For fucks sake. (warning long post and i havnt had a chance to spell check it)

In Aldershot as in every town, there is a type of people, these people are a waste of space and there is only I way to deal with them, very carefully

They have been in the pub from 10 am, then the go to the bookies then back to the pub. 3pm they deside they best do what they where going to do today.

I used to be able to identify them by the smell of smoke. Now that’s gone the smell of booze is harder to smell.

I guy comes in faintly smelling of alcahol, and pauses before he talks for too long to be normal. Warning go off in my head.

“mate …. Mate I want my eyes tested”
“ok sir … I can book you in”

long pause

“so not now then”
“im sorry I don’t have any avalble appointments until next week” (I lie)

long pause

“cant I just buy some glasses…………………. Ill pay”
“im sorry it dosnt work like that. We. Need to doo an eyete..”
“look mate cant I just try a few on and see wich work I don’t care”
“no the NEED to be made”
“well I can try them……. Coz my eyes have gone funny” at this point he point to his own eye and almost stabes his finger drunkenly into his brain
“got to do a test it’s the way it works” (plese stab yourself)

then theres a long pause where he looks at me confused and unhappy then the expression change to that of a drunk about to rainbow yawn.

He ssems to regain control of him self, as I look discussed and slightly worried about the thought of 1 dodgeing his vomit then having to kick him in, and then mop it up.

“can I have some water”
“no” (probably a bit rude of me)
“what?”
“no I haven’t got any” (I lie again)
“what?”
“look theres a news agents next door”
“well what do you drink then?”
well… coke from next door” (obouse lie to anyone that knows me)

he looks at me confused and then a bit more annoyed the stats giving me his phone number I jot it down on a scrap of paper then throw it in thebin. With him still sitting there infront of me. He fails to notice

“you’ll give me a call then?”
“yep”

then he starts to reach slowly into his pocket. Mental I start to think about what it would be like to punch him if it was nessery. Will technicly its nessery now but that’s just my opinion, so nessery buy self defence starndards. He pulls out a red post office come and get your parsell coz you wherent in thing he drunkenly flips it over and over in his hands

“you know the {mumble} started 8 {mumble}”
“what?”
“the premership”
“ohh right”
“yeah well the sun {mumble}” (says a lot I understand none of it apart from the guess that maybe hes order something about foot ball from the sun news paper)
I nod and he contiues to mumble

Then I make my mestake. I try to be funny

“sods law about the post strike then”
“what?”
“well you have to get it and there a strike on?”
“its taken the 8 games worth of time to send it to me”
“and sods law it arrives in the middle of a postal strike” (this few lines get repeted a few times with the guy getting more and more annoyed)

“do you want to read the form”
“no thank you”
“well it says its here”
“yeah but aint they closed from 12 as the strikes started again”
“its taken them 8 weeks to send it to me”
“and its sods law its arrived now”
“look the fuck form says its at the sorting office”
“that’s lovely but isn’t it closed”
“what?”
“coz there is a strike on”
“well its cost me £2.73 to get here”
“right…..” I just look at him funny
“well sir mr ive got a tie… I phoned them”
“ok “
“coz im older than you”
“that’s nice for you then isn’t it” (a bit to sarcastic for my own good)

he gets up and kicks the chair, as a girl probably only 15-16 comes in. he starts making faces behind her back like a pedophile. And winking at her. Thankfully she oblivouse to all this. He walks out the door and looks threw the window at me and her talking making sagestive facees.

The girl hands over some old specs for charity. And goes to leave

“wait a minuet”
the girl looks panicy at me “?”
“that guy is pissed out of his head just wait a second for him to go”
“ohh ok….. hes probuly been in my mums charity shop”
I look at the bloke and he walks off

“thanks ill put thses in the carty box” and she leaves




on lighter notes

stuwart lee was brillent, if you have the chance see hit 41st best standup ever show. Also had a surprisingly good walm up act of Stephen carlin.

I hate shoe shopping with a passion you can only dream of. So I had to buy some shoes to play badminton in that don’t mark the floor. Coz this monkey on a power trip at the sports hall always thinks I haven’t payed and that a liitle bit of black rubber on the floor (witch I didn’t put there) constitutes criminal damage

I went to socour sport or what ever they are called this week in blazingstoke. It’s a aladins cave of diccount sweatshop merchendise. My rules for shoe shoping are as follows

Rule 1. done go shoe shoping

If this rule gets broken then go to rule set b

1.b swifness is the key take no longer than 5 mins or I will snap
2.b only try on shoe that are in my size on the shelf to avoid picking something I hate slightly less than everything else only to find its not available.
3.b pick pay get out AAAAAAHHHHH I fucking hate shoe shoping

now anys techneque is very different. He like to fucking do everything possbale to the shoe before he buys it, he practicly had a clip bord and was giving the shoe marks out of 10 at different paced walks. He was then extramly upset when the 5 mins where up, and I angrly shouted fuck it this is taking too long and picked up a random shoe put it on and then went that will do. Leaving him holding a pair that I said where comfier. “But there are more compy.” “Couldn’t give a fuck this shit is taking to long” “but but but” “but what a shoe is a shoe” “but you have to buy the most compy nomater what the cost” “ill brake them in”
all the time in the que he said he felt sad for me.

I got home and my sister being a girl likes shoes. I hate them buy the way, and feet. She opened them expecting my noram air walk deck shoes, and was met by a brillent white trainer. She laughed for a full minuet then almost hyperventilated. “there quie nice” I continued to frown at her “no relly” “why you laughting then?” “was it?” “look there just for badminton and they need to be white so the don’t mark the floor” “of you counsel estate” “no the sports hall”

Thej she moans at my mother for 45 mins about the army open show day she been on. Shes been sat in the rain for hours. Whej some one came up and asked if she had enjoyed her day she said. “if I wanded to wach army stuff I would have stayed at home with a cup of tea and watched saving private ryan” the person that asked her was stood next to a major