoop out half and carry it down the stairs to a drain the pour out fluid, then carry back up the stairs. I asked raz that if he dropped in and I fell and broke my back and was covered in the “fluid” then to take my cash card go and buy an gun and shoot me in the head. And to not dordle. Luckily that didn’t happen. There was two of these bins and the second was the same.
Once it was finished I look at raz apologetically (as had not really signed up for that horror) and he turned and said
“im not a religious man….. but if hell smells anything like that then im going to church”
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
What are the chances?
Well im sitting here mildly annoyed still at the car troubles I has yesterday and the jobless drug addict outside who is shouting into a mobile phone about smoking heroin off of tin foil is only exsasabateing my mood.
Id had a kickass evening watching less than jake, and skipping the line and getting the front two people autographs. And then managed to make the ticket that was sign survive the gig. Without becoming sodden with beer and bodily fluids. With is the custom at a ska-punk gig. Sadly I didn’t fair aswell as the ticket and I was cloying with beer, and other more unpleasant fluids.
When I awoke. The next day realising I had neglected to bring any clean attire, and that I should go home a do something about the stench that I was emitting to innocents. I got into my car, and tried to pull away. To my horror I discovered that my breaks had pretty much fallen off and where making some terrible notice as the car tried to move. And the where eather jamming on (kinda) to being jammed off (kinda). No way I was going to make a mile, let alone the 45ish miles back to some clean pants. My friend knew of a garage close by and they managed to fit me in. sadly it took all day to fix and my poor friend was nice enough to allow me to stay in her gaff and play video games. And pretend that I didn’t smell like a pub toilet carpet still sodden with piss. Car fixed and £120 poorer I got home and did my eblusions. Where upon my old dear phones.
“what a day I have had!”
“yes go on mother ive had a shit one too”
“thismororning. The braeks pretty much fell off my car”
“ohhh very funny”
“what”
“how did you find out?”
“well I got out the drive and there was this big crunch”
“no you senile old bat… my cars breaks broke”
“what?”
“look stop winding me up”
“no my brakes broke im phoning to tell you”
“look old crone, I think its time to put you in a home. You are getting confused again”
“shut up harry, im 56 and you mother stop talking to me like that”
“sorry but my brakes fell off today and your winding me up”
“what? Are you winding me up?”
“no im not I’ve been bloody stuck in Southampton all day with the pissing QE2 honking its horn all day I just wanted to go and scupper it. and the brakes cost me £120”
“well my breaks did that too”
sparing you the rest of the comparing details. But exactly the same thing had happened to mine and my mothers car on the same morning 30 miles apart at the same time.
Either someone is trying to kill us both in some crappy film noir way. Of its just very strange massive coincidence. And that im poorer and my rudeness to my mother means father Christmas wont be visiting me.
But I hope hes got her forwarding address for her care home
Well im sitting here mildly annoyed still at the car troubles I has yesterday and the jobless drug addict outside who is shouting into a mobile phone about smoking heroin off of tin foil is only exsasabateing my mood.
Id had a kickass evening watching less than jake, and skipping the line and getting the front two people autographs. And then managed to make the ticket that was sign survive the gig. Without becoming sodden with beer and bodily fluids. With is the custom at a ska-punk gig. Sadly I didn’t fair aswell as the ticket and I was cloying with beer, and other more unpleasant fluids.
When I awoke. The next day realising I had neglected to bring any clean attire, and that I should go home a do something about the stench that I was emitting to innocents. I got into my car, and tried to pull away. To my horror I discovered that my breaks had pretty much fallen off and where making some terrible notice as the car tried to move. And the where eather jamming on (kinda) to being jammed off (kinda). No way I was going to make a mile, let alone the 45ish miles back to some clean pants. My friend knew of a garage close by and they managed to fit me in. sadly it took all day to fix and my poor friend was nice enough to allow me to stay in her gaff and play video games. And pretend that I didn’t smell like a pub toilet carpet still sodden with piss. Car fixed and £120 poorer I got home and did my eblusions. Where upon my old dear phones.
“what a day I have had!”
“yes go on mother ive had a shit one too”
“thismororning. The braeks pretty much fell off my car”
“ohhh very funny”
“what”
“how did you find out?”
“well I got out the drive and there was this big crunch”
“no you senile old bat… my cars breaks broke”
“what?”
“look stop winding me up”
“no my brakes broke im phoning to tell you”
“look old crone, I think its time to put you in a home. You are getting confused again”
“shut up harry, im 56 and you mother stop talking to me like that”
“sorry but my brakes fell off today and your winding me up”
“what? Are you winding me up?”
“no im not I’ve been bloody stuck in Southampton all day with the pissing QE2 honking its horn all day I just wanted to go and scupper it. and the brakes cost me £120”
“well my breaks did that too”
sparing you the rest of the comparing details. But exactly the same thing had happened to mine and my mothers car on the same morning 30 miles apart at the same time.
Either someone is trying to kill us both in some crappy film noir way. Of its just very strange massive coincidence. And that im poorer and my rudeness to my mother means father Christmas wont be visiting me.
But I hope hes got her forwarding address for her care home
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Gift horse in the mouth.
The place I have lunch most days. Has a Chinese opera society or something and the fund a school in china. There annual thing was coming up and the asked me to buy some raffle tickets. Raffles I used to be quite lucky as when I was a child. I won some gigantic teddy bear from Texas (the diy store) and I always used to do well in the school and village raffles. One year I was on my 6th prize from the same raffle, and they band me from winning anymore. Not that I minded I already had more cake than I could eat. This raffle at the Chinese 1st prise was a flight to Hong Kong. And I was really hoping I didn’t win it. Coz I was just a flight. And was pretty much set up as a good prise for someone from Hong Kong so they could go back and visit etc. not that good for anyone else. Unless you had enough money to get another flight for a partner or cohort. And hotel etc… so the prise in the long run would actually bankrupt me or not get used.
My phone rings. And im informed I have won a prize. And that I should go to the restaurant the next day. And on the phone im told not to ask what my prize is ill find out tomorrow. Ohh crap….. Not the flight please not the flight. Give that to someone who can use it and that wouldn’t normal be able to afford to go back and see family. Just a bottle of wine or a free lunch or something would be good.
I arrive. And Mary (her “English name”) starts rooting bout and checks my ticket. Thank fuck I haven’t won the flight. She goes over to a box of wrapped things.. and starts looking threw. And pulls out envelopes….. Shit I may have got a flight….. na na more of a fuss would be made. Envelopes go back in. I get a by royal mail size, midem sized package. It’s squishy so basically it’s a textile. So it’s a scarf. But there is a cardboard bit to it. Maybe backing maybe something else. I don’t open it there. Because im sure I would pull some kind of ungrateful face. and being English I try not to do that so I get my lunch and say my thankyous.
Back at work. I open in. it’s a plain black long women’s scarf, with beaded tassels. And a gold plated broache. The attire is for a eastern woman in her 60’s. I couldn’t have possibly got anything less useful to me.
Well never look a gift house In the mouth….. Guess what my wife’s getting for Xmas, saves me the money on the ironing board cover I was going to get her.
The place I have lunch most days. Has a Chinese opera society or something and the fund a school in china. There annual thing was coming up and the asked me to buy some raffle tickets. Raffles I used to be quite lucky as when I was a child. I won some gigantic teddy bear from Texas (the diy store) and I always used to do well in the school and village raffles. One year I was on my 6th prize from the same raffle, and they band me from winning anymore. Not that I minded I already had more cake than I could eat. This raffle at the Chinese 1st prise was a flight to Hong Kong. And I was really hoping I didn’t win it. Coz I was just a flight. And was pretty much set up as a good prise for someone from Hong Kong so they could go back and visit etc. not that good for anyone else. Unless you had enough money to get another flight for a partner or cohort. And hotel etc… so the prise in the long run would actually bankrupt me or not get used.
My phone rings. And im informed I have won a prize. And that I should go to the restaurant the next day. And on the phone im told not to ask what my prize is ill find out tomorrow. Ohh crap….. Not the flight please not the flight. Give that to someone who can use it and that wouldn’t normal be able to afford to go back and see family. Just a bottle of wine or a free lunch or something would be good.
I arrive. And Mary (her “English name”) starts rooting bout and checks my ticket. Thank fuck I haven’t won the flight. She goes over to a box of wrapped things.. and starts looking threw. And pulls out envelopes….. Shit I may have got a flight….. na na more of a fuss would be made. Envelopes go back in. I get a by royal mail size, midem sized package. It’s squishy so basically it’s a textile. So it’s a scarf. But there is a cardboard bit to it. Maybe backing maybe something else. I don’t open it there. Because im sure I would pull some kind of ungrateful face. and being English I try not to do that so I get my lunch and say my thankyous.
Back at work. I open in. it’s a plain black long women’s scarf, with beaded tassels. And a gold plated broache. The attire is for a eastern woman in her 60’s. I couldn’t have possibly got anything less useful to me.
Well never look a gift house In the mouth….. Guess what my wife’s getting for Xmas, saves me the money on the ironing board cover I was going to get her.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
You know its going to be an odd weekend when it starts an you almost run over someone wearing world war 2 pilots goggles,who is walking in the middle of the busy ring road.
Then on the phone to the paintball organiser. (Quote totaly out of context here)
“Conroy I’m thinking of giving you one….. but not the balls”
joy
Then on the phone to the paintball organiser. (Quote totaly out of context here)
“Conroy I’m thinking of giving you one….. but not the balls”
joy
Monday, October 06, 2008
Do they know something I don’t? (wow my 100th blog. still without proofreading or adiquate spelling and gramma)
Blurry eyed I check my email last Friday. 26 new emails. 26 what in the name of Greek buggery? Some bell end sending me junk mail again?. Loads up my in box…….. 20 odd emails about me needing viagra. Ohh joy. DELETED!
About 15 mins later a guy comes in and says package for you…. Is specifically named for me. Not the shop. don’t rember ordering anything ….. hummm..
I open it up. 50 leaflets on hypogonadism. Trust me buy the looks of it that’s not as cool as it sounds. For those of you not in the know. Its about low testosterone and erectile dysfunction. And lets face it erectile dysfunction is not as funny as the name sounds like it should be. It summons up connotations of having this rampaging dong that’s slightly any establishment and drags you around in the vain of quagmire from family guy. Where as in reality your just known by your bitchy disgruntled partner as “Mr. Floppy”. So feeling slightly paranoid and that my maninlyness was being challenged (and lets face it I don’t have that much manliness to challenge) I looked at the questionnaire….
