Well its taken 23 days for something interesting to happen to me. My blog was getting a bit me moaning at customers, so I thought I should cut back on thins an maintain my high lvl of quality in my posts cough cough hahahahahahhahahhahahahahh
Se I was going to write about some crazy man that came in my shop wanting his glasses fixed, but not actually having the lenses with him. He wanted me to put the lenses back in, but the lenses where at his house, the frame was with him. For some reason he didn’t seem to see a problem with this. When I pointed out that when I fix things I usury like the thing im trying to fix and all its parts at least in the same room as me. He became upset. Not because of my sarcasm, but because he thought they where unfixable. I repeatedly had to explain that they where fixable just a screw had come loose (possibly from the old man as well) and that if he came in with the frame and the lenses I could put them all back together. After 15 mins he still couldn’t grasp this simple premise that I couldn’t magic up his lenses from his house. And he left upset that I was unwilling to help him. Well I said I wasn’t going to say all that, but I typed it and you just read it… so I guess I did.
The most amusing things in my blog are the misfortunate things that happen to me. And nothing of any amusing misfortune has happened to me (but all your misfortune amuses us I hear you cry).
Well I was driving to work today on the A303 when my car stats making this whistling noise. I check my window, then the passenger window. The doors are closed. Humm …..Maybe the boots going to fly open! Now that where my train of thought stopped, when relly it should have carried on and thought of a plan. Because it was DEFNATLY GOING TO HAPPEN 3 SECONDS AFTER I THOUGH THIS. Im over taking a car and think he was probably more scared than me. A little dirty red 106 goes past him and the boot flies open revealing golf clubs, squash racquets badminton parafnalia, and the most of his worries my laundry. As im hitting the hazards and looking for a place to stop. He’s crapping himself swerving all over the shop. coz of the passell shelