My travels …… part 1 getting there

Heathrow terminal 5 is pretty good. From check in to duty free in roughly 10 mins. That what I like in my airports. And but some fortuitous coincidence. Where we checked in was unbelievably close to our gate. Not like the last time I flew and I had to hike 45min across Gatwick. Id been warned that the Canadian customs are funny about what they let you bring in. only 1ltr of your favrote poison. So that 2 cans of larger or 1 bottle Dr. Rutgarts mad dog insanity overproof sipping liquor / engine degreaser. So the choice was easy. Find myself a alcohol mule. Other people I was flying with where now carrying my Smirnoff blue label. 2 weeks away im gonna at least need to ltr of vodka.

9and a half hours, the fast and the furious, star trek, and some episodes of porridge later. I crunched down in Calgary

there waiting for me as some pensioners in golf buggies offering to drive me the 200 yards to the customs desk. Yeah that’s exactly what I need after 9 and a half hours sitting down. A bit more. (Perhaps I was tired and a bit grumpy…. Considering I had wanted to walk out on fast and furious knowing full well I was 35000 up)

“Canadian are the nicest people you could ever meet” was a phrase I had still ringing in my ears from everyone I had ever told I was going to Canada. So as chirpily as I could when I got to the customs desk. I said hello, how are you? to the woman. And she staird at me like id just done a shit on her inkpad. I handed her my passport and my imagation pass and some other bit of paper she wanted. But apparently I handed them to her in the wrong order. And she over drematily shuffled them trying to make as much russling noise as possible. I rolled my eyes up and noticed the big sign listing things you cant bring in to Canada. High up on the list was soil. I wish I had some on me. It would be flying in to that woman’s face. She handed me back my paper work. I too 2 steps and handed it to the bloke standing behind her. She was closer than me. He said "welcome to Canada enjoy your stay"

Please note I cannot be held responsible for any mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, karma, dharma, metaphysical, religious, philosophical, Logical , Ethical, Aesthetical, or financial damage caused by this post

additianl disclamer. any rough genralistions in the following are ment to be takens at hyperbole

List of odd differences I encountered between Alberta (south nr foothills) and Hampshire

1. you cant get real bacon its like the McDonalds round beacon.
2. a short walk to the shops an back is around 8 miles
3. speed limits are painfully slow
4. 3 in 5 trucks/ cars have a broken windscreen
5. there’s no MOT’s
6. road deaths are higher than a lot of other country’s
7. the driving test seems easy
8. the bigger the better they seem to thing that anything small is no good. This rule applies to almost everything
9. you cant get beer anyware except liquor stores and bars (its like the don’t want you to bloody drink)
10.YOU CAN’T SODDING GET BEER AT THE SUPERMARKET
11. there no family meal pub culture
12. Supermarkets sell guns and ammo
13. there’s lots of hair crimes
14. a lot of people are a little too interested in horses for my likeing
15. people couldn’t understand my strange accent
16. Everyone thought I must be a criminal because I was from Europe
17. the 10 cents coin is smaller than the 5 cents
18. at customs they really really don’t want to let you into the country
19.Most people are really friendly, slightly unnervingly so to begin with. At first I though this was a kind of American “have a nice day” bullshit. But its not
20. People do say EH?
21. everything there is described as awsome. (see linked eddie izzard gag) but pronounced arseoom

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0rYT0YvQ3hs

I recommend it. just stock up on duty-free and some good walking shoes

Harry potter and why the bloody hell are they not getting on and doing anything.

Now I haven’t read the books. Only watched the films.

Im going to say right here that goblet of fire is the best of the Harry potter films (so far 2 to go etc) I liked the way there was this wizard tournament and there was some hidden malevolent forces twisting the result ect. There was a good bit of mystery to it ete.

And the first films where like that to. Since then its all been the bloody same. Ohh yeah voldermort is about (someware…. Wooo isn’t that spooky) and that’s about it. there’s a evil teacher that was basically a bitch from garage hill making kids self-harm. I honestly don’t think that warranted a 2-hour film. Now since goblet of fire they have known that voldermot bin laden has been kicking about someware. And hes got some crazed bird that’s married to tim burton cackling like a pantomime villain doing his bidding. Theres a few others and they are basically indcated because of the music and make-up that accompanies them. Now lets take a guess and say there 20 or so of these death eaters. Now guessing here there must be 1000 people at hogwarts. And we know from goblet of fire theres another 2 schools. So roughly 3000 magic users. 2 parents per kid. 6000 some can not have magic parents so roughly 4000 magic users. There must be magic users without kids or with kids too young for the school system. So im reckoning form my poorly worked out guesses there must be 10000 adult magic users. 10000 vs 20 death eathers and voldermort bin laden.

So why the fuck do low rent gandalf and specky potter (who lets face it get his ass kicked ever step of the way) go off on ther bloody own to cave where they know there gonna be bad stuff. To drink some black goo and be attacked by golem clones from lord of the rings. And whilst im thinking of rip offs the luck potion it was dangerously close to coping red dwarf there…. But then desided to just make harry potter buzzing his titts of. And then jim brordbent just got pissed and told him anyway. Yeah that was lucky.

Now for the remaing 5 hours that I have to wait a year or so for (to be dragged to buy the wife) he’s going to be hunting for the remaing objects wopt de bloody doo. Not some appointed magic used task force. A schoolboy. And I really crap one at that.

In short.

All very well and good not knowing about evil force twisting things from behind closed doors. Now they know about evil why the hell are they sitting with their thumbs up there butts sending schoolboys off to get half drowned buy low rent golem clones

Hotter than hell sweatier than satans jock strap.

I have “commandeered” some fans from work that only have a moderate chance of bursting into flames. Thus defeating the object of them really. But short of putting myself in the fridge I really dint know what to do. My house was obviously designed by thermos. When its cold there’s ice in my house and its actually warmer outside. When it’s hot my house leaches all the heat from the world and stores it inside. Yah I live in a flask.

Well im arranging these fans to mainly point at my side of the sofa. And not the wife’s but make it look like they are mainly pointing at her. She come home and says the cat looks hot.

“The cat looks hot” (she I told you she said that)
“na babe hes fine…. Help me aim these fans at my cods”
she flicks me some disapproving look…. The one I get 90% of the day. “I think wee should bath him to cool him down”

at this point I have a flashback ‘nam stile to the horror before

the was no getting around it she was going to dunk the cat. And I had to be there to make the cat think it was my doing. So any reparations would be down to me.
5 mins later I was standing with a soggy cat and my blood on the wrong side of my skin

“Harry….. Wake up”
“uuuuuuuurrrrgggghhh….????”
“Wake up….” She hits me
“ahhhh bloody hell what woman?”
“The cat looks ill”
“What?”
“Alfie doesn’t look very well”
“hes a cat hes all hairy and evil how can you tell”
“He just doesn’t look very well”
“HE IS BLOODY FINE”

as the last syllable is said the cat spectacularly projective vomits

A told you so face appears on the wife’s face

“See I told you he was ok” I add for comedy effect

The cat then sidesteps and vomits again.

“Ok ill call the vet”

5 am i'm engrossed in a lucid dream the like of witch I haven’t experienced in years. I’m blissfully unaware of what its about to happen as an intruder silently and stethaly creeps into my room. In the half-light he must have mistaken witch end of the bed I was sleeping or he intended to wake me, the answer to this I will never know. He rains down an attack on my foot. My dream is replaced by white agony then confusion. He’s hurt me enough to wake me but not incapacitate me. I’m confused and my eyes haven’t adjusted to the light. I raise my left arm to defend myself and he attacks with all his might. In the maelstrom my arm takes the full force of his attack, some how though if manage to knock him to the floor. My eyes just about adjust as my eyes meet his. His next attack is quick. Quicker then I could possibly expect. I feel the flesh of my cheek parting. All I can reach is the pillow I swing hard. Somehow it connects well and he is halted in his attack on my face. He tumbles to the floor again. But has time to correct his fall and lands neatly. He looks at me. I feel the blood running down my cheek. His message is delivered. He lets out a satisfied meaow, turns flicks his tail and is gone into the darkness.

Eurovision and bathing the cat.

So no wogan…. I had my doubts weather it would still have the magic. When it was announced I was confident he was the logical choice. The boy did good. He added a level of bitchyness to proceedings. The drinking game rules change every year mainly because we get so wasted they go out the window and no once can rember them. This year the wife was ill so I had to drive her home so no gin and relentless for me. This was possibly a blessing in descise as I think gin and relentless could have killed me…. Or would have done some serous tinkering with my digestive tract that the maintenance men at sothernwater would not have thanked me for. The people in charge of making up the rules said. Drink at power grabs, shaven chests, bitchy comments, campness etc….. then when it gets to the scoring drink for every point England gets. In prevose years this was a bit of relief at our nil points. This year I think they drank 171 times at out 5th place. 171 drinks for the melted paedophile walrus face of sir Andrew Lloyd Webber.

The mrs wanted to bath the cat. She said she’s always wanted too and id always wanted to reseve a rususative procedure. So angering an animal with teeth and claws seemed the logical choice and chelle said I should expect at the very least a blood transfusion.

