Ive been to block busters for the first time in months so it’s the return of 2 word film reviews

The Muppets: silly joy (manamana)

Chronicle: above average  

This means war: tolerable, forgettable

Man on a ledge: predictable, average

Not the best of lunch breaks. Had my hair cut buy a bloke so distracted that he asked me if I have been “away this year “ 3 times and if I was busy at work twice in the space of 4 minuets. Then a fight broke out across the road and he went off out side to watch. Then came back and for got what he was do my hair is defiantly longer possibly uncut on one side and all of the off cuts have gone down the back of my neck. Then on to Next to pick up some stuff for the wife, and hilarity ensued where the girl behind the till was unable to comprehend that my wife was a different person to me. Then the bank. Where I literally signed up to online banking and all the regertation and security checks whist standing in the queue. Id done all that and then left the queue before I was evan half way to being seen. Then arrived to get some food and found that they had closed early as they where quiet. So no food

In short, look like ive cut my own hair, itching like crazy, and hungry. evan mannaged to get hair in my eyes

Phone rings “Aldershot eye care” in a far to chirpy voice “hi im Steve from WTR I want to talk to you about and opportunity to advertise in tescos in aldersh—did you say eye care? as in opticians?” “ye-“ he slams the phone down.

Lucky he had the intelligence to work that out

“Are my lenses in yet” “umm no sorry be here tomorrow, ill call you as soon as they arrive” “you have my number but never call me” “really?… let me check. Look at his file. *check phone number* says here your phone numbers wrong” “you keep saying that” “well can you just tell me your number” “look your boss keeps checking it, your receptionist keeps checking it, and now you are you just never call” “well is your number XXXXXX” “yeah corse it is” “ right well there looks like there’s been ….” “just call me alright…”  next day  lenses arrive. I pick up the phone and dial his number “BERR BEE BEE this number you have dialled has not been recognised….” Slam down the phone whilst shouting TWAT. Im gonna have some fun when he come in angry that I haven’t called. Slowly and patronisingly phoning his number on speaker phone and showing him

The woman in boots if obously to used to dealing with to menny retards in this town. I need some more decongestants as I have something stuck in my catarrh. I had a look at the self and all the stuff on there is flu and hay fever based. So its all a decongestent and antihistamine, or decongestant and paracetamol and caffeine etc. so I go up to the counter and say “my doctor has told me to come here for some decongestants but they are not for a flu or hay fever just to clear my ear…..” she interrupts me and starts banging on about how your ears throat and nose are all connected, your sinuses too and evan your tears ducts are connected. So what started as me just trying to buy a decongested with no other crap in it. turned into a patronising anatomy lecture like I was 5, and she even repeated it all twice. As her second run threw is going on, im desperately trying to interrupt her by giving her the money. At then end of her second run threw she looked at me as if to expect a response from me like she had just passed on the secret of life the universe and everything. I simply replied with “yeah I know ta”

A woman comes in and grumpily throws a pair of glasses on the counter infront of me. “they are bent” “ohh ok lets have a look”( I can see they have been sat on or something) “you sold them to me like this” “umm I don’t think we did” is say sort of smiling trying to defuse the mood, I look up her order, they are over 6 years old “im sorry but but they are your glasses that must have been how you sold them” “ma’am they are 6 years old don’t you think you would have noticed that they're where this bent before now” she snorts at me. I go and sort them out. It at this point I notice my old notes about the woman. When I was doing the dispensing, she was refusing to have 2 lenses. Because “she doesn’t use the other eye” so she wanted a brand new pair of glasses with only one lens in. I managed to persuade her that 2 lenses in the glasses where necessary and she grudgingly agreed. Then she decided she wanted them tinted. But only wanted 1 lens tinted. So she would have one sunglass lens and one clear lens. To save money 

One thing that happens a lot and makes me cosh people.  for some reason or another a parent doesn’t bring the kid to collect the kids glasses. Now that’s not what makes me want to slap them. If the kid were there I would fit the glasses. Because the kids not. There not a lot i can do, so I kinda open the case show that there’s the glasses in it, close it and then hand it to them. This is the part that then annoys me. The open the case take the glasses out and try to try them on. Their kids glasses. They stretch them half onto their head in an attempt to look threw the lenses and then make an oooooooohhhh I can see with them noise. Then look at me like there something wrong with the glasses. (Well there is now they have been stretched wide over them dumb head, and course you can see better with them there not for you)

