There’s a list of people you shouldn’t piss off when they are doing their jobs, as it goes bad for you. Normally most people say number one on that list is people that are preparing you food. I may argue with you and say the man with the rubber gloves at customs. But anyway high up on that list should be hairdresser whilst they are cutting your hair. Guess what I inadvertaly did that. Now im not too bad at understanding ascents. This guy was from some ware like turkey possibly but he started chatting to me and had the clippers going proper loud in my ear and he spoke quite softly. So I couldn’t understand a word he said. So I politely smiled and chuckled hopeing it was the correct response. A girl pointed something out to him in the paper and then walked off. This is want I thought I herd “mumble mumble amir khan mumble mumble girlfriend, mumble mumble really beautiful?” so I though he’d been showed a picture in the paper of amir karns mrs in the paper and was commenting on looks. “ I cherped up with “ohh I dunno” “and he looked at me a bit shocked and slightly put back. Then looked at the woman and looked back at me a bit cross and said “my girlfriends beautiful” all I could do was thinly smile and think I really wonder what the Amir khan bit was and I hope he doesn’t fuck up my hair on purpose for insulting his mrs, as he stony faced put down the clippers and pulled out a cut throat razor and begin to hack away at my hair.

“can I have an eye test” “I can book you in but we are full for the rest of the year next date available is 5^th Jan” “not today” “no sorry” “please?” “the optometrist is not here today” “can you do it” “afraid not” “why?” “because im not an optometrist”. “how long does it take?” “the test takes around half an hour” “so we can do that now?” “no as I explained there is no optometrist here today” “its only the HGV test” “well that doesn’t change anything” “I only need the HGV part” “well the HGV normaly ask for a full test and sometimes extra tests depending on the job” “how much?” “a test is £24 pounds” “so if I come back in a bit we do it” “look there isn’t an optometrist in today” “I only need the HGV bit” “do you have the form?” “no” “well all I can do is book you in in the new year” “can I go in and look at the wall?” “no” “please?” “NO” “do specsavers have any tests?” “how should I know?” “coz you work in an opticians” “yeah I do … THIS opticians not specasvers” “so you wont book me with them?” “er????? Wha? No…” so I cant just go in the room over there and have a test” “sorry no bye bye” I usher him out the door

Its on street all day parking in aldershit and the ticket machines are on the pavement backs to the wall faceing the road. So to buy one you have to stand in the middle of the pavement. But the pavement it easily big enough for 3 abreast walking. I get to the machine a few seconds before a middle to old age woman. And because im parking all day its £3.60 and the wife has filled my wallet with 20p’s so I deside to off load them. This woman is standing next to me impatiently. As I get to around the £2 mark she lets out an large sigh, followed by a "tut" and then adjust her posture in an impatient way. Im trying not to pay any attention. My ticket seems to take ages to print and then takes me a few seconds to pick it out of the workings of the machine. And the woman makes an audible “at last” kind of pantomime sigh. I shoot her a thin “good morning you old bat” smile. And go to ticket in my car. I look at the woman to see how longs she takes to use the machine so when I get close I can say something like “printing slow this morning” but no she’s not even used the machine she just carried on walking up the road. Now I know im quite a bit fatter than I was 10 yeas ago. But there was still plenty of room to walk round me!

Im here to collect my wife’s glasses. I spend a few mins trying to find her record. Nothing in glasses collection. (getting slightly embarrassed its taking so long to find. I check the computer no glasses on order. I look in the contact lens system she has some contact lenses on order. “umm…. I don’t have any glasses on order with us, she does however have some contact lenses that are here ready” “yes she told me that her glasses where contact lenses” “pardon?” “yeah im here to get her glasses that are contact lenses” “her contact lenses?” “yes her glasses that are contact lenses” “here you go then” “does she need her glasses fitted?” “errr? These are her regular shipment of contact lenses” “yeah her glasses that are contact lenses” “she doesn’t need these fitted no its her regular supply” “so her glasses don’t need fitting?” “I don’t know about her glasses she hasn’t ever ordered any from us” “yes she has these glasses that are contact lenses” “well best you just giver her the contact lenses and she can call me if she needs anything” “ok thanks”

A very little man came is with the biggest turban I have ever seen, he looked exactly like the sultan in Disney Aladdin. “Hello young boy” “hi” “ im a fortune teller, I can tell you everything about yourself” (clearly got my age wrong from his opening statement) “well im working at the moment so im not allowed to do stuff like that on work time” “you have the eye of the tiger and the eye of love” “ right like I said sorry im busy “ “I shall come back later its very important, you a very lucky. I do forehead line reading and palms.”

I wonder witch eye is witch? And would he have a field day with Gordon Ramsey.

What’s with people standing in Victoria road at 2am and screaming they what a fight. Screaming for about and hour and not acutely having the fight that they very loudly insist they crave.

The first as an Asian man, im saying Asia and west Asia. Well that’s where his family was from but im guessing he’s never been anyware other than the grotty London tower block he lives in and coming to Farnborough was a treat for him. So London chav accent mixed with someing west of India. That is my best guess.

He was standing at the very start of the bus stop. Witch is pretty much below my bedroom window. He was basically shouting racial abuse at the black bouncer about 75 yards away on the door of witherspoons. When asked what he was doing and why wouldn’t her go over and say the stuff he was saying to the bouncer. He replied he was waiting for a bus. Even though the bus stop is actually about 12 feet from the door of spoons and much much closer to the bouncer. Who was unable to leave his door duties. Also I would argue more importantly what bus was he expecting to get after 2 am on a Sunday morning.

He kept calling the bouncer the “N” word. Then clamed it was ok for him to do so as he was black too. Also he said “you can only call someone a bitch if you have been to London” this exchange went on for longer than I care to remember , but I knew the bouncer would be finishing in a bit. As soon as the moment came the bouncer started to walk towards him and he scurried off like a little bitch (ive been to London so I can say it) and he was out of my field of view. The funniest part was as the bouncer came onto view properly he was about 5 foot and must have weighed 8 stone. Not to judge the bouncers physical abilities but the mouthy twat was much much bigger than him. There’s nothing funnier than a bigger bloke running away from a little bloke. Next thing 3 police cars roll up. Im assuming they put the twat in the car as someone was kicking the doors form the inside. And the police then spent 40 mins interviewing the door staff and some bloke who came from noware in a vis vest and kept me awake dubble the time.

After that anti climax of a fight it only got louder and worse. 2am Monday morning. Car horn and shouting wakes me up. Theres a car full of people honking and shouting at the top of there lungs at some bloke in the middle of the street. And when the bloke got close to the car they would still with there doors open shouting drive round the block. They where screaming something about “crack head” “that they had “assessed” that he could take is coat off” and a strange chant “southwood, southwood show us your trick” he defiantly said trick.i know this because he repeated it about 50 times. This went of for ages. When one of my nabours shouted at them he was met with abuse.

Ive still not actually seen one punch being thrown. Ive seen one bloke being held back by his mates …. And he wasn’t even trying to hard to get to the person he wanted to fight. If your gonna have a fight have a fight stop shouting nonsense and waking everyone up.

list of all the wierdos i met when i was in the usa

Strange lady at sea world that was shouting at me ”look look the are feeding the eels” whilst we where standing at the well signed stingray tank.

