Carrier bags and bad food


You may have notices all this carrier bags are evening. There killing babies and rabbits and kitten, stuff that every ware. Yeah yeah fine ok they destroying the world just for the privilege of being able to carry my food home….. but I reuse the fucking things. I use them for carrying other shit around. And then bin bags. Coz eather fucking way id be using a plastic bag. So in sainsbry they’re giving away free fridge magnets to “try” to remind you to take a bag there and use that, rather than the evil carryerbags. That have already been made. Used the oil, and electricity and stuff to make them. Or is it just an advert for sainsbry every time you look at your fridge. But when the till tart said have you bought a bag today and I said…. Umm… nope…. Everyone looked at me like I was a cunt. The one person on the planet pissing in the swimming pool. Nay shitting in it spoiling it for everyone else. Just coz I used a bag to carry my stuff in. lets fucking face it its sainsbrys. 75% of the people who shop there own cars designed to cross arctic tundra, and do 3 miles to the gallon. So they will be saving the planet with there bags woven in sweat shops the contravine human rights laws.

At the end of the day Mother Nature will deside when we go the way of the dodo. Life will survive in one for or another the great cycle of evolution and extinction will continue. Just probably with different ways to carry shopping. And a way to breathe co2


Anyhow. Been scooping out places to have dinner and Chinese’s one take away has what I presume is a misprint in the menu. Makes even the most heartless of carnivorous humans pause before ordering

Duckling dishes

the weekend in pictures

it was the esfr paintball. one of the only reasons i ever get out of bed before 8am. the only other reson i can think of is a middle of the night piss. and as of yet i have found no other good reason to get up at such ungodly hours. and then im sure if i wasnt such a prude id use a bottle.

alas the paintball was not to be. in fleet there was almost 2 inches of snow. my poor car wheel spun out of the drive. and the M3 was bad, i thought on 2 junctions of m3 surly the 25 will be gritted. it may have been . it was just hard to tell under all the snow and blizard going on. trafic crept at 20mph between crashes. and with a heavy heart i desisded to turn back. we drove almost half way there before i desided time wise we wherent going to get there untill around 11, and that we may not get there without injery. it was a peril scale of 9. when we got home safly to sum up what we did was go on an hour and a half snow drive on the m25, yeah it was exciteing.... but not the kind of excitment i wanted.... ohh well there always the next one

the guys who did make it said it was a crazy day. the people we where playing refused to play because we where too intimadateing. a few guys do have to much of there own gear. so they spent teh day mucking about having a few games. they still had a laugh.

ohh well

Karma’s a funny old thing

I don’t really believe in karma per say. But I do believe that if your nice to people and do good things, the more likely people are to help you out when you’re in a fix. Say you do something good for someone and make there day the change is they do something good for someone else and the chain will go on, and on and infinite time line it will come back to you. If you are just a cunt then no ones gonna help you when you need to change a tire or put in a good character reference at you sexual harassment tribuneral.

That’s sort of what karma is so ill just call it that.

I was feeling like I was coming down with an evil cough cold man flu, thanks to my housemate who must have been gobbing in my coco pops. I went to a big supermarket to buy some soup and some bedding im not telling you wich one just incase the send there hit squad for me, but hint the sign is green they are called Wal-Mart in America, there adverts have people slapping there arse, and bill baily isn’t going to be there bitch. I got the bedding shelf and there’s some pretty reasonably priced stuff there. Well its very chip compared to everyware else. I know its made in a sweat shop in the middle of some boiling country by children not even old enough to have grown milk teeth yet, but hay everyone’s got to have a job. And let face it ive been with the mrs a wile now. “Honeymoon periods over love” I don’t need to impress her. Just convince her to do my washing. So I pick up a fitted sheet and quilt cover that comes with 2 pillowcases. I go in to the cloths bit and get myself a shirt for work, and some chicken soup as I m feeling a bit peeky. I get to the tills and the ques are extremely long. But people in Farnborough are scared of fire and technology so the self-service tills are pretty much empty. I jump on one of those.

PLESE SCAN YOUR FIRST ITEM
I wave the tin of soup around enthusiastically and the till doesn’t beep. I wave it about the place as if doing a rain dance. Still nothing. This bar code scanning shit is a really hard job. More respect for till tarts now. Evenuly it works.

PLEASE SCAN YOUR NEXT ITEM OR PAY

The sheet, doesn’t scan at first then says unidentified item error error. Please put item on scales

PLESE PUT ITEM ON SCALES

The screen has rang up the sheet, but it want to sell it to my but weight. I do as it says. It charges me 15 pence, 97% discount. I like that

I scan the covers the ring up at some random price too, my shirt come up at the correct price.

I pay quickly and leave with my total shopping bill under half price. The till made a legal contract on price with me there not a damn thing they can do…… I hope.

MWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA

I get back to work and the phone rings but I have to hang up on them, as there is a customer in the shop…. I call back 20 mins later. Hi this is the west end centre. We had a spare ticket for that Richard herring gig you wanted to see. You hung up on us so we may have sold it to someone else…. The guy goes of and comes back. Yep we still have one. I pretty much bight his had off via the phone. Cheep shopping and a gig ticket. CHA-MUTHERFOOOKING-CHING!!!

