Phone rings “hello I want to make an appointment in your Aldershot shop” “ohh well you have phone Farnborough, you need to call them direct” “why?” “Because I don’t have their appointment book, you need to speak to them” “ok, so when do they have appointments free” “I don’t know im not in that shop, please call them and they will help you” “coz I want an appointment for Monday” “call them and they will sort it out”

2 mins later

Phone rings “hello I want to make an appointment in your Aldershot shop” “umm I just spoke to you, im in Farnborough you need to call them directly” “yeah I phoned them but there was no answer” “well there is only 1 person in that shop at the moment, he probably cant get to the phone, give it a few mins and call back” “so you cant make me an appointment for Monday because I need Monday” “call them”

2 mins later

Phone rings “hello I want to make an appointment in your Aldershot shop” “you have called Farnborough again!!!” “Yes I know there is now answer from Aldershot” “yeah I explained there is only 1 guy in the shop and if there is lots of people in he may not be able to get to the phone, so give it a 5 to 10 mins and call him back” “sigh”

I bealy walk to the office before the phone rings again

“hes not answering” “well hes probably busy like I said. Call him later” “ok”

5 mins later

“hes now answering I have tried him 3 times since we last spoke, this is ridiculous” “your telling me” “what?” “Nothing… well what ill do is take your name and number and I am working there tomorrow so I will call you from there and make the appointment” “but I want an appointment for Monday” “yes I know” “well I don’t want an appointment for tomorrow” “yes I know” “well I don’t understand” “understand what?” “why?” “why what?… look im working in that shop tomorrow, so I will take you name and number now. Then when I get to work tomorrow I will phone you and book you and appointment” “you have lost me” “lost you? I will call you tomorrow and book you an appointment” “but I don’t want an appointment tomorrow I want one Monday” “yes I know” “you want to make me an appointment tomorrow” “no I am going to call you tomorrow to arrange and appointment for Monday” “im not sure I understand” “ok well there’s two options here, 1 you can call back the other shop later on today and book an appointment for Monday or 2 I can phone you up tomorrow when I am in that shop and I can make you an appointment for Monday” “ill try calling again” “ok but leave it 15 mins or so because they must be bussy”

5 mins later

“There’s still now answer” “ok ill call you tomorrow and sort it” “I want an appointment for Monday” “yes I know lets stop wasting time and ill call you Monday what’s your name?" "Colonel XXXXX XXXXX”

And like every true great inventor he had a dream, drive and determination. And refused to take no for an answer

Scruffy bloke pushing a pushchair with a baby in whilst rolling a fag smashes into my shop doorway/ window. I look at him a bit shocked as the kid nearly gets upturned and covered in Golden Virginia. The bloke sees me looking. Looks at me like im being a prick, redirects the pushchair towards the road and carries on pushing and rolling

well i have got some pretty odd things in the post, but this is one of the oddest

I hear nothing but how wonderful apple are at customer care. My phone won’t back up and the mrs is buying an ipad. “yeah don’t drop the ipad coz they are really fragile and a new screen is £270 so its not worth repairing you might as well buy a mini when they break” top work there telling us how shit the product is just as we part with cash. “my phone wont back up” “well its over a year old so nothing we can do, you can make an appointment to see the people over there but all they will do is restore it to factory settings for you, so you should do that yourself and save the cost of seeing them” “but that will loose everything on the phone” “yeah” “but I don’t want to do that im trying to back up” “yeah?” “So your saying the best thing to do is loose all the stuff on my phone” “umm well yeah” “brilliant”  apple geniuses more like apple geantards

Phone rings “Aldershot eyecare” “hi can I have the number for your Farnborough shop” “yeah its…” “Wait I haven’t got a pen!(he snaps as if I was being dumb and could see that he didn’t have a pen)” “Ok” “ill go get one….. (2 mins later)….. nope I cant find one” “um well do you recon you can rem….” “Hang on there might be one up staires….(goes off again for a full 5 mins im just about to hang up) found one it doesn’t work very well but think I can use it” “right (I have to repeat the number menny times some times due to his stupidity and some due to the aforementioned reliability issues of the pen)” “bye”  30 seconds later the phone rings “Aldershot eyecare” “that the Farnborough shop” “no this is Aldershot” “well I just got given this number and told its Farnborough” “it was me that you where speaking to, remember you called me and didn’t have a pen ready” “you gave me this number” “no I didn’t. you called me and I gave you Farnborough’s number and you wrote it down” “that’s what I dialled” “you cant have…. I sagest you try calling it again”

A new pet hate has reached the status as to make the official list of things punishable my gun shot to the knee, when I come to power.