The crazy man that threw his bad so hard at the closed bus door that it broke the wheels off his bad then started screaming and trying to punch the middle aged female bus driver.

An odd couple that kept saying the where from “san Francisco” like it was code for something and stroking carlys hand like they wanted to do some wife swap. Then the woman said to me my sister is “at” Bristol. So I said university and she looked at me odd and said “err no she works at orange.”

And odd eastern European couple that kept cornering me in the airport and talking to me in language that I could not even identify let alone understand and not letting me walk by. They did this a number of times.

The strange lady that ranted for 15 mins at us saying that she hated obama for sending all the tax money to us so we didn’t have to live on mud huts. It was all obamas and Europe fault.

The gay couple that kept saying racest comments and misquoted Monty python sketches at me in what they clamed was a perfect English accents.

Everyone that said “we love Australia” “I love you ozzys” and“ you’re from new south Wales right”

The half Hawaiian and half Asian bloke who’s surname was “Wan” who thought he was English. Evan thos no one in his family or him have ever been to or come from England. And he said “coz wan is an English name”

Phone rings. Please could you tell me when I’m due for an eye test. I start looking up their record. Cant find it. check computer, then paper, then address, then spelling, the maiden name, date of birth search. “do you know who you saw last time you where here?” “ohh ive never been to you, I normally do to XXXXX opticians in fleet” “well you called me in Aldershot” “I know I couldn’t get threw to them on the phone so I decided to ask you”

More adventures with sports centre machines. As you previously may remember I was a porky 13 st 6lbs that 85.7kg for any of you using the Latin. And my body fat was “good” at just over 20%. That was around April. Possibly march

So now it’s September so 5 or 6 months

Ive lost a staggering 4 lbs…. Please please stop I can hear your gasps of amazement.

Bu then I notice something else. My B.M.I was 28 now its 27.3 so that’s better even tho bmi is a massive pile of bollox on toast

Then I read down. MY COCKING BODY FAT ID NOW 24.4% is was just over 20%

So let me get this. Im 4 lbs lighter…. But about 4 % more fat. MORE FAT!!!!

WHAT THE HELL HAVE I LOST!!!!!!! A foot?

And by my most likely wrong calculations that like putting on 2 kg of fat

A quest for stamps….

Walk in a queue up at the till in the co-op. takes ages. Many Old women are buying 60 john player specials, and you know they will be in there tomorrow doing the same. I get to the front and ask for 2 book of 12 first class stamps and 4 books of second. The girl looks at me like im talking another language. Then it starts to dawn on her what I have asked for. Then her face contorts and looks like I have asked her a riddle. “you do have stamps right?” “yeah” she pulls out some tatty tea stained bit card that could well have been a bit of cereal packet. And start to punch in some codes to the till. It rings up the correct price. (im slightly shocked) I hand over £40 and she automatically puts it into a note deposit box. (not sure what they are called but the are under the till and the put the notes in then press a “clacky” button and then light fingered staff can pilfer the monies.) she then opens a box and looks slightly shocked. “there’s no stamps” I do my best to only look slightly annoyed and my best raising 1 eyebrow like Rodger Moore (witch I cant do). She calls over someone and they take 5 mins and open another box and there’s no stamps. Then they call someone from “out back” (and the might as well been in the sodding outback for the time it took them to arrive) then they said the would get someone to look in the safe and see if there was stamps. Whilst this was going on I asked if I could have my change. As the woman serving me was extremely likely to forget. As I suspected she had, and had to serve someone else in order to get the till open. The person came from the safe in the outback and reported there was no stamps. “ohh well have to do a refund” and bless her she picked up and under stood why I was giving her the stink eye when she picked up a gift card in order to process my “refund”. “ill get the supervisor as I cant get your money its in the box” that’s 25 mins of my life I wont get back. It all could have been prevented by something simpler than a noel Edmonds game show. LOOKING IN A BOX

Idiot raciest came in...........

“you see those two?” he points at two Nepalese old men and my heart sinks because I know what’s to come. “yes” “do you know why they have those stupid hats?” “nope” “ coz they are the kings body guards. Whet the hell are they doing over her...e when the should be guarding their king” looking at them id be surprised if their combined age is below 160. “I think they are probably retired” hes not listening. “well I think they should go home and do there job” “yeah coz there like mr miyagi” (I say quietly as he turns and leaves)

2 idiots in quick succession.

How is it possible that a woman stinking of piss standing in the rain holding twigs she’s picked from a rounderabout clam to be selling “luck” if she had any and I mean any at all she wouldn’t be in Aldershot.

Some girl/woman walks in “you got any jobs going” “well if you pop in a CV ill pass it on to the owner” “Er?” “a CV” “what?” “a curriculum vitae” “what?” “a résumé” “Er?” “No we don’t have any jobs sorry”

Some bloke comes in with a European accent, witch I am unable to place. And wants to see “the lightest possible glasses I have” so I show the rimless, pure titanium’s and flexons. He spends about 10 mins trying things on and wanting to weigh them. He starts going into the finer points of what a flexon frame is made of, and how much less weight a rimless is compared to a rimmed simmaler frame. So much so hes talking about weight added by spring hinges. Then out of noware he starts talking about “8 new pieces of technology to protect you from screens” but cant telly me what they are…. Or what a screen is going to do to you for that matter. I explain coatings to him but he boasts that this technology isn’t in this country yet and snorts at my lack of knowledge of it. I then say “well weight can be saved also by high index lenses and different lens designs depending on his prescription”. “ohh good no I don’t want plastic plastic is crap” “right I say a little puzzled do you have any idea of your prescription?” “+0.50 I want glass, glass is pure, its in my camera, 1.6 index glass” “you do know that that is likely to be mixed with lead to make it 1.6 and it will be more than double in weight ” he camply gasped and looked shocked. For those of you not quite understanding this is the closest analogy I can think of. Hes buying a Ferrari when all he needs is a pair of shoes and with that Ferrari he has bought a hippo and put it in the boot

3 people just came in together. “we want glasses” “right do you need eye tests or have you had them recently?” “we are on pension credit so its free” “not really what I asked. have you got prescriptions?” “we’re on pension credit so glasses are free” “umm … no they are not” “where are the free ones?” “I don’t give glasses away free” “why not?” “coz id go bankrupt” the conversation then repeats its self with him saying where on benefits so we you have to give us glasses free a lot. Then he starts to try to haggle with me. But its not really haggling he sort of trying to get me to give him a £100 frame for free. “well im gonna go to my doctor then and he’ll wright a letter saying you have to give me glasses for free” “please don’t waste the GP’s time … and im defiantly not giving you anything for free”

two nutters so far today

Had an odd phone conversation. I was trying to order the special rubbish sacks you have to use here. “afternoon” “wishing you day away(I was trying to be light-hearted as it was only 9:15)” “what?” “is that sita?” “yeah” “hi id like to order some of the refuse sacks please” “how many rolls you want?” “how meny is on a roll?” depends on what size roll we give you” “ok can you tell me the sizes of the rolls then?” “some are 25 per roll and some are 50 a roll” “ok well if you are going to give me rolls of 25 then ill take 4 rolls and if you are going to give me rolls of 50 then I will have 2 rolls” “w...hat?…..so you saying you want 100 sacks?” “yes please” “ok” and she hung up. She has no cocking idea how or where I am so how s she going to send them to me. I immediately tried to call back and there is now no answer

