Phone rings and I pick up… there is a long pause and im just about to hang up expecting it to be the worst thing in all creation. The recorded PPI phone message. Sadly it’s the second worst thing. A squeaky American woman in a call centre. “hello this is BT is this….(she pauses for a long time then mumbles) leee mumble opticians” “pardon?” “this is BT is this (she mumbles again)” “pardon (I realise she’s trying to say Leightons but cant so she’s mumbling it on purpose)” “this is BT is that (mumble) opticians” “are you trying to say leightions?” “yes” “im calling about the BT” “this isn’t Leightons” “what?” “this isn’t Leightons” “am I calling…(reads out my phone number)” “yes” “well that’s leeetones(she’s already forgotten how to say Leightons” “no that’s me, this shop hasn’t been Leightons for 6 years” “well im calling about the broad band bill for leeton” “ right” she starts again “this is BT calling is this leeton optician?” “no its not anymore” “ well im calling about the broadband on (reads out a phone number)” “well that’s not here that’s another shop but I do work there so I can pass on the message” “well I need to speak to someone about it” “well like I mentioned its not here. that broadband is in a different town and not at a Leightons opticians if you want to give me an invoice number I can pass it on to the accounts people and look into if a check has gone missing in the post (or more likely you have allocated it to the wrong account like you do about 3 times a year)” “well if the bill is not settled in the next few days the account will be shut off and we will start court proceedings…” “im just going to interrupt you there. Now can you tell me the invoice details?” “No because you are not the account holder” “so….” “the service will be terminated..” “is there anything wrong with the account here?” “Here?” “yes here at the shop im actually at the shop you have actuly called” “umm… im calling about the BT broadband account” “yes I know what your calling about, you are calling about an account that is in a different town to the one im in. and you wont tell me any information. Im asking you if there is actually anything wrong with the account HERE!” “im calling from BT ..” (every time I say anything its like she resets to her script) the service will be terminated and proceedings will be brought..” “so your not going to give me any useful information to pass on the accounts department to get this sorted out and it not actually for the broadband account AT THIS PREMASIS, ITS IN A TOTALLY DIFFERENT TOWN” “ this is BT calling” “yeah I know im going now” “well umm han…” I hang up

You know the days not going to go well when it starts like this. Barely get the door of the shop open. When a woman angrily marches in .” I am really upset, my glasses have broken” “(using my customer service skills) ohh no” she rummages around in her bag whist saying “im disappointed” “im shocked” “this is unacceptable” she pulls out the glasses witch are snapped. But I look at them and notice, they are not exactly new…. Probably not even close to a guarantee period. I get out the record…. They where bought about 3 month under 10 years ago. “umm according to this you got them almost 10 years ago” “yes that’s about right” “10 years well that’s pretty….” “im extremely disappointed they haven’t lasted every well at all, this is extremely unacceptable” “well the guarantee on most glasses is a year or maybe 2 years and that covers manufacturing defects no wear and tare and these are almost 10 years old” “what are you saying?” “Well that they are well out of any guarantee and that I cant get a new frame as its not made anymore” “will this is disgraceful….”

New to my shop is a bookies. And there are always people outside smoking and making a mess. So they put up an on the wall ashtray thing (dunno if they have a proper name) but it seems that no one seems to know how to use it as the street is covered in dog ends. Anyhoo this morning theirs also about 6 scratch cards there and some other paper litter. I see the litter-picker-upper man waddling up the street wielding his bin bag and giant pair of tongs. “Ohh good” I think.  He gets to all the litter, nudges the scrachcarts around, picks up a single dog-end as if he was looking for nugget of gold amongst detritus and waddles off leaving (at quick glace) 20 odd dog ends and the scratch cards.

Phone rings “hello I want to make an appointment in your Aldershot shop” “ohh well you have phone Farnborough, you need to call them direct” “why?” “Because I don’t have their appointment book, you need to speak to them” “ok, so when do they have appointments free” “I don’t know im not in that shop, please call them and they will help you” “coz I want an appointment for Monday” “call them and they will sort it out”

2 mins later

Phone rings “hello I want to make an appointment in your Aldershot shop” “umm I just spoke to you, im in Farnborough you need to call them directly” “yeah I phoned them but there was no answer” “well there is only 1 person in that shop at the moment, he probably cant get to the phone, give it a few mins and call back” “so you cant make me an appointment for Monday because I need Monday” “call them”

2 mins later

Phone rings “hello I want to make an appointment in your Aldershot shop” “you have called Farnborough again!!!” “Yes I know there is now answer from Aldershot” “yeah I explained there is only 1 guy in the shop and if there is lots of people in he may not be able to get to the phone, so give it a 5 to 10 mins and call him back” “sigh”

I bealy walk to the office before the phone rings again

“hes not answering” “well hes probably busy like I said. Call him later” “ok”