Its people that don’t put their items in the bag when they are using the self-service tills. Now I regard the tills as having an unofficial 1 basket only rule. If you have a trolley packed up to the sky you should be going to a proper till. But they don’t. They go to the self-service tills. The bags there are hung up in just such a way as you scan and item and then put it IN THE BAG IN THE BAGGING AREA! But no they don’t the just drop it on the area. Totally ignoring the bags there. Then at the end they think well im not paying till I have bagged all this value horse gristle slop up. Then as soon as they pick anything up “ITEM REMOVED FROM BAGGING AREA!” and totally cock up the system. Take about 10 mins for staff to turn up and sort it. Then they spend ages picking everything up and putting it bags that the could have done as they fucking scanned it. then they moan at the staff about the self service tills. KNEE-CAPPINGS when I get to power

“Im not happy with my glasses” “ohh dear, what’s the problem” “look” (rummages around in his pockets he doesn’t have them with him) “umm not a lot I can check if you haven’t got them… let me just look at your order…… umm its from 2010” “my sight is better without the glasses than with” “umm well you eyes may have changed since then” “I think the test was wrong” “well it was 3 years ago, and it was no change from the test that was before that and that was 3 years before that” “my eyes not right the test was wrong” “also looking closer here we have never made you any glasses this order is for a replacement part for your glasses” “im not happy the test wasn’t right” “well it was 3 years ago, you don’t have the glasses with you, we didn’t make them, they where made before that test by someone else not to our prescription. Infact all we have done is tested you twice in the last 6 years and fitted a new side to you glasses that are older than that, infact if it is even the same pair” “well im not happy with the test or my eye” “your eye?” “Yeah it doesn’t sound right” “your eye doesn’t sound right?” “yeah” “I think you should maybe go to the doctor” “im still not happy” he leaves

This is my guess is to how it went down.

“So what’s the new strategy for coke?” “well sir we have packed up the polar bears for another year and its almost spring, so people at the beach” “you fool half the uk is underwater and the other half its snowing * slap *” “sexy lady” “no is sexist” “um drinks with benefits are in” “what?” “well drinks with extras, you know energy, added vitamins, improves concentration. Like sports drinks” “yeah they love that bull shit” “brain and nerve tonic thing again?” “no that’s to 1887… need something new” “so should we add vitamins to coke” “fuck no, you retard, you know what happens when we say we have changed the recipe” “so how can we say some over sugary carbonated water is a benefit” “hang on, those tubby fucks that drink this piss are moaning it makes them fat. So that means they are not working off the calories. So get this right, make out that drinking it gives them the extra callers to do stuff. That way if they get fat we can say its clearly marked and advertised to give you calories to do stuff and if you don’t work them off it your fault” “sir that’s is the most evil thing I have ever herd” “drink with benefits there own fault that the get fat….. We’ll tackle the dental matter in a few months after we have sponsored the pope”

As I walked into the newsagent to collect my provisions the old bint was loudly swearing and moaning. I ignored this until I got to the till with my purchases. I discovered that she was wrestling with a pair of scissors (her special scissors) that someone else who works there had glued closed for a prank. I tip my hit

Think my brain is going to explode, massive out of body experience. Put my shop postcode into google street view and im sat at my desk wearing the same shirt as I have on today looking at the computer like I am now.

Woman storms in looking grumpy and ignores me saying “hello” “I need some new things” “pardon?” “some new things right” she says screwing her face up and acting like im being a dick, and throws some old mans glasses on the counter. “ohh a new set of nose pads” “yeah” she says sarcastically “well I don’t have these exact ones but I have some silicone ones” “well as long as they are soft ones” “well the ones that are on there are actually the hard type.” I show her the soft ones so she can compare. “are they the same size?”(she actuly holding them both in her hand) “more or less, the closest ive got” “they better be or else ill be bringing them back and throwing them at you” “right well you have seen then, if you want them they are £3” “WHAT!!!!!! I have to pay!!!!!” “well yes.” (what? you where threatening to throw them at me complaining if they where free?)

