A man with no teeth and resembled the bloke who drank the wrong holy grail and was about half way threw the clay-mation dieing, was at my window. he made weird noises as to attract my attention. (I tried no to make eye contact if fear of him coming in and then I would have to go get some air freshener.) I gave in and looked at him coz the noises where getting louder  “fire engine” he said looking at me wild eyed with a gummy grinned. Then he walked off

Came home from taking the wife to work to find the cat chewing on one of her bras. I coughed as to attract his attention. he jumped and looked at me. he staired at me wide eyed and mouth open for a full 10 seconds. Then ran off

remember kids , cats have claws. sitting they minding my own business. BANG cat claw in the face. second trip to hospitol later.... lets hope the ladys like eye patches

Driving to work my car when “BEEP BEEP BEEP” the dash starts flashing after a few second I realise this over the top warning is to tell me its 3 degrees out side. I know its cold out . I walked from the gaff to the car. What possible use is warning? And why 3 degrees? So if I drive into a bit of sun and it rises to 4 and then into shade and it drops to 3 is it going to warn me like engine id about to leap out of the bonnet? The only use I have ever seen for car thermometers at that when people arrive to work they can say “ohh its cold this morning, my car said it was 3 degrees” so it’s a small talk generator for people in offices

Woman walks in. “my opticians is closed” “yeah? Vision express?” “Yeah” “yep they close down” “yes they are closed” “yeah I know” “what should I do” “ well what do you need” “I don’t know” “well are you due a sight test?” “Don’t think so” “are you having and problems” “no” “so………anything I can help you with?” “I don’t know what to do” “right well, nothing really to do if you don’t need a test and your glasses are fine, when you are due a test you can book in here if you like” “ I don’t know what to do because they are closed” “well when you need something you can come back here if you want” “there’s not a lot of opticians now, I though there would be a queue outside” “ queue outside, im not a nhs dentist in the early 2000’s” (she looks at me very confused) “I don’t know what to do” “well when you need an eye test come back and book in and we will sort it all” “what do I do about my opticians being closed?” “nothing” “ohh? Ok?” she leaves

Two nutters . First was not really annoying me other than making me queue for an unessery amount of time . in the bank a bloke had got to the front of the queue and was arguing with a rather confused cashier about his electricity bill. Despite the cashier saying this is a bank we have nothing to do with your electricity bill the guy carried on.

Then getting back to work a guy burst in asking me for “the lowest pillar box red lenses and no butterflies, ive had all that shit, theirs no way you convince be to have butterflies so don’t even bother, just lowest pillar box red, reading down lenses”

Today I have had 2 opportunities to indulge in an old favourite past time of mine. Winding up headhunters. They phone up all load and brash and saying they can get you what ever you want in a job. And basically I systematically go threw giving unexpected answers to there scripted questions until they have to admit that they are wasting there own time.” we have done a secret shop on you shop and you got and exemplary report mentioning you” “secret shop, that’s odd id like to see a copy of this report” “er….. ok” … “so lots of people want to reduce there commute we can offer you places closer to home, how long does it take you to get to work” “nearly a full 2 mins if im walking slow” “wha? Ohh….. How would you feel about working for (name of a chain of shops)?” “would piss me right off.” “ohh well ummm…. Err. Well what would you want to get you to leave there” (they are expecting me to say pay rise) “total professional freedom, no managers, no secret shops, no nonsense compromising my decisions in relation to sorting my patients problems. No set suppliers, ordering and doing what I think is best for the patient. Total professional freedom” “ohhh er….. Ok well can I give you my number” “na you are alright, just send me a copy of you insidious professional shop to look at.”

young Bloke walks in “my eyes hurt, so I bought some glasses but they still hurt” “right, was there here?” “no” “oh ok…. Cant really help much with no information, when was the test?” “the test?” “yeah your last eye test?” “ohh I haven’t had one in years?” “what? Who made the glasses then?” “dunno I just went in a shop and got some” “are they off the shelf ready readers” “dunno” ( I look at them they are) “well you just picked some random powered glasses off a shelf, you should have a eye test and if you needed so glasses if that was the reason for your eye hurting. then had the correct prescription made up. not be wearing something that potentially could be totally wrong and potentially make your vision worse and be illegal to drive” “are tests free?” “No” puts the ready readers back on and leaves.

