A man with no teeth and resembled the bloke who drank the wrong holy grail and was about half way threw the clay-mation dieing, was at my window. he made weird noises as to attract my attention. (I tried no to make eye contact if fear of him coming in and then I would have to go get some air freshener.) I gave in and looked at him coz the noises where getting louder  “fire engine” he said looking at me wild eyed with a gummy grinned. Then he walked off

Came home from taking the wife to work to find the cat chewing on one of her bras. I coughed as to attract his attention. he jumped and looked at me. he staired at me wide eyed and mouth open for a full 10 seconds. Then ran off

remember kids , cats have claws. sitting they minding my own business. BANG cat claw in the face. second trip to hospitol later.... lets hope the ladys like eye patches

Driving to work my car when “BEEP BEEP BEEP” the dash starts flashing after a few second I realise this over the top warning is to tell me its 3 degrees out side. I know its cold out . I walked from the gaff to the car. What possible use is warning? And why 3 degrees? So if I drive into a bit of sun and it rises to 4 and then into shade and it drops to 3 is it going to warn me like engine id about to leap out of the bonnet? The only use I have ever seen for car thermometers at that when people arrive to work they can say “ohh its cold this morning, my car said it was 3 degrees” so it’s a small talk generator for people in offices

Woman walks in. “my opticians is closed” “yeah? Vision express?” “Yeah” “yep they close down” “yes they are closed” “yeah I know” “what should I do” “ well what do you need” “I don’t know” “well are you due a sight test?” “Don’t think so” “are you having and problems” “no” “so………anything I can help you with?” “I don’t know what to do” “right well, nothing really to do if you don’t need a test and your glasses are fine, when you are due a test you can book in here if you like” “ I don’t know what to do because they are closed” “well when you need something you can come back here if you want” “there’s not a lot of opticians now, I though there would be a queue outside” “ queue outside, im not a nhs dentist in the early 2000’s” (she looks at me very confused) “I don’t know what to do” “well when you need an eye test come back and book in and we will sort it all” “what do I do about my opticians being closed?” “nothing” “ohh? Ok?” she leaves

Two nutters . First was not really annoying me other than making me queue for an unessery amount of time . in the bank a bloke had got to the front of the queue and was arguing with a rather confused cashier about his electricity bill. Despite the cashier saying this is a bank we have nothing to do with your electricity bill the guy carried on.

Then getting back to work a guy burst in asking me for “the lowest pillar box red lenses and no butterflies, ive had all that shit, theirs no way you convince be to have butterflies so don’t even bother, just lowest pillar box red, reading down lenses”

Today I have had 2 opportunities to indulge in an old favourite past time of mine. Winding up headhunters. They phone up all load and brash and saying they can get you what ever you want in a job. And basically I systematically go threw giving unexpected answers to there scripted questions until they have to admit that they are wasting there own time.” we have done a secret shop on you shop and you got and exemplary report mentioning you” “secret shop, that’s odd id like to see a copy of this report” “er….. ok” … “so lots of people want to reduce there commute we can offer you places closer to home, how long does it take you to get to work” “nearly a full 2 mins if im walking slow” “wha? Ohh….. How would you feel about working for (name of a chain of shops)?” “would piss me right off.” “ohh well ummm…. Err. Well what would you want to get you to leave there” (they are expecting me to say pay rise) “total professional freedom, no managers, no secret shops, no nonsense compromising my decisions in relation to sorting my patients problems. No set suppliers, ordering and doing what I think is best for the patient. Total professional freedom” “ohhh er….. Ok well can I give you my number” “na you are alright, just send me a copy of you insidious professional shop to look at.”

young Bloke walks in “my eyes hurt, so I bought some glasses but they still hurt” “right, was there here?” “no” “oh ok…. Cant really help much with no information, when was the test?” “the test?” “yeah your last eye test?” “ohh I haven’t had one in years?” “what? Who made the glasses then?” “dunno I just went in a shop and got some” “are they off the shelf ready readers” “dunno” ( I look at them they are) “well you just picked some random powered glasses off a shelf, you should have a eye test and if you needed so glasses if that was the reason for your eye hurting. then had the correct prescription made up. not be wearing something that potentially could be totally wrong and potentially make your vision worse and be illegal to drive” “are tests free?” “No” puts the ready readers back on and leaves.