1. do you have decreased libido?
2. do you have a lack of energy?
3. Do you have a decrease in strength and endurance?
4. Have you a lost height?
5. Have you noticed decreased “enjoyment of life”?
6. Are you sad and or grumpy?
7. Are your erections less strong?
8. have you noticed a resent deteration in your ability to play sports?
9. Are you falling asleep after dinner
10. has there been a resent deteration in your work performance?
Yes to questions 1 or 7. or atlest 3 of the other questions your screwed.
1. I dunno…. Everyone thinks im asexual and reproduces by budding or somthing
2. im a lazy git
3. I cant lift a tin of beans or climb stairs
4. im short
5. I hate everything
6. always
7. strong? What the fuck does that mean. I don’t go and hang weights off it or do cock push ups. Or go tie the end to my car and pull it up the drive. What the hell am I supposed to do get a Newton meter and take a weekly average and chart it over the years?
8. yeah im shit
9. yeah coz I feed myself so much I have to lie there like a anaconda digesting the tonne of pig I have just swallowed
10. fuck yes I do as little as possible and hate my customers
well I make that as a yes to pretty much all of them. Maybe is just my hypochondria or is it
now im shit scared if seeing the mrs. And Sunday come around. Hypochondria, performance anxiety tiredness and alcohol didn’t really stack the odds in my little chaps favour. But apparently he was fine. I couldn’t really tell coz I was beaten semi-unconchose and had an orange in my mouth and a plastic bag over my head.
Yeah you think about that whilst eating your cornflakes.
Blurry eyed I check my email last Friday. 26 new emails. 26 what in the name of Greek buggery? Some bell end sending me junk mail again?. Loads up my in box…….. 20 odd emails about me needing viagra. Ohh joy. DELETED!
About 15 mins later a guy comes in and says package for you…. Is specifically named for me. Not the shop. don’t rember ordering anything ….. hummm..
I open it up. 50 leaflets on hypogonadism. Trust me buy the looks of it that’s not as cool as it sounds. For those of you not in the know. Its about low testosterone and erectile dysfunction. And lets face it erectile dysfunction is not as funny as the name sounds like it should be. It summons up connotations of having this rampaging dong that’s slightly any establishment and drags you around in the vain of quagmire from family guy. Where as in reality your just known by your bitchy disgruntled partner as “Mr. Floppy”. So feeling slightly paranoid and that my maninlyness was being challenged (and lets face it I don’t have that much manliness to challenge) I looked at the questionnaire….
1. do you have decreased libido?
2. do you have a lack of energy?
3. Do you have a decrease in strength and endurance?
4. Have you a lost height?
5. Have you noticed decreased “enjoyment of life”?
6. Are you sad and or grumpy?
7. Are your erections less strong?
8. have you noticed a resent deteration in your ability to play sports?
9. Are you falling asleep after dinner
10. has there been a resent deteration in your work performance?
Yes to questions 1 or 7. or atlest 3 of the other questions your screwed.
1. I dunno…. Everyone thinks im asexual and reproduces by budding or somthing
2. im a lazy git
3. I cant lift a tin of beans or climb stairs
4. im short
5. I hate everything
6. always
7. strong? What the fuck does that mean. I don’t go and hang weights off it or do cock push ups. Or go tie the end to my car and pull it up the drive. What the hell am I supposed to do get a Newton meter and take a weekly average and chart it over the years?
8. yeah im shit
9. yeah coz I feed myself so much I have to lie there like a anaconda digesting the tonne of pig I have just swallowed
10. fuck yes I do as little as possible and hate my customers
well I make that as a yes to pretty much all of them. Maybe is just my hypochondria or is it
now im shit scared if seeing the mrs. And Sunday come around. Hypochondria, performance anxiety tiredness and alcohol didn’t really stack the odds in my little chaps favour. But apparently he was fine. I couldn’t really tell coz I was beaten semi-unconchose and had an orange in my mouth and a plastic bag over my head.
Yeah you think about that whilst eating your cornflakes.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Peter molenux 1 Conroy bumpas 0
Peter molinux should normal keep his mouth shut whilst his games are in development. He promises the earth and then when it proves not possible he has to offer grovelling apologies. (See black & white, and fable). Im quite looking forward to fable. My one gripe with the first one was you made your character look cool there choices and actions and stuff, but it wasn’t online so you couldn’t actually show anyone. So it was the video game equilvent of playing Barbie crossed with dungeons and dragons. Even though there was some pretty good story telling and I played it threw twice. Once being nicer that the archangel Gabriel and other being the most evil mother fucker who ever lived. The problem was . Being so evil I actually killed more people and did worse things that the supreme baddie in the game. And still the inhabitants of albeion expected me to save them. The baddies was sitting there engineering to be king or something and I was strolling around killing people selling their houses and then killing the new people in their house then selling it again. Chopping up peasants and police that had the misfortune to be programmed to run up to me. But at no point did the good folk say hand on this jack of blades bloke is nice that Conroy lets let him be king and get rid of this fucker who’s killing us. Or allow me to team up with jack of blades and do some evil tag team on the land the likes of witch has never been before. So generally being good or evil had no bearing on the plot. Just weather you killed npc or gave them food. Hopefully it will feel a bit like your actions change the plot a bit.
But how molenux has got one over on me.
Basically fable 2 relise is very soon and they have relised the pub games on xbox live. And you can play in advace and win money and items for you character that you going to play. I play good first as the plot makes more sense that way (see above). Then evil when I know the entire plot and want to crush the populous. In the gambling games there is a button witch makes you place the same as you’re last bet on one of the rue let/ craps games. And In the black jack type game it places the max bet for you. One time I booted to try and win some virtual dosh for a game that isn’t even out yet, I tried to plays the max bet and pressed the wrong button and the cards started to deal. I went ohh nadgers and pressed the max bet button to try to change it. and it did! But then I noted that I only parted with the min bet. So I checked this over a few goes. Basically you only spend 150 but it acts like you have bet 1500. so evan on the smallest win you win 1000, and all for a tint stake. So I got myself out of debt and won some items. Because in the games blurb, if you are in dept, the bailiffs come after you. (Now this is the bit I’m probably not supposed to talk about) a friend of mine (you can guess who) met up with one of the games makers. He spoke to he for a while the went “hahaha your games got a bug in that my mate found so you can win all this money” the game maker says “yes we know, its in on purpose, so if you find it and use it you character is a corrupt cheat. The game records it all and the other npcs act accordingly. that’s all im telling you”. I was incredibly shocked that the sheer cunning of the games developers for this. So im going to start the game and my bloke is going to have “big vinnie and his boys” baying for blood and wanting to cut my face.
Hats of to molenux
Peter molinux should normal keep his mouth shut whilst his games are in development. He promises the earth and then when it proves not possible he has to offer grovelling apologies. (See black & white, and fable). Im quite looking forward to fable. My one gripe with the first one was you made your character look cool there choices and actions and stuff, but it wasn’t online so you couldn’t actually show anyone. So it was the video game equilvent of playing Barbie crossed with dungeons and dragons. Even though there was some pretty good story telling and I played it threw twice. Once being nicer that the archangel Gabriel and other being the most evil mother fucker who ever lived. The problem was . Being so evil I actually killed more people and did worse things that the supreme baddie in the game. And still the inhabitants of albeion expected me to save them. The baddies was sitting there engineering to be king or something and I was strolling around killing people selling their houses and then killing the new people in their house then selling it again. Chopping up peasants and police that had the misfortune to be programmed to run up to me. But at no point did the good folk say hand on this jack of blades bloke is nice that Conroy lets let him be king and get rid of this fucker who’s killing us. Or allow me to team up with jack of blades and do some evil tag team on the land the likes of witch has never been before. So generally being good or evil had no bearing on the plot. Just weather you killed npc or gave them food. Hopefully it will feel a bit like your actions change the plot a bit.
But how molenux has got one over on me.
Basically fable 2 relise is very soon and they have relised the pub games on xbox live. And you can play in advace and win money and items for you character that you going to play. I play good first as the plot makes more sense that way (see above). Then evil when I know the entire plot and want to crush the populous. In the gambling games there is a button witch makes you place the same as you’re last bet on one of the rue let/ craps games. And In the black jack type game it places the max bet for you. One time I booted to try and win some virtual dosh for a game that isn’t even out yet, I tried to plays the max bet and pressed the wrong button and the cards started to deal. I went ohh nadgers and pressed the max bet button to try to change it. and it did! But then I noted that I only parted with the min bet. So I checked this over a few goes. Basically you only spend 150 but it acts like you have bet 1500. so evan on the smallest win you win 1000, and all for a tint stake. So I got myself out of debt and won some items. Because in the games blurb, if you are in dept, the bailiffs come after you. (Now this is the bit I’m probably not supposed to talk about) a friend of mine (you can guess who) met up with one of the games makers. He spoke to he for a while the went “hahaha your games got a bug in that my mate found so you can win all this money” the game maker says “yes we know, its in on purpose, so if you find it and use it you character is a corrupt cheat. The game records it all and the other npcs act accordingly. that’s all im telling you”. I was incredibly shocked that the sheer cunning of the games developers for this. So im going to start the game and my bloke is going to have “big vinnie and his boys” baying for blood and wanting to cut my face.
Hats of to molenux
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Bad games
Now im not quite original old school when it comes to gaming. I didn’t have a Atari with pong on it. Mainly cos I wasn’t rich enough. I started in the 8 bit 80’s. When games had life’s and flashed and gittered and kids foamed at the mouth and they had to put warnings about seizures on the boxes. Now games don’t have lifes or trys so much any more. Check points and save point are the order of the day. (and shiny over the top blooming if you play anything made by bungie, ubi, or crytech). The plague of my life is attachment points on the xbox 360. Joy of joys there bringing them out on the ps3 aswell, another thing to ruin my life. No I don’t relly care how high my gamer score is. I just see that theres attachment points to be got and I see that as completing the game. If there points to get then the games not done. Some games are sensible and distribute the ponts with lvls of the game. Others are ridiculous to the point of ill health to the player. One game and I think its ghost recon has an attachment to play online against other players around the world for 8 hours with out stopping. Continues 8 hours of play. At that point gamings not fun it’s a job. For some one with asberges syndrome. (No I haven’t got that attachment. But I have played games for 8 hours without stopping before). In the 8 bit days it was all about up down left right A and B. getting you infinite lives or a level select. Infinite lves was good. Because it ment you just started the lvl again and didn’t have to do an hours of gaming again. And a lvl salect was pretty much a rudimentary way of saveing before machines had memory cards etc… with the birth of playstation and memory cards. Cheats pretty much went out of the window with me and I took a snobby view of people that used them. Whats the point of playing the game if your going to be invincible. Just walking the game. Or just skipping to the last level and that’s it then claming you have completed it. from time to time I still read an online gide to help get pash a puzzle of section of a game. (barring and J RPGS or GTA game coz theer desinded for you to have the guide on your lap as you play)
Then come along alone in the dark. (2008) where one of its big sell points on the back of the box is dvd stile scean skipping. So no one need get stuck at the game. Just scip to the next point. You litraly can skip to the very end of the game. The game is not so good. It seems relesded not finished. But still if a games biggest selling point is you don’t actulay have to play it. whats the point.