I have to say the cat wasn’t best please at the whole affair but he didn’t try to kill us. No one got injured witch was a shock as I was hoping I would be so hurt it would get me out of my Sunday afternoon washing up chore. “Sorry love you’ll have to do it I need to go to A&E and get my hand put back on”

the say a picture speeks athousand words.... and it probubly will in my prossicutions case at my animal crulty trial

he was suspisious i took his collur off

lured him in with a duck

he sat there and took it like a man

alfie mid shake teh watter off like a dog

he's a hairy liittle beast

some more noncence cartoons ive beein commisioned to make

I think someone is trying to subvertly mock me by taking signs from the near by road works and place them faceing into my shop window at my desk.
The signs read ……SLOW

Cat shit

When we moved into “our” new gaff it was immediately taken over by the wife and alfie. With all my interior design suggestion immediately dismissed with a thin smile a chuckle… pat on the head and a suggestion like. “that’s lovely but ive already got that sorted out hows about you go and set up the telly.”

So with no power to veto the ca litter tray goes next to the bath. (Probably where I would have put it to…. But that’s not the point). So it leaves me in this situation.

Sitting in the bath thinking about the horrors of work
The cat comes in cherps his little cat greeting, and looks at me a little too long as if to say, you going to get out now? Then he breaks eye contact with a little cat sigh and goes to his tray. Where he locates a spot, refused to make eyecontct with me. The same way any men do in a communal lavatory do. And makes a puffing out his cheeks thrutching face.

Now his poopy stinks …… properly stinks … makes your eyes burn….. its probably all that Guinness and pork scratchings im feeding him on the sly.

Then he's done

But no he doesn’t leave it in the tray for me to quickly bad tag and launch out the window. He starts kicking it about the bathroom it what I suppose in his little feline brain is helping me out. the little twit kicks all of it behind him. Then turns around to see it all over the place. The thinks that will never do. And starts kicking it all in the other direction. With me flailing around in the bath trying to stop him.

To be honest ive looked better.

My curse

Im pretty sure iv mentioned this before. But I have mechanics and cars and everything. When ever I take my car to anyware to get fixed . they fix something that doesn’t need fixing and ignore what I asked them to do…. Or 10 mins later if falls off my car. Or I get ripped off. They just generally fuck up and don’t do the work and over charge me


Monday I phone up. And ask for my car to be serviced and mot’ed. And tell them that the windscreen washer pump needs replacing and that my boot lock has broken and needs replacing.

Then on leaving my car today. I say this is the things that need doing windscreen washer pump and the boot lock. Coz they are mot fails arnt they? Bloke checks it written in the book and takes my key.


Few hours later I get a phone call. Sorry sir your car has failed its mot.

The windscreen washers don’t work and we cant open the boot to get at the spare wheel. Both mot failures


BUNCH OF CUNTS

MY PHONE BEEPS WITH A NEW TXT AT AROUND MIDNIGHT

“I am home safe and sound thanx 4 a fab nightx”

I REPLY “my plesure. Not sure im the person u ment to txt. And I defnatlywasnt out with anyone tonight but glad your safe”

(id mostly been sitting in my pants playing xbox and eating a kabab)

“Thanx 4 gud thoughts but I guessi have the wrong number 4 the person I wanted!”

“So you worked who you where with then? Hope you haven’t been ‘flert diverted’ or what ever them kids call it”

yeah yeah I thought I was being so funny…. Next day carly comes home from work.

“why where you sending my boss weird txts”
“do what love?”
“you txt my boss and I had to explane to her what flirt divert was”
“ohh…. She txt me say thank for the great night…. How the hell did she have my number?”
“ohh I called her from you phone”

the fall of lycos

well they have served me well. if anyone uses my lycos accont dont bother anymore it shuts down 15/2/09

shame realy

Electrisaty

Been having some cost problems with the electric. Basicly the key meter I put money on makes it disaper faster than visit to a fair. On a side note way the fuck is the fair called the fair. Coz I don’t know anyone who managed to get one of theose tings over the block that 3 times bigger than the ring and won a can of spectial brew with a tenner stuck to it. the electrisaty meter had fleased me for 100 notes in 30 days. I almost impressed by how little electrisaty I had used and how much it had cost. Just having a bath cost me £3 in electric. And buy the blog before indicated I wasn’t using the heating as that using more money. And littrly changing it to leira and burning it would have kept me warmer and been more cost effective.

So I got the electrisaty bord to come and change the meter (hopeing this would save me money this I wont know for a while)

As customery with all stupid events in my life it involves a wizend old deaf bloke.

There a knock at the dore and there this wizend old bloke, (see told you) and it tooke my about 2 mins to realise he was deaf.

No this is going to be dificlet to wright because the man could hear me when looking at me but not when he was looking away. It was like a 2 ronnies scetch

“im here to swap you meter”
“good stuff this way, its in the cubbard”

the bloke goes in the cubbard

“oh here it is”
“yep…. Would you like a drink?”
“so im changing this for an economy 7 meter am I?”
“I think so. That’s what I need for my night storage heaters isn’t it?
he turns around and has a confused smile on his face
I repeat “economy 7 for night storage heaters”
“yeah much cheeper”
he turns away
“so …. Do you want a drink?”
“yeah………(there is a slight pause and we both begine to talk at the same time)
these key ones cost a fortune
tea? Coffee? Squash

he dosent seem to have notised that I offerd him drinks

he turns around still babbly about the meater

“do you want a drink?”
“ohh no thanks had loads of tea earlier”

at that point the cat come out and starts trying to kick all the stuff out of he tool box

“ohh sorry (I grab the cat… the blokes head is in the cobbard) you ok with cats not elergit or anything.”
“this woman made me 4 cups of tea earlier”
“ohh right…. That’s a lot…. Umm you ok with the cat?”
“some days I get loads of drinks and some days I get none”
“ohh right”
“so… you live on a bit of a building site here don’t you”
“yeah… be good when its done … its going to be a car park”
“I hear it going to be a car park” (NO YOU DON’T FUCKING HEAR DO YOU)
he pop out the cubord

“ohh hello cat…. Ive got 2 myself”

hes thae for 15 mins and everything I say he then brings up about 2 mins after I have said it.

I know this hasn’t really worked well as a blog. but it slightly more intresting than me moaning that im cold

Night. 11:30. My bathroom


I enter. Reflecting on the tasks still for me to do to the new gaff I begin to urinate.

I glance out of the window.

The window is frosted glass

The cogs in my brain turn…

I don’t rember that window being frosted glass…

And its quite a pretty pattern compared to other frosted witndows ive seen

On closer inspection its ice

ON THE FUCKING INSIDE

On joy
As the wife says…… it really is the house that jack built


(on reflection you probubly didnt need to know i was having a wee..... )

Good-bye 2008

This year has gone fast, it only seems like a its lasted a few months. Not 12. It doesn’t seem long ago I did my see 65 days of static in Southampton then Camden. And they opened with a song called good-bye 2007. Now its 2009. 2008 was strange. Lots of deaths and a lot of babies popped out or on their way to clawing there way for people wombs. My facebook friends list is full of people that at school where im never having kids then 10 years later poopin’ ‘em out. Does it seem like 10 years since the end of school?

Well on to 2009. got my new (new to me) maisonette. Ive put the wife in it and got her cat back. No small feat that. If you read my blog in the summer or talked to me I was plagued by the thing but also strangely attached to it. The little shit used to wake me up every day at 4:30amand no matter what I did I couldn’t stop it from doing this or get him from going crazy until around 7:30 where I had to get up and he’d curl up purr contentedly then fall asleep. He also has a lot of strange little cat emotions. Basically he gets revenge if you tell him off. He'll walk over and slowly tip your drink over. Or claw you the sit there with his back to you looking at you out the corner of his eye. He also is unbelievably jellouse. Anyhoo. In the time hes been away hers learnt new tricks for waking me up. Before he just used to jump on me and lick me and kinda head but me. Now hes got evil. He can now make this sound like a baby crying. Witch kind of makes you panic thinking what’s wrong. And hes sitting there looking pleased with himself. But the worst so far is thing trick. He jumps up on you or new to you head. Pokes out his middle claw. Then with all the precision of a surgeon pokes it into the middle of your top lip. Its like how the fuck does he know that your lip is one of the most sensitive places on the human body. Im just dredging that he doesn’t decide shivving you in the eye works better.

Well there’s loads of shit wrong with my new gaff witch im guaranteed to moan about later. Ie the single glazed windows and fuck all heating. This morning there was ice on the windows. Like a car gets iced up. And the fact that the electricity meter is a massive con. And robs me to the tune of £20 a week. More on this later

Happy New Year

happy christmas boys and girls i hope santa brings you all that you wanted. (if you where good) if not then get the lump of coal you deserve.

my wife is getting her cat back. lets see what happens there. i have to say ive missed the little blighter. but in a few weeks hes going to had destryoyed my my tv and pissed in the fridge or somthing.

well have a good one folks

raise a glass to absent friends, and all those who didnt have such a good 2008 lets hope 2009 will be better.

10 years ago today


i passed my driveing test.

probubly one of the best things i have ever done.

and i have seen the future it is steam powered. ohh yes my new home is now steralised with high pressure steam. most fun i have ever had cleaning.

So all go


I inspect my soon to be new pad. And im moderately horrified. Its not been cleaned in 6 months of more. Dust every ware. Well I can deal with that. Mould in the sink and microwave. Long dead things in the freezer in a nasty thord state threatening to reanimate. I was thinking along the lines of a flamethrower being the best corse of action. The CO. was rose tinted in her view an thought a few hours scrubbing and it would be our palace. So she set to work. Scrubbing the microwave…. 45 mins later and her sprit was broken too. Bless her little cotton socks. She worked very hard cleaning everything. Especially the swastika that someone had painted on the front door. There’s so much still to do, and my mood drops every time I rember being up to my elbows in mouldy washing up. I tried the oven. But that was insane. My next crack at that is tomorrow.

