Bloke walks threw the door wearing woman’s sunglasses, its pretty dark out and snowing. Hes actually here to collect some reading glasses witch he does. Then says “good now I can do my paper work” pulls a big packet out his pocket and dumps it on my desk. Pulls out some prescription forms and a big packet covered in biohazard symbols. He fills in some form and asks me what pills he should have and then I notice the big bundle. The bundle only opens a little but I can see that it has “taking sample instructions” and its not for a sample of the of the old number 1, it for number 2’s. he starts filling in all the paperwork saying hes off up the doctors now. As im recoiling in horror and reaching for my antibac wipes

Some old man started talking to me in the hairdressers. He found out I was an optician. “I used to work at a hospital you know, people where for ever having to have there eyeballs put in” “umm its not possible to take an eyeball out and put it back in wor……” “we had this self harmer right, ripped up a padded cell. one time gutted himself, all his intestines hanging out. he used to eat tiles from the walls. another time came in with his eyeballs popped out hanging down on his cheeks. He was saying “ive been a naughty boy” they got put back. So there you go there’s your proof” (what fucking proof you crazy old git, some made up story)

todays getting wireder, reseved a "theres something at the post office for you" card. went in and the fee for it was £1.19. payed, it was an enverlope with a lump in. got back to the shop and opened it. the lump was a manky drumstick lolly

The odd old woman who in the newsagent remember her? Gets shitty when I use big notes just to buy the paper etc. well anyway probably once a month I go in there buy the milk and paper and then get back into work open the cupboard and find there is no tea. So immediately walk back in the newsagents for some tea bags. She for some reason thinks this is far funnier than it really is. Well that happened today.

“hahahaha they drank all your tea again”

“yeah” (thin smile and a shrug)

“hahaha they are always doing that to you and never buying any”

“Well they claim to be to busy too” (like its that much of an inconvenience, this conversation is more of an inconvenience)

“I don’t drink tea”

“ohh right, I do probably the only way I get milk”

“ I don’t drink milk”

“well if I didn’t id probably get rickets or osteoporosis or something”

“I don’t even have milk in the house” (she proclaims proudly whilst beaming from ear to ear revealing the only 3 teeth in her head giving me enough time to see that they are the colour of a snowball rolled in burnt engine oil.

Bloke stands outside stareing at the sign and then comes in “I got a letter” “a reminder letter saying your due an sight test” “dunno” “or do you have some glasses ready” “no, I got a letter from here, vision express” “no im not vision express” “ohh why did they send me a letter then?” “I don’t know” “ohh I want to know why they sent me a letter” “well id sagest reading the letter or go asking them” “where are they?” “well the Aldershot one is in the centre” “where?” “in the lower floor of the centre” “lower floor?” “yeah next to Wilkinson’s” “not in boots?” “no its below boots” “are you sure?” “pretty sure yeah” “no I think they have moved” “well they where there on Friday” “no they have moved” “right well what ever you say” “so you cant tell me what the letters about or why they sent it” “corse I cant! I don’t work for vision express” “fine”

woman comes in "do you sell glasses" "yes" "glasses frames" "yes" "ohh good" she walks around looking at stuff "do you have a prescription" "no, its at home" "so you do have a prescription just not on you so you don’t need a test" "i need them for my test i need my prescription for my test" "no if you have a prescription then you don’t need another test" "where did you have your test?" "what my driveing test?" "no your eye test" "ohh it was here" "ohh i can look up your prescription then name...." (she gives details)  "i cant find them you sure it was here?" "yes! it was up the road at specsavers" "i wont have your details then" "my husbands work pays for his glasses will his work pay for mine?" "you will have to ask them that" "oh?" she leaves

Phone rings it’s a supplier. “Your (really expensive lens order) is ready and you’ll get it Wednesday” “what orders that?” “Order with your reference: Wuttickend” “umm I don’t have anyone of that name, what’s the order number” “87648737”well our order numbers are only 4 digits” “well doesn’t matter you’ll get it Wednesday” “well id dose matter if I didn’t order it” “well its yours” “do you have the paper order in your hand?” “no” “can you give my anymore information on what it actually is” “no” “well can you go and find out” “ * sigh * ok”

5 mins pass

“Ive checked it’s defiantly yours” “right do you have our order number?” “87648737” “I told you our order numbers are only 4 digits” “well ive checked its yours” “have you got our paper order?” “no but ive checked” “ok tell me what frame we sent in for the lenses” “umm dunno” “is I a frame we sent in or is it and order just for uncut lenses?” “dunno” “can you go and get the paper copy we sent you and find out the frame and the order number” “well it doesn’t matter you’ll get it Wednesday” “well I don’t want it Wednesday if its not for me” “its for you” “ if its not, I don’t want to have to go threw the rigmarole of trying to send if back and get the money back” “its for you” “can you please go and get the paper” “ * big sight * ok”

5 mins pass in wich I phone my other shop and check its not for them…. Its not

“hello its Linda again, its defiantly for you” “have you got the paper” “ive been down and checked its yours” “I need the order number that’s on the paper to confirm this” “LOOK its order 87648737 and its defiantly yours” “that’s not one of our order number, its not a name of any person I have on my data base, nothing is even hinting at me that its an order from my shop. are you holding the paper order that I would have sent you?” “you’ll reseve your order Wednesday” “are you holding the paper order?” “NO” “ can you get the order” “look sir its your order im going to transpher you”

im on hold for a min

“hi Linda its Sharon” “umm this is Harry” “what?” “Linda was tranphering me to you” “ohh right sorry” “that’s ok (I then have to explain everything)” “right well ill go get the order, I can tell you it’s a Dunhill frame” “well I don’t sell those” “right ill call you back”

“hi Harry, yeah just gone and got it, its not yours, I want to apologise on behalf of Linda”

Bloke walks in “can I have a cloth” “ive got two types pentax or charity ones for the guide dogs, £3.50 or £1.99” “what?” “The pentax are £3.50 and the guide dogs ones are £1.99” “what they cost money” “umm yeah” “WELL FORGET IT THEN!” he stomps out.

Door opens and a gangly odd looking bloke waddles in im going to cut out all the things where he said something and I said pardon because I couldn’t under stand him. You can fill it in yourself for every thing he says, he said it 3 to 5 times before I understood it

“this a pub”

“no”

he trys to walk towards the stairs

“pub?”

“OI NO this isn’t a pub”

“where pub?”

“NOT HERE” (I get him back to the desk)

“snooker?” makes a mime so I can understand

“not here”

“where?”

“I don’t know”

“Ohh” he does a weird shrug like a drunk child

“bye”

“clean”

“what?”

“clean?” he trys to hand me his glasses there is no way on this eath im touvhing them

“I can sell you a cloth”

“clean?” pointing to the office, trying to make me go out back

“nope! I can sell you a cloth”

“a tissue?”