If you buy games, then use cheats to skip to the end of infinite health or use anything like action replay. I think your really wasteing you money. Would you buy a dvd, scean skip to the end and then say you had seen it. if any kind of games are hard and I need then to get parst points. Then I think you may benefit form another hobby.
Now im not quite original old school when it comes to gaming. I didn’t have a Atari with pong on it. Mainly cos I wasn’t rich enough. I started in the 8 bit 80’s. When games had life’s and flashed and gittered and kids foamed at the mouth and they had to put warnings about seizures on the boxes. Now games don’t have lifes or trys so much any more. Check points and save point are the order of the day. (and shiny over the top blooming if you play anything made by bungie, ubi, or crytech). The plague of my life is attachment points on the xbox 360. Joy of joys there bringing them out on the ps3 aswell, another thing to ruin my life. No I don’t relly care how high my gamer score is. I just see that theres attachment points to be got and I see that as completing the game. If there points to get then the games not done. Some games are sensible and distribute the ponts with lvls of the game. Others are ridiculous to the point of ill health to the player. One game and I think its ghost recon has an attachment to play online against other players around the world for 8 hours with out stopping. Continues 8 hours of play. At that point gamings not fun it’s a job. For some one with asberges syndrome. (No I haven’t got that attachment. But I have played games for 8 hours without stopping before). In the 8 bit days it was all about up down left right A and B. getting you infinite lives or a level select. Infinite lves was good. Because it ment you just started the lvl again and didn’t have to do an hours of gaming again. And a lvl salect was pretty much a rudimentary way of saveing before machines had memory cards etc… with the birth of playstation and memory cards. Cheats pretty much went out of the window with me and I took a snobby view of people that used them. Whats the point of playing the game if your going to be invincible. Just walking the game. Or just skipping to the last level and that’s it then claming you have completed it. from time to time I still read an online gide to help get pash a puzzle of section of a game. (barring and J RPGS or GTA game coz theer desinded for you to have the guide on your lap as you play)
Then come along alone in the dark. (2008) where one of its big sell points on the back of the box is dvd stile scean skipping. So no one need get stuck at the game. Just scip to the next point. You litraly can skip to the very end of the game. The game is not so good. It seems relesded not finished. But still if a games biggest selling point is you don’t actulay have to play it. whats the point.
If you buy games, then use cheats to skip to the end of infinite health or use anything like action replay. I think your really wasteing you money. Would you buy a dvd, scean skip to the end and then say you had seen it. if any kind of games are hard and I need then to get parst points. Then I think you may benefit form another hobby.
Monday, September 01, 2008
Survival of the piss swamp 1998 - 2008-09-01
After last years ball ache with the boats flooding and the line up witch can generously be described as a cavalcade of mediocrity. I wasn’t really looking forward to reading. The line up looked good. I had been convinced to go there a day early. So Wednesday to Monday living in squalor. I was expecting every thing to go wrong. On the way there I was a toss up between threw town or the super sneaky rout that my self and millwall travel by to avoid traffic. But it was night so it wasn’t nessery. But out of tradition we did it any way. But about 2 miles from white camp we encounter a fallen tree almost entirely blocking the road. A torrent of foul language and much steering wheel bashing was just about to commence when we realised we could just about squeeze past it. We arrived with no early tickets and I was expecting the worst. Then we could just buy them on the door (as it where). Withing 45 mins tent where put up and we had a little fire going and beer was being consumed. I was all good. It was about this time that my body realised it was in a field. Didn’t like it and made me ill. (that is the reading way). And I spent the weekend balancing the about of imudum in my system in proportion to proximity to “good” toilets. Well I say toilets. I mean poo troths. And to be honest there the best thay have ever been. And they have slowly got better every year over the 10 years I have been going. But but public health standards they are ungodly. I saw some awesome bands. Saw friends. Drank beer. And that’s what readings all about for me. Dishing out chilli vodka and watching people squirm is always funny. Its in interesting social experiment in peer pressure.
No I dint go see rage. Coz any band witch has a larger banner saying the “battle for Leeds / reading.” Is on par with slipknot calling its fans the maggot corps. I shake my head and tut.
Will I go again?
Well time will tell. But 10 years and a good reading might be the right time to retire.
As next year I will be around 10 years older than the average age of the festivalgoer. Maybe time to find another thing for us all to get together and do.
After last years ball ache with the boats flooding and the line up witch can generously be described as a cavalcade of mediocrity. I wasn’t really looking forward to reading. The line up looked good. I had been convinced to go there a day early. So Wednesday to Monday living in squalor. I was expecting every thing to go wrong. On the way there I was a toss up between threw town or the super sneaky rout that my self and millwall travel by to avoid traffic. But it was night so it wasn’t nessery. But out of tradition we did it any way. But about 2 miles from white camp we encounter a fallen tree almost entirely blocking the road. A torrent of foul language and much steering wheel bashing was just about to commence when we realised we could just about squeeze past it. We arrived with no early tickets and I was expecting the worst. Then we could just buy them on the door (as it where). Withing 45 mins tent where put up and we had a little fire going and beer was being consumed. I was all good. It was about this time that my body realised it was in a field. Didn’t like it and made me ill. (that is the reading way). And I spent the weekend balancing the about of imudum in my system in proportion to proximity to “good” toilets. Well I say toilets. I mean poo troths. And to be honest there the best thay have ever been. And they have slowly got better every year over the 10 years I have been going. But but public health standards they are ungodly. I saw some awesome bands. Saw friends. Drank beer. And that’s what readings all about for me. Dishing out chilli vodka and watching people squirm is always funny. Its in interesting social experiment in peer pressure.
No I dint go see rage. Coz any band witch has a larger banner saying the “battle for Leeds / reading.” Is on par with slipknot calling its fans the maggot corps. I shake my head and tut.
Will I go again?
Well time will tell. But 10 years and a good reading might be the right time to retire.
As next year I will be around 10 years older than the average age of the festivalgoer. Maybe time to find another thing for us all to get together and do.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Food digressing in to cinema
As I lost my lunch brake looking for gifts for my wife and brother, it only left me with enough time for 1 of the 2 “fast food” places in Farnborough. Burger king and subway. I go to sub way once a week. And its shit. They try to fuck you there every way they can. I have to put it to burger king and MacDonald’s. Their regular and super size or whatever there sizes are called prices are displayed. Where as subway are more insidious. They have questions they fire at you that don’t sound like it’s going to cost anything. The most evil is “do you want cheese on both sides?” what they are really asking is do you want extra cheese witch you will be charged for. There is so many ways that you could interpreted “on both sides”. So rediculse. They also offer. Double meat and a free drink. With no so much of a hint that it will cost more. They kinda just stand there asking you slightly odd questions and adding to your bill of a over prised roll. And no its not fucking healthy its all prossed meat. Its all ham salarmi and processed turkey. All with lots of fat and salt. So no its not healthy fast food. Its like MacDonald brought in those salads as a healthy option but if you had the dressing on them it made them more fat and callerys than a big mac. Lets face it all of the fast food places foods are about as palatable as the united colours of bennetons 90’s ad campaign.
Next I will attack cinemas.
Popcorn. What the fuck. I recon over 40% of that gets spilt. So they give that to you in a pale. I don’t like popcorn. The best popcorn is stuff you make yourself from scratch with a popcorn maker puffed with hot air. I got a kilo of corn from some health food place. It was less than a pound. And it made more popcorn than you could shake a stick at. And I know these place have heat light and Mongoloid staff to pay. But also they must get there corn cheaper. Less than a handful of unpoped corn makes what they put in those buckets and cost a few pence and they charge around a fiver. Drinks are the same as that syrup coke from fast food places . Pence per litre. Pick and mix im from the old school where 1 sweet used to be 1 p. now its buy weight. Measly amount of candy shrimps cost you a fiver. The rising ticket prises.
It not inflation its greed. Its not the credit crunch forcing up the cost of air inflated corn that’s going to get thrown all over an uncomftable chair with enough legroom for people under 4’8” its not just money its comfort.
Why go to the cinema when I can see it at home, why have a coke when I can have a beer, why sit with nosy little yobs when I can have my own sofa. Stop the film when I need a piss.
People are not pirating films purely for cost, it’s for convenience. I hate film piracy. I have only had one pirate film in my life. And it was of a Hong Kong film I was unlikely to see. In the end I did see it in the cinema. I had to go in the middle of the night to some cinema in woodly. And I got the dvd. So I think I made a mends there. If I get offered a watch of a downloaded film dodgy dvd I refuse.
The only place to see films is at the cinema, it such and experience. But im just starting to hate what its becoming.
100 years of cinema, ill always rember that day. Every film every ware in britton was £1. so I went a bit over the top and watched 4. it would have been 5 but I couldn’t be bothered to get up so early. Golden eye, creatcher from the black lagoon in 3d , city hall , 12 monkeys. What a day and what a quadruple bill.
As I lost my lunch brake looking for gifts for my wife and brother, it only left me with enough time for 1 of the 2 “fast food” places in Farnborough. Burger king and subway. I go to sub way once a week. And its shit. They try to fuck you there every way they can. I have to put it to burger king and MacDonald’s. Their regular and super size or whatever there sizes are called prices are displayed. Where as subway are more insidious. They have questions they fire at you that don’t sound like it’s going to cost anything. The most evil is “do you want cheese on both sides?” what they are really asking is do you want extra cheese witch you will be charged for. There is so many ways that you could interpreted “on both sides”. So rediculse. They also offer. Double meat and a free drink. With no so much of a hint that it will cost more. They kinda just stand there asking you slightly odd questions and adding to your bill of a over prised roll. And no its not fucking healthy its all prossed meat. Its all ham salarmi and processed turkey. All with lots of fat and salt. So no its not healthy fast food. Its like MacDonald brought in those salads as a healthy option but if you had the dressing on them it made them more fat and callerys than a big mac. Lets face it all of the fast food places foods are about as palatable as the united colours of bennetons 90’s ad campaign.