Very odd-looking woman just came in. she must have been late 20’s but had a dress on that looked like it belonged to someone in their 80’s, a hair cut that it looks like he did herself, and woolly socks and sandals. She wanted to buy a glasses case. I found 2 that would fit her glasses. And it took her a full 10 mins to pick between them. Then out of the blue she said this. “its terrible isn’t it?” “what is?” “the shops closing?” I sort of glanced out the window thing I had missed something from a shop across the street. “which shop?” “all the shops closing Thornton’s, carpet right and tj Hughes” “oh right well its how things are going at the moment”(I say trying to politely end the conversation) “do you know why I think it is?” “ the state of the economy?” “ no I think its coz bills keep going up, the electricity people put the bill up, the water people put the bill up, bbc put up tv licence, road tax goes up, car insurance goes up.” She looks at me like she discovered the meaning of life. “I think you have hit the nail on the head there”(I say only very slightly sarcastically) “well its terrible those shops closing” “umm… we don’t have any of them in Aldershot anyway” “the licence fee if more than car tax” “well that all depends on your car” “it’s a Cleo… the tv licence is terrible” “im sure its fixed at the moment for a few years” “no its not …. I like watchdog” (that’s a cocking bbc program I scream in my head) “right well I have got to get on…” “you have no customers” “well there’s lots of paperwork”(and I have to stick this soul destroying conversation on facebook) she then goes on to poorly and inaccurately describe inflation to me in the most basic of terms but thinks she s discovered it like it’s a big mystery or secret. “are you trying to describe inflation?” “What?” “umm I really have to get on sorry” I usher her towards the door and she looks annoyed.

Two word film reviews

Thor: above average

X men 2: surpasses first

X men: the last stand: disappointing plot

X men origins: wolverine: solid effort

Just married: plain drivel

Déjà vu: good thriller

Porridge: classic comedy

Seems its not just me that gets idiots.

I walk into the dentist and get sent into the waiting room. I sit don and there is 1 other person there. a man in his 60’s. hes eyeballing me with a look of contempt. I look at him and pull a comedic confused expression of his contempt. (I know that doesn’t make sense…. He was looking at me odd so I pulled a way are you looking at me odd face). He looked away. But kept looking at me like I had broken in his house and voided my bowel on his rug. This went on for about 15 mins the the window thing opened and the women poked her head threw and say “mr. Tailor if you’d like to go up.” The guy just saw there. And started stairing at me again. And a few mins passed

“That not you then?” I said

“uuu?” he grunted

“Is that not you then?”

“what name did they call?”

“mr tailor”

“oh” he snorted

he got to his feet and stomped out.

I was still waiting when he came down to re-book for his next check up

“so shall I rebook you for 6 months mr tailor” the woman said politely

“no…. pfft to expensive make it 9 months”

“ohh ok…. Now lets look im going to need next years diary hand on…”

“what?”

“well 9 months takes us into next year…”

“no I don’t want next year I want November”

“right the woman says confused” and politely books him in for November the 3rd

if it was me I would have pointed out that that’s 6 months to the cocking day!

Two word film reviews

Green hornet: comic fodder

Unstoppable: tense scott

How to train your dragon: surprisingly good

X men: first class

Legends of the guardians the owls of g’hol : beautiful yawn

two word film reviews

megamind: mildly amusing

tron legacy: stylish sentimentality

Two word film reviews

Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone : magical fun

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets : maintains standard

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban : slightly disappointing

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire: thrilling triumph

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix : very dull

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince : pleasingly dark

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (part1): slow burner

6 days 7 nights: very average

2 word film reviews

Harry potter and the deathly hallows part 1: slow burner

Sherlock Holmes (guy Ritchie version): clever fun

Robin hood men in tights: brooks classic

Two word film reviews.
Machete: too silly.
The hangover: passable comedy.

We to the sports centre, trying to be a bit more healthy. Ive been letting the sport slip a bit as of late

I had one of these height and weight and body fat things done

And its weighed me up at a porky 13 st 6lbs that 85.7kg for any of you using the Latin

It says my BMI is 28… so that makes me over weight and it recons I should be 12 stone.

So 1^stone 6lbs or about 10kg to loose then.

In its next bit its says my body fat is GOOD (at just over 20%)

So hang on… if I have the right about of body fat….. im not at all mussley. Where the cocking hell is this 10kg im supposed to loose going to come from?

Bone?

A whole leg?

A particularly traumatising poo?

two word film reviews.

Skyline: B-movie tosh.

Due date: unfunny disapontment.

Kiss kiss bang bang: undervalued gem.

dirty rotten scoundrels: comady class

You find me in an odd mood dear reader

Slightly melancholy with world events and people stupid reactions and jokes. Now im normally the first to make a joke about something inappropriate. But some of the stuff ive seen isn’t funny. And is then just offensive. Yes you should laugh of misfortune. Yes you should laugh at everything going wrong. But you still should remember that people have died.

Also what’s annoying me is the fact that Germany has shut down nuclear power plants… now im not even educated in nucualer physics, power generation, history, or geography. But im pretty sure Germany isn’t a tsunami hot spot.

Also 2012 hang on……

Some drug addict twat out side just walked up to a Nepalese gentleman and said

“s’cuse me. Can I ask a favour”

“yes”

“can you move out your flat so I can move in”

“??”

“coz I cant get a flat”

“???”

“yeah that’s what I thought fucking great you twat”

yeah ok back to 2012 im not talking about the London Olympics

im talking about the end of the world or more importantly the retards that think it will be the end of the world.

I direct you to this video

If still not convinced that the world is not going to end. Then If you own a house I will buy it from you 5 grand. You can live in it rent free for a year and if the world ends the you are quids in. if it dosnt then you move out. are you that sure it will end?

Please note I cannot be held responsible for any mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, karma, dharma, metaphysical, religious, philosophical, Logical , Ethical, Aesthetical, or financial damage caused by this post

The human race is doomed (contains sweeping generalisations to intentionly cause offence)

Work shy thick people have lots of kids and this causes them to have low income and thus a greater chance of poor education. Poor education, poor income, workshy, more kids. Ever turning cycle when even if there was the glimmer of home of 1 person being some kind of genus that could save mankind they have more chance of being dole scum.

Rich clever people who are saving mankind have fewer children and because they are working. Cresh there children instead of nurture. So the chance of their passed down intelligence is snuffed out by the social awquard resentful that mummy and daddy packed them off o boarding school. Doesn’t actually do anything as they can sit blow their inheritance.