But the worst thing…. The worst thing was the bins

Myself and raz. Tried to sort the bins. Two 80 ltr dustbins. Upon looking in them the rubbish was not in bags and rotting. Best corse of action. Bin bag over the top. Tip bin up. All in bag tie up quick. With bin bag in place I tried to lift them bin. No I know im a pussy. But I could barely lift it. it was about that time we lifed off a top layer of refuse to discover the bin was 2 thirds full of water. In it was everything you don’t want to ever see. Used nappys. Rotting food. there was these things that looked like maggots but about an inch to an inch and a half in size . Blood red worms. Slugs, snails. The smell was indescribable. Razmus and I where almost adding vomit to the concoction in the bin with every whiff. At 1 point raz when over to some burning rubber of plastic or something to take the smell of the bins away. If you have ever smelt the piss swamp at reading …. That is a bed of roses compared to the horrors of the bin. We had to scoop out half and carry it down the stairs to a drain the pour out fluid, then carry back up the stairs. I asked raz that if he dropped in and I fell and broke my back and was covered in the “fluid” then to take my cash card go and buy an gun and shoot me in the head. And to not dordle. Luckily that didn’t happen. There was two of these bins and the second was the same.

Once it was finished I look at raz apologetically (as had not really signed up for that horror) and he turned and said
“im not a religious man….. but if hell smells anything like that then im going to church”

What are the chances?

Well im sitting here mildly annoyed still at the car troubles I has yesterday and the jobless drug addict outside who is shouting into a mobile phone about smoking heroin off of tin foil is only exsasabateing my mood.

Id had a kickass evening watching less than jake, and skipping the line and getting the front two people autographs. And then managed to make the ticket that was sign survive the gig. Without becoming sodden with beer and bodily fluids. With is the custom at a ska-punk gig. Sadly I didn’t fair aswell as the ticket and I was cloying with beer, and other more unpleasant fluids.

When I awoke. The next day realising I had neglected to bring any clean attire, and that I should go home a do something about the stench that I was emitting to innocents. I got into my car, and tried to pull away. To my horror I discovered that my breaks had pretty much fallen off and where making some terrible notice as the car tried to move. And the where eather jamming on (kinda) to being jammed off (kinda). No way I was going to make a mile, let alone the 45ish miles back to some clean pants. My friend knew of a garage close by and they managed to fit me in. sadly it took all day to fix and my poor friend was nice enough to allow me to stay in her gaff and play video games. And pretend that I didn’t smell like a pub toilet carpet still sodden with piss. Car fixed and £120 poorer I got home and did my eblusions. Where upon my old dear phones.

“what a day I have had!”
“yes go on mother ive had a shit one too”
“thismororning. The braeks pretty much fell off my car”
“ohhh very funny”
“what”
“how did you find out?”
“well I got out the drive and there was this big crunch”
“no you senile old bat… my cars breaks broke”
“what?”
“look stop winding me up”
“no my brakes broke im phoning to tell you”
“look old crone, I think its time to put you in a home. You are getting confused again”
“shut up harry, im 56 and you mother stop talking to me like that”
“sorry but my brakes fell off today and your winding me up”
“what? Are you winding me up?”
“no im not I’ve been bloody stuck in Southampton all day with the pissing QE2 honking its horn all day I just wanted to go and scupper it. and the brakes cost me £120”
“well my breaks did that too”

sparing you the rest of the comparing details. But exactly the same thing had happened to mine and my mothers car on the same morning 30 miles apart at the same time.

Either someone is trying to kill us both in some crappy film noir way. Of its just very strange massive coincidence. And that im poorer and my rudeness to my mother means father Christmas wont be visiting me.

But I hope hes got her forwarding address for her care home

Gift horse in the mouth.

The place I have lunch most days. Has a Chinese opera society or something and the fund a school in china. There annual thing was coming up and the asked me to buy some raffle tickets. Raffles I used to be quite lucky as when I was a child. I won some gigantic teddy bear from Texas (the diy store) and I always used to do well in the school and village raffles. One year I was on my 6th prize from the same raffle, and they band me from winning anymore. Not that I minded I already had more cake than I could eat. This raffle at the Chinese 1st prise was a flight to Hong Kong. And I was really hoping I didn’t win it. Coz I was just a flight. And was pretty much set up as a good prise for someone from Hong Kong so they could go back and visit etc. not that good for anyone else. Unless you had enough money to get another flight for a partner or cohort. And hotel etc… so the prise in the long run would actually bankrupt me or not get used.

My phone rings. And im informed I have won a prize. And that I should go to the restaurant the next day. And on the phone im told not to ask what my prize is ill find out tomorrow. Ohh crap….. Not the flight please not the flight. Give that to someone who can use it and that wouldn’t normal be able to afford to go back and see family. Just a bottle of wine or a free lunch or something would be good.

I arrive. And Mary (her “English name”) starts rooting bout and checks my ticket. Thank fuck I haven’t won the flight. She goes over to a box of wrapped things.. and starts looking threw. And pulls out envelopes….. Shit I may have got a flight….. na na more of a fuss would be made. Envelopes go back in. I get a by royal mail size, midem sized package. It’s squishy so basically it’s a textile. So it’s a scarf. But there is a cardboard bit to it. Maybe backing maybe something else. I don’t open it there. Because im sure I would pull some kind of ungrateful face. and being English I try not to do that so I get my lunch and say my thankyous.

Back at work. I open in. it’s a plain black long women’s scarf, with beaded tassels. And a gold plated broache. The attire is for a eastern woman in her 60’s. I couldn’t have possibly got anything less useful to me.

Well never look a gift house In the mouth….. Guess what my wife’s getting for Xmas, saves me the money on the ironing board cover I was going to get her.

You know its going to be an odd weekend when it starts an you almost run over someone wearing world war 2 pilots goggles,who is walking in the middle of the busy ring road.

Then on the phone to the paintball organiser. (Quote totaly out of context here)

“Conroy I’m thinking of giving you one….. but not the balls”
joy

Do they know something I don’t? (wow my 100th blog. still without proofreading or adiquate spelling and gramma)


Blurry eyed I check my email last Friday. 26 new emails. 26 what in the name of Greek buggery? Some bell end sending me junk mail again?. Loads up my in box…….. 20 odd emails about me needing viagra. Ohh joy. DELETED!

About 15 mins later a guy comes in and says package for you…. Is specifically named for me. Not the shop. don’t rember ordering anything ….. hummm..

I open it up. 50 leaflets on hypogonadism. Trust me buy the looks of it that’s not as cool as it sounds. For those of you not in the know. Its about low testosterone and erectile dysfunction. And lets face it erectile dysfunction is not as funny as the name sounds like it should be. It summons up connotations of having this rampaging dong that’s slightly any establishment and drags you around in the vain of quagmire from family guy. Where as in reality your just known by your bitchy disgruntled partner as “Mr. Floppy”. So feeling slightly paranoid and that my maninlyness was being challenged (and lets face it I don’t have that much manliness to challenge) I looked at the questionnaire….

1. do you have decreased libido?
2. do you have a lack of energy?
3. Do you have a decrease in strength and endurance?
4. Have you a lost height?
5. Have you noticed decreased “enjoyment of life”?
6. Are you sad and or grumpy?
7. Are your erections less strong?
8. have you noticed a resent deteration in your ability to play sports?
9. Are you falling asleep after dinner
10. has there been a resent deteration in your work performance?

Yes to questions 1 or 7. or atlest 3 of the other questions your screwed.


1. I dunno…. Everyone thinks im asexual and reproduces by budding or somthing
2. im a lazy git
3. I cant lift a tin of beans or climb stairs
4. im short
5. I hate everything
6. always
7. strong? What the fuck does that mean. I don’t go and hang weights off it or do cock push ups. Or go tie the end to my car and pull it up the drive. What the hell am I supposed to do get a Newton meter and take a weekly average and chart it over the years?
8. yeah im shit
9. yeah coz I feed myself so much I have to lie there like a anaconda digesting the tonne of pig I have just swallowed
10. fuck yes I do as little as possible and hate my customers


well I make that as a yes to pretty much all of them. Maybe is just my hypochondria or is it

now im shit scared if seeing the mrs. And Sunday come around. Hypochondria, performance anxiety tiredness and alcohol didn’t really stack the odds in my little chaps favour. But apparently he was fine. I couldn’t really tell coz I was beaten semi-unconchose and had an orange in my mouth and a plastic bag over my head.

Yeah you think about that whilst eating your cornflakes.

Peter molenux 1 Conroy bumpas 0


Peter molinux should normal keep his mouth shut whilst his games are in development. He promises the earth and then when it proves not possible he has to offer grovelling apologies. (See black & white, and fable). Im quite looking forward to fable. My one gripe with the first one was you made your character look cool there choices and actions and stuff, but it wasn’t online so you couldn’t actually show anyone. So it was the video game equilvent of playing Barbie crossed with dungeons and dragons. Even though there was some pretty good story telling and I played it threw twice. Once being nicer that the archangel Gabriel and other being the most evil mother fucker who ever lived. The problem was . Being so evil I actually killed more people and did worse things that the supreme baddie in the game. And still the inhabitants of albeion expected me to save them. The baddies was sitting there engineering to be king or something and I was strolling around killing people selling their houses and then killing the new people in their house then selling it again. Chopping up peasants and police that had the misfortune to be programmed to run up to me. But at no point did the good folk say hand on this jack of blades bloke is nice that Conroy lets let him be king and get rid of this fucker who’s killing us. Or allow me to team up with jack of blades and do some evil tag team on the land the likes of witch has never been before. So generally being good or evil had no bearing on the plot. Just weather you killed npc or gave them food. Hopefully it will feel a bit like your actions change the plot a bit.