Next I will attack cinemas.
Popcorn. What the fuck. I recon over 40% of that gets spilt. So they give that to you in a pale. I don’t like popcorn. The best popcorn is stuff you make yourself from scratch with a popcorn maker puffed with hot air. I got a kilo of corn from some health food place. It was less than a pound. And it made more popcorn than you could shake a stick at. And I know these place have heat light and Mongoloid staff to pay. But also they must get there corn cheaper. Less than a handful of unpoped corn makes what they put in those buckets and cost a few pence and they charge around a fiver. Drinks are the same as that syrup coke from fast food places . Pence per litre. Pick and mix im from the old school where 1 sweet used to be 1 p. now its buy weight. Measly amount of candy shrimps cost you a fiver. The rising ticket prises.
It not inflation its greed. Its not the credit crunch forcing up the cost of air inflated corn that’s going to get thrown all over an uncomftable chair with enough legroom for people under 4’8” its not just money its comfort.
Why go to the cinema when I can see it at home, why have a coke when I can have a beer, why sit with nosy little yobs when I can have my own sofa. Stop the film when I need a piss.
People are not pirating films purely for cost, it’s for convenience. I hate film piracy. I have only had one pirate film in my life. And it was of a Hong Kong film I was unlikely to see. In the end I did see it in the cinema. I had to go in the middle of the night to some cinema in woodly. And I got the dvd. So I think I made a mends there. If I get offered a watch of a downloaded film dodgy dvd I refuse.
The only place to see films is at the cinema, it such and experience. But im just starting to hate what its becoming.
100 years of cinema, ill always rember that day. Every film every ware in britton was £1. so I went a bit over the top and watched 4. it would have been 5 but I couldn’t be bothered to get up so early. Golden eye, creatcher from the black lagoon in 3d , city hall , 12 monkeys. What a day and what a quadruple bill.
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
blood ticket machine
Got a bit cut off there, what I was saying about the parking machines. Is in Aldershot its 2 sterling’s and 80 of your new pence to park or the day.
So logically the fewest coins you can carry to pay for this is, a 2 pound coin a fifty, a twenty and a ten. The machine has no problem with 2 pound coins on 1 pound coins, fifty’s are fine too. It just doesn’t like any denomination less than a 50.
So you can stand there popping in 20 pence pieces till you have totally missed you day at work. Spin them, slam them, spit on them. Every old vending machine coin insertion trice has been used.
I don’t know why the counsel dost doesn’t say 3 quid and be done with it coz that’s what everyone’s paying.
2 theory’s on this.
if some one over pays do they still pay vat on the 20p extra. Lot of cars park in Aldershot every day. It all adds up. Is it money laundering, arms dealing, some secret agenises slush fund, or some bloke at rushmoore pocketing an extra few grand a year its only 30 cars over paying that’s 6 pounds a day over a year that’s over 2 grand. I think im on to some conspiracy here.
its total pikey around here and the counsel just wants to rip you off in the most pikeyest fair ground way even before you working day has started. To be fair I think this is the more likely. The counsel is in caravans here.
So back to the blood. bit strange I though and eeeeewwwww coz I don’t really like my blood being on the wrong side of my skin let alone other peoples and having to touch it
Maybe some one snapped, lost their will to live at the machine not taking their 20p and repeatedly beat their head into it screaming and pleading for it to dispense a ticket. There was no body there. Quite glad of that.
Or someone had tried everything possible to pay and get a ticket. Only thing left offering a blood sacrifice. Now I don’t really know how these work. But I assume there quite messy. Also probably best not viewed by the squeamish.
But it could explain the state the machine was in
Or then again it could just have been some emo’s
Got a bit cut off there, what I was saying about the parking machines. Is in Aldershot its 2 sterling’s and 80 of your new pence to park or the day.
So logically the fewest coins you can carry to pay for this is, a 2 pound coin a fifty, a twenty and a ten. The machine has no problem with 2 pound coins on 1 pound coins, fifty’s are fine too. It just doesn’t like any denomination less than a 50.
So you can stand there popping in 20 pence pieces till you have totally missed you day at work. Spin them, slam them, spit on them. Every old vending machine coin insertion trice has been used.
I don’t know why the counsel dost doesn’t say 3 quid and be done with it coz that’s what everyone’s paying.
2 theory’s on this.
if some one over pays do they still pay vat on the 20p extra. Lot of cars park in Aldershot every day. It all adds up. Is it money laundering, arms dealing, some secret agenises slush fund, or some bloke at rushmoore pocketing an extra few grand a year its only 30 cars over paying that’s 6 pounds a day over a year that’s over 2 grand. I think im on to some conspiracy here.
its total pikey around here and the counsel just wants to rip you off in the most pikeyest fair ground way even before you working day has started. To be fair I think this is the more likely. The counsel is in caravans here.
So back to the blood. bit strange I though and eeeeewwwww coz I don’t really like my blood being on the wrong side of my skin let alone other peoples and having to touch it
Maybe some one snapped, lost their will to live at the machine not taking their 20p and repeatedly beat their head into it screaming and pleading for it to dispense a ticket. There was no body there. Quite glad of that.
Or someone had tried everything possible to pay and get a ticket. Only thing left offering a blood sacrifice. Now I don’t really know how these work. But I assume there quite messy. Also probably best not viewed by the squeamish.
But it could explain the state the machine was in
Or then again it could just have been some emo’s
Monday, August 04, 2008
A monumental act of willpower got me out of bed today. Mondays always hard to get out of bed. Especially when the wife’s there too. It’s like having a hot water bottle in bed. And the rest of the planet is frozen rusty infected nails. Nothing else that’s all there is. Witch pretty much subs up Aldershot. I park up and get to the ticket machine….. Witch is covered in blood.
Another day in Aldershot……. joy
got cut off. will contune this later probubly posted above
Another day in Aldershot……. joy
got cut off. will contune this later probubly posted above
Friday, July 11, 2008
Monday, July 07, 2008
The true evilness of the kitten has been displayed
It did its userwall jump on me and try to put is bum hole on my face when I'm asleep like it does every morning. It was still dark, and about 4:30 so I swatted him away. Relentless her persevered in his evil trying to tea bag me ritual. So I got up and gave it some go cats, as he chopped away on those I hobbled back up to bed. Yes my foot is still ruined. In my error I closed the door. So 15 mins later he was smashing the door in as well as a cat can….. Not really but very nosily. So I let him in and jumped back into bed. He pounced on me. And I flicked him with my foot. I musty have caught him unawares and slightly harder than intended. He fell off the bed. “sorry cat…. But I need to sleep. Lay down and do the same”
Next thing I know there’s one of his attention grabbing “meeerrrrrrp” meaow things he does when he wants me to look at something or say hello, I’m not sure. I open my eyes and hes next to my bed next to my pint of water. He looks into my eyes. Rises a poor and places it on the rim of the glass. “oi” I shout far to loud for the hour. He looks at me harder and sort of smiles. Then slowly just tips the glass over fast enough for me to not be able to catch it, but slow enough so I can watch is spill. Whilst not breaking his evil stare from me. Then trots off and curls up purring and goes to sleep whilst I’m hobbling about trying to stop things from getting damaged.
Malicious little git
It did its userwall jump on me and try to put is bum hole on my face when I'm asleep like it does every morning. It was still dark, and about 4:30 so I swatted him away. Relentless her persevered in his evil trying to tea bag me ritual. So I got up and gave it some go cats, as he chopped away on those I hobbled back up to bed. Yes my foot is still ruined. In my error I closed the door. So 15 mins later he was smashing the door in as well as a cat can….. Not really but very nosily. So I let him in and jumped back into bed. He pounced on me. And I flicked him with my foot. I musty have caught him unawares and slightly harder than intended. He fell off the bed. “sorry cat…. But I need to sleep. Lay down and do the same”
Next thing I know there’s one of his attention grabbing “meeerrrrrrp” meaow things he does when he wants me to look at something or say hello, I’m not sure. I open my eyes and hes next to my bed next to my pint of water. He looks into my eyes. Rises a poor and places it on the rim of the glass. “oi” I shout far to loud for the hour. He looks at me harder and sort of smiles. Then slowly just tips the glass over fast enough for me to not be able to catch it, but slow enough so I can watch is spill. Whilst not breaking his evil stare from me. Then trots off and curls up purring and goes to sleep whilst I’m hobbling about trying to stop things from getting damaged.
Malicious little git
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
The wedding weekend
Clashing social occasions and important events always happens to me… no I'm not talking about the European cup… or pissing tennis stuff I’m talking about doctor who
Yeah what’s the osterhargen key, isn’t it a paradox if he regenerates before meeting river song again…. Ohh the excitement…. Unfortunately doctor who lately looks like it going to be super exciting …. But then just doesn’t deliver. It just seems to always have a cheep cop out type resolution. Like last seasons rewind time tuned into the world network gives the doctor super powers. It dose seem to be the more fun is in the build up than the finish. A bit like how my mrs must feel…. Its all over a bit quick and all that left to do after is have dinner.
Would be really good if it is the end of tennent as the doctor as it would be a really big surprise, that some how in this world of spoilers and newspapers leecking who leaving and coming back that they have managed to keep it secret.
Well I had to watch doctor who on iplayer (bless the internet) as I was a chelles b’day meal. In the very good Mexican in Salisbury. In fear of one of my geeky chums phoning me and spoiling doctor who. All of witch are going crazy scowering the inter net for clues as to whether tennent is leaving or not. I don’t want him too…. But it will make the show more exciting if he does…. I like it when no one is safe anyone can be killed off at any moment.
Then it was millwalls big day. Bless him he was a bit shitting him self when we got there. I wouldn’t describe millwall as the fonz but normally hes got things under control. And it was a little unnerving that he was a tad panicky but it was the biggest day of his life so bless him. All I could do was give him a man hug and wish him well.
What can I say?