Got to go to the gig on my own tho… but im a big boy I can wipe my own bum now too. As long as there’s those candoo frog wipe things.

Two good things happen out of the blue….. Two bad things must happen too

At home whilst examining my goods. I notice my shirt is short sleeved and not long like I wanted…. Bugger. And im to scared to look at the sheets just incase there are a single or something and not a king as labelled up…. knowing my luck there probably second hand….

I go of to the gig thing well that wasn’t too bad cheep shopping not quite what I wanted, but cheep shopping non the less


The gig was good fun; even tho it was sold out I had an empty seat next to me. So I could have taken someone. Richard herring gives away free programs for the show, and just asks that you throw some dosh into a bucket for scope. He’s raised £20000, and programs at other shows ive been to have been between 5 and 15 sterlings so I think its only fair to give whatever ive got. I was in row c and there were half a dozen steps to the door. It was quite dark in there. And I needed to make sure I had parking change for the next day at work. I pretty much always have shit loads of coins. Sometimes as much as £20 I probably dint have that much tho. I tipped out coins into my hand with the intention of popping a few quid back in the wallet and putting around a fiver into the bucket. But then o tripped. Throwing coins everywhere. In the dark in a crowed of people. My guess it was about a tenner but ill never know. All I manage to puck up was £2.20 exactly what I needed for parking. And threw that in the bucket. I hope that they puck up the coins and put them in the bucket but the cleaner will probably have a pretty good tip. So I lost all the money I had saved threw the faulty till, got the wrong shirt, man flu and bedding im no too scared to open.

I got home thinking that will be a pretty good blog, hope I don’t waffle on to long so people get bored

I popped on a dvd and went to the fridge to see what beer we had left over from the party. All that was left was Carlsberg C2 witch some cheeky basterd had brought along and stuck in the communal beer. Who the fuck buys reduced alcohol beer. I thought ohh well. Probably do me good not consuming as much alcohol. I pick up and can and sit down. I go to open it but my Alcoholic spider sense is tingling. Its ok its just coz it low alcohol beer. I reach for the ring pull again, can’t do it, something wrong. Get a grip man I know its only 2% but is free. I know you have had stronger shandys but get your laughing gear around it. Na my alcoholic spider sense has properly gone off. I examine the can. Its over a fucking year passed its sell by date. What kind of cunt brings gone off low alcohol beer to a party.

No I didn’t fucking drink it anyway

Sign of the devil


Well the move has gone ok. The room is pimped with all my toys. The party was thrown…. Im sure the pics will be on the net soon


The user well restaurant I frequent for lunch was close they have gone on Holladay for 2 weeks…. Damn it!!

I was feeling a bit rough. And I don’t like eating nice things when I feel ill. My stupid logic is, if I eat something nice then chunder my guts up. It puts me off of what ive eaten. So I eat something I wouldn’t mind being put off of. I.e. MacDonald’s

With mild amusement I found this printed on the bad I purchased my cow dick in.




A Spanish woman teacher person with a black board saying (I presume) “im loving it” and the sign of the devil

I can only presume its the MacDonald’s Scholl of Satan worship.

Some people have had their suspicions of it for a long time

Well the big cuckoo is about to leave the nest.

Bye bye Andover. Hello fleet

Only took me 27 years to move out.

What the hell am I going to do for food and washing and ironing now….

Ill just have to take it home for my mum ever week. Keep her with something to do…. Im a nice son like that.

she got a nice ironing bord cover for mothers day and me coming home hungover wanting sympath and food. im the best son ever

Vans in traffic

The other day driving home I saw an inspired pun. On the back of a van there was “goodfellers” tree surgeons. It tickled me in the way a silly pun should. I rely wonder if the guy who owns the company eather when he was young went and watched goodfellers and went if I ever start a tree business that’s what its gonna be called. Or he was sparshot doing his tree chopping down exams got pissed and thought of it.

On the way to work today… oh im 27 today by the way. (all I can say about that it when I was young I can remember thinking wow in 2006 ill be 25 and in 2007 ill be 26 and in 2008 ill be 27…. Yeah see I was quick on the uptake) yeah anyway….. I saw a van with big gold letters saying “stump grinding” that’s sound particularly unwholesome. It was for a tree surgeons. I can imagine the two blokes doing the tree chopping down exams one all light-hearted and thinking of clever puns and the other sitting their twisting hamsters heads thinking about amputee porn. Its sound like the kind of thing McCartney would have said to his ex….

