I upset, to the point of making cry a mates girlfriend. I’m not proud of this fact. She had next to no clothes on and I was dressed as a pirate. But that wasn’t what made her cry. I may have been a factor if I was the one almost naked. Me naked is unpleasant for everyone concerned. What made her cry was the fact she was drunk. And she told me she have been to see a clairvoyant fortuneteller. She was trying to tell me that it was not real. Now fortunetellers piss me off. If they where like this is a bit of fun I'm going to tell you some stuff abut yourself ect… then yes that would be grate. Mentalist do this and they are some of the best magic acts there are. But they don’t they tell you that are real and play with you emotions. Take your money. And some poor people base important life decisions on the “advice” they are given. How are you sure they are not real I hear you cry. Now skipping all cold and hot reading and other mentalist techniques, (ill say a bit about them later) and the fact that people want to believe things, the power of suggestion, yeah leaving all that aside there is two things that make me sure.


Harry Houdini (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harry_Houdini) he spent the later paer of his life exposeing these type of people as fakes. He was so pasionate about exposeing people like this it cost him a lot of friends one of witch was Arthur Conan Doyle. Houdini has an arangemts with his wife that when he was dead he would return and give her a code that only she would know. If there was any way at all he would get the message to her. No matter what it took. But no mediem, fortune teller or phycic every deliverd the code. Hundreds tried. It is also proposed that he was poisioned by spirtulist rather than died from being punched and ruptering his apendix.

The James Randi prise. “ 1 million dollars for anyone that can display in a controlled setting and “super” powers” this is not the only prise of this type but it the most famous. So really if you pass this test then you can do the others so you’re probably looking at about 5 to 10 million. All they have to do is perfome under a mutually agreed control condition and the money is there’s. Its been running for 30 years I think and no one has every won. Infact no one has ever got passed the paleminatry stages. When people are asked why don’t the do it the only excuse not to is that they don’t want the money. But I can think of loads of charities that could benefit the money. If these people are helping people buy giving them comfort by getting messages by loved ones. How about they get the prize and give it to cancer research then maybe the loved ones would still be alive.

So in short I hate the way these people mess with people emotions and take their money. I’ll make you cry for free if you want. In fact I’m exceedingly tempted to learn how to cold read to prove a point. Its 6-months till my next magic show. Lets see how it goes.

The poor girl who had been suckered was sadly well and truly convinced even to the point she was telling me. “The reader was so good, she was telling me about relatives I dint even know I had.” And “she told me about my ex-boyfriend Dave…” I replied with. Not your husband then? Or my mate that you are going out with now? She didn't mention anything about that. She thought info on a guy you went out with for a bit a few years ago was not more important than a guy you are still married to or the guy you are with. Everyone knows someone called Dave.


Here are some links about stuff much better written than I can

Cold reading http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cold_reading
Mentalism http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mentalism
A clip from penn and teller http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NrJsAEvQFCI
If you can find it anywhere watch penn and teller bullshit : talking to the dead

I got offered a drink by an England and Chelsea player. Yep yep it’s true. That’s the kind of social cercals I roll in. ok ok he’s not one of the current players infact he’s not played professionally for some time. But he still is pretty famous. Ron “chopper” Harris. Ask your dads. Or look here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ron_Harris_%28footballer%29
He played 795 games for Chelsea. It’s hard to believe any player is going to beat that nowadays. Where you have players paid thousands of pounds a week to sit on the bench. I could do that. He also was telling me that a player hinted to be lampard or terry was earning 120k a week and wanted more. And had refused an offer 135k a week. A WEEK not a year A WEEK. My maths isn’t that good but that’s something like 700 sterlings an hour even when he’s asleep. Also that’s not all he would earn because he would have deals with nike or adidas. And they will be for millions. I have to say it’s insane. Nurses don’t get paid a year what footballers earn in a week. Its probably best we don’t give the doctors that they’ll have money to make better bombs. Well im sure is only a small percentage that are terrorists. But you never know we could have a few people walking about that went in for the appendix out and now they have bombs in them. I’m not jealous of the money the footballers earn. I don’t want to be rich. Because I would go crazy. If people think im aragent now. Think how ill be when I have enough money to buy and sell your ass. Ill have a underground layer, equipped with cinema, bowling, paintball, go-karts, intercontinental ballistic missiles, monkey vs. midget death math. You name it ill have it. Just please don’t name the clap. My army of penguins would rule the world in their Hawaiian shirts and flip-flops.

4th july

independence day . the day the usa fought back against the alens. well bill pullman being a presedent fighter pilot.

independece day was july 4th 1776


on that day king george III wrote in his diary "nothing of importace happend today"

i like to think he was being flippant

Harry: - pretentious arrogant fuck



pre·ten·tious (prĭ-tĕn'shəs) adj.
1.Claiming or demanding a position of distinction or merit, especially when unjustified.
2.Making or marked by an extravagant outward show; ostentatious.


ar·ro·gant (ăr'ə-gənt) adj.
1.Having or displaying a sense of overbearing self-worth or self-importance.
2.Marked by or arising from a feeling or assumption of one's superiority toward others: an arrogant contempt for the weak.


fuck (fŭk) Vulgar Slang.v., fucked, fuck·ing, fucks.
v.tr.
1.To have sexual intercourse with.


Not a literature masterpiece of an insult. And I don’t think I was supposed to see the insult that was directed to 1 of my persona. I fear as well he directed it at the wrong one. Conroy is the egotistical one. Harry is the insecure shy and uncomftable one. Harry and Conroy are practically impossible to offend. Maybe though it wasn’t meant as an insult. It was just a description of me and a reason he wouldn’t help his girlfriend who has a broken leg walk to the restaurant. As if in some way my arrogance is so intimidating it would prevent him from helping an injured loved one. All I can say is he’s saying pretentious and arrogant like they are a bad thing.

More curouse tho was his use of the word victim

vic·tim (vĭk'tĭm) n.
One who is harmed or killed by another: a victim of a mugging.
A living creature slain and offered as a sacrifice during a religious rite.
One who is harmed by or made to suffer from an act, circumstance, agency, or condition: victims of war.
A person who suffers injury, loss, or death as a result of a voluntary undertaking: You are a victim of your own scheming.
A person who is tricked, swindled, or taken advantage of: the victim of a cruel hoax.

As far as im aware he is the only person that has made a victim of Sarah. So referring to her as a victim is “arrogant contempt for the weak.” So I cant help but feel that his use of the word was being everything except a fuck. Making him 2 thirds as bad as me. Also thinking about it im not getting any, and he has a girlfriend. I have to say she looked quite embarrassed when the txt was red out as she was sitting opposite me at the time. I fear tho this blog may be taken out of context. I’m wrighting it to be abit post modern and ironic. And the txt maybe his opion of me and that’s fine I wish him no ill will. Lets face it not everyone on the planet is going to like you. I’m just trying to be funny about an awkward social situation.


Everyone is pretentious. For example Ian Huntley. He molested some people, then got a position where he had no merit to work in a school. And we all know how that turned out.

Horoscopes


Basically I read the express every day. Well almost every day. And I have a gander at my horoscope. I don’t “believe” in them I just think its funny how vague they can be but your brain makes a link with something. Have a look at James Randi’s horoscope experiment. I hate saying the term I don’t believe in something. It really gets on my tits when people say “I don’t believe in gambling” or “I don’t believe in sex before marriage” (I know I'm not in the right here but) but to me “believe” means to except something is real. Gambling does exist and so does sex before marriage. Its more something you completely disagree with rather than pretending it’s not real. (Just a silly thing that gets on my tits)

Anyways, my horoscope is userly ohh work this, love life that. I just enjoy the vagueness of it. Its like if they get anymore vague it will be like. “You breathe today and call my star line at £3 a min to see how this improves your life”

Anyhoo today is had the ominous feel. “Your work may be diverse, stimulating and interesting, but that’s nothing compared with your personal life. Besides that, you might be told something that makes you feel incredible – if you weren’t in so much pain. But what is suggested today is by no means offensive. It’s worth remaining devoted. Call my star line….”

Weren’t in so much pain…… what the hell. Someone is gonna bake some good news to me after I get hit my a car????!!!! And the news as well is only going to be suggested. Not an actual confirmed fact. Sounds like the good news. Maybe something like. “You may be able to walk again one day….” Or its not meant offensive so it could be. “The remove of your legs will probably stop you from weighting so much coz you’re a bit tubby” and then I’m going to have to be devoted to learning to walk again.

And my personal life isn’t that interesting its mainly play commuter games. Drinking and wrighting this blog.

face book and 10 year school reunion

i have always rememberd hateing school. because i was not found out to be dyslexic till i started collage. i was stuck in lower grops with people the basicly bullyed me for haveing a posh name. i was quite shy a school and i think alot of things used to get to me. it was relly threw my 3 jobs and collage that i lerned to cope with things. so i chickend out of going to the 10 year reunion. i went to see the recording of richard herrings stand up show in cardiff. i saw the photos of the reunion on line. and i have to say i didnt relly recognise menny people. and one or two people i saw i hold a perment grudge againt. it was then on face book that simon posted this photo. simon is the far right and i am the secon on the left. that photo was most likly taken in 1997, i vagly remember it. and i think i have my prefect tie on. in 1997 i was 5'7" and was exactly 7 stone. today im 5'9" and 11stone 8lbs. so yes i have stayed arond the same hight and put on almost 5 stone


relly gotta stop drinking and do more than the 2 hours of badminton i do aweek

Aaahhhh I'm angry


Right two things have happened involving video games.

The first is that a game law and order contains some CCTV footage of the Jamie buldger abduction. When I say footage. It’s in the form of a “wanted poster” on the wall of an office. The game was relised in 2003. And on one noticed at the time. When the mother found out she relised this statement.

Using that terrible picture of James as part of a game is sick. To know that he has been turned into a clue in a game makes me very angry. The people who made this game have treated James as though he is public property. It is like they think he is some kind of fictional figure. It dehumanizes the memory of my lovely son. I want it stopped immediately."

And the manufacturer voluntarily pulled the game. It was not banned. The offended party protested and action was taken.

In my opinion the correct way for things to be done.

here is the picture in the top right of this picture

Next is the game manhunt2. The bbfc have refused to give it a rating. Thus making the sale of it illegal in the UK. However it not illegal to own it. The bbfc say that the games violent content is cruel and sadistic. And under there guidelines have not given it a certificate. Witch is fair enough. On a side note they gave starwars episode one and 18 certificate, when it was first submitted it contained a “head butt” and under guidelines that’s and automatic 18. I think that the bbfc do a pretty good job. Especially now the 12a rating thing is sorted. I think that the manufacturer of manhunt2 will appeal and probably make some cuts. And the game will get released. At the moment they are holding back the release. Some European countries are letting it be relised uncut.

The thing that makes me angry is that people that go around trying to ban games and caused a lot of the problem with the Manchester church, are deliberately confusing the two stories making it seem like manhunt2 has cctv footage of the buldger abduction. Its release is only being hindered by it violent content.

In the USA a lawyer called jack Thompson seems to have a personal vendetta against take 2 interactive. And is trying to ban every game they make. To me he seems like eather a loony or someone that under the guise of standing up for a moral code can make money. At the mo he’s trying to ban manhunt and grand theft auto 4. The stuff with him is way to complicated for me to talk about here. But the guy “claims that the PlayStation 2's DualShock controller "gives you a pleasurable buzz back into your hands with each kill.” And basicly thinks that games are training people to enjoy killing . have a look at his page on wiki http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Thompson_(attorney)

What iratates me is people that are supoably doing the right thing or the thing with the best intentions then why do they have to use deseptive tactictics.


Its like the smoking ban. I don’t smoke never have,and never will. But I don’t think that the govement should issuse this ban. I think it sould be up to the propritor. If there was enough call for smoke free pubs then there would be them already. People don’t like smoking when there are eating. Most rastrants are eather no smoking or have 50% non smoking. There that’s what people want. Id like everwhere to be smoke free. But I don’t suport the ban. In witherspoons in andover 50% of the pub is no smoking. And that half is always only inhabeted by about of a quarter of the patrons. I think that if that menny people wanted non smoking pubs they would atlest half of all pubs. This ban is removing choice and freedom. The bods incharge minipulate the facts and figgers about what was passave smoking and is now second hand smoke. I think this ban dosent nesseserly have public helth as it core motive. Also I think it is going to cause more “anti social behavior” eg pub car park fights. In a town like andover there is lots of pubs in a padestrionised street. So people are going to be going in and out having a large quainaty of people hanging about in this area. Its going to need police to supervise. I just think there is going to be a few unforseen effects. Atest when there is fights ill be inside in a half empty pub with a good view of the fighting. Im happy both ways.

Soz ive lost the plot abit there is some chave outside talking about how they are “choreing” witch means I best lock the door and go to lunch. Yeah people steal glasses and i better go clame my 4 sterlings

Bond songs, women and technology and winning the lotto


Please note I cannot be held responsible for any mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, karma, dharma, metaphysical, religious, philosophical, Logical, Ethical, Aesthetical, or financial damage caused by this post

Im going sound very sexest in theis post so if that likely to offend you. Stop reading now and you can pretend you read it and it was about bunnys

On the bacon sarnie run this morning I stopped in the shop next-door to get the milk and paper. The shop is owned by a man from Iraq and his wife is from turkey or Poland I'm not 100% sure witch. Today as I walked in blaring out was sherly bassy “gold fiiiiiiinger” and the changed to another bond tune by the time I got to pay from my provisions. I just though it was a very odd thing for them to listen to and even odder thing to have play in a corner shop.

When I got into my shop I made a bee line for the kettle and in its way was the dismantled hoover. And a note. From the cleaner. “Hovers not working that well so I washed it” WASHED IT! That is like saying the computer is working I’ll wash it. She washed the paper filters. In a bowl with washing up liquid….. not give them a tap over the bin to un-clog it and carry on….. NO she put all the parts she could rip off into a bowl of warm soapy water. How is putting the dust collection try In water going to help it pick up dust. She’s a woman and a cleaner how the fuck does she not know how to use a hover. To make matters worse they don’t make filers for it anymore even though its 2 months old.

Second stupid thing. my step mum borrowed my phone to take a pic for my sisters in there prom dresses. I think the pic speeks for its self.

Women and technology * sigh *

On a lighter not I won 4 sterling’s on a scratch card. And its payday. I’m a hundredair socialite.
Stuff about the smoking ban and the manhunt2 ban is making me angry. I may have to right a new post in a min

“Loved and loathed in equal measure, Bernard Manning was also one of the last old-style comedians” daily express Wednesday 20th June 2007

Old-style…… that’s a tactful way of saying bigoted racist.


It seems strange when you start to look at comedy. You look at inosent jokes like you where told whe you where a kid. Just never made you laugh in the was that soming can make you laugh nowdays. And that things pretty much had to be jokes. Set up, feed line, punch line. Moove on to next joke. Dodd, Monkhouse, Cooper, Dawson and Manning had more mother in law jokes than there where ever knock knock jokes. The thing is to make a joke relly funy the joke has to be on someone. And that some one or something has to be well known. You cant pop up and say “yeah my mate dave right… got drunk and tried to shag a cow” see thast not funny unless you know dave. If you said “ jesus righ got drunk and tried to shag a cow…. Hows that for coveting your nabours ox” now I know that’s not brillent. I thought of it on the spot. But the point is almost everyone has a point of refrence. It’s the same with rasest, sexest and disabled jokes. Lots of comedens say things that are racist ect.. but say it in a post moden and ironic way. You laught coz you know it’s a wrong thing to say. But the sooner there isnt any racesism in the world the sooner whe can all stop killing eachother for selly reasons.

Refering back to above the there are only a few ways to say a joke without needing to have a person etc to have the joke on is the old pull back and revel. “I always sleep in the nude its ok but it upsets the other people on the bus”

Ronnie Barker’s news reading on the two ronnies is in my opinion the best clean jokes there is. “a cement mixer collided with a prision van on kingston pass. Moterists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardend criminals” you can tell that to your gran or a 6 year old and its funny.


Freedom of speech everyone has the right to be offended, not everyone has the right to not be offended
Harry Craig –lowdon (in a high pitch squeeky voice) “you cant say that” everyone else “ohh yeah well just did”

********edit*******

"Don't go thinking I'm the new Bernard Manning," he tells the audience. "I'm being post-modern and ironic. I understand that what I'm saying is unacceptable. But does that make me better than Bernard Manning, or much, much worse?" :- Richard Herring

Slapping fate in the face with my cock


Sadly I do this a lot and almost 100% it comes back and bites me in the ass

Last night there was an amazing storm. I was in the xbox 360 having a bit of a blast on shadowrun, with my partner in crime the right honourable Tommy. When he disconnects from the Internet.

Tom “sorry my dad says there’s a chance with the storm that it could damage the computers so I can’t play online”

Me “stop being a fag. Or ill come over there and give you the Garry glitter treatment. Just unplug your old mans pc if he’s gonna cry about it. It’s not like you in the middle of a filed in a bucket of water holding a pole”

Tom “nervose laughter (he is quite frightened I am trying to groom him on the net) na soz mate gotta go.. Play again tomorrow”


I’m like a real man so I carry on playing. (I don’t get struck by lighting)


Get into work……… the computers are all fucked because of the storm
Fate how I slap at you with my member

There are some times I really fucking hate Aldershot


Today I've woken up and I feel a bit pissed off. The morning passed with my shop not being that busy. The people who did come just annoyed me. I woman came in the shop the stood in the middle of it with an expression on her face like she had no idea how she got there. I said hello to her 3 times before she acknowledged my existence. Then she sort of drifted around in a cercal of the shot then shuffled out. I of the tings that really annoy me is when people call me and make an appointment. Then say hold on I haven’t got a pen or my diary. When they called me to make the appointment. Then the go off find it the spend another 10 mins of my life booking it. The when the booking is over. They phone me back saying they can’t make it. Then 10 more mins rebooking. Then they phone back state away again. This dick head did this to me today 4 times. Wanker. I got harassed by the ropy looking pikey twins and there mother trying to “sell” me luck in twig form. The streets here are filled with chavs screaming at each other. And I shit you not a woman walked massed my shop. Walking towards a bin (and she walked passed it). She threw a bottle of coke on the floor 5 steps before she got to the bin. And the kicked the bin which takes up half the width of the pavement as she went passed. That’s the kind of cunts you get here. People come out of the shop next door with cigarettes jump on the bin. Unwrap and light up and throw the wrapper on the floor and not in the bin they are sat on. I just can understand the thought prosses of the retards

To use an 80’s term I hate litterbugs……. Hopefully I can shit this mood tonight at badminton

I feel sorry for my littlest sister


Saffs bless her picks the biggest dick heads in the world as friends. On numerous times she has been bullied by them and the have also lied to her boyfriends saying she was cheating on them so the dumped her. Stuff like that. Being a teen is hard enough and friends like these who needs enemy’s etc… her chose in people she fancies is worse. If you flick onto mtv and see some emo pounce squawking away about how he’s going to cut himself. You can bet your ass my sis fancies him, knows his name, inside leg measurement and has probably hung around at a gig groupie stile to meet him. I shit you not she a fool. Anyhoo all the twats on her myspace are the same type, she seems to be a sucker for people who say they are in a band.