Best wedding I have ever been to. Millwall and mrs millwall planning was perfect. All went off with out a hitch. Speeches where funny and clever. Booze flowed. Fun all round. And just to complete the day I injured myself. Sal leg I did on the stag doo. I sit here foot swollen unable to put a shoe on as I type this. I couldn’t resist climbing on the giant jenga. It was fine and reasonably impressive until is started to be wobbled…. Then I went to jump off a child ran in the way. In my effort to not kill the child…. Killing kids at weddings is probably frowned upon. So to avoid this I slipped sideways and landed badly on my foot. Witch is now filled with blood or something. Quite a cool looking burse. And if I stand on it the pain is amazing but I feel the burse squish…. Awesome.
No better way to honour a mate’s matrimony that smashing my leg up twice
Clashing social occasions and important events always happens to me… no I'm not talking about the European cup… or pissing tennis stuff I’m talking about doctor who
Yeah what’s the osterhargen key, isn’t it a paradox if he regenerates before meeting river song again…. Ohh the excitement…. Unfortunately doctor who lately looks like it going to be super exciting …. But then just doesn’t deliver. It just seems to always have a cheep cop out type resolution. Like last seasons rewind time tuned into the world network gives the doctor super powers. It dose seem to be the more fun is in the build up than the finish. A bit like how my mrs must feel…. Its all over a bit quick and all that left to do after is have dinner.
Would be really good if it is the end of tennent as the doctor as it would be a really big surprise, that some how in this world of spoilers and newspapers leecking who leaving and coming back that they have managed to keep it secret.
Well I had to watch doctor who on iplayer (bless the internet) as I was a chelles b’day meal. In the very good Mexican in Salisbury. In fear of one of my geeky chums phoning me and spoiling doctor who. All of witch are going crazy scowering the inter net for clues as to whether tennent is leaving or not. I don’t want him too…. But it will make the show more exciting if he does…. I like it when no one is safe anyone can be killed off at any moment.
Then it was millwalls big day. Bless him he was a bit shitting him self when we got there. I wouldn’t describe millwall as the fonz but normally hes got things under control. And it was a little unnerving that he was a tad panicky but it was the biggest day of his life so bless him. All I could do was give him a man hug and wish him well.
What can I say?
Best wedding I have ever been to. Millwall and mrs millwall planning was perfect. All went off with out a hitch. Speeches where funny and clever. Booze flowed. Fun all round. And just to complete the day I injured myself. Sal leg I did on the stag doo. I sit here foot swollen unable to put a shoe on as I type this. I couldn’t resist climbing on the giant jenga. It was fine and reasonably impressive until is started to be wobbled…. Then I went to jump off a child ran in the way. In my effort to not kill the child…. Killing kids at weddings is probably frowned upon. So to avoid this I slipped sideways and landed badly on my foot. Witch is now filled with blood or something. Quite a cool looking burse. And if I stand on it the pain is amazing but I feel the burse squish…. Awesome.
No better way to honour a mate’s matrimony that smashing my leg up twice
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
The stag
Well went off without a hitch. Trust everyone had a good time. Millwall should get married more often so we can have a proper piss up like that again. I’m not suggesting he get divorced, more have an anniversary stag doo. I think that would catch on with blokes.
Well he didn’t get pranked to bad. We had nothing planned. He just got a quick dip in a skanky fountain.
Then desided It was my turn. No chance, I legged it threw moving traffic, the down the stare of the tube. Jumped the first lot. Jumped the second. I was well away from the people chaseing. Then the 3rd. the 3rd lot where slightly longer. And ceiling lower. Smashed my head into the roof above the bottom stares. And then landed badly coy my leg swang out. Twisted my knee and ankle. Witch generally put an end to another wise pretty good bit of free running in my mind. To the sober view its was some lumbering drunk falling down the stairs and only just managing to escape serious injury. Or hurting the rock and roll crazy busker at the bottom.
I moand to unsympathetic mates, about my injuries. And all was fine. Hurt but I was drunk enough to not feel the extent of it.
3 am im woken by a sharp and execrating pain. The lovely cat is sinking his teeth into the Achilles tendon of my damaged leg. I hop out of bed to get away from him and promptly realise that with out my lovely beer ansetic my leg is nadgered and promptly fall over. How did the pissing cat know that that was probably the most painful place to bight that point and me on that day. I tell you hes evil. Maybe hes getting me back for treading on him. (NOT ON PURPOSE) he has a habit of running in front of me under my feet.
pics are up on the web of teh do not me falling won the staires.... unless tetes cctv footage...
or pics og me treading on a cat..... you sick pervert wanting to see pics of that.... cat snuff pics .... shame on you
Well went off without a hitch. Trust everyone had a good time. Millwall should get married more often so we can have a proper piss up like that again. I’m not suggesting he get divorced, more have an anniversary stag doo. I think that would catch on with blokes.
Well he didn’t get pranked to bad. We had nothing planned. He just got a quick dip in a skanky fountain.
Then desided It was my turn. No chance, I legged it threw moving traffic, the down the stare of the tube. Jumped the first lot. Jumped the second. I was well away from the people chaseing. Then the 3rd. the 3rd lot where slightly longer. And ceiling lower. Smashed my head into the roof above the bottom stares. And then landed badly coy my leg swang out. Twisted my knee and ankle. Witch generally put an end to another wise pretty good bit of free running in my mind. To the sober view its was some lumbering drunk falling down the stairs and only just managing to escape serious injury. Or hurting the rock and roll crazy busker at the bottom.
I moand to unsympathetic mates, about my injuries. And all was fine. Hurt but I was drunk enough to not feel the extent of it.
3 am im woken by a sharp and execrating pain. The lovely cat is sinking his teeth into the Achilles tendon of my damaged leg. I hop out of bed to get away from him and promptly realise that with out my lovely beer ansetic my leg is nadgered and promptly fall over. How did the pissing cat know that that was probably the most painful place to bight that point and me on that day. I tell you hes evil. Maybe hes getting me back for treading on him. (NOT ON PURPOSE) he has a habit of running in front of me under my feet.
pics are up on the web of teh do not me falling won the staires.... unless tetes cctv footage...
or pics og me treading on a cat..... you sick pervert wanting to see pics of that.... cat snuff pics .... shame on you
Friday, May 30, 2008
CATS
In June last year we inherited a cat. In my June blog you can read how that worked out for me. Click on June in the left margin, I think the blog is called Cardiff and cats or something. I recall it being the same weekend I drove to see Richard herring.
Anyhoo four weeks ago I acquired a cat. Meaning that my new gaff now has two cats in it. I hate all animals indiscriminately anyway, so the fact that I have to feed and look after and keep alive something I dislike is a very odd emotional state for me. Keep the thing alive and happy so the mrs doesn’t chop off my nuts in my sleep and post them to marcush.
Thing is if this was an old cat, they just sleep a lot and id feed it and we would begrudgingly glare at each other occasionally like two grumpy old men and that would be tolerable. But the crazy thing is only 11 months old. And the thing is needy like a dog. If follows me around and doesn’t like going out. At 4.20 am on the dot it jumps on me every day. Waking me up. Only the scenario of telling my mrs that the cat must have committed suicide buy tieing itself in that mail bag with some brick and jumping in the canal stops me from doing it. I don’t this my suicide story is that convincing. I have learnt a lot from the cat. It fears the squeeze bottle of water. I just have to reach for it and the cat runs off. Im still not sure of the effect on catnip on it. I can’t tell if hes just being mental or it’s the catnip making him mental. But he love jumping and trying to shred my toes with is teeth and claws. This isn’t to handy when im doing important task like sleeping or getting beer from the fridge. One thing though. I have found a way that the cat and me can have fun together. With a laser. No im not cutting holes in him. He love chasing the dot produced my a laser pointer. I can make him run in rings about the place till he gets dizzy and puffed out and falls over and looks like hes going to die. I did panic when he did this the fist time. “im sorry dear he ran away” probably wasn’t going to cut it and “umm I gave your cat a massive heart attack with a laser” the truth didn’t seem that good eather. Lucky he recovered and I dint need to get some mains wires and resuscitate his little feline heart.
But this is what I see every 4:20 am as I open my eyes , the there is the loud growling purr, then the claws and teeth come. I took this photo as I woke up with him standing on my chest. And he is that close to my face
In June last year we inherited a cat. In my June blog you can read how that worked out for me. Click on June in the left margin, I think the blog is called Cardiff and cats or something. I recall it being the same weekend I drove to see Richard herring.
Anyhoo four weeks ago I acquired a cat. Meaning that my new gaff now has two cats in it. I hate all animals indiscriminately anyway, so the fact that I have to feed and look after and keep alive something I dislike is a very odd emotional state for me. Keep the thing alive and happy so the mrs doesn’t chop off my nuts in my sleep and post them to marcush.
Thing is if this was an old cat, they just sleep a lot and id feed it and we would begrudgingly glare at each other occasionally like two grumpy old men and that would be tolerable. But the crazy thing is only 11 months old. And the thing is needy like a dog. If follows me around and doesn’t like going out. At 4.20 am on the dot it jumps on me every day. Waking me up. Only the scenario of telling my mrs that the cat must have committed suicide buy tieing itself in that mail bag with some brick and jumping in the canal stops me from doing it. I don’t this my suicide story is that convincing. I have learnt a lot from the cat. It fears the squeeze bottle of water. I just have to reach for it and the cat runs off. Im still not sure of the effect on catnip on it. I can’t tell if hes just being mental or it’s the catnip making him mental. But he love jumping and trying to shred my toes with is teeth and claws. This isn’t to handy when im doing important task like sleeping or getting beer from the fridge. One thing though. I have found a way that the cat and me can have fun together. With a laser. No im not cutting holes in him. He love chasing the dot produced my a laser pointer. I can make him run in rings about the place till he gets dizzy and puffed out and falls over and looks like hes going to die. I did panic when he did this the fist time. “im sorry dear he ran away” probably wasn’t going to cut it and “umm I gave your cat a massive heart attack with a laser” the truth didn’t seem that good eather. Lucky he recovered and I dint need to get some mains wires and resuscitate his little feline heart.
But this is what I see every 4:20 am as I open my eyes , the there is the loud growling purr, then the claws and teeth come. I took this photo as I woke up with him standing on my chest. And he is that close to my face
Junk email.
Ive always got a large sum of junk email, at one stage I used to get around 60 Spam mails a day, now with Spam filters its only about 10. With the various promises of free hot Asian babes doing the unimaginable, herbal vigra, and some crazy free loan I thought id seen pretty much everything before. But then
COLON CLEANSE: FLUCH UP TO 20LBS FREE TRIAL
Dear lord!!! Internet discount sudo-medical procedures, next they will be offering Internet discount circumcisions. And 20 lbs that’s nearly a stone and a half (I think). You have got to be holding it in a bit if you have over a stone of hobo currency lodged in you. I know I have some pretty bad morning after 10 pints and a curry sit down appointments in my life that have used half a roll and needed multiple flushes. But I don’t think any of them sans loo paper where any ware approaching a stone in mass. They where probably approaching a ton in velocity tho.