So on a long enough timeline intelligence is decreased

just had a woman in who wanted react to light lenese but refused to look at any glasses because they have clear lenses in. and couldnt understand that it would that model frame with lenses made for it. she stood looking at the sunglasses and complaine that i didnt have a very big react to light range

this one dosnt seem to be here for some reason. se the re post

mondays 2 word film reviews.

Alien: cinematic masterpiece.

Aliens : logical continuation.

Alien 3: underated gem.

alien resurrection: turgid joss whedon space pirate pile of shit

(just couldnt stick to 2 words on the last one)

This weeks 2 word film reviews.

RED: charismatic fun.
Social network: cinematic class.
Burke and Hare: cameo extravaganza.
Despicable me: bloody brilliant.
Shrek the third: please don’t.
Shrek forever after: make anymore

Oct holy crap that was a while ago

Well been planning the wedding a lot and lets just say there’s lots to do. Taken up a lot of time

So one idiot of the week for you

Bloke comes in with very badly bent glasses

“Right sir I’m not sure these are going to take being bent back”
he looks at me angry “well I was told they where indestructible”
“by who?”
“the people that where here before you”
“before me? Well I have been here 11 years”
“oh… but they are supposed to be indestructible”
“sir nothing is indestructible… these are made of titanium so they are light weigh and defiantly would not have been sold as indestructible”
“cant you heat them up”
“pardon?”
“cant you heat them up and bend them back”
“well off the top of my head sir the melting point of titanium is approximately 1500 oC. apart from not being able to touch them i think that might damage the paint”
I go out back and do a damn good job of keeping them in one piece and getting the wearable
“there you go did my best, hopefully last you until you can have an eye test and sort another pair”
“I thought titanium was indestructible”
His angry face changed when I gave him the news “ nothing is indestructible”
He grumbled and walked out with not so much as a thank you for fixing my glasses that I have been a numb nuts and stepped on

flu jab

got a bit of cold on at the moment so it seems slightly topical that i noticed this


http://your.asda.com/2009/9/22/asda-offers-uk-s-lowest-price-seasonal-flu-jab

if you dont want to read or click in the link its about that adsa are doing the flu jab for £8

ASDA! holy fuck whats next the tesco maternaty and gallstone unit

Knock at the door

A blurry eye me opens it to meet a person in BBC news uniform

“Alright?”
“Hello sir can I interview you for BBC news?”
“Umm what for?”
“He looks at me a bit strange “the explosion! ……in sainsbrys”
I look over his shoulder at sainsbrys its less that 60 yards away from my front door, and I have been in all most of the day and the time I was out I was in sainsbrys…. I notice the store is covered in do not cross tape. i can see tv crews and jornolists. My face obously looks I tiny bit surprised

“you don’t know about it then?”
“umm no”
“Well it looks like a coffee machine exploded around 17 people are injured and 6 or so have been take to hospital”
“ohh bloody hell”
“so you have you not been here all day?”
“umm yeah ive been here”
“and you didn’t see or hear anything?”
“umm no… you see halo reach cam out today and I have had the surround sound up quite loud… lots of explosions…” (I trail off as he looking at me with a disapproving and saddened expression)
“yeah… ok thanks sir” he says slightly sarcastically but mainly with pity

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-hampshire-11302161

Ive got some Oakley x metal julets to fix. They are the massively expensive ones from mission imposable 2

And for some reason who ever designed them desided they shouldn’t have normal screws. The have torx or tourge screws precisely in the T6 screw.

I phone Oakley. On no we don’t supply the screwdrivers. A hardware store or electronics store will sell it.

Great so I have to go buy one just to fix some glasses.

I go into Farnborough hardware and have a bit of a look. Lots of screwdriver sets. But I cant see one with a T6 I can see a T7 and a T8 but no T6. I wait for the woman to stop having an argument about a refund for a scented candle. Then ask

“ ‘scuse me do do you sell T6 torx screwdrivers?”

the woman dose the largest pantomime shrug I have ever seen out side a pantomime and expels air from her mouth with some spit “pppppFFFFtttt”

“look I dunno I just sell stuff…..cant you find one on the self?”

“well no that’s why im asking if you have them”

she starts to look massively inconvenienced “so you can see one on the self?”

“no I cant”

“what about this!” she picks up the first kit she sees and hands it to me.

“no that doesn’t have one it, that’s for wood work mainly”

“whats it for?”

“well it’s a T6 so its used in electrical and some silly makes of glasses”

“is it for a phone?”

“no its not….. but phones probably have them. I can find a T7 and a T8 here but what I need is a T6 do you even know if you sell them?”

“whats it for?”

“well I have a pair of glasses to fix”

“WELL HERE THEN this is what you need” in even more pantomime stile she theatrically picks up a screwdriver kit and pushes it into my hand and looks at me like im a retard.

“ummmm…. This is a kit with a flat head screwdriver in and a glasses hanging cord for round your neck and some spare assorted screws….. its doesn’t contain the screwdriver I want to buy” I put it back on the self

“why are you in here? Take it to an optician”

“I am an optician……DON’T WORRY I’LL GO TO MAPLINS”

Refund

A man walks in

“hello how can I help you?”
“I want a refund”
“ohh right… what for”
“a sight test”
“you want a refund for a sight test?”
“you owe me £24 plus the cost of a voucher”
“umm… let me just get your record out….. its says here sir you haven’t had a test or any glasses from us since 2007”
“yes”
“I don’t think I understand you sir”
“well I got a letter saying a was on income support so you owe me…..”
“sir if you where on income support at the time we would have checked your entitlement letter and made sure you got what you where entitled to…. Infact here is a had written note from my boss saying you failed to produce any proof of benefits you where receive so you where not entitled to anything”
“well im on benefits so I want my money back”
“you want your money back of a sight test and glasses you had over 3 years ago?”
“yes”
“well technically you need to try to claim your money back from the nhs… and im sorry to tell you this but I wouldn’t hold up much hope. The system has changed as has the entitlements. And it was over 3 years ago. If it was 3 weeks ago you may have some luck but 3 years…”
“so your not going to give me the money”
“umm no. it’s the ns you need to speak to and I really don’t think you’ll get any money back. Look you are due an new test now and it will be on the nhs so why don’t you have a new one and then if you need a change of prescription they will raise a voucher and that will pay for your lenses so you will be up to date.”
“No I want a refund from you”
“well sir that just not possible as I have not supplied you with anything faulty or returnable. Ill phone the nhs for you and see what they will do”
“go on then”

bring bring

“nhs PCT”
“hello I have a patient that wishes to claim back the cost of there eye exam and the value of a optical voucher”
the woman loudly sighs then asks the customers name and details…
“what was the date of the test?”
“2007”
“what?”
“umm yeah the test was 2007”
“ HAHAHAHAHA….. you have a nutter with you don’t you… tell them to have a new test and a voucher”




Complaint about my attitude

Bloke comes in for a sight test

“hello mr.XXXXX for the 10:20 appointment?”
“where’s the woman”
“what the receptionist?”
“yeah the woman whos here”
“well shes not here today its her day off”
“ohh”
“anyway if you’d like to take a seat in the waiting area the optometrist will be with you in a few mins”

he walks of grubleing, has his test and im handed the results and he sits down at my desk