Lady phones me up “can you tell me when my last eye test was” (I take her name and try to look her up) “I can seem to find you, what’s the spelling of you name?” (I double check the spelling, then check to see if we some how have the spelling wrong, or its been miss filed) “Im really sorry I cant seem to find you on the system, its really odd. When do you think you where tested here I may be able to look back in the old diary see if we have got you name wrong or something.” “Tested there?! Ohh ive never been tested there” “right! well I cant tell you then” “why not?” “because you have never been tested here.” “Well I thought you’d know” hangs up

the wifes gone........

http://youtu.be/dCUXjdlaJII

Bloke comes in with some glasses. “can I get these fixed they are really expensive cost me a lot of money, military issue , NASA use them…….( I look at them)….. See they are good, cost me a small fortune, NASA use them, tip top they are” fading off the side of the lens is a logo….RANBAYS…..and the metal the frame is made out of is so cheep its softer than a coke can

Its been a little while but I think this one counts…. Lady walks in and says “my eyes look tired” “do they?” “well I think they do… look at them!” (She stares at me strangely) “I really can’t tell, well if you like I can book you in for a full eye test. We can check everything over.” “Then what?” “well we'll try to find out the reason, and if necessary refer or write a report to the doctor if its anything that needs further attention” “are you saying its not my eyes and it something wrong with my head?” “umm…im not saying anything is wrong with anything, im offering you an eye appointment” (she then starts to chuckle, and then breaks into a full laugh and bends over double with her hand on the counter supporting her weight. I sit there doing nothing. She snaps out of it joker stile “WELL YOU CAN LAUGH (she shouts angrily” “I didn’t lau…” “WEEEEELLLLLL YOU CAN LAUGH, YOU’RE YOUNG, YOUR NOT WERAING GLASSES, I BET YOU DON’T EVEN NEED GLASSES” “well not for..” she goes to storm off but isn’t strong enough to open the door and spends the time it takes me to get up and walk round the desk she wriggles out of gap that taken all her might to open. “Bye” i say closing the door

I approach my gaff to find my next-door neighbour  (who is shall we say a large man… some would describe his physique as morbid) in the kind of stake of undress that makes me want to lobotomise myself.  “Hi, weathers weird isn’t it” “what? Is boiling, same as its been for the last 10 days” “its been raining the last half hour?” “Has it? ive been sat in the shop looking out and I haven’t seen it” “its raining now! Really weird as there’s not a cloud in the sky, ive never seen it rain with no clouds before” “raining now?” “Yeah I can feel it on my back” then I realise where he’s sitting under my toilet over flow pipe witch is dripping. “umm its not rain…. Your sitting under the overflow pipe… its dripping” “not it’s not its rain” “look” he looks up “ohh yeah, well its lovely!”

Phone rings, I answer it. The person is either standing in some kind of gale or driving with the windows down. “CAN YOU HEAR ME? IM DRIVING!” “Just about” “IM PHONEING ABOUT……….. APOINTMENT” “what’s that you want to make an appointment?” “NO” “what?” “I CANT MAKE AN APPOINTMENT” “you need cancel and appointment?” “WHAT? NO! I CANT MAKE AN APOINTMENT” “you cant make it to your appointment and need to cancel it?” “NO I HAVENT GOT ONE AND I CAN’T MAKE ONE” “ok?” “IM JUST PHONEING TO LET YOU KNOW THAT!” “You are phoning me whilst driving to tell me that you can not make an appointment?”  “YES” “ok… umm anything else?” “I CANT MAKE ONE FOR MY SON EITHER!” “Right” “OK THANKS. SEE YOU SOON BYE.”  Hangs up

After weeks of pissing about with BT. Having an account that’s not in my name so they wont talk to me of fix anything. Even though we pay the bill and the lines are in our shop. Finally they get the fact it’s their error. And say because of some stupid reason they cant just change the name the have to close the account. Refund me the balance, then open me a new account. “Fine yeah what ever” a cheque arrives for me this morning ……… in the wrong name

.

someone up to their old tricks?

Phone rings and I pick up… there is a long pause and im just about to hang up expecting it to be the worst thing in all creation. The recorded PPI phone message. Sadly it’s the second worst thing. A squeaky American woman in a call centre. “hello this is BT is this….(she pauses for a long time then mumbles) leee mumble opticians” “pardon?” “this is BT is this (she mumbles again)” “pardon (I realise she’s trying to say Leightons but cant so she’s mumbling it on purpose)” “this is BT is that (mumble) opticians” “are you trying to say leightions?” “yes” “im calling about the BT” “this isn’t Leightons” “what?” “this isn’t Leightons” “am I calling…(reads out my phone number)” “yes” “well that’s leeetones(she’s already forgotten how to say Leightons” “no that’s me, this shop hasn’t been Leightons for 6 years” “well im calling about the broad band bill for leeton” “ right” she starts again “this is BT calling is this leeton optician?” “no its not anymore” “ well im calling about the broadband on (reads out a phone number)” “well that’s not here that’s another shop but I do work there so I can pass on the message” “well I need to speak to someone about it” “well like I mentioned its not here. that broadband is in a different town and not at a Leightons opticians if you want to give me an invoice number I can pass it on to the accounts people and look into if a check has gone missing in the post (or more likely you have allocated it to the wrong account like you do about 3 times a year)” “well if the bill is not settled in the next few days the account will be shut off and we will start court proceedings…” “im just going to interrupt you there. Now can you tell me the invoice details?” “No because you are not the account holder” “so….” “the service will be terminated..” “is there anything wrong with the account here?” “Here?” “yes here at the shop im actually at the shop you have actuly called” “umm… im calling about the BT broadband account” “yes I know what your calling about, you are calling about an account that is in a different town to the one im in. and you wont tell me any information. Im asking you if there is actually anything wrong with the account HERE!” “im calling from BT ..” (every time I say anything its like she resets to her script) the service will be terminated and proceedings will be brought..” “so your not going to give me any useful information to pass on the accounts department to get this sorted out and it not actually for the broadband account AT THIS PREMASIS, ITS IN A TOTALLY DIFFERENT TOWN” “ this is BT calling” “yeah I know im going now” “well umm han…” I hang up