“a cleaning cloth”

“free?”

“no”

“no money” he slaps his pockets trying to show he has no money but he jangles like a charity box

“ok well bye”

“where pub”

“dunno bye”

“how much glasses” trying to grab the stock

“I can give you a quote if you have a prescription”

“same” trys to hand me the glasses again.

“nope, need a prescription”

“same, look look” trying to make me go out back

“no quote with out prescription”

“im a children, how much?”

“what?”

“im children how much?” he starts trying to pull the paper out of my credt card machine

“as I said I need to see a precription for a quote”

“same” he starts jabbing the buttons, I don’t want to get two close to this nutter.

“BYE”

“where pub?”

“not here BYE”

“ pub”

I get him out the door and he waddles off down the middle of the road

I have no idear weather he was mad or drunk or trying to shop lift or what

I can loose arguments with panache

Wife: you driving me to work?

Me: nope unless you really hadn’t noticed there’s still snow about

Wife: yeah, but the roads are clear, and the pavement is not so its more dangerous for me to walk than it is us to drive

Me: bollocks

Then I promptly slipped over and jarred my back narrowly avoiding braining myself and came close to pissing myself in agony

Me: fair point let’s drive

FIRST CRAZY OF THE YEAR!!!!!

I come down to open the shop and there’s is a car parked in next doors space. (pissing someone else off for once) it’s got loads of stupid stickers on it and generally a lot of bags and paper in it. the guy from next door phones me (yeah too lazy to walk) saying he’s had a closer look at the car and the keys are in the door (I was walking passes it the wrong way to see this) and that the woman’s purse and handbag are on the seat. We have a 2 min conversation about what to do. And deside to take the keys and put a note on the car. A woman shouts from the other side of the car park. I catch site of bright multicoloured trousers and a pink deerstalker. She’s dressed half hippy half clown. She doesn’t have all her own teeth. Shes screaming something like don’t ticket me ive been at Halifax. (Halifax is over the other side of town). “I dint have money to park, what are you doing with my car” “well you left…” “ive been having an argument with Halifax they wont give me money” “well you have left you ke…..” “look I don’t want an argument with you” “im trying to tell you that…” “ they wont give me any money” “your keys are in the door” “Halifax wont give me money coz I cant find my cash card” “LISTEN! You have left you car keys in the door of you car, and you have left you purse and hand bag on seat!” “ohh thank got I’d been looking for that” “well be more careful someone could have taken everything” “well the dog would have looked after it” (now im not saying there wasn’t a dog in the car, but if there was. it didnt make it self known in all the time we where looking at the car and in the car and it would have to have been extremely small and hidden amongst all the crap) she carried on talking gibberish as me and the guy from the other shop walked away.

Do vampires poo black pudding?

List of things I am expecting to hear tomorrow.

The myans didn’t take into account leap years…. So its new year its defiantly happening

Nostradumus said……..

The world has ended buy not in the way you people thought its reached a new state of resonance/ energy / cosmic harmony

Yesterday was just the beginning of the end

We have entered a new age

The energy vortex/crystals/ my shakra prevented it

Something about sunspots or solar flair’s

I don’t know why I bothered burying this 16 school busses and filling them with tins of Spam and sitting in there all day polishing my shotgun

Wooop deee fricking do it’s a date that if you ignore parts of the date its all the same number. 12/12/12 if you ignore 2000 years. 20/12/2012 is probably more note worthy, but in the same way any bloody date is note worthy. A whole page in the paper today was about some kid that 12 today so the little turd is 12 years old on the twelfth day of the twelfth month of two thousand and twelve. Woo bloody who and then at the end they said whats even more incredible is he was born at twelve minuets to twelve. So 11:48 then!!!!!! yeah that is incredible(PFFFFFFT)  11:48. bet the little shit is hateing his mum for not holding him in for another 24 minuets and running his big day.

“oi mate, this just the price of the frame or is it frame and lenses” “its just the frame, everyone needs different lenses so its difficult to price things up without inadvertently misleading some people” “well down the road they are dong free lenses” “well its probably not really free, likely its in actuality basic stock lenses included in the marked up price.” “na! says its free” “ok”  “it’s a frame like this one, with free lenses for hundred quid.” “well that frame is £50 and basic stock lenses are £50. so works out the same” he looks at me very puzzled “na ill leave it, they do there lenses for free”

How can standing in the pissing rain all day trying to sell twigs wrapped in tin foil be a constructive use of anyone’s time and resources? I’m not sure selling “lucky heather” can be that much of a money-spinner anyway. Ok I'm sure the profit margin is good. Lets face it the product half of it is picked from a roundabout thus gratis and the tin foil you probably get a lot out of one roll. But I’m guessing making enough to live on is gonna be a problem even in good weather. Stopping people in the rain and trying to sell them a twig I just cant see the stops to sales ratios being worthwhile. If they where selling umbrellas I’m guessing it would be better. Now I’m not a multi million pound business mogul. That’s why I’m not on dragons den. But I'm pretty sure if they went on there and said we are gonna stop people in the rain and sell them twigs wrapped in tin foil they would get 5 “I’m outs” quicker than Garry glitter on there trying to get investment to open a Crèche.

Phone rings” hello im from (some company selling printer stuff) can I give you a quote for your toner” “ok (I tell her all the details) “right well replacement toners for that are £90 but we can sell them to you for £70” “the whole printer cost £50” “right, well what do you pay at the moment?” “£20 from the printer store round the corner” “£20 well that that has got to be remanufactured” “yes it is” “well ours are double capacity” “right so your saying one £70 toner does 2000 pages and 1 £20 toner does 1000 pages. So buying 3 £20 toners I could do 1000 more pages and have a tenner change” “well the print qualities brilliant” “I don’t really care, I hate to say it comes down to money, but what your proposing is silly” “silly!!!?” “yeah masses more money for less pages” “ok well if you buy a years worth ill do the cartages for £45 plus vat and throw in a welcome gift, and also take used cartages away” “that’s still more” “no its not” “look one of your toners for £45 witch you have magically slashed the price to half of the original £90 still costs more than 2 toners from the shop round the corner.” “but but but ours is a better deal” “no its not” “so can I sign you up” “No you cannot” “but but but please” “no bye bye” “but….” I hang up

Bloke walks in, soaking wet, hands filthy, glasses bent and smashed up held together with bits of tape and plasters. He talks very slowly and very quietly. Almost immediately I notice his glasses don’t have lenses in.

“hello” “hi I can see you are missing your lenses from your glasses” “yes I have lost them” (my brain is screaming “why the hell are you wearing them” then but I hold back) “oh dear” I say kinda sympathetically and there’s a long pause with him just looking at me. “What do I do?” “Well do you still have the lenses?” “One I lost a few years ago” “ohh right?!” “and this one dropped out this weekend near a bonfire” (this whole sentence took him about 40 seconds to say) “right so you need some new glasses then” “yes these glasses don’t work very well without the lenses in, it’s a bit of in inconvenience” “I can imagine” (why the fuck are you wearing them) “do you have a prescription” “yes here” “I can seem to find you on the records, how long ago was it?” “7 or 8 years” “could it have been over 10? Records get destroyed over 10 years” “maybe” “well in any case we need to do an eye test if it has been that long” “why?” “Because your prescription need to be in date to be made up” “ohh I don’t know my rights, can you tell me?” “Well we need an up to date prescription to make up some glasses” “lenses!” (There’s no fucking way frame he is wearing is reusable) “so would you like to book in” “cant you just copy these” “copy the lenses?” “yeah?!” “but you have lost them, there is nothing for me to copy” “ohh” “so do you want to book in for an eye test or try and see if someware else can see you sooner” he sits there comatose for a full minuet, then adjust the glasses with no lenses in and I can see that they are physically hurting him to ware and they are buckled and digging into his face. “What should I do?” “Book in, or try someware else” another 3 mins of him sitting there silent. “I just thought you could copy them” “as I said there’s nothing to copy” “ohh?” and he gets up saying he’ll find out his rights and leaves.

Phone rings nasal sounding chavy woman “do you do the thing for the taxi’s?” “you’re threw to the opticians” “yeah I know, do you do that thing for the taxi’s?” “what thing?” “you know!” “im sorry I don’t” “you know, the new thing…. The test” “what an eye test?” “NO! begins with is S (she may have said F)” “do you have any paper work?” “NO! (shes getting really annoyed now) YOU DON’T HAVE PAPER WORK, IT’S THE S TEST TAXI DRIVERS HAVE” “well normally any occupations test have a form telling us what’s required and we fill in” “THERE IS NO FORM” “ok well how do you reports the results” “I TAKE THE RESULTS BACK DUH! ARE YOU TELLING ME YOU HAVE HAD NO TAXI PEOPLE THEER EVER!” I have had taxi people, but they had forms out lineing what they needed to be tested for” (shes almost shouting now) “I TOLD YOU THERE’S NO FORM, IF YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT THIS TEST IS ITS BEGINES WITH AN S/F” “I really don’t know what you want” “OHH WELL START TELLING ME ALL THE TEST THAT START WITH A S/F” “I can book you in for a full eyetest, but without knowing if you need anything specialist done it could waste your time” “ARE YOU SEROSLY TELLING ME YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT” “no im afraid I don’t, if you can find out what test it is ill be happy to book you in” “IT’S THE TEST FOR THE TAXI DUH! I KEEP TELLING YOU” “…” “CAN I COME DOWN NOW AND HAVE IT DONE” “I still don’t know what you need, and also we have finished testing today, I can book you in tomorrow for an eye test” “THE TAXI F TEST!!!!! OHHHH FORGET IT” (SLAMS DOWN THE PHONE)

I walk into the newsagent to pick up the milk and paper, the place is packed. Yep there are 4 customers including me. The shops that frigging small. Standing there waiting to be served, I can suddenly smell really strong alcohol. Look around checking I haven’t some how managed to knock something off a shelf. Then I notice it. It’s the low life skunger in front of me in the queue. He was physically unable to wait 30 seconds until he had payed and left the shop, he’d ripped of the lid and started on a can of super strength cider and was chugging it down. Suppose at least he was paying for it.

“I came in yesterday but you went here so I have had to come all the way back today!” “ohh im sorry, how can I help” “MY GLASSES HAVE BROKEN” “ok sorry to hear that” (he open the case and throws them on the desk) “they just snapped!” “Right?, did you actually buy these from me?” “no” “so who did you get them from?” “somewere in lightwater or Camberley” “right” (meaning to say so why are you here then) “yeah they just snapped, im on the nhs so I don’t pay” “well the nhs doesn’t repair glasses for adults, these glasses need a new front and coz they where not got from me and the markings are gone I have no idea who makes them or even what model they are” “WELL IM NHS SO I DON’T PAY” “well repairs aren’t covevered by nhs and besides I don’t know what they are or in fact who you got them from….. so I sagest you take them back to where you got them from and speek to them” “so can they fix them?” “I don’t know” “are they going to charge me” “probably” “how much?” “How am I supposed to know? I didn’t sell them to you” “right well im not paying” and storms out

Two(ish) word film reviews are done composting and are ready

 

The pirates an adventure with scientists: magnificently funny

American pie the reunion: nostalgic nonsense

The hunger games: diet battle royale

How I spent my summer vacation: bland effort

A couple of mins to 9 in sainsbrys. I join the self-service tills with a sandwich and a newspaper. Next thing I know a trolley is wedged inbetween me and the tills. “Don’t worry, we’re not pushin’ in” says a woman in a tracksuit, accompanied by an equally scruffy woman and a child that looks like it has the early onset of scurvy. The trolley is piled high with junk, for the entire contence of the trolley the equivalent nutritional value could be achieved by eating a bean sprout. The trolley was a diabetic coma waiting to happen. “That queue weren’t moving, so we’d be next” (be next at a totally different part of the super market). I do my best thin smile with my eyes saying, “I hope your brain prolapses”. What the hell is so important that the have to go in front of me? They can see I have the exact money ready for my 2 items. And im blatantly going to work. What’s there rush? They are obviously not taking the kid to school. Spoons is already open and if they don’t get there soonish they will not get in the full 6 hours drinking time before their meeting at the DSS? Late for Jeremy Kyle?

Cavalcade of shit munches in the bank all in front of me in the queue, moaning that the bank is so slow. do you know why it was so slow, not one of those brain dead pole smokers had filled in a paying in slip. And no of them had the decency of when they got there to go "ohh sorry" and step to the side and fill it in. every on stood there with the cashier looking annoyed twiddling her thumbs. This happened six times. The second one didn’t think to fill in their form after waiting for the first….  Some of them even had the brilliant idea of complaining about the slowness of service as they stood there filling in a form that they could have done in the cue. Cock jockeys

Two word film reviews

Tinker, tailor, solder, spy: crawling bleakness

Total recall (2012): nauseating tosh

WOW MY 200 POST

The spy/civil servant (wink wink) has finally been back. His delay was because he was watching the golf in America and fixing a leek for a military contractor in France. It was something about satellites but can tell me any more. He s good mates with all the golfers. He had a chat with Rory and told him not to party to much or it will give him a dip in form. Hes good mates with Darren but Darren won his major and recons its worth 55mill in sponsorship over 10 years and now can be bothered. Just wants to keep the money rolling in. then he kept talking about another bloke who’s in Aldershot who is going glazing work. And kept saying to me ,”we both know who I mean” “no I don’t” “ok if you say so” (wink) “no  I really don’t know” he kept talking at me like I was pretending, and that if I sent his glasses to this bloke he would “sue” me. He wants some glasses that basically just don’t exist. And he thinks he knows everything about shooting and glasses. And clames that what he wearing is something its not. He was then banging on that he wanted me to contact the NHS and get his glasses records (there is no such thing kept by the nhs) I told him only where he got them from will have a record. Well they have done a runner. “I should put a trace on them, but its allocation of recourses isn’t it” “well I think she went to Alton” “really , ohh I know who she’s with, my father is the ex-mayor, so one phone call to him and ill find her” he then wanted me to take his details. And he gave me an address that was a load of houses for asbos, and down-and-outs. When I asked the postcode “post code? I don’t know the post code. Civil servants don’t use post codes”

bit of a change from the norm. a chat at the weekend about swiss toni made me come up with a few swiss toni gags.

