List of things I am expecting to hear tomorrow.

The myans didn’t take into account leap years…. So its new year its defiantly happening

Nostradumus said……..

The world has ended buy not in the way you people thought its reached a new state of resonance/ energy / cosmic harmony

Yesterday was just the beginning of the end

We have entered a new age

The energy vortex/crystals/ my shakra prevented it

Something about sunspots or solar flair’s

I don’t know why I bothered burying this 16 school busses and filling them with tins of Spam and sitting in there all day polishing my shotgun

Wooop deee fricking do it’s a date that if you ignore parts of the date its all the same number. 12/12/12 if you ignore 2000 years. 20/12/2012 is probably more note worthy, but in the same way any bloody date is note worthy. A whole page in the paper today was about some kid that 12 today so the little turd is 12 years old on the twelfth day of the twelfth month of two thousand and twelve. Woo bloody who and then at the end they said whats even more incredible is he was born at twelve minuets to twelve. So 11:48 then!!!!!! yeah that is incredible(PFFFFFFT)  11:48. bet the little shit is hateing his mum for not holding him in for another 24 minuets and running his big day.

“oi mate, this just the price of the frame or is it frame and lenses” “its just the frame, everyone needs different lenses so its difficult to price things up without inadvertently misleading some people” “well down the road they are dong free lenses” “well its probably not really free, likely its in actuality basic stock lenses included in the marked up price.” “na! says its free” “ok”  “it’s a frame like this one, with free lenses for hundred quid.” “well that frame is £50 and basic stock lenses are £50. so works out the same” he looks at me very puzzled “na ill leave it, they do there lenses for free”

How can standing in the pissing rain all day trying to sell twigs wrapped in tin foil be a constructive use of anyone’s time and resources? I’m not sure selling “lucky heather” can be that much of a money-spinner anyway. Ok I'm sure the profit margin is good. Lets face it the product half of it is picked from a roundabout thus gratis and the tin foil you probably get a lot out of one roll. But I’m guessing making enough to live on is gonna be a problem even in good weather. Stopping people in the rain and trying to sell them a twig I just cant see the stops to sales ratios being worthwhile. If they where selling umbrellas I’m guessing it would be better. Now I’m not a multi million pound business mogul. That’s why I’m not on dragons den. But I'm pretty sure if they went on there and said we are gonna stop people in the rain and sell them twigs wrapped in tin foil they would get 5 “I’m outs” quicker than Garry glitter on there trying to get investment to open a Crèche.

Phone rings” hello im from (some company selling printer stuff) can I give you a quote for your toner” “ok (I tell her all the details) “right well replacement toners for that are £90 but we can sell them to you for £70” “the whole printer cost £50” “right, well what do you pay at the moment?” “£20 from the printer store round the corner” “£20 well that that has got to be remanufactured” “yes it is” “well ours are double capacity” “right so your saying one £70 toner does 2000 pages and 1 £20 toner does 1000 pages. So buying 3 £20 toners I could do 1000 more pages and have a tenner change” “well the print qualities brilliant” “I don’t really care, I hate to say it comes down to money, but what your proposing is silly” “silly!!!?” “yeah masses more money for less pages” “ok well if you buy a years worth ill do the cartages for £45 plus vat and throw in a welcome gift, and also take used cartages away” “that’s still more” “no its not” “look one of your toners for £45 witch you have magically slashed the price to half of the original £90 still costs more than 2 toners from the shop round the corner.” “but but but ours is a better deal” “no its not” “so can I sign you up” “No you cannot” “but but but please” “no bye bye” “but….” I hang up

Bloke walks in, soaking wet, hands filthy, glasses bent and smashed up held together with bits of tape and plasters. He talks very slowly and very quietly. Almost immediately I notice his glasses don’t have lenses in.