The other day she brought home this boy. (He was 15) he walked striate in and started playing on my bro’s ibernez, which was really fucking, expensive. My mum told him to put it down. Then my bro came back from the gym and he had a copy of mens health. And the kid goes is that your gay porn and then laughs at his own joke. My brother laughed it off. Witch was pretty got for him coz he has a very short fuse. But the kid keeps piping up calling my brother who hes never met gay. And showing off in a house hes never been to and people he dosent know. My mother relly didn’t like him. The kid went to my sister’s room and my bro when out and started playing on this kids skateboard. (Probably because he played on this guitar). The kid opens the window and starts swearing at my brother and says “you about as good as aids at skateboarding” bro pipes up with ”well if I got aids its from your sister” when my bro herd the kids name re realised that he had fucked this kids sister a few weeks previous. This kid offers my bro out. At this point my bro picks up the board and throws it smashing it and and in the house and up the stairs before you can blink. The kid had only got about 5 steps away from the window when my brother had decked him. My bro didn’t hit him just jumped on him. The kid started screaming like a girl and waling sorry. Evan my mother said it was funny. My bro stopped almost instantly coz this guy was just about to cry from just being pushed over and was laying in the foetal position.

Honestly what kid of twat starts a fight in a house that you are a guest in? And the cry’s when it starts?


Know your emo’s watch out you may get covered in they’re tears


Feel sorry for my sis. 3 older bros. no ones gonna be good enough for her

God VS Sony


it is with almost disbalf that i saw the news that the church was seeking legal action because the game resistence fall of man is in it. ive played the game so ill give to a breef rundown of what happens. its an alternative reality in the 1950's and some aliens have invaded europe. your a lone solder blaa blaa blaa save the world. the lvls are based in diffrent cityes . lvl 2 (i think) is manchester. the game is basicly you alking about streets engaging the alen hord in scermishes. very much like half life two. and to think of it like most first person shooters. this is bascly a world war 2 shooter with alens insted of nazi's. in the section in mancherster you clear a few alens from building and then you and some troopes walk into a semi distroyed church. its a trap. and hundreds to scorpion type alens swarm you. you shoot them. you go to the next room thers a few bigger aleins then you leave threw a side door. there is no gangsters no hot coffee mod. just a 3 min part of a game. in about 3 lvls time is set in chedder in summerset. does that meen the torist bord is going to sue sony too coz it will make people think there is aleins there?

now i dont know if the church in the game looks anything like manchester cathedral. im shure it may look a bit like it. as thoes kind of bildings userly have staind gless windows and pughs. i have played menny other games that have gun fights in churches. and films lets face it most john woos films have them in. most world war 2 games do. rainbow six vagus has, pain killer, serously there is loads. i haded evan notised the location with and intresed. im sertanly not going to walk into a chuch with a gun, but then it would be handy if i was being attacked by a swarm of alen scorpions. with computer games they are made so you can do fun things that you cant do in real life. its escapeism like a film or a book. most people are doing somthing compleatly mundain before they comit an act of violence. bloke leave the loo seat up. woman gets angry and slaps him. im shure thats happend more than once. but its unremarkable. kid was playing on the computer brother switches the machine of kid gets annoyed punches brother. i know thats happens few times. but people jump on there houres and say it the games that made him hit his brother.

your always going to get loonies. its not the books they read the films they watch or the games they play. its them. too menny people with too much time on there hands are jumping up and down bleaming things for whats wrong with the world.

i have played spider man. and i dont want to jump off a building in new york. lots of games are in real world locations

if its a matter of copyright thatn thats going to be intresting to see what happens. that seems to be put on the back burner in favor of the moral coruption of games. the building was totaly 3d made and teh textures where painted by i texter mapper. the bulding was not made of digatal photos. like the game the gettaway (also made by sony). if the church wins and sony have to pay up coz they used a building with out permision. dose that mean that the other buldings you goin in in the game can the owners sue aswell? if the game was just on earth and not ever metions what city or contry its in none of this would ever have happend. its only the guy who wrote the plot for the game wanted to make a change and put in the names of some real plases to make the game have more of a plot.

im not too good at talking about issues like this as i can never quite say what i mean.

i think that people should be cureing things rather than worrieing what outher people play watch and do. it infrindgeing our freedom.

people mean well. but i bet most protesting agains this game have never and will never have played it. its not evan that good.

second thought its not God vs Sony

its well meaning meddlers Vs everyone else's freedom

Helpful advice and demolition

Please note I cannot be held responsible for any mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, karma, dharma, metaphysical, religious, philosophical, Logical, Ethical, Aesthetical, or financial damage caused by this post

