I’m probably the least intimidating person you know. If I were a top trump intimidation stat would be 2. So it is with extreme pleasure that the person who cocked up all the parking blocked my space for well over an hour turned out to be a 17 year old 6 stone Asian kid. Who shat himself when I started having a go at him. So much so he even stalled his car then got out again and asked me if he had to pay me a fine.

Bloke comes in. “are my glasses ready yet” “let me just have a look” “coz its been a week and you said a week” (his tone getting a bit hostile) “yes the have arrived” “well I wasn’t told” “well looks like they arrived Friday and we left message on the number you gave us” “well I didn’t get it” “ok, umm sorry about that. Well they are here now. If you’d like to take seat ill fit them” “well this message I didn’t get it” “we would have called you again. We call when they come in and if we don’t directly speak to you and you haven’t been in contact. We wait a few days and call you again.” “oh so I could have been waiting a few more days for them” (trying to defuse the hostility) “well they are here now, lets get them fitted” “ohh I cant get them now. I don’t get paid till next month. Ill be in Thursday or Friday when ive been paid”

Phone rings. “I cant read my prescription” “was it from a test we did” “yes” “ok found it what’s the problem” “I cant read it” “ok well the photo copy I have here is perfectly legible for anyone that needs to read it” “well I cant read it” “well you have the original and I have a photocopy and I can read the copy fine. Anyone that is making anything up will understand it so don’t worry. If they have any problem get them to call me” “well I cant read it” “ok why what’s the problem with your original?” “The first box its got a squiggle in it” “umm that’s infinity” “what” “its infinity, it’s the symbol for infinity” “what’s that?” “The symbol is for infinity its called a lemnsgate or lenmsate or something I cant remember but it looks like an 8 on its side right?” “Yeah but what is it?” “it’s the symbol for infinity, don’t worry anyone that it making up the prescription will understand” “what is it?” “it just means infinity” “BUT WHAT IS INFINATY” “pardon?” “What is infinity?” “what’s infinity?” “Yeah?” “Well in means goes on forever, no end sort of thing” “I don’t understand. What is infinity? ” “Well in this case you really don’t need to, just don’t worry about it. It all written out correctly you just need to hand it in to be made up” “but I don’t understand what’s in the box” “its just the symbol for infinity and it looks like an 8 on its side. Its written out in standard notation so the people making the lenses knows exactly what’s going on.” “Shall I write that word on it?” “What word” “infinity” “NO don’t right anything on it al all or it could get made up wrong. Just go and had it in” “well if you are sure its ok”

Creepy encounter with a woman at lunch. In the centre there is a space that has different stands 50% of the time it’s a charity. The other half its will wrighting or insurance etc. I try to amble passed it as fast as possible as to not have precious minuets of my lunch break wasted. Today im walking passed it and a woman blocks my way. Attempting to hand me a leaflet. She kind of odd looking. Fairly normal at first glance. smartly dressed and in her 20’s but her jacket looks about 20 years old and very worn, and her glasses look like a snail has been using them for a treadmill. I can’t see the front of the stand. “What’s it for?” “Do you have a few mins?” “not really I have to get back to work (look in cex for an mp3 player)” “shame” she snatches back the leaflet and looks sad. “What’s if for?” “Na ahh, what time do you finish work?” “umm 5” “ok well ill wait for you, come back at 5” “wha..” “Bye for now, see you at five, I’ll be waiting for you, you can find out then ”  and starts doing a little flappy hand wave at me.

Now. Im not saying anything or accusing anyone of anything but I just think it’s a tiny coincidence that when ever the funeral place hearse rolls passed in the morning the “luck heather” “women” have flowers instead of heather when I pass them at lunch

Think and fast. 3 numbskulls in as many minuets

“are my glasses ready” “ill just look, umm you ordered them Saturday afternoon.?” “yeah are they ready?” “well ,as you would been have told. Any orders placed on Saturday will get processed / started today.” “yeah and?” “So the glasses have only just been started today” “well that’s pretty rubbish” “ill call you when they are back likely to be the end of this week”

on his way out the next one walks in

“Need an eye test” “ok I can book you in…. Thursday” “ohh well I have got this voucher, it expired tomorrow. Can I be seen today?” “Sorry no test available until Thursday” “well that’s no bloody good the voucher will expire” holds out the voucher and over enthusiastically points at the date on it “well yes I can see that its due to expire tomorrow, but these vouchers get issued with a 6 month or more time limit on them” “yeah well ” “so you have had all that time, maybe you could talk to your company and ask for an extension..” he huffs and walks out

the phone starts to ring as he’s leaving

“need an eye test” “yes I can book you in for Thursday” “yeah that’s fine” (he picks a time, an lulls me into a false sense of security thinking he could be normal. His personality then turns into a spoiled 13 year old boy) “you can’t make me ware them” “pardon” “you can’t make me ware glasses. If you say I need them im not wearing them” “umm what?” “all im saying is im not wearing them and you can’t make me” “ok, umm do you want this eye test?” “yeah corse, DUH. im never wearing glasses though I don’t care what you say so don’t even bother ok.” “See you Thursday”