My good friend millwall stag do is tomorrow, and the honourable Mr Rhodes and myself with the help of Dr. T Chizz and chellie-bean. Its does promise to be a large one. So im sure it will give me something to write about….. If I can rember any of it
God bless the HMS millwall and all who sail in him.
Ive always got a large sum of junk email, at one stage I used to get around 60 Spam mails a day, now with Spam filters its only about 10. With the various promises of free hot Asian babes doing the unimaginable, herbal vigra, and some crazy free loan I thought id seen pretty much everything before. But then
COLON CLEANSE: FLUCH UP TO 20LBS FREE TRIAL
Dear lord!!! Internet discount sudo-medical procedures, next they will be offering Internet discount circumcisions. And 20 lbs that’s nearly a stone and a half (I think). You have got to be holding it in a bit if you have over a stone of hobo currency lodged in you. I know I have some pretty bad morning after 10 pints and a curry sit down appointments in my life that have used half a roll and needed multiple flushes. But I don’t think any of them sans loo paper where any ware approaching a stone in mass. They where probably approaching a ton in velocity tho.
My good friend millwall stag do is tomorrow, and the honourable Mr Rhodes and myself with the help of Dr. T Chizz and chellie-bean. Its does promise to be a large one. So im sure it will give me something to write about….. If I can rember any of it
God bless the HMS millwall and all who sail in him.
Thursday, May 01, 2008
i know i said id try to do less of these, but heres another strange customer
“Hello can you fit these glasses please”
“Yes no problem ma'am , if you’d just like to pop them on”
“Why?”
“So I can see how they fit and what adjustments I need to make”
“They are not my glasses”
“Right….umm?”
“They are my friends”
“Is she coming to the shop?”
“No she’s on a cruse”
“Right…… well it’s a bit tricky to fit them without the person the are meant for here”
“ohh …. Really?”
“Well yeah. Because I don’t know what the person looks like so I don’t know what adjustments to make”
“Ohh I dint know……. I should have brought a photo”
Im fucking sorry ma’am I cant make these glasses fit an 8 by 10
“Hello can you fit these glasses please”
“Yes no problem ma'am , if you’d just like to pop them on”
“Why?”
“So I can see how they fit and what adjustments I need to make”
“They are not my glasses”
“Right….umm?”
“They are my friends”
“Is she coming to the shop?”
“No she’s on a cruse”
“Right…… well it’s a bit tricky to fit them without the person the are meant for here”
“ohh …. Really?”
“Well yeah. Because I don’t know what the person looks like so I don’t know what adjustments to make”
“Ohh I dint know……. I should have brought a photo”
Im fucking sorry ma’am I cant make these glasses fit an 8 by 10
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Carrier bags and bad food
You may have notices all this carrier bags are evening. There killing babies and rabbits and kitten, stuff that every ware. Yeah yeah fine ok they destroying the world just for the privilege of being able to carry my food home….. but I reuse the fucking things. I use them for carrying other shit around. And then bin bags. Coz eather fucking way id be using a plastic bag. So in sainsbry they’re giving away free fridge magnets to “try” to remind you to take a bag there and use that, rather than the evil carryerbags. That have already been made. Used the oil, and electricity and stuff to make them. Or is it just an advert for sainsbry every time you look at your fridge. But when the till tart said have you bought a bag today and I said…. Umm… nope…. Everyone looked at me like I was a cunt. The one person on the planet pissing in the swimming pool. Nay shitting in it spoiling it for everyone else. Just coz I used a bag to carry my stuff in. lets fucking face it its sainsbrys. 75% of the people who shop there own cars designed to cross arctic tundra, and do 3 miles to the gallon. So they will be saving the planet with there bags woven in sweat shops the contravine human rights laws.
At the end of the day Mother Nature will deside when we go the way of the dodo. Life will survive in one for or another the great cycle of evolution and extinction will continue. Just probably with different ways to carry shopping. And a way to breathe co2
Anyhow. Been scooping out places to have dinner and Chinese’s one take away has what I presume is a misprint in the menu. Makes even the most heartless of carnivorous humans pause before ordering
You may have notices all this carrier bags are evening. There killing babies and rabbits and kitten, stuff that every ware. Yeah yeah fine ok they destroying the world just for the privilege of being able to carry my food home….. but I reuse the fucking things. I use them for carrying other shit around. And then bin bags. Coz eather fucking way id be using a plastic bag. So in sainsbry they’re giving away free fridge magnets to “try” to remind you to take a bag there and use that, rather than the evil carryerbags. That have already been made. Used the oil, and electricity and stuff to make them. Or is it just an advert for sainsbry every time you look at your fridge. But when the till tart said have you bought a bag today and I said…. Umm… nope…. Everyone looked at me like I was a cunt. The one person on the planet pissing in the swimming pool. Nay shitting in it spoiling it for everyone else. Just coz I used a bag to carry my stuff in. lets fucking face it its sainsbrys. 75% of the people who shop there own cars designed to cross arctic tundra, and do 3 miles to the gallon. So they will be saving the planet with there bags woven in sweat shops the contravine human rights laws.
At the end of the day Mother Nature will deside when we go the way of the dodo. Life will survive in one for or another the great cycle of evolution and extinction will continue. Just probably with different ways to carry shopping. And a way to breathe co2
Anyhow. Been scooping out places to have dinner and Chinese’s one take away has what I presume is a misprint in the menu. Makes even the most heartless of carnivorous humans pause before ordering
Duckling dishes
Monday, April 07, 2008
the weekend in pictures
it was the esfr paintball. one of the only reasons i ever get out of bed before 8am. the only other reson i can think of is a middle of the night piss. and as of yet i have found no other good reason to get up at such ungodly hours. and then im sure if i wasnt such a prude id use a bottle.
alas the paintball was not to be. in fleet there was almost 2 inches of snow. my poor car wheel spun out of the drive. and the M3 was bad, i thought on 2 junctions of m3 surly the 25 will be gritted. it may have been . it was just hard to tell under all the snow and blizard going on. trafic crept at 20mph between crashes. and with a heavy heart i desisded to turn back. we drove almost half way there before i desided time wise we wherent going to get there untill around 11, and that we may not get there without injery. it was a peril scale of 9. when we got home safly to sum up what we did was go on an hour and a half snow drive on the m25, yeah it was exciteing.... but not the kind of excitment i wanted.... ohh well there always the next one
the guys who did make it said it was a crazy day. the people we where playing refused to play because we where too intimadateing. a few guys do have to much of there own gear. so they spent teh day mucking about having a few games. they still had a laugh.
ohh well
Friday, March 14, 2008
Karma’s a funny old thing
I don’t really believe in karma per say. But I do believe that if your nice to people and do good things, the more likely people are to help you out when you’re in a fix. Say you do something good for someone and make there day the change is they do something good for someone else and the chain will go on, and on and infinite time line it will come back to you. If you are just a cunt then no ones gonna help you when you need to change a tire or put in a good character reference at you sexual harassment tribuneral.
That’s sort of what karma is so ill just call it that.
I was feeling like I was coming down with an evil cough cold man flu, thanks to my housemate who must have been gobbing in my coco pops. I went to a big supermarket to buy some soup and some bedding im not telling you wich one just incase the send there hit squad for me, but hint the sign is green they are called Wal-Mart in America, there adverts have people slapping there arse, and bill baily isn’t going to be there bitch. I got the bedding shelf and there’s some pretty reasonably priced stuff there. Well its very chip compared to everyware else. I know its made in a sweat shop in the middle of some boiling country by children not even old enough to have grown milk teeth yet, but hay everyone’s got to have a job. And let face it ive been with the mrs a wile now. “Honeymoon periods over love” I don’t need to impress her. Just convince her to do my washing. So I pick up a fitted sheet and quilt cover that comes with 2 pillowcases. I go in to the cloths bit and get myself a shirt for work, and some chicken soup as I m feeling a bit peeky. I get to the tills and the ques are extremely long. But people in Farnborough are scared of fire and technology so the self-service tills are pretty much empty. I jump on one of those.
PLESE SCAN YOUR FIRST ITEM
I wave the tin of soup around enthusiastically and the till doesn’t beep. I wave it about the place as if doing a rain dance. Still nothing. This bar code scanning shit is a really hard job. More respect for till tarts now. Evenuly it works.
PLEASE SCAN YOUR NEXT ITEM OR PAY
The sheet, doesn’t scan at first then says unidentified item error error. Please put item on scales
PLESE PUT ITEM ON SCALES
The screen has rang up the sheet, but it want to sell it to my but weight. I do as it says. It charges me 15 pence, 97% discount. I like that
I scan the covers the ring up at some random price too, my shirt come up at the correct price.
I pay quickly and leave with my total shopping bill under half price. The till made a legal contract on price with me there not a damn thing they can do…… I hope.
MWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
I get back to work and the phone rings but I have to hang up on them, as there is a customer in the shop…. I call back 20 mins later. Hi this is the west end centre. We had a spare ticket for that Richard herring gig you wanted to see. You hung up on us so we may have sold it to someone else…. The guy goes of and comes back. Yep we still have one. I pretty much bight his had off via the phone. Cheep shopping and a gig ticket. CHA-MUTHERFOOOKING-CHING!!!
Got to go to the gig on my own tho… but im a big boy I can wipe my own bum now too. As long as there’s those candoo frog wipe things.
Two good things happen out of the blue….. Two bad things must happen too
At home whilst examining my goods. I notice my shirt is short sleeved and not long like I wanted…. Bugger. And im to scared to look at the sheets just incase there are a single or something and not a king as labelled up…. knowing my luck there probably second hand….
