two nutters so far today

Had an odd phone conversation. I was trying to order the special rubbish sacks you have to use here. “afternoon” “wishing you day away(I was trying to be light-hearted as it was only 9:15)” “what?” “is that sita?” “yeah” “hi id like to order some of the refuse sacks please” “how many rolls you want?” “how meny is on a roll?” depends on what size roll we give you” “ok can you tell me the sizes of the rolls then?” “some are 25 per roll and some are 50 a roll” “ok well if you are going to give me rolls of 25 then ill take 4 rolls and if you are going to give me rolls of 50 then I will have 2 rolls” “w...hat?…..so you saying you want 100 sacks?” “yes please” “ok” and she hung up. She has no cocking idea how or where I am so how s she going to send them to me. I immediately tried to call back and there is now no answer

Very odd-looking woman just came in. she must have been late 20’s but had a dress on that looked like it belonged to someone in their 80’s, a hair cut that it looks like he did herself, and woolly socks and sandals. She wanted to buy a glasses case. I found 2 that would fit her glasses. And it took her a full 10 mins to pick between them. Then out of the blue she said this. “its terrible isn’t it?” “what is?” “the shops closing?” I sort of glanced out the window thing I had missed something from a shop across the street. “which shop?” “all the shops closing Thornton’s, carpet right and tj Hughes” “oh right well its how things are going at the moment”(I say trying to politely end the conversation) “do you know why I think it is?” “ the state of the economy?” “ no I think its coz bills keep going up, the electricity people put the bill up, the water people put the bill up, bbc put up tv licence, road tax goes up, car insurance goes up.” She looks at me like she discovered the meaning of life. “I think you have hit the nail on the head there”(I say only very slightly sarcastically) “well its terrible those shops closing” “umm… we don’t have any of them in Aldershot anyway” “the licence fee if more than car tax” “well that all depends on your car” “it’s a Cleo… the tv licence is terrible” “im sure its fixed at the moment for a few years” “no its not …. I like watchdog” (that’s a cocking bbc program I scream in my head) “right well I have got to get on…” “you have no customers” “well there’s lots of paperwork”(and I have to stick this soul destroying conversation on facebook) she then goes on to poorly and inaccurately describe inflation to me in the most basic of terms but thinks she s discovered it like it’s a big mystery or secret. “are you trying to describe inflation?” “What?” “umm I really have to get on sorry” I usher her towards the door and she looks annoyed.

Two word film reviews

Thor: above average

X men 2: surpasses first

X men: the last stand: disappointing plot

X men origins: wolverine: solid effort

Just married: plain drivel

Déjà vu: good thriller

Porridge: classic comedy

Seems its not just me that gets idiots.

I walk into the dentist and get sent into the waiting room. I sit don and there is 1 other person there. a man in his 60’s. hes eyeballing me with a look of contempt. I look at him and pull a comedic confused expression of his contempt. (I know that doesn’t make sense…. He was looking at me odd so I pulled a way are you looking at me odd face). He looked away. But kept looking at me like I had broken in his house and voided my bowel on his rug. This went on for about 15 mins the the window thing opened and the women poked her head threw and say “mr. Tailor if you’d like to go up.” The guy just saw there. And started stairing at me again. And a few mins passed

“That not you then?” I said

“uuu?” he grunted

“Is that not you then?”

“what name did they call?”

“mr tailor”

“oh” he snorted

he got to his feet and stomped out.

I was still waiting when he came down to re-book for his next check up

“so shall I rebook you for 6 months mr tailor” the woman said politely

“no…. pfft to expensive make it 9 months”

“ohh ok…. Now lets look im going to need next years diary hand on…”

“what?”

“well 9 months takes us into next year…”

“no I don’t want next year I want November”

“right the woman says confused” and politely books him in for November the 3rd

if it was me I would have pointed out that that’s 6 months to the cocking day!