But how molenux has got one over on me.

Basically fable 2 relise is very soon and they have relised the pub games on xbox live. And you can play in advace and win money and items for you character that you going to play. I play good first as the plot makes more sense that way (see above). Then evil when I know the entire plot and want to crush the populous. In the gambling games there is a button witch makes you place the same as you’re last bet on one of the rue let/ craps games. And In the black jack type game it places the max bet for you. One time I booted to try and win some virtual dosh for a game that isn’t even out yet, I tried to plays the max bet and pressed the wrong button and the cards started to deal. I went ohh nadgers and pressed the max bet button to try to change it. and it did! But then I noted that I only parted with the min bet. So I checked this over a few goes. Basically you only spend 150 but it acts like you have bet 1500. so evan on the smallest win you win 1000, and all for a tint stake. So I got myself out of debt and won some items. Because in the games blurb, if you are in dept, the bailiffs come after you. (Now this is the bit I’m probably not supposed to talk about) a friend of mine (you can guess who) met up with one of the games makers. He spoke to he for a while the went “hahaha your games got a bug in that my mate found so you can win all this money” the game maker says “yes we know, its in on purpose, so if you find it and use it you character is a corrupt cheat. The game records it all and the other npcs act accordingly. that’s all im telling you”. I was incredibly shocked that the sheer cunning of the games developers for this. So im going to start the game and my bloke is going to have “big vinnie and his boys” baying for blood and wanting to cut my face.

Hats of to molenux

Bad games

Now im not quite original old school when it comes to gaming. I didn’t have a Atari with pong on it. Mainly cos I wasn’t rich enough. I started in the 8 bit 80’s. When games had life’s and flashed and gittered and kids foamed at the mouth and they had to put warnings about seizures on the boxes. Now games don’t have lifes or trys so much any more. Check points and save point are the order of the day. (and shiny over the top blooming if you play anything made by bungie, ubi, or crytech). The plague of my life is attachment points on the xbox 360. Joy of joys there bringing them out on the ps3 aswell, another thing to ruin my life. No I don’t relly care how high my gamer score is. I just see that theres attachment points to be got and I see that as completing the game. If there points to get then the games not done. Some games are sensible and distribute the ponts with lvls of the game. Others are ridiculous to the point of ill health to the player. One game and I think its ghost recon has an attachment to play online against other players around the world for 8 hours with out stopping. Continues 8 hours of play. At that point gamings not fun it’s a job. For some one with asberges syndrome. (No I haven’t got that attachment. But I have played games for 8 hours without stopping before). In the 8 bit days it was all about up down left right A and B. getting you infinite lives or a level select. Infinite lves was good. Because it ment you just started the lvl again and didn’t have to do an hours of gaming again. And a lvl salect was pretty much a rudimentary way of saveing before machines had memory cards etc… with the birth of playstation and memory cards. Cheats pretty much went out of the window with me and I took a snobby view of people that used them. Whats the point of playing the game if your going to be invincible. Just walking the game. Or just skipping to the last level and that’s it then claming you have completed it. from time to time I still read an online gide to help get pash a puzzle of section of a game. (barring and J RPGS or GTA game coz theer desinded for you to have the guide on your lap as you play)

Then come along alone in the dark. (2008) where one of its big sell points on the back of the box is dvd stile scean skipping. So no one need get stuck at the game. Just scip to the next point. You litraly can skip to the very end of the game. The game is not so good. It seems relesded not finished. But still if a games biggest selling point is you don’t actulay have to play it. whats the point.
If you buy games, then use cheats to skip to the end of infinite health or use anything like action replay. I think your really wasteing you money. Would you buy a dvd, scean skip to the end and then say you had seen it. if any kind of games are hard and I need then to get parst points. Then I think you may benefit form another hobby.

Survival of the piss swamp 1998 - 2008-09-01

After last years ball ache with the boats flooding and the line up witch can generously be described as a cavalcade of mediocrity. I wasn’t really looking forward to reading. The line up looked good. I had been convinced to go there a day early. So Wednesday to Monday living in squalor. I was expecting every thing to go wrong. On the way there I was a toss up between threw town or the super sneaky rout that my self and millwall travel by to avoid traffic. But it was night so it wasn’t nessery. But out of tradition we did it any way. But about 2 miles from white camp we encounter a fallen tree almost entirely blocking the road. A torrent of foul language and much steering wheel bashing was just about to commence when we realised we could just about squeeze past it. We arrived with no early tickets and I was expecting the worst. Then we could just buy them on the door (as it where). Withing 45 mins tent where put up and we had a little fire going and beer was being consumed. I was all good. It was about this time that my body realised it was in a field. Didn’t like it and made me ill. (that is the reading way). And I spent the weekend balancing the about of imudum in my system in proportion to proximity to “good” toilets. Well I say toilets. I mean poo troths. And to be honest there the best thay have ever been. And they have slowly got better every year over the 10 years I have been going. But but public health standards they are ungodly. I saw some awesome bands. Saw friends. Drank beer. And that’s what readings all about for me. Dishing out chilli vodka and watching people squirm is always funny. Its in interesting social experiment in peer pressure.

No I dint go see rage. Coz any band witch has a larger banner saying the “battle for Leeds / reading.” Is on par with slipknot calling its fans the maggot corps. I shake my head and tut.

Will I go again?

Well time will tell. But 10 years and a good reading might be the right time to retire.
As next year I will be around 10 years older than the average age of the festivalgoer. Maybe time to find another thing for us all to get together and do.

Food digressing in to cinema

As I lost my lunch brake looking for gifts for my wife and brother, it only left me with enough time for 1 of the 2 “fast food” places in Farnborough. Burger king and subway. I go to sub way once a week. And its shit. They try to fuck you there every way they can. I have to put it to burger king and MacDonald’s. Their regular and super size or whatever there sizes are called prices are displayed. Where as subway are more insidious. They have questions they fire at you that don’t sound like it’s going to cost anything. The most evil is “do you want cheese on both sides?” what they are really asking is do you want extra cheese witch you will be charged for. There is so many ways that you could interpreted “on both sides”. So rediculse. They also offer. Double meat and a free drink. With no so much of a hint that it will cost more. They kinda just stand there asking you slightly odd questions and adding to your bill of a over prised roll. And no its not fucking healthy its all prossed meat. Its all ham salarmi and processed turkey. All with lots of fat and salt. So no its not healthy fast food. Its like MacDonald brought in those salads as a healthy option but if you had the dressing on them it made them more fat and callerys than a big mac. Lets face it all of the fast food places foods are about as palatable as the united colours of bennetons 90’s ad campaign.

Next I will attack cinemas.

Popcorn. What the fuck. I recon over 40% of that gets spilt. So they give that to you in a pale. I don’t like popcorn. The best popcorn is stuff you make yourself from scratch with a popcorn maker puffed with hot air. I got a kilo of corn from some health food place. It was less than a pound. And it made more popcorn than you could shake a stick at. And I know these place have heat light and Mongoloid staff to pay. But also they must get there corn cheaper. Less than a handful of unpoped corn makes what they put in those buckets and cost a few pence and they charge around a fiver. Drinks are the same as that syrup coke from fast food places . Pence per litre. Pick and mix im from the old school where 1 sweet used to be 1 p. now its buy weight. Measly amount of candy shrimps cost you a fiver. The rising ticket prises.

It not inflation its greed. Its not the credit crunch forcing up the cost of air inflated corn that’s going to get thrown all over an uncomftable chair with enough legroom for people under 4’8” its not just money its comfort.

Why go to the cinema when I can see it at home, why have a coke when I can have a beer, why sit with nosy little yobs when I can have my own sofa. Stop the film when I need a piss.

People are not pirating films purely for cost, it’s for convenience. I hate film piracy. I have only had one pirate film in my life. And it was of a Hong Kong film I was unlikely to see. In the end I did see it in the cinema. I had to go in the middle of the night to some cinema in woodly. And I got the dvd. So I think I made a mends there. If I get offered a watch of a downloaded film dodgy dvd I refuse.



The only place to see films is at the cinema, it such and experience. But im just starting to hate what its becoming.
100 years of cinema, ill always rember that day. Every film every ware in britton was £1. so I went a bit over the top and watched 4. it would have been 5 but I couldn’t be bothered to get up so early. Golden eye, creatcher from the black lagoon in 3d , city hall , 12 monkeys. What a day and what a quadruple bill.

blood ticket machine

Got a bit cut off there, what I was saying about the parking machines. Is in Aldershot its 2 sterling’s and 80 of your new pence to park or the day.

So logically the fewest coins you can carry to pay for this is, a 2 pound coin a fifty, a twenty and a ten. The machine has no problem with 2 pound coins on 1 pound coins, fifty’s are fine too. It just doesn’t like any denomination less than a 50.

So you can stand there popping in 20 pence pieces till you have totally missed you day at work. Spin them, slam them, spit on them. Every old vending machine coin insertion trice has been used.

I don’t know why the counsel dost doesn’t say 3 quid and be done with it coz that’s what everyone’s paying.

2 theory’s on this.

if some one over pays do they still pay vat on the 20p extra. Lot of cars park in Aldershot every day. It all adds up. Is it money laundering, arms dealing, some secret agenises slush fund, or some bloke at rushmoore pocketing an extra few grand a year its only 30 cars over paying that’s 6 pounds a day over a year that’s over 2 grand. I think im on to some conspiracy here.

its total pikey around here and the counsel just wants to rip you off in the most pikeyest fair ground way even before you working day has started. To be fair I think this is the more likely. The counsel is in caravans here.