Lady phones me up “can you tell me when my last eye test was” (I take her name and try to look her up) “I can seem to find you, what’s the spelling of you name?” (I double check the spelling, then check to see if we some how have the spelling wrong, or its been miss filed) “Im really sorry I cant seem to find you on the system, its really odd. When do you think you where tested here I may be able to look back in the old diary see if we have got you name wrong or something.” “Tested there?! Ohh ive never been tested there” “right! well I cant tell you then” “why not?” “because you have never been tested here.” “Well I thought you’d know” hangs up

the wifes gone........

http://youtu.be/dCUXjdlaJII

Bloke comes in with some glasses. “can I get these fixed they are really expensive cost me a lot of money, military issue , NASA use them…….( I look at them)….. See they are good, cost me a small fortune, NASA use them, tip top they are” fading off the side of the lens is a logo….RANBAYS…..and the metal the frame is made out of is so cheep its softer than a coke can

Its been a little while but I think this one counts…. Lady walks in and says “my eyes look tired” “do they?” “well I think they do… look at them!” (She stares at me strangely) “I really can’t tell, well if you like I can book you in for a full eye test. We can check everything over.” “Then what?” “well we'll try to find out the reason, and if necessary refer or write a report to the doctor if its anything that needs further attention” “are you saying its not my eyes and it something wrong with my head?” “umm…im not saying anything is wrong with anything, im offering you an eye appointment” (she then starts to chuckle, and then breaks into a full laugh and bends over double with her hand on the counter supporting her weight. I sit there doing nothing. She snaps out of it joker stile “WELL YOU CAN LAUGH (she shouts angrily” “I didn’t lau…” “WEEEEELLLLLL YOU CAN LAUGH, YOU’RE YOUNG, YOUR NOT WERAING GLASSES, I BET YOU DON’T EVEN NEED GLASSES” “well not for..” she goes to storm off but isn’t strong enough to open the door and spends the time it takes me to get up and walk round the desk she wriggles out of gap that taken all her might to open. “Bye” i say closing the door

I approach my gaff to find my next-door neighbour  (who is shall we say a large man… some would describe his physique as morbid) in the kind of stake of undress that makes me want to lobotomise myself.  “Hi, weathers weird isn’t it” “what? Is boiling, same as its been for the last 10 days” “its been raining the last half hour?” “Has it? ive been sat in the shop looking out and I haven’t seen it” “its raining now! Really weird as there’s not a cloud in the sky, ive never seen it rain with no clouds before” “raining now?” “Yeah I can feel it on my back” then I realise where he’s sitting under my toilet over flow pipe witch is dripping. “umm its not rain…. Your sitting under the overflow pipe… its dripping” “not it’s not its rain” “look” he looks up “ohh yeah, well its lovely!”

Phone rings, I answer it. The person is either standing in some kind of gale or driving with the windows down. “CAN YOU HEAR ME? IM DRIVING!” “Just about” “IM PHONEING ABOUT……….. APOINTMENT” “what’s that you want to make an appointment?” “NO” “what?” “I CANT MAKE AN APPOINTMENT” “you need cancel and appointment?” “WHAT? NO! I CANT MAKE AN APOINTMENT” “you cant make it to your appointment and need to cancel it?” “NO I HAVENT GOT ONE AND I CAN’T MAKE ONE” “ok?” “IM JUST PHONEING TO LET YOU KNOW THAT!” “You are phoning me whilst driving to tell me that you can not make an appointment?”  “YES” “ok… umm anything else?” “I CANT MAKE ONE FOR MY SON EITHER!” “Right” “OK THANKS. SEE YOU SOON BYE.”  Hangs up

After weeks of pissing about with BT. Having an account that’s not in my name so they wont talk to me of fix anything. Even though we pay the bill and the lines are in our shop. Finally they get the fact it’s their error. And say because of some stupid reason they cant just change the name the have to close the account. Refund me the balance, then open me a new account. “Fine yeah what ever” a cheque arrives for me this morning ……… in the wrong name

.

someone up to their old tricks?