“hello” “hi I can see you are missing your lenses from your glasses” “yes I have lost them” (my brain is screaming “why the hell are you wearing them” then but I hold back) “oh dear” I say kinda sympathetically and there’s a long pause with him just looking at me. “What do I do?” “Well do you still have the lenses?” “One I lost a few years ago” “ohh right?!” “and this one dropped out this weekend near a bonfire” (this whole sentence took him about 40 seconds to say) “right so you need some new glasses then” “yes these glasses don’t work very well without the lenses in, it’s a bit of in inconvenience” “I can imagine” (why the fuck are you wearing them) “do you have a prescription” “yes here” “I can seem to find you on the records, how long ago was it?” “7 or 8 years” “could it have been over 10? Records get destroyed over 10 years” “maybe” “well in any case we need to do an eye test if it has been that long” “why?” “Because your prescription need to be in date to be made up” “ohh I don’t know my rights, can you tell me?” “Well we need an up to date prescription to make up some glasses” “lenses!” (There’s no fucking way frame he is wearing is reusable) “so would you like to book in” “cant you just copy these” “copy the lenses?” “yeah?!” “but you have lost them, there is nothing for me to copy” “ohh” “so do you want to book in for an eye test or try and see if someware else can see you sooner” he sits there comatose for a full minuet, then adjust the glasses with no lenses in and I can see that they are physically hurting him to ware and they are buckled and digging into his face. “What should I do?” “Book in, or try someware else” another 3 mins of him sitting there silent. “I just thought you could copy them” “as I said there’s nothing to copy” “ohh?” and he gets up saying he’ll find out his rights and leaves.

Phone rings nasal sounding chavy woman “do you do the thing for the taxi’s?” “you’re threw to the opticians” “yeah I know, do you do that thing for the taxi’s?” “what thing?” “you know!” “im sorry I don’t” “you know, the new thing…. The test” “what an eye test?” “NO! begins with is S (she may have said F)” “do you have any paper work?” “NO! (shes getting really annoyed now) YOU DON’T HAVE PAPER WORK, IT’S THE S TEST TAXI DRIVERS HAVE” “well normally any occupations test have a form telling us what’s required and we fill in” “THERE IS NO FORM” “ok well how do you reports the results” “I TAKE THE RESULTS BACK DUH! ARE YOU TELLING ME YOU HAVE HAD NO TAXI PEOPLE THEER EVER!” I have had taxi people, but they had forms out lineing what they needed to be tested for” (shes almost shouting now) “I TOLD YOU THERE’S NO FORM, IF YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT THIS TEST IS ITS BEGINES WITH AN S/F” “I really don’t know what you want” “OHH WELL START TELLING ME ALL THE TEST THAT START WITH A S/F” “I can book you in for a full eyetest, but without knowing if you need anything specialist done it could waste your time” “ARE YOU SEROSLY TELLING ME YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT” “no im afraid I don’t, if you can find out what test it is ill be happy to book you in” “IT’S THE TEST FOR THE TAXI DUH! I KEEP TELLING YOU” “…” “CAN I COME DOWN NOW AND HAVE IT DONE” “I still don’t know what you need, and also we have finished testing today, I can book you in tomorrow for an eye test” “THE TAXI F TEST!!!!! OHHHH FORGET IT” (SLAMS DOWN THE PHONE)

I walk into the newsagent to pick up the milk and paper, the place is packed. Yep there are 4 customers including me. The shops that frigging small. Standing there waiting to be served, I can suddenly smell really strong alcohol. Look around checking I haven’t some how managed to knock something off a shelf. Then I notice it. It’s the low life skunger in front of me in the queue. He was physically unable to wait 30 seconds until he had payed and left the shop, he’d ripped of the lid and started on a can of super strength cider and was chugging it down. Suppose at least he was paying for it.

“I came in yesterday but you went here so I have had to come all the way back today!” “ohh im sorry, how can I help” “MY GLASSES HAVE BROKEN” “ok sorry to hear that” (he open the case and throws them on the desk) “they just snapped!” “Right?, did you actually buy these from me?” “no” “so who did you get them from?” “somewere in lightwater or Camberley” “right” (meaning to say so why are you here then) “yeah they just snapped, im on the nhs so I don’t pay” “well the nhs doesn’t repair glasses for adults, these glasses need a new front and coz they where not got from me and the markings are gone I have no idea who makes them or even what model they are” “WELL IM NHS SO I DON’T PAY” “well repairs aren’t covevered by nhs and besides I don’t know what they are or in fact who you got them from….. so I sagest you take them back to where you got them from and speek to them” “so can they fix them?” “I don’t know” “are they going to charge me” “probably” “how much?” “How am I supposed to know? I didn’t sell them to you” “right well im not paying” and storms out

Two(ish) word film reviews are done composting and are ready

 

The pirates an adventure with scientists: magnificently funny

American pie the reunion: nostalgic nonsense

The hunger games: diet battle royale

How I spent my summer vacation: bland effort

A couple of mins to 9 in sainsbrys. I join the self-service tills with a sandwich and a newspaper. Next thing I know a trolley is wedged inbetween me and the tills. “Don’t worry, we’re not pushin’ in” says a woman in a tracksuit, accompanied by an equally scruffy woman and a child that looks like it has the early onset of scurvy. The trolley is piled high with junk, for the entire contence of the trolley the equivalent nutritional value could be achieved by eating a bean sprout. The trolley was a diabetic coma waiting to happen. “That queue weren’t moving, so we’d be next” (be next at a totally different part of the super market). I do my best thin smile with my eyes saying, “I hope your brain prolapses”. What the hell is so important that the have to go in front of me? They can see I have the exact money ready for my 2 items. And im blatantly going to work. What’s there rush? They are obviously not taking the kid to school. Spoons is already open and if they don’t get there soonish they will not get in the full 6 hours drinking time before their meeting at the DSS? Late for Jeremy Kyle?

Cavalcade of shit munches in the bank all in front of me in the queue, moaning that the bank is so slow. do you know why it was so slow, not one of those brain dead pole smokers had filled in a paying in slip. And no of them had the decency of when they got there to go "ohh sorry" and step to the side and fill it in. every on stood there with the cashier looking annoyed twiddling her thumbs. This happened six times. The second one didn’t think to fill in their form after waiting for the first….  Some of them even had the brilliant idea of complaining about the slowness of service as they stood there filling in a form that they could have done in the cue. Cock jockeys

Two word film reviews

Tinker, tailor, solder, spy: crawling bleakness

Total recall (2012): nauseating tosh

WOW MY 200 POST

The spy/civil servant (wink wink) has finally been back. His delay was because he was watching the golf in America and fixing a leek for a military contractor in France. It was something about satellites but can tell me any more. He s good mates with all the golfers. He had a chat with Rory and told him not to party to much or it will give him a dip in form. Hes good mates with Darren but Darren won his major and recons its worth 55mill in sponsorship over 10 years and now can be bothered. Just wants to keep the money rolling in. then he kept talking about another bloke who’s in Aldershot who is going glazing work. And kept saying to me ,”we both know who I mean” “no I don’t” “ok if you say so” (wink) “no  I really don’t know” he kept talking at me like I was pretending, and that if I sent his glasses to this bloke he would “sue” me. He wants some glasses that basically just don’t exist. And he thinks he knows everything about shooting and glasses. And clames that what he wearing is something its not. He was then banging on that he wanted me to contact the NHS and get his glasses records (there is no such thing kept by the nhs) I told him only where he got them from will have a record. Well they have done a runner. “I should put a trace on them, but its allocation of recourses isn’t it” “well I think she went to Alton” “really , ohh I know who she’s with, my father is the ex-mayor, so one phone call to him and ill find her” he then wanted me to take his details. And he gave me an address that was a load of houses for asbos, and down-and-outs. When I asked the postcode “post code? I don’t know the post code. Civil servants don’t use post codes”

bit of a change from the norm. a chat at the weekend about swiss toni made me come up with a few swiss toni gags.

Going on a coach journey to Scotland is in some ways very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Be on time, you don’t want to arrive to early. Before boarding you want to give the old gal a look over, check she looks like she’ll get there, especially keep your eye out for suspicious packages. Then stow you baggage securely and clamber on. Next you want to find a comftable position with a good view, preferably where you don’t have to make eye contact with any other men. Then the main aim is to hold out and hope your legs don’t get to numb

Buying trainers is very much like making love to a beautiful woman, first you need to have a peruse and locate one that you find aesthetically pleasing, paying close attention to the curves, and how puffy the tongue is. Then you need to sli
p gently inside and get some movement going to check the snugness. You need to make sure there’s no rubbing, you wouldn’t want a nasty blister. If its all sati

sfactory get the shop assistant to go fetch you a new pair, you don’t want keep one that another man has tried first.

Playing pool is a lot like making love to a beautiful woman. First you pull out your cue, check the tip is in good order. Get a good grip, you don’t want to over balance or miss cue. Line up the balls being careful not to shoot early and aim for the pocket without potting your white. Pay extra care if you ball is squashed up against a cushion. And what ever you don’t unexpectedly change pockets

 

Using a cash machine is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First you need to find one that isn’t going to charge you for the service. Locate the correct slot, it should take your card willingly and firmly as long as there’s no imperfections of damage to it. Then you need to press the buttons, always best done away from prying eyes. If done correctly soon enough soon enough it will open up and pay out.

 

 

lets hope i dont get a letter from charile higsons soliciters

“I want some verifocals” “ok” (small discussion about frames) “so when I buy them how long have I got to get my money back” “money back?” “yeah if I don’t get on with them” “well in the unlikely event of that, I wouldn’t actually give you your money back, I would replace then lenses with eather a bi focal or a single vision, I’d change it to what ever you wanted” “so you wouldn’t give me my money back” “not as such no” “well…” “… The lenses would be change to something you have previously has success with..” “.. bifocals” “yes, but honestly with the lenses I use ive not had to do anything like that for years, I think the last time was around 2006” “well all the other opticians in town I have been to have given me my money back” “so you have done this before” “ a few times yea. So you wont even refund me the difference?” “Difference? No I’ll change them” “well hows that fair?” “Fair?” “well say I buy a 400 pound pair and then after a few days I cant get on with them you change them to a 100 pound pair of bifocals im 300 pounds out of pocket. So you wont even refund me the difference that’s so unfair” “ummm unfair? Your looking at it the wrong way, that would be beyond unfair on me, so you pay £400 and get the verifocals. Then I pay for the £100 bifocals, you pay nothing and then I give you £300. so in that scenario ive payed for 500 pounds worth of glasses and you have payed £100. That leaves me massively out of pocket for something from the way you are talking you are fully not expecting to even learn how to use” “what?” “well if you have tried all this before, why should I spend a considerable amount of my time and my money on you and a pair of glasses that are going to go in the bin” (he starts to stumble over his words) “but … umm… that’s.. all I want is my money back if” “ if I did what you are suggesting for everyone I would be flushing money and recourses down the toilet, id be bankrupt within a week” “ I don’t think that’s fair” “well how is me buying you a pair of glasses for you that are going in the bin a good use of either of our time” “but but but im a customer” “well strictly speaking no your not you haven’t bought anything, so look, the simplest thing here is for us not to bother”

Woman comes in to collect her glasses. Picks them up. “Are these glass or plastic” “they are plastic” “what? I wanted glass” “ohh umm, (I look at the order) yeah plastic, im 99% sure that lens is not actually made in glass” “yes it is” “oh?” “so are these cheep plastic” “there not cheep plastic they are CR39 witch is a plastic polymer manufactured to the highest optical quality possible for that lens form” (yeah I was trying to lay it on thick) “so are they plastic or glass?” “the lenses are made of a type of plastic” “I wanted glass, I showed the man here before my old glasses and I said I wanted the same” “well that type of lens I don’t think is made in glass anymore and probably hasn’t for a very long time” “well I got these 1 year ago and they are glass” (she takes them out of her bag and hands them to me and I examine them) “they are plastic” “what?” “These are cr39 as well.” “How do you know?” “Well 1. They don’t weigh what a glass lens would. 2 when you tap the lenses they don’t make the sound a glass lens would, 3 they are not cold like glass would be and 4 the lens type isn’t made in glass” “so are they glass or plastic, coz I showed the man these and said I wanted the same” “well good news then coz the are the same” “glass?” “No”

First caller of the day, woman phoning up spitting feathers. Because she’s got a voucher for and eye test threw her company with us. But went to specsavers, had the test, then at the end produced the voucher. They told them that they don’t except them and the voucher is for use with me. They make her pay for her test. She’s on the blower acting like its my fault. So she decides she wants another test. And says she works just round the corner. She claims she never been here before, or ever heard of us, but I find a record for her, so she has. Then says no ive never been there before I don’t Evan know where you are. Evan though 2 seconds ago she said she works round the corner. Then wanted me to give her directions and wanted me to tell her the parking charges of all the local car parks.

Ive been to block busters for the first time in months so it’s the return of 2 word film reviews

The Muppets: silly joy (manamana)

Chronicle: above average  

This means war: tolerable, forgettable

Man on a ledge: predictable, average

Not the best of lunch breaks. Had my hair cut buy a bloke so distracted that he asked me if I have been “away this year “ 3 times and if I was busy at work twice in the space of 4 minuets. Then a fight broke out across the road and he went off out side to watch. Then came back and for got what he was do my hair is defiantly longer possibly uncut on one side and all of the off cuts have gone down the back of my neck. Then on to Next to pick up some stuff for the wife, and hilarity ensued where the girl behind the till was unable to comprehend that my wife was a different person to me. Then the bank. Where I literally signed up to online banking and all the regertation and security checks whist standing in the queue. Id done all that and then left the queue before I was evan half way to being seen. Then arrived to get some food and found that they had closed early as they where quiet. So no food

In short, look like ive cut my own hair, itching like crazy, and hungry. evan mannaged to get hair in my eyes