Doing the reminder letters at work, so I need to go buy 100 stamps. Queue up at the post office, each passing second sapping my will to live. Finally I get to the front of the queue. “Position 5 please” I march over. “100 second class stamps please” “umm… we are sold out” “the post office is sold out of stamps” “yeah…. Hang on I think there some at position 1” “ok” I look at her expecting her to walk the 3 meters and have a look. She just looks at me. “You going to get them?” “You have to queue up for till 1” “what?” “You need to re join the queue” “what? Can’t you just go get the stamps” “sorry you need to re-join” I then go and re join the queue get to the front after another soul destroying age. But there is some peasant try to change up what look to be 50 quid in coppers and they have not counted out the bags right. I can over hear “there’s only £4.80 in that bag and that one of 2p short. So im standing there and other tills are being called and Im having to let people go in front of me. Finally get to till one after then tosser has recounted their life’s savings and pissed off. “May I have 100 second class stamps please” “im sorry we have sold out” “SHE (I say abit too loud) says you have some” “ohh yeah I do. The are not in a book though.” “and why does that matter? They are stamps right” “yeah” “for posting letters” “yeah”  “then sell me 100”  

Enlarge your manhood! DELETE! Online viagra DELETE! I have 36 million us dollars I need your bank account DELETE! (something that’s written in unrecognisable symbols) DELETE! Herbal anti-depressants DELETE! SEE coldplay and steps DELETE! “I don’t not want to see those fuckwits” re: re: re: re: re: fwd: fwd: re: re: DELETE!

And that’s just whats got threw the spam filter……. I don’t know why I bother having an email account

1.Theres a you need to “come get this thing that wouldn’t go threw your letter box” card, luckily the post office is across the road. The card say the package is for “ F.A.O harry 44 station road” so I lock the shop skip over the road and hand the guy the card. “Where’s you id?” “well it only says harry on it, and that my work” “need id” he walks passed my shop every day to by fag next door. So I skip back over to my shop and then return with my drivers licence. “that was quick” “well yeah! 44 station road is ya know across the road. this do?” he study’s if for a full 3 mins. With the only bit of info on it that correlates with package is the name harry. He reluctantly goes and gets me the box of lenses that I don’t really want anyway. So what if I had sent someone else to get it? what if it didn’t have FAO harry on it and it was just addressed to the shop?

2. woman come in shes had a fall. “My eyes been pushed in and I cant feel it.” “Pardon?” she starts poking herself in each eye and saying that her right eye if pushed into her head and she CAN’T feel it” “umm have you been to the doctor” “YES CORSE IVE BEEN TO THE DOCTOR!!!!! he thinks im imaging it.” (he’s not the only one)

3. phone rings, “are my glasses ready?” “hang on ill check” I look at the order “they are expected anyday now, the bank Holladay has probably delayed them slightly” “its probably me that’s delayed them…. Its my fault” “pardon?” “well I haven’t dropped them off yet?” “you have ordered a complete pair” “yes, I have to drop them off” im looking on the online order tracker “they will be here Friday” “ill drop them off Friday” “umm no…. come and collect them on Friday” “I don’t know what you mean” “your glasses will be ready on Friday, so come in on Friday” (im looking forward to that)

Army bloke comes in. whats me to take the lenses from his gasmask and put them into a frame. I carefully explain that messing with a bit of army equipment that he may one day rely on to save his life is unwise. And that just buying a complete pair of glasses is by far the better thing to do. After trying on every frame in the shop. he then goes back to me cutting down his gas mask lenses. Explain everything again. He then starts haggling the price of the complete glasses, and like a chump I give in a bit on condition he pays in full. He then has run out of time for the car park. Hes been that long pissing about. Comes back a measure up. Write the order. “can I have a phone number to call you on when they are ready” “ok …..” “so because of the Easter break, lab being closed and disruption to post, I expect these will be back end of next week” “ohh” “what?” “I go to Afghanistan tomorrow morning” I let out a massive sigh. “yeah they aren’t gonna be ready for tomorrow” “ohh will it be done tonight if you put my gas mask lenses in…” “NO!” I look at his prescription he was tested in October hes had 6 months to sort this out