Bloke walks in, “can you tell me where GU11 is”. (for anyone that doesn’t know that’s pretty much all of Aldershot). “um your standing in it.” (I kinda chuckle, and smile but the bloke look serous) “someone told me this was gu12” “no your in gu11 at the moment , im not sure but it dose change to gu12 the other side of the train track someware” (I look in his hand and hes holding a piece of paper with gu11 written on it and a train ticket). “they told me they where at gu11” “well gu11 im guessing is probably 5 square miles” “they told me it was 30 mins walk from the train station” “well yeah.did they give you any more info than just the first part of a post code like a road or there name” “no, so do you know where it is?” “I know here gu11 is. But I have no idea where you wanna go. Im guessing it could be anyware in a 1 mile radius” “ohh” and he walks out

On 4^th may some bloke came in trying to “sell” credit cards services. And wanted to see our bank statements, I told him to do one. One think I left out was that he asked me who my terminal was with. And I told him the company and he told me that they didn’t exist. And a boring conversation ensued with him telling me that he’s never herd of them so the don’t exist. And me saying well the must do coz that’s who we have a contract with. I filed his business card in the bin (coz that was proof he was genuine and thus ok to look at the bank statements). Anyway the phone rings. “Hello im from what ever then name of the company is. I saw you owner 3 month ago and he said to call so he could sign up with us”.  “umm you came in 10 days ago” “no I spoke to the owner 3 months ago” “hang on,(I fish his card out of the waste paper bin under my desk …. Yeah I haven’t emptied it) is your name XXXXX XXXX?” shocked he says “yes that’s me… but I haven’t been there before” “apart from the 4^th when you where here telling me that the company I use don’t excist” “ well the don’t, ive never herd of them” “look im not going into all this again” “well I don’t know who they are but I can defiantly save you over £8000.” “if you think that the company don’t excist who can you possibly know what you can save us?” “umm well can I come in and see you bank statements” “no you bloody cant! Im hanging up now bye bye” “wait….” Ive slammed the phone down

Not a brilliant start to my working day. Someone had left a mug out. So I went to put it back into the cupboard. The shelf is at least at head height for a shorty like me. So on lifting the mug and flipping it over, it was some how in the perfect position to thow the water that had been left into it strait into the armpit of my shirt. I can tell you it’s not a good look

Just had some bloke come in and as for some glasses that have the lenses tinted only half was across the lenses. So clear on the left, black on the right. So that the black is covering the lights for on coming traffic. “umm wont that be a bit dangerous, like wareing blinkers. Stopping you from seeing anything to your right” “no cos you can turn your head, why dose no one seem to do them?” well my photo shop mock up….. This berk will probably be on dragons den soon

Bloke walks in and starts scanning the frames. “can I help you?” he ignores me so I walk up “CAN I help you?” “umm do you have and wrap around glasses” “sun glasses or ophthalmic?” “what?” “sun glasses or normal glasses” “ohh normal” “are the for a prescription?” “yes” “well can I see the prescription then” “ohh ok” “right this is just for some normal reading glasses, so a wrap around frame would not be the best choice” “how come?” “ well your prescription lens is to made up with 3 very accurately worked curves, their radius for curvature is to be worked to 100^th of a millimetre. To make the thinnest flattest best form lens possible, ensuring the best optical quality and performance. To do that with a wrap around pair, you are working with and already curved surface. So working those curves on is going to make a much thicker lens and a flatter lens is better. There are lenses on the market that are designed to reduce the distortions caused by the curves and thin the lenses but the cost is 2 to 3 times what a normal lens costs.” “what?” if you want a wrap pair then lenses will cost more and not work as well as normal pair” “ohh…(he stands there for a bit) can I have sunglasses?” “you can. Is that a different thing to these readers?” “no its just sunglasses are wrap” “right, you can have what ever you want, all im saying is that lenses into ANY wrap frame in that prescription will cos more and not be as good, so if you what to spend the money I’m willing to do it” “umm” “when you look threw a window there is very little distortion that is because the glass is flat, if you look threw a goldfish bowl there’s lots of distortion, because it is curved” “can I use my own sunglasses? I use them for riding my bike” “you can if you want, but that means you won’t be able to use them on your bike anymore” “why?” “ coz they will be made up to your reading prescription with no tint” “I don’t understand” “right forget your own sunglasses keep them as they are, in short. All you need a normal frame, with normal lenses. What you want will cost many times more” “this is complicated isn’t it” “not really, £70 pair perfect for your needs, £400 pair wont work as well” “I still don’t understand, this is complicated” “£70 pair ideal, what you want £400 and not as good” “im gonna have to go and try and work all this out”

