Mouth pain and I quit the wrong time to stop sniffing glue
The title was just to make it sound more interesting than this post really is. Every now and a gain I get mouth ulcers or canker sores if you’re American. If you have never had one then you are lucky and I sagest you get on your knees and thank witch ever God you believe in. I here you saying “ohh harrys moaning coz he s got a little mouth sore….. What a big fucking crybaby. Lets give him something to cry about get the mail sack, live crabs and bat with nails in” alas I with it was one. At the moment I have 15. Smallest it about 1mm in diameter and largest is about 8mm. I’m pretty sure though that the five on the inside of my cheek are not long from merging like an evil power rangers baddy into 1 big ulcer the size of a 2 pence piece. Needless to say im not really looking forward to that. This happens to me quite a lot. And every time I go to the docs or the dentist they go “ohh yeah you have mouth ulcers” like I didn’t know. They pat me on the head and send me on my way, with my heart slightly more full of resentment for the world. Also in the case of the doctor the userly take some of my piss too. Fuck knows why. I recon they are piss vampires. Every time I go to the quacks they want some. Went there coz I has a dodgy foot. Piss sample. Allergy to insect bights, piss sample. They must have a lake of my urine by now. They probly spend weekends there swimming, basterds. Well anyway my toung is about twice the size its serposed to be. And the inside of my cheek is swollen. Both have ulcers on and they rub together every time I talk, swallow, chew, and breath. So im trying to to talk. “Hallelujah” I hear you cry.
The one customer I dint want to see came in. she’s deaf and she lip reads. I can barely move my mouth and I’m dyslexic. So I couldn’t relly communicate to her at all. Lucky she just now thinks I’m a bit simple as all I could do was read what she wrights and I can nod my head. But it still took 10 to get across that she wanted contact lenses and what her name was. The hardest part was me saying they'll be her Saturday and how much they where. Also in my pain I also said I’d phone her when they are ready. Lucky she didn’t notice. Because she might think I really was being a rude fucker.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Saturday, May 19, 2007
like fater like son
Please note I cannot be held responsible for any mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, karma, dharma, metaphysical, religious, philosophical, Logical, Ethical, Aesthetical, or financial damage caused by this post
at work i was dishing out some glasses to a bloke and they where designer. and as desiner things go most have cases bags and other crap paper things. infact half a rain forist full acompanys your perchase.
me "fit ok?"
him "lovly. relly pleased with them"
me " because they are desinger you also get this poincey bag"
he pauses for a second. then i relise hes gay. he lokes desiger stuff espesaly the daft bag. and i have just insulted him to the very core of his being.
i go and tell my father just incasese there is any repucushons. terns out hes the reseptionisets next door nabour. my old man has a bit of a chuckle and tells me to be a bit more carful when im talking
he shouts
"theres a time bandit out side!!!" pointing at a person of diminuitive stature
Please note I cannot be held responsible for any mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, karma, dharma, metaphysical, religious, philosophical, Logical, Ethical, Aesthetical, or financial damage caused by this post
at work i was dishing out some glasses to a bloke and they where designer. and as desiner things go most have cases bags and other crap paper things. infact half a rain forist full acompanys your perchase.
me "fit ok?"
him "lovly. relly pleased with them"
me " because they are desinger you also get this poincey bag"
he pauses for a second. then i relise hes gay. he lokes desiger stuff espesaly the daft bag. and i have just insulted him to the very core of his being.
i go and tell my father just incasese there is any repucushons. terns out hes the reseptionisets next door nabour. my old man has a bit of a chuckle and tells me to be a bit more carful when im talking
he shouts
"theres a time bandit out side!!!" pointing at a person of diminuitive stature
Friday, May 18, 2007
embarrising things at work
there is one thing you can do in my job that makes may heart stop. its an instent wich explodeds then dies away slowly when your brain starts the prosses of how to get away with what you have just done. snapping peoples glasses in half infrount of them. glasses are quite an expencive item for there size. and people relly dont like it when the brake. in my 7 and a half year of being an optician i have probubly done it 5 or 6 times. its a hazard of the job. say i fix and adjust 5 to 15 pairs of specs a day and i have only broken 5 or 6 pairs. i would say im quite good at my job, im defnatly brakeing less that 1%. but thats absoultly no consalation to the persons glasses you do it to. the thing that always suprises me is the sound it makes. its makes a kind of "POP" very diffrent to when i have intentionly broken old pairs. its seems this little pop some how triigers the sudden dredd i feel when i have to go and told someone i have broken there £800 platunum verifocals hand made by angels in the fire of mount doom on the atority of the dark lord salron himself. i've not made anyone cry yet. but i snapped some kids pair inhalf today. i thought that was going to be that one when someone cryed. luckly the little guy dint seem to give a fuck. he seemed more intrested in his harry potter wand. then piped up with "now i can have some harry potter ones". luclky there not expencive. you as tax payers (and me) have to stump up the fee.