Some old woman has phoned up claiming that I have sent her a letter demanding she come to the shop and show ID. She angrily exclaimed she has her buss pass and her gas bill, but shes house bound so I will have to wait until her son arrives who’s coming especially from Windsor to pick her up and bring her to the shop. when I tried to explain that that she didn’t need to do that, she got more angry and clamed that the letter said if she doesn’t come down with her ID I would stop her having any NHS treatment, and she needs that because shes going to the hospital next week. I think I managed to convince her not to come. But watch this space

2 nutters

Woman comes in. “I should make an appointment” “ok ill just call up your details” “I don’t really want to book, you don’t have a lot of frames here” (I have 300 on the walls plus stock in draws and out back) “well I umm , have new stock coming in all the time. Also if you know what you want I can order it for you” (she books in after banging on about not having many glasses) “well I hope I don’t need any new glasses coz I don’t want any” (well what dose it fucking matter what I have in stock then?)

Foreign bloke comes in, doesn’t speak great English. “I have lost a goggle” tips out a spec case and a screw has come out of frame and the lens has dropped out. picking it up the sheer geekery and repetition of this kind of repair I know exactly what screw is needed. “I can sort that for you” im back in 30 seconds cleaning the glasses as I walk. “Here we are sir all back in one piece” and had them to him. “No repair?” “They are fixed” “can you no repair?” “its done” “no possible to repair?” “YES they are repaired” “no possible?” “YES you are holding the fixed glasses in your hands they are done!” “ohh…” “Look they are fixed” he puts them back in the case without looking says thank you and walks out.

Im not sure weather he actually knows ive fixed them

I go to the doctors, you get give a number im number 12 and 11 is being seen. Some bloke arrives and gets number 16. As the numbers inbetween mine and his are old people that have all turned up unnecessarily early. The man looks at his number annoyed. Then after 5 mins gets up and shouts loudly at the receptionist “I have lung pain, ive had it 3 days im going to collapse”. A nurse comes out and he says loudly I have lung pain call and ambulance I cant wait ive had it for 2 weeks” can even keep his story strait for 20 seconds. They take him off out back skipping the queue. 15 mins later the receptionist apologises that it must be an emergency and an ambulance may arrive so don’t be alarmed. Another 20 mins later the bloke comes skipping out with a prescription in his hand. No sign of the grim reaper of ambulance crew. Then I get called. “what’s the problem” “I think I have tonsillitis” he pulls a face like how dare you self diagnose “why do you think that?” “ive had a high fever all night, very bad head ache, nausea, dizziness, ache, my glands are up, and my tonsils are a bit of a horror show” “well we”ll see about that” spends 1 nanosecond looking in my mouth. “No its not tonsillitis, you have a sore throat. Not going to give you anything, just take paracetomol” “I am” “carry on then, anything else?” “No” “bye bye”

bloke come in and grumpily exclaims, "these glasses don’t fit me." "what glasses?" "hang on a min" "he rummages around in his bad and pockets and eventually finds his glasses. he puts them on. and when i say puts them on its in the loosest sence. is seen baby with no motor skills put on glasses better. The front of the glasses at almost a 45 degree angle. The right side id a fill 2 inches above his ear and the other side is down the bed that goes over his ear is touching his ear lobe. I try not to smile because for some reason he is clearly angry. He hands me the glasses. I look at them the are perfectly square. So I put them on him properly. Perfect fit. “better?” “well yes, but you didn’t do anything” “you just didn’t put them on right” “what?” “the glasses are fine. You just didn’t put them on right, thank you bye bye”