“right well it looks like there’s been a bit of change to your eyes since we last saw you 2 years ago and we can make you see quite I bit better for distance and reading than you are seeing at the moment”
“right?”
“well yes. As im sure the optometrist explained you would benefit from new glasses”
“oh ok” he says like its news to him. But written on the notes word for word is “told customer would benefit from new glasses”

“Would you like to order some today sir?”
“suppose”
“well for the last 10 years you have been having something from our budget range its £70 for the frame and lenses. Or you can have something from a more expensive range but you have had the budget range for the last 10 years and that is sufficient for your needs”
“so whens the woman back”
“she only works 3 days a week and shes back after the weekend…. So do you want to something form the £70 range”
“how much do I have to pay?”
“well it depends what you pick… but you have always had something from the £70 range and that ok for your new prescription”
“so what do I have to pay?”
“well if you pick the £70 range…” he cuts me off
“what does it COST?”
“well £70”
“so what do I have to pay?”
“well if you want something from the £70 range…£70”
“SO WHAT DO I HAVE TO PAY?”
“£70”
“I’m not paying that” in those 4 words before he has uttered the word “that” he is out the door

I think to my self what and odd bloke. The optometrist comes out and says that MR.XXXX was a really odd bloke kept asking about the receptionist.

Now hes come in complaining about me to the owner saying he didn’t like my attitude and that I told him he had to pay £70 and I dint explain what for


I hope the owner says “£70 for glasses you silly cunt ….and leave our receptionist alone”

Two drunk middle age rough as badgers arse women stagger across the road. The 2 of them using all there power to have the ability to approximate ambulation. The stagger leads them towards my shop door. I start to think negative thoughts. At the last min the chance course in smash into my window. The shout spit and swear loudly for a few mins…

Im screaming in my head wishing I could hate them to death.

Then police woman appears and walks towards them

Beethoven’s ode to joy starts playing in my head

Then when the police woman arrives the drunk women say

“alright sharron?”
“yeah not bad you girlds facny a drink?”
“yeah what time your shift end?”
“in an hour … meet you in the goose”


at this point i lose faith in all humanaty

Clash of the titans 3d


Now im not going into the film lets just say it was adequate and that I don’t really like the fact that they remade a classic.

I want to talk about 3d cinema

At this time I haven’t seen avatar. And its not on in the cinema anymore so ill probably see it in 2d on blu ray.

Is a film made better by it being in 3d? I think it makes an average film better in a novelty way.

Now most special effect films with big action scenes , big explosions, dizzying heights ect. The 3d adds scale and makes the film bigger. Because lets face it that’s what the film wants to be BIG. How can you make action film A bigger than action film B. 3D!

But would 3d make truly brilliant films better?

The userwel suspects in 3D?
It’s a wonderful life in 3D?
Reservoir dogs in 3D?
BLADERUNNER IN 3D?

I’m not sure it would. The other factor is those films where not made in 3d where as clash of the titans was made to be in 3d so there where scenes specially put in to wow and amaze in 3d (but not a lot else).

I have an sort of photographic memory7 for films I have scean. I can kinda replay scenes in my head. But thinking about clash of the titans. I cant really rember what bits where in 3D (an interestion point to probably no one but myself)

This things that didn’t work so well. The method used for the 3d was the dolby 3D. with is quite a clever 3d method. It used interference lenses to only allow certain wavelengths of light to each eye. So both eyes are getting all the colours but different wavelengths.

There is one problem with this the fact you loose light. In a dim cinema loosing 20% (im guessing) is quite a lot to loose and I felt that it was like watching tv with my sunglasses on.

Also computer-generated elements of the film worked a lot better than “real” elements. At some points the wrong things seemed to be in focus to me.

A nearer object sticking out of the screen and thus closer to me would be out of focus, the person talking would be in focus. But I had a waking depth out of focus object closer to and I found it a bit off putting.

Also there seemed to be an odd effect with people, they seemed to standing on top of themselves. Very hard to explain this , but when you saw a person in 3d. it looked like they had someone standing behind them because the two angles gave you slightly more than you should be able to see. This as well put me off. And at some points I found myself closing 1 eye until some more computer crash bang wolp came on.

There are lost of 2d clues to depth perception. If an object is bigger than another object that you know to be the same size you know the bigger is closer. Shadows , and overlapping.

The 3d only adds parallax. This is whaere a closer object moves against the way you are moving and distant objects appear to move in the same direction. An example of this is look out the side window of a car moving , things you pass appear to move in opposite but hills seem to be moving in the same direction (but at a different rate) not the best example there. But im sure you dint come here for a my excellent spelling and a geometric optics lecture.


Now as I have only seen 1 film in 3D. well I have actually seem 3

Creature from the black lagoon. This was with red and green glasses
Some imax cartoon this was with polarized filters
Clash of the titans the Dolby 3d method


Is 3d cinema just a gimmick….. At this stage I have to say I think it is.

I think it can be used for something something that the viewer looses buy watching it on tv….

SPORT!

I think 3d tv sport is the future for this not film. Watching on 2d you loose what you would see by being there. Football, rugby, tennis would all benefit from the view being able to see the positions of things in 3d. I don’t think that would be a gimick

Time will tell

A women came in my shop. she was elderly and a bit odd and referred to her self in the 3rd person just as much as she didn’t.

And also refered to herself as sainsbury and sainsburys

On the paperwork it was sainsbrys but that paperwork was from someware else

“so is your name sainsbry or sainsbrys its just you have used both”
she looked at me a little annoyed “its sainsbry”
“right cos on the paperwork its says sainsbrys”
“its sainsbry the same as the shop”
“umm the shop is sainbry’s…..”
“well my names not plural”
“so you name is without the S”
“yes its got an S its sainsbry”
“I was referring to the s at the end”
“there is no s at the end its spelt like the supermarket”
“yeah I was just checking because you have used both”
“so you cant remember my name”
“yes I can rember your name”
“can you call me a taxi…”
“yes ofcorse”

“for mrs sainsbrys going to …….”

2 nutters for you today


One comes in wanting me to look at their nose…… I know that pretty close to your eyes…. But its still not actually your eyes. Thus not really my field of expertise.


The second was a very bad liar.

“hello madam…. You seem to have cancelled you direct debit with us”
“I have never had a direct debit with you”
“Yes you have you have had it for a number of years but you cancelled it in October. So unless you restart it I can continue to supply you with goods”
“oh ok then”

she starts to fill in the form

“umm I don’t know the address of my bank”
“is it the same account as you had the direct debit with us before?”
“No its not it’s a different account”

I scream AHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHAAAAA in my head
I took her about 15 second to forget she had lied to me….. Children standing over a broken vase with bits of it in their hand saying I didn’t do it are better liars than that

Generally feeling a bit rough and feverish. I summoned up the strength to get up and stick the washing on. As I press the on button there’s a loud bang and the washing machine dies in a puff of white smoke than then bleeds stale water all over the floor. Much cursing happens. And its not even a consolation that I now don’t have to do the washing.