but all that is nothing in comparision to my job at jungle jungle menny yaers ago. its a kids "fun house". i was hung over and teh plase was packed with 2 to 8 year olds off there tits on shuger and artafishal colours. and one little chap kept hassling me to throw him in the ball pool. i was not rellyt suposed to touch children (not in that way) but basicly cos if i dint touch a child there was no way that i could get accused of anything etc etc... (im not a peado) this kid was hassling me like a kid that wanted a new power rander of pokimon or what ever the hell kids want. he hasseled me for about an hour and my hangover relly wasnt helping. he finaly got to me. so i picked him up under the arms lifted him about a foot off the ground and shove him backwards bum girst into the ball pool. this "throw " was smaller than he could have done kumping backwards. he ran off screaming and crying. i was summond to the mangers office and told that the boy had gone to his father and that the father had gone to the manager because i had given the kid carpet burn.
for some reason the rest of the people i worked with (peopel i was at collage with) found it helarous that i had given a 3 year old carpet burn in the ball pool
snapping glasses is nothing in comparision
there is one thing you can do in my job that makes may heart stop. its an instent wich explodeds then dies away slowly when your brain starts the prosses of how to get away with what you have just done. snapping peoples glasses in half infrount of them. glasses are quite an expencive item for there size. and people relly dont like it when the brake. in my 7 and a half year of being an optician i have probubly done it 5 or 6 times. its a hazard of the job. say i fix and adjust 5 to 15 pairs of specs a day and i have only broken 5 or 6 pairs. i would say im quite good at my job, im defnatly brakeing less that 1%. but thats absoultly no consalation to the persons glasses you do it to. the thing that always suprises me is the sound it makes. its makes a kind of "POP" very diffrent to when i have intentionly broken old pairs. its seems this little pop some how triigers the sudden dredd i feel when i have to go and told someone i have broken there £800 platunum verifocals hand made by angels in the fire of mount doom on the atority of the dark lord salron himself. i've not made anyone cry yet. but i snapped some kids pair inhalf today. i thought that was going to be that one when someone cryed. luckly the little guy dint seem to give a fuck. he seemed more intrested in his harry potter wand. then piped up with "now i can have some harry potter ones". luclky there not expencive. you as tax payers (and me) have to stump up the fee.
but all that is nothing in comparision to my job at jungle jungle menny yaers ago. its a kids "fun house". i was hung over and teh plase was packed with 2 to 8 year olds off there tits on shuger and artafishal colours. and one little chap kept hassling me to throw him in the ball pool. i was not rellyt suposed to touch children (not in that way) but basicly cos if i dint touch a child there was no way that i could get accused of anything etc etc... (im not a peado) this kid was hassling me like a kid that wanted a new power rander of pokimon or what ever the hell kids want. he hasseled me for about an hour and my hangover relly wasnt helping. he finaly got to me. so i picked him up under the arms lifted him about a foot off the ground and shove him backwards bum girst into the ball pool. this "throw " was smaller than he could have done kumping backwards. he ran off screaming and crying. i was summond to the mangers office and told that the boy had gone to his father and that the father had gone to the manager because i had given the kid carpet burn.