Woman walks in “I want to get some free glasses” “well nothings free, if you are entitled the nhs may contribute some money towards them” “they are free I have this card” “umm this is a card saying that you are on limited benefits, so doesn’t necessarily entitle you to anything. Also I notice it expired in March 2011” “so want are you saying?” this card has expired and thus does not entitle you to anything” “well this just isn’t on. They say they don’t send out new cards and this one would be fine to carry on using” “well I sagest you take it up with ‘them’” “so you are not going to give me any free glasses then” “nope”

Phone rings

“hello, id like to book in”

“yes not a problem, any preference”

“must be a Thursday”

“ok , how does the 23^rd suit?”

“is it a THURSDAY?”

“well…. Yes”

“Well if it’s a Thursday then I can do it”

“ok so Thursday the 23^rd of January …(we then pick a time)”

“so is that next Thursday?”

“yes, the 23^rd”

“Thursday?”

“yes , Thursday the 23^rd”

“ummm, ok yeah that’s fine if it’s a Thursday”

“it is. So that’s you booked in at (time) on THURSDAY the 23^rd of January that’s next Thursday ok?”

“ok bye”

2 mins later the phone rings

“I wanted a Thursday”

“yes I know…”

“well the 22^nd is a Wednesday”

“yeah but..”

“I expressly told you I wanted a Thursday and the 22^nd is not a Thursday”

“but…”

“I WANT A THURSDAY NOT A WEDNESDAY”

“(I mange to get a word in) I booked you in for Thursday the 23^rd”

“you said 22^nd”

“no I didn’t I said 23^rd. Thursday the 23^rd at (time)”

“no you said 22^nd”

“I didn’t “

“well what is it?”

“what is what?”

“when I booked in?”

“THURSDAY TWENTY THIRD OF JANUARY”

“then why did you say 22^nd when I asked you specifically for Thursday”

“(trying to end this) RIGHT! You are booked in for THURSDAY the 23^rd at (time) that is next Thursday, is that what you want?”

“DUH! YES!”

“well that’s what you booked”

“then why did…”

“Thursday it is then, see you” ( I hang up before I break the phone by slamming it down)

A man with no teeth and resembled the bloke who drank the wrong holy grail and was about half way threw the clay-mation dieing, was at my window. he made weird noises as to attract my attention. (I tried no to make eye contact if fear of him coming in and then I would have to go get some air freshener.) I gave in and looked at him coz the noises where getting louder  “fire engine” he said looking at me wild eyed with a gummy grinned. Then he walked off

Came home from taking the wife to work to find the cat chewing on one of her bras. I coughed as to attract his attention. he jumped and looked at me. he staired at me wide eyed and mouth open for a full 10 seconds. Then ran off

remember kids , cats have claws. sitting they minding my own business. BANG cat claw in the face. second trip to hospitol later.... lets hope the ladys like eye patches

Driving to work my car when “BEEP BEEP BEEP” the dash starts flashing after a few second I realise this over the top warning is to tell me its 3 degrees out side. I know its cold out . I walked from the gaff to the car. What possible use is warning? And why 3 degrees? So if I drive into a bit of sun and it rises to 4 and then into shade and it drops to 3 is it going to warn me like engine id about to leap out of the bonnet? The only use I have ever seen for car thermometers at that when people arrive to work they can say “ohh its cold this morning, my car said it was 3 degrees” so it’s a small talk generator for people in offices

Woman walks in. “my opticians is closed” “yeah? Vision express?” “Yeah” “yep they close down” “yes they are closed” “yeah I know” “what should I do” “ well what do you need” “I don’t know” “well are you due a sight test?” “Don’t think so” “are you having and problems” “no” “so………anything I can help you with?” “I don’t know what to do” “right well, nothing really to do if you don’t need a test and your glasses are fine, when you are due a test you can book in here if you like” “ I don’t know what to do because they are closed” “well when you need something you can come back here if you want” “there’s not a lot of opticians now, I though there would be a queue outside” “ queue outside, im not a nhs dentist in the early 2000’s” (she looks at me very confused) “I don’t know what to do” “well when you need an eye test come back and book in and we will sort it all” “what do I do about my opticians being closed?” “nothing” “ohh? Ok?” she leaves

Two nutters . First was not really annoying me other than making me queue for an unessery amount of time . in the bank a bloke had got to the front of the queue and was arguing with a rather confused cashier about his electricity bill. Despite the cashier saying this is a bank we have nothing to do with your electricity bill the guy carried on.