Some bloke just walks in wearing a wax jacket. And says hes selling credit card services, and that they buy the shops contract off the bank ect. (seems to be similar thing to phone companies buying your contract with BT) “im sorry you’d have to speak to the owner about that and he not here” “can I see one of your statements from the bank?” “umm no, this is a matter for the owner” “here is my card so that proves im genuine, so can I see a bank statement?” “No you cannot, ill pass your card to the owner(‘s bin)”

How the hell does a business card prove you are “genuine” I think ill get 100 printed up saying 20 pound note inspector from the royal mint, and go round into shops asking to take away notes for “checking”. “Here’s a 1p business card I got printed at a motorway service station so that proves im genuine”

Some ozzy or kiwi bloke comes in, “g’day mate (see that’s what gave it away) you wanna go paintballing?” “I infact go quite a lot I have all my own gear” “you play at our sites? Delta force” “I have done, but I mainly play at holmbush as they do really good walk on rates” “yeah that’s one of our sites” “no its not” “you sure? Well wanna come back and play at out sites we have crashed planes” “well as I said the best deal about for walk-on players is holmbush or a super 6 weekend event” “what’s that?” “well super six host the tippman challenge” “what?” “you have herd of  tippmann?” “I’ve not been in this country long mate” “well tippman is probably the biggest world wide makers of paintball markers” “ohh” “and the host events in different countries big games 800 player at once” “ohh right” “well our sites are the best” “like I said I can get better value for walk on events . its £45 and I get 2000 shots” “well our sites are £6 and ill give you guys 1000 shots.” “that book your trying to sell has 10 tickets in” “yeah” ” so you buy it for £60 and take 10 people and ill give you 1000 shots” “so broken down that’s £6 for 100 shots, and how much is extra shots £6 for 100” “so if each of us use 1000 that’s £60 each?” “Yeah suppose” “so how is that a better deal than £45 for 2000” (he deflects) “our sites are based on modern warfare” “that great, but as I have pointed out its £15 more and half as much ammo” “delta force is the better deal” “not by my maths mate, good day” “our sites are better coz its only £6 for the day” “yeah but with bugger all ammo”

Doing the reminder letters at work, so I need to go buy 100 stamps. Queue up at the post office, each passing second sapping my will to live. Finally I get to the front of the queue. “Position 5 please” I march over. “100 second class stamps please” “umm… we are sold out” “the post office is sold out of stamps” “yeah…. Hang on I think there some at position 1” “ok” I look at her expecting her to walk the 3 meters and have a look. She just looks at me. “You going to get them?” “You have to queue up for till 1” “what?” “You need to re join the queue” “what? Can’t you just go get the stamps” “sorry you need to re-join” I then go and re join the queue get to the front after another soul destroying age. But there is some peasant try to change up what look to be 50 quid in coppers and they have not counted out the bags right. I can over hear “there’s only £4.80 in that bag and that one of 2p short. So im standing there and other tills are being called and Im having to let people go in front of me. Finally get to till one after then tosser has recounted their life’s savings and pissed off. “May I have 100 second class stamps please” “im sorry we have sold out” “SHE (I say abit too loud) says you have some” “ohh yeah I do. The are not in a book though.” “and why does that matter? They are stamps right” “yeah” “for posting letters” “yeah”  “then sell me 100”  

Enlarge your manhood! DELETE! Online viagra DELETE! I have 36 million us dollars I need your bank account DELETE! (something that’s written in unrecognisable symbols) DELETE! Herbal anti-depressants DELETE! SEE coldplay and steps DELETE! “I don’t not want to see those fuckwits” re: re: re: re: re: fwd: fwd: re: re: DELETE!