I go of to the gig thing well that wasn’t too bad cheep shopping not quite what I wanted, but cheep shopping non the less
The gig was good fun; even tho it was sold out I had an empty seat next to me. So I could have taken someone. Richard herring gives away free programs for the show, and just asks that you throw some dosh into a bucket for scope. He’s raised £20000, and programs at other shows ive been to have been between 5 and 15 sterlings so I think its only fair to give whatever ive got. I was in row c and there were half a dozen steps to the door. It was quite dark in there. And I needed to make sure I had parking change for the next day at work. I pretty much always have shit loads of coins. Sometimes as much as £20 I probably dint have that much tho. I tipped out coins into my hand with the intention of popping a few quid back in the wallet and putting around a fiver into the bucket. But then o tripped. Throwing coins everywhere. In the dark in a crowed of people. My guess it was about a tenner but ill never know. All I manage to puck up was £2.20 exactly what I needed for parking. And threw that in the bucket. I hope that they puck up the coins and put them in the bucket but the cleaner will probably have a pretty good tip. So I lost all the money I had saved threw the faulty till, got the wrong shirt, man flu and bedding im no too scared to open.
I got home thinking that will be a pretty good blog, hope I don’t waffle on to long so people get bored
I popped on a dvd and went to the fridge to see what beer we had left over from the party. All that was left was Carlsberg C2 witch some cheeky basterd had brought along and stuck in the communal beer. Who the fuck buys reduced alcohol beer. I thought ohh well. Probably do me good not consuming as much alcohol. I pick up and can and sit down. I go to open it but my Alcoholic spider sense is tingling. Its ok its just coz it low alcohol beer. I reach for the ring pull again, can’t do it, something wrong. Get a grip man I know its only 2% but is free. I know you have had stronger shandys but get your laughing gear around it. Na my alcoholic spider sense has properly gone off. I examine the can. Its over a fucking year passed its sell by date. What kind of cunt brings gone off low alcohol beer to a party.
No I didn’t fucking drink it anyway
I don’t really believe in karma per say. But I do believe that if your nice to people and do good things, the more likely people are to help you out when you’re in a fix. Say you do something good for someone and make there day the change is they do something good for someone else and the chain will go on, and on and infinite time line it will come back to you. If you are just a cunt then no ones gonna help you when you need to change a tire or put in a good character reference at you sexual harassment tribuneral.
That’s sort of what karma is so ill just call it that.
I was feeling like I was coming down with an evil cough cold man flu, thanks to my housemate who must have been gobbing in my coco pops. I went to a big supermarket to buy some soup and some bedding im not telling you wich one just incase the send there hit squad for me, but hint the sign is green they are called Wal-Mart in America, there adverts have people slapping there arse, and bill baily isn’t going to be there bitch. I got the bedding shelf and there’s some pretty reasonably priced stuff there. Well its very chip compared to everyware else. I know its made in a sweat shop in the middle of some boiling country by children not even old enough to have grown milk teeth yet, but hay everyone’s got to have a job. And let face it ive been with the mrs a wile now. “Honeymoon periods over love” I don’t need to impress her. Just convince her to do my washing. So I pick up a fitted sheet and quilt cover that comes with 2 pillowcases. I go in to the cloths bit and get myself a shirt for work, and some chicken soup as I m feeling a bit peeky. I get to the tills and the ques are extremely long. But people in Farnborough are scared of fire and technology so the self-service tills are pretty much empty. I jump on one of those.
PLESE SCAN YOUR FIRST ITEM
I wave the tin of soup around enthusiastically and the till doesn’t beep. I wave it about the place as if doing a rain dance. Still nothing. This bar code scanning shit is a really hard job. More respect for till tarts now. Evenuly it works.
PLEASE SCAN YOUR NEXT ITEM OR PAY
The sheet, doesn’t scan at first then says unidentified item error error. Please put item on scales
PLESE PUT ITEM ON SCALES
The screen has rang up the sheet, but it want to sell it to my but weight. I do as it says. It charges me 15 pence, 97% discount. I like that
I scan the covers the ring up at some random price too, my shirt come up at the correct price.
I pay quickly and leave with my total shopping bill under half price. The till made a legal contract on price with me there not a damn thing they can do…… I hope.
MWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
I get back to work and the phone rings but I have to hang up on them, as there is a customer in the shop…. I call back 20 mins later. Hi this is the west end centre. We had a spare ticket for that Richard herring gig you wanted to see. You hung up on us so we may have sold it to someone else…. The guy goes of and comes back. Yep we still have one. I pretty much bight his had off via the phone. Cheep shopping and a gig ticket. CHA-MUTHERFOOOKING-CHING!!!
Got to go to the gig on my own tho… but im a big boy I can wipe my own bum now too. As long as there’s those candoo frog wipe things.
Two good things happen out of the blue….. Two bad things must happen too
At home whilst examining my goods. I notice my shirt is short sleeved and not long like I wanted…. Bugger. And im to scared to look at the sheets just incase there are a single or something and not a king as labelled up…. knowing my luck there probably second hand….
I go of to the gig thing well that wasn’t too bad cheep shopping not quite what I wanted, but cheep shopping non the less
The gig was good fun; even tho it was sold out I had an empty seat next to me. So I could have taken someone. Richard herring gives away free programs for the show, and just asks that you throw some dosh into a bucket for scope. He’s raised £20000, and programs at other shows ive been to have been between 5 and 15 sterlings so I think its only fair to give whatever ive got. I was in row c and there were half a dozen steps to the door. It was quite dark in there. And I needed to make sure I had parking change for the next day at work. I pretty much always have shit loads of coins. Sometimes as much as £20 I probably dint have that much tho. I tipped out coins into my hand with the intention of popping a few quid back in the wallet and putting around a fiver into the bucket. But then o tripped. Throwing coins everywhere. In the dark in a crowed of people. My guess it was about a tenner but ill never know. All I manage to puck up was £2.20 exactly what I needed for parking. And threw that in the bucket. I hope that they puck up the coins and put them in the bucket but the cleaner will probably have a pretty good tip. So I lost all the money I had saved threw the faulty till, got the wrong shirt, man flu and bedding im no too scared to open.
I got home thinking that will be a pretty good blog, hope I don’t waffle on to long so people get bored
I popped on a dvd and went to the fridge to see what beer we had left over from the party. All that was left was Carlsberg C2 witch some cheeky basterd had brought along and stuck in the communal beer. Who the fuck buys reduced alcohol beer. I thought ohh well. Probably do me good not consuming as much alcohol. I pick up and can and sit down. I go to open it but my Alcoholic spider sense is tingling. Its ok its just coz it low alcohol beer. I reach for the ring pull again, can’t do it, something wrong. Get a grip man I know its only 2% but is free. I know you have had stronger shandys but get your laughing gear around it. Na my alcoholic spider sense has properly gone off. I examine the can. Its over a fucking year passed its sell by date. What kind of cunt brings gone off low alcohol beer to a party.
No I didn’t fucking drink it anyway
Monday, March 10, 2008
Sign of the devil
Well the move has gone ok. The room is pimped with all my toys. The party was thrown…. Im sure the pics will be on the net soon
The user well restaurant I frequent for lunch was close they have gone on Holladay for 2 weeks…. Damn it!!
I was feeling a bit rough. And I don’t like eating nice things when I feel ill. My stupid logic is, if I eat something nice then chunder my guts up. It puts me off of what ive eaten. So I eat something I wouldn’t mind being put off of. I.e. MacDonald’s
With mild amusement I found this printed on the bad I purchased my cow dick in.
A Spanish woman teacher person with a black board saying (I presume) “im loving it” and the sign of the devil
I can only presume its the MacDonald’s Scholl of Satan worship.
Some people have had their suspicions of it for a long time
Well the move has gone ok. The room is pimped with all my toys. The party was thrown…. Im sure the pics will be on the net soon
The user well restaurant I frequent for lunch was close they have gone on Holladay for 2 weeks…. Damn it!!
I was feeling a bit rough. And I don’t like eating nice things when I feel ill. My stupid logic is, if I eat something nice then chunder my guts up. It puts me off of what ive eaten. So I eat something I wouldn’t mind being put off of. I.e. MacDonald’s
With mild amusement I found this printed on the bad I purchased my cow dick in.
A Spanish woman teacher person with a black board saying (I presume) “im loving it” and the sign of the devil
I can only presume its the MacDonald’s Scholl of Satan worship.
Some people have had their suspicions of it for a long time
Monday, March 03, 2008
Well the big cuckoo is about to leave the nest.
Bye bye Andover. Hello fleet
Only took me 27 years to move out.
What the hell am I going to do for food and washing and ironing now….
Ill just have to take it home for my mum ever week. Keep her with something to do…. Im a nice son like that.
she got a nice ironing bord cover for mothers day and me coming home hungover wanting sympath and food. im the best son ever
Bye bye Andover. Hello fleet
Only took me 27 years to move out.
What the hell am I going to do for food and washing and ironing now….
Ill just have to take it home for my mum ever week. Keep her with something to do…. Im a nice son like that.
she got a nice ironing bord cover for mothers day and me coming home hungover wanting sympath and food. im the best son ever
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Vans in traffic
The other day driving home I saw an inspired pun. On the back of a van there was “goodfellers” tree surgeons. It tickled me in the way a silly pun should. I rely wonder if the guy who owns the company eather when he was young went and watched goodfellers and went if I ever start a tree business that’s what its gonna be called. Or he was sparshot doing his tree chopping down exams got pissed and thought of it.
On the way to work today… oh im 27 today by the way. (all I can say about that it when I was young I can remember thinking wow in 2006 ill be 25 and in 2007 ill be 26 and in 2008 ill be 27…. Yeah see I was quick on the uptake) yeah anyway….. I saw a van with big gold letters saying “stump grinding” that’s sound particularly unwholesome. It was for a tree surgeons. I can imagine the two blokes doing the tree chopping down exams one all light-hearted and thinking of clever puns and the other sitting their twisting hamsters heads thinking about amputee porn. Its sound like the kind of thing McCartney would have said to his ex….
“Heather im feeling a bit frisky tonight.”
“Are you ok… fire away”
“no no …. Put away your down stares mixer”
“oh no you want to visit dirt canyon” (possibly it’s the other way round mills looks the type that offers back first)
“No love”
“Surly you don’t want that again”
“Take off your leg bitch I wants me some stump grinding”
It’s possibly what led to the divorce…. Maybe she was into the stump grinding that way she walked in front of the police car/bike/bus
I can only speculate
See being 3 yours from 30 hasn’t made me any more mature or my spelling any better
The other day driving home I saw an inspired pun. On the back of a van there was “goodfellers” tree surgeons. It tickled me in the way a silly pun should. I rely wonder if the guy who owns the company eather when he was young went and watched goodfellers and went if I ever start a tree business that’s what its gonna be called. Or he was sparshot doing his tree chopping down exams got pissed and thought of it.
