Gambling the slippery slope



Now I’m not sure if I’m working class or middle class, I’m probably a fine line between upper working and lower middle. Everyone that when we get into this banned pub conversion has a different opion of me. Banned pub topics also include, science, politics, philosophy, time travel, the speed of light, soseo economic groupings, immigration, the media, nimmo club, and anything wongo says.

So basically I’m not very good at pretending to be working class and I’m just passable at work pretending to be a little bit middle class when the ocation calls for it. I’m generally paseved to be a drip by builder’s mechanics plumbers and roofers. This is probably why I can never get my car fixed.

“Excuse me”
“What?”
“Hullo, I was wondering if I could book my car in, there seems to be a problem with the fuel management chip”
“Yeah?”
“Well the engine seems to be revving uncontrollably”
“You sure?”
“Well yes”
“Ok well take a look”

I come back 9 hours later after sitting on my ass all day coz I have no car.

“Hullo again, some one was supposed to phone me to say….”
“What?”
“Umm… is my car fixed?”
“na …. Didn’t get around to it.”
“ohh….so….umm”
“well il have a look tomorrow.”
“but I need it to morrow to get to work. That’s why I came in today”
“well… you best book it in for next week then”
“ok”

day wasted

Cutting a long story short when they finally did look at it the said it was broken, but couldn’t be bothered to fix it as the job was a bit of a hassle, the car was still moving, so what’s the pint. Well I thought the point would be to not help exhaust the worlds supply of petrol unnecessarily.

My main problem with middle class people is I can’t tell when they’re winding me up. Or if I can I just find it so unamuseing I carry on as normal as if to go “ha ha I can see right threw your stupid game I know the haven’t taken gullible out of the dictionary I only said oh on have they why? I used that word a lot what am I going to do now” but it always backfires and I wind up looking thick.

My mate Chris has written a similar blog about this and his own experiences I cant be bothered to link you to the exact article, but its linked in the margin to his blog.

I can handle going into a spit and saw dust pub in my suit. You get a few stairs, but as soon as you say “pint of fosters please, mate” that’s you fine. Mate the word of the working class, the pass word the let them know your in their club. And you have to use manners in the wrong order, like they are tacked on like you normal forget or wouldn’t use them.

“Please may I have a pint of fosters” becomes “pint of fosters. Please. Mate.”

Simple switch round and your covered.

Getting on to the point. Bookies, bookmakers, betting shops. Inhabited my tramps lo lifes and dogs on bits of string. These places are as un known to me as the dark side of the sun. I have been in them maybe once or twice. First time was with a guy from collage who wanted to put a bet on. We went in and I looked at the banks of TV screens with pretty much hieroglyphics on. The stench of smoke and old man piss hit me like a train. And you can tell by looking at some people that’s what they do, they go in 10 to 5, and blow their money. Shit when I retire I plan on doing that but just in a pub instead. At least ill get something out of it. (Probably serosis of the liver)

As I walked passed the bookies I saw the odds on Croatia winning was 7 – 1. Now that’s not a bad return. And that if I put a bet on them winning 2-0 that was 40 to 1. So if I placed two bets fiver on each. And Croatia do win 2-0 I get almost 250 sterling’s, if Croatia just win that 40sterlings, so tenner terns into 40 quid or if I’m really lucky £245. I thought that’s not a bad idea. Mum has brought me up not to gamble. And I have seen mates do it and loose a lot of money. I don’t Evan play fruit machines. I do play quiz machines but that’s coz I like the quiz part not the tiny chance I could win some money. The ways England have been playing. An id don’t know much about football, but I know that Gerard and lampard cant play together (I herd it in the pub so it must be true), and that putting in a 22 year old goal keeper with hardly any experience was probably a bad idea. I was thinking more and more that my bet was a good idea. But to go in the bookies was another. 2 years ago. I saw that lordi where 17 to 1 to win Eurovision. And I let that slip me by coz I wouldn’t go in and brave the dirty people. I had a look at betting web sites, but I had to sign up and then pay with a credit card and then take my money back off them and they charged to actually get you winnings and stuff. Waste of time and bad idea. Worst thing was tho. I have no idea who to fill in a betting slip. I sqoured the inter net for help. Al I could find was I had to go and Wright it don on a betting slip, ask about the odds, pay, then hopefully win. I was panicking coz I cant Evan spell Croatia. Just as I had plucked up the courage two blokes came out of the bookies and into my shop. They had more flys on them than the average Ethiopian in a comic relief video. 20 min later, id finished working on my deep breathing exercises to get ready for the possible 5 mins I would have to hold my breath. Hold you breath avoid eye contact, you don’t want anyone talking to you. GO GO GO. I’m in. screens, paper, tramps everyware. Shit! Fuck what slips are for what? People are looking at me! I’m in the way of the TV, where some strange looking animals are racing. Cock it! Spots me a sign for football. Yes! Over there! There are loads of different types of slip. All different matches all different forms. I find the right one I tick the boxes. I take it to the woman at the counter that looks lonely without a B&H hanging from the side of her mouth. I hand it over. “Please could you check it, I’m new at this” she looks at me funny and reads out my bet loud. Croatia to win, and Croatia to win 2 – 0” “um yeah that right” I here the audible ruffle from everyone in the place turning to stare at me. “He’s betting against England” I gulp. “He’s unpatriotic”. It was almost like panto. I was pretty much booed and hissed as I pass over my money. I darted for the door and back to the safety of my shop.

Now I have to go back and get my winnings, I'm expecting a lynch mob of old men is macs that smell like yak piss to waiting to string me up and set there little dogs on bits of string leads on me.


I accidentally turned tom into a gambler too. His betting system was crazy. I hope he wrights a guest bit. Ill try to convince him


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guest blog from tom



Well Harry asked me to write a bit on his blog of our gambling exploits over the Croatia V England football fixture in which we lost. Harry chose a likely result of Croatia to win which was like 7/1 so £5 got £40 return. He also put £5 on Croatia 2-0 which was at 40/1. Which would have got him £205 for his original £5. This made me laugh so I put on a very obscure bet. Neither me nor Harry had put a bet on before so was pretty hilarious just talking about it. Harry went for what he thought as a dead cert and just a chance of 2-0 as the payoff was good. So I thought, you know what, Fuck it. So I went for Croatia to win 1-0 and chose the guy who hadn’t scored in like 5 years to get the goal. This was at 120/1. So my £5 would have got me £605 return, which as a student, would suit me very well. But due to my conscience, I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to win. So I put on 2 more bets to cover any possible loss. And these bets are what prompted Harry to ask me to write a blog. I put on £3.08 on a draw which was at 9/4, so this got me £10.01 back. I also put on £1.92 on Croatia to win. This was 7/1 so I would have made back £15.36. Since I spent £10 on the 3 bets, as long as England didn’t win, I would make back between 1p and £610.36. After only 9 minutes or so my £605 win was off the cards as somebody else scored the first goal. And 10 minutes into the second half Harry’s £205 stake was lost. So we are both playing over Xbox live, with his sister giving us goal updates as we hope that England lose. Very patriotic I know. The final score 3-2 to Croatia, Harry wins £40 with a £35 profit, I win £15.36 with a £5.36 profit. The jobs a good’un. And the moral of this story. Bet for the most random thing you can, but make sure you cover yourself with other bets to make sure you don’t lose any money.

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