I approach my gaff to find my next-door neighbour  (who is shall we say a large man… some would describe his physique as morbid) in the kind of stake of undress that makes me want to lobotomise myself.  “Hi, weathers weird isn’t it” “what? Is boiling, same as its been for the last 10 days” “its been raining the last half hour?” “Has it? ive been sat in the shop looking out and I haven’t seen it” “its raining now! Really weird as there’s not a cloud in the sky, ive never seen it rain with no clouds before” “raining now?” “Yeah I can feel it on my back” then I realise where he’s sitting under my toilet over flow pipe witch is dripping. “umm its not rain…. Your sitting under the overflow pipe… its dripping” “not it’s not its rain” “look” he looks up “ohh yeah, well its lovely!”

Phone rings, I answer it. The person is either standing in some kind of gale or driving with the windows down. “CAN YOU HEAR ME? IM DRIVING!” “Just about” “IM PHONEING ABOUT……….. APOINTMENT” “what’s that you want to make an appointment?” “NO” “what?” “I CANT MAKE AN APPOINTMENT” “you need cancel and appointment?” “WHAT? NO! I CANT MAKE AN APOINTMENT” “you cant make it to your appointment and need to cancel it?” “NO I HAVENT GOT ONE AND I CAN’T MAKE ONE” “ok?” “IM JUST PHONEING TO LET YOU KNOW THAT!” “You are phoning me whilst driving to tell me that you can not make an appointment?”  “YES” “ok… umm anything else?” “I CANT MAKE ONE FOR MY SON EITHER!” “Right” “OK THANKS. SEE YOU SOON BYE.”  Hangs up

After weeks of pissing about with BT. Having an account that’s not in my name so they wont talk to me of fix anything. Even though we pay the bill and the lines are in our shop. Finally they get the fact it’s their error. And say because of some stupid reason they cant just change the name the have to close the account. Refund me the balance, then open me a new account. “Fine yeah what ever” a cheque arrives for me this morning ……… in the wrong name

.

someone up to their old tricks?