“Heather im feeling a bit frisky tonight.”
“Are you ok… fire away”
“no no …. Put away your down stares mixer”
“oh no you want to visit dirt canyon” (possibly it’s the other way round mills looks the type that offers back first)
“No love”
“Surly you don’t want that again”
“Take off your leg bitch I wants me some stump grinding”

It’s possibly what led to the divorce…. Maybe she was into the stump grinding that way she walked in front of the police car/bike/bus

I can only speculate


See being 3 yours from 30 hasn’t made me any more mature or my spelling any better

Cars

Well it’s a well know fact the mechanics just don’t listen to me, I ask for something to be done and they do something totally different. So I was not completely shocked when I put my car in for some stuff to get fixed they didn’t bother doing it. I wont bore you with the details. What I was most annoyed about was if failed its mot, not on the work that they hadn’t done, but a less than an inch crack in the windscreen. It was behind the mirror. And it had been the for 3 years. So it had passed its mot with it there before. So I had to get a new windscreen. The original day they had my car was a waste of time and now I was going to have to leve it there again icuring more money and time with me sat at home dreaming of all the amazing things I could have been doing if only I had my car. So cutting a long and crap story shot it all got fixed…. Well that’s a lie, as much as I possibly hoped for got fixed…. The engine still has a life of its own and randomly guts out or jumps to 1000000rpm for no reason. So I cough up my cash. And looking threw my nice new windscreen as im driving in the pissing fog I see a doddering old hag swerve half of the road onto the gravel and flick a big stone up that has now chipped my new windscreen
If I wasn’t late for work she would have needed new denchers curtsey of my 9 iron

Cold are evil


The make me be in pain and lazy

like the phone rings and im like gahhhh that means picking it up , and ill have to struggle though my snotty nose to talk properly...... but the ringing not helping my head ache..... witch is the lesser of two evils

to pick up or not to pick up that is the lazy snott driven question

Today’s story of mild amusement is not from me. Its happened to my brother


He was out bowling with a friend, and doing ok, but loosing to his mate. On the 3rd game the wagered lunch on the game. So my brother with the kind of determination only brought on by free pizza started to bowl. The first two frames he spared, however his mate got strikes. In the next lane 2 men arrive. One is wearing a bowing shirt and has a bowling wrist support (don’t know there proper name) own ball, shoes the works. The other man is giving him tips. My brother like me performs best with an audience (not what your thinking you sicko). He gets his game on. Strike! Strike! Looks over at the “pro” he’s got really low scores. 5’s and 6’s. My brother goes again Strike! Strike! He’s got a bagger going on, and he knows free lunch is in the bag, the “pro” is still on a low score. My bro get another 2 strikes. That’s 2 spaires then 6 strikes in a row. The pro gets out some kind of scope and is looking at the pins, then bowls. Gets 3. My bro is just about the lean over all cocky and load moth (yeah it runs in the family) and say “oi mate you want to be taking a leaf out of my book”. But it his go again so doesn’t. He chokes and doesn’t get another strike. But it ok. He’s put a pro to shame and got free lunch. Cash back! Him and his mate are having a drink after when they see the pro walking along accompanied by his “coach” the pro has a long white stick. My bro had been inches away for mocking a blind guy for trying to bowl
Classic

Well its taken 23 days for something interesting to happen to me. My blog was getting a bit me moaning at customers, so I thought I should cut back on thins an maintain my high lvl of quality in my posts cough cough hahahahahahhahahhahahahahh

Se I was going to write about some crazy man that came in my shop wanting his glasses fixed, but not actually having the lenses with him. He wanted me to put the lenses back in, but the lenses where at his house, the frame was with him. For some reason he didn’t seem to see a problem with this. When I pointed out that when I fix things I usury like the thing im trying to fix and all its parts at least in the same room as me. He became upset. Not because of my sarcasm, but because he thought they where unfixable. I repeatedly had to explain that they where fixable just a screw had come loose (possibly from the old man as well) and that if he came in with the frame and the lenses I could put them all back together. After 15 mins he still couldn’t grasp this simple premise that I couldn’t magic up his lenses from his house. And he left upset that I was unwilling to help him. Well I said I wasn’t going to say all that, but I typed it and you just read it… so I guess I did.

The most amusing things in my blog are the misfortunate things that happen to me. And nothing of any amusing misfortune has happened to me (but all your misfortune amuses us I hear you cry).

Well I was driving to work today on the A303 when my car stats making this whistling noise. I check my window, then the passenger window. The doors are closed. Humm …..Maybe the boots going to fly open! Now that where my train of thought stopped, when relly it should have carried on and thought of a plan. Because it was DEFNATLY GOING TO HAPPEN 3 SECONDS AFTER I THOUGH THIS. Im over taking a car and think he was probably more scared than me. A little dirty red 106 goes past him and the boot flies open revealing golf clubs, squash racquets badminton parafnalia, and the most of his worries my laundry. As im hitting the hazards and looking for a place to stop. He’s crapping himself swerving all over the shop. coz of the passell shelf I don’t know if or what things are flying out. I don’t what to slam on the anchors as I could loose my grundies all over the road and have to retrieve them. (im not talking about soiling my self threw fear im talking about loosing my laundry bag). My ghetto modded spoiler car evenly pulls up. And I go and sort it out. as far as I can tell ive lost nothing. With is quite impressive and the boot was full. Witch may have caused the problem in the first place.