Going on a coach journey to Scotland is in some ways very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Be on time, you don’t want to arrive to early. Before boarding you want to give the old gal a look over, check she looks like she’ll get there, especially keep your eye out for suspicious packages. Then stow you baggage securely and clamber on. Next you want to find a comftable position with a good view, preferably where you don’t have to make eye contact with any other men. Then the main aim is to hold out and hope your legs don’t get to numb

Buying trainers is very much like making love to a beautiful woman, first you need to have a peruse and locate one that you find aesthetically pleasing, paying close attention to the curves, and how puffy the tongue is. Then you need to sli
p gently inside and get some movement going to check the snugness. You need to make sure there’s no rubbing, you wouldn’t want a nasty blister. If its all sati

sfactory get the shop assistant to go fetch you a new pair, you don’t want keep one that another man has tried first.

Playing pool is a lot like making love to a beautiful woman. First you pull out your cue, check the tip is in good order. Get a good grip, you don’t want to over balance or miss cue. Line up the balls being careful not to shoot early and aim for the pocket without potting your white. Pay extra care if you ball is squashed up against a cushion. And what ever you don’t unexpectedly change pockets

 

Using a cash machine is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First you need to find one that isn’t going to charge you for the service. Locate the correct slot, it should take your card willingly and firmly as long as there’s no imperfections of damage to it. Then you need to press the buttons, always best done away from prying eyes. If done correctly soon enough soon enough it will open up and pay out.

 

 

lets hope i dont get a letter from charile higsons soliciters

“I want some verifocals” “ok” (small discussion about frames) “so when I buy them how long have I got to get my money back” “money back?” “yeah if I don’t get on with them” “well in the unlikely event of that, I wouldn’t actually give you your money back, I would replace then lenses with eather a bi focal or a single vision, I’d change it to what ever you wanted” “so you wouldn’t give me my money back” “not as such no” “well…” “… The lenses would be change to something you have previously has success with..” “.. bifocals” “yes, but honestly with the lenses I use ive not had to do anything like that for years, I think the last time was around 2006” “well all the other opticians in town I have been to have given me my money back” “so you have done this before” “ a few times yea. So you wont even refund me the difference?” “Difference? No I’ll change them” “well hows that fair?” “Fair?” “well say I buy a 400 pound pair and then after a few days I cant get on with them you change them to a 100 pound pair of bifocals im 300 pounds out of pocket. So you wont even refund me the difference that’s so unfair” “ummm unfair? Your looking at it the wrong way, that would be beyond unfair on me, so you pay £400 and get the verifocals. Then I pay for the £100 bifocals, you pay nothing and then I give you £300. so in that scenario ive payed for 500 pounds worth of glasses and you have payed £100. That leaves me massively out of pocket for something from the way you are talking you are fully not expecting to even learn how to use” “what?” “well if you have tried all this before, why should I spend a considerable amount of my time and my money on you and a pair of glasses that are going to go in the bin” (he starts to stumble over his words) “but … umm… that’s.. all I want is my money back if” “ if I did what you are suggesting for everyone I would be flushing money and recourses down the toilet, id be bankrupt within a week” “ I don’t think that’s fair” “well how is me buying you a pair of glasses for you that are going in the bin a good use of either of our time” “but but but im a customer” “well strictly speaking no your not you haven’t bought anything, so look, the simplest thing here is for us not to bother”

Woman comes in to collect her glasses. Picks them up. “Are these glass or plastic” “they are plastic” “what? I wanted glass” “ohh umm, (I look at the order) yeah plastic, im 99% sure that lens is not actually made in glass” “yes it is” “oh?” “so are these cheep plastic” “there not cheep plastic they are CR39 witch is a plastic polymer manufactured to the highest optical quality possible for that lens form” (yeah I was trying to lay it on thick) “so are they plastic or glass?” “the lenses are made of a type of plastic” “I wanted glass, I showed the man here before my old glasses and I said I wanted the same” “well that type of lens I don’t think is made in glass anymore and probably hasn’t for a very long time” “well I got these 1 year ago and they are glass” (she takes them out of her bag and hands them to me and I examine them) “they are plastic” “what?” “These are cr39 as well.” “How do you know?” “Well 1. They don’t weigh what a glass lens would. 2 when you tap the lenses they don’t make the sound a glass lens would, 3 they are not cold like glass would be and 4 the lens type isn’t made in glass” “so are they glass or plastic, coz I showed the man these and said I wanted the same” “well good news then coz the are the same” “glass?” “No”

First caller of the day, woman phoning up spitting feathers. Because she’s got a voucher for and eye test threw her company with us. But went to specsavers, had the test, then at the end produced the voucher. They told them that they don’t except them and the voucher is for use with me. They make her pay for her test. She’s on the blower acting like its my fault. So she decides she wants another test. And says she works just round the corner. She claims she never been here before, or ever heard of us, but I find a record for her, so she has. Then says no ive never been there before I don’t Evan know where you are. Evan though 2 seconds ago she said she works round the corner. Then wanted me to give her directions and wanted me to tell her the parking charges of all the local car parks.

Ive been to block busters for the first time in months so it’s the return of 2 word film reviews

The Muppets: silly joy (manamana)

Chronicle: above average  

This means war: tolerable, forgettable

Man on a ledge: predictable, average

Not the best of lunch breaks. Had my hair cut buy a bloke so distracted that he asked me if I have been “away this year “ 3 times and if I was busy at work twice in the space of 4 minuets. Then a fight broke out across the road and he went off out side to watch. Then came back and for got what he was do my hair is defiantly longer possibly uncut on one side and all of the off cuts have gone down the back of my neck. Then on to Next to pick up some stuff for the wife, and hilarity ensued where the girl behind the till was unable to comprehend that my wife was a different person to me. Then the bank. Where I literally signed up to online banking and all the regertation and security checks whist standing in the queue. Id done all that and then left the queue before I was evan half way to being seen. Then arrived to get some food and found that they had closed early as they where quiet. So no food

In short, look like ive cut my own hair, itching like crazy, and hungry. evan mannaged to get hair in my eyes

Phone rings “Aldershot eye care” in a far to chirpy voice “hi im Steve from WTR I want to talk to you about and opportunity to advertise in tescos in aldersh—did you say eye care? as in opticians?” “ye-“ he slams the phone down.