You know the days not going to go well when it starts like this. Barely get the door of the shop open. When a woman angrily marches in .” I am really upset, my glasses have broken” “(using my customer service skills) ohh no” she rummages around in her bag whist saying “im disappointed” “im shocked” “this is unacceptable” she pulls out the glasses witch are snapped. But I look at them and notice, they are not exactly new…. Probably not even close to a guarantee period. I get out the record…. They where bought about 3 month under 10 years ago. “umm according to this you got them almost 10 years ago” “yes that’s about right” “10 years well that’s pretty….” “im extremely disappointed they haven’t lasted every well at all, this is extremely unacceptable” “well the guarantee on most glasses is a year or maybe 2 years and that covers manufacturing defects no wear and tare and these are almost 10 years old” “what are you saying?” “Well that they are well out of any guarantee and that I cant get a new frame as its not made anymore” “will this is disgraceful….”

New to my shop is a bookies. And there are always people outside smoking and making a mess. So they put up an on the wall ashtray thing (dunno if they have a proper name) but it seems that no one seems to know how to use it as the street is covered in dog ends. Anyhoo this morning theirs also about 6 scratch cards there and some other paper litter. I see the litter-picker-upper man waddling up the street wielding his bin bag and giant pair of tongs. “Ohh good” I think.  He gets to all the litter, nudges the scrachcarts around, picks up a single dog-end as if he was looking for nugget of gold amongst detritus and waddles off leaving (at quick glace) 20 odd dog ends and the scratch cards.

Phone rings “hello I want to make an appointment in your Aldershot shop” “ohh well you have phone Farnborough, you need to call them direct” “why?” “Because I don’t have their appointment book, you need to speak to them” “ok, so when do they have appointments free” “I don’t know im not in that shop, please call them and they will help you” “coz I want an appointment for Monday” “call them and they will sort it out”

2 mins later

Phone rings “hello I want to make an appointment in your Aldershot shop” “umm I just spoke to you, im in Farnborough you need to call them directly” “yeah I phoned them but there was no answer” “well there is only 1 person in that shop at the moment, he probably cant get to the phone, give it a few mins and call back” “so you cant make me an appointment for Monday because I need Monday” “call them”

2 mins later

Phone rings “hello I want to make an appointment in your Aldershot shop” “you have called Farnborough again!!!” “Yes I know there is now answer from Aldershot” “yeah I explained there is only 1 guy in the shop and if there is lots of people in he may not be able to get to the phone, so give it a 5 to 10 mins and call him back” “sigh”

I bealy walk to the office before the phone rings again

“hes not answering” “well hes probably busy like I said. Call him later” “ok”

5 mins later

“hes now answering I have tried him 3 times since we last spoke, this is ridiculous” “your telling me” “what?” “Nothing… well what ill do is take your name and number and I am working there tomorrow so I will call you from there and make the appointment” “but I want an appointment for Monday” “yes I know” “well I don’t want an appointment for tomorrow” “yes I know” “well I don’t understand” “understand what?” “why?” “why what?… look im working in that shop tomorrow, so I will take you name and number now. Then when I get to work tomorrow I will phone you and book you and appointment” “you have lost me” “lost you? I will call you tomorrow and book you an appointment” “but I don’t want an appointment tomorrow I want one Monday” “yes I know” “you want to make me an appointment tomorrow” “no I am going to call you tomorrow to arrange and appointment for Monday” “im not sure I understand” “ok well there’s two options here, 1 you can call back the other shop later on today and book an appointment for Monday or 2 I can phone you up tomorrow when I am in that shop and I can make you an appointment for Monday” “ill try calling again” “ok but leave it 15 mins or so because they must be bussy”

5 mins later

“There’s still now answer” “ok ill call you tomorrow and sort it” “I want an appointment for Monday” “yes I know lets stop wasting time and ill call you Monday what’s your name?" "Colonel XXXXX XXXXX”