Here to a new year and always being calm in a crisis

Standing in the queue at the super market this morning. And exchange between the cashier and a customer


“You got your hearing aid in?”
“What?”
“You got your hearing aid in?”
“What?”
“Do you have your hearing aid in?”
“What?”
“Do you have your hearing aid in?”
“What?”
“DO YOU HAVE YOUR HEARING AID IN?”
“What?”
“DO YOU HAVE YOUR HEARING AID IN?”
“YES”

It was like a two Ronnie’s sketch

After I had asked the second time if it was me and not the cashier I would had wrongly assumed the answer to be no, and stopped asking. Only threw determination did she find the truth I would have missed. Eather way I presume the rest of the conversation was going to be difficult hearing aid or not

theres a new sheeet cannon song up,

its not a lp track, its a gift made for a friend, but everyone might as well revel in its majesty


you almost cant tell it was made in less time than it takes a drunk adolesent to have sex

enjoy (smerk)

http://www.myspace.com/sheeetcannon

The post office saps you life



I fucking hate the post office with a passion you can only dream of. And I hate everyone and there stupid actions that’s makes me go to the post office. Ive not needed to go to the post office for myself in years. If have only had to go to the post office because people have been numb nuts and I have to sort something out.

I order a couple of hundred spec cases, the turned up with spec savers logo on. (The should have gone to spec savers…… see what I did there…… kill me) instead of me being able to send them back via the colour. I had to wait for a first class pre payed sticker to arrive. Then take it to the post office. I thought, on no big drama, the package is big, about the size of a washing machine, bit it only weighs a few kg’s. Lucky for me the sorting office is across the road. I walk in and the guy looks at me and this huge box. He grunts with a true lack of customer service that even though it pre payed, and needs noting doing to it I actually have to take it to the counter in the proper post office. Witch is the other side of town. I carry it around there, 10 min walk and this box is bigger than me, so its hard to carry, almost broken a bit of a sweat. The woman looks at me and says. Ohh that pre payed, you need to take that to the sorting… I interrupter her just so she cant finish and tell me what I already know. The guy there made me bring it here. Did he? YES!!!! I know exactly what she wants to say. (Well he shouldn’t have). Well your eather taking this box or im leaving it here on the floor… she takes it knowing full well that one of them has to now wait till im gone and carry it back to the sorting office.

Today like every week before xmas , I get the contact lens patents call. “oh know woe is me the stealth xmas crept up on me again I had no idea it was going to be the 25th of dec this year I haven’t ordered and lenses, my life is ruined is all your fault Harry you desised when charismas should be and no your going to be closed on that day” wankers. So in a last ditched attempt I try to post their lenses to them, but that means it has to be done today. 1 week before, or their no chance. So I pitch up at the consignia office. That has a queue out the door. By some mirical all 6 tills are operating. And their was a woman with a bum bag, taking the envelopes off the old people that are two thick to buy stamps elsewhere. So bless them the boss has had the right idea. The queue isn’t helping, coz the middle ages daily mail readers that this is the first time they have been in the post office since last year, are spending 10 mins complaining as soon as they get to the till. I get to the front of the queue. Woo. Get to the desk. There is a guy slower that a sloth.

Is like to send this stuff please….
Where?
The address is on the box. Already written it
Ok
(I pop the stuff in the scales)
They all weight the same, coz they’re the same thing
You still need to weigh them
Fine. (im trying to be quick, coz 1 I want to get back to work, and 2 the guy who’s read faced in the queue looks like hes going to kick off)
The guy goes that’s going to be 109……
I know per box
Hang on. That 109 per box
I know
Is that ok
Yes its fine I already knew the cost
Did you?
Yes
How?
Look can I just send this stuff and get out of here
He looks at me like im getting shirty…. Not noticing the crowd behind me baying for blood
He prints out the postage labels at a speed slower than ice age. Then with pantomime mocking, sticks the them on, slowly and carefully rubbing out all the air bubbles. Then carry s on rubbing each one for about 30 seconds longer than nursery. Then instead of taking it he gives me the stuff back and says I have to go queue up and put it in the post box. Admittedly the queue is quite fast for this, but why the fuck cant he take it, one of the staff has to go open the post box anyway. Then I spend another few mins negotiating my receipt from him.

It’s taken over half an hour just to post 2 boxes that where too big to fit into the normal post box. That probably won’t Evan get to the post box in time


But more fun will come on towards the end of the week, when people will order lenses coz they forgot it was xmas, and either the contact lens manufacture is closed or that they want to pick them up from my shop on xmas day. That when the real fun starts

My big mouth + being an idiot magnet = calling for Andy like a girl




Well I was feeling ill so I didn’t really want to go out, but a few people where so I thought what the hell, a couple of glasses of pop down the mills wont hurt. Bad thing was the mills was hired out. So Andy decided we should try the angel, because they have a pool table. We get there there’s a band on. In the top bar however there is a poker tournament on, and it looks like its been going on all day. And only one table is still being used, the rest are being turned back into pub tables. The noise wasn’t too loud up there so that’s where we stayed. From where I was sitting a say the end of the poker tournament. I count see any cards but I saw who won. A few mins later some kid. At the oldest he was 18 but I doubt it, collapses next to our table. Hes gone. Eyes rolling into head. Some blokes just pop him in a chair at our table. Hes dribbling and looking like hes not having a good time anymore. Then a big shoelace of dribble stats to emerge from his mouth. Quick as a flash Ben and myself whip out our phones and start taking a souvenir snap. The winner of the poker tournament who is dancing on his own, and fallen over a few times, sees this and comes over and sits next to me.

