Ok you really have to admire some peoples optimism some times. There is a bloke sitting in a van outside and every few mins he tries’s to start it up. upon turning the key there is the unmistakable sound of bits of metal that really shouldn’t be hitting each other grinding and smashing. And im hearing this from across the road in a thick glass windowed shop. That van is very poorly. He’s tried 5 times in the last 15 mins each time its sounded like hes doing more damage. But that doesn’t stop him from waiting and trying again hoping that the next time he turns the key it will be magically fixed

Dunno if the guy I was dealing with was some kinda wannbe physicist trying to test me (or just test my patents for that matter)

“So lenses wise we can do a number of different materials, 1.5, 1.6, 1.67, 1.74 at the moment your old glasses are…” “1.6 what?” “sorry that’s the refractive index. the higher the number the slower light travels threw the lens, thus the lens can be made thinner” “higher the number is slower that doesn’t make sense” “well is the speed of light in a vacuum divided by the speed of light in the lens it's sort of an simpler way of representing it coz other wise your dealing with some pretty big numbers” “do you know the speed of light?” (He’s testing me) “Well for optical calculations its normally 3x10^8 m/s (he looks at me like he’s going to correct me) well that’s a slight approximation” “yes it is…. What is it really?” “well it 299,7 something. its just a little bit under 300million meters per second” (he looks at me pleased coz ive jumped threw his hoop) “671 million Mph” (he says smugly) “well that’s an approximation too  (he looks annoyed) So anyway, it’s the speed of light in a vacuum divided by the speed of light in the medium gives you the refractive index, water is about 1.33 diamond is 2.42 but as far as we are concerned here is relates to how thin we can make lenses” “HANG ON! What do you mean speed of light in a medium? The speed of light is constant” “the speed of light in a vacuum is “a” constant yes, E = mc² c is the speed of light” “so the speed of light is constant ITS ALWAYS THE SAME” “no its constant in a vacuum but denser mediums slow it down” “the speed of light is always the same! Its constant” “it can be slowed down” “no it cant” “umm yes it can” “NO it cant” “well it seems we have reached an impasse”

Guy comes running up the road, nearly knocks over an old man as he bursts threw my door. “ohh good I need your help” “ok” he starts rooting around in his pocket. And im expecting him to pull out a pair of glasses with a lens that’s dropped out or something. “Windsor way?” “Pardon?” “Windsor way” “what?” he manages to pull the thing from his pocket it’s a bit or paper “halfords Windsor way” he says out of breath and agitated at me for not knowing what the bloody hell hes talking about……

Its gonna be one of those mondays

driveing to work thers a bang of somthing hitting plastic, makes me jump but its not a wheel falling off or anything. looking around i find a liquorice twizzler has somehow made impact with the dash and windscreen from the inside. all windows closed..... what sweet based torment is this? where the hell did that come from?

Goodbye noble steed, you served me well these passed 9 years.

Arrive at work to find a piece of paper threw the door. It’s from the council. It’s grandly titled “operation resilience” and it’s about re-surfacing the little street behind the shop. does sorting out a 25 yard ally warrant an “operation” …….. if so then tonight I have “operation inebriation”, then “operation slothful pantaloons”  ,and watch out wife coz lastly there is “operation grapple panna cottas”

Bloke walks threw the door wearing woman’s sunglasses, its pretty dark out and snowing. Hes actually here to collect some reading glasses witch he does. Then says “good now I can do my paper work” pulls a big packet out his pocket and dumps it on my desk. Pulls out some prescription forms and a big packet covered in biohazard symbols. He fills in some form and asks me what pills he should have and then I notice the big bundle. The bundle only opens a little but I can see that it has “taking sample instructions” and its not for a sample of the of the old number 1, it for number 2’s. he starts filling in all the paperwork saying hes off up the doctors now. As im recoiling in horror and reaching for my antibac wipes

Some old man started talking to me in the hairdressers. He found out I was an optician. “I used to work at a hospital you know, people where for ever having to have there eyeballs put in” “umm its not possible to take an eyeball out and put it back in wor……” “we had this self harmer right, ripped up a padded cell. one time gutted himself, all his intestines hanging out. he used to eat tiles from the walls. another time came in with his eyeballs popped out hanging down on his cheeks. He was saying “ive been a naughty boy” they got put back. So there you go there’s your proof” (what fucking proof you crazy old git, some made up story)

todays getting wireder, reseved a "theres something at the post office for you" card. went in and the fee for it was £1.19. payed, it was an enverlope with a lump in. got back to the shop and opened it. the lump was a manky drumstick lolly

The odd old woman who in the newsagent remember her? Gets shitty when I use big notes just to buy the paper etc. well anyway probably once a month I go in there buy the milk and paper and then get back into work open the cupboard and find there is no tea. So immediately walk back in the newsagents for some tea bags. She for some reason thinks this is far funnier than it really is. Well that happened today.

“hahahaha they drank all your tea again”

“yeah” (thin smile and a shrug)

“hahaha they are always doing that to you and never buying any”

“Well they claim to be to busy too” (like its that much of an inconvenience, this conversation is more of an inconvenience)

“I don’t drink tea”

“ohh right, I do probably the only way I get milk”

“ I don’t drink milk”

“well if I didn’t id probably get rickets or osteoporosis or something”

“I don’t even have milk in the house” (she proclaims proudly whilst beaming from ear to ear revealing the only 3 teeth in her head giving me enough time to see that they are the colour of a snowball rolled in burnt engine oil.

Bloke stands outside stareing at the sign and then comes in “I got a letter” “a reminder letter saying your due an sight test” “dunno” “or do you have some glasses ready” “no, I got a letter from here, vision express” “no im not vision express” “ohh why did they send me a letter then?” “I don’t know” “ohh I want to know why they sent me a letter” “well id sagest reading the letter or go asking them” “where are they?” “well the Aldershot one is in the centre” “where?” “in the lower floor of the centre” “lower floor?” “yeah next to Wilkinson’s” “not in boots?” “no its below boots” “are you sure?” “pretty sure yeah” “no I think they have moved” “well they where there on Friday” “no they have moved” “right well what ever you say” “so you cant tell me what the letters about or why they sent it” “corse I cant! I don’t work for vision express” “fine”

woman comes in "do you sell glasses" "yes" "glasses frames" "yes" "ohh good" she walks around looking at stuff "do you have a prescription" "no, its at home" "so you do have a prescription just not on you so you don’t need a test" "i need them for my test i need my prescription for my test" "no if you have a prescription then you don’t need another test" "where did you have your test?" "what my driveing test?" "no your eye test" "ohh it was here" "ohh i can look up your prescription then name...." (she gives details)  "i cant find them you sure it was here?" "yes! it was up the road at specsavers" "i wont have your details then" "my husbands work pays for his glasses will his work pay for mine?" "you will have to ask them that" "oh?" she leaves