So back to the blood. bit strange I though and eeeeewwwww coz I don’t really like my blood being on the wrong side of my skin let alone other peoples and having to touch it


Maybe some one snapped, lost their will to live at the machine not taking their 20p and repeatedly beat their head into it screaming and pleading for it to dispense a ticket. There was no body there. Quite glad of that.

Or someone had tried everything possible to pay and get a ticket. Only thing left offering a blood sacrifice. Now I don’t really know how these work. But I assume there quite messy. Also probably best not viewed by the squeamish.

But it could explain the state the machine was in


Or then again it could just have been some emo’s

A monumental act of willpower got me out of bed today. Mondays always hard to get out of bed. Especially when the wife’s there too. It’s like having a hot water bottle in bed. And the rest of the planet is frozen rusty infected nails. Nothing else that’s all there is. Witch pretty much subs up Aldershot. I park up and get to the ticket machine….. Witch is covered in blood.
Another day in Aldershot……. joy

got cut off. will contune this later probubly posted above

No I never knew you
We where both drunken fools
Enjoying annoying each other
In our little word conflicts both as stubborn as mules
What do you do, what do you say when some one is taken that way
Raise a glass to the ones that are gone in the shortest while

Carl Williams
27.03.83 - 04.07.08

The true evilness of the kitten has been displayed



It did its userwall jump on me and try to put is bum hole on my face when I'm asleep like it does every morning. It was still dark, and about 4:30 so I swatted him away. Relentless her persevered in his evil trying to tea bag me ritual. So I got up and gave it some go cats, as he chopped away on those I hobbled back up to bed. Yes my foot is still ruined. In my error I closed the door. So 15 mins later he was smashing the door in as well as a cat can….. Not really but very nosily. So I let him in and jumped back into bed. He pounced on me. And I flicked him with my foot. I musty have caught him unawares and slightly harder than intended. He fell off the bed. “sorry cat…. But I need to sleep. Lay down and do the same”

Next thing I know there’s one of his attention grabbing “meeerrrrrrp” meaow things he does when he wants me to look at something or say hello, I’m not sure. I open my eyes and hes next to my bed next to my pint of water. He looks into my eyes. Rises a poor and places it on the rim of the glass. “oi” I shout far to loud for the hour. He looks at me harder and sort of smiles. Then slowly just tips the glass over fast enough for me to not be able to catch it, but slow enough so I can watch is spill. Whilst not breaking his evil stare from me. Then trots off and curls up purring and goes to sleep whilst I’m hobbling about trying to stop things from getting damaged.

Malicious little git

The wedding weekend



Clashing social occasions and important events always happens to me… no I'm not talking about the European cup… or pissing tennis stuff I’m talking about doctor who

Yeah what’s the osterhargen key, isn’t it a paradox if he regenerates before meeting river song again…. Ohh the excitement…. Unfortunately doctor who lately looks like it going to be super exciting …. But then just doesn’t deliver. It just seems to always have a cheep cop out type resolution. Like last seasons rewind time tuned into the world network gives the doctor super powers. It dose seem to be the more fun is in the build up than the finish. A bit like how my mrs must feel…. Its all over a bit quick and all that left to do after is have dinner.

Would be really good if it is the end of tennent as the doctor as it would be a really big surprise, that some how in this world of spoilers and newspapers leecking who leaving and coming back that they have managed to keep it secret.

Well I had to watch doctor who on iplayer (bless the internet) as I was a chelles b’day meal. In the very good Mexican in Salisbury. In fear of one of my geeky chums phoning me and spoiling doctor who. All of witch are going crazy scowering the inter net for clues as to whether tennent is leaving or not. I don’t want him too…. But it will make the show more exciting if he does…. I like it when no one is safe anyone can be killed off at any moment.

Then it was millwalls big day. Bless him he was a bit shitting him self when we got there. I wouldn’t describe millwall as the fonz but normally hes got things under control. And it was a little unnerving that he was a tad panicky but it was the biggest day of his life so bless him. All I could do was give him a man hug and wish him well.

What can I say?

Best wedding I have ever been to. Millwall and mrs millwall planning was perfect. All went off with out a hitch. Speeches where funny and clever. Booze flowed. Fun all round. And just to complete the day I injured myself. Sal leg I did on the stag doo. I sit here foot swollen unable to put a shoe on as I type this. I couldn’t resist climbing on the giant jenga. It was fine and reasonably impressive until is started to be wobbled…. Then I went to jump off a child ran in the way. In my effort to not kill the child…. Killing kids at weddings is probably frowned upon. So to avoid this I slipped sideways and landed badly on my foot. Witch is now filled with blood or something. Quite a cool looking burse. And if I stand on it the pain is amazing but I feel the burse squish…. Awesome.

No better way to honour a mate’s matrimony that smashing my leg up twice

The stag

Well went off without a hitch. Trust everyone had a good time. Millwall should get married more often so we can have a proper piss up like that again. I’m not suggesting he get divorced, more have an anniversary stag doo. I think that would catch on with blokes.

Well he didn’t get pranked to bad. We had nothing planned. He just got a quick dip in a skanky fountain.
Then desided It was my turn. No chance, I legged it threw moving traffic, the down the stare of the tube. Jumped the first lot. Jumped the second. I was well away from the people chaseing. Then the 3rd. the 3rd lot where slightly longer. And ceiling lower. Smashed my head into the roof above the bottom stares. And then landed badly coy my leg swang out. Twisted my knee and ankle. Witch generally put an end to another wise pretty good bit of free running in my mind. To the sober view its was some lumbering drunk falling down the stairs and only just managing to escape serious injury. Or hurting the rock and roll crazy busker at the bottom.

I moand to unsympathetic mates, about my injuries. And all was fine. Hurt but I was drunk enough to not feel the extent of it.

3 am im woken by a sharp and execrating pain. The lovely cat is sinking his teeth into the Achilles tendon of my damaged leg. I hop out of bed to get away from him and promptly realise that with out my lovely beer ansetic my leg is nadgered and promptly fall over. How did the pissing cat know that that was probably the most painful place to bight that point and me on that day. I tell you hes evil. Maybe hes getting me back for treading on him. (NOT ON PURPOSE) he has a habit of running in front of me under my feet.

pics are up on the web of teh do not me falling won the staires.... unless tetes cctv footage...

or pics og me treading on a cat..... you sick pervert wanting to see pics of that.... cat snuff pics .... shame on you

CATS

In June last year we inherited a cat. In my June blog you can read how that worked out for me. Click on June in the left margin, I think the blog is called Cardiff and cats or something. I recall it being the same weekend I drove to see Richard herring.

Anyhoo four weeks ago I acquired a cat. Meaning that my new gaff now has two cats in it. I hate all animals indiscriminately anyway, so the fact that I have to feed and look after and keep alive something I dislike is a very odd emotional state for me. Keep the thing alive and happy so the mrs doesn’t chop off my nuts in my sleep and post them to marcush.

Thing is if this was an old cat, they just sleep a lot and id feed it and we would begrudgingly glare at each other occasionally like two grumpy old men and that would be tolerable. But the crazy thing is only 11 months old. And the thing is needy like a dog. If follows me around and doesn’t like going out. At 4.20 am on the dot it jumps on me every day. Waking me up. Only the scenario of telling my mrs that the cat must have committed suicide buy tieing itself in that mail bag with some brick and jumping in the canal stops me from doing it. I don’t this my suicide story is that convincing. I have learnt a lot from the cat. It fears the squeeze bottle of water. I just have to reach for it and the cat runs off. Im still not sure of the effect on catnip on it. I can’t tell if hes just being mental or it’s the catnip making him mental. But he love jumping and trying to shred my toes with is teeth and claws. This isn’t to handy when im doing important task like sleeping or getting beer from the fridge. One thing though. I have found a way that the cat and me can have fun together. With a laser. No im not cutting holes in him. He love chasing the dot produced my a laser pointer. I can make him run in rings about the place till he gets dizzy and puffed out and falls over and looks like hes going to die. I did panic when he did this the fist time. “im sorry dear he ran away” probably wasn’t going to cut it and “umm I gave your cat a massive heart attack with a laser” the truth didn’t seem that good eather. Lucky he recovered and I dint need to get some mains wires and resuscitate his little feline heart.

But this is what I see every 4:20 am as I open my eyes , the there is the loud growling purr, then the claws and teeth come. I took this photo as I woke up with him standing on my chest. And he is that close to my face

Junk email.

Ive always got a large sum of junk email, at one stage I used to get around 60 Spam mails a day, now with Spam filters its only about 10. With the various promises of free hot Asian babes doing the unimaginable, herbal vigra, and some crazy free loan I thought id seen pretty much everything before. But then


COLON CLEANSE: FLUCH UP TO 20LBS FREE TRIAL

Dear lord!!! Internet discount sudo-medical procedures, next they will be offering Internet discount circumcisions. And 20 lbs that’s nearly a stone and a half (I think). You have got to be holding it in a bit if you have over a stone of hobo currency lodged in you. I know I have some pretty bad morning after 10 pints and a curry sit down appointments in my life that have used half a roll and needed multiple flushes. But I don’t think any of them sans loo paper where any ware approaching a stone in mass. They where probably approaching a ton in velocity tho.