“Oi you cant take pictures of my mate”
“ohh ok sorry man. He just looks really funny hes gone”
“Yeah ive been here since 10:30”
“I ment him but ok…. If hes your mate, shouldn’t you be taking him home or getting him a cab”
“Who?”
“That bloke you said he was your mate.”
“Na I don’t know him”
“Right you just said I shouldn’t take pictures of your mate”
“Ohh I just came over for some banter”
“I see”
“So coz hes almost passed out do you want to rape him?”
“umm… no thanks, but with all us being here, don’t let that stop you”

He says amazing banter a lot, copies all my actions like mimes when im having a sip of my drink. Has a good crack at insulting me and interrupts so I cant get a word in edge ways. He bimbles off for a few mins then come back. He starts trying to engage in banter again. I quickly interrupt

“So I see you won the poker thing”
“No”
“Really?…. but I saw you holding the trophy”
Said extremely sarcastically “Na I was just holding it for a laugh”
I top this by crossing sarcastic and gullible together. “Really…. Oh my god buy doing that it made me think you had won, and when people asked me who had one I told them it was you…. Oh now ive made such a mistake… you holding that trophy for a laugh has caused so much confusion…. I think you should make a speech saying who the real winner was and what you where doing was only for a joke”
“I did really win”
“Yes I know”

Just then a middle age woman trips over and imaginary invisible tortoise. She comes crashing down with a humongous thud and looks like she landed badly. No one come to her aid for about 2 mins (possibly longer). At this point poker champ changes up a gear and turns into a Russell brand wannabe. He basically tries to gross me out. (something very few people on the planet can do) he starts buy say that I want to but one of my nuts in her and I say something along the lines of I think he should have a go coz if I can only get a nut in im sure he can get more in I know she’s old but he can thumb in his softy. This exchange goes back and forth for a while then he goes. Hes genuinely laughing and he looks bright and friendly and keeps saying top banter at me. Andy however says something along the lines of “fuck Harry I thought I was going to have to get up then” I was genuinely shocked. He guy seemed aggressive but playful. He starts dancing again. Wilts first aid is being admistered to the middle aged woman. The landlady is investigating how she fell. I catch her attention and say I was watching and she didn’t trip on the step the floor wasn’t wet, she just fell over. The woman and her partner seemed to basically be jumping on this pubs going to get sued line. I really hope they don’t. The plus point of this was that the landlady spoke to me and knew that I was not drunk. Well I was be she knew I was sensible witnessed the event and knew what happened.

The some other kid collapsed, ive never seen so many people keel over in one pub in such a short space of time.

Well leanna was looking horrified bless her. But I still thought this was all in good fun and height spirits

We where told to drink up, and leanna grabbed my pint and took a massive swig as a point that she wanted to leave, she hates beer

I went rightly dokey, going to go drain the lizard before we hit the dusty trail.

On the way to the look a middle-aged guy catches my eye,

“Seems you have made a friend there”
“TUT (look to the sky) … yeah hes like a skin head Russell brand”
The guy looks I bit horrified and said I sound have said that……

Just as I finish evacuating wee wee from my body, the loo door gets kicked in on me

In the door way is Russell brand wannabe

“wooh shit you almost did me a mischief”
He just looks at me….. Long pause then puts a hand on me
“Ive seen your Russell brand impression now an I going to see your George Michael one”
His eyes have changed from having that playful sparkle to being cold

“You have insulted me tonight”
“Well… we where having some banter you gave as good as you got”

He puts his back to one side of the doorframe and arm on the other wedging himself in the way. His other had not strangling me but just below my throght pushing me against the wall. The loos have over flowed and the floor is almost over the rubber on my shoes. When I was walking out the loo I was holding my trouser legs in a way as to not drag in the piss. So complete unprepared I put my right arm under his. Wedging him almost at arms length. Basically so he can’t head butt me. At this point ive realised he doesn’t need the loo as I try to walk out a few times. He has the drunken look of some one wanting a fight

“Look pal, we had a bit of fun talking bollox… we had a bit of banter it was a good laugh. You have won the poker tournament; we both have had a bit to drink. It’s been a good day. So if you don’t mind ill be off”
“You insulted me”
“Well im sorry if I upset you, but you said a lot of stuff about me…. I thought we where having a laugh”
“You insulted me”
“Well you came and sat down and started insulting me… I didn’t ask for that”

At this point he tried to head butt me. My grip is good and he misses.

“Do I scare you?”
“no… I thing you have had too much to drink…”

He head buts again grips still good …. Misses

“Do I scare you?”
“No you don’t”
3rd try he misses

“Do I scare you?”
“No you bloody don’t. You have too much to drink; I think you should just let me go. Then you can use the loo” (I was trying to distract him…. Wed been stood there for a while, he drank a lot hoped it would make him need the loo and forget about head butting me. It didn’t work.

At this point I could hear a lot of voices in the corridor out side the loo…. One of them is Andy’s. The guy realises its my mate too.

“Im going to hit you now”
“Look just let me go”

He starts to let go of the doorframe getting ready to punch me. Coz im off balance and sliding around in piss, I have to time my action just right. I could get a punch in first. Only problem is my right hand is stopping him getting close if I take that off im going to get a nutting. And a punch from my left is about as strong as having those little seeds blow of a dandy lion at you… and I already had him at my arms length so I could barely reach him. I could grab his nuts….. Pretty sure that would make the situation worse.