Phone rings and I pick up… there is a long pause and im just about to hang up expecting it to be the worst thing in all creation. The recorded PPI phone message. Sadly it’s the second worst thing. A squeaky American woman in a call centre. “hello this is BT is this….(she pauses for a long time then mumbles) leee mumble opticians” “pardon?” “this is BT is this (she mumbles again)” “pardon (I realise she’s trying to say Leightons but cant so she’s mumbling it on purpose)” “this is BT is that (mumble) opticians” “are you trying to say leightions?” “yes” “im calling about the BT” “this isn’t Leightons” “what?” “this isn’t Leightons” “am I calling…(reads out my phone number)” “yes” “well that’s leeetones(she’s already forgotten how to say Leightons” “no that’s me, this shop hasn’t been Leightons for 6 years” “well im calling about the broad band bill for leeton” “ right” she starts again “this is BT calling is this leeton optician?” “no its not anymore” “ well im calling about the broadband on (reads out a phone number)” “well that’s not here that’s another shop but I do work there so I can pass on the message” “well I need to speak to someone about it” “well like I mentioned its not here. that broadband is in a different town and not at a Leightons opticians if you want to give me an invoice number I can pass it on to the accounts people and look into if a check has gone missing in the post (or more likely you have allocated it to the wrong account like you do about 3 times a year)” “well if the bill is not settled in the next few days the account will be shut off and we will start court proceedings…” “im just going to interrupt you there. Now can you tell me the invoice details?” “No because you are not the account holder” “so….” “the service will be terminated..” “is there anything wrong with the account here?” “Here?” “yes here at the shop im actually at the shop you have actuly called” “umm… im calling about the BT broadband account” “yes I know what your calling about, you are calling about an account that is in a different town to the one im in. and you wont tell me any information. Im asking you if there is actually anything wrong with the account HERE!” “im calling from BT ..” (every time I say anything its like she resets to her script) the service will be terminated and proceedings will be brought..” “so your not going to give me any useful information to pass on the accounts department to get this sorted out and it not actually for the broadband account AT THIS PREMASIS, ITS IN A TOTALLY DIFFERENT TOWN” “ this is BT calling” “yeah I know im going now” “well umm han…” I hang up

You know the days not going to go well when it starts like this. Barely get the door of the shop open. When a woman angrily marches in .” I am really upset, my glasses have broken” “(using my customer service skills) ohh no” she rummages around in her bag whist saying “im disappointed” “im shocked” “this is unacceptable” she pulls out the glasses witch are snapped. But I look at them and notice, they are not exactly new…. Probably not even close to a guarantee period. I get out the record…. They where bought about 3 month under 10 years ago. “umm according to this you got them almost 10 years ago” “yes that’s about right” “10 years well that’s pretty….” “im extremely disappointed they haven’t lasted every well at all, this is extremely unacceptable” “well the guarantee on most glasses is a year or maybe 2 years and that covers manufacturing defects no wear and tare and these are almost 10 years old” “what are you saying?” “Well that they are well out of any guarantee and that I cant get a new frame as its not made anymore” “will this is disgraceful….”

New to my shop is a bookies. And there are always people outside smoking and making a mess. So they put up an on the wall ashtray thing (dunno if they have a proper name) but it seems that no one seems to know how to use it as the street is covered in dog ends. Anyhoo this morning theirs also about 6 scratch cards there and some other paper litter. I see the litter-picker-upper man waddling up the street wielding his bin bag and giant pair of tongs. “Ohh good” I think.  He gets to all the litter, nudges the scrachcarts around, picks up a single dog-end as if he was looking for nugget of gold amongst detritus and waddles off leaving (at quick glace) 20 odd dog ends and the scratch cards.