My good friend millwall stag do is tomorrow, and the honourable Mr Rhodes and myself with the help of Dr. T Chizz and chellie-bean. Its does promise to be a large one. So im sure it will give me something to write about….. If I can rember any of it
God bless the HMS millwall and all who sail in him.

i know i said id try to do less of these, but heres another strange customer


“Hello can you fit these glasses please”
“Yes no problem ma'am , if you’d just like to pop them on”
“Why?”
“So I can see how they fit and what adjustments I need to make”
“They are not my glasses”
“Right….umm?”
“They are my friends”
“Is she coming to the shop?”
“No she’s on a cruse”
“Right…… well it’s a bit tricky to fit them without the person the are meant for here”
“ohh …. Really?”
“Well yeah. Because I don’t know what the person looks like so I don’t know what adjustments to make”
“Ohh I dint know……. I should have brought a photo”


Im fucking sorry ma’am I cant make these glasses fit an 8 by 10

Carrier bags and bad food


You may have notices all this carrier bags are evening. There killing babies and rabbits and kitten, stuff that every ware. Yeah yeah fine ok they destroying the world just for the privilege of being able to carry my food home….. but I reuse the fucking things. I use them for carrying other shit around. And then bin bags. Coz eather fucking way id be using a plastic bag. So in sainsbry they’re giving away free fridge magnets to “try” to remind you to take a bag there and use that, rather than the evil carryerbags. That have already been made. Used the oil, and electricity and stuff to make them. Or is it just an advert for sainsbry every time you look at your fridge. But when the till tart said have you bought a bag today and I said…. Umm… nope…. Everyone looked at me like I was a cunt. The one person on the planet pissing in the swimming pool. Nay shitting in it spoiling it for everyone else. Just coz I used a bag to carry my stuff in. lets fucking face it its sainsbrys. 75% of the people who shop there own cars designed to cross arctic tundra, and do 3 miles to the gallon. So they will be saving the planet with there bags woven in sweat shops the contravine human rights laws.

At the end of the day Mother Nature will deside when we go the way of the dodo. Life will survive in one for or another the great cycle of evolution and extinction will continue. Just probably with different ways to carry shopping. And a way to breathe co2


Anyhow. Been scooping out places to have dinner and Chinese’s one take away has what I presume is a misprint in the menu. Makes even the most heartless of carnivorous humans pause before ordering

Duckling dishes

the weekend in pictures

it was the esfr paintball. one of the only reasons i ever get out of bed before 8am. the only other reson i can think of is a middle of the night piss. and as of yet i have found no other good reason to get up at such ungodly hours. and then im sure if i wasnt such a prude id use a bottle.

alas the paintball was not to be. in fleet there was almost 2 inches of snow. my poor car wheel spun out of the drive. and the M3 was bad, i thought on 2 junctions of m3 surly the 25 will be gritted. it may have been . it was just hard to tell under all the snow and blizard going on. trafic crept at 20mph between crashes. and with a heavy heart i desisded to turn back. we drove almost half way there before i desided time wise we wherent going to get there untill around 11, and that we may not get there without injery. it was a peril scale of 9. when we got home safly to sum up what we did was go on an hour and a half snow drive on the m25, yeah it was exciteing.... but not the kind of excitment i wanted.... ohh well there always the next one

the guys who did make it said it was a crazy day. the people we where playing refused to play because we where too intimadateing. a few guys do have to much of there own gear. so they spent teh day mucking about having a few games. they still had a laugh.

ohh well

Karma’s a funny old thing

I don’t really believe in karma per say. But I do believe that if your nice to people and do good things, the more likely people are to help you out when you’re in a fix. Say you do something good for someone and make there day the change is they do something good for someone else and the chain will go on, and on and infinite time line it will come back to you. If you are just a cunt then no ones gonna help you when you need to change a tire or put in a good character reference at you sexual harassment tribuneral.

That’s sort of what karma is so ill just call it that.

I was feeling like I was coming down with an evil cough cold man flu, thanks to my housemate who must have been gobbing in my coco pops. I went to a big supermarket to buy some soup and some bedding im not telling you wich one just incase the send there hit squad for me, but hint the sign is green they are called Wal-Mart in America, there adverts have people slapping there arse, and bill baily isn’t going to be there bitch. I got the bedding shelf and there’s some pretty reasonably priced stuff there. Well its very chip compared to everyware else. I know its made in a sweat shop in the middle of some boiling country by children not even old enough to have grown milk teeth yet, but hay everyone’s got to have a job. And let face it ive been with the mrs a wile now. “Honeymoon periods over love” I don’t need to impress her. Just convince her to do my washing. So I pick up a fitted sheet and quilt cover that comes with 2 pillowcases. I go in to the cloths bit and get myself a shirt for work, and some chicken soup as I m feeling a bit peeky. I get to the tills and the ques are extremely long. But people in Farnborough are scared of fire and technology so the self-service tills are pretty much empty. I jump on one of those.

PLESE SCAN YOUR FIRST ITEM
I wave the tin of soup around enthusiastically and the till doesn’t beep. I wave it about the place as if doing a rain dance. Still nothing. This bar code scanning shit is a really hard job. More respect for till tarts now. Evenuly it works.

PLEASE SCAN YOUR NEXT ITEM OR PAY

The sheet, doesn’t scan at first then says unidentified item error error. Please put item on scales

PLESE PUT ITEM ON SCALES

The screen has rang up the sheet, but it want to sell it to my but weight. I do as it says. It charges me 15 pence, 97% discount. I like that

I scan the covers the ring up at some random price too, my shirt come up at the correct price.

I pay quickly and leave with my total shopping bill under half price. The till made a legal contract on price with me there not a damn thing they can do…… I hope.

MWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA

I get back to work and the phone rings but I have to hang up on them, as there is a customer in the shop…. I call back 20 mins later. Hi this is the west end centre. We had a spare ticket for that Richard herring gig you wanted to see. You hung up on us so we may have sold it to someone else…. The guy goes of and comes back. Yep we still have one. I pretty much bight his had off via the phone. Cheep shopping and a gig ticket. CHA-MUTHERFOOOKING-CHING!!!

Got to go to the gig on my own tho… but im a big boy I can wipe my own bum now too. As long as there’s those candoo frog wipe things.

Two good things happen out of the blue….. Two bad things must happen too

At home whilst examining my goods. I notice my shirt is short sleeved and not long like I wanted…. Bugger. And im to scared to look at the sheets just incase there are a single or something and not a king as labelled up…. knowing my luck there probably second hand….

I go of to the gig thing well that wasn’t too bad cheep shopping not quite what I wanted, but cheep shopping non the less


The gig was good fun; even tho it was sold out I had an empty seat next to me. So I could have taken someone. Richard herring gives away free programs for the show, and just asks that you throw some dosh into a bucket for scope. He’s raised £20000, and programs at other shows ive been to have been between 5 and 15 sterlings so I think its only fair to give whatever ive got. I was in row c and there were half a dozen steps to the door. It was quite dark in there. And I needed to make sure I had parking change for the next day at work. I pretty much always have shit loads of coins. Sometimes as much as £20 I probably dint have that much tho. I tipped out coins into my hand with the intention of popping a few quid back in the wallet and putting around a fiver into the bucket. But then o tripped. Throwing coins everywhere. In the dark in a crowed of people. My guess it was about a tenner but ill never know. All I manage to puck up was £2.20 exactly what I needed for parking. And threw that in the bucket. I hope that they puck up the coins and put them in the bucket but the cleaner will probably have a pretty good tip. So I lost all the money I had saved threw the faulty till, got the wrong shirt, man flu and bedding im no too scared to open.

I got home thinking that will be a pretty good blog, hope I don’t waffle on to long so people get bored

I popped on a dvd and went to the fridge to see what beer we had left over from the party. All that was left was Carlsberg C2 witch some cheeky basterd had brought along and stuck in the communal beer. Who the fuck buys reduced alcohol beer. I thought ohh well. Probably do me good not consuming as much alcohol. I pick up and can and sit down. I go to open it but my Alcoholic spider sense is tingling. Its ok its just coz it low alcohol beer. I reach for the ring pull again, can’t do it, something wrong. Get a grip man I know its only 2% but is free. I know you have had stronger shandys but get your laughing gear around it. Na my alcoholic spider sense has properly gone off. I examine the can. Its over a fucking year passed its sell by date. What kind of cunt brings gone off low alcohol beer to a party.

No I didn’t fucking drink it anyway

Sign of the devil


Well the move has gone ok. The room is pimped with all my toys. The party was thrown…. Im sure the pics will be on the net soon


The user well restaurant I frequent for lunch was close they have gone on Holladay for 2 weeks…. Damn it!!

I was feeling a bit rough. And I don’t like eating nice things when I feel ill. My stupid logic is, if I eat something nice then chunder my guts up. It puts me off of what ive eaten. So I eat something I wouldn’t mind being put off of. I.e. MacDonald’s

With mild amusement I found this printed on the bad I purchased my cow dick in.




A Spanish woman teacher person with a black board saying (I presume) “im loving it” and the sign of the devil

I can only presume its the MacDonald’s Scholl of Satan worship.

Some people have had their suspicions of it for a long time

Well the big cuckoo is about to leave the nest.

Bye bye Andover. Hello fleet

Only took me 27 years to move out.

What the hell am I going to do for food and washing and ironing now….

Ill just have to take it home for my mum ever week. Keep her with something to do…. Im a nice son like that.

she got a nice ironing bord cover for mothers day and me coming home hungover wanting sympath and food. im the best son ever

Vans in traffic

The other day driving home I saw an inspired pun. On the back of a van there was “goodfellers” tree surgeons. It tickled me in the way a silly pun should. I rely wonder if the guy who owns the company eather when he was young went and watched goodfellers and went if I ever start a tree business that’s what its gonna be called. Or he was sparshot doing his tree chopping down exams got pissed and thought of it.