Lucky he had the intelligence to work that out

“Are my lenses in yet” “umm no sorry be here tomorrow, ill call you as soon as they arrive” “you have my number but never call me” “really?… let me check. Look at his file. *check phone number* says here your phone numbers wrong” “you keep saying that” “well can you just tell me your number” “look your boss keeps checking it, your receptionist keeps checking it, and now you are you just never call” “well is your number XXXXXX” “yeah corse it is” “ right well there looks like there’s been ….” “just call me alright…”  next day  lenses arrive. I pick up the phone and dial his number “BERR BEE BEE this number you have dialled has not been recognised….” Slam down the phone whilst shouting TWAT. Im gonna have some fun when he come in angry that I haven’t called. Slowly and patronisingly phoning his number on speaker phone and showing him

The woman in boots if obously to used to dealing with to menny retards in this town. I need some more decongestants as I have something stuck in my catarrh. I had a look at the self and all the stuff on there is flu and hay fever based. So its all a decongestent and antihistamine, or decongestant and paracetamol and caffeine etc. so I go up to the counter and say “my doctor has told me to come here for some decongestants but they are not for a flu or hay fever just to clear my ear…..” she interrupts me and starts banging on about how your ears throat and nose are all connected, your sinuses too and evan your tears ducts are connected. So what started as me just trying to buy a decongested with no other crap in it. turned into a patronising anatomy lecture like I was 5, and she even repeated it all twice. As her second run threw is going on, im desperately trying to interrupt her by giving her the money. At then end of her second run threw she looked at me as if to expect a response from me like she had just passed on the secret of life the universe and everything. I simply replied with “yeah I know ta”

A woman comes in and grumpily throws a pair of glasses on the counter infront of me. “they are bent” “ohh ok lets have a look”( I can see they have been sat on or something) “you sold them to me like this” “umm I don’t think we did” is say sort of smiling trying to defuse the mood, I look up her order, they are over 6 years old “im sorry but but they are your glasses that must have been how you sold them” “ma’am they are 6 years old don’t you think you would have noticed that they're where this bent before now” she snorts at me. I go and sort them out. It at this point I notice my old notes about the woman. When I was doing the dispensing, she was refusing to have 2 lenses. Because “she doesn’t use the other eye” so she wanted a brand new pair of glasses with only one lens in. I managed to persuade her that 2 lenses in the glasses where necessary and she grudgingly agreed. Then she decided she wanted them tinted. But only wanted 1 lens tinted. So she would have one sunglass lens and one clear lens. To save money 

One thing that happens a lot and makes me cosh people.  for some reason or another a parent doesn’t bring the kid to collect the kids glasses. Now that’s not what makes me want to slap them. If the kid were there I would fit the glasses. Because the kids not. There not a lot i can do, so I kinda open the case show that there’s the glasses in it, close it and then hand it to them. This is the part that then annoys me. The open the case take the glasses out and try to try them on. Their kids glasses. They stretch them half onto their head in an attempt to look threw the lenses and then make an oooooooohhhh I can see with them noise. Then look at me like there something wrong with the glasses. (Well there is now they have been stretched wide over them dumb head, and course you can see better with them there not for you)

Bloke walks in, “can you tell me where GU11 is”. (for anyone that doesn’t know that’s pretty much all of Aldershot). “um your standing in it.” (I kinda chuckle, and smile but the bloke look serous) “someone told me this was gu12” “no your in gu11 at the moment , im not sure but it dose change to gu12 the other side of the train track someware” (I look in his hand and hes holding a piece of paper with gu11 written on it and a train ticket). “they told me they where at gu11” “well gu11 im guessing is probably 5 square miles” “they told me it was 30 mins walk from the train station” “well yeah.did they give you any more info than just the first part of a post code like a road or there name” “no, so do you know where it is?” “I know here gu11 is. But I have no idea where you wanna go. Im guessing it could be anyware in a 1 mile radius” “ohh” and he walks out

On 4^th may some bloke came in trying to “sell” credit cards services. And wanted to see our bank statements, I told him to do one. One think I left out was that he asked me who my terminal was with. And I told him the company and he told me that they didn’t exist. And a boring conversation ensued with him telling me that he’s never herd of them so the don’t exist. And me saying well the must do coz that’s who we have a contract with. I filed his business card in the bin (coz that was proof he was genuine and thus ok to look at the bank statements). Anyway the phone rings. “Hello im from what ever then name of the company is. I saw you owner 3 month ago and he said to call so he could sign up with us”.  “umm you came in 10 days ago” “no I spoke to the owner 3 months ago” “hang on,(I fish his card out of the waste paper bin under my desk …. Yeah I haven’t emptied it) is your name XXXXX XXXX?” shocked he says “yes that’s me… but I haven’t been there before” “apart from the 4^th when you where here telling me that the company I use don’t excist” “ well the don’t, ive never herd of them” “look im not going into all this again” “well I don’t know who they are but I can defiantly save you over £8000.” “if you think that the company don’t excist who can you possibly know what you can save us?” “umm well can I come in and see you bank statements” “no you bloody cant! Im hanging up now bye bye” “wait….” Ive slammed the phone down

Not a brilliant start to my working day. Someone had left a mug out. So I went to put it back into the cupboard. The shelf is at least at head height for a shorty like me. So on lifting the mug and flipping it over, it was some how in the perfect position to thow the water that had been left into it strait into the armpit of my shirt. I can tell you it’s not a good look

Just had some bloke come in and as for some glasses that have the lenses tinted only half was across the lenses. So clear on the left, black on the right. So that the black is covering the lights for on coming traffic. “umm wont that be a bit dangerous, like wareing blinkers. Stopping you from seeing anything to your right” “no cos you can turn your head, why dose no one seem to do them?” well my photo shop mock up….. This berk will probably be on dragons den soon