Phone rings “hello I want to make an appointment in your Aldershot shop” “ohh well you have phone Farnborough, you need to call them direct” “why?” “Because I don’t have their appointment book, you need to speak to them” “ok, so when do they have appointments free” “I don’t know im not in that shop, please call them and they will help you” “coz I want an appointment for Monday” “call them and they will sort it out”

2 mins later

Phone rings “hello I want to make an appointment in your Aldershot shop” “umm I just spoke to you, im in Farnborough you need to call them directly” “yeah I phoned them but there was no answer” “well there is only 1 person in that shop at the moment, he probably cant get to the phone, give it a few mins and call back” “so you cant make me an appointment for Monday because I need Monday” “call them”

2 mins later

Phone rings “hello I want to make an appointment in your Aldershot shop” “you have called Farnborough again!!!” “Yes I know there is now answer from Aldershot” “yeah I explained there is only 1 guy in the shop and if there is lots of people in he may not be able to get to the phone, so give it a 5 to 10 mins and call him back” “sigh”

I bealy walk to the office before the phone rings again

“hes not answering” “well hes probably busy like I said. Call him later” “ok”

5 mins later

“hes now answering I have tried him 3 times since we last spoke, this is ridiculous” “your telling me” “what?” “Nothing… well what ill do is take your name and number and I am working there tomorrow so I will call you from there and make the appointment” “but I want an appointment for Monday” “yes I know” “well I don’t want an appointment for tomorrow” “yes I know” “well I don’t understand” “understand what?” “why?” “why what?… look im working in that shop tomorrow, so I will take you name and number now. Then when I get to work tomorrow I will phone you and book you and appointment” “you have lost me” “lost you? I will call you tomorrow and book you an appointment” “but I don’t want an appointment tomorrow I want one Monday” “yes I know” “you want to make me an appointment tomorrow” “no I am going to call you tomorrow to arrange and appointment for Monday” “im not sure I understand” “ok well there’s two options here, 1 you can call back the other shop later on today and book an appointment for Monday or 2 I can phone you up tomorrow when I am in that shop and I can make you an appointment for Monday” “ill try calling again” “ok but leave it 15 mins or so because they must be bussy”

5 mins later

“There’s still now answer” “ok ill call you tomorrow and sort it” “I want an appointment for Monday” “yes I know lets stop wasting time and ill call you Monday what’s your name?" "Colonel XXXXX XXXXX”

And like every true great inventor he had a dream, drive and determination. And refused to take no for an answer

Scruffy bloke pushing a pushchair with a baby in whilst rolling a fag smashes into my shop doorway/ window. I look at him a bit shocked as the kid nearly gets upturned and covered in Golden Virginia. The bloke sees me looking. Looks at me like im being a prick, redirects the pushchair towards the road and carries on pushing and rolling

well i have got some pretty odd things in the post, but this is one of the oddest

I hear nothing but how wonderful apple are at customer care. My phone won’t back up and the mrs is buying an ipad. “yeah don’t drop the ipad coz they are really fragile and a new screen is £270 so its not worth repairing you might as well buy a mini when they break” top work there telling us how shit the product is just as we part with cash. “my phone wont back up” “well its over a year old so nothing we can do, you can make an appointment to see the people over there but all they will do is restore it to factory settings for you, so you should do that yourself and save the cost of seeing them” “but that will loose everything on the phone” “yeah” “but I don’t want to do that im trying to back up” “yeah?” “So your saying the best thing to do is loose all the stuff on my phone” “umm well yeah” “brilliant”  apple geniuses more like apple geantards

Phone rings “Aldershot eyecare” “hi can I have the number for your Farnborough shop” “yeah its…” “Wait I haven’t got a pen!(he snaps as if I was being dumb and could see that he didn’t have a pen)” “Ok” “ill go get one….. (2 mins later)….. nope I cant find one” “um well do you recon you can rem….” “Hang on there might be one up staires….(goes off again for a full 5 mins im just about to hang up) found one it doesn’t work very well but think I can use it” “right (I have to repeat the number menny times some times due to his stupidity and some due to the aforementioned reliability issues of the pen)” “bye”  30 seconds later the phone rings “Aldershot eyecare” “that the Farnborough shop” “no this is Aldershot” “well I just got given this number and told its Farnborough” “it was me that you where speaking to, remember you called me and didn’t have a pen ready” “you gave me this number” “no I didn’t. you called me and I gave you Farnborough’s number and you wrote it down” “that’s what I dialled” “you cant have…. I sagest you try calling it again”

A new pet hate has reached the status as to make the official list of things punishable my gun shot to the knee, when I come to power.

