My big mouth + being an idiot magnet = calling for Andy like a girl




Well I was feeling ill so I didn’t really want to go out, but a few people where so I thought what the hell, a couple of glasses of pop down the mills wont hurt. Bad thing was the mills was hired out. So Andy decided we should try the angel, because they have a pool table. We get there there’s a band on. In the top bar however there is a poker tournament on, and it looks like its been going on all day. And only one table is still being used, the rest are being turned back into pub tables. The noise wasn’t too loud up there so that’s where we stayed. From where I was sitting a say the end of the poker tournament. I count see any cards but I saw who won. A few mins later some kid. At the oldest he was 18 but I doubt it, collapses next to our table. Hes gone. Eyes rolling into head. Some blokes just pop him in a chair at our table. Hes dribbling and looking like hes not having a good time anymore. Then a big shoelace of dribble stats to emerge from his mouth. Quick as a flash Ben and myself whip out our phones and start taking a souvenir snap. The winner of the poker tournament who is dancing on his own, and fallen over a few times, sees this and comes over and sits next to me.

“Oi you cant take pictures of my mate”
“ohh ok sorry man. He just looks really funny hes gone”
“Yeah ive been here since 10:30”
“I ment him but ok…. If hes your mate, shouldn’t you be taking him home or getting him a cab”
“Who?”
“That bloke you said he was your mate.”
“Na I don’t know him”
“Right you just said I shouldn’t take pictures of your mate”
“Ohh I just came over for some banter”
“I see”
“So coz hes almost passed out do you want to rape him?”
“umm… no thanks, but with all us being here, don’t let that stop you”

He says amazing banter a lot, copies all my actions like mimes when im having a sip of my drink. Has a good crack at insulting me and interrupts so I cant get a word in edge ways. He bimbles off for a few mins then come back. He starts trying to engage in banter again. I quickly interrupt

“So I see you won the poker thing”
“No”
“Really?…. but I saw you holding the trophy”
Said extremely sarcastically “Na I was just holding it for a laugh”
I top this by crossing sarcastic and gullible together. “Really…. Oh my god buy doing that it made me think you had won, and when people asked me who had one I told them it was you…. Oh now ive made such a mistake… you holding that trophy for a laugh has caused so much confusion…. I think you should make a speech saying who the real winner was and what you where doing was only for a joke”
“I did really win”
“Yes I know”

Just then a middle age woman trips over and imaginary invisible tortoise. She comes crashing down with a humongous thud and looks like she landed badly. No one come to her aid for about 2 mins (possibly longer). At this point poker champ changes up a gear and turns into a Russell brand wannabe. He basically tries to gross me out. (something very few people on the planet can do) he starts buy say that I want to but one of my nuts in her and I say something along the lines of I think he should have a go coz if I can only get a nut in im sure he can get more in I know she’s old but he can thumb in his softy. This exchange goes back and forth for a while then he goes. Hes genuinely laughing and he looks bright and friendly and keeps saying top banter at me. Andy however says something along the lines of “fuck Harry I thought I was going to have to get up then” I was genuinely shocked. He guy seemed aggressive but playful. He starts dancing again. Wilts first aid is being admistered to the middle aged woman. The landlady is investigating how she fell. I catch her attention and say I was watching and she didn’t trip on the step the floor wasn’t wet, she just fell over. The woman and her partner seemed to basically be jumping on this pubs going to get sued line. I really hope they don’t. The plus point of this was that the landlady spoke to me and knew that I was not drunk. Well I was be she knew I was sensible witnessed the event and knew what happened.

The some other kid collapsed, ive never seen so many people keel over in one pub in such a short space of time.

Well leanna was looking horrified bless her. But I still thought this was all in good fun and height spirits

We where told to drink up, and leanna grabbed my pint and took a massive swig as a point that she wanted to leave, she hates beer

I went rightly dokey, going to go drain the lizard before we hit the dusty trail.

