You find me in an odd mood dear reader

Slightly melancholy with world events and people stupid reactions and jokes. Now im normally the first to make a joke about something inappropriate. But some of the stuff ive seen isn’t funny. And is then just offensive. Yes you should laugh of misfortune. Yes you should laugh at everything going wrong. But you still should remember that people have died.

Also what’s annoying me is the fact that Germany has shut down nuclear power plants… now im not even educated in nucualer physics, power generation, history, or geography. But im pretty sure Germany isn’t a tsunami hot spot.

Also 2012 hang on……

Some drug addict twat out side just walked up to a Nepalese gentleman and said

“s’cuse me. Can I ask a favour”

“yes”

“can you move out your flat so I can move in”

“??”

“coz I cant get a flat”

“???”

“yeah that’s what I thought fucking great you twat”

yeah ok back to 2012 im not talking about the London Olympics

im talking about the end of the world or more importantly the retards that think it will be the end of the world.

I direct you to this video

If still not convinced that the world is not going to end. Then If you own a house I will buy it from you 5 grand. You can live in it rent free for a year and if the world ends the you are quids in. if it dosnt then you move out. are you that sure it will end?

Please note I cannot be held responsible for any mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, karma, dharma, metaphysical, religious, philosophical, Logical , Ethical, Aesthetical, or financial damage caused by this post

The human race is doomed (contains sweeping generalisations to intentionly cause offence)

Work shy thick people have lots of kids and this causes them to have low income and thus a greater chance of poor education. Poor education, poor income, workshy, more kids. Ever turning cycle when even if there was the glimmer of home of 1 person being some kind of genus that could save mankind they have more chance of being dole scum.

Rich clever people who are saving mankind have fewer children and because they are working. Cresh there children instead of nurture. So the chance of their passed down intelligence is snuffed out by the social awquard resentful that mummy and daddy packed them off o boarding school. Doesn’t actually do anything as they can sit blow their inheritance.

So on a long enough timeline intelligence is decreased

just had a woman in who wanted react to light lenese but refused to look at any glasses because they have clear lenses in. and couldnt understand that it would that model frame with lenses made for it. she stood looking at the sunglasses and complaine that i didnt have a very big react to light range

this one dosnt seem to be here for some reason. se the re post

mondays 2 word film reviews.

Alien: cinematic masterpiece.

Aliens : logical continuation.

Alien 3: underated gem.

alien resurrection: turgid joss whedon space pirate pile of shit

(just couldnt stick to 2 words on the last one)

This weeks 2 word film reviews.

RED: charismatic fun.
Social network: cinematic class.
Burke and Hare: cameo extravaganza.
Despicable me: bloody brilliant.
Shrek the third: please don’t.
Shrek forever after: make anymore

Oct holy crap that was a while ago

Well been planning the wedding a lot and lets just say there’s lots to do. Taken up a lot of time

So one idiot of the week for you

Bloke comes in with very badly bent glasses

“Right sir I’m not sure these are going to take being bent back”
he looks at me angry “well I was told they where indestructible”
“by who?”
“the people that where here before you”
“before me? Well I have been here 11 years”
“oh… but they are supposed to be indestructible”
“sir nothing is indestructible… these are made of titanium so they are light weigh and defiantly would not have been sold as indestructible”
“cant you heat them up”
“pardon?”
“cant you heat them up and bend them back”
“well off the top of my head sir the melting point of titanium is approximately 1500 oC. apart from not being able to touch them i think that might damage the paint”
I go out back and do a damn good job of keeping them in one piece and getting the wearable
“there you go did my best, hopefully last you until you can have an eye test and sort another pair”
“I thought titanium was indestructible”
His angry face changed when I gave him the news “ nothing is indestructible”
He grumbled and walked out with not so much as a thank you for fixing my glasses that I have been a numb nuts and stepped on

flu jab

got a bit of cold on at the moment so it seems slightly topical that i noticed this


http://your.asda.com/2009/9/22/asda-offers-uk-s-lowest-price-seasonal-flu-jab

if you dont want to read or click in the link its about that adsa are doing the flu jab for £8

ASDA! holy fuck whats next the tesco maternaty and gallstone unit

Knock at the door

A blurry eye me opens it to meet a person in BBC news uniform

“Alright?”
“Hello sir can I interview you for BBC news?”
“Umm what for?”
“He looks at me a bit strange “the explosion! ……in sainsbrys”
I look over his shoulder at sainsbrys its less that 60 yards away from my front door, and I have been in all most of the day and the time I was out I was in sainsbrys…. I notice the store is covered in do not cross tape. i can see tv crews and jornolists. My face obously looks I tiny bit surprised

“you don’t know about it then?”
“umm no”
“Well it looks like a coffee machine exploded around 17 people are injured and 6 or so have been take to hospital”
“ohh bloody hell”
“so you have you not been here all day?”
“umm yeah ive been here”
“and you didn’t see or hear anything?”
“umm no… you see halo reach cam out today and I have had the surround sound up quite loud… lots of explosions…” (I trail off as he looking at me with a disapproving and saddened expression)
“yeah… ok thanks sir” he says slightly sarcastically but mainly with pity

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-hampshire-11302161

Ive got some Oakley x metal julets to fix. They are the massively expensive ones from mission imposable 2

And for some reason who ever designed them desided they shouldn’t have normal screws. The have torx or tourge screws precisely in the T6 screw.

I phone Oakley. On no we don’t supply the screwdrivers. A hardware store or electronics store will sell it.

Great so I have to go buy one just to fix some glasses.

I go into Farnborough hardware and have a bit of a look. Lots of screwdriver sets. But I cant see one with a T6 I can see a T7 and a T8 but no T6. I wait for the woman to stop having an argument about a refund for a scented candle. Then ask

“ ‘scuse me do do you sell T6 torx screwdrivers?”

the woman dose the largest pantomime shrug I have ever seen out side a pantomime and expels air from her mouth with some spit “pppppFFFFtttt”

“look I dunno I just sell stuff…..cant you find one on the self?”

“well no that’s why im asking if you have them”

she starts to look massively inconvenienced “so you can see one on the self?”

“no I cant”

“what about this!” she picks up the first kit she sees and hands it to me.

“no that doesn’t have one it, that’s for wood work mainly”

“whats it for?”

“well it’s a T6 so its used in electrical and some silly makes of glasses”

“is it for a phone?”

“no its not….. but phones probably have them. I can find a T7 and a T8 here but what I need is a T6 do you even know if you sell them?”

“whats it for?”

“well I have a pair of glasses to fix”

“WELL HERE THEN this is what you need” in even more pantomime stile she theatrically picks up a screwdriver kit and pushes it into my hand and looks at me like im a retard.

“ummmm…. This is a kit with a flat head screwdriver in and a glasses hanging cord for round your neck and some spare assorted screws….. its doesn’t contain the screwdriver I want to buy” I put it back on the self

“why are you in here? Take it to an optician”

“I am an optician……DON’T WORRY I’LL GO TO MAPLINS”

Refund

A man walks in

“hello how can I help you?”
“I want a refund”
“ohh right… what for”
“a sight test”
“you want a refund for a sight test?”
“you owe me £24 plus the cost of a voucher”
“umm… let me just get your record out….. its says here sir you haven’t had a test or any glasses from us since 2007”
“yes”
“I don’t think I understand you sir”
“well I got a letter saying a was on income support so you owe me…..”
“sir if you where on income support at the time we would have checked your entitlement letter and made sure you got what you where entitled to…. Infact here is a had written note from my boss saying you failed to produce any proof of benefits you where receive so you where not entitled to anything”
“well im on benefits so I want my money back”
“you want your money back of a sight test and glasses you had over 3 years ago?”
“yes”
“well technically you need to try to claim your money back from the nhs… and im sorry to tell you this but I wouldn’t hold up much hope. The system has changed as has the entitlements. And it was over 3 years ago. If it was 3 weeks ago you may have some luck but 3 years…”
“so your not going to give me the money”
“umm no. it’s the ns you need to speak to and I really don’t think you’ll get any money back. Look you are due an new test now and it will be on the nhs so why don’t you have a new one and then if you need a change of prescription they will raise a voucher and that will pay for your lenses so you will be up to date.”
“No I want a refund from you”
“well sir that just not possible as I have not supplied you with anything faulty or returnable. Ill phone the nhs for you and see what they will do”
“go on then”

bring bring

“nhs PCT”
“hello I have a patient that wishes to claim back the cost of there eye exam and the value of a optical voucher”
the woman loudly sighs then asks the customers name and details…
“what was the date of the test?”
“2007”
“what?”
“umm yeah the test was 2007”
“ HAHAHAHAHA….. you have a nutter with you don’t you… tell them to have a new test and a voucher”