There’s a list of people you shouldn’t piss off when they are doing their jobs, as it goes bad for you. Normally most people say number one on that list is people that are preparing you food. I may argue with you and say the man with the rubber gloves at customs. But anyway high up on that list should be hairdresser whilst they are cutting your hair. Guess what I inadvertaly did that. Now im not too bad at understanding ascents. This guy was from some ware like turkey possibly but he started chatting to me and had the clippers going proper loud in my ear and he spoke quite softly. So I couldn’t understand a word he said. So I politely smiled and chuckled hopeing it was the correct response. A girl pointed something out to him in the paper and then walked off. This is want I thought I herd “mumble mumble amir khan mumble mumble girlfriend, mumble mumble really beautiful?” so I though he’d been showed a picture in the paper of amir karns mrs in the paper and was commenting on looks. “ I cherped up with “ohh I dunno” “and he looked at me a bit shocked and slightly put back. Then looked at the woman and looked back at me a bit cross and said “my girlfriends beautiful” all I could do was thinly smile and think I really wonder what the Amir khan bit was and I hope he doesn’t fuck up my hair on purpose for insulting his mrs, as he stony faced put down the clippers and pulled out a cut throat razor and begin to hack away at my hair.

“can I have an eye test” “I can book you in but we are full for the rest of the year next date available is 5^th Jan” “not today” “no sorry” “please?” “the optometrist is not here today” “can you do it” “afraid not” “why?” “because im not an optometrist”. “how long does it take?” “the test takes around half an hour” “so we can do that now?” “no as I explained there is no optometrist here today” “its only the HGV test” “well that doesn’t change anything” “I only need the HGV part” “well the HGV normaly ask for a full test and sometimes extra tests depending on the job” “how much?” “a test is £24 pounds” “so if I come back in a bit we do it” “look there isn’t an optometrist in today” “I only need the HGV bit” “do you have the form?” “no” “well all I can do is book you in in the new year” “can I go in and look at the wall?” “no” “please?” “NO” “do specsavers have any tests?” “how should I know?” “coz you work in an opticians” “yeah I do … THIS opticians not specasvers” “so you wont book me with them?” “er????? Wha? No…” so I cant just go in the room over there and have a test” “sorry no bye bye” I usher him out the door

Its on street all day parking in aldershit and the ticket machines are on the pavement backs to the wall faceing the road. So to buy one you have to stand in the middle of the pavement. But the pavement it easily big enough for 3 abreast walking. I get to the machine a few seconds before a middle to old age woman. And because im parking all day its £3.60 and the wife has filled my wallet with 20p’s so I deside to off load them. This woman is standing next to me impatiently. As I get to around the £2 mark she lets out an large sigh, followed by a "tut" and then adjust her posture in an impatient way. Im trying not to pay any attention. My ticket seems to take ages to print and then takes me a few seconds to pick it out of the workings of the machine. And the woman makes an audible “at last” kind of pantomime sigh. I shoot her a thin “good morning you old bat” smile. And go to ticket in my car. I look at the woman to see how longs she takes to use the machine so when I get close I can say something like “printing slow this morning” but no she’s not even used the machine she just carried on walking up the road. Now I know im quite a bit fatter than I was 10 yeas ago. But there was still plenty of room to walk round me!

Im here to collect my wife’s glasses. I spend a few mins trying to find her record. Nothing in glasses collection. (getting slightly embarrassed its taking so long to find. I check the computer no glasses on order. I look in the contact lens system she has some contact lenses on order. “umm…. I don’t have any glasses on order with us, she does however have some contact lenses that are here ready” “yes she told me that her glasses where contact lenses” “pardon?” “yeah im here to get her glasses that are contact lenses” “her contact lenses?” “yes her glasses that are contact lenses” “here you go then” “does she need her glasses fitted?” “errr? These are her regular shipment of contact lenses” “yeah her glasses that are contact lenses” “she doesn’t need these fitted no its her regular supply” “so her glasses don’t need fitting?” “I don’t know about her glasses she hasn’t ever ordered any from us” “yes she has these glasses that are contact lenses” “well best you just giver her the contact lenses and she can call me if she needs anything” “ok thanks”

A very little man came is with the biggest turban I have ever seen, he looked exactly like the sultan in Disney Aladdin. “Hello young boy” “hi” “ im a fortune teller, I can tell you everything about yourself” (clearly got my age wrong from his opening statement) “well im working at the moment so im not allowed to do stuff like that on work time” “you have the eye of the tiger and the eye of love” “ right like I said sorry im busy “ “I shall come back later its very important, you a very lucky. I do forehead line reading and palms.”