Then getting back to work a guy burst in asking me for “the lowest pillar box red lenses and no butterflies, ive had all that shit, theirs no way you convince be to have butterflies so don’t even bother, just lowest pillar box red, reading down lenses”

Today I have had 2 opportunities to indulge in an old favourite past time of mine. Winding up headhunters. They phone up all load and brash and saying they can get you what ever you want in a job. And basically I systematically go threw giving unexpected answers to there scripted questions until they have to admit that they are wasting there own time.” we have done a secret shop on you shop and you got and exemplary report mentioning you” “secret shop, that’s odd id like to see a copy of this report” “er….. ok” … “so lots of people want to reduce there commute we can offer you places closer to home, how long does it take you to get to work” “nearly a full 2 mins if im walking slow” “wha? Ohh….. How would you feel about working for (name of a chain of shops)?” “would piss me right off.” “ohh well ummm…. Err. Well what would you want to get you to leave there” (they are expecting me to say pay rise) “total professional freedom, no managers, no secret shops, no nonsense compromising my decisions in relation to sorting my patients problems. No set suppliers, ordering and doing what I think is best for the patient. Total professional freedom” “ohhh er….. Ok well can I give you my number” “na you are alright, just send me a copy of you insidious professional shop to look at.”

young Bloke walks in “my eyes hurt, so I bought some glasses but they still hurt” “right, was there here?” “no” “oh ok…. Cant really help much with no information, when was the test?” “the test?” “yeah your last eye test?” “ohh I haven’t had one in years?” “what? Who made the glasses then?” “dunno I just went in a shop and got some” “are they off the shelf ready readers” “dunno” ( I look at them they are) “well you just picked some random powered glasses off a shelf, you should have a eye test and if you needed so glasses if that was the reason for your eye hurting. then had the correct prescription made up. not be wearing something that potentially could be totally wrong and potentially make your vision worse and be illegal to drive” “are tests free?” “No” puts the ready readers back on and leaves.

Lady phones me up “can you tell me when my last eye test was” (I take her name and try to look her up) “I can seem to find you, what’s the spelling of you name?” (I double check the spelling, then check to see if we some how have the spelling wrong, or its been miss filed) “Im really sorry I cant seem to find you on the system, its really odd. When do you think you where tested here I may be able to look back in the old diary see if we have got you name wrong or something.” “Tested there?! Ohh ive never been tested there” “right! well I cant tell you then” “why not?” “because you have never been tested here.” “Well I thought you’d know” hangs up

the wifes gone........

http://youtu.be/dCUXjdlaJII

Bloke comes in with some glasses. “can I get these fixed they are really expensive cost me a lot of money, military issue , NASA use them…….( I look at them)….. See they are good, cost me a small fortune, NASA use them, tip top they are” fading off the side of the lens is a logo….RANBAYS…..and the metal the frame is made out of is so cheep its softer than a coke can

Its been a little while but I think this one counts…. Lady walks in and says “my eyes look tired” “do they?” “well I think they do… look at them!” (She stares at me strangely) “I really can’t tell, well if you like I can book you in for a full eye test. We can check everything over.” “Then what?” “well we'll try to find out the reason, and if necessary refer or write a report to the doctor if its anything that needs further attention” “are you saying its not my eyes and it something wrong with my head?” “umm…im not saying anything is wrong with anything, im offering you an eye appointment” (she then starts to chuckle, and then breaks into a full laugh and bends over double with her hand on the counter supporting her weight. I sit there doing nothing. She snaps out of it joker stile “WELL YOU CAN LAUGH (she shouts angrily” “I didn’t lau…” “WEEEEELLLLLL YOU CAN LAUGH, YOU’RE YOUNG, YOUR NOT WERAING GLASSES, I BET YOU DON’T EVEN NEED GLASSES” “well not for..” she goes to storm off but isn’t strong enough to open the door and spends the time it takes me to get up and walk round the desk she wriggles out of gap that taken all her might to open. “Bye” i say closing the door

I approach my gaff to find my next-door neighbour  (who is shall we say a large man… some would describe his physique as morbid) in the kind of stake of undress that makes me want to lobotomise myself.  “Hi, weathers weird isn’t it” “what? Is boiling, same as its been for the last 10 days” “its been raining the last half hour?” “Has it? ive been sat in the shop looking out and I haven’t seen it” “its raining now! Really weird as there’s not a cloud in the sky, ive never seen it rain with no clouds before” “raining now?” “Yeah I can feel it on my back” then I realise where he’s sitting under my toilet over flow pipe witch is dripping. “umm its not rain…. Your sitting under the overflow pipe… its dripping” “not it’s not its rain” “look” he looks up “ohh yeah, well its lovely!”