for some reason the rest of the people i worked with (peopel i was at collage with) found it helarous that i had given a 3 year old carpet burn in the ball pool
snapping glasses is nothing in comparision
Monday, May 14, 2007
Geek nostalgia, Eurovision and insest
Please note I cannot be held responsible for any mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, karma, dharma, metaphysical, religious, philosophical, Logical, Ethical, Aesthetical, or financial damage caused by this post
Friday was the release of command and conquer 3. I was a big fan of the games and I was please that the plot was following on from the tiberum time line (told you I am a geek). My little cold dead heart lit up when on the one of the first lvls I clicked on a unit and the sound clip played “YEAH!” I clicked on a building “I GOTTA PRESENT FOR YA!” BOOM, “THAT WAS LEFT HANDED”
If you know what im talking about you’re a geek too. And if you don’t have a Scooby then live safe in the knowledge you haven’t wasted your life and money on computer games. What I found strage is the 3 little sound clips I remembered from a game I played probably about 1995.
Saturday was Eurovision. Yes I know what your thinking hes written about video games now Eurovision. What kind of flagrant homosexual is he?!
Well there is a few “traditions” that we stared at collage and Eurovision is one of them. When we where to young to get into pubs we invented the Eurovision drinking game of death. The rules have changed over the years. But basically its drink when something funny happens. Funny being camp sarcastic dodgy outfit. Of a wardrobe malfunction. Eat food. Basically have a kitch cheap night with friends. We did try this game with spirets once and all I can say it was unpleasant for everyone concerned. Now we just play with larger and wine. But it is and exercise in speed drinking.
Lets face it we as a nation thing we are above eurovision anyway, so it supprises me when people moan that no one voted for us and that France only beat us alphabetically. All the western country’s who fund us seem a little bit resented as we buy are way into the finals and then don’t bother submitting a descent act. I was having a gander at wiki about the winner a strange dyke looking women that have lots of other women clutching at her and an odd love hart on there hands motif. She like a top selling artist In Serbia. Most of the eastern country submit there top acts and have to compeat to get there. And then the sit there voting for their nabours like grease and cypress always do. Yeah its lots of fun to watch and take the piss but we must remember that the song we enter we picked on its piss taking merits in the first place. If we think and act like we are above it then we shouldn’t take it to seriously. Terry wogan’s commenty is worth the licence fee.
Please note I cannot be held responsible for any mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, karma, dharma, metaphysical, religious, philosophical, Logical, Ethical, Aesthetical, or financial damage caused by this post
Friday was the release of command and conquer 3. I was a big fan of the games and I was please that the plot was following on from the tiberum time line (told you I am a geek). My little cold dead heart lit up when on the one of the first lvls I clicked on a unit and the sound clip played “YEAH!” I clicked on a building “I GOTTA PRESENT FOR YA!” BOOM, “THAT WAS LEFT HANDED”
If you know what im talking about you’re a geek too. And if you don’t have a Scooby then live safe in the knowledge you haven’t wasted your life and money on computer games. What I found strage is the 3 little sound clips I remembered from a game I played probably about 1995.
Saturday was Eurovision. Yes I know what your thinking hes written about video games now Eurovision. What kind of flagrant homosexual is he?!
Well there is a few “traditions” that we stared at collage and Eurovision is one of them. When we where to young to get into pubs we invented the Eurovision drinking game of death. The rules have changed over the years. But basically its drink when something funny happens. Funny being camp sarcastic dodgy outfit. Of a wardrobe malfunction. Eat food. Basically have a kitch cheap night with friends. We did try this game with spirets once and all I can say it was unpleasant for everyone concerned. Now we just play with larger and wine. But it is and exercise in speed drinking.
Lets face it we as a nation thing we are above eurovision anyway, so it supprises me when people moan that no one voted for us and that France only beat us alphabetically. All the western country’s who fund us seem a little bit resented as we buy are way into the finals and then don’t bother submitting a descent act. I was having a gander at wiki about the winner a strange dyke looking women that have lots of other women clutching at her and an odd love hart on there hands motif. She like a top selling artist In Serbia. Most of the eastern country submit there top acts and have to compeat to get there. And then the sit there voting for their nabours like grease and cypress always do. Yeah its lots of fun to watch and take the piss but we must remember that the song we enter we picked on its piss taking merits in the first place. If we think and act like we are above it then we shouldn’t take it to seriously. Terry wogan’s commenty is worth the licence fee.