On the way to work today… oh im 27 today by the way. (all I can say about that it when I was young I can remember thinking wow in 2006 ill be 25 and in 2007 ill be 26 and in 2008 ill be 27…. Yeah see I was quick on the uptake) yeah anyway….. I saw a van with big gold letters saying “stump grinding” that’s sound particularly unwholesome. It was for a tree surgeons. I can imagine the two blokes doing the tree chopping down exams one all light-hearted and thinking of clever puns and the other sitting their twisting hamsters heads thinking about amputee porn. Its sound like the kind of thing McCartney would have said to his ex….
“Heather im feeling a bit frisky tonight.”
“Are you ok… fire away”
“no no …. Put away your down stares mixer”
“oh no you want to visit dirt canyon” (possibly it’s the other way round mills looks the type that offers back first)
“No love”
“Surly you don’t want that again”
“Take off your leg bitch I wants me some stump grinding”
It’s possibly what led to the divorce…. Maybe she was into the stump grinding that way she walked in front of the police car/bike/bus
I can only speculate
See being 3 yours from 30 hasn’t made me any more mature or my spelling any better
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Cars
Well it’s a well know fact the mechanics just don’t listen to me, I ask for something to be done and they do something totally different. So I was not completely shocked when I put my car in for some stuff to get fixed they didn’t bother doing it. I wont bore you with the details. What I was most annoyed about was if failed its mot, not on the work that they hadn’t done, but a less than an inch crack in the windscreen. It was behind the mirror. And it had been the for 3 years. So it had passed its mot with it there before. So I had to get a new windscreen. The original day they had my car was a waste of time and now I was going to have to leve it there again icuring more money and time with me sat at home dreaming of all the amazing things I could have been doing if only I had my car. So cutting a long and crap story shot it all got fixed…. Well that’s a lie, as much as I possibly hoped for got fixed…. The engine still has a life of its own and randomly guts out or jumps to 1000000rpm for no reason. So I cough up my cash. And looking threw my nice new windscreen as im driving in the pissing fog I see a doddering old hag swerve half of the road onto the gravel and flick a big stone up that has now chipped my new windscreen
If I wasn’t late for work she would have needed new denchers curtsey of my 9 iron
Well it’s a well know fact the mechanics just don’t listen to me, I ask for something to be done and they do something totally different. So I was not completely shocked when I put my car in for some stuff to get fixed they didn’t bother doing it. I wont bore you with the details. What I was most annoyed about was if failed its mot, not on the work that they hadn’t done, but a less than an inch crack in the windscreen. It was behind the mirror. And it had been the for 3 years. So it had passed its mot with it there before. So I had to get a new windscreen. The original day they had my car was a waste of time and now I was going to have to leve it there again icuring more money and time with me sat at home dreaming of all the amazing things I could have been doing if only I had my car. So cutting a long and crap story shot it all got fixed…. Well that’s a lie, as much as I possibly hoped for got fixed…. The engine still has a life of its own and randomly guts out or jumps to 1000000rpm for no reason. So I cough up my cash. And looking threw my nice new windscreen as im driving in the pissing fog I see a doddering old hag swerve half of the road onto the gravel and flick a big stone up that has now chipped my new windscreen
If I wasn’t late for work she would have needed new denchers curtsey of my 9 iron
Friday, February 15, 2008
Cold are evil
The make me be in pain and lazy
like the phone rings and im like gahhhh that means picking it up , and ill have to struggle though my snotty nose to talk properly...... but the ringing not helping my head ache..... witch is the lesser of two evils
to pick up or not to pick up that is the lazy snott driven question
The make me be in pain and lazy
like the phone rings and im like gahhhh that means picking it up , and ill have to struggle though my snotty nose to talk properly...... but the ringing not helping my head ache..... witch is the lesser of two evils
to pick up or not to pick up that is the lazy snott driven question
Friday, February 01, 2008
Today’s story of mild amusement is not from me. Its happened to my brother
He was out bowling with a friend, and doing ok, but loosing to his mate. On the 3rd game the wagered lunch on the game. So my brother with the kind of determination only brought on by free pizza started to bowl. The first two frames he spared, however his mate got strikes. In the next lane 2 men arrive. One is wearing a bowing shirt and has a bowling wrist support (don’t know there proper name) own ball, shoes the works. The other man is giving him tips. My brother like me performs best with an audience (not what your thinking you sicko). He gets his game on. Strike! Strike! Looks over at the “pro” he’s got really low scores. 5’s and 6’s. My brother goes again Strike! Strike! He’s got a bagger going on, and he knows free lunch is in the bag, the “pro” is still on a low score. My bro get another 2 strikes. That’s 2 spaires then 6 strikes in a row. The pro gets out some kind of scope and is looking at the pins, then bowls. Gets 3. My bro is just about the lean over all cocky and load moth (yeah it runs in the family) and say “oi mate you want to be taking a leaf out of my book”. But it his go again so doesn’t. He chokes and doesn’t get another strike. But it ok. He’s put a pro to shame and got free lunch. Cash back! Him and his mate are having a drink after when they see the pro walking along accompanied by his “coach” the pro has a long white stick. My bro had been inches away for mocking a blind guy for trying to bowl
Classic
He was out bowling with a friend, and doing ok, but loosing to his mate. On the 3rd game the wagered lunch on the game. So my brother with the kind of determination only brought on by free pizza started to bowl. The first two frames he spared, however his mate got strikes. In the next lane 2 men arrive. One is wearing a bowing shirt and has a bowling wrist support (don’t know there proper name) own ball, shoes the works. The other man is giving him tips. My brother like me performs best with an audience (not what your thinking you sicko). He gets his game on. Strike! Strike! Looks over at the “pro” he’s got really low scores. 5’s and 6’s. My brother goes again Strike! Strike! He’s got a bagger going on, and he knows free lunch is in the bag, the “pro” is still on a low score. My bro get another 2 strikes. That’s 2 spaires then 6 strikes in a row. The pro gets out some kind of scope and is looking at the pins, then bowls. Gets 3. My bro is just about the lean over all cocky and load moth (yeah it runs in the family) and say “oi mate you want to be taking a leaf out of my book”. But it his go again so doesn’t. He chokes and doesn’t get another strike. But it ok. He’s put a pro to shame and got free lunch. Cash back! Him and his mate are having a drink after when they see the pro walking along accompanied by his “coach” the pro has a long white stick. My bro had been inches away for mocking a blind guy for trying to bowl
Classic
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Well its taken 23 days for something interesting to happen to me. My blog was getting a bit me moaning at customers, so I thought I should cut back on thins an maintain my high lvl of quality in my posts cough cough hahahahahahhahahhahahahahh
Se I was going to write about some crazy man that came in my shop wanting his glasses fixed, but not actually having the lenses with him. He wanted me to put the lenses back in, but the lenses where at his house, the frame was with him. For some reason he didn’t seem to see a problem with this. When I pointed out that when I fix things I usury like the thing im trying to fix and all its parts at least in the same room as me. He became upset. Not because of my sarcasm, but because he thought they where unfixable. I repeatedly had to explain that they where fixable just a screw had come loose (possibly from the old man as well) and that if he came in with the frame and the lenses I could put them all back together. After 15 mins he still couldn’t grasp this simple premise that I couldn’t magic up his lenses from his house. And he left upset that I was unwilling to help him. Well I said I wasn’t going to say all that, but I typed it and you just read it… so I guess I did.
The most amusing things in my blog are the misfortunate things that happen to me. And nothing of any amusing misfortune has happened to me (but all your misfortune amuses us I hear you cry).
Well I was driving to work today on the A303 when my car stats making this whistling noise. I check my window, then the passenger window. The doors are closed. Humm …..Maybe the boots going to fly open! Now that where my train of thought stopped, when relly it should have carried on and thought of a plan. Because it was DEFNATLY GOING TO HAPPEN 3 SECONDS AFTER I THOUGH THIS. Im over taking a car and think he was probably more scared than me. A little dirty red 106 goes past him and the boot flies open revealing golf clubs, squash racquets badminton parafnalia, and the most of his worries my laundry. As im hitting the hazards and looking for a place to stop. He’s crapping himself swerving all over the shop. coz of the passell shelf I don’t know if or what things are flying out. I don’t what to slam on the anchors as I could loose my grundies all over the road and have to retrieve them. (im not talking about soiling my self threw fear im talking about loosing my laundry bag). My ghetto modded spoiler car evenly pulls up. And I go and sort it out. as far as I can tell ive lost nothing. With is quite impressive and the boot was full. Witch may have caused the problem in the first place.
Here to a new year and always being calm in a crisis
Se I was going to write about some crazy man that came in my shop wanting his glasses fixed, but not actually having the lenses with him. He wanted me to put the lenses back in, but the lenses where at his house, the frame was with him. For some reason he didn’t seem to see a problem with this. When I pointed out that when I fix things I usury like the thing im trying to fix and all its parts at least in the same room as me. He became upset. Not because of my sarcasm, but because he thought they where unfixable. I repeatedly had to explain that they where fixable just a screw had come loose (possibly from the old man as well) and that if he came in with the frame and the lenses I could put them all back together. After 15 mins he still couldn’t grasp this simple premise that I couldn’t magic up his lenses from his house. And he left upset that I was unwilling to help him. Well I said I wasn’t going to say all that, but I typed it and you just read it… so I guess I did.
The most amusing things in my blog are the misfortunate things that happen to me. And nothing of any amusing misfortune has happened to me (but all your misfortune amuses us I hear you cry).
Well I was driving to work today on the A303 when my car stats making this whistling noise. I check my window, then the passenger window. The doors are closed. Humm …..Maybe the boots going to fly open! Now that where my train of thought stopped, when relly it should have carried on and thought of a plan. Because it was DEFNATLY GOING TO HAPPEN 3 SECONDS AFTER I THOUGH THIS. Im over taking a car and think he was probably more scared than me. A little dirty red 106 goes past him and the boot flies open revealing golf clubs, squash racquets badminton parafnalia, and the most of his worries my laundry. As im hitting the hazards and looking for a place to stop. He’s crapping himself swerving all over the shop. coz of the passell shelf I don’t know if or what things are flying out. I don’t what to slam on the anchors as I could loose my grundies all over the road and have to retrieve them. (im not talking about soiling my self threw fear im talking about loosing my laundry bag). My ghetto modded spoiler car evenly pulls up. And I go and sort it out. as far as I can tell ive lost nothing. With is quite impressive and the boot was full. Witch may have caused the problem in the first place.
Here to a new year and always being calm in a crisis
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