Complaint about my attitude

Bloke comes in for a sight test

“hello mr.XXXXX for the 10:20 appointment?”
“where’s the woman”
“what the receptionist?”
“yeah the woman whos here”
“well shes not here today its her day off”
“ohh”
“anyway if you’d like to take a seat in the waiting area the optometrist will be with you in a few mins”

he walks of grubleing, has his test and im handed the results and he sits down at my desk

“right well it looks like there’s been a bit of change to your eyes since we last saw you 2 years ago and we can make you see quite I bit better for distance and reading than you are seeing at the moment”
“right?”
“well yes. As im sure the optometrist explained you would benefit from new glasses”
“oh ok” he says like its news to him. But written on the notes word for word is “told customer would benefit from new glasses”

“Would you like to order some today sir?”
“suppose”
“well for the last 10 years you have been having something from our budget range its £70 for the frame and lenses. Or you can have something from a more expensive range but you have had the budget range for the last 10 years and that is sufficient for your needs”
“so whens the woman back”
“she only works 3 days a week and shes back after the weekend…. So do you want to something form the £70 range”
“how much do I have to pay?”
“well it depends what you pick… but you have always had something from the £70 range and that ok for your new prescription”
“so what do I have to pay?”
“well if you pick the £70 range…” he cuts me off
“what does it COST?”
“well £70”
“so what do I have to pay?”
“well if you want something from the £70 range…£70”
“SO WHAT DO I HAVE TO PAY?”
“£70”
“I’m not paying that” in those 4 words before he has uttered the word “that” he is out the door

I think to my self what and odd bloke. The optometrist comes out and says that MR.XXXX was a really odd bloke kept asking about the receptionist.

Now hes come in complaining about me to the owner saying he didn’t like my attitude and that I told him he had to pay £70 and I dint explain what for


I hope the owner says “£70 for glasses you silly cunt ….and leave our receptionist alone”

Two drunk middle age rough as badgers arse women stagger across the road. The 2 of them using all there power to have the ability to approximate ambulation. The stagger leads them towards my shop door. I start to think negative thoughts. At the last min the chance course in smash into my window. The shout spit and swear loudly for a few mins…

Im screaming in my head wishing I could hate them to death.

Then police woman appears and walks towards them

Beethoven’s ode to joy starts playing in my head

Then when the police woman arrives the drunk women say

“alright sharron?”
“yeah not bad you girlds facny a drink?”
“yeah what time your shift end?”
“in an hour … meet you in the goose”


at this point i lose faith in all humanaty

Clash of the titans 3d


Now im not going into the film lets just say it was adequate and that I don’t really like the fact that they remade a classic.

I want to talk about 3d cinema

At this time I haven’t seen avatar. And its not on in the cinema anymore so ill probably see it in 2d on blu ray.

Is a film made better by it being in 3d? I think it makes an average film better in a novelty way.

Now most special effect films with big action scenes , big explosions, dizzying heights ect. The 3d adds scale and makes the film bigger. Because lets face it that’s what the film wants to be BIG. How can you make action film A bigger than action film B. 3D!

But would 3d make truly brilliant films better?

The userwel suspects in 3D?
It’s a wonderful life in 3D?
Reservoir dogs in 3D?
BLADERUNNER IN 3D?

I’m not sure it would. The other factor is those films where not made in 3d where as clash of the titans was made to be in 3d so there where scenes specially put in to wow and amaze in 3d (but not a lot else).

I have an sort of photographic memory7 for films I have scean. I can kinda replay scenes in my head. But thinking about clash of the titans. I cant really rember what bits where in 3D (an interestion point to probably no one but myself)

This things that didn’t work so well. The method used for the 3d was the dolby 3D. with is quite a clever 3d method. It used interference lenses to only allow certain wavelengths of light to each eye. So both eyes are getting all the colours but different wavelengths.

There is one problem with this the fact you loose light. In a dim cinema loosing 20% (im guessing) is quite a lot to loose and I felt that it was like watching tv with my sunglasses on.

Also computer-generated elements of the film worked a lot better than “real” elements. At some points the wrong things seemed to be in focus to me.

A nearer object sticking out of the screen and thus closer to me would be out of focus, the person talking would be in focus. But I had a waking depth out of focus object closer to and I found it a bit off putting.

Also there seemed to be an odd effect with people, they seemed to standing on top of themselves. Very hard to explain this , but when you saw a person in 3d. it looked like they had someone standing behind them because the two angles gave you slightly more than you should be able to see. This as well put me off. And at some points I found myself closing 1 eye until some more computer crash bang wolp came on.

There are lost of 2d clues to depth perception. If an object is bigger than another object that you know to be the same size you know the bigger is closer. Shadows , and overlapping.

The 3d only adds parallax. This is whaere a closer object moves against the way you are moving and distant objects appear to move in the same direction. An example of this is look out the side window of a car moving , things you pass appear to move in opposite but hills seem to be moving in the same direction (but at a different rate) not the best example there. But im sure you dint come here for a my excellent spelling and a geometric optics lecture.


Now as I have only seen 1 film in 3D. well I have actually seem 3

Creature from the black lagoon. This was with red and green glasses
Some imax cartoon this was with polarized filters
Clash of the titans the Dolby 3d method


Is 3d cinema just a gimmick….. At this stage I have to say I think it is.

I think it can be used for something something that the viewer looses buy watching it on tv….

SPORT!

I think 3d tv sport is the future for this not film. Watching on 2d you loose what you would see by being there. Football, rugby, tennis would all benefit from the view being able to see the positions of things in 3d. I don’t think that would be a gimick

Time will tell

A women came in my shop. she was elderly and a bit odd and referred to her self in the 3rd person just as much as she didn’t.

And also refered to herself as sainsbury and sainsburys

On the paperwork it was sainsbrys but that paperwork was from someware else

“so is your name sainsbry or sainsbrys its just you have used both”
she looked at me a little annoyed “its sainsbry”
“right cos on the paperwork its says sainsbrys”
“its sainsbry the same as the shop”
“umm the shop is sainbry’s…..”
“well my names not plural”
“so you name is without the S”
“yes its got an S its sainsbry”
“I was referring to the s at the end”
“there is no s at the end its spelt like the supermarket”
“yeah I was just checking because you have used both”
“so you cant remember my name”
“yes I can rember your name”
“can you call me a taxi…”
“yes ofcorse”

“for mrs sainsbrys going to …….”

2 nutters for you today


One comes in wanting me to look at their nose…… I know that pretty close to your eyes…. But its still not actually your eyes. Thus not really my field of expertise.


The second was a very bad liar.

“hello madam…. You seem to have cancelled you direct debit with us”
“I have never had a direct debit with you”
“Yes you have you have had it for a number of years but you cancelled it in October. So unless you restart it I can continue to supply you with goods”
“oh ok then”

she starts to fill in the form

“umm I don’t know the address of my bank”
“is it the same account as you had the direct debit with us before?”
“No its not it’s a different account”

I scream AHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHAAAAA in my head
I took her about 15 second to forget she had lied to me….. Children standing over a broken vase with bits of it in their hand saying I didn’t do it are better liars than that

Generally feeling a bit rough and feverish. I summoned up the strength to get up and stick the washing on. As I press the on button there’s a loud bang and the washing machine dies in a puff of white smoke than then bleeds stale water all over the floor. Much cursing happens. And its not even a consolation that I now don’t have to do the washing.

I get in the car….. Engine temp water light is on….. That’s not good. Some one in the family says they will have a gander at it. I drive to there with the light stareing me in the face. I stop after a while to let it cool. And the car does a big wee all over the side of the A303. much cursing happens.


The cat also appears to not be in a good mood. Generally trying to wound the wife and me.

Also I don’t recommend norovirus…. It fucking sucks. That’s why I haven’t been doing many updates

also some stupid chaz kid is giveing out my email again thinking its his. all the stupid emo chaves sending me mail and msn requests can cock of. and next time he trys to send me his xbox after its repaired im gonna keep it

ive suspended anonomus posting as it was getting spammed

Its amazing how embarrassment makes people lie

Some does something amazingly stupid and its going to cost them they say “I dunno how it got like that”

I seen pairs of glasses that look like they have been walked on by a carnival precession consisting of mainly elephants, and the person puts teher hand on their heart looks me in the eye and says I just opened the case this morning and they where like that. When I sagest that that could be true but they are leaving out the bit where the jumped up and down on then and then put them in the case so that when they open the case this morning the glasses where like it. They tend to get very angry. Because something they did that was stupid is now going to cost them. Most people come in saying that the fell apart over night in the case. And complain that the glasses a faulty and want a new pair.

Today’s bell end didn’t even have the intelligence to lie properly.