So I pushed against him off the wall I was pushed up against. Surprisingly he moved quite a lot and slipped on the piss. Sadly he extremely quickly knew what was happening and rammed himself back between the doorframe. And I had no choice but to step back out of head butting range. So pinned again.

So more talking ensued. I cant rely remember who it went but im pretty sure it was me repeating stuff like we had a good night now lets not spoil it being silly.

The voices in the corridor where getting louder there was more and more people. I could hear Andy and Ben now…. They where 1 step out side the door. Why the hell didn’t they just make that one step and this guy surely would let me go….

He released his arm from the doorframe and made a fist. I was going to have to act. Only chance was the push. I was getting ready to take a punch and then push him off balance. Then make a move for the door hopeing I don’t slip on the piss. Or that his punch actually dose any damage.

“Call for your mate”
“What?”
“Call for your mate”
“Sorry I don’t understand” (what is this that bit at the end of terminator 2…. )I thought this but thought better of saying it)
“I was him to see me hit you and I want to beat 2 of you up”
“Right?”
“CALL HIM I want to beat two of you up”
“ANDY!!!!!” it came out 3 octaves higher than I wanted. I was trying to project my voice into the hall so he would hear and that I wouldn’t have to call him more than once. I knew that they would all come in. it’s a real shame it came out as a girly call for help.

“You pussy!!”
“What?”
“You called for your mate”
“You told me too, you said you wanted to beat both of us up”
He started to look confused and called me a pussy for calling for my mate

Andy came in, followed by the middle-aged guy, then Ben.

The guy looked around at them and weekend his grip. I pushed forward and made ground, I pushed passed him. As Andy walked towards us. I was passed him. I quickly walked out. Best thing to do was leave, so he couldn’t follow and that this couldn’t spill out onto the street. I was met by the landlady and landlord asking if I was aright, the a bouncer asking if I was ok. Then all my friends.

We snuck off into the cold night with another story of how I narrowly avoided getting a punch and covered in other peoples piss.

Well that pub is the pub we go to after badminton….. Lets see if they have anything to say to me.

Im sure I haven’t remembered it all. If any one has please stick it in the comments

A day of miracles of medical science

I passed some women in the street and over herd them talking about how one of them was going into hospital tomorrow to have there cartridge done, you cartridge done in there over weight arthritic knee. Not Cartilage, but their cartridge. And then the replying woman said “my frank had to have is cartage done too… he was of work for 4 weeks.” Peasants

Then a bloke came in my shop and asked me if I could examine his teeth. His fucking teeth. I explained (very slowly) that an optician deals with eyes. He looked at me a bit put out and said well this is a medical sort of place and it must be a similar sort of thing….


And the best of all. A bloke said his aunty (he defiantly said aunty I checked) was dieing of prostate cancer

Now I’m pretty sure that the prostate is a male only bit of anatomy. (Happy for anyone to prove me wrong) I know that there are plenty of unused “cross over” bits of anatomy. Eg I know that a couple of years ago. More men actually died of breast cancer than women. But when I said did he mean pancreatic cancer. (coz they sound a bit simaler…. Well they both start with a P) nope he got mildly angry and insisted it was prostate cancer and his aunty.

Suppose she could be a hermaphrodite. But as far as I know there pretty dead in the reproduction bits, so I’m not sure they would have a gland that deals with the production of population paste.
But like I said I'm not an expert

The seen, me tapping away on the compy.

Enter old man

“hello. Can I help you?”
“its alright lad…. I can see”
“ok….?”
“ive just been using the cash mashine next door”
“ok…..?”
“its giving me trouble”
“right?”
“it gave me 10 pounds”
“right……”
“I wanted 2 fivers”
“ok…. You do realsis that this is an opticians and the cash mashine next door is on the wall of the actulal bank that it belongs to?”
“yes”
(I look at him blankly)
“cant you just give me 2 fivers”
“no…. try the bank”
“fine… sorry to put you out” (said quite sarcasticly)
“thank you bye bye…….(door closes) ”

Gambling the slippery slope



Now I’m not sure if I’m working class or middle class, I’m probably a fine line between upper working and lower middle. Everyone that when we get into this banned pub conversion has a different opion of me. Banned pub topics also include, science, politics, philosophy, time travel, the speed of light, soseo economic groupings, immigration, the media, nimmo club, and anything wongo says.

So basically I’m not very good at pretending to be working class and I’m just passable at work pretending to be a little bit middle class when the ocation calls for it. I’m generally paseved to be a drip by builder’s mechanics plumbers and roofers. This is probably why I can never get my car fixed.

“Excuse me”
“What?”
“Hullo, I was wondering if I could book my car in, there seems to be a problem with the fuel management chip”
“Yeah?”
“Well the engine seems to be revving uncontrollably”
“You sure?”
“Well yes”
“Ok well take a look”

I come back 9 hours later after sitting on my ass all day coz I have no car.