I get in the car….. Engine temp water light is on….. That’s not good. Some one in the family says they will have a gander at it. I drive to there with the light stareing me in the face. I stop after a while to let it cool. And the car does a big wee all over the side of the A303. much cursing happens.


The cat also appears to not be in a good mood. Generally trying to wound the wife and me.

Also I don’t recommend norovirus…. It fucking sucks. That’s why I haven’t been doing many updates

also some stupid chaz kid is giveing out my email again thinking its his. all the stupid emo chaves sending me mail and msn requests can cock of. and next time he trys to send me his xbox after its repaired im gonna keep it

ive suspended anonomus posting as it was getting spammed

Its amazing how embarrassment makes people lie

Some does something amazingly stupid and its going to cost them they say “I dunno how it got like that”

I seen pairs of glasses that look like they have been walked on by a carnival precession consisting of mainly elephants, and the person puts teher hand on their heart looks me in the eye and says I just opened the case this morning and they where like that. When I sagest that that could be true but they are leaving out the bit where the jumped up and down on then and then put them in the case so that when they open the case this morning the glasses where like it. They tend to get very angry. Because something they did that was stupid is now going to cost them. Most people come in saying that the fell apart over night in the case. And complain that the glasses a faulty and want a new pair.

Today’s bell end didn’t even have the intelligence to lie properly.

“These glasses have fallen apart…. “
“ok… lets have a look”
“thay are soo week”
“ umm… they look like that have been crushed”
“no….. they where just in my pocket”
“in the case?”
“no… and they may have got a little bit squashed”
“so they got crushed in your pocket because they wernt in the case”
“the case breakes them”
“the case …. I thing that designed to protect them when not in use breakes them?”
“yes they are weak glasses.”
“well you crushed them in your pocket”
“well you said they are under guarantee”
“when?”
“when I bought them”
“well yes everything you buy has a guarantee against manufacturing faults but crushing them isn’t a fault…. Its your fault”
“well they are undergarentee and they are weak”
“thay are not garennteed agains you being careless its not a manafaters fault you crusing them. I can get them repaired but you will have to pay for new parts”
“they are under guarantee I paid lots of money for these”
“look it dosnt matter what they cost. If you crused them you crushed them. They would have the same damage, no matter what they cost”
“well im not happy about this”
“(WELL IM NOT HAPPY ABOUT YOU BEING ALIVE) would you like me to send them away to be repaired?”
“go on then….”

2009 game awards
As decided by me



The winner of most pointless remake is …..The Chronicles of Riddick: Assault on Dark Athena

Re release the first game and tack on some shitty ad on pack and charge lost of money. Should just save your self the money buy grabbing the xbox verson out the bargin bin for £9


The winner of why the hell am I playing this its more addictive and life destroying than crack is… peggle

Bright colours encouraging sounds….. missing meals because you must just finish that last lvl ….


Best remake…… monkey island

Still I think remakes are a bit pointless. But butifly updated graphics and sound. And kept the plot untouched. Pure class


Hardest 1 bullet scrapes passed you and you die of a heart attack so defiantly nor for pussys fps of the year is …….. Operation flashpoint dragon rising.

In hard mode. No save point no hud. Infact nothing helping you at all. Spend 2 hours crawling on your belly. Most likely what id be like in a real war.


Most improved sequel of the year… assassins creed 2.

Took out 90% of the bullshit from the first game, good effort B-

Game that’s labled as a game but its pretty much and add-on pack you pay full price for…. Joint winners , left 4 dead 2 and halo ODST

Left for dead was in the first place an add on to halflife 2 and they made us pay full wack and now they have released a sequel they expect you to pay full wack for again. Halo. Chalks up the win here for making you pay for multiplayer lvls you have already payed for and a single player campain with is fun but short and hence essecaly an add-on pack


Most disappointing plot of the year….. modern warfare 2

The first game was at least grounded in reality. Thins game the “writers” went totally snooker loopy

Most disappointingly short game of the year…. modern warfare 2

I played this game in the hardest difficulty and I wrapped it all up in about 8 hours. If id been playing it in easy. I recon this game would be around 15 mins…. Totally not worth the price especially if you got some of the crazy special addition versions of this game

Worst game of the year that I actually payed for…. WET

Everything that is wrong with games is displayed here. Just bad…. No fun to play at all


And finally best game of the year..... Batman archam asylum.

Need I say more ist got fucking batman in it.

so you think its cold there....... well that ice on the inside of my windows.

Do you know what my problem is …… im too bloody nice.


This happens more and more to me.

Customer comes in, hands me a pair of glasses. And they say they want new lenses in them. When I look at them it turns out they already have exactly what the want in them they have handed me the wrong pair. The others are in a draw at home. The person I s a bit old and forgetful and it terns out they have been wearing their old glasses for a year or more and there brand new ones that have never been warn they think are there old ones. And then they want them brought up to date……. Evan though they already are.

I point out to them they must have another pair at home. Because my orders show that the glasses should be blue not brown, and a totally different size and colour. But they never believe me. Im trying to save them money and they think im lieing. Just because they have been a fool. I can change the lenses for you if you want . but ill be making up exactly the same as already in them.

The latest woman thinks im lie so much shes coming back to talk to my manager.

I know what I should have done. Told her they would be ready in 1 hour. Stick them on my desk. Read the paper, and in 1 hour hand them back and pocket the cash.

But I don’t coz im too bloody nice and ripping of pensioners is not my stile no matter how much they want me to.

Please note I cannot be held responsible for any mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, karma, dharma, metaphysical, religious, philosophical, Logical , Ethical, Aesthetical, or financial damage caused by this post


Over hearing “conversations” from winos outside

“you read this shit….. foreigners cunts getting a 1.8 milling quid house in London…. Fucking foreign cunts…..”
“don’t get me started…..(lots of racist incomprehendable swearing here).

The 3 winos then shout at some bloke at the other end of the street saying something about hamas…. The swig cans of K cider and special brew then beging to “sing” a nirvana song….
“yeah so I have to do some (insert a 3 letter abbreviation here) report fucking waste of time that is , but the fucking thing got me 12 months off my sentence, I served 5 days and the cunts gave me a flat” he then shouts some more rasest things at passers by and kicks his dog.


i wish i owned a gun and a licence to kill

Why I hate EA… (me being a fanboy here sorry)

Well hate is a strong word…. Ok they are not all bad….. but only in the way that Hitler wasn’t all bad.


What I dislike is the way they spot a small company that makes something good, buys that little company, amalgamate it in to there huge machine and the little cogs have no creativity anymore, lost the spark that made there good idea special in the first place.

And the other thing the do is release a game. Then slowly release add on packs and you end up spending 2 or 3 times what you would have paid if it had all been in one game. See the sims of burn out paradise.


The biggest thing that’s upset me is the have put criterion on making the new need for speed game. And even know I knew they would do this im still annoyed. (c’mon harry its only a game)

Burnout 1. good effort for a first game. Very similar to thrill drive.

Burnout 2 . fast, crashes pretty. I love love love this game.