Its people that don’t put their items in the bag when they are using the self-service tills. Now I regard the tills as having an unofficial 1 basket only rule. If you have a trolley packed up to the sky you should be going to a proper till. But they don’t. They go to the self-service tills. The bags there are hung up in just such a way as you scan and item and then put it IN THE BAG IN THE BAGGING AREA! But no they don’t the just drop it on the area. Totally ignoring the bags there. Then at the end they think well im not paying till I have bagged all this value horse gristle slop up. Then as soon as they pick anything up “ITEM REMOVED FROM BAGGING AREA!” and totally cock up the system. Take about 10 mins for staff to turn up and sort it. Then they spend ages picking everything up and putting it bags that the could have done as they fucking scanned it. then they moan at the staff about the self service tills. KNEE-CAPPINGS when I get to power

“Im not happy with my glasses” “ohh dear, what’s the problem” “look” (rummages around in his pockets he doesn’t have them with him) “umm not a lot I can check if you haven’t got them… let me just look at your order…… umm its from 2010” “my sight is better without the glasses than with” “umm well you eyes may have changed since then” “I think the test was wrong” “well it was 3 years ago, and it was no change from the test that was before that and that was 3 years before that” “my eyes not right the test was wrong” “also looking closer here we have never made you any glasses this order is for a replacement part for your glasses” “im not happy the test wasn’t right” “well it was 3 years ago, you don’t have the glasses with you, we didn’t make them, they where made before that test by someone else not to our prescription. Infact all we have done is tested you twice in the last 6 years and fitted a new side to you glasses that are older than that, infact if it is even the same pair” “well im not happy with the test or my eye” “your eye?” “Yeah it doesn’t sound right” “your eye doesn’t sound right?” “yeah” “I think you should maybe go to the doctor” “im still not happy” he leaves

This is my guess is to how it went down.

“So what’s the new strategy for coke?” “well sir we have packed up the polar bears for another year and its almost spring, so people at the beach” “you fool half the uk is underwater and the other half its snowing * slap *” “sexy lady” “no is sexist” “um drinks with benefits are in” “what?” “well drinks with extras, you know energy, added vitamins, improves concentration. Like sports drinks” “yeah they love that bull shit” “brain and nerve tonic thing again?” “no that’s to 1887… need something new” “so should we add vitamins to coke” “fuck no, you retard, you know what happens when we say we have changed the recipe” “so how can we say some over sugary carbonated water is a benefit” “hang on, those tubby fucks that drink this piss are moaning it makes them fat. So that means they are not working off the calories. So get this right, make out that drinking it gives them the extra callers to do stuff. That way if they get fat we can say its clearly marked and advertised to give you calories to do stuff and if you don’t work them off it your fault” “sir that’s is the most evil thing I have ever herd” “drink with benefits there own fault that the get fat….. We’ll tackle the dental matter in a few months after we have sponsored the pope”

As I walked into the newsagent to collect my provisions the old bint was loudly swearing and moaning. I ignored this until I got to the till with my purchases. I discovered that she was wrestling with a pair of scissors (her special scissors) that someone else who works there had glued closed for a prank. I tip my hit

Think my brain is going to explode, massive out of body experience. Put my shop postcode into google street view and im sat at my desk wearing the same shirt as I have on today looking at the computer like I am now.

Woman storms in looking grumpy and ignores me saying “hello” “I need some new things” “pardon?” “some new things right” she says screwing her face up and acting like im being a dick, and throws some old mans glasses on the counter. “ohh a new set of nose pads” “yeah” she says sarcastically “well I don’t have these exact ones but I have some silicone ones” “well as long as they are soft ones” “well the ones that are on there are actually the hard type.” I show her the soft ones so she can compare. “are they the same size?”(she actuly holding them both in her hand) “more or less, the closest ive got” “they better be or else ill be bringing them back and throwing them at you” “right well you have seen then, if you want them they are £3” “WHAT!!!!!! I have to pay!!!!!” “well yes.” (what? you where threatening to throw them at me complaining if they where free?)