“These glasses have fallen apart…. “
“ok… lets have a look”
“thay are soo week”
“ umm… they look like that have been crushed”
“no….. they where just in my pocket”
“in the case?”
“no… and they may have got a little bit squashed”
“so they got crushed in your pocket because they wernt in the case”
“the case breakes them”
“the case …. I thing that designed to protect them when not in use breakes them?”
“yes they are weak glasses.”
“well you crushed them in your pocket”
“well you said they are under guarantee”
“when?”
“when I bought them”
“well yes everything you buy has a guarantee against manufacturing faults but crushing them isn’t a fault…. Its your fault”
“well they are undergarentee and they are weak”
“thay are not garennteed agains you being careless its not a manafaters fault you crusing them. I can get them repaired but you will have to pay for new parts”
“they are under guarantee I paid lots of money for these”
“look it dosnt matter what they cost. If you crused them you crushed them. They would have the same damage, no matter what they cost”
“well im not happy about this”
“(WELL IM NOT HAPPY ABOUT YOU BEING ALIVE) would you like me to send them away to be repaired?”
“go on then….”

2009 game awards
As decided by me



The winner of most pointless remake is …..The Chronicles of Riddick: Assault on Dark Athena

Re release the first game and tack on some shitty ad on pack and charge lost of money. Should just save your self the money buy grabbing the xbox verson out the bargin bin for £9


The winner of why the hell am I playing this its more addictive and life destroying than crack is… peggle

Bright colours encouraging sounds….. missing meals because you must just finish that last lvl ….


Best remake…… monkey island

Still I think remakes are a bit pointless. But butifly updated graphics and sound. And kept the plot untouched. Pure class


Hardest 1 bullet scrapes passed you and you die of a heart attack so defiantly nor for pussys fps of the year is …….. Operation flashpoint dragon rising.

In hard mode. No save point no hud. Infact nothing helping you at all. Spend 2 hours crawling on your belly. Most likely what id be like in a real war.


Most improved sequel of the year… assassins creed 2.

Took out 90% of the bullshit from the first game, good effort B-

Game that’s labled as a game but its pretty much and add-on pack you pay full price for…. Joint winners , left 4 dead 2 and halo ODST

Left for dead was in the first place an add on to halflife 2 and they made us pay full wack and now they have released a sequel they expect you to pay full wack for again. Halo. Chalks up the win here for making you pay for multiplayer lvls you have already payed for and a single player campain with is fun but short and hence essecaly an add-on pack


Most disappointing plot of the year….. modern warfare 2

The first game was at least grounded in reality. Thins game the “writers” went totally snooker loopy

Most disappointingly short game of the year…. modern warfare 2

I played this game in the hardest difficulty and I wrapped it all up in about 8 hours. If id been playing it in easy. I recon this game would be around 15 mins…. Totally not worth the price especially if you got some of the crazy special addition versions of this game

Worst game of the year that I actually payed for…. WET

Everything that is wrong with games is displayed here. Just bad…. No fun to play at all


And finally best game of the year..... Batman archam asylum.

Need I say more ist got fucking batman in it.

so you think its cold there....... well that ice on the inside of my windows.

Do you know what my problem is …… im too bloody nice.


This happens more and more to me.

Customer comes in, hands me a pair of glasses. And they say they want new lenses in them. When I look at them it turns out they already have exactly what the want in them they have handed me the wrong pair. The others are in a draw at home. The person I s a bit old and forgetful and it terns out they have been wearing their old glasses for a year or more and there brand new ones that have never been warn they think are there old ones. And then they want them brought up to date……. Evan though they already are.

I point out to them they must have another pair at home. Because my orders show that the glasses should be blue not brown, and a totally different size and colour. But they never believe me. Im trying to save them money and they think im lieing. Just because they have been a fool. I can change the lenses for you if you want . but ill be making up exactly the same as already in them.

The latest woman thinks im lie so much shes coming back to talk to my manager.

I know what I should have done. Told her they would be ready in 1 hour. Stick them on my desk. Read the paper, and in 1 hour hand them back and pocket the cash.

But I don’t coz im too bloody nice and ripping of pensioners is not my stile no matter how much they want me to.

Please note I cannot be held responsible for any mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, karma, dharma, metaphysical, religious, philosophical, Logical , Ethical, Aesthetical, or financial damage caused by this post


Over hearing “conversations” from winos outside

“you read this shit….. foreigners cunts getting a 1.8 milling quid house in London…. Fucking foreign cunts…..”
“don’t get me started…..(lots of racist incomprehendable swearing here).

The 3 winos then shout at some bloke at the other end of the street saying something about hamas…. The swig cans of K cider and special brew then beging to “sing” a nirvana song….
“yeah so I have to do some (insert a 3 letter abbreviation here) report fucking waste of time that is , but the fucking thing got me 12 months off my sentence, I served 5 days and the cunts gave me a flat” he then shouts some more rasest things at passers by and kicks his dog.


i wish i owned a gun and a licence to kill

Why I hate EA… (me being a fanboy here sorry)

Well hate is a strong word…. Ok they are not all bad….. but only in the way that Hitler wasn’t all bad.


What I dislike is the way they spot a small company that makes something good, buys that little company, amalgamate it in to there huge machine and the little cogs have no creativity anymore, lost the spark that made there good idea special in the first place.

And the other thing the do is release a game. Then slowly release add on packs and you end up spending 2 or 3 times what you would have paid if it had all been in one game. See the sims of burn out paradise.


The biggest thing that’s upset me is the have put criterion on making the new need for speed game. And even know I knew they would do this im still annoyed. (c’mon harry its only a game)

Burnout 1. good effort for a first game. Very similar to thrill drive.

Burnout 2 . fast, crashes pretty. I love love love this game.

Burnout 3 added the fact that you can takedown the other racers. A thing I always though should have been in burnout2

Burnout 4 or revenge. Pretty much the same as 3 but you could start to feel the meddling or EA

Burnout 5 paradise. I see why someone thought open word would be good. But to honest is was bad. For the purpose of it being a multiplayer destruction derby thing then yeah that was fun . But it wasn’t burnout. The fast racing was gone as was crash mode. The best party game since all female jelly twister. I bought it expecting to hate the open world thing and I did. The game was fun but it wasn’t burnout. If it had been called someing else I would have seid “yeah that games good but not as fun as the burnout games that company used to make” I think it was sold as a burnout game just so it had the burnout name coz that would get sales.

It was annoused earlier in the year that the criterion team are now making the new need for speed game. The need for speed game was the biggest competitor of the burn out games. It like the pro evo team making the new fifa. Or the silent hill team making the resident evil..

EA have bought the team that made top notch racing games and put them to work on their vastly inferior competitor.

Little cogs in the ea machine

Please note I cannot be held responsible for any mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, karma, dharma, metaphysical, religious, philosophical, Logical , Ethical, Aesthetical, or financial damage caused by this post


Do you know what pisses me off…..

Well quite a lot of things … but mainly today scroungers…..

A short man walks in asking for his glasses to be repaired. They are a year or 2 old and haven’t had a good life. (the glasses not him hes about 50). On slightly closer inspection (I didn’t dare touch them I haven’t been keeping up with my inoculations) I saw they where of the lowest quality possible. Im not going to mention the name of where they where purchased from all I’ll say is he shouldn’t have gone there.

He throws a grubby piece of paper infront of me that had horrible tide makes on it from him. It was a for outlining the benefits system and entailment to money for glasses.

“they say I have to pay for them” pointing roughly at the wall behind me presumably in the direction of the other opticians. I don’t dare turn my head and the charity box on my desk disappears when people like him are in and I take my eyes off it.

“well yes sir you do”
“it says here I don’t”
“sir that says there that….. people under the age of 16 are entitled to a repair voucher”
“yeah see I get a repair voucher”
“but your over 16”
“yeah it says over 16”
“only children get free repairs”
…….. he scans the paper……..”says here other people can too”
“well yes that true … but that a way of putting that disabled people can get repairs”
“Im disabled”
……the fucker walked in the place “well if for people who are very disabled”
“I am”
(I don’t fucking doubt that)…. “I mean people who are severally mentally and physically handicapped”
he just looks at me
“look sir you not entitled… its only for people so disabled they can even get to the shop”
“well I got no money”
“look I didn’t make those glasses there pretty cheep by the looks of them. If you got them on a voucher in the first place they had to cost around £36”
he interrupts me “they where free”
“yes I know you didn’t pay for them the NHS did and they cost £36 because that the value of the voucher. So logically if the frame and lenses cost 36. the frame would most likely be around £15 and they sould be able to get you a new one and pop your lenses in that”
“well im disabled I fall over a lot…”
I look at his shopping 8 cans of special brew

I don’t think the fucker interpratated my next stare correctly. It was a why are you complaining to me about some product from another shop, whilst you try to swindle the health care system that my tax money pays for when if you didn’t by 8 cans of antifreeze larger you could easily have the glasses fixed type stare.