I wonder witch eye is witch? And would he have a field day with Gordon Ramsey.

What’s with people standing in Victoria road at 2am and screaming they what a fight. Screaming for about and hour and not acutely having the fight that they very loudly insist they crave.

The first as an Asian man, im saying Asia and west Asia. Well that’s where his family was from but im guessing he’s never been anyware other than the grotty London tower block he lives in and coming to Farnborough was a treat for him. So London chav accent mixed with someing west of India. That is my best guess.

He was standing at the very start of the bus stop. Witch is pretty much below my bedroom window. He was basically shouting racial abuse at the black bouncer about 75 yards away on the door of witherspoons. When asked what he was doing and why wouldn’t her go over and say the stuff he was saying to the bouncer. He replied he was waiting for a bus. Even though the bus stop is actually about 12 feet from the door of spoons and much much closer to the bouncer. Who was unable to leave his door duties. Also I would argue more importantly what bus was he expecting to get after 2 am on a Sunday morning.

He kept calling the bouncer the “N” word. Then clamed it was ok for him to do so as he was black too. Also he said “you can only call someone a bitch if you have been to London” this exchange went on for longer than I care to remember , but I knew the bouncer would be finishing in a bit. As soon as the moment came the bouncer started to walk towards him and he scurried off like a little bitch (ive been to London so I can say it) and he was out of my field of view. The funniest part was as the bouncer came onto view properly he was about 5 foot and must have weighed 8 stone. Not to judge the bouncers physical abilities but the mouthy twat was much much bigger than him. There’s nothing funnier than a bigger bloke running away from a little bloke. Next thing 3 police cars roll up. Im assuming they put the twat in the car as someone was kicking the doors form the inside. And the police then spent 40 mins interviewing the door staff and some bloke who came from noware in a vis vest and kept me awake dubble the time.

After that anti climax of a fight it only got louder and worse. 2am Monday morning. Car horn and shouting wakes me up. Theres a car full of people honking and shouting at the top of there lungs at some bloke in the middle of the street. And when the bloke got close to the car they would still with there doors open shouting drive round the block. They where screaming something about “crack head” “that they had “assessed” that he could take is coat off” and a strange chant “southwood, southwood show us your trick” he defiantly said trick.i know this because he repeated it about 50 times. This went of for ages. When one of my nabours shouted at them he was met with abuse.

Ive still not actually seen one punch being thrown. Ive seen one bloke being held back by his mates …. And he wasn’t even trying to hard to get to the person he wanted to fight. If your gonna have a fight have a fight stop shouting nonsense and waking everyone up.

list of all the wierdos i met when i was in the usa

Strange lady at sea world that was shouting at me ”look look the are feeding the eels” whilst we where standing at the well signed stingray tank.

The crazy man that threw his bad so hard at the closed bus door that it broke the wheels off his bad then started screaming and trying to punch the middle aged female bus driver.

An odd couple that kept saying the where from “san Francisco” like it was code for something and stroking carlys hand like they wanted to do some wife swap. Then the woman said to me my sister is “at” Bristol. So I said university and she looked at me odd and said “err no she works at orange.”

And odd eastern European couple that kept cornering me in the airport and talking to me in language that I could not even identify let alone understand and not letting me walk by. They did this a number of times.

The strange lady that ranted for 15 mins at us saying that she hated obama for sending all the tax money to us so we didn’t have to live on mud huts. It was all obamas and Europe fault.

The gay couple that kept saying racest comments and misquoted Monty python sketches at me in what they clamed was a perfect English accents.