5 mins later

“hes now answering I have tried him 3 times since we last spoke, this is ridiculous” “your telling me” “what?” “Nothing… well what ill do is take your name and number and I am working there tomorrow so I will call you from there and make the appointment” “but I want an appointment for Monday” “yes I know” “well I don’t want an appointment for tomorrow” “yes I know” “well I don’t understand” “understand what?” “why?” “why what?… look im working in that shop tomorrow, so I will take you name and number now. Then when I get to work tomorrow I will phone you and book you and appointment” “you have lost me” “lost you? I will call you tomorrow and book you an appointment” “but I don’t want an appointment tomorrow I want one Monday” “yes I know” “you want to make me an appointment tomorrow” “no I am going to call you tomorrow to arrange and appointment for Monday” “im not sure I understand” “ok well there’s two options here, 1 you can call back the other shop later on today and book an appointment for Monday or 2 I can phone you up tomorrow when I am in that shop and I can make you an appointment for Monday” “ill try calling again” “ok but leave it 15 mins or so because they must be bussy”

5 mins later

“There’s still now answer” “ok ill call you tomorrow and sort it” “I want an appointment for Monday” “yes I know lets stop wasting time and ill call you Monday what’s your name?" "Colonel XXXXX XXXXX”

And like every true great inventor he had a dream, drive and determination. And refused to take no for an answer

Scruffy bloke pushing a pushchair with a baby in whilst rolling a fag smashes into my shop doorway/ window. I look at him a bit shocked as the kid nearly gets upturned and covered in Golden Virginia. The bloke sees me looking. Looks at me like im being a prick, redirects the pushchair towards the road and carries on pushing and rolling

well i have got some pretty odd things in the post, but this is one of the oddest

I hear nothing but how wonderful apple are at customer care. My phone won’t back up and the mrs is buying an ipad. “yeah don’t drop the ipad coz they are really fragile and a new screen is £270 so its not worth repairing you might as well buy a mini when they break” top work there telling us how shit the product is just as we part with cash. “my phone wont back up” “well its over a year old so nothing we can do, you can make an appointment to see the people over there but all they will do is restore it to factory settings for you, so you should do that yourself and save the cost of seeing them” “but that will loose everything on the phone” “yeah” “but I don’t want to do that im trying to back up” “yeah?” “So your saying the best thing to do is loose all the stuff on my phone” “umm well yeah” “brilliant”  apple geniuses more like apple geantards

Phone rings “Aldershot eyecare” “hi can I have the number for your Farnborough shop” “yeah its…” “Wait I haven’t got a pen!(he snaps as if I was being dumb and could see that he didn’t have a pen)” “Ok” “ill go get one….. (2 mins later)….. nope I cant find one” “um well do you recon you can rem….” “Hang on there might be one up staires….(goes off again for a full 5 mins im just about to hang up) found one it doesn’t work very well but think I can use it” “right (I have to repeat the number menny times some times due to his stupidity and some due to the aforementioned reliability issues of the pen)” “bye”  30 seconds later the phone rings “Aldershot eyecare” “that the Farnborough shop” “no this is Aldershot” “well I just got given this number and told its Farnborough” “it was me that you where speaking to, remember you called me and didn’t have a pen ready” “you gave me this number” “no I didn’t. you called me and I gave you Farnborough’s number and you wrote it down” “that’s what I dialled” “you cant have…. I sagest you try calling it again”

A new pet hate has reached the status as to make the official list of things punishable my gun shot to the knee, when I come to power.

Its people that don’t put their items in the bag when they are using the self-service tills. Now I regard the tills as having an unofficial 1 basket only rule. If you have a trolley packed up to the sky you should be going to a proper till. But they don’t. They go to the self-service tills. The bags there are hung up in just such a way as you scan and item and then put it IN THE BAG IN THE BAGGING AREA! But no they don’t the just drop it on the area. Totally ignoring the bags there. Then at the end they think well im not paying till I have bagged all this value horse gristle slop up. Then as soon as they pick anything up “ITEM REMOVED FROM BAGGING AREA!” and totally cock up the system. Take about 10 mins for staff to turn up and sort it. Then they spend ages picking everything up and putting it bags that the could have done as they fucking scanned it. then they moan at the staff about the self service tills. KNEE-CAPPINGS when I get to power

“Im not happy with my glasses” “ohh dear, what’s the problem” “look” (rummages around in his pockets he doesn’t have them with him) “umm not a lot I can check if you haven’t got them… let me just look at your order…… umm its from 2010” “my sight is better without the glasses than with” “umm well you eyes may have changed since then” “I think the test was wrong” “well it was 3 years ago, and it was no change from the test that was before that and that was 3 years before that” “my eyes not right the test was wrong” “also looking closer here we have never made you any glasses this order is for a replacement part for your glasses” “im not happy the test wasn’t right” “well it was 3 years ago, you don’t have the glasses with you, we didn’t make them, they where made before that test by someone else not to our prescription. Infact all we have done is tested you twice in the last 6 years and fitted a new side to you glasses that are older than that, infact if it is even the same pair” “well im not happy with the test or my eye” “your eye?” “Yeah it doesn’t sound right” “your eye doesn’t sound right?” “yeah” “I think you should maybe go to the doctor” “im still not happy” he leaves

This is my guess is to how it went down.