Two word film reviews

Green hornet: comic fodder

Unstoppable: tense scott

How to train your dragon: surprisingly good

X men: first class

Legends of the guardians the owls of g’hol : beautiful yawn

two word film reviews

megamind: mildly amusing

tron legacy: stylish sentimentality

Two word film reviews

Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone : magical fun

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets : maintains standard

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban : slightly disappointing

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire: thrilling triumph

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix : very dull

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince : pleasingly dark

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (part1): slow burner

6 days 7 nights: very average

2 word film reviews

Harry potter and the deathly hallows part 1: slow burner

Sherlock Holmes (guy Ritchie version): clever fun

Robin hood men in tights: brooks classic

Two word film reviews.
Machete: too silly.
The hangover: passable comedy.

We to the sports centre, trying to be a bit more healthy. Ive been letting the sport slip a bit as of late

I had one of these height and weight and body fat things done

And its weighed me up at a porky 13 st 6lbs that 85.7kg for any of you using the Latin

It says my BMI is 28… so that makes me over weight and it recons I should be 12 stone.

So 1^stone 6lbs or about 10kg to loose then.

In its next bit its says my body fat is GOOD (at just over 20%)

So hang on… if I have the right about of body fat….. im not at all mussley. Where the cocking hell is this 10kg im supposed to loose going to come from?

Bone?

A whole leg?

A particularly traumatising poo?

two word film reviews.

Skyline: B-movie tosh.

Due date: unfunny disapontment.

Kiss kiss bang bang: undervalued gem.

dirty rotten scoundrels: comady class

You find me in an odd mood dear reader

Slightly melancholy with world events and people stupid reactions and jokes. Now im normally the first to make a joke about something inappropriate. But some of the stuff ive seen isn’t funny. And is then just offensive. Yes you should laugh of misfortune. Yes you should laugh at everything going wrong. But you still should remember that people have died.

Also what’s annoying me is the fact that Germany has shut down nuclear power plants… now im not even educated in nucualer physics, power generation, history, or geography. But im pretty sure Germany isn’t a tsunami hot spot.

Also 2012 hang on……

Some drug addict twat out side just walked up to a Nepalese gentleman and said

“s’cuse me. Can I ask a favour”

“yes”

“can you move out your flat so I can move in”

“??”

“coz I cant get a flat”

“???”

“yeah that’s what I thought fucking great you twat”

yeah ok back to 2012 im not talking about the London Olympics

im talking about the end of the world or more importantly the retards that think it will be the end of the world.

I direct you to this video

If still not convinced that the world is not going to end. Then If you own a house I will buy it from you 5 grand. You can live in it rent free for a year and if the world ends the you are quids in. if it dosnt then you move out. are you that sure it will end?

Please note I cannot be held responsible for any mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, karma, dharma, metaphysical, religious, philosophical, Logical , Ethical, Aesthetical, or financial damage caused by this post

The human race is doomed (contains sweeping generalisations to intentionly cause offence)

Work shy thick people have lots of kids and this causes them to have low income and thus a greater chance of poor education. Poor education, poor income, workshy, more kids. Ever turning cycle when even if there was the glimmer of home of 1 person being some kind of genus that could save mankind they have more chance of being dole scum.

Rich clever people who are saving mankind have fewer children and because they are working. Cresh there children instead of nurture. So the chance of their passed down intelligence is snuffed out by the social awquard resentful that mummy and daddy packed them off o boarding school. Doesn’t actually do anything as they can sit blow their inheritance.

So on a long enough timeline intelligence is decreased

just had a woman in who wanted react to light lenese but refused to look at any glasses because they have clear lenses in. and couldnt understand that it would that model frame with lenses made for it. she stood looking at the sunglasses and complaine that i didnt have a very big react to light range

this one dosnt seem to be here for some reason. se the re post

mondays 2 word film reviews.

Alien: cinematic masterpiece.

Aliens : logical continuation.

Alien 3: underated gem.

alien resurrection: turgid joss whedon space pirate pile of shit

(just couldnt stick to 2 words on the last one)

This weeks 2 word film reviews.