Admittedly there's a lot to read from that look.

Also today if anyone wants to come kill the racist thug that stands out side my shop shouting racist names at people and threatening to kick them in it would be much appreciated.
And DO NOT PUT alkyl ethersulfate, ethoxylated alkyl phenol, tri-quaternary cocoabased phospholipid and silica gel with titanium dioxide. in your eye it results in a trip to A&E

Some people are weird


Standing in the bank I couldn’t help over some loud mouth chavy woman screaming at the staff.

“its fucking ridiculous that you have but a fucking block on my account just coz someone has take 40quid out…. id fucking understand if it was like 400 but its only 40 quid its fucking ridiculous this banks a fucking joke”

now if some one had take 40quid from my account I would want the back manage to personally stalk the mother fucker that took the money and when the find them go medieval with some pliers, a car battery and a bat with nails in.

but this woman took objection to the bank trying to stop people from stealing her money. Perhaps if I just asked her for 40 quid she’d give it to me?
The bitch didn’t look that rich to me. But then I don’t know the cost of velour track suits, claires accessories 8 inch hoop earrings, and enough bacardi breezers and dominos to get that fucking fat.

retard of the day....

sitting at my desk someone walks in

“Hello can I help you”
“I got this…..(hands me a piece of paper)”
“(I skim read it)…… umm ok that’s a piece of paper telling you to make an appointment for an operation………(he just looks at me)………at the hospital”
“can I speak to the doctor”
“we don’t have a doctor we are an opticians”
“yes…..”
“…… (I look oddly at his strange little bald head)…. So…..”
“I wanted to talk to the doctor so they’d tell me what to do……”
“(I take the piece of paper back….. I start at the very beginning ) is this you mr….”
“yes….”
“good. Now it say her you need to phone the hospital and make an appointment… look the number here”
“what option do I pick”
“what…”
“it says there pick option”
“well yes… but there is only 1 option”
“there different things”
“no they are the same thing. Ones the department at the hospitol, and written after that is the name of the hospital”
“they are different”
“no they are the same place”
“but 2 things”
“no its at firmly park hospital”
“2 options”
“look. There is only 1 place listed…. The department at firmly park. If you lived near 2 hospitals they probably would give you a choice of with hospital you wanted to go to or something. But you don’t”
“so witch one is the closest to me”
“theres only 1 hospital on the list.”
“but witch do I pick the department or the hospital”
“they are the same thing”
“witch hospital is the closest to where I live?”
“where do you live?”
“north camp”
“firmly park then”
“so… “
“(I quickly interrupt before he can ask me witch option again) NOW you need to phone firmly… look the phone numbers there…. (I point it out quite over dramatically) make your appointment for your operation”
“he scans the letter for a long time as I stand there with a very thin smile…he looks at me in way that tells me he doesn’t believe what I have told him). Umm….ok”

he walks out.

what a fucking dick! I think to myself wasting NHS money on retards there should be some mandatory IQ test before you are entitled to NHS treatment.

Then I think for another few seconds.

The letter was to book in for surgery. Meaning hes already been to the department on the peace of paper at firmly park hospital. A consultant must have already examined him and desided if he needs treatment. etc….
Yeah mandatory spacktrad testing before automatic entitlement to NHS treatment…..

Sorry to all my lady fans
I took the one of you that I chose (the one of you females that tolerates me…..and doesn’t spray stingy liquid in my eyes when ever I approach). To a swanky restaurant. Then after the duck course when I know she would be too full to run away. Produced a dozen red roses. Her favrote chocolates. And the ring she had had her heart set on. On one knee I popped the question…..

I run exhausted to the jewellers holding my receipt ready to collect my….(well it not my its hers) engagement ring. Io gets there at 5:20. and some snotty little gut behind the door saying they are closed and wont let me collect. Muther fucker. I stop home pissed of trying to thing how im going to adjust my plans….

Next morning after a bad night all coz twat boy would let me have the ring I march up there just after 9…… sign that was not on the door yeasterday…. Closed for staff training….

They are lucking I didn’t have exposer to gamma rays in a lab someware when i was younger



a few hours later

i collect the ring ... grumble to the woman about not being open etc.....

i take the ring home and think maybe is should go see the wife at work and check it fits......

then i notice..... the rings gem setting ic cracked!!!!!! and where they have resized it. the gold its 2 diffrent colours... its not evan close to matching.... they have ruind the ring she had her hart set on......

i cant even explane how angry i am......

My travels …… part 1 getting there

Heathrow terminal 5 is pretty good. From check in to duty free in roughly 10 mins. That what I like in my airports. And but some fortuitous coincidence. Where we checked in was unbelievably close to our gate. Not like the last time I flew and I had to hike 45min across Gatwick. Id been warned that the Canadian customs are funny about what they let you bring in. only 1ltr of your favrote poison. So that 2 cans of larger or 1 bottle Dr. Rutgarts mad dog insanity overproof sipping liquor / engine degreaser. So the choice was easy. Find myself a alcohol mule. Other people I was flying with where now carrying my Smirnoff blue label. 2 weeks away im gonna at least need to ltr of vodka.

9and a half hours, the fast and the furious, star trek, and some episodes of porridge later. I crunched down in Calgary

there waiting for me as some pensioners in golf buggies offering to drive me the 200 yards to the customs desk. Yeah that’s exactly what I need after 9 and a half hours sitting down. A bit more. (Perhaps I was tired and a bit grumpy…. Considering I had wanted to walk out on fast and furious knowing full well I was 35000 up)

“Canadian are the nicest people you could ever meet” was a phrase I had still ringing in my ears from everyone I had ever told I was going to Canada. So as chirpily as I could when I got to the customs desk. I said hello, how are you? to the woman. And she staird at me like id just done a shit on her inkpad. I handed her my passport and my imagation pass and some other bit of paper she wanted. But apparently I handed them to her in the wrong order. And she over drematily shuffled them trying to make as much russling noise as possible. I rolled my eyes up and noticed the big sign listing things you cant bring in to Canada. High up on the list was soil. I wish I had some on me. It would be flying in to that woman’s face. She handed me back my paper work. I too 2 steps and handed it to the bloke standing behind her. She was closer than me. He said "welcome to Canada enjoy your stay"

Please note I cannot be held responsible for any mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, karma, dharma, metaphysical, religious, philosophical, Logical , Ethical, Aesthetical, or financial damage caused by this post

additianl disclamer. any rough genralistions in the following are ment to be takens at hyperbole

List of odd differences I encountered between Alberta (south nr foothills) and Hampshire

1. you cant get real bacon its like the McDonalds round beacon.
2. a short walk to the shops an back is around 8 miles
3. speed limits are painfully slow
4. 3 in 5 trucks/ cars have a broken windscreen
5. there’s no MOT’s
6. road deaths are higher than a lot of other country’s
7. the driving test seems easy
8. the bigger the better they seem to thing that anything small is no good. This rule applies to almost everything
9. you cant get beer anyware except liquor stores and bars (its like the don’t want you to bloody drink)
10.YOU CAN’T SODDING GET BEER AT THE SUPERMARKET
11. there no family meal pub culture
12. Supermarkets sell guns and ammo
13. there’s lots of hair crimes
14. a lot of people are a little too interested in horses for my likeing
15. people couldn’t understand my strange accent
16. Everyone thought I must be a criminal because I was from Europe
17. the 10 cents coin is smaller than the 5 cents
18. at customs they really really don’t want to let you into the country
19.Most people are really friendly, slightly unnervingly so to begin with. At first I though this was a kind of American “have a nice day” bullshit. But its not
20. People do say EH?
21. everything there is described as awsome. (see linked eddie izzard gag) but pronounced arseoom

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0rYT0YvQ3hs

I recommend it. just stock up on duty-free and some good walking shoes

Harry potter and why the bloody hell are they not getting on and doing anything.

Now I haven’t read the books. Only watched the films.

Im going to say right here that goblet of fire is the best of the Harry potter films (so far 2 to go etc) I liked the way there was this wizard tournament and there was some hidden malevolent forces twisting the result ect. There was a good bit of mystery to it ete.

And the first films where like that to. Since then its all been the bloody same. Ohh yeah voldermort is about (someware…. Wooo isn’t that spooky) and that’s about it. there’s a evil teacher that was basically a bitch from garage hill making kids self-harm. I honestly don’t think that warranted a 2-hour film. Now since goblet of fire they have known that voldermot bin laden has been kicking about someware. And hes got some crazed bird that’s married to tim burton cackling like a pantomime villain doing his bidding. Theres a few others and they are basically indcated because of the music and make-up that accompanies them. Now lets take a guess and say there 20 or so of these death eaters. Now guessing here there must be 1000 people at hogwarts. And we know from goblet of fire theres another 2 schools. So roughly 3000 magic users. 2 parents per kid. 6000 some can not have magic parents so roughly 4000 magic users. There must be magic users without kids or with kids too young for the school system. So im reckoning form my poorly worked out guesses there must be 10000 adult magic users. 10000 vs 20 death eathers and voldermort bin laden.