On the way to the look a middle-aged guy catches my eye,

“Seems you have made a friend there”
“TUT (look to the sky) … yeah hes like a skin head Russell brand”
The guy looks I bit horrified and said I sound have said that……

Just as I finish evacuating wee wee from my body, the loo door gets kicked in on me

In the door way is Russell brand wannabe

“wooh shit you almost did me a mischief”
He just looks at me….. Long pause then puts a hand on me
“Ive seen your Russell brand impression now an I going to see your George Michael one”
His eyes have changed from having that playful sparkle to being cold

“You have insulted me tonight”
“Well… we where having some banter you gave as good as you got”

He puts his back to one side of the doorframe and arm on the other wedging himself in the way. His other had not strangling me but just below my throght pushing me against the wall. The loos have over flowed and the floor is almost over the rubber on my shoes. When I was walking out the loo I was holding my trouser legs in a way as to not drag in the piss. So complete unprepared I put my right arm under his. Wedging him almost at arms length. Basically so he can’t head butt me. At this point ive realised he doesn’t need the loo as I try to walk out a few times. He has the drunken look of some one wanting a fight

“Look pal, we had a bit of fun talking bollox… we had a bit of banter it was a good laugh. You have won the poker tournament; we both have had a bit to drink. It’s been a good day. So if you don’t mind ill be off”
“You insulted me”
“Well im sorry if I upset you, but you said a lot of stuff about me…. I thought we where having a laugh”
“You insulted me”
“Well you came and sat down and started insulting me… I didn’t ask for that”

At this point he tried to head butt me. My grip is good and he misses.

“Do I scare you?”
“no… I thing you have had too much to drink…”

He head buts again grips still good …. Misses

“Do I scare you?”
“No you don’t”
3rd try he misses

“Do I scare you?”
“No you bloody don’t. You have too much to drink; I think you should just let me go. Then you can use the loo” (I was trying to distract him…. Wed been stood there for a while, he drank a lot hoped it would make him need the loo and forget about head butting me. It didn’t work.

At this point I could hear a lot of voices in the corridor out side the loo…. One of them is Andy’s. The guy realises its my mate too.

“Im going to hit you now”
“Look just let me go”

He starts to let go of the doorframe getting ready to punch me. Coz im off balance and sliding around in piss, I have to time my action just right. I could get a punch in first. Only problem is my right hand is stopping him getting close if I take that off im going to get a nutting. And a punch from my left is about as strong as having those little seeds blow of a dandy lion at you… and I already had him at my arms length so I could barely reach him. I could grab his nuts….. Pretty sure that would make the situation worse.

So I pushed against him off the wall I was pushed up against. Surprisingly he moved quite a lot and slipped on the piss. Sadly he extremely quickly knew what was happening and rammed himself back between the doorframe. And I had no choice but to step back out of head butting range. So pinned again.

So more talking ensued. I cant rely remember who it went but im pretty sure it was me repeating stuff like we had a good night now lets not spoil it being silly.

The voices in the corridor where getting louder there was more and more people. I could hear Andy and Ben now…. They where 1 step out side the door. Why the hell didn’t they just make that one step and this guy surely would let me go….

He released his arm from the doorframe and made a fist. I was going to have to act. Only chance was the push. I was getting ready to take a punch and then push him off balance. Then make a move for the door hopeing I don’t slip on the piss. Or that his punch actually dose any damage.

“Call for your mate”
“What?”
“Call for your mate”
“Sorry I don’t understand” (what is this that bit at the end of terminator 2…. )I thought this but thought better of saying it)
“I was him to see me hit you and I want to beat 2 of you up”
“Right?”
“CALL HIM I want to beat two of you up”
“ANDY!!!!!” it came out 3 octaves higher than I wanted. I was trying to project my voice into the hall so he would hear and that I wouldn’t have to call him more than once. I knew that they would all come in. it’s a real shame it came out as a girly call for help.

“You pussy!!”
“What?”
“You called for your mate”
“You told me too, you said you wanted to beat both of us up”
He started to look confused and called me a pussy for calling for my mate

Andy came in, followed by the middle-aged guy, then Ben.

The guy looked around at them and weekend his grip. I pushed forward and made ground, I pushed passed him. As Andy walked towards us. I was passed him. I quickly walked out. Best thing to do was leave, so he couldn’t follow and that this couldn’t spill out onto the street. I was met by the landlady and landlord asking if I was aright, the a bouncer asking if I was ok. Then all my friends.

We snuck off into the cold night with another story of how I narrowly avoided getting a punch and covered in other peoples piss.

Well that pub is the pub we go to after badminton….. Lets see if they have anything to say to me.

Im sure I haven’t remembered it all. If any one has please stick it in the comments