RED: charismatic fun.
Social network: cinematic class.
Burke and Hare: cameo extravaganza.
Despicable me: bloody brilliant.
Shrek the third: please don’t.
Shrek forever after: make anymore

Oct holy crap that was a while ago

Well been planning the wedding a lot and lets just say there’s lots to do. Taken up a lot of time

So one idiot of the week for you

Bloke comes in with very badly bent glasses

“Right sir I’m not sure these are going to take being bent back”
he looks at me angry “well I was told they where indestructible”
“by who?”
“the people that where here before you”
“before me? Well I have been here 11 years”
“oh… but they are supposed to be indestructible”
“sir nothing is indestructible… these are made of titanium so they are light weigh and defiantly would not have been sold as indestructible”
“cant you heat them up”
“pardon?”
“cant you heat them up and bend them back”
“well off the top of my head sir the melting point of titanium is approximately 1500 oC. apart from not being able to touch them i think that might damage the paint”
I go out back and do a damn good job of keeping them in one piece and getting the wearable
“there you go did my best, hopefully last you until you can have an eye test and sort another pair”
“I thought titanium was indestructible”
His angry face changed when I gave him the news “ nothing is indestructible”
He grumbled and walked out with not so much as a thank you for fixing my glasses that I have been a numb nuts and stepped on

flu jab

got a bit of cold on at the moment so it seems slightly topical that i noticed this


http://your.asda.com/2009/9/22/asda-offers-uk-s-lowest-price-seasonal-flu-jab

if you dont want to read or click in the link its about that adsa are doing the flu jab for £8

ASDA! holy fuck whats next the tesco maternaty and gallstone unit

Knock at the door

A blurry eye me opens it to meet a person in BBC news uniform

“Alright?”
“Hello sir can I interview you for BBC news?”
“Umm what for?”
“He looks at me a bit strange “the explosion! ……in sainsbrys”
I look over his shoulder at sainsbrys its less that 60 yards away from my front door, and I have been in all most of the day and the time I was out I was in sainsbrys…. I notice the store is covered in do not cross tape. i can see tv crews and jornolists. My face obously looks I tiny bit surprised

“you don’t know about it then?”
“umm no”
“Well it looks like a coffee machine exploded around 17 people are injured and 6 or so have been take to hospital”
“ohh bloody hell”
“so you have you not been here all day?”
“umm yeah ive been here”
“and you didn’t see or hear anything?”
“umm no… you see halo reach cam out today and I have had the surround sound up quite loud… lots of explosions…” (I trail off as he looking at me with a disapproving and saddened expression)
“yeah… ok thanks sir” he says slightly sarcastically but mainly with pity

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-hampshire-11302161

Ive got some Oakley x metal julets to fix. They are the massively expensive ones from mission imposable 2

And for some reason who ever designed them desided they shouldn’t have normal screws. The have torx or tourge screws precisely in the T6 screw.

I phone Oakley. On no we don’t supply the screwdrivers. A hardware store or electronics store will sell it.

Great so I have to go buy one just to fix some glasses.

I go into Farnborough hardware and have a bit of a look. Lots of screwdriver sets. But I cant see one with a T6 I can see a T7 and a T8 but no T6. I wait for the woman to stop having an argument about a refund for a scented candle. Then ask

“ ‘scuse me do do you sell T6 torx screwdrivers?”

the woman dose the largest pantomime shrug I have ever seen out side a pantomime and expels air from her mouth with some spit “pppppFFFFtttt”

“look I dunno I just sell stuff…..cant you find one on the self?”

“well no that’s why im asking if you have them”

she starts to look massively inconvenienced “so you can see one on the self?”

“no I cant”

“what about this!” she picks up the first kit she sees and hands it to me.

“no that doesn’t have one it, that’s for wood work mainly”

“whats it for?”

“well it’s a T6 so its used in electrical and some silly makes of glasses”

“is it for a phone?”

“no its not….. but phones probably have them. I can find a T7 and a T8 here but what I need is a T6 do you even know if you sell them?”

“whats it for?”

“well I have a pair of glasses to fix”

“WELL HERE THEN this is what you need” in even more pantomime stile she theatrically picks up a screwdriver kit and pushes it into my hand and looks at me like im a retard.