Bloke walks in and starts scanning the frames. “can I help you?” he ignores me so I walk up “CAN I help you?” “umm do you have and wrap around glasses” “sun glasses or ophthalmic?” “what?” “sun glasses or normal glasses” “ohh normal” “are the for a prescription?” “yes” “well can I see the prescription then” “ohh ok” “right this is just for some normal reading glasses, so a wrap around frame would not be the best choice” “how come?” “ well your prescription lens is to made up with 3 very accurately worked curves, their radius for curvature is to be worked to 100^th of a millimetre. To make the thinnest flattest best form lens possible, ensuring the best optical quality and performance. To do that with a wrap around pair, you are working with and already curved surface. So working those curves on is going to make a much thicker lens and a flatter lens is better. There are lenses on the market that are designed to reduce the distortions caused by the curves and thin the lenses but the cost is 2 to 3 times what a normal lens costs.” “what?” if you want a wrap pair then lenses will cost more and not work as well as normal pair” “ohh…(he stands there for a bit) can I have sunglasses?” “you can. Is that a different thing to these readers?” “no its just sunglasses are wrap” “right, you can have what ever you want, all im saying is that lenses into ANY wrap frame in that prescription will cos more and not be as good, so if you what to spend the money I’m willing to do it” “umm” “when you look threw a window there is very little distortion that is because the glass is flat, if you look threw a goldfish bowl there’s lots of distortion, because it is curved” “can I use my own sunglasses? I use them for riding my bike” “you can if you want, but that means you won’t be able to use them on your bike anymore” “why?” “ coz they will be made up to your reading prescription with no tint” “I don’t understand” “right forget your own sunglasses keep them as they are, in short. All you need a normal frame, with normal lenses. What you want will cost many times more” “this is complicated isn’t it” “not really, £70 pair perfect for your needs, £400 pair wont work as well” “I still don’t understand, this is complicated” “£70 pair ideal, what you want £400 and not as good” “im gonna have to go and try and work all this out”

Some bloke just walks in wearing a wax jacket. And says hes selling credit card services, and that they buy the shops contract off the bank ect. (seems to be similar thing to phone companies buying your contract with BT) “im sorry you’d have to speak to the owner about that and he not here” “can I see one of your statements from the bank?” “umm no, this is a matter for the owner” “here is my card so that proves im genuine, so can I see a bank statement?” “No you cannot, ill pass your card to the owner(‘s bin)”

How the hell does a business card prove you are “genuine” I think ill get 100 printed up saying 20 pound note inspector from the royal mint, and go round into shops asking to take away notes for “checking”. “Here’s a 1p business card I got printed at a motorway service station so that proves im genuine”

Some ozzy or kiwi bloke comes in, “g’day mate (see that’s what gave it away) you wanna go paintballing?” “I infact go quite a lot I have all my own gear” “you play at our sites? Delta force” “I have done, but I mainly play at holmbush as they do really good walk on rates” “yeah that’s one of our sites” “no its not” “you sure? Well wanna come back and play at out sites we have crashed planes” “well as I said the best deal about for walk-on players is holmbush or a super 6 weekend event” “what’s that?” “well super six host the tippman challenge” “what?” “you have herd of  tippmann?” “I’ve not been in this country long mate” “well tippman is probably the biggest world wide makers of paintball markers” “ohh” “and the host events in different countries big games 800 player at once” “ohh right” “well our sites are the best” “like I said I can get better value for walk on events . its £45 and I get 2000 shots” “well our sites are £6 and ill give you guys 1000 shots.” “that book your trying to sell has 10 tickets in” “yeah” ” so you buy it for £60 and take 10 people and ill give you 1000 shots” “so broken down that’s £6 for 100 shots, and how much is extra shots £6 for 100” “so if each of us use 1000 that’s £60 each?” “Yeah suppose” “so how is that a better deal than £45 for 2000” (he deflects) “our sites are based on modern warfare” “that great, but as I have pointed out its £15 more and half as much ammo” “delta force is the better deal” “not by my maths mate, good day” “our sites are better coz its only £6 for the day” “yeah but with bugger all ammo”

Doing the reminder letters at work, so I need to go buy 100 stamps. Queue up at the post office, each passing second sapping my will to live. Finally I get to the front of the queue. “Position 5 please” I march over. “100 second class stamps please” “umm… we are sold out” “the post office is sold out of stamps” “yeah…. Hang on I think there some at position 1” “ok” I look at her expecting her to walk the 3 meters and have a look. She just looks at me. “You going to get them?” “You have to queue up for till 1” “what?” “You need to re join the queue” “what? Can’t you just go get the stamps” “sorry you need to re-join” I then go and re join the queue get to the front after another soul destroying age. But there is some peasant try to change up what look to be 50 quid in coppers and they have not counted out the bags right. I can over hear “there’s only £4.80 in that bag and that one of 2p short. So im standing there and other tills are being called and Im having to let people go in front of me. Finally get to till one after then tosser has recounted their life’s savings and pissed off. “May I have 100 second class stamps please” “im sorry we have sold out” “SHE (I say abit too loud) says you have some” “ohh yeah I do. The are not in a book though.” “and why does that matter? They are stamps right” “yeah” “for posting letters” “yeah”  “then sell me 100”  

Enlarge your manhood! DELETE! Online viagra DELETE! I have 36 million us dollars I need your bank account DELETE! (something that’s written in unrecognisable symbols) DELETE! Herbal anti-depressants DELETE! SEE coldplay and steps DELETE! “I don’t not want to see those fuckwits” re: re: re: re: re: fwd: fwd: re: re: DELETE!

And that’s just whats got threw the spam filter……. I don’t know why I bother having an email account

1.Theres a you need to “come get this thing that wouldn’t go threw your letter box” card, luckily the post office is across the road. The card say the package is for “ F.A.O harry 44 station road” so I lock the shop skip over the road and hand the guy the card. “Where’s you id?” “well it only says harry on it, and that my work” “need id” he walks passed my shop every day to by fag next door. So I skip back over to my shop and then return with my drivers licence. “that was quick” “well yeah! 44 station road is ya know across the road. this do?” he study’s if for a full 3 mins. With the only bit of info on it that correlates with package is the name harry. He reluctantly goes and gets me the box of lenses that I don’t really want anyway. So what if I had sent someone else to get it? what if it didn’t have FAO harry on it and it was just addressed to the shop?

2. woman come in shes had a fall. “My eyes been pushed in and I cant feel it.” “Pardon?” she starts poking herself in each eye and saying that her right eye if pushed into her head and she CAN’T feel it” “umm have you been to the doctor” “YES CORSE IVE BEEN TO THE DOCTOR!!!!! he thinks im imaging it.” (he’s not the only one)

3. phone rings, “are my glasses ready?” “hang on ill check” I look at the order “they are expected anyday now, the bank Holladay has probably delayed them slightly” “its probably me that’s delayed them…. Its my fault” “pardon?” “well I haven’t dropped them off yet?” “you have ordered a complete pair” “yes, I have to drop them off” im looking on the online order tracker “they will be here Friday” “ill drop them off Friday” “umm no…. come and collect them on Friday” “I don’t know what you mean” “your glasses will be ready on Friday, so come in on Friday” (im looking forward to that)

