WOW MY 200 POST

The spy/civil servant (wink wink) has finally been back. His delay was because he was watching the golf in America and fixing a leek for a military contractor in France. It was something about satellites but can tell me any more. He s good mates with all the golfers. He had a chat with Rory and told him not to party to much or it will give him a dip in form. Hes good mates with Darren but Darren won his major and recons its worth 55mill in sponsorship over 10 years and now can be bothered. Just wants to keep the money rolling in. then he kept talking about another bloke who’s in Aldershot who is going glazing work. And kept saying to me ,”we both know who I mean” “no I don’t” “ok if you say so” (wink) “no  I really don’t know” he kept talking at me like I was pretending, and that if I sent his glasses to this bloke he would “sue” me. He wants some glasses that basically just don’t exist. And he thinks he knows everything about shooting and glasses. And clames that what he wearing is something its not. He was then banging on that he wanted me to contact the NHS and get his glasses records (there is no such thing kept by the nhs) I told him only where he got them from will have a record. Well they have done a runner. “I should put a trace on them, but its allocation of recourses isn’t it” “well I think she went to Alton” “really , ohh I know who she’s with, my father is the ex-mayor, so one phone call to him and ill find her” he then wanted me to take his details. And he gave me an address that was a load of houses for asbos, and down-and-outs. When I asked the postcode “post code? I don’t know the post code. Civil servants don’t use post codes”

bit of a change from the norm. a chat at the weekend about swiss toni made me come up with a few swiss toni gags.

Going on a coach journey to Scotland is in some ways very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Be on time, you don’t want to arrive to early. Before boarding you want to give the old gal a look over, check she looks like she’ll get there, especially keep your eye out for suspicious packages. Then stow you baggage securely and clamber on. Next you want to find a comftable position with a good view, preferably where you don’t have to make eye contact with any other men. Then the main aim is to hold out and hope your legs don’t get to numb

Buying trainers is very much like making love to a beautiful woman, first you need to have a peruse and locate one that you find aesthetically pleasing, paying close attention to the curves, and how puffy the tongue is. Then you need to sli
p gently inside and get some movement going to check the snugness. You need to make sure there’s no rubbing, you wouldn’t want a nasty blister. If its all sati

sfactory get the shop assistant to go fetch you a new pair, you don’t want keep one that another man has tried first.

Playing pool is a lot like making love to a beautiful woman. First you pull out your cue, check the tip is in good order. Get a good grip, you don’t want to over balance or miss cue. Line up the balls being careful not to shoot early and aim for the pocket without potting your white. Pay extra care if you ball is squashed up against a cushion. And what ever you don’t unexpectedly change pockets

 

Using a cash machine is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First you need to find one that isn’t going to charge you for the service. Locate the correct slot, it should take your card willingly and firmly as long as there’s no imperfections of damage to it. Then you need to press the buttons, always best done away from prying eyes. If done correctly soon enough soon enough it will open up and pay out.

 

 

lets hope i dont get a letter from charile higsons soliciters

“I want some verifocals” “ok” (small discussion about frames) “so when I buy them how long have I got to get my money back” “money back?” “yeah if I don’t get on with them” “well in the unlikely event of that, I wouldn’t actually give you your money back, I would replace then lenses with eather a bi focal or a single vision, I’d change it to what ever you wanted” “so you wouldn’t give me my money back” “not as such no” “well…” “… The lenses would be change to something you have previously has success with..” “.. bifocals” “yes, but honestly with the lenses I use ive not had to do anything like that for years, I think the last time was around 2006” “well all the other opticians in town I have been to have given me my money back” “so you have done this before” “ a few times yea. So you wont even refund me the difference?” “Difference? No I’ll change them” “well hows that fair?” “Fair?” “well say I buy a 400 pound pair and then after a few days I cant get on with them you change them to a 100 pound pair of bifocals im 300 pounds out of pocket. So you wont even refund me the difference that’s so unfair” “ummm unfair? Your looking at it the wrong way, that would be beyond unfair on me, so you pay £400 and get the verifocals. Then I pay for the £100 bifocals, you pay nothing and then I give you £300. so in that scenario ive payed for 500 pounds worth of glasses and you have payed £100. That leaves me massively out of pocket for something from the way you are talking you are fully not expecting to even learn how to use” “what?” “well if you have tried all this before, why should I spend a considerable amount of my time and my money on you and a pair of glasses that are going to go in the bin” (he starts to stumble over his words) “but … umm… that’s.. all I want is my money back if” “ if I did what you are suggesting for everyone I would be flushing money and recourses down the toilet, id be bankrupt within a week” “ I don’t think that’s fair” “well how is me buying you a pair of glasses for you that are going in the bin a good use of either of our time” “but but but im a customer” “well strictly speaking no your not you haven’t bought anything, so look, the simplest thing here is for us not to bother”

Woman comes in to collect her glasses. Picks them up. “Are these glass or plastic” “they are plastic” “what? I wanted glass” “ohh umm, (I look at the order) yeah plastic, im 99% sure that lens is not actually made in glass” “yes it is” “oh?” “so are these cheep plastic” “there not cheep plastic they are CR39 witch is a plastic polymer manufactured to the highest optical quality possible for that lens form” (yeah I was trying to lay it on thick) “so are they plastic or glass?” “the lenses are made of a type of plastic” “I wanted glass, I showed the man here before my old glasses and I said I wanted the same” “well that type of lens I don’t think is made in glass anymore and probably hasn’t for a very long time” “well I got these 1 year ago and they are glass” (she takes them out of her bag and hands them to me and I examine them) “they are plastic” “what?” “These are cr39 as well.” “How do you know?” “Well 1. They don’t weigh what a glass lens would. 2 when you tap the lenses they don’t make the sound a glass lens would, 3 they are not cold like glass would be and 4 the lens type isn’t made in glass” “so are they glass or plastic, coz I showed the man these and said I wanted the same” “well good news then coz the are the same” “glass?” “No”

First caller of the day, woman phoning up spitting feathers. Because she’s got a voucher for and eye test threw her company with us. But went to specsavers, had the test, then at the end produced the voucher. They told them that they don’t except them and the voucher is for use with me. They make her pay for her test. She’s on the blower acting like its my fault. So she decides she wants another test. And says she works just round the corner. She claims she never been here before, or ever heard of us, but I find a record for her, so she has. Then says no ive never been there before I don’t Evan know where you are. Evan though 2 seconds ago she said she works round the corner. Then wanted me to give her directions and wanted me to tell her the parking charges of all the local car parks.