As a man (actually I still think I'm a boy) I have come to realise over the last week. That deep down in all males is the lust to destroy. It’s so much easyer to break things than create. Especially when it comes to life. 30 seconds from us (and to be fair that’s doing the horizontal hoky-koky twice) and the poor ladys have something gestate and claw there way out of them in 9 months time. To be fair lads we don’t relly care witch hole are gametes go it and weather they get used or not (unless your catholic). Apart from that what we do best is brake and kill stuff. Thinking about it that probably why God made the males side of the reproductive procedure relatively fool proof. So this week has been the kick off of the demolition of Farnborough. Its only 7 years behind schedule. But the town has been descended on by a crack team of males. They’ve taken down the back halves of 2 rows of shops in a week and it’s a glorious site to behold. The rubble, the twisted carnage and the shattered glass. I honestly stopped to watch as I walked passed. I watched a bloke with a crowbar smashing a window. Then clawing out the frame. I felt a longing coming deep from inside me to do such a thing. I thought for a second that I must be a bit strange. And contued walking back to work. Then I relses I was not alone. A middle-aged man was standing almost with his mouth open watching. With a glint in his eyes that I could tell he wanted to play too. Then a saw the windows of the flats opposite and I could see males peering out watching. There is a part of the male gene that makes us want to brakes stuff. And I wouldn’t be surprised if when they find it and look at it under a microscope its crowbar shaped. My one disappointment is that I have never seen a wrecking ball. But all the same id love to get stuck in with a crowbar. I know id get tired and it would were off after an hour or two. But you know that the demolition boys have much more fun than the guys that are going to bee there in a few weeks building new shops.

I have a few friends that ask me advice from time to time. And generally I think that most people know what the “right” thing to do is in almost every situation, and if they didn’t they’d ask some one more important and experienced than me. They just want someone else to tell them so they have someone else to blame, or so they know it defiantly the right thing to do. So generally I just talk bollocs when they ask my advice to make them laugh. My favrote witch is generally a tiny bit over used. Is when someone comes up to be saying there girlfriend has done this/said that etc… I say “you know what you should do mate…. Slip her a length…that should sort her out” they look at me a feel sorry for asking. My point is that if you have women trouble you should listen to what’s wrong from her. half the time listening and talking the thing over sorts it. Everyone knows it. So I think that giving an inappropriate course of action is funny and one day someone may come back and say it worked. A mate of mine was a bit stressed coz its exam time and he said that a woman was giving him grief. So I suggested he “bent her over his exam desk took her roughly from behind, and used her back to write his answers on, then hand her in at the end” I can remember his exact response but it was I cant do that it is against exam rules. “Yes I suppose it is” I said “noise rules. The sound of your ball bag slapping against her undercarriage is going to be over the 60 decibels allowed by the exam bord regulations”

I like to think in my own way I helped him with his stress before the exam.

Cardiff, Cats and Crazy dreams

“I know when I want to eat…… my phone charger. No that would be silly….. why?….. its not like I need it anymore…. It looks tasty…. Ok ill cover it in salad dressing…… chomp chomp chomp….. Oh no it’s broken in half how am I going to charge my phone now???!!!” thank fuck I woke up at this point. I have no idea what the hell I was dreaming about. I’m frightened to think why I thought a plug would be tasty.

On Saturday I did a colossal drive. Farnborough to Southampton. Then to Cardiff. Then back to Southampton. That’s basically about 350 miles. With all the fun of “going for the bridge” I got some serious road fatigue. Its just makes me spaced out and laugh like a fool. I had a glass of wine. Well actually it was a mug “the chizz” and me drink wine from mugs (its the done thing) and she gave me a mug that has a tiny frog in it. So as you drink it slowly emerges from your beverage. I don’t know if she intended to do it for a laugh. But I genuinely thought I was hallucinating for second of two. A little poisions tree frog peering out from your mug of wine after a 350-mile drive gave me the jibblies. I’m not shure it brought on the dream where I felt I needed to eat my own phone charger tho. The trip was to see the recording of Richard herrings stand up show. Evan tho I had already seen it in Aldershot, the show was still amazing; I was in the front row. Mainly because I wanted “the chizz” the get abused by a professional and have a digital record of it forever more. (Chris if you are reading this. Go check out his fringe show) Richard herring also came up with the C.N.P.S game I’m playing . FYI I'm looking for a 23

I got home Sunday. Only to discover that we have inherited a cat. It’s a 6 (I think) year old, tabby (I think). All I know is that its got the freekeyest luminous yellow eyes I have ever seem on a cat. Or any other species for that matter. Now most people know that I hate animals. Not on a I kill them basis. I think things have the right to live, but they should just really live elsewhere and not touch me. (If you going to say oh Harry you eat meat, meat is murder. Well yes ok I like eating piggys and cows and chickens. But I don’t kill them I have the luxury of a bloke that dose that for me. And I had to kill an animal and eat it I probably couldn’t. I’m shure they maybe on an infinite timeline when id get that hungry. But it would take days. And anyway. Cows and stuff wouldn’t have ever been born if they wornt to be eaten. They a breed for food. Is it better to have lived for a bit and dies. Or to have never existed. Any way I’m not starting an animal rights / philosophical debate here. I've just accidentally gone off on a tangent) where was I? Ohh yeah the cat. Ok…. So I hate animals but I really don’t want anything to suffer. And this cat really was scared it ran under a corner unit and had been there for 12 hours. So I thought id take it a few cat nibbles and give it a bit of a stroke (a rub on its head not a embolism). Cat for some reason think I should be there property and userly “seem” to like me. So I though it may come out and I could show it where its water dish is so it didn’t die. And then id probly have to dig a hole for the thing. Also insure that the R.S.P.C.A might have something to say about a family that can only look after a cat for 12 hours before it dies. (Peta think keeping pets is wrong and wants to ban the use of guide dogs for blind people, so if you have pets and give peta money I hope you feel pretty stupid. So they would be against it Evan being in the house in the first place) so this cat the previous owner has imagnatly named “puss” (I would have atleased named it rasputin or sepheroth or something good) was tucked under this corner unit with me stretching and twisting about just to get in arms reach of it to give it s few biscuits so it doesn’t die. Yellow evil eyes glowing at me. I let it sniff my hand (that what you do with dogs… so I thought it would be a similar thing with cats) then put the treats infrount of it and gave it a bit of a stroke (not a haemorrhage) and it seemed to like it and started purring. So I left it alone for an hour and came back and repeated my actions. I seemed to be a bit more friendly this time and moved closer to me. Then with perring away it lulled me into a false sense of security and sank its razor sharp feline fangs into my hand ….. Twice.
That what I get for trying to be nice. It’s probably taking a piss on my bed as I type this and I have to check when I last had a tetanus coz I herd the lock jaw look was out this season.