Army bloke comes in. whats me to take the lenses from his gasmask and put them into a frame. I carefully explain that messing with a bit of army equipment that he may one day rely on to save his life is unwise. And that just buying a complete pair of glasses is by far the better thing to do. After trying on every frame in the shop. he then goes back to me cutting down his gas mask lenses. Explain everything again. He then starts haggling the price of the complete glasses, and like a chump I give in a bit on condition he pays in full. He then has run out of time for the car park. Hes been that long pissing about. Comes back a measure up. Write the order. “can I have a phone number to call you on when they are ready” “ok …..” “so because of the Easter break, lab being closed and disruption to post, I expect these will be back end of next week” “ohh” “what?” “I go to Afghanistan tomorrow morning” I let out a massive sigh. “yeah they aren’t gonna be ready for tomorrow” “ohh will it be done tonight if you put my gas mask lenses in…” “NO!” I look at his prescription he was tested in October hes had 6 months to sort this out

Some old woman has phoned up claiming that I have sent her a letter demanding she come to the shop and show ID. She angrily exclaimed she has her buss pass and her gas bill, but shes house bound so I will have to wait until her son arrives who’s coming especially from Windsor to pick her up and bring her to the shop. when I tried to explain that that she didn’t need to do that, she got more angry and clamed that the letter said if she doesn’t come down with her ID I would stop her having any NHS treatment, and she needs that because shes going to the hospital next week. I think I managed to convince her not to come. But watch this space

2 nutters

Woman comes in. “I should make an appointment” “ok ill just call up your details” “I don’t really want to book, you don’t have a lot of frames here” (I have 300 on the walls plus stock in draws and out back) “well I umm , have new stock coming in all the time. Also if you know what you want I can order it for you” (she books in after banging on about not having many glasses) “well I hope I don’t need any new glasses coz I don’t want any” (well what dose it fucking matter what I have in stock then?)

Foreign bloke comes in, doesn’t speak great English. “I have lost a goggle” tips out a spec case and a screw has come out of frame and the lens has dropped out. picking it up the sheer geekery and repetition of this kind of repair I know exactly what screw is needed. “I can sort that for you” im back in 30 seconds cleaning the glasses as I walk. “Here we are sir all back in one piece” and had them to him. “No repair?” “They are fixed” “can you no repair?” “its done” “no possible to repair?” “YES they are repaired” “no possible?” “YES you are holding the fixed glasses in your hands they are done!” “ohh…” “Look they are fixed” he puts them back in the case without looking says thank you and walks out.

Im not sure weather he actually knows ive fixed them

I go to the doctors, you get give a number im number 12 and 11 is being seen. Some bloke arrives and gets number 16. As the numbers inbetween mine and his are old people that have all turned up unnecessarily early. The man looks at his number annoyed. Then after 5 mins gets up and shouts loudly at the receptionist “I have lung pain, ive had it 3 days im going to collapse”. A nurse comes out and he says loudly I have lung pain call and ambulance I cant wait ive had it for 2 weeks” can even keep his story strait for 20 seconds. They take him off out back skipping the queue. 15 mins later the receptionist apologises that it must be an emergency and an ambulance may arrive so don’t be alarmed. Another 20 mins later the bloke comes skipping out with a prescription in his hand. No sign of the grim reaper of ambulance crew. Then I get called. “what’s the problem” “I think I have tonsillitis” he pulls a face like how dare you self diagnose “why do you think that?” “ive had a high fever all night, very bad head ache, nausea, dizziness, ache, my glands are up, and my tonsils are a bit of a horror show” “well we”ll see about that” spends 1 nanosecond looking in my mouth. “No its not tonsillitis, you have a sore throat. Not going to give you anything, just take paracetomol” “I am” “carry on then, anything else?” “No” “bye bye”

bloke come in and grumpily exclaims, "these glasses don’t fit me." "what glasses?" "hang on a min" "he rummages around in his bad and pockets and eventually finds his glasses. he puts them on. and when i say puts them on its in the loosest sence. is seen baby with no motor skills put on glasses better. The front of the glasses at almost a 45 degree angle. The right side id a fill 2 inches above his ear and the other side is down the bed that goes over his ear is touching his ear lobe. I try not to smile because for some reason he is clearly angry. He hands me the glasses. I look at them the are perfectly square. So I put them on him properly. Perfect fit. “better?” “well yes, but you didn’t do anything” “you just didn’t put them on right” “what?” “the glasses are fine. You just didn’t put them on right, thank you bye bye”

There’s a list of people you shouldn’t piss off when they are doing their jobs, as it goes bad for you. Normally most people say number one on that list is people that are preparing you food. I may argue with you and say the man with the rubber gloves at customs. But anyway high up on that list should be hairdresser whilst they are cutting your hair. Guess what I inadvertaly did that. Now im not too bad at understanding ascents. This guy was from some ware like turkey possibly but he started chatting to me and had the clippers going proper loud in my ear and he spoke quite softly. So I couldn’t understand a word he said. So I politely smiled and chuckled hopeing it was the correct response. A girl pointed something out to him in the paper and then walked off. This is want I thought I herd “mumble mumble amir khan mumble mumble girlfriend, mumble mumble really beautiful?” so I though he’d been showed a picture in the paper of amir karns mrs in the paper and was commenting on looks. “ I cherped up with “ohh I dunno” “and he looked at me a bit shocked and slightly put back. Then looked at the woman and looked back at me a bit cross and said “my girlfriends beautiful” all I could do was thinly smile and think I really wonder what the Amir khan bit was and I hope he doesn’t fuck up my hair on purpose for insulting his mrs, as he stony faced put down the clippers and pulled out a cut throat razor and begin to hack away at my hair.

“can I have an eye test” “I can book you in but we are full for the rest of the year next date available is 5^th Jan” “not today” “no sorry” “please?” “the optometrist is not here today” “can you do it” “afraid not” “why?” “because im not an optometrist”. “how long does it take?” “the test takes around half an hour” “so we can do that now?” “no as I explained there is no optometrist here today” “its only the HGV test” “well that doesn’t change anything” “I only need the HGV part” “well the HGV normaly ask for a full test and sometimes extra tests depending on the job” “how much?” “a test is £24 pounds” “so if I come back in a bit we do it” “look there isn’t an optometrist in today” “I only need the HGV bit” “do you have the form?” “no” “well all I can do is book you in in the new year” “can I go in and look at the wall?” “no” “please?” “NO” “do specsavers have any tests?” “how should I know?” “coz you work in an opticians” “yeah I do … THIS opticians not specasvers” “so you wont book me with them?” “er????? Wha? No…” so I cant just go in the room over there and have a test” “sorry no bye bye” I usher him out the door

Its on street all day parking in aldershit and the ticket machines are on the pavement backs to the wall faceing the road. So to buy one you have to stand in the middle of the pavement. But the pavement it easily big enough for 3 abreast walking. I get to the machine a few seconds before a middle to old age woman. And because im parking all day its £3.60 and the wife has filled my wallet with 20p’s so I deside to off load them. This woman is standing next to me impatiently. As I get to around the £2 mark she lets out an large sigh, followed by a "tut" and then adjust her posture in an impatient way. Im trying not to pay any attention. My ticket seems to take ages to print and then takes me a few seconds to pick it out of the workings of the machine. And the woman makes an audible “at last” kind of pantomime sigh. I shoot her a thin “good morning you old bat” smile. And go to ticket in my car. I look at the woman to see how longs she takes to use the machine so when I get close I can say something like “printing slow this morning” but no she’s not even used the machine she just carried on walking up the road. Now I know im quite a bit fatter than I was 10 yeas ago. But there was still plenty of room to walk round me!