On the way to work today… oh im 27 today by the way. (all I can say about that it when I was young I can remember thinking wow in 2006 ill be 25 and in 2007 ill be 26 and in 2008 ill be 27…. Yeah see I was quick on the uptake) yeah anyway….. I saw a van with big gold letters saying “stump grinding” that’s sound particularly unwholesome. It was for a tree surgeons. I can imagine the two blokes doing the tree chopping down exams one all light-hearted and thinking of clever puns and the other sitting their twisting hamsters heads thinking about amputee porn. Its sound like the kind of thing McCartney would have said to his ex….

“Heather im feeling a bit frisky tonight.”
“Are you ok… fire away”
“no no …. Put away your down stares mixer”
“oh no you want to visit dirt canyon” (possibly it’s the other way round mills looks the type that offers back first)
“No love”
“Surly you don’t want that again”
“Take off your leg bitch I wants me some stump grinding”

It’s possibly what led to the divorce…. Maybe she was into the stump grinding that way she walked in front of the police car/bike/bus

I can only speculate


See being 3 yours from 30 hasn’t made me any more mature or my spelling any better

Cars

Well it’s a well know fact the mechanics just don’t listen to me, I ask for something to be done and they do something totally different. So I was not completely shocked when I put my car in for some stuff to get fixed they didn’t bother doing it. I wont bore you with the details. What I was most annoyed about was if failed its mot, not on the work that they hadn’t done, but a less than an inch crack in the windscreen. It was behind the mirror. And it had been the for 3 years. So it had passed its mot with it there before. So I had to get a new windscreen. The original day they had my car was a waste of time and now I was going to have to leve it there again icuring more money and time with me sat at home dreaming of all the amazing things I could have been doing if only I had my car. So cutting a long and crap story shot it all got fixed…. Well that’s a lie, as much as I possibly hoped for got fixed…. The engine still has a life of its own and randomly guts out or jumps to 1000000rpm for no reason. So I cough up my cash. And looking threw my nice new windscreen as im driving in the pissing fog I see a doddering old hag swerve half of the road onto the gravel and flick a big stone up that has now chipped my new windscreen
If I wasn’t late for work she would have needed new denchers curtsey of my 9 iron

Cold are evil


The make me be in pain and lazy

like the phone rings and im like gahhhh that means picking it up , and ill have to struggle though my snotty nose to talk properly...... but the ringing not helping my head ache..... witch is the lesser of two evils

to pick up or not to pick up that is the lazy snott driven question

Today’s story of mild amusement is not from me. Its happened to my brother


He was out bowling with a friend, and doing ok, but loosing to his mate. On the 3rd game the wagered lunch on the game. So my brother with the kind of determination only brought on by free pizza started to bowl. The first two frames he spared, however his mate got strikes. In the next lane 2 men arrive. One is wearing a bowing shirt and has a bowling wrist support (don’t know there proper name) own ball, shoes the works. The other man is giving him tips. My brother like me performs best with an audience (not what your thinking you sicko). He gets his game on. Strike! Strike! Looks over at the “pro” he’s got really low scores. 5’s and 6’s. My brother goes again Strike! Strike! He’s got a bagger going on, and he knows free lunch is in the bag, the “pro” is still on a low score. My bro get another 2 strikes. That’s 2 spaires then 6 strikes in a row. The pro gets out some kind of scope and is looking at the pins, then bowls. Gets 3. My bro is just about the lean over all cocky and load moth (yeah it runs in the family) and say “oi mate you want to be taking a leaf out of my book”. But it his go again so doesn’t. He chokes and doesn’t get another strike. But it ok. He’s put a pro to shame and got free lunch. Cash back! Him and his mate are having a drink after when they see the pro walking along accompanied by his “coach” the pro has a long white stick. My bro had been inches away for mocking a blind guy for trying to bowl
Classic

Well its taken 23 days for something interesting to happen to me. My blog was getting a bit me moaning at customers, so I thought I should cut back on thins an maintain my high lvl of quality in my posts cough cough hahahahahahhahahhahahahahh

Se I was going to write about some crazy man that came in my shop wanting his glasses fixed, but not actually having the lenses with him. He wanted me to put the lenses back in, but the lenses where at his house, the frame was with him. For some reason he didn’t seem to see a problem with this. When I pointed out that when I fix things I usury like the thing im trying to fix and all its parts at least in the same room as me. He became upset. Not because of my sarcasm, but because he thought they where unfixable. I repeatedly had to explain that they where fixable just a screw had come loose (possibly from the old man as well) and that if he came in with the frame and the lenses I could put them all back together. After 15 mins he still couldn’t grasp this simple premise that I couldn’t magic up his lenses from his house. And he left upset that I was unwilling to help him. Well I said I wasn’t going to say all that, but I typed it and you just read it… so I guess I did.

The most amusing things in my blog are the misfortunate things that happen to me. And nothing of any amusing misfortune has happened to me (but all your misfortune amuses us I hear you cry).

Well I was driving to work today on the A303 when my car stats making this whistling noise. I check my window, then the passenger window. The doors are closed. Humm …..Maybe the boots going to fly open! Now that where my train of thought stopped, when relly it should have carried on and thought of a plan. Because it was DEFNATLY GOING TO HAPPEN 3 SECONDS AFTER I THOUGH THIS. Im over taking a car and think he was probably more scared than me. A little dirty red 106 goes past him and the boot flies open revealing golf clubs, squash racquets badminton parafnalia, and the most of his worries my laundry. As im hitting the hazards and looking for a place to stop. He’s crapping himself swerving all over the shop. coz of the passell shelf I don’t know if or what things are flying out. I don’t what to slam on the anchors as I could loose my grundies all over the road and have to retrieve them. (im not talking about soiling my self threw fear im talking about loosing my laundry bag). My ghetto modded spoiler car evenly pulls up. And I go and sort it out. as far as I can tell ive lost nothing. With is quite impressive and the boot was full. Witch may have caused the problem in the first place.

Here to a new year and always being calm in a crisis

Standing in the queue at the super market this morning. And exchange between the cashier and a customer


“You got your hearing aid in?”
“What?”
“You got your hearing aid in?”
“What?”
“Do you have your hearing aid in?”
“What?”
“Do you have your hearing aid in?”
“What?”
“DO YOU HAVE YOUR HEARING AID IN?”
“What?”
“DO YOU HAVE YOUR HEARING AID IN?”
“YES”

It was like a two Ronnie’s sketch

After I had asked the second time if it was me and not the cashier I would had wrongly assumed the answer to be no, and stopped asking. Only threw determination did she find the truth I would have missed. Eather way I presume the rest of the conversation was going to be difficult hearing aid or not

theres a new sheeet cannon song up,

its not a lp track, its a gift made for a friend, but everyone might as well revel in its majesty


you almost cant tell it was made in less time than it takes a drunk adolesent to have sex

enjoy (smerk)

http://www.myspace.com/sheeetcannon

The post office saps you life



I fucking hate the post office with a passion you can only dream of. And I hate everyone and there stupid actions that’s makes me go to the post office. Ive not needed to go to the post office for myself in years. If have only had to go to the post office because people have been numb nuts and I have to sort something out.

I order a couple of hundred spec cases, the turned up with spec savers logo on. (The should have gone to spec savers…… see what I did there…… kill me) instead of me being able to send them back via the colour. I had to wait for a first class pre payed sticker to arrive. Then take it to the post office. I thought, on no big drama, the package is big, about the size of a washing machine, bit it only weighs a few kg’s. Lucky for me the sorting office is across the road. I walk in and the guy looks at me and this huge box. He grunts with a true lack of customer service that even though it pre payed, and needs noting doing to it I actually have to take it to the counter in the proper post office. Witch is the other side of town. I carry it around there, 10 min walk and this box is bigger than me, so its hard to carry, almost broken a bit of a sweat. The woman looks at me and says. Ohh that pre payed, you need to take that to the sorting… I interrupter her just so she cant finish and tell me what I already know. The guy there made me bring it here. Did he? YES!!!! I know exactly what she wants to say. (Well he shouldn’t have). Well your eather taking this box or im leaving it here on the floor… she takes it knowing full well that one of them has to now wait till im gone and carry it back to the sorting office.

Today like every week before xmas , I get the contact lens patents call. “oh know woe is me the stealth xmas crept up on me again I had no idea it was going to be the 25th of dec this year I haven’t ordered and lenses, my life is ruined is all your fault Harry you desised when charismas should be and no your going to be closed on that day” wankers. So in a last ditched attempt I try to post their lenses to them, but that means it has to be done today. 1 week before, or their no chance. So I pitch up at the consignia office. That has a queue out the door. By some mirical all 6 tills are operating. And their was a woman with a bum bag, taking the envelopes off the old people that are two thick to buy stamps elsewhere. So bless them the boss has had the right idea. The queue isn’t helping, coz the middle ages daily mail readers that this is the first time they have been in the post office since last year, are spending 10 mins complaining as soon as they get to the till. I get to the front of the queue. Woo. Get to the desk. There is a guy slower that a sloth.