“ummmm…. This is a kit with a flat head screwdriver in and a glasses hanging cord for round your neck and some spare assorted screws….. its doesn’t contain the screwdriver I want to buy” I put it back on the self

“why are you in here? Take it to an optician”

“I am an optician……DON’T WORRY I’LL GO TO MAPLINS”

Refund

A man walks in

“hello how can I help you?”
“I want a refund”
“ohh right… what for”
“a sight test”
“you want a refund for a sight test?”
“you owe me £24 plus the cost of a voucher”
“umm… let me just get your record out….. its says here sir you haven’t had a test or any glasses from us since 2007”
“yes”
“I don’t think I understand you sir”
“well I got a letter saying a was on income support so you owe me…..”
“sir if you where on income support at the time we would have checked your entitlement letter and made sure you got what you where entitled to…. Infact here is a had written note from my boss saying you failed to produce any proof of benefits you where receive so you where not entitled to anything”
“well im on benefits so I want my money back”
“you want your money back of a sight test and glasses you had over 3 years ago?”
“yes”
“well technically you need to try to claim your money back from the nhs… and im sorry to tell you this but I wouldn’t hold up much hope. The system has changed as has the entitlements. And it was over 3 years ago. If it was 3 weeks ago you may have some luck but 3 years…”
“so your not going to give me the money”
“umm no. it’s the ns you need to speak to and I really don’t think you’ll get any money back. Look you are due an new test now and it will be on the nhs so why don’t you have a new one and then if you need a change of prescription they will raise a voucher and that will pay for your lenses so you will be up to date.”
“No I want a refund from you”
“well sir that just not possible as I have not supplied you with anything faulty or returnable. Ill phone the nhs for you and see what they will do”
“go on then”

bring bring

“nhs PCT”
“hello I have a patient that wishes to claim back the cost of there eye exam and the value of a optical voucher”
the woman loudly sighs then asks the customers name and details…
“what was the date of the test?”
“2007”
“what?”
“umm yeah the test was 2007”
“ HAHAHAHAHA….. you have a nutter with you don’t you… tell them to have a new test and a voucher”




Complaint about my attitude

Bloke comes in for a sight test

“hello mr.XXXXX for the 10:20 appointment?”
“where’s the woman”
“what the receptionist?”
“yeah the woman whos here”
“well shes not here today its her day off”
“ohh”
“anyway if you’d like to take a seat in the waiting area the optometrist will be with you in a few mins”

he walks of grubleing, has his test and im handed the results and he sits down at my desk

“right well it looks like there’s been a bit of change to your eyes since we last saw you 2 years ago and we can make you see quite I bit better for distance and reading than you are seeing at the moment”
“right?”
“well yes. As im sure the optometrist explained you would benefit from new glasses”
“oh ok” he says like its news to him. But written on the notes word for word is “told customer would benefit from new glasses”

“Would you like to order some today sir?”
“suppose”
“well for the last 10 years you have been having something from our budget range its £70 for the frame and lenses. Or you can have something from a more expensive range but you have had the budget range for the last 10 years and that is sufficient for your needs”
“so whens the woman back”
“she only works 3 days a week and shes back after the weekend…. So do you want to something form the £70 range”
“how much do I have to pay?”
“well it depends what you pick… but you have always had something from the £70 range and that ok for your new prescription”
“so what do I have to pay?”
“well if you pick the £70 range…” he cuts me off
“what does it COST?”
“well £70”
“so what do I have to pay?”
“well if you want something from the £70 range…£70”
“SO WHAT DO I HAVE TO PAY?”
“£70”
“I’m not paying that” in those 4 words before he has uttered the word “that” he is out the door

I think to my self what and odd bloke. The optometrist comes out and says that MR.XXXX was a really odd bloke kept asking about the receptionist.

Now hes come in complaining about me to the owner saying he didn’t like my attitude and that I told him he had to pay £70 and I dint explain what for


I hope the owner says “£70 for glasses you silly cunt ….and leave our receptionist alone”