So why the fuck do low rent gandalf and specky potter (who lets face it get his ass kicked ever step of the way) go off on ther bloody own to cave where they know there gonna be bad stuff. To drink some black goo and be attacked by golem clones from lord of the rings. And whilst im thinking of rip offs the luck potion it was dangerously close to coping red dwarf there…. But then desided to just make harry potter buzzing his titts of. And then jim brordbent just got pissed and told him anyway. Yeah that was lucky.

Now for the remaing 5 hours that I have to wait a year or so for (to be dragged to buy the wife) he’s going to be hunting for the remaing objects wopt de bloody doo. Not some appointed magic used task force. A schoolboy. And I really crap one at that.

In short.

All very well and good not knowing about evil force twisting things from behind closed doors. Now they know about evil why the hell are they sitting with their thumbs up there butts sending schoolboys off to get half drowned buy low rent golem clones

Hotter than hell sweatier than satans jock strap.

I have “commandeered” some fans from work that only have a moderate chance of bursting into flames. Thus defeating the object of them really. But short of putting myself in the fridge I really dint know what to do. My house was obviously designed by thermos. When its cold there’s ice in my house and its actually warmer outside. When it’s hot my house leaches all the heat from the world and stores it inside. Yah I live in a flask.

Well im arranging these fans to mainly point at my side of the sofa. And not the wife’s but make it look like they are mainly pointing at her. She come home and says the cat looks hot.

“The cat looks hot” (she I told you she said that)
“na babe hes fine…. Help me aim these fans at my cods”
she flicks me some disapproving look…. The one I get 90% of the day. “I think wee should bath him to cool him down”

at this point I have a flashback ‘nam stile to the horror before

the was no getting around it she was going to dunk the cat. And I had to be there to make the cat think it was my doing. So any reparations would be down to me.
5 mins later I was standing with a soggy cat and my blood on the wrong side of my skin

“Harry….. Wake up”
“uuuuuuuurrrrgggghhh….????”
“Wake up….” She hits me
“ahhhh bloody hell what woman?”
“The cat looks ill”
“What?”
“Alfie doesn’t look very well”
“hes a cat hes all hairy and evil how can you tell”
“He just doesn’t look very well”
“HE IS BLOODY FINE”

as the last syllable is said the cat spectacularly projective vomits

A told you so face appears on the wife’s face

“See I told you he was ok” I add for comedy effect

The cat then sidesteps and vomits again.

“Ok ill call the vet”

5 am i'm engrossed in a lucid dream the like of witch I haven’t experienced in years. I’m blissfully unaware of what its about to happen as an intruder silently and stethaly creeps into my room. In the half-light he must have mistaken witch end of the bed I was sleeping or he intended to wake me, the answer to this I will never know. He rains down an attack on my foot. My dream is replaced by white agony then confusion. He’s hurt me enough to wake me but not incapacitate me. I’m confused and my eyes haven’t adjusted to the light. I raise my left arm to defend myself and he attacks with all his might. In the maelstrom my arm takes the full force of his attack, some how though if manage to knock him to the floor. My eyes just about adjust as my eyes meet his. His next attack is quick. Quicker then I could possibly expect. I feel the flesh of my cheek parting. All I can reach is the pillow I swing hard. Somehow it connects well and he is halted in his attack on my face. He tumbles to the floor again. But has time to correct his fall and lands neatly. He looks at me. I feel the blood running down my cheek. His message is delivered. He lets out a satisfied meaow, turns flicks his tail and is gone into the darkness.

Eurovision and bathing the cat.

So no wogan…. I had my doubts weather it would still have the magic. When it was announced I was confident he was the logical choice. The boy did good. He added a level of bitchyness to proceedings. The drinking game rules change every year mainly because we get so wasted they go out the window and no once can rember them. This year the wife was ill so I had to drive her home so no gin and relentless for me. This was possibly a blessing in descise as I think gin and relentless could have killed me…. Or would have done some serous tinkering with my digestive tract that the maintenance men at sothernwater would not have thanked me for. The people in charge of making up the rules said. Drink at power grabs, shaven chests, bitchy comments, campness etc….. then when it gets to the scoring drink for every point England gets. In prevose years this was a bit of relief at our nil points. This year I think they drank 171 times at out 5th place. 171 drinks for the melted paedophile walrus face of sir Andrew Lloyd Webber.

The mrs wanted to bath the cat. She said she’s always wanted too and id always wanted to reseve a rususative procedure. So angering an animal with teeth and claws seemed the logical choice and chelle said I should expect at the very least a blood transfusion.

I have to say the cat wasn’t best please at the whole affair but he didn’t try to kill us. No one got injured witch was a shock as I was hoping I would be so hurt it would get me out of my Sunday afternoon washing up chore. “Sorry love you’ll have to do it I need to go to A&E and get my hand put back on”

the say a picture speeks athousand words.... and it probubly will in my prossicutions case at my animal crulty trial

he was suspisious i took his collur off

lured him in with a duck

he sat there and took it like a man

alfie mid shake teh watter off like a dog

he's a hairy liittle beast

some more noncence cartoons ive beein commisioned to make

I think someone is trying to subvertly mock me by taking signs from the near by road works and place them faceing into my shop window at my desk.
The signs read ……SLOW

Cat shit

When we moved into “our” new gaff it was immediately taken over by the wife and alfie. With all my interior design suggestion immediately dismissed with a thin smile a chuckle… pat on the head and a suggestion like. “that’s lovely but ive already got that sorted out hows about you go and set up the telly.”

So with no power to veto the ca litter tray goes next to the bath. (Probably where I would have put it to…. But that’s not the point). So it leaves me in this situation.

Sitting in the bath thinking about the horrors of work
The cat comes in cherps his little cat greeting, and looks at me a little too long as if to say, you going to get out now? Then he breaks eye contact with a little cat sigh and goes to his tray. Where he locates a spot, refused to make eyecontct with me. The same way any men do in a communal lavatory do. And makes a puffing out his cheeks thrutching face.

Now his poopy stinks …… properly stinks … makes your eyes burn….. its probably all that Guinness and pork scratchings im feeding him on the sly.

Then he's done

But no he doesn’t leave it in the tray for me to quickly bad tag and launch out the window. He starts kicking it about the bathroom it what I suppose in his little feline brain is helping me out. the little twit kicks all of it behind him. Then turns around to see it all over the place. The thinks that will never do. And starts kicking it all in the other direction. With me flailing around in the bath trying to stop him.

To be honest ive looked better.

My curse

Im pretty sure iv mentioned this before. But I have mechanics and cars and everything. When ever I take my car to anyware to get fixed . they fix something that doesn’t need fixing and ignore what I asked them to do…. Or 10 mins later if falls off my car. Or I get ripped off. They just generally fuck up and don’t do the work and over charge me


Monday I phone up. And ask for my car to be serviced and mot’ed. And tell them that the windscreen washer pump needs replacing and that my boot lock has broken and needs replacing.

Then on leaving my car today. I say this is the things that need doing windscreen washer pump and the boot lock. Coz they are mot fails arnt they? Bloke checks it written in the book and takes my key.


Few hours later I get a phone call. Sorry sir your car has failed its mot.

The windscreen washers don’t work and we cant open the boot to get at the spare wheel. Both mot failures


BUNCH OF CUNTS

MY PHONE BEEPS WITH A NEW TXT AT AROUND MIDNIGHT

“I am home safe and sound thanx 4 a fab nightx”

I REPLY “my plesure. Not sure im the person u ment to txt. And I defnatlywasnt out with anyone tonight but glad your safe”

(id mostly been sitting in my pants playing xbox and eating a kabab)

“Thanx 4 gud thoughts but I guessi have the wrong number 4 the person I wanted!”

“So you worked who you where with then? Hope you haven’t been ‘flert diverted’ or what ever them kids call it”

yeah yeah I thought I was being so funny…. Next day carly comes home from work.

“why where you sending my boss weird txts”
“do what love?”
“you txt my boss and I had to explane to her what flirt divert was”
“ohh…. She txt me say thank for the great night…. How the hell did she have my number?”
“ohh I called her from you phone”

the fall of lycos

well they have served me well. if anyone uses my lycos accont dont bother anymore it shuts down 15/2/09

shame realy

Electrisaty

Been having some cost problems with the electric. Basicly the key meter I put money on makes it disaper faster than visit to a fair. On a side note way the fuck is the fair called the fair. Coz I don’t know anyone who managed to get one of theose tings over the block that 3 times bigger than the ring and won a can of spectial brew with a tenner stuck to it. the electrisaty meter had fleased me for 100 notes in 30 days. I almost impressed by how little electrisaty I had used and how much it had cost. Just having a bath cost me £3 in electric. And buy the blog before indicated I wasn’t using the heating as that using more money. And littrly changing it to leira and burning it would have kept me warmer and been more cost effective.

