Phone rings it’s a supplier. “Your (really expensive lens order) is ready and you’ll get it Wednesday” “what orders that?” “Order with your reference: Wuttickend” “umm I don’t have anyone of that name, what’s the order number” “87648737”well our order numbers are only 4 digits” “well doesn’t matter you’ll get it Wednesday” “well id dose matter if I didn’t order it” “well its yours” “do you have the paper order in your hand?” “no” “can you give my anymore information on what it actually is” “no” “well can you go and find out” “ * sigh * ok”

5 mins pass

“Ive checked it’s defiantly yours” “right do you have our order number?” “87648737” “I told you our order numbers are only 4 digits” “well ive checked its yours” “have you got our paper order?” “no but ive checked” “ok tell me what frame we sent in for the lenses” “umm dunno” “is I a frame we sent in or is it and order just for uncut lenses?” “dunno” “can you go and get the paper copy we sent you and find out the frame and the order number” “well it doesn’t matter you’ll get it Wednesday” “well I don’t want it Wednesday if its not for me” “its for you” “ if its not, I don’t want to have to go threw the rigmarole of trying to send if back and get the money back” “its for you” “can you please go and get the paper” “ * big sight * ok”

5 mins pass in wich I phone my other shop and check its not for them…. Its not

“hello its Linda again, its defiantly for you” “have you got the paper” “ive been down and checked its yours” “I need the order number that’s on the paper to confirm this” “LOOK its order 87648737 and its defiantly yours” “that’s not one of our order number, its not a name of any person I have on my data base, nothing is even hinting at me that its an order from my shop. are you holding the paper order that I would have sent you?” “you’ll reseve your order Wednesday” “are you holding the paper order?” “NO” “ can you get the order” “look sir its your order im going to transpher you”

im on hold for a min

“hi Linda its Sharon” “umm this is Harry” “what?” “Linda was tranphering me to you” “ohh right sorry” “that’s ok (I then have to explain everything)” “right well ill go get the order, I can tell you it’s a Dunhill frame” “well I don’t sell those” “right ill call you back”

“hi Harry, yeah just gone and got it, its not yours, I want to apologise on behalf of Linda”

Bloke walks in “can I have a cloth” “ive got two types pentax or charity ones for the guide dogs, £3.50 or £1.99” “what?” “The pentax are £3.50 and the guide dogs ones are £1.99” “what they cost money” “umm yeah” “WELL FORGET IT THEN!” he stomps out.

Door opens and a gangly odd looking bloke waddles in im going to cut out all the things where he said something and I said pardon because I couldn’t under stand him. You can fill it in yourself for every thing he says, he said it 3 to 5 times before I understood it

“this a pub”

“no”

he trys to walk towards the stairs

“pub?”

“OI NO this isn’t a pub”

“where pub?”

“NOT HERE” (I get him back to the desk)

“snooker?” makes a mime so I can understand

“not here”

“where?”

“I don’t know”

“Ohh” he does a weird shrug like a drunk child

“bye”

“clean”

“what?”

“clean?” he trys to hand me his glasses there is no way on this eath im touvhing them

“I can sell you a cloth”

“clean?” pointing to the office, trying to make me go out back

“nope! I can sell you a cloth”

“a tissue?”

“a cleaning cloth”

“free?”

“no”

“no money” he slaps his pockets trying to show he has no money but he jangles like a charity box

“ok well bye”

“where pub”

“dunno bye”

“how much glasses” trying to grab the stock

“I can give you a quote if you have a prescription”

“same” trys to hand me the glasses again.

“nope, need a prescription”

“same, look look” trying to make me go out back

“no quote with out prescription”

“im a children, how much?”

“what?”

“im children how much?” he starts trying to pull the paper out of my credt card machine

“as I said I need to see a precription for a quote”

“same” he starts jabbing the buttons, I don’t want to get two close to this nutter.

“BYE”

“where pub?”

“not here BYE”

“ pub”

I get him out the door and he waddles off down the middle of the road

I have no idear weather he was mad or drunk or trying to shop lift or what

I can loose arguments with panache

Wife: you driving me to work?

Me: nope unless you really hadn’t noticed there’s still snow about

Wife: yeah, but the roads are clear, and the pavement is not so its more dangerous for me to walk than it is us to drive

Me: bollocks

Then I promptly slipped over and jarred my back narrowly avoiding braining myself and came close to pissing myself in agony

Me: fair point let’s drive

FIRST CRAZY OF THE YEAR!!!!!

I come down to open the shop and there’s is a car parked in next doors space. (pissing someone else off for once) it’s got loads of stupid stickers on it and generally a lot of bags and paper in it. the guy from next door phones me (yeah too lazy to walk) saying he’s had a closer look at the car and the keys are in the door (I was walking passes it the wrong way to see this) and that the woman’s purse and handbag are on the seat. We have a 2 min conversation about what to do. And deside to take the keys and put a note on the car. A woman shouts from the other side of the car park. I catch site of bright multicoloured trousers and a pink deerstalker. She’s dressed half hippy half clown. She doesn’t have all her own teeth. Shes screaming something like don’t ticket me ive been at Halifax. (Halifax is over the other side of town). “I dint have money to park, what are you doing with my car” “well you left…” “ive been having an argument with Halifax they wont give me money” “well you have left you ke…..” “look I don’t want an argument with you” “im trying to tell you that…” “ they wont give me any money” “your keys are in the door” “Halifax wont give me money coz I cant find my cash card” “LISTEN! You have left you car keys in the door of you car, and you have left you purse and hand bag on seat!” “ohh thank got I’d been looking for that” “well be more careful someone could have taken everything” “well the dog would have looked after it” (now im not saying there wasn’t a dog in the car, but if there was. it didnt make it self known in all the time we where looking at the car and in the car and it would have to have been extremely small and hidden amongst all the crap) she carried on talking gibberish as me and the guy from the other shop walked away.

Do vampires poo black pudding?