Burnout 3 added the fact that you can takedown the other racers. A thing I always though should have been in burnout2

Burnout 4 or revenge. Pretty much the same as 3 but you could start to feel the meddling or EA

Burnout 5 paradise. I see why someone thought open word would be good. But to honest is was bad. For the purpose of it being a multiplayer destruction derby thing then yeah that was fun . But it wasn’t burnout. The fast racing was gone as was crash mode. The best party game since all female jelly twister. I bought it expecting to hate the open world thing and I did. The game was fun but it wasn’t burnout. If it had been called someing else I would have seid “yeah that games good but not as fun as the burnout games that company used to make” I think it was sold as a burnout game just so it had the burnout name coz that would get sales.

It was annoused earlier in the year that the criterion team are now making the new need for speed game. The need for speed game was the biggest competitor of the burn out games. It like the pro evo team making the new fifa. Or the silent hill team making the resident evil..

EA have bought the team that made top notch racing games and put them to work on their vastly inferior competitor.

Little cogs in the ea machine

Please note I cannot be held responsible for any mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, karma, dharma, metaphysical, religious, philosophical, Logical , Ethical, Aesthetical, or financial damage caused by this post


Do you know what pisses me off…..

Well quite a lot of things … but mainly today scroungers…..

A short man walks in asking for his glasses to be repaired. They are a year or 2 old and haven’t had a good life. (the glasses not him hes about 50). On slightly closer inspection (I didn’t dare touch them I haven’t been keeping up with my inoculations) I saw they where of the lowest quality possible. Im not going to mention the name of where they where purchased from all I’ll say is he shouldn’t have gone there.

He throws a grubby piece of paper infront of me that had horrible tide makes on it from him. It was a for outlining the benefits system and entailment to money for glasses.

“they say I have to pay for them” pointing roughly at the wall behind me presumably in the direction of the other opticians. I don’t dare turn my head and the charity box on my desk disappears when people like him are in and I take my eyes off it.

“well yes sir you do”
“it says here I don’t”
“sir that says there that….. people under the age of 16 are entitled to a repair voucher”
“yeah see I get a repair voucher”
“but your over 16”
“yeah it says over 16”
“only children get free repairs”
…….. he scans the paper……..”says here other people can too”
“well yes that true … but that a way of putting that disabled people can get repairs”
“Im disabled”
……the fucker walked in the place “well if for people who are very disabled”
“I am”
(I don’t fucking doubt that)…. “I mean people who are severally mentally and physically handicapped”
he just looks at me
“look sir you not entitled… its only for people so disabled they can even get to the shop”
“well I got no money”
“look I didn’t make those glasses there pretty cheep by the looks of them. If you got them on a voucher in the first place they had to cost around £36”
he interrupts me “they where free”
“yes I know you didn’t pay for them the NHS did and they cost £36 because that the value of the voucher. So logically if the frame and lenses cost 36. the frame would most likely be around £15 and they sould be able to get you a new one and pop your lenses in that”
“well im disabled I fall over a lot…”
I look at his shopping 8 cans of special brew

I don’t think the fucker interpratated my next stare correctly. It was a why are you complaining to me about some product from another shop, whilst you try to swindle the health care system that my tax money pays for when if you didn’t by 8 cans of antifreeze larger you could easily have the glasses fixed type stare.

Admittedly there's a lot to read from that look.

Also today if anyone wants to come kill the racist thug that stands out side my shop shouting racist names at people and threatening to kick them in it would be much appreciated.
And DO NOT PUT alkyl ethersulfate, ethoxylated alkyl phenol, tri-quaternary cocoabased phospholipid and silica gel with titanium dioxide. in your eye it results in a trip to A&E

Some people are weird


Standing in the bank I couldn’t help over some loud mouth chavy woman screaming at the staff.

“its fucking ridiculous that you have but a fucking block on my account just coz someone has take 40quid out…. id fucking understand if it was like 400 but its only 40 quid its fucking ridiculous this banks a fucking joke”

now if some one had take 40quid from my account I would want the back manage to personally stalk the mother fucker that took the money and when the find them go medieval with some pliers, a car battery and a bat with nails in.

but this woman took objection to the bank trying to stop people from stealing her money. Perhaps if I just asked her for 40 quid she’d give it to me?
The bitch didn’t look that rich to me. But then I don’t know the cost of velour track suits, claires accessories 8 inch hoop earrings, and enough bacardi breezers and dominos to get that fucking fat.

retard of the day....

sitting at my desk someone walks in

“Hello can I help you”
“I got this…..(hands me a piece of paper)”
“(I skim read it)…… umm ok that’s a piece of paper telling you to make an appointment for an operation………(he just looks at me)………at the hospital”
“can I speak to the doctor”
“we don’t have a doctor we are an opticians”
“yes…..”
“…… (I look oddly at his strange little bald head)…. So…..”
“I wanted to talk to the doctor so they’d tell me what to do……”
“(I take the piece of paper back….. I start at the very beginning ) is this you mr….”
“yes….”
“good. Now it say her you need to phone the hospital and make an appointment… look the number here”
“what option do I pick”
“what…”
“it says there pick option”
“well yes… but there is only 1 option”
“there different things”
“no they are the same thing. Ones the department at the hospitol, and written after that is the name of the hospital”
“they are different”
“no they are the same place”
“but 2 things”
“no its at firmly park hospital”
“2 options”
“look. There is only 1 place listed…. The department at firmly park. If you lived near 2 hospitals they probably would give you a choice of with hospital you wanted to go to or something. But you don’t”
“so witch one is the closest to me”
“theres only 1 hospital on the list.”
“but witch do I pick the department or the hospital”
“they are the same thing”
“witch hospital is the closest to where I live?”
“where do you live?”
“north camp”
“firmly park then”
“so… “
“(I quickly interrupt before he can ask me witch option again) NOW you need to phone firmly… look the phone numbers there…. (I point it out quite over dramatically) make your appointment for your operation”
“he scans the letter for a long time as I stand there with a very thin smile…he looks at me in way that tells me he doesn’t believe what I have told him). Umm….ok”

he walks out.

what a fucking dick! I think to myself wasting NHS money on retards there should be some mandatory IQ test before you are entitled to NHS treatment.

Then I think for another few seconds.

The letter was to book in for surgery. Meaning hes already been to the department on the peace of paper at firmly park hospital. A consultant must have already examined him and desided if he needs treatment. etc….
Yeah mandatory spacktrad testing before automatic entitlement to NHS treatment…..

Sorry to all my lady fans
I took the one of you that I chose (the one of you females that tolerates me…..and doesn’t spray stingy liquid in my eyes when ever I approach). To a swanky restaurant. Then after the duck course when I know she would be too full to run away. Produced a dozen red roses. Her favrote chocolates. And the ring she had had her heart set on. On one knee I popped the question…..

I run exhausted to the jewellers holding my receipt ready to collect my….(well it not my its hers) engagement ring. Io gets there at 5:20. and some snotty little gut behind the door saying they are closed and wont let me collect. Muther fucker. I stop home pissed of trying to thing how im going to adjust my plans….