Ok you really have to admire some peoples optimism some times. There is a bloke sitting in a van outside and every few mins he tries’s to start it up. upon turning the key there is the unmistakable sound of bits of metal that really shouldn’t be hitting each other grinding and smashing. And im hearing this from across the road in a thick glass windowed shop. That van is very poorly. He’s tried 5 times in the last 15 mins each time its sounded like hes doing more damage. But that doesn’t stop him from waiting and trying again hoping that the next time he turns the key it will be magically fixed

Dunno if the guy I was dealing with was some kinda wannbe physicist trying to test me (or just test my patents for that matter)

“So lenses wise we can do a number of different materials, 1.5, 1.6, 1.67, 1.74 at the moment your old glasses are…” “1.6 what?” “sorry that’s the refractive index. the higher the number the slower light travels threw the lens, thus the lens can be made thinner” “higher the number is slower that doesn’t make sense” “well is the speed of light in a vacuum divided by the speed of light in the lens it's sort of an simpler way of representing it coz other wise your dealing with some pretty big numbers” “do you know the speed of light?” (He’s testing me) “Well for optical calculations its normally 3x10^8 m/s (he looks at me like he’s going to correct me) well that’s a slight approximation” “yes it is…. What is it really?” “well it 299,7 something. its just a little bit under 300million meters per second” (he looks at me pleased coz ive jumped threw his hoop) “671 million Mph” (he says smugly) “well that’s an approximation too  (he looks annoyed) So anyway, it’s the speed of light in a vacuum divided by the speed of light in the medium gives you the refractive index, water is about 1.33 diamond is 2.42 but as far as we are concerned here is relates to how thin we can make lenses” “HANG ON! What do you mean speed of light in a medium? The speed of light is constant” “the speed of light in a vacuum is “a” constant yes, E = mc² c is the speed of light” “so the speed of light is constant ITS ALWAYS THE SAME” “no its constant in a vacuum but denser mediums slow it down” “the speed of light is always the same! Its constant” “it can be slowed down” “no it cant” “umm yes it can” “NO it cant” “well it seems we have reached an impasse”

Guy comes running up the road, nearly knocks over an old man as he bursts threw my door. “ohh good I need your help” “ok” he starts rooting around in his pocket. And im expecting him to pull out a pair of glasses with a lens that’s dropped out or something. “Windsor way?” “Pardon?” “Windsor way” “what?” he manages to pull the thing from his pocket it’s a bit or paper “halfords Windsor way” he says out of breath and agitated at me for not knowing what the bloody hell hes talking about……

Its gonna be one of those mondays

driveing to work thers a bang of somthing hitting plastic, makes me jump but its not a wheel falling off or anything. looking around i find a liquorice twizzler has somehow made impact with the dash and windscreen from the inside. all windows closed..... what sweet based torment is this? where the hell did that come from?

Goodbye noble steed, you served me well these passed 9 years.

Arrive at work to find a piece of paper threw the door. It’s from the council. It’s grandly titled “operation resilience” and it’s about re-surfacing the little street behind the shop. does sorting out a 25 yard ally warrant an “operation” …….. if so then tonight I have “operation inebriation”, then “operation slothful pantaloons”  ,and watch out wife coz lastly there is “operation grapple panna cottas”

Bloke walks threw the door wearing woman’s sunglasses, its pretty dark out and snowing. Hes actually here to collect some reading glasses witch he does. Then says “good now I can do my paper work” pulls a big packet out his pocket and dumps it on my desk. Pulls out some prescription forms and a big packet covered in biohazard symbols. He fills in some form and asks me what pills he should have and then I notice the big bundle. The bundle only opens a little but I can see that it has “taking sample instructions” and its not for a sample of the of the old number 1, it for number 2’s. he starts filling in all the paperwork saying hes off up the doctors now. As im recoiling in horror and reaching for my antibac wipes

Some old man started talking to me in the hairdressers. He found out I was an optician. “I used to work at a hospital you know, people where for ever having to have there eyeballs put in” “umm its not possible to take an eyeball out and put it back in wor……” “we had this self harmer right, ripped up a padded cell. one time gutted himself, all his intestines hanging out. he used to eat tiles from the walls. another time came in with his eyeballs popped out hanging down on his cheeks. He was saying “ive been a naughty boy” they got put back. So there you go there’s your proof” (what fucking proof you crazy old git, some made up story)

todays getting wireder, reseved a "theres something at the post office for you" card. went in and the fee for it was £1.19. payed, it was an enverlope with a lump in. got back to the shop and opened it. the lump was a manky drumstick lolly

The odd old woman who in the newsagent remember her? Gets shitty when I use big notes just to buy the paper etc. well anyway probably once a month I go in there buy the milk and paper and then get back into work open the cupboard and find there is no tea. So immediately walk back in the newsagents for some tea bags. She for some reason thinks this is far funnier than it really is. Well that happened today.