“So what’s the new strategy for coke?” “well sir we have packed up the polar bears for another year and its almost spring, so people at the beach” “you fool half the uk is underwater and the other half its snowing * slap *” “sexy lady” “no is sexist” “um drinks with benefits are in” “what?” “well drinks with extras, you know energy, added vitamins, improves concentration. Like sports drinks” “yeah they love that bull shit” “brain and nerve tonic thing again?” “no that’s to 1887… need something new” “so should we add vitamins to coke” “fuck no, you retard, you know what happens when we say we have changed the recipe” “so how can we say some over sugary carbonated water is a benefit” “hang on, those tubby fucks that drink this piss are moaning it makes them fat. So that means they are not working off the calories. So get this right, make out that drinking it gives them the extra callers to do stuff. That way if they get fat we can say its clearly marked and advertised to give you calories to do stuff and if you don’t work them off it your fault” “sir that’s is the most evil thing I have ever herd” “drink with benefits there own fault that the get fat….. We’ll tackle the dental matter in a few months after we have sponsored the pope”

As I walked into the newsagent to collect my provisions the old bint was loudly swearing and moaning. I ignored this until I got to the till with my purchases. I discovered that she was wrestling with a pair of scissors (her special scissors) that someone else who works there had glued closed for a prank. I tip my hit

Think my brain is going to explode, massive out of body experience. Put my shop postcode into google street view and im sat at my desk wearing the same shirt as I have on today looking at the computer like I am now.

Woman storms in looking grumpy and ignores me saying “hello” “I need some new things” “pardon?” “some new things right” she says screwing her face up and acting like im being a dick, and throws some old mans glasses on the counter. “ohh a new set of nose pads” “yeah” she says sarcastically “well I don’t have these exact ones but I have some silicone ones” “well as long as they are soft ones” “well the ones that are on there are actually the hard type.” I show her the soft ones so she can compare. “are they the same size?”(she actuly holding them both in her hand) “more or less, the closest ive got” “they better be or else ill be bringing them back and throwing them at you” “right well you have seen then, if you want them they are £3” “WHAT!!!!!! I have to pay!!!!!” “well yes.” (what? you where threatening to throw them at me complaining if they where free?)

Ok you really have to admire some peoples optimism some times. There is a bloke sitting in a van outside and every few mins he tries’s to start it up. upon turning the key there is the unmistakable sound of bits of metal that really shouldn’t be hitting each other grinding and smashing. And im hearing this from across the road in a thick glass windowed shop. That van is very poorly. He’s tried 5 times in the last 15 mins each time its sounded like hes doing more damage. But that doesn’t stop him from waiting and trying again hoping that the next time he turns the key it will be magically fixed

Dunno if the guy I was dealing with was some kinda wannbe physicist trying to test me (or just test my patents for that matter)

“So lenses wise we can do a number of different materials, 1.5, 1.6, 1.67, 1.74 at the moment your old glasses are…” “1.6 what?” “sorry that’s the refractive index. the higher the number the slower light travels threw the lens, thus the lens can be made thinner” “higher the number is slower that doesn’t make sense” “well is the speed of light in a vacuum divided by the speed of light in the lens it's sort of an simpler way of representing it coz other wise your dealing with some pretty big numbers” “do you know the speed of light?” (He’s testing me) “Well for optical calculations its normally 3x10^8 m/s (he looks at me like he’s going to correct me) well that’s a slight approximation” “yes it is…. What is it really?” “well it 299,7 something. its just a little bit under 300million meters per second” (he looks at me pleased coz ive jumped threw his hoop) “671 million Mph” (he says smugly) “well that’s an approximation too  (he looks annoyed) So anyway, it’s the speed of light in a vacuum divided by the speed of light in the medium gives you the refractive index, water is about 1.33 diamond is 2.42 but as far as we are concerned here is relates to how thin we can make lenses” “HANG ON! What do you mean speed of light in a medium? The speed of light is constant” “the speed of light in a vacuum is “a” constant yes, E = mc² c is the speed of light” “so the speed of light is constant ITS ALWAYS THE SAME” “no its constant in a vacuum but denser mediums slow it down” “the speed of light is always the same! Its constant” “it can be slowed down” “no it cant” “umm yes it can” “NO it cant” “well it seems we have reached an impasse”

Guy comes running up the road, nearly knocks over an old man as he bursts threw my door. “ohh good I need your help” “ok” he starts rooting around in his pocket. And im expecting him to pull out a pair of glasses with a lens that’s dropped out or something. “Windsor way?” “Pardon?” “Windsor way” “what?” he manages to pull the thing from his pocket it’s a bit or paper “halfords Windsor way” he says out of breath and agitated at me for not knowing what the bloody hell hes talking about……

Its gonna be one of those mondays

driveing to work thers a bang of somthing hitting plastic, makes me jump but its not a wheel falling off or anything. looking around i find a liquorice twizzler has somehow made impact with the dash and windscreen from the inside. all windows closed..... what sweet based torment is this? where the hell did that come from?

Goodbye noble steed, you served me well these passed 9 years.