“Hullo again, some one was supposed to phone me to say….”
“What?”
“Umm… is my car fixed?”
“na …. Didn’t get around to it.”
“ohh….so….umm”
“well il have a look tomorrow.”
“but I need it to morrow to get to work. That’s why I came in today”
“well… you best book it in for next week then”
“ok”

day wasted

Cutting a long story short when they finally did look at it the said it was broken, but couldn’t be bothered to fix it as the job was a bit of a hassle, the car was still moving, so what’s the pint. Well I thought the point would be to not help exhaust the worlds supply of petrol unnecessarily.

My main problem with middle class people is I can’t tell when they’re winding me up. Or if I can I just find it so unamuseing I carry on as normal as if to go “ha ha I can see right threw your stupid game I know the haven’t taken gullible out of the dictionary I only said oh on have they why? I used that word a lot what am I going to do now” but it always backfires and I wind up looking thick.

My mate Chris has written a similar blog about this and his own experiences I cant be bothered to link you to the exact article, but its linked in the margin to his blog.

I can handle going into a spit and saw dust pub in my suit. You get a few stairs, but as soon as you say “pint of fosters please, mate” that’s you fine. Mate the word of the working class, the pass word the let them know your in their club. And you have to use manners in the wrong order, like they are tacked on like you normal forget or wouldn’t use them.

“Please may I have a pint of fosters” becomes “pint of fosters. Please. Mate.”

Simple switch round and your covered.

Getting on to the point. Bookies, bookmakers, betting shops. Inhabited my tramps lo lifes and dogs on bits of string. These places are as un known to me as the dark side of the sun. I have been in them maybe once or twice. First time was with a guy from collage who wanted to put a bet on. We went in and I looked at the banks of TV screens with pretty much hieroglyphics on. The stench of smoke and old man piss hit me like a train. And you can tell by looking at some people that’s what they do, they go in 10 to 5, and blow their money. Shit when I retire I plan on doing that but just in a pub instead. At least ill get something out of it. (Probably serosis of the liver)

As I walked passed the bookies I saw the odds on Croatia winning was 7 – 1. Now that’s not a bad return. And that if I put a bet on them winning 2-0 that was 40 to 1. So if I placed two bets fiver on each. And Croatia do win 2-0 I get almost 250 sterling’s, if Croatia just win that 40sterlings, so tenner terns into 40 quid or if I’m really lucky £245. I thought that’s not a bad idea. Mum has brought me up not to gamble. And I have seen mates do it and loose a lot of money. I don’t Evan play fruit machines. I do play quiz machines but that’s coz I like the quiz part not the tiny chance I could win some money. The ways England have been playing. An id don’t know much about football, but I know that Gerard and lampard cant play together (I herd it in the pub so it must be true), and that putting in a 22 year old goal keeper with hardly any experience was probably a bad idea. I was thinking more and more that my bet was a good idea. But to go in the bookies was another. 2 years ago. I saw that lordi where 17 to 1 to win Eurovision. And I let that slip me by coz I wouldn’t go in and brave the dirty people. I had a look at betting web sites, but I had to sign up and then pay with a credit card and then take my money back off them and they charged to actually get you winnings and stuff. Waste of time and bad idea. Worst thing was tho. I have no idea who to fill in a betting slip. I sqoured the inter net for help. Al I could find was I had to go and Wright it don on a betting slip, ask about the odds, pay, then hopefully win. I was panicking coz I cant Evan spell Croatia. Just as I had plucked up the courage two blokes came out of the bookies and into my shop. They had more flys on them than the average Ethiopian in a comic relief video. 20 min later, id finished working on my deep breathing exercises to get ready for the possible 5 mins I would have to hold my breath. Hold you breath avoid eye contact, you don’t want anyone talking to you. GO GO GO. I’m in. screens, paper, tramps everyware. Shit! Fuck what slips are for what? People are looking at me! I’m in the way of the TV, where some strange looking animals are racing. Cock it! Spots me a sign for football. Yes! Over there! There are loads of different types of slip. All different matches all different forms. I find the right one I tick the boxes. I take it to the woman at the counter that looks lonely without a B&H hanging from the side of her mouth. I hand it over. “Please could you check it, I’m new at this” she looks at me funny and reads out my bet loud. Croatia to win, and Croatia to win 2 – 0” “um yeah that right” I here the audible ruffle from everyone in the place turning to stare at me. “He’s betting against England” I gulp. “He’s unpatriotic”. It was almost like panto. I was pretty much booed and hissed as I pass over my money. I darted for the door and back to the safety of my shop.

Now I have to go back and get my winnings, I'm expecting a lynch mob of old men is macs that smell like yak piss to waiting to string me up and set there little dogs on bits of string leads on me.