Im here to collect my wife’s glasses. I spend a few mins trying to find her record. Nothing in glasses collection. (getting slightly embarrassed its taking so long to find. I check the computer no glasses on order. I look in the contact lens system she has some contact lenses on order. “umm…. I don’t have any glasses on order with us, she does however have some contact lenses that are here ready” “yes she told me that her glasses where contact lenses” “pardon?” “yeah im here to get her glasses that are contact lenses” “her contact lenses?” “yes her glasses that are contact lenses” “here you go then” “does she need her glasses fitted?” “errr? These are her regular shipment of contact lenses” “yeah her glasses that are contact lenses” “she doesn’t need these fitted no its her regular supply” “so her glasses don’t need fitting?” “I don’t know about her glasses she hasn’t ever ordered any from us” “yes she has these glasses that are contact lenses” “well best you just giver her the contact lenses and she can call me if she needs anything” “ok thanks”

A very little man came is with the biggest turban I have ever seen, he looked exactly like the sultan in Disney Aladdin. “Hello young boy” “hi” “ im a fortune teller, I can tell you everything about yourself” (clearly got my age wrong from his opening statement) “well im working at the moment so im not allowed to do stuff like that on work time” “you have the eye of the tiger and the eye of love” “ right like I said sorry im busy “ “I shall come back later its very important, you a very lucky. I do forehead line reading and palms.”

I wonder witch eye is witch? And would he have a field day with Gordon Ramsey.

What’s with people standing in Victoria road at 2am and screaming they what a fight. Screaming for about and hour and not acutely having the fight that they very loudly insist they crave.

The first as an Asian man, im saying Asia and west Asia. Well that’s where his family was from but im guessing he’s never been anyware other than the grotty London tower block he lives in and coming to Farnborough was a treat for him. So London chav accent mixed with someing west of India. That is my best guess.

He was standing at the very start of the bus stop. Witch is pretty much below my bedroom window. He was basically shouting racial abuse at the black bouncer about 75 yards away on the door of witherspoons. When asked what he was doing and why wouldn’t her go over and say the stuff he was saying to the bouncer. He replied he was waiting for a bus. Even though the bus stop is actually about 12 feet from the door of spoons and much much closer to the bouncer. Who was unable to leave his door duties. Also I would argue more importantly what bus was he expecting to get after 2 am on a Sunday morning.

He kept calling the bouncer the “N” word. Then clamed it was ok for him to do so as he was black too. Also he said “you can only call someone a bitch if you have been to London” this exchange went on for longer than I care to remember , but I knew the bouncer would be finishing in a bit. As soon as the moment came the bouncer started to walk towards him and he scurried off like a little bitch (ive been to London so I can say it) and he was out of my field of view. The funniest part was as the bouncer came onto view properly he was about 5 foot and must have weighed 8 stone. Not to judge the bouncers physical abilities but the mouthy twat was much much bigger than him. There’s nothing funnier than a bigger bloke running away from a little bloke. Next thing 3 police cars roll up. Im assuming they put the twat in the car as someone was kicking the doors form the inside. And the police then spent 40 mins interviewing the door staff and some bloke who came from noware in a vis vest and kept me awake dubble the time.

After that anti climax of a fight it only got louder and worse. 2am Monday morning. Car horn and shouting wakes me up. Theres a car full of people honking and shouting at the top of there lungs at some bloke in the middle of the street. And when the bloke got close to the car they would still with there doors open shouting drive round the block. They where screaming something about “crack head” “that they had “assessed” that he could take is coat off” and a strange chant “southwood, southwood show us your trick” he defiantly said trick.i know this because he repeated it about 50 times. This went of for ages. When one of my nabours shouted at them he was met with abuse.

Ive still not actually seen one punch being thrown. Ive seen one bloke being held back by his mates …. And he wasn’t even trying to hard to get to the person he wanted to fight. If your gonna have a fight have a fight stop shouting nonsense and waking everyone up.

list of all the wierdos i met when i was in the usa

Strange lady at sea world that was shouting at me ”look look the are feeding the eels” whilst we where standing at the well signed stingray tank.

The crazy man that threw his bad so hard at the closed bus door that it broke the wheels off his bad then started screaming and trying to punch the middle aged female bus driver.

An odd couple that kept saying the where from “san Francisco” like it was code for something and stroking carlys hand like they wanted to do some wife swap. Then the woman said to me my sister is “at” Bristol. So I said university and she looked at me odd and said “err no she works at orange.”

And odd eastern European couple that kept cornering me in the airport and talking to me in language that I could not even identify let alone understand and not letting me walk by. They did this a number of times.

The strange lady that ranted for 15 mins at us saying that she hated obama for sending all the tax money to us so we didn’t have to live on mud huts. It was all obamas and Europe fault.

The gay couple that kept saying racest comments and misquoted Monty python sketches at me in what they clamed was a perfect English accents.

Everyone that said “we love Australia” “I love you ozzys” and“ you’re from new south Wales right”

The half Hawaiian and half Asian bloke who’s surname was “Wan” who thought he was English. Evan thos no one in his family or him have ever been to or come from England. And he said “coz wan is an English name”

Phone rings. Please could you tell me when I’m due for an eye test. I start looking up their record. Cant find it. check computer, then paper, then address, then spelling, the maiden name, date of birth search. “do you know who you saw last time you where here?” “ohh ive never been to you, I normally do to XXXXX opticians in fleet” “well you called me in Aldershot” “I know I couldn’t get threw to them on the phone so I decided to ask you”

More adventures with sports centre machines. As you previously may remember I was a porky 13 st 6lbs that 85.7kg for any of you using the Latin. And my body fat was “good” at just over 20%. That was around April. Possibly march

So now it’s September so 5 or 6 months

Ive lost a staggering 4 lbs…. Please please stop I can hear your gasps of amazement.

Bu then I notice something else. My B.M.I was 28 now its 27.3 so that’s better even tho bmi is a massive pile of bollox on toast

Then I read down. MY COCKING BODY FAT ID NOW 24.4% is was just over 20%

So let me get this. Im 4 lbs lighter…. But about 4 % more fat. MORE FAT!!!!

WHAT THE HELL HAVE I LOST!!!!!!! A foot?

And by my most likely wrong calculations that like putting on 2 kg of fat