So I got the electrisaty bord to come and change the meter (hopeing this would save me money this I wont know for a while)

As customery with all stupid events in my life it involves a wizend old deaf bloke.

There a knock at the dore and there this wizend old bloke, (see told you) and it tooke my about 2 mins to realise he was deaf.

No this is going to be dificlet to wright because the man could hear me when looking at me but not when he was looking away. It was like a 2 ronnies scetch

“im here to swap you meter”
“good stuff this way, its in the cubbard”

the bloke goes in the cubbard

“oh here it is”
“yep…. Would you like a drink?”
“so im changing this for an economy 7 meter am I?”
“I think so. That’s what I need for my night storage heaters isn’t it?
he turns around and has a confused smile on his face
I repeat “economy 7 for night storage heaters”
“yeah much cheeper”
he turns away
“so …. Do you want a drink?”
“yeah………(there is a slight pause and we both begine to talk at the same time)
these key ones cost a fortune
tea? Coffee? Squash

he dosent seem to have notised that I offerd him drinks

he turns around still babbly about the meater

“do you want a drink?”
“ohh no thanks had loads of tea earlier”

at that point the cat come out and starts trying to kick all the stuff out of he tool box

“ohh sorry (I grab the cat… the blokes head is in the cobbard) you ok with cats not elergit or anything.”
“this woman made me 4 cups of tea earlier”
“ohh right…. That’s a lot…. Umm you ok with the cat?”
“some days I get loads of drinks and some days I get none”
“ohh right”
“so… you live on a bit of a building site here don’t you”
“yeah… be good when its done … its going to be a car park”
“I hear it going to be a car park” (NO YOU DON’T FUCKING HEAR DO YOU)
he pop out the cubord

“ohh hello cat…. Ive got 2 myself”

hes thae for 15 mins and everything I say he then brings up about 2 mins after I have said it.

I know this hasn’t really worked well as a blog. but it slightly more intresting than me moaning that im cold

Night. 11:30. My bathroom


I enter. Reflecting on the tasks still for me to do to the new gaff I begin to urinate.

I glance out of the window.

The window is frosted glass

The cogs in my brain turn…

I don’t rember that window being frosted glass…

And its quite a pretty pattern compared to other frosted witndows ive seen

On closer inspection its ice

ON THE FUCKING INSIDE

On joy
As the wife says…… it really is the house that jack built


(on reflection you probubly didnt need to know i was having a wee..... )

Good-bye 2008

This year has gone fast, it only seems like a its lasted a few months. Not 12. It doesn’t seem long ago I did my see 65 days of static in Southampton then Camden. And they opened with a song called good-bye 2007. Now its 2009. 2008 was strange. Lots of deaths and a lot of babies popped out or on their way to clawing there way for people wombs. My facebook friends list is full of people that at school where im never having kids then 10 years later poopin’ ‘em out. Does it seem like 10 years since the end of school?

Well on to 2009. got my new (new to me) maisonette. Ive put the wife in it and got her cat back. No small feat that. If you read my blog in the summer or talked to me I was plagued by the thing but also strangely attached to it. The little shit used to wake me up every day at 4:30amand no matter what I did I couldn’t stop it from doing this or get him from going crazy until around 7:30 where I had to get up and he’d curl up purr contentedly then fall asleep. He also has a lot of strange little cat emotions. Basically he gets revenge if you tell him off. He'll walk over and slowly tip your drink over. Or claw you the sit there with his back to you looking at you out the corner of his eye. He also is unbelievably jellouse. Anyhoo. In the time hes been away hers learnt new tricks for waking me up. Before he just used to jump on me and lick me and kinda head but me. Now hes got evil. He can now make this sound like a baby crying. Witch kind of makes you panic thinking what’s wrong. And hes sitting there looking pleased with himself. But the worst so far is thing trick. He jumps up on you or new to you head. Pokes out his middle claw. Then with all the precision of a surgeon pokes it into the middle of your top lip. Its like how the fuck does he know that your lip is one of the most sensitive places on the human body. Im just dredging that he doesn’t decide shivving you in the eye works better.

Well there’s loads of shit wrong with my new gaff witch im guaranteed to moan about later. Ie the single glazed windows and fuck all heating. This morning there was ice on the windows. Like a car gets iced up. And the fact that the electricity meter is a massive con. And robs me to the tune of £20 a week. More on this later

Happy New Year

happy christmas boys and girls i hope santa brings you all that you wanted. (if you where good) if not then get the lump of coal you deserve.

my wife is getting her cat back. lets see what happens there. i have to say ive missed the little blighter. but in a few weeks hes going to had destryoyed my my tv and pissed in the fridge or somthing.

well have a good one folks

raise a glass to absent friends, and all those who didnt have such a good 2008 lets hope 2009 will be better.

10 years ago today


i passed my driveing test.

probubly one of the best things i have ever done.

and i have seen the future it is steam powered. ohh yes my new home is now steralised with high pressure steam. most fun i have ever had cleaning.

So all go


I inspect my soon to be new pad. And im moderately horrified. Its not been cleaned in 6 months of more. Dust every ware. Well I can deal with that. Mould in the sink and microwave. Long dead things in the freezer in a nasty thord state threatening to reanimate. I was thinking along the lines of a flamethrower being the best corse of action. The CO. was rose tinted in her view an thought a few hours scrubbing and it would be our palace. So she set to work. Scrubbing the microwave…. 45 mins later and her sprit was broken too. Bless her little cotton socks. She worked very hard cleaning everything. Especially the swastika that someone had painted on the front door. There’s so much still to do, and my mood drops every time I rember being up to my elbows in mouldy washing up. I tried the oven. But that was insane. My next crack at that is tomorrow.

But the worst thing…. The worst thing was the bins

Myself and raz. Tried to sort the bins. Two 80 ltr dustbins. Upon looking in them the rubbish was not in bags and rotting. Best corse of action. Bin bag over the top. Tip bin up. All in bag tie up quick. With bin bag in place I tried to lift them bin. No I know im a pussy. But I could barely lift it. it was about that time we lifed off a top layer of refuse to discover the bin was 2 thirds full of water. In it was everything you don’t want to ever see. Used nappys. Rotting food. there was these things that looked like maggots but about an inch to an inch and a half in size . Blood red worms. Slugs, snails. The smell was indescribable. Razmus and I where almost adding vomit to the concoction in the bin with every whiff. At 1 point raz when over to some burning rubber of plastic or something to take the smell of the bins away. If you have ever smelt the piss swamp at reading …. That is a bed of roses compared to the horrors of the bin. We had to scoop out half and carry it down the stairs to a drain the pour out fluid, then carry back up the stairs. I asked raz that if he dropped in and I fell and broke my back and was covered in the “fluid” then to take my cash card go and buy an gun and shoot me in the head. And to not dordle. Luckily that didn’t happen. There was two of these bins and the second was the same.

Once it was finished I look at raz apologetically (as had not really signed up for that horror) and he turned and said
“im not a religious man….. but if hell smells anything like that then im going to church”

What are the chances?

Well im sitting here mildly annoyed still at the car troubles I has yesterday and the jobless drug addict outside who is shouting into a mobile phone about smoking heroin off of tin foil is only exsasabateing my mood.

Id had a kickass evening watching less than jake, and skipping the line and getting the front two people autographs. And then managed to make the ticket that was sign survive the gig. Without becoming sodden with beer and bodily fluids. With is the custom at a ska-punk gig. Sadly I didn’t fair aswell as the ticket and I was cloying with beer, and other more unpleasant fluids.

When I awoke. The next day realising I had neglected to bring any clean attire, and that I should go home a do something about the stench that I was emitting to innocents. I got into my car, and tried to pull away. To my horror I discovered that my breaks had pretty much fallen off and where making some terrible notice as the car tried to move. And the where eather jamming on (kinda) to being jammed off (kinda). No way I was going to make a mile, let alone the 45ish miles back to some clean pants. My friend knew of a garage close by and they managed to fit me in. sadly it took all day to fix and my poor friend was nice enough to allow me to stay in her gaff and play video games. And pretend that I didn’t smell like a pub toilet carpet still sodden with piss. Car fixed and £120 poorer I got home and did my eblusions. Where upon my old dear phones.