MONKEY VS MIDGET : DEATHMATCH


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If you have issues about human and animal rights don’t read this


I have hated reality TV from the start. The only way big brother could be interesting to me is if there is no food. 30 people, last person not cannibalised wins. Wins passably only there freedom too. Fame and pop and whatever idol and star. Is just something people watch-to-watch fools that think they can sing at the beginning. and I like mocking people as much and the next sadist, but I relly think something like that needs to be taken to the next level. Adding an element of peril always spices things up. And combat stimulants.

So I think that nothing would be more watchable that MONKEY VS MIDGET : DEATHMATCH

Obously its just a concept an the moment and I have yet to submit the idea to any major cable channel. Coz lets face it the bbc aint gonna touch this with yours. Im thinking bravo or men and moters. Hell evan a poker channal might.coz there is going to be hudge betting potental. Lets face it its not going to be like the WWE. Old me oiled up in tight lycra trunks. If that turns you on your reading the wrong blog. Monkeys and midgets is where it is.

Two angry combat jused competitors in a cage. Crowed throwing in weopens that can be used by bouth primate and diminuative. Im shure the drugs are gonna have to be so stong that they cant feel when limbs get ripped off. Cos the best bit is when a monkey beats a miget to death with its own disembodied arm, swinging down from the cage. The gasps of the crowed ….. throwing in garden shears. Nothing is funnier than a monkey with a sythe.

Half running man half celebraty deathmatch

The ideas are limitless just as long as peta or amnesty don’t lynch me first

Mouth pain and I quit the wrong time to stop sniffing glue


The title was just to make it sound more interesting than this post really is. Every now and a gain I get mouth ulcers or canker sores if you’re American. If you have never had one then you are lucky and I sagest you get on your knees and thank witch ever God you believe in. I here you saying “ohh harrys moaning coz he s got a little mouth sore….. What a big fucking crybaby. Lets give him something to cry about get the mail sack, live crabs and bat with nails in” alas I with it was one. At the moment I have 15. Smallest it about 1mm in diameter and largest is about 8mm. I’m pretty sure though that the five on the inside of my cheek are not long from merging like an evil power rangers baddy into 1 big ulcer the size of a 2 pence piece. Needless to say im not really looking forward to that. This happens to me quite a lot. And every time I go to the docs or the dentist they go “ohh yeah you have mouth ulcers” like I didn’t know. They pat me on the head and send me on my way, with my heart slightly more full of resentment for the world. Also in the case of the doctor the userly take some of my piss too. Fuck knows why. I recon they are piss vampires. Every time I go to the quacks they want some. Went there coz I has a dodgy foot. Piss sample. Allergy to insect bights, piss sample. They must have a lake of my urine by now. They probly spend weekends there swimming, basterds. Well anyway my toung is about twice the size its serposed to be. And the inside of my cheek is swollen. Both have ulcers on and they rub together every time I talk, swallow, chew, and breath. So im trying to to talk. “Hallelujah” I hear you cry.
The one customer I dint want to see came in. she’s deaf and she lip reads. I can barely move my mouth and I’m dyslexic. So I couldn’t relly communicate to her at all. Lucky she just now thinks I’m a bit simple as all I could do was read what she wrights and I can nod my head. But it still took 10 to get across that she wanted contact lenses and what her name was. The hardest part was me saying they'll be her Saturday and how much they where. Also in my pain I also said I’d phone her when they are ready. Lucky she didn’t notice. Because she might think I really was being a rude fucker.

like fater like son

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at work i was dishing out some glasses to a bloke and they where designer. and as desiner things go most have cases bags and other crap paper things. infact half a rain forist full acompanys your perchase.

me "fit ok?"
him "lovly. relly pleased with them"
me " because they are desinger you also get this poincey bag"

he pauses for a second. then i relise hes gay. he lokes desiger stuff espesaly the daft bag. and i have just insulted him to the very core of his being.