Is like to send this stuff please….
Where?
The address is on the box. Already written it
Ok
(I pop the stuff in the scales)
They all weight the same, coz they’re the same thing
You still need to weigh them
Fine. (im trying to be quick, coz 1 I want to get back to work, and 2 the guy who’s read faced in the queue looks like hes going to kick off)
The guy goes that’s going to be 109……
I know per box
Hang on. That 109 per box
I know
Is that ok
Yes its fine I already knew the cost
Did you?
Yes
How?
Look can I just send this stuff and get out of here
He looks at me like im getting shirty…. Not noticing the crowd behind me baying for blood
He prints out the postage labels at a speed slower than ice age. Then with pantomime mocking, sticks the them on, slowly and carefully rubbing out all the air bubbles. Then carry s on rubbing each one for about 30 seconds longer than nursery. Then instead of taking it he gives me the stuff back and says I have to go queue up and put it in the post box. Admittedly the queue is quite fast for this, but why the fuck cant he take it, one of the staff has to go open the post box anyway. Then I spend another few mins negotiating my receipt from him.

It’s taken over half an hour just to post 2 boxes that where too big to fit into the normal post box. That probably won’t Evan get to the post box in time


But more fun will come on towards the end of the week, when people will order lenses coz they forgot it was xmas, and either the contact lens manufacture is closed or that they want to pick them up from my shop on xmas day. That when the real fun starts

My big mouth + being an idiot magnet = calling for Andy like a girl




Well I was feeling ill so I didn’t really want to go out, but a few people where so I thought what the hell, a couple of glasses of pop down the mills wont hurt. Bad thing was the mills was hired out. So Andy decided we should try the angel, because they have a pool table. We get there there’s a band on. In the top bar however there is a poker tournament on, and it looks like its been going on all day. And only one table is still being used, the rest are being turned back into pub tables. The noise wasn’t too loud up there so that’s where we stayed. From where I was sitting a say the end of the poker tournament. I count see any cards but I saw who won. A few mins later some kid. At the oldest he was 18 but I doubt it, collapses next to our table. Hes gone. Eyes rolling into head. Some blokes just pop him in a chair at our table. Hes dribbling and looking like hes not having a good time anymore. Then a big shoelace of dribble stats to emerge from his mouth. Quick as a flash Ben and myself whip out our phones and start taking a souvenir snap. The winner of the poker tournament who is dancing on his own, and fallen over a few times, sees this and comes over and sits next to me.

“Oi you cant take pictures of my mate”
“ohh ok sorry man. He just looks really funny hes gone”
“Yeah ive been here since 10:30”
“I ment him but ok…. If hes your mate, shouldn’t you be taking him home or getting him a cab”
“Who?”
“That bloke you said he was your mate.”
“Na I don’t know him”
“Right you just said I shouldn’t take pictures of your mate”
“Ohh I just came over for some banter”
“I see”
“So coz hes almost passed out do you want to rape him?”
“umm… no thanks, but with all us being here, don’t let that stop you”

He says amazing banter a lot, copies all my actions like mimes when im having a sip of my drink. Has a good crack at insulting me and interrupts so I cant get a word in edge ways. He bimbles off for a few mins then come back. He starts trying to engage in banter again. I quickly interrupt

“So I see you won the poker thing”
“No”
“Really?…. but I saw you holding the trophy”
Said extremely sarcastically “Na I was just holding it for a laugh”
I top this by crossing sarcastic and gullible together. “Really…. Oh my god buy doing that it made me think you had won, and when people asked me who had one I told them it was you…. Oh now ive made such a mistake… you holding that trophy for a laugh has caused so much confusion…. I think you should make a speech saying who the real winner was and what you where doing was only for a joke”
“I did really win”
“Yes I know”

Just then a middle age woman trips over and imaginary invisible tortoise. She comes crashing down with a humongous thud and looks like she landed badly. No one come to her aid for about 2 mins (possibly longer). At this point poker champ changes up a gear and turns into a Russell brand wannabe. He basically tries to gross me out. (something very few people on the planet can do) he starts buy say that I want to but one of my nuts in her and I say something along the lines of I think he should have a go coz if I can only get a nut in im sure he can get more in I know she’s old but he can thumb in his softy. This exchange goes back and forth for a while then he goes. Hes genuinely laughing and he looks bright and friendly and keeps saying top banter at me. Andy however says something along the lines of “fuck Harry I thought I was going to have to get up then” I was genuinely shocked. He guy seemed aggressive but playful. He starts dancing again. Wilts first aid is being admistered to the middle aged woman. The landlady is investigating how she fell. I catch her attention and say I was watching and she didn’t trip on the step the floor wasn’t wet, she just fell over. The woman and her partner seemed to basically be jumping on this pubs going to get sued line. I really hope they don’t. The plus point of this was that the landlady spoke to me and knew that I was not drunk. Well I was be she knew I was sensible witnessed the event and knew what happened.

The some other kid collapsed, ive never seen so many people keel over in one pub in such a short space of time.

Well leanna was looking horrified bless her. But I still thought this was all in good fun and height spirits

We where told to drink up, and leanna grabbed my pint and took a massive swig as a point that she wanted to leave, she hates beer

I went rightly dokey, going to go drain the lizard before we hit the dusty trail.

On the way to the look a middle-aged guy catches my eye,

“Seems you have made a friend there”
“TUT (look to the sky) … yeah hes like a skin head Russell brand”
The guy looks I bit horrified and said I sound have said that……

Just as I finish evacuating wee wee from my body, the loo door gets kicked in on me

In the door way is Russell brand wannabe

“wooh shit you almost did me a mischief”
He just looks at me….. Long pause then puts a hand on me
“Ive seen your Russell brand impression now an I going to see your George Michael one”
His eyes have changed from having that playful sparkle to being cold

“You have insulted me tonight”
“Well… we where having some banter you gave as good as you got”

He puts his back to one side of the doorframe and arm on the other wedging himself in the way. His other had not strangling me but just below my throght pushing me against the wall. The loos have over flowed and the floor is almost over the rubber on my shoes. When I was walking out the loo I was holding my trouser legs in a way as to not drag in the piss. So complete unprepared I put my right arm under his. Wedging him almost at arms length. Basically so he can’t head butt me. At this point ive realised he doesn’t need the loo as I try to walk out a few times. He has the drunken look of some one wanting a fight

“Look pal, we had a bit of fun talking bollox… we had a bit of banter it was a good laugh. You have won the poker tournament; we both have had a bit to drink. It’s been a good day. So if you don’t mind ill be off”
“You insulted me”
“Well im sorry if I upset you, but you said a lot of stuff about me…. I thought we where having a laugh”
“You insulted me”
“Well you came and sat down and started insulting me… I didn’t ask for that”

At this point he tried to head butt me. My grip is good and he misses.

“Do I scare you?”
“no… I thing you have had too much to drink…”

He head buts again grips still good …. Misses

“Do I scare you?”
“No you don’t”
3rd try he misses

“Do I scare you?”
“No you bloody don’t. You have too much to drink; I think you should just let me go. Then you can use the loo” (I was trying to distract him…. Wed been stood there for a while, he drank a lot hoped it would make him need the loo and forget about head butting me. It didn’t work.

At this point I could hear a lot of voices in the corridor out side the loo…. One of them is Andy’s. The guy realises its my mate too.

“Im going to hit you now”
“Look just let me go”

He starts to let go of the doorframe getting ready to punch me. Coz im off balance and sliding around in piss, I have to time my action just right. I could get a punch in first. Only problem is my right hand is stopping him getting close if I take that off im going to get a nutting. And a punch from my left is about as strong as having those little seeds blow of a dandy lion at you… and I already had him at my arms length so I could barely reach him. I could grab his nuts….. Pretty sure that would make the situation worse.

So I pushed against him off the wall I was pushed up against. Surprisingly he moved quite a lot and slipped on the piss. Sadly he extremely quickly knew what was happening and rammed himself back between the doorframe. And I had no choice but to step back out of head butting range. So pinned again.

So more talking ensued. I cant rely remember who it went but im pretty sure it was me repeating stuff like we had a good night now lets not spoil it being silly.

The voices in the corridor where getting louder there was more and more people. I could hear Andy and Ben now…. They where 1 step out side the door. Why the hell didn’t they just make that one step and this guy surely would let me go….

He released his arm from the doorframe and made a fist. I was going to have to act. Only chance was the push. I was getting ready to take a punch and then push him off balance. Then make a move for the door hopeing I don’t slip on the piss. Or that his punch actually dose any damage.

“Call for your mate”
“What?”
“Call for your mate”
“Sorry I don’t understand” (what is this that bit at the end of terminator 2…. )I thought this but thought better of saying it)
“I was him to see me hit you and I want to beat 2 of you up”
“Right?”
“CALL HIM I want to beat two of you up”
“ANDY!!!!!” it came out 3 octaves higher than I wanted. I was trying to project my voice into the hall so he would hear and that I wouldn’t have to call him more than once. I knew that they would all come in. it’s a real shame it came out as a girly call for help.

“You pussy!!”
“What?”
“You called for your mate”
“You told me too, you said you wanted to beat both of us up”
He started to look confused and called me a pussy for calling for my mate

Andy came in, followed by the middle-aged guy, then Ben.

The guy looked around at them and weekend his grip. I pushed forward and made ground, I pushed passed him. As Andy walked towards us. I was passed him. I quickly walked out. Best thing to do was leave, so he couldn’t follow and that this couldn’t spill out onto the street. I was met by the landlady and landlord asking if I was aright, the a bouncer asking if I was ok. Then all my friends.

We snuck off into the cold night with another story of how I narrowly avoided getting a punch and covered in other peoples piss.

Well that pub is the pub we go to after badminton….. Lets see if they have anything to say to me.

Im sure I haven’t remembered it all. If any one has please stick it in the comments