“what a day I have had!”
“yes go on mother ive had a shit one too”
“thismororning. The braeks pretty much fell off my car”
“ohhh very funny”
“what”
“how did you find out?”
“well I got out the drive and there was this big crunch”
“no you senile old bat… my cars breaks broke”
“what?”
“look stop winding me up”
“no my brakes broke im phoning to tell you”
“look old crone, I think its time to put you in a home. You are getting confused again”
“shut up harry, im 56 and you mother stop talking to me like that”
“sorry but my brakes fell off today and your winding me up”
“what? Are you winding me up?”
“no im not I’ve been bloody stuck in Southampton all day with the pissing QE2 honking its horn all day I just wanted to go and scupper it. and the brakes cost me £120”
“well my breaks did that too”

sparing you the rest of the comparing details. But exactly the same thing had happened to mine and my mothers car on the same morning 30 miles apart at the same time.

Either someone is trying to kill us both in some crappy film noir way. Of its just very strange massive coincidence. And that im poorer and my rudeness to my mother means father Christmas wont be visiting me.

But I hope hes got her forwarding address for her care home

Gift horse in the mouth.

The place I have lunch most days. Has a Chinese opera society or something and the fund a school in china. There annual thing was coming up and the asked me to buy some raffle tickets. Raffles I used to be quite lucky as when I was a child. I won some gigantic teddy bear from Texas (the diy store) and I always used to do well in the school and village raffles. One year I was on my 6th prize from the same raffle, and they band me from winning anymore. Not that I minded I already had more cake than I could eat. This raffle at the Chinese 1st prise was a flight to Hong Kong. And I was really hoping I didn’t win it. Coz I was just a flight. And was pretty much set up as a good prise for someone from Hong Kong so they could go back and visit etc. not that good for anyone else. Unless you had enough money to get another flight for a partner or cohort. And hotel etc… so the prise in the long run would actually bankrupt me or not get used.

My phone rings. And im informed I have won a prize. And that I should go to the restaurant the next day. And on the phone im told not to ask what my prize is ill find out tomorrow. Ohh crap….. Not the flight please not the flight. Give that to someone who can use it and that wouldn’t normal be able to afford to go back and see family. Just a bottle of wine or a free lunch or something would be good.

I arrive. And Mary (her “English name”) starts rooting bout and checks my ticket. Thank fuck I haven’t won the flight. She goes over to a box of wrapped things.. and starts looking threw. And pulls out envelopes….. Shit I may have got a flight….. na na more of a fuss would be made. Envelopes go back in. I get a by royal mail size, midem sized package. It’s squishy so basically it’s a textile. So it’s a scarf. But there is a cardboard bit to it. Maybe backing maybe something else. I don’t open it there. Because im sure I would pull some kind of ungrateful face. and being English I try not to do that so I get my lunch and say my thankyous.

Back at work. I open in. it’s a plain black long women’s scarf, with beaded tassels. And a gold plated broache. The attire is for a eastern woman in her 60’s. I couldn’t have possibly got anything less useful to me.

Well never look a gift house In the mouth….. Guess what my wife’s getting for Xmas, saves me the money on the ironing board cover I was going to get her.

You know its going to be an odd weekend when it starts an you almost run over someone wearing world war 2 pilots goggles,who is walking in the middle of the busy ring road.

Then on the phone to the paintball organiser. (Quote totaly out of context here)

“Conroy I’m thinking of giving you one….. but not the balls”
joy

Do they know something I don’t? (wow my 100th blog. still without proofreading or adiquate spelling and gramma)


Blurry eyed I check my email last Friday. 26 new emails. 26 what in the name of Greek buggery? Some bell end sending me junk mail again?. Loads up my in box…….. 20 odd emails about me needing viagra. Ohh joy. DELETED!

About 15 mins later a guy comes in and says package for you…. Is specifically named for me. Not the shop. don’t rember ordering anything ….. hummm..

I open it up. 50 leaflets on hypogonadism. Trust me buy the looks of it that’s not as cool as it sounds. For those of you not in the know. Its about low testosterone and erectile dysfunction. And lets face it erectile dysfunction is not as funny as the name sounds like it should be. It summons up connotations of having this rampaging dong that’s slightly any establishment and drags you around in the vain of quagmire from family guy. Where as in reality your just known by your bitchy disgruntled partner as “Mr. Floppy”. So feeling slightly paranoid and that my maninlyness was being challenged (and lets face it I don’t have that much manliness to challenge) I looked at the questionnaire….

1. do you have decreased libido?
2. do you have a lack of energy?
3. Do you have a decrease in strength and endurance?
4. Have you a lost height?
5. Have you noticed decreased “enjoyment of life”?
6. Are you sad and or grumpy?
7. Are your erections less strong?
8. have you noticed a resent deteration in your ability to play sports?
9. Are you falling asleep after dinner
10. has there been a resent deteration in your work performance?

Yes to questions 1 or 7. or atlest 3 of the other questions your screwed.


1. I dunno…. Everyone thinks im asexual and reproduces by budding or somthing
2. im a lazy git
3. I cant lift a tin of beans or climb stairs
4. im short
5. I hate everything
6. always
7. strong? What the fuck does that mean. I don’t go and hang weights off it or do cock push ups. Or go tie the end to my car and pull it up the drive. What the hell am I supposed to do get a Newton meter and take a weekly average and chart it over the years?
8. yeah im shit
9. yeah coz I feed myself so much I have to lie there like a anaconda digesting the tonne of pig I have just swallowed
10. fuck yes I do as little as possible and hate my customers


well I make that as a yes to pretty much all of them. Maybe is just my hypochondria or is it

now im shit scared if seeing the mrs. And Sunday come around. Hypochondria, performance anxiety tiredness and alcohol didn’t really stack the odds in my little chaps favour. But apparently he was fine. I couldn’t really tell coz I was beaten semi-unconchose and had an orange in my mouth and a plastic bag over my head.

Yeah you think about that whilst eating your cornflakes.

Peter molenux 1 Conroy bumpas 0


Peter molinux should normal keep his mouth shut whilst his games are in development. He promises the earth and then when it proves not possible he has to offer grovelling apologies. (See black & white, and fable). Im quite looking forward to fable. My one gripe with the first one was you made your character look cool there choices and actions and stuff, but it wasn’t online so you couldn’t actually show anyone. So it was the video game equilvent of playing Barbie crossed with dungeons and dragons. Even though there was some pretty good story telling and I played it threw twice. Once being nicer that the archangel Gabriel and other being the most evil mother fucker who ever lived. The problem was . Being so evil I actually killed more people and did worse things that the supreme baddie in the game. And still the inhabitants of albeion expected me to save them. The baddies was sitting there engineering to be king or something and I was strolling around killing people selling their houses and then killing the new people in their house then selling it again. Chopping up peasants and police that had the misfortune to be programmed to run up to me. But at no point did the good folk say hand on this jack of blades bloke is nice that Conroy lets let him be king and get rid of this fucker who’s killing us. Or allow me to team up with jack of blades and do some evil tag team on the land the likes of witch has never been before. So generally being good or evil had no bearing on the plot. Just weather you killed npc or gave them food. Hopefully it will feel a bit like your actions change the plot a bit.

But how molenux has got one over on me.

Basically fable 2 relise is very soon and they have relised the pub games on xbox live. And you can play in advace and win money and items for you character that you going to play. I play good first as the plot makes more sense that way (see above). Then evil when I know the entire plot and want to crush the populous. In the gambling games there is a button witch makes you place the same as you’re last bet on one of the rue let/ craps games. And In the black jack type game it places the max bet for you. One time I booted to try and win some virtual dosh for a game that isn’t even out yet, I tried to plays the max bet and pressed the wrong button and the cards started to deal. I went ohh nadgers and pressed the max bet button to try to change it. and it did! But then I noted that I only parted with the min bet. So I checked this over a few goes. Basically you only spend 150 but it acts like you have bet 1500. so evan on the smallest win you win 1000, and all for a tint stake. So I got myself out of debt and won some items. Because in the games blurb, if you are in dept, the bailiffs come after you. (Now this is the bit I’m probably not supposed to talk about) a friend of mine (you can guess who) met up with one of the games makers. He spoke to he for a while the went “hahaha your games got a bug in that my mate found so you can win all this money” the game maker says “yes we know, its in on purpose, so if you find it and use it you character is a corrupt cheat. The game records it all and the other npcs act accordingly. that’s all im telling you”. I was incredibly shocked that the sheer cunning of the games developers for this. So im going to start the game and my bloke is going to have “big vinnie and his boys” baying for blood and wanting to cut my face.