At the erovision “party” I took along my littlest sister as she would be home alone. And I fear she would probably eat her own leg out of boredom. Her and me have a quite similar sense of hummer so when ever we go to gigs or watch I film together we have quite good banter. Some of my friends not knowing she was my sister told me after the party. That girl was well fit and we made are relly good couple.
She’s 15 and my sister
I felt a bit horrified to the core, that the first choice of females I know that my mates think I should be with is my sister
Friday, May 11, 2007
Luck heather and all the beacon I can eat,
Its has always been a point of amusement to my father that I have the café on speed dial. But I give them a buzz check my email, turn the kettle on and buy the time I walk there a nice bacon sandwege is ready for me, walk back to the shop and I can hear the kettle click off just as I walk in. (I did start to think the am routine was borderline OCD, but ive desided to shop thinking about it and right it off a convenient and efficient way of doing things). The guy in the café, I nice a nice Turkish bloke (not the guys from the Farnborough popins. Dose a mean fry up. He needed some glasses. And he was kinda grumbling about the cost. So I suggested a trade. So now I have a huge amount of credit in a café. Bacon is good.
Aldershot is a strange place. In the town centre there is this old woman dishing out “lucky heather” and she always trys to give it to me. I say give it more like she thrusts a twig in some tin foil at you, and demands money. “ Here love, have some luck”. I have always wanted to say “look LOVE you’re the one standing in the street stinking’ of piss trying to sell twigs, you look like you need all the luck you can get” I have never had the stones to say this to there face. One thing always confused me she all was goes for me. I know im a natural idiot magnet. But I thought after 6 or so year she might realise im not going to waste my sterling’s on a sprig of something she picked off of a roundabout. She always seemed to attack me on the way back from lunch as well like I was going to change my mind after eating. But she never ever looked at me like she recognised me. Then id notice that she be in a different street in the space of 10 mins. The first time ever I relised the has a twin. I saw them standing next to each other for the first time. To me this almost felt like the revelation at the end of a movie, obously if was much less exciting and had the aroma of ammonia. Then I thought how unlucky do you have to be to be twins and stinkin’ of piss selling twigs. I think they should get out of the luck trade and keep some for themselves.
Aldershot local paper headline HALF PRICE DRUGS FLOOD TOWNCENTRE
What an advert. Or then again it could be a biblical flood of opiates
Its has always been a point of amusement to my father that I have the café on speed dial. But I give them a buzz check my email, turn the kettle on and buy the time I walk there a nice bacon sandwege is ready for me, walk back to the shop and I can hear the kettle click off just as I walk in. (I did start to think the am routine was borderline OCD, but ive desided to shop thinking about it and right it off a convenient and efficient way of doing things). The guy in the café, I nice a nice Turkish bloke (not the guys from the Farnborough popins. Dose a mean fry up. He needed some glasses. And he was kinda grumbling about the cost. So I suggested a trade. So now I have a huge amount of credit in a café. Bacon is good.
Aldershot is a strange place. In the town centre there is this old woman dishing out “lucky heather” and she always trys to give it to me. I say give it more like she thrusts a twig in some tin foil at you, and demands money. “ Here love, have some luck”. I have always wanted to say “look LOVE you’re the one standing in the street stinking’ of piss trying to sell twigs, you look like you need all the luck you can get” I have never had the stones to say this to there face. One thing always confused me she all was goes for me. I know im a natural idiot magnet. But I thought after 6 or so year she might realise im not going to waste my sterling’s on a sprig of something she picked off of a roundabout. She always seemed to attack me on the way back from lunch as well like I was going to change my mind after eating. But she never ever looked at me like she recognised me. Then id notice that she be in a different street in the space of 10 mins. The first time ever I relised the has a twin. I saw them standing next to each other for the first time. To me this almost felt like the revelation at the end of a movie, obously if was much less exciting and had the aroma of ammonia. Then I thought how unlucky do you have to be to be twins and stinkin’ of piss selling twigs. I think they should get out of the luck trade and keep some for themselves.