I accidentally turned tom into a gambler too. His betting system was crazy. I hope he wrights a guest bit. Ill try to convince him


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guest blog from tom



Well Harry asked me to write a bit on his blog of our gambling exploits over the Croatia V England football fixture in which we lost. Harry chose a likely result of Croatia to win which was like 7/1 so £5 got £40 return. He also put £5 on Croatia 2-0 which was at 40/1. Which would have got him £205 for his original £5. This made me laugh so I put on a very obscure bet. Neither me nor Harry had put a bet on before so was pretty hilarious just talking about it. Harry went for what he thought as a dead cert and just a chance of 2-0 as the payoff was good. So I thought, you know what, Fuck it. So I went for Croatia to win 1-0 and chose the guy who hadn’t scored in like 5 years to get the goal. This was at 120/1. So my £5 would have got me £605 return, which as a student, would suit me very well. But due to my conscience, I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to win. So I put on 2 more bets to cover any possible loss. And these bets are what prompted Harry to ask me to write a blog. I put on £3.08 on a draw which was at 9/4, so this got me £10.01 back. I also put on £1.92 on Croatia to win. This was 7/1 so I would have made back £15.36. Since I spent £10 on the 3 bets, as long as England didn’t win, I would make back between 1p and £610.36. After only 9 minutes or so my £605 win was off the cards as somebody else scored the first goal. And 10 minutes into the second half Harry’s £205 stake was lost. So we are both playing over Xbox live, with his sister giving us goal updates as we hope that England lose. Very patriotic I know. The final score 3-2 to Croatia, Harry wins £40 with a £35 profit, I win £15.36 with a £5.36 profit. The jobs a good’un. And the moral of this story. Bet for the most random thing you can, but make sure you cover yourself with other bets to make sure you don’t lose any money.

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Hell on earth

Theirs something about Andover and Friday nights…. Its just goes crazy. I’m the only person who has to go to work on Saturday so I can’t go wild. But it always does. So I try to avoid going out. Then when I'm up for full on liver destruction and it Saturday night all my mates have destroyed their livers and there bank balance the night before.

This week was lees birthday. That reminds me its today. Better fire off a txt

Friday was Andover and Saturday was Southampton. With a little tequila I did myself a mischief on Friday and I knew that Saturday was going to be tamer as everyone went for it on Friday. But we ended up in reflex

The horror

If there is anything thing I have been too sober for in my life it was that place. It’s an 80’s club. The problem with the 80’s is apart from most of you lot reading this being born then we don’t rely remember a fat lot. Yeah we have childhood play memories. But know what was going on and what was in the charts. It’s not until the 90’s and cracking into are adolescents that we really stated paying attention. And most of the music they where playing in there was really from the early 90’s when lets face it pop music became shit. There was the split where people started either cracking out shell suits and glow sticks. Or putting on dirty jeans, black tee shirts and padded lumber jack shirts. You watched top of the pops to see if there was any chance that the music you like could accidentally creep on and get away with it for 3 and a half mins.

So I was in a place playing music from a different decade to what was advertised, surrounded by a crush of people that think they remember the 80’s but where most likely born in 1988, and then on the out skirts where people actually old enough to remember the 80’s and probly the 70’s nursing an over prised bottle of beer staring at the puffy white flesh of the teenagers on the stage trying to pole dance to Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now) (with came out in 1991) (or possibly 1990 depending on if you where in the usa or not eather why it misses the 80 by about a year) most of the sweaty puffy flesh kids probubly wondering why there isnt the “rock this party” being shouted over the track, (what kind of crazy remix is that). The place evan had staff walking arounf with optics fild with corkeys witch is the current trendy “shot”. Probubly more fucking suger in it that alcahol. All the crazy kids seem to like the cream egg flavor one. Dear god have it come to this they have to make alcahol sweets falovor, im shure soon ther will be some sweets/alcahol/corporate cross over. “ladyes and gentalmen I give you the vodka smarties mcflurry.

So inshort if you want to enjoy reflex. Buy 20 cream eggs, 1 hyperdermic saringe, and a bottle of vodka. Inject vodka into the cream eggs, then eat them. Now do you feel that sickness, that dabetic coma coming on? Now drink the rest of the vodaka. Go to reflex. Hold the contence of your stomach, and be drunk enouth to not care of your saroundings.
Welcome to hell. Welcome to reflex

Just not cut out for life



Im sure that in natural selection im the little fat one at the back with the gammy leg. If it weren’t for modern meds and torturing animals I wouldn’t be here. Probably my diet of beer bacon and Chinese take aways, doesn’t help. But the bacons grilled, the Chinese is with out MSG and cooked by a ti chi master, and the beer is crisp and cold. Mummmm beer.

But anyhoo I decided best do a bit of running about as my man boobies or moobes as I like to call them are getting bigger than an a cup, and stares are becoming in inconvenience. (Not relly). Golf relly wasn’t much exercise for a 26 year old. So badders it was. 6 months later and a few achy legs I was running around more and more so I upped it to twice a week. Now 3 month later a have popped in a few games of squash.
So the last week has gone. Fri, squash, Sunday squash, Monday badders, Tuesday squash, Wednesday badders, Thursday squash. Its Thursday and im supposed to be playing squash tonight. The only thing is ive destroyed my elbow. I could barely pick up the shopping. Witch consisted of a 2ltr bottle of water pint of milk and a newspaper. My health is a constant battle. Mouth ulcers, whitlows, head aches. Its almost is if I have radiation poisoning.

Can’t wait till they clone me a new body ill have my body back when I was 19. That way I can wreck it again. Wonder if they can give me a bigger pee pee.

65 evan better than the first time I saw then
tired irie good band check them out
back broken too old for jumping about
body brused from squash and running into the wall
liver broken
still hate London…. Espesaly Camden
electric ball room is cool tho
tired
happy
need co-co pops