“hahahaha they drank all your tea again”

“yeah” (thin smile and a shrug)

“hahaha they are always doing that to you and never buying any”

“Well they claim to be to busy too” (like its that much of an inconvenience, this conversation is more of an inconvenience)

“I don’t drink tea”

“ohh right, I do probably the only way I get milk”

“ I don’t drink milk”

“well if I didn’t id probably get rickets or osteoporosis or something”

“I don’t even have milk in the house” (she proclaims proudly whilst beaming from ear to ear revealing the only 3 teeth in her head giving me enough time to see that they are the colour of a snowball rolled in burnt engine oil.

Bloke stands outside stareing at the sign and then comes in “I got a letter” “a reminder letter saying your due an sight test” “dunno” “or do you have some glasses ready” “no, I got a letter from here, vision express” “no im not vision express” “ohh why did they send me a letter then?” “I don’t know” “ohh I want to know why they sent me a letter” “well id sagest reading the letter or go asking them” “where are they?” “well the Aldershot one is in the centre” “where?” “in the lower floor of the centre” “lower floor?” “yeah next to Wilkinson’s” “not in boots?” “no its below boots” “are you sure?” “pretty sure yeah” “no I think they have moved” “well they where there on Friday” “no they have moved” “right well what ever you say” “so you cant tell me what the letters about or why they sent it” “corse I cant! I don’t work for vision express” “fine”

woman comes in "do you sell glasses" "yes" "glasses frames" "yes" "ohh good" she walks around looking at stuff "do you have a prescription" "no, its at home" "so you do have a prescription just not on you so you don’t need a test" "i need them for my test i need my prescription for my test" "no if you have a prescription then you don’t need another test" "where did you have your test?" "what my driveing test?" "no your eye test" "ohh it was here" "ohh i can look up your prescription then name...." (she gives details)  "i cant find them you sure it was here?" "yes! it was up the road at specsavers" "i wont have your details then" "my husbands work pays for his glasses will his work pay for mine?" "you will have to ask them that" "oh?" she leaves

Phone rings it’s a supplier. “Your (really expensive lens order) is ready and you’ll get it Wednesday” “what orders that?” “Order with your reference: Wuttickend” “umm I don’t have anyone of that name, what’s the order number” “87648737”well our order numbers are only 4 digits” “well doesn’t matter you’ll get it Wednesday” “well id dose matter if I didn’t order it” “well its yours” “do you have the paper order in your hand?” “no” “can you give my anymore information on what it actually is” “no” “well can you go and find out” “ * sigh * ok”

5 mins pass

“Ive checked it’s defiantly yours” “right do you have our order number?” “87648737” “I told you our order numbers are only 4 digits” “well ive checked its yours” “have you got our paper order?” “no but ive checked” “ok tell me what frame we sent in for the lenses” “umm dunno” “is I a frame we sent in or is it and order just for uncut lenses?” “dunno” “can you go and get the paper copy we sent you and find out the frame and the order number” “well it doesn’t matter you’ll get it Wednesday” “well I don’t want it Wednesday if its not for me” “its for you” “ if its not, I don’t want to have to go threw the rigmarole of trying to send if back and get the money back” “its for you” “can you please go and get the paper” “ * big sight * ok”

5 mins pass in wich I phone my other shop and check its not for them…. Its not

“hello its Linda again, its defiantly for you” “have you got the paper” “ive been down and checked its yours” “I need the order number that’s on the paper to confirm this” “LOOK its order 87648737 and its defiantly yours” “that’s not one of our order number, its not a name of any person I have on my data base, nothing is even hinting at me that its an order from my shop. are you holding the paper order that I would have sent you?” “you’ll reseve your order Wednesday” “are you holding the paper order?” “NO” “ can you get the order” “look sir its your order im going to transpher you”

im on hold for a min

“hi Linda its Sharon” “umm this is Harry” “what?” “Linda was tranphering me to you” “ohh right sorry” “that’s ok (I then have to explain everything)” “right well ill go get the order, I can tell you it’s a Dunhill frame” “well I don’t sell those” “right ill call you back”