Ok you really have to admire some peoples optimism some times. There is a bloke sitting in a van outside and every few mins he tries’s to start it up. upon turning the key there is the unmistakable sound of bits of metal that really shouldn’t be hitting each other grinding and smashing. And im hearing this from across the road in a thick glass windowed shop. That van is very poorly. He’s tried 5 times in the last 15 mins each time its sounded like hes doing more damage. But that doesn’t stop him from waiting and trying again hoping that the next time he turns the key it will be magically fixed

Dunno if the guy I was dealing with was some kinda wannbe physicist trying to test me (or just test my patents for that matter)

“So lenses wise we can do a number of different materials, 1.5, 1.6, 1.67, 1.74 at the moment your old glasses are…” “1.6 what?” “sorry that’s the refractive index. the higher the number the slower light travels threw the lens, thus the lens can be made thinner” “higher the number is slower that doesn’t make sense” “well is the speed of light in a vacuum divided by the speed of light in the lens it's sort of an simpler way of representing it coz other wise your dealing with some pretty big numbers” “do you know the speed of light?” (He’s testing me) “Well for optical calculations its normally 3x10^8 m/s (he looks at me like he’s going to correct me) well that’s a slight approximation” “yes it is…. What is it really?” “well it 299,7 something. its just a little bit under 300million meters per second” (he looks at me pleased coz ive jumped threw his hoop) “671 million Mph” (he says smugly) “well that’s an approximation too  (he looks annoyed) So anyway, it’s the speed of light in a vacuum divided by the speed of light in the medium gives you the refractive index, water is about 1.33 diamond is 2.42 but as far as we are concerned here is relates to how thin we can make lenses” “HANG ON! What do you mean speed of light in a medium? The speed of light is constant” “the speed of light in a vacuum is “a” constant yes, E = mc² c is the speed of light” “so the speed of light is constant ITS ALWAYS THE SAME” “no its constant in a vacuum but denser mediums slow it down” “the speed of light is always the same! Its constant” “it can be slowed down” “no it cant” “umm yes it can” “NO it cant” “well it seems we have reached an impasse”

Guy comes running up the road, nearly knocks over an old man as he bursts threw my door. “ohh good I need your help” “ok” he starts rooting around in his pocket. And im expecting him to pull out a pair of glasses with a lens that’s dropped out or something. “Windsor way?” “Pardon?” “Windsor way” “what?” he manages to pull the thing from his pocket it’s a bit or paper “halfords Windsor way” he says out of breath and agitated at me for not knowing what the bloody hell hes talking about……

Its gonna be one of those mondays

driveing to work thers a bang of somthing hitting plastic, makes me jump but its not a wheel falling off or anything. looking around i find a liquorice twizzler has somehow made impact with the dash and windscreen from the inside. all windows closed..... what sweet based torment is this? where the hell did that come from?

Goodbye noble steed, you served me well these passed 9 years.

Arrive at work to find a piece of paper threw the door. It’s from the council. It’s grandly titled “operation resilience” and it’s about re-surfacing the little street behind the shop. does sorting out a 25 yard ally warrant an “operation” …….. if so then tonight I have “operation inebriation”, then “operation slothful pantaloons”  ,and watch out wife coz lastly there is “operation grapple panna cottas”

Bloke walks threw the door wearing woman’s sunglasses, its pretty dark out and snowing. Hes actually here to collect some reading glasses witch he does. Then says “good now I can do my paper work” pulls a big packet out his pocket and dumps it on my desk. Pulls out some prescription forms and a big packet covered in biohazard symbols. He fills in some form and asks me what pills he should have and then I notice the big bundle. The bundle only opens a little but I can see that it has “taking sample instructions” and its not for a sample of the of the old number 1, it for number 2’s. he starts filling in all the paperwork saying hes off up the doctors now. As im recoiling in horror and reaching for my antibac wipes

Some old man started talking to me in the hairdressers. He found out I was an optician. “I used to work at a hospital you know, people where for ever having to have there eyeballs put in” “umm its not possible to take an eyeball out and put it back in wor……” “we had this self harmer right, ripped up a padded cell. one time gutted himself, all his intestines hanging out. he used to eat tiles from the walls. another time came in with his eyeballs popped out hanging down on his cheeks. He was saying “ive been a naughty boy” they got put back. So there you go there’s your proof” (what fucking proof you crazy old git, some made up story)