And that’s just whats got threw the spam filter……. I don’t know why I bother having an email account

1.Theres a you need to “come get this thing that wouldn’t go threw your letter box” card, luckily the post office is across the road. The card say the package is for “ F.A.O harry 44 station road” so I lock the shop skip over the road and hand the guy the card. “Where’s you id?” “well it only says harry on it, and that my work” “need id” he walks passed my shop every day to by fag next door. So I skip back over to my shop and then return with my drivers licence. “that was quick” “well yeah! 44 station road is ya know across the road. this do?” he study’s if for a full 3 mins. With the only bit of info on it that correlates with package is the name harry. He reluctantly goes and gets me the box of lenses that I don’t really want anyway. So what if I had sent someone else to get it? what if it didn’t have FAO harry on it and it was just addressed to the shop?

2. woman come in shes had a fall. “My eyes been pushed in and I cant feel it.” “Pardon?” she starts poking herself in each eye and saying that her right eye if pushed into her head and she CAN’T feel it” “umm have you been to the doctor” “YES CORSE IVE BEEN TO THE DOCTOR!!!!! he thinks im imaging it.” (he’s not the only one)

3. phone rings, “are my glasses ready?” “hang on ill check” I look at the order “they are expected anyday now, the bank Holladay has probably delayed them slightly” “its probably me that’s delayed them…. Its my fault” “pardon?” “well I haven’t dropped them off yet?” “you have ordered a complete pair” “yes, I have to drop them off” im looking on the online order tracker “they will be here Friday” “ill drop them off Friday” “umm no…. come and collect them on Friday” “I don’t know what you mean” “your glasses will be ready on Friday, so come in on Friday” (im looking forward to that)

Army bloke comes in. whats me to take the lenses from his gasmask and put them into a frame. I carefully explain that messing with a bit of army equipment that he may one day rely on to save his life is unwise. And that just buying a complete pair of glasses is by far the better thing to do. After trying on every frame in the shop. he then goes back to me cutting down his gas mask lenses. Explain everything again. He then starts haggling the price of the complete glasses, and like a chump I give in a bit on condition he pays in full. He then has run out of time for the car park. Hes been that long pissing about. Comes back a measure up. Write the order. “can I have a phone number to call you on when they are ready” “ok …..” “so because of the Easter break, lab being closed and disruption to post, I expect these will be back end of next week” “ohh” “what?” “I go to Afghanistan tomorrow morning” I let out a massive sigh. “yeah they aren’t gonna be ready for tomorrow” “ohh will it be done tonight if you put my gas mask lenses in…” “NO!” I look at his prescription he was tested in October hes had 6 months to sort this out

Some old woman has phoned up claiming that I have sent her a letter demanding she come to the shop and show ID. She angrily exclaimed she has her buss pass and her gas bill, but shes house bound so I will have to wait until her son arrives who’s coming especially from Windsor to pick her up and bring her to the shop. when I tried to explain that that she didn’t need to do that, she got more angry and clamed that the letter said if she doesn’t come down with her ID I would stop her having any NHS treatment, and she needs that because shes going to the hospital next week. I think I managed to convince her not to come. But watch this space

2 nutters

Woman comes in. “I should make an appointment” “ok ill just call up your details” “I don’t really want to book, you don’t have a lot of frames here” (I have 300 on the walls plus stock in draws and out back) “well I umm , have new stock coming in all the time. Also if you know what you want I can order it for you” (she books in after banging on about not having many glasses) “well I hope I don’t need any new glasses coz I don’t want any” (well what dose it fucking matter what I have in stock then?)

Foreign bloke comes in, doesn’t speak great English. “I have lost a goggle” tips out a spec case and a screw has come out of frame and the lens has dropped out. picking it up the sheer geekery and repetition of this kind of repair I know exactly what screw is needed. “I can sort that for you” im back in 30 seconds cleaning the glasses as I walk. “Here we are sir all back in one piece” and had them to him. “No repair?” “They are fixed” “can you no repair?” “its done” “no possible to repair?” “YES they are repaired” “no possible?” “YES you are holding the fixed glasses in your hands they are done!” “ohh…” “Look they are fixed” he puts them back in the case without looking says thank you and walks out.

Im not sure weather he actually knows ive fixed them