“hi Harry, yeah just gone and got it, its not yours, I want to apologise on behalf of Linda”

Bloke walks in “can I have a cloth” “ive got two types pentax or charity ones for the guide dogs, £3.50 or £1.99” “what?” “The pentax are £3.50 and the guide dogs ones are £1.99” “what they cost money” “umm yeah” “WELL FORGET IT THEN!” he stomps out.

Door opens and a gangly odd looking bloke waddles in im going to cut out all the things where he said something and I said pardon because I couldn’t under stand him. You can fill it in yourself for every thing he says, he said it 3 to 5 times before I understood it

“this a pub”

“no”

he trys to walk towards the stairs

“pub?”

“OI NO this isn’t a pub”

“where pub?”

“NOT HERE” (I get him back to the desk)

“snooker?” makes a mime so I can understand

“not here”

“where?”

“I don’t know”

“Ohh” he does a weird shrug like a drunk child

“bye”

“clean”

“what?”

“clean?” he trys to hand me his glasses there is no way on this eath im touvhing them

“I can sell you a cloth”

“clean?” pointing to the office, trying to make me go out back

“nope! I can sell you a cloth”

“a tissue?”

“a cleaning cloth”

“free?”

“no”

“no money” he slaps his pockets trying to show he has no money but he jangles like a charity box

“ok well bye”

“where pub”

“dunno bye”

“how much glasses” trying to grab the stock

“I can give you a quote if you have a prescription”

“same” trys to hand me the glasses again.

“nope, need a prescription”

“same, look look” trying to make me go out back

“no quote with out prescription”

“im a children, how much?”

“what?”

“im children how much?” he starts trying to pull the paper out of my credt card machine

“as I said I need to see a precription for a quote”

“same” he starts jabbing the buttons, I don’t want to get two close to this nutter.

“BYE”

“where pub?”

“not here BYE”

“ pub”

I get him out the door and he waddles off down the middle of the road

I have no idear weather he was mad or drunk or trying to shop lift or what

I can loose arguments with panache

Wife: you driving me to work?

Me: nope unless you really hadn’t noticed there’s still snow about

Wife: yeah, but the roads are clear, and the pavement is not so its more dangerous for me to walk than it is us to drive

Me: bollocks

Then I promptly slipped over and jarred my back narrowly avoiding braining myself and came close to pissing myself in agony

Me: fair point let’s drive

FIRST CRAZY OF THE YEAR!!!!!

I come down to open the shop and there’s is a car parked in next doors space. (pissing someone else off for once) it’s got loads of stupid stickers on it and generally a lot of bags and paper in it. the guy from next door phones me (yeah too lazy to walk) saying he’s had a closer look at the car and the keys are in the door (I was walking passes it the wrong way to see this) and that the woman’s purse and handbag are on the seat. We have a 2 min conversation about what to do. And deside to take the keys and put a note on the car. A woman shouts from the other side of the car park. I catch site of bright multicoloured trousers and a pink deerstalker. She’s dressed half hippy half clown. She doesn’t have all her own teeth. Shes screaming something like don’t ticket me ive been at Halifax. (Halifax is over the other side of town). “I dint have money to park, what are you doing with my car” “well you left…” “ive been having an argument with Halifax they wont give me money” “well you have left you ke…..” “look I don’t want an argument with you” “im trying to tell you that…” “ they wont give me any money” “your keys are in the door” “Halifax wont give me money coz I cant find my cash card” “LISTEN! You have left you car keys in the door of you car, and you have left you purse and hand bag on seat!” “ohh thank got I’d been looking for that” “well be more careful someone could have taken everything” “well the dog would have looked after it” (now im not saying there wasn’t a dog in the car, but if there was. it didnt make it self known in all the time we where looking at the car and in the car and it would have to have been extremely small and hidden amongst all the crap) she carried on talking gibberish as me and the guy from the other shop walked away.

Do vampires poo black pudding?