Aldershot local paper headline HALF PRICE DRUGS FLOOD TOWNCENTRE
What an advert. Or then again it could be a biblical flood of opiates
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Bank holls…. And evil fax machines
Everyone else’s bank Holladay starts the second that they kick out of work on Friday. Sadly I work Saturdays so it’s still a school night. So I had to be a little careful not to over indulge in the beer whiles seeing Richard herring (http://www.richardherring.com/) in a word it’s was brilliant. If you get the chance go see him.
Saturday I was still on a bit of a high from the fun of the herring gig. And was going to Spiderman 3. When I had another panic attack. It was my 3rd one ever. It lasted a good few hours and well into the film. It strange I hope I don’t have anymore.
Spiderman was amazing I don’t care what anyone has to say it was good nuff said. (if you couldn’t tell everyone I have spoke too hates it)
It has to be brilliant
1.Its Spiderman
2.Its directed by Sam Raimi
3.Its got Bruce Campbell in it
And lets face it every film would be better if Bruce Campbell was in it. I throw don’t the gauntlet to anyone. Email me hazbo@hotmail.com and give me a film. And ill tell you how it would be a better film if Bruce were in it.
Also I had the (mis)fortune to see a film called ATOMIC TRAIN (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0144039/) I have to say this is one of the strangest films I have ever seen. And I specialise in strange movies.
******Spoilers******
The hero in the film actually doses nothing. Every event that happens in the film would happen even if the character existed. The film is just a catalogue of blunders culminating in a train crash. Water on chemicals a nuke going off, and owl making people fall off a motorbike. And a guy pulling a rope to save his son and falling down a mineshaft
******Spoilers end******
The film was pure cheese. And made me want to go and watch maniac cop (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0095583). At least that’s got Bruce Campbell in it.
Might as well mention I saw next as well coz that took the tally of films with nukes going off this weekend up to two
Tuesday
Bring
Me: eeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwww?
Chelle: harry?
Me: grunt?!!
Chelle: have I just woke you up?
Me: yep
Chelle: well you said you always sleep in and waste you days off. So get up and come an have a coffee.
Me:groan
Coffee is the opposite of sleep and I don’t like coffee. I’m pretty sure coffee tastes like rimming a goat.
Everyone else’s bank Holladay starts the second that they kick out of work on Friday. Sadly I work Saturdays so it’s still a school night. So I had to be a little careful not to over indulge in the beer whiles seeing Richard herring (http://www.richardherring.com/) in a word it’s was brilliant. If you get the chance go see him.
Saturday I was still on a bit of a high from the fun of the herring gig. And was going to Spiderman 3. When I had another panic attack. It was my 3rd one ever. It lasted a good few hours and well into the film. It strange I hope I don’t have anymore.
Spiderman was amazing I don’t care what anyone has to say it was good nuff said. (if you couldn’t tell everyone I have spoke too hates it)
It has to be brilliant
1.Its Spiderman
2.Its directed by Sam Raimi
3.Its got Bruce Campbell in it
And lets face it every film would be better if Bruce Campbell was in it. I throw don’t the gauntlet to anyone. Email me hazbo@hotmail.com and give me a film. And ill tell you how it would be a better film if Bruce were in it.
Also I had the (mis)fortune to see a film called ATOMIC TRAIN (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0144039/) I have to say this is one of the strangest films I have ever seen. And I specialise in strange movies.
******Spoilers******
The hero in the film actually doses nothing. Every event that happens in the film would happen even if the character existed. The film is just a catalogue of blunders culminating in a train crash. Water on chemicals a nuke going off, and owl making people fall off a motorbike. And a guy pulling a rope to save his son and falling down a mineshaft
******Spoilers end******
The film was pure cheese. And made me want to go and watch maniac cop (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0095583). At least that’s got Bruce Campbell in it.
Might as well mention I saw next as well coz that took the tally of films with nukes going off this weekend up to two
Tuesday
Bring
Me: eeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwww?
Chelle: harry?
Me: grunt?!!
Chelle: have I just woke you up?
Me: yep
Chelle: well you said you always sleep in and waste you days off. So get up and come an have a coffee.
Me:groan
Coffee is the opposite of sleep and I don’t like coffee. I’m pretty sure coffee tastes like rimming a goat.
After coffee I notsice it was windy it was super windy so I grabbed my kites and went to the common. It was so windy I didn’t have the stones so fly all 3.