Hats of to molenux

Bad games

Now im not quite original old school when it comes to gaming. I didn’t have a Atari with pong on it. Mainly cos I wasn’t rich enough. I started in the 8 bit 80’s. When games had life’s and flashed and gittered and kids foamed at the mouth and they had to put warnings about seizures on the boxes. Now games don’t have lifes or trys so much any more. Check points and save point are the order of the day. (and shiny over the top blooming if you play anything made by bungie, ubi, or crytech). The plague of my life is attachment points on the xbox 360. Joy of joys there bringing them out on the ps3 aswell, another thing to ruin my life. No I don’t relly care how high my gamer score is. I just see that theres attachment points to be got and I see that as completing the game. If there points to get then the games not done. Some games are sensible and distribute the ponts with lvls of the game. Others are ridiculous to the point of ill health to the player. One game and I think its ghost recon has an attachment to play online against other players around the world for 8 hours with out stopping. Continues 8 hours of play. At that point gamings not fun it’s a job. For some one with asberges syndrome. (No I haven’t got that attachment. But I have played games for 8 hours without stopping before). In the 8 bit days it was all about up down left right A and B. getting you infinite lives or a level select. Infinite lves was good. Because it ment you just started the lvl again and didn’t have to do an hours of gaming again. And a lvl salect was pretty much a rudimentary way of saveing before machines had memory cards etc… with the birth of playstation and memory cards. Cheats pretty much went out of the window with me and I took a snobby view of people that used them. Whats the point of playing the game if your going to be invincible. Just walking the game. Or just skipping to the last level and that’s it then claming you have completed it. from time to time I still read an online gide to help get pash a puzzle of section of a game. (barring and J RPGS or GTA game coz theer desinded for you to have the guide on your lap as you play)

Then come along alone in the dark. (2008) where one of its big sell points on the back of the box is dvd stile scean skipping. So no one need get stuck at the game. Just scip to the next point. You litraly can skip to the very end of the game. The game is not so good. It seems relesded not finished. But still if a games biggest selling point is you don’t actulay have to play it. whats the point.
If you buy games, then use cheats to skip to the end of infinite health or use anything like action replay. I think your really wasteing you money. Would you buy a dvd, scean skip to the end and then say you had seen it. if any kind of games are hard and I need then to get parst points. Then I think you may benefit form another hobby.

Survival of the piss swamp 1998 - 2008-09-01

After last years ball ache with the boats flooding and the line up witch can generously be described as a cavalcade of mediocrity. I wasn’t really looking forward to reading. The line up looked good. I had been convinced to go there a day early. So Wednesday to Monday living in squalor. I was expecting every thing to go wrong. On the way there I was a toss up between threw town or the super sneaky rout that my self and millwall travel by to avoid traffic. But it was night so it wasn’t nessery. But out of tradition we did it any way. But about 2 miles from white camp we encounter a fallen tree almost entirely blocking the road. A torrent of foul language and much steering wheel bashing was just about to commence when we realised we could just about squeeze past it. We arrived with no early tickets and I was expecting the worst. Then we could just buy them on the door (as it where). Withing 45 mins tent where put up and we had a little fire going and beer was being consumed. I was all good. It was about this time that my body realised it was in a field. Didn’t like it and made me ill. (that is the reading way). And I spent the weekend balancing the about of imudum in my system in proportion to proximity to “good” toilets. Well I say toilets. I mean poo troths. And to be honest there the best thay have ever been. And they have slowly got better every year over the 10 years I have been going. But but public health standards they are ungodly. I saw some awesome bands. Saw friends. Drank beer. And that’s what readings all about for me. Dishing out chilli vodka and watching people squirm is always funny. Its in interesting social experiment in peer pressure.

No I dint go see rage. Coz any band witch has a larger banner saying the “battle for Leeds / reading.” Is on par with slipknot calling its fans the maggot corps. I shake my head and tut.

Will I go again?

Well time will tell. But 10 years and a good reading might be the right time to retire.
As next year I will be around 10 years older than the average age of the festivalgoer. Maybe time to find another thing for us all to get together and do.

Food digressing in to cinema

As I lost my lunch brake looking for gifts for my wife and brother, it only left me with enough time for 1 of the 2 “fast food” places in Farnborough. Burger king and subway. I go to sub way once a week. And its shit. They try to fuck you there every way they can. I have to put it to burger king and MacDonald’s. Their regular and super size or whatever there sizes are called prices are displayed. Where as subway are more insidious. They have questions they fire at you that don’t sound like it’s going to cost anything. The most evil is “do you want cheese on both sides?” what they are really asking is do you want extra cheese witch you will be charged for. There is so many ways that you could interpreted “on both sides”. So rediculse. They also offer. Double meat and a free drink. With no so much of a hint that it will cost more. They kinda just stand there asking you slightly odd questions and adding to your bill of a over prised roll. And no its not fucking healthy its all prossed meat. Its all ham salarmi and processed turkey. All with lots of fat and salt. So no its not healthy fast food. Its like MacDonald brought in those salads as a healthy option but if you had the dressing on them it made them more fat and callerys than a big mac. Lets face it all of the fast food places foods are about as palatable as the united colours of bennetons 90’s ad campaign.

Next I will attack cinemas.

Popcorn. What the fuck. I recon over 40% of that gets spilt. So they give that to you in a pale. I don’t like popcorn. The best popcorn is stuff you make yourself from scratch with a popcorn maker puffed with hot air. I got a kilo of corn from some health food place. It was less than a pound. And it made more popcorn than you could shake a stick at. And I know these place have heat light and Mongoloid staff to pay. But also they must get there corn cheaper. Less than a handful of unpoped corn makes what they put in those buckets and cost a few pence and they charge around a fiver. Drinks are the same as that syrup coke from fast food places . Pence per litre. Pick and mix im from the old school where 1 sweet used to be 1 p. now its buy weight. Measly amount of candy shrimps cost you a fiver. The rising ticket prises.

It not inflation its greed. Its not the credit crunch forcing up the cost of air inflated corn that’s going to get thrown all over an uncomftable chair with enough legroom for people under 4’8” its not just money its comfort.

Why go to the cinema when I can see it at home, why have a coke when I can have a beer, why sit with nosy little yobs when I can have my own sofa. Stop the film when I need a piss.

People are not pirating films purely for cost, it’s for convenience. I hate film piracy. I have only had one pirate film in my life. And it was of a Hong Kong film I was unlikely to see. In the end I did see it in the cinema. I had to go in the middle of the night to some cinema in woodly. And I got the dvd. So I think I made a mends there. If I get offered a watch of a downloaded film dodgy dvd I refuse.



The only place to see films is at the cinema, it such and experience. But im just starting to hate what its becoming.
100 years of cinema, ill always rember that day. Every film every ware in britton was £1. so I went a bit over the top and watched 4. it would have been 5 but I couldn’t be bothered to get up so early. Golden eye, creatcher from the black lagoon in 3d , city hall , 12 monkeys. What a day and what a quadruple bill.

blood ticket machine

Got a bit cut off there, what I was saying about the parking machines. Is in Aldershot its 2 sterling’s and 80 of your new pence to park or the day.

So logically the fewest coins you can carry to pay for this is, a 2 pound coin a fifty, a twenty and a ten. The machine has no problem with 2 pound coins on 1 pound coins, fifty’s are fine too. It just doesn’t like any denomination less than a 50.

So you can stand there popping in 20 pence pieces till you have totally missed you day at work. Spin them, slam them, spit on them. Every old vending machine coin insertion trice has been used.

I don’t know why the counsel dost doesn’t say 3 quid and be done with it coz that’s what everyone’s paying.

2 theory’s on this.

if some one over pays do they still pay vat on the 20p extra. Lot of cars park in Aldershot every day. It all adds up. Is it money laundering, arms dealing, some secret agenises slush fund, or some bloke at rushmoore pocketing an extra few grand a year its only 30 cars over paying that’s 6 pounds a day over a year that’s over 2 grand. I think im on to some conspiracy here.

its total pikey around here and the counsel just wants to rip you off in the most pikeyest fair ground way even before you working day has started. To be fair I think this is the more likely. The counsel is in caravans here.



So back to the blood. bit strange I though and eeeeewwwww coz I don’t really like my blood being on the wrong side of my skin let alone other peoples and having to touch it


Maybe some one snapped, lost their will to live at the machine not taking their 20p and repeatedly beat their head into it screaming and pleading for it to dispense a ticket. There was no body there. Quite glad of that.

Or someone had tried everything possible to pay and get a ticket. Only thing left offering a blood sacrifice. Now I don’t really know how these work. But I assume there quite messy. Also probably best not viewed by the squeamish.

But it could explain the state the machine was in


Or then again it could just have been some emo’s

A monumental act of willpower got me out of bed today. Mondays always hard to get out of bed. Especially when the wife’s there too. It’s like having a hot water bottle in bed. And the rest of the planet is frozen rusty infected nails. Nothing else that’s all there is. Witch pretty much subs up Aldershot. I park up and get to the ticket machine….. Witch is covered in blood.
Another day in Aldershot……. joy

got cut off. will contune this later probubly posted above