Everyone that said “we love Australia” “I love you ozzys” and“ you’re from new south Wales right”

The half Hawaiian and half Asian bloke who’s surname was “Wan” who thought he was English. Evan thos no one in his family or him have ever been to or come from England. And he said “coz wan is an English name”

Phone rings. Please could you tell me when I’m due for an eye test. I start looking up their record. Cant find it. check computer, then paper, then address, then spelling, the maiden name, date of birth search. “do you know who you saw last time you where here?” “ohh ive never been to you, I normally do to XXXXX opticians in fleet” “well you called me in Aldershot” “I know I couldn’t get threw to them on the phone so I decided to ask you”

More adventures with sports centre machines. As you previously may remember I was a porky 13 st 6lbs that 85.7kg for any of you using the Latin. And my body fat was “good” at just over 20%. That was around April. Possibly march

So now it’s September so 5 or 6 months

Ive lost a staggering 4 lbs…. Please please stop I can hear your gasps of amazement.

Bu then I notice something else. My B.M.I was 28 now its 27.3 so that’s better even tho bmi is a massive pile of bollox on toast

Then I read down. MY COCKING BODY FAT ID NOW 24.4% is was just over 20%

So let me get this. Im 4 lbs lighter…. But about 4 % more fat. MORE FAT!!!!

WHAT THE HELL HAVE I LOST!!!!!!! A foot?

And by my most likely wrong calculations that like putting on 2 kg of fat

A quest for stamps….

Walk in a queue up at the till in the co-op. takes ages. Many Old women are buying 60 john player specials, and you know they will be in there tomorrow doing the same. I get to the front and ask for 2 book of 12 first class stamps and 4 books of second. The girl looks at me like im talking another language. Then it starts to dawn on her what I have asked for. Then her face contorts and looks like I have asked her a riddle. “you do have stamps right?” “yeah” she pulls out some tatty tea stained bit card that could well have been a bit of cereal packet. And start to punch in some codes to the till. It rings up the correct price. (im slightly shocked) I hand over £40 and she automatically puts it into a note deposit box. (not sure what they are called but the are under the till and the put the notes in then press a “clacky” button and then light fingered staff can pilfer the monies.) she then opens a box and looks slightly shocked. “there’s no stamps” I do my best to only look slightly annoyed and my best raising 1 eyebrow like Rodger Moore (witch I cant do). She calls over someone and they take 5 mins and open another box and there’s no stamps. Then they call someone from “out back” (and the might as well been in the sodding outback for the time it took them to arrive) then they said the would get someone to look in the safe and see if there was stamps. Whilst this was going on I asked if I could have my change. As the woman serving me was extremely likely to forget. As I suspected she had, and had to serve someone else in order to get the till open. The person came from the safe in the outback and reported there was no stamps. “ohh well have to do a refund” and bless her she picked up and under stood why I was giving her the stink eye when she picked up a gift card in order to process my “refund”. “ill get the supervisor as I cant get your money its in the box” that’s 25 mins of my life I wont get back. It all could have been prevented by something simpler than a noel Edmonds game show. LOOKING IN A BOX

Idiot raciest came in...........

“you see those two?” he points at two Nepalese old men and my heart sinks because I know what’s to come. “yes” “do you know why they have those stupid hats?” “nope” “ coz they are the kings body guards. Whet the hell are they doing over her...e when the should be guarding their king” looking at them id be surprised if their combined age is below 160. “I think they are probably retired” hes not listening. “well I think they should go home and do there job” “yeah coz there like mr miyagi” (I say quietly as he turns and leaves)

2 idiots in quick succession.

How is it possible that a woman stinking of piss standing in the rain holding twigs she’s picked from a rounderabout clam to be selling “luck” if she had any and I mean any at all she wouldn’t be in Aldershot.

Some girl/woman walks in “you got any jobs going” “well if you pop in a CV ill pass it on to the owner” “Er?” “a CV” “what?” “a curriculum vitae” “what?” “a résumé” “Er?” “No we don’t have any jobs sorry”