Next morning after a bad night all coz twat boy would let me have the ring I march up there just after 9…… sign that was not on the door yeasterday…. Closed for staff training….

They are lucking I didn’t have exposer to gamma rays in a lab someware when i was younger



a few hours later

i collect the ring ... grumble to the woman about not being open etc.....

i take the ring home and think maybe is should go see the wife at work and check it fits......

then i notice..... the rings gem setting ic cracked!!!!!! and where they have resized it. the gold its 2 diffrent colours... its not evan close to matching.... they have ruind the ring she had her hart set on......

i cant even explane how angry i am......

My travels …… part 1 getting there

Heathrow terminal 5 is pretty good. From check in to duty free in roughly 10 mins. That what I like in my airports. And but some fortuitous coincidence. Where we checked in was unbelievably close to our gate. Not like the last time I flew and I had to hike 45min across Gatwick. Id been warned that the Canadian customs are funny about what they let you bring in. only 1ltr of your favrote poison. So that 2 cans of larger or 1 bottle Dr. Rutgarts mad dog insanity overproof sipping liquor / engine degreaser. So the choice was easy. Find myself a alcohol mule. Other people I was flying with where now carrying my Smirnoff blue label. 2 weeks away im gonna at least need to ltr of vodka.

9and a half hours, the fast and the furious, star trek, and some episodes of porridge later. I crunched down in Calgary

there waiting for me as some pensioners in golf buggies offering to drive me the 200 yards to the customs desk. Yeah that’s exactly what I need after 9 and a half hours sitting down. A bit more. (Perhaps I was tired and a bit grumpy…. Considering I had wanted to walk out on fast and furious knowing full well I was 35000 up)

“Canadian are the nicest people you could ever meet” was a phrase I had still ringing in my ears from everyone I had ever told I was going to Canada. So as chirpily as I could when I got to the customs desk. I said hello, how are you? to the woman. And she staird at me like id just done a shit on her inkpad. I handed her my passport and my imagation pass and some other bit of paper she wanted. But apparently I handed them to her in the wrong order. And she over drematily shuffled them trying to make as much russling noise as possible. I rolled my eyes up and noticed the big sign listing things you cant bring in to Canada. High up on the list was soil. I wish I had some on me. It would be flying in to that woman’s face. She handed me back my paper work. I too 2 steps and handed it to the bloke standing behind her. She was closer than me. He said "welcome to Canada enjoy your stay"

Please note I cannot be held responsible for any mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, karma, dharma, metaphysical, religious, philosophical, Logical , Ethical, Aesthetical, or financial damage caused by this post

additianl disclamer. any rough genralistions in the following are ment to be takens at hyperbole

List of odd differences I encountered between Alberta (south nr foothills) and Hampshire

1. you cant get real bacon its like the McDonalds round beacon.
2. a short walk to the shops an back is around 8 miles
3. speed limits are painfully slow
4. 3 in 5 trucks/ cars have a broken windscreen
5. there’s no MOT’s
6. road deaths are higher than a lot of other country’s
7. the driving test seems easy
8. the bigger the better they seem to thing that anything small is no good. This rule applies to almost everything
9. you cant get beer anyware except liquor stores and bars (its like the don’t want you to bloody drink)
10.YOU CAN’T SODDING GET BEER AT THE SUPERMARKET
11. there no family meal pub culture
12. Supermarkets sell guns and ammo
13. there’s lots of hair crimes
14. a lot of people are a little too interested in horses for my likeing
15. people couldn’t understand my strange accent
16. Everyone thought I must be a criminal because I was from Europe
17. the 10 cents coin is smaller than the 5 cents
18. at customs they really really don’t want to let you into the country
19.Most people are really friendly, slightly unnervingly so to begin with. At first I though this was a kind of American “have a nice day” bullshit. But its not
20. People do say EH?
21. everything there is described as awsome. (see linked eddie izzard gag) but pronounced arseoom

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0rYT0YvQ3hs

I recommend it. just stock up on duty-free and some good walking shoes

Harry potter and why the bloody hell are they not getting on and doing anything.

Now I haven’t read the books. Only watched the films.

Im going to say right here that goblet of fire is the best of the Harry potter films (so far 2 to go etc) I liked the way there was this wizard tournament and there was some hidden malevolent forces twisting the result ect. There was a good bit of mystery to it ete.

And the first films where like that to. Since then its all been the bloody same. Ohh yeah voldermort is about (someware…. Wooo isn’t that spooky) and that’s about it. there’s a evil teacher that was basically a bitch from garage hill making kids self-harm. I honestly don’t think that warranted a 2-hour film. Now since goblet of fire they have known that voldermot bin laden has been kicking about someware. And hes got some crazed bird that’s married to tim burton cackling like a pantomime villain doing his bidding. Theres a few others and they are basically indcated because of the music and make-up that accompanies them. Now lets take a guess and say there 20 or so of these death eaters. Now guessing here there must be 1000 people at hogwarts. And we know from goblet of fire theres another 2 schools. So roughly 3000 magic users. 2 parents per kid. 6000 some can not have magic parents so roughly 4000 magic users. There must be magic users without kids or with kids too young for the school system. So im reckoning form my poorly worked out guesses there must be 10000 adult magic users. 10000 vs 20 death eathers and voldermort bin laden.

So why the fuck do low rent gandalf and specky potter (who lets face it get his ass kicked ever step of the way) go off on ther bloody own to cave where they know there gonna be bad stuff. To drink some black goo and be attacked by golem clones from lord of the rings. And whilst im thinking of rip offs the luck potion it was dangerously close to coping red dwarf there…. But then desided to just make harry potter buzzing his titts of. And then jim brordbent just got pissed and told him anyway. Yeah that was lucky.

Now for the remaing 5 hours that I have to wait a year or so for (to be dragged to buy the wife) he’s going to be hunting for the remaing objects wopt de bloody doo. Not some appointed magic used task force. A schoolboy. And I really crap one at that.

In short.

All very well and good not knowing about evil force twisting things from behind closed doors. Now they know about evil why the hell are they sitting with their thumbs up there butts sending schoolboys off to get half drowned buy low rent golem clones

Hotter than hell sweatier than satans jock strap.

I have “commandeered” some fans from work that only have a moderate chance of bursting into flames. Thus defeating the object of them really. But short of putting myself in the fridge I really dint know what to do. My house was obviously designed by thermos. When its cold there’s ice in my house and its actually warmer outside. When it’s hot my house leaches all the heat from the world and stores it inside. Yah I live in a flask.

Well im arranging these fans to mainly point at my side of the sofa. And not the wife’s but make it look like they are mainly pointing at her. She come home and says the cat looks hot.

“The cat looks hot” (she I told you she said that)
“na babe hes fine…. Help me aim these fans at my cods”
she flicks me some disapproving look…. The one I get 90% of the day. “I think wee should bath him to cool him down”

at this point I have a flashback ‘nam stile to the horror before

the was no getting around it she was going to dunk the cat. And I had to be there to make the cat think it was my doing. So any reparations would be down to me.
5 mins later I was standing with a soggy cat and my blood on the wrong side of my skin