i go and tell my father just incasese there is any repucushons. terns out hes the reseptionisets next door nabour. my old man has a bit of a chuckle and tells me to be a bit more carful when im talking

he shouts

"theres a time bandit out side!!!" pointing at a person of diminuitive stature

embarrising things at work



there is one thing you can do in my job that makes may heart stop. its an instent wich explodeds then dies away slowly when your brain starts the prosses of how to get away with what you have just done. snapping peoples glasses in half infrount of them. glasses are quite an expencive item for there size. and people relly dont like it when the brake. in my 7 and a half year of being an optician i have probubly done it 5 or 6 times. its a hazard of the job. say i fix and adjust 5 to 15 pairs of specs a day and i have only broken 5 or 6 pairs. i would say im quite good at my job, im defnatly brakeing less that 1%. but thats absoultly no consalation to the persons glasses you do it to. the thing that always suprises me is the sound it makes. its makes a kind of "POP" very diffrent to when i have intentionly broken old pairs. its seems this little pop some how triigers the sudden dredd i feel when i have to go and told someone i have broken there £800 platunum verifocals hand made by angels in the fire of mount doom on the atority of the dark lord salron himself. i've not made anyone cry yet. but i snapped some kids pair inhalf today. i thought that was going to be that one when someone cryed. luckly the little guy dint seem to give a fuck. he seemed more intrested in his harry potter wand. then piped up with "now i can have some harry potter ones". luclky there not expencive. you as tax payers (and me) have to stump up the fee.

but all that is nothing in comparision to my job at jungle jungle menny yaers ago. its a kids "fun house". i was hung over and teh plase was packed with 2 to 8 year olds off there tits on shuger and artafishal colours. and one little chap kept hassling me to throw him in the ball pool. i was not rellyt suposed to touch children (not in that way) but basicly cos if i dint touch a child there was no way that i could get accused of anything etc etc... (im not a peado) this kid was hassling me like a kid that wanted a new power rander of pokimon or what ever the hell kids want. he hasseled me for about an hour and my hangover relly wasnt helping. he finaly got to me. so i picked him up under the arms lifted him about a foot off the ground and shove him backwards bum girst into the ball pool. this "throw " was smaller than he could have done kumping backwards. he ran off screaming and crying. i was summond to the mangers office and told that the boy had gone to his father and that the father had gone to the manager because i had given the kid carpet burn.

for some reason the rest of the people i worked with (peopel i was at collage with) found it helarous that i had given a 3 year old carpet burn in the ball pool

snapping glasses is nothing in comparision

Geek nostalgia, Eurovision and insest


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Friday was the release of command and conquer 3. I was a big fan of the games and I was please that the plot was following on from the tiberum time line (told you I am a geek). My little cold dead heart lit up when on the one of the first lvls I clicked on a unit and the sound clip played “YEAH!” I clicked on a building “I GOTTA PRESENT FOR YA!” BOOM, “THAT WAS LEFT HANDED”

If you know what im talking about you’re a geek too. And if you don’t have a Scooby then live safe in the knowledge you haven’t wasted your life and money on computer games. What I found strage is the 3 little sound clips I remembered from a game I played probably about 1995.

Saturday was Eurovision. Yes I know what your thinking hes written about video games now Eurovision. What kind of flagrant homosexual is he?!

Well there is a few “traditions” that we stared at collage and Eurovision is one of them. When we where to young to get into pubs we invented the Eurovision drinking game of death. The rules have changed over the years. But basically its drink when something funny happens. Funny being camp sarcastic dodgy outfit. Of a wardrobe malfunction. Eat food. Basically have a kitch cheap night with friends. We did try this game with spirets once and all I can say it was unpleasant for everyone concerned. Now we just play with larger and wine. But it is and exercise in speed drinking.

Lets face it we as a nation thing we are above eurovision anyway, so it supprises me when people moan that no one voted for us and that France only beat us alphabetically. All the western country’s who fund us seem a little bit resented as we buy are way into the finals and then don’t bother submitting a descent act. I was having a gander at wiki about the winner a strange dyke looking women that have lots of other women clutching at her and an odd love hart on there hands motif. She like a top selling artist In Serbia. Most of the eastern country submit there top acts and have to compeat to get there. And then the sit there voting for their nabours like grease and cypress always do. Yeah its lots of fun to watch and take the piss but we must remember that the song we enter we picked on its piss taking merits in the first place. If we think and act like we are above it then we shouldn’t take it to seriously. Terry wogan’s commenty is worth the licence fee.

At the erovision “party” I took along my littlest sister as she would be home alone. And I fear she would probably eat her own leg out of boredom. Her and me have a quite similar sense of hummer so when ever we go to gigs or watch I film together we have quite good banter. Some of my friends not knowing she was my sister told me after the party. That girl was well fit and we made are relly good couple.

She’s 15 and my sister

I felt a bit horrified to the core, that the first choice of females I know that my mates think I should be with is my sister