1.Coz I dint want to brake my legs
2.Coz I don’t recon be could do much first aid if I did brake my legs
The wind was strong and I did a few involuntary jumps.(see above pic) Getting some good air. It was the first time I have flown in strong wing in about a year. And it felt good. Today however if feels like I have has each of my arms tired to a wild horse and they have been set off in different directions. My shoulders feel like they are on the front of my chest. This has probably done wonders for my posture.
So today it’s back to work and the odditys of Aldershot
I get into work and the new ink cartridges have arrived for the fax. Its my job to do with like that coz my boss is so technologically inept he is unable to even use a digital watch
It has taken me 4 weeks to track down the ink the fax needs coz it is some make that is unknown to the western world, how we came across it is a mystery to me. The thing however stores every fax I couldn’t print out because it had no yellow ink. Fuck knows why it needs colour ink to print back and white things out. When it has a black ink cartridge. So I pop in the ink. And its must have been so full of faxes it was just about to explode. It has been printing for about an hour. And im a starting to get angry. Coz I know the second it stops printing too thing are going to happen.
***** Ink low****** and the shop is going to be out of paper
ill have to get back on to http://sovet-fax-supplys.com/
C.N.P.S is up to 10
Friday, May 04, 2007
C.N.P.S and days i have lived
over the easter i watched a dvd by richard herring (whos new show im seeing tonight) in the show he talks about a game called C.N.P.S http://www.richardherring.com/cnps.php
the rules are basicly twisted obsessive compulsive disorder. my drunken mind desidd to half arsed play this game to see how far you could get without trying. 2 weeks passed an i was yet to spot a 1. and some more of my friends saw the DVD. the desided to play and they in a week were on 7 and 8. not to be out done i desided to make it harder formyself. i desided i was going to take a pic of evey plate in order then turn it into a monumentus flick book video going from 1 to 999. (i stared to worry myself) this picture challange i set myself have just made one of the most obsessive compulsive things i have ever herd of a bit more hardcore. as i can now no count anthing that i can get a pic of. so playing the game when driveing is now out of the option.
for weeks have passed and now i am looking for a 9. im shure there is some higher power tormenting me becase i know where a 10 11 12 and 13 are. and i keep seeing cars parked in rows in sequence. its shocking
days i have been alive #9,568 http://www.beatcanvas.com/daysalive.asp
days playing C.N.P.S #26
at this rate its going to be a long game. i hope i have the sence to give up. and not start playing it properly. but i fear i maybe passed that
over the easter i watched a dvd by richard herring (whos new show im seeing tonight) in the show he talks about a game called C.N.P.S http://www.richardherring.com/cnps.php
the rules are basicly twisted obsessive compulsive disorder. my drunken mind desidd to half arsed play this game to see how far you could get without trying. 2 weeks passed an i was yet to spot a 1. and some more of my friends saw the DVD. the desided to play and they in a week were on 7 and 8. not to be out done i desided to make it harder formyself. i desided i was going to take a pic of evey plate in order then turn it into a monumentus flick book video going from 1 to 999. (i stared to worry myself) this picture challange i set myself have just made one of the most obsessive compulsive things i have ever herd of a bit more hardcore. as i can now no count anthing that i can get a pic of. so playing the game when driveing is now out of the option.
for weeks have passed and now i am looking for a 9. im shure there is some higher power tormenting me becase i know where a 10 11 12 and 13 are. and i keep seeing cars parked in rows in sequence. its shocking
days i have been alive #9,568 http://www.beatcanvas.com/daysalive.asp
days playing C.N.P.S #26
at this rate its going to be a long game. i hope i have the sence to give up. and not start playing it properly. but i fear i maybe passed that
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
One thing happens to me with freighting regularity. Is when I go to wash my hands I turn on the tap and water threw some amazing physics defying fluke goes all over my trousers make me look like im incontinent. a shimmeing jet of water dive strate for my famly jewls, and i have to spend an hour or so trying to conseal the wet patch. The fun places this happens is always when im out trying to impress a female. But today its happened at work witch is always fun. One of my friends dubbed me haphazard Harry yesterday. And she has not known me all that long.
What a reputation to have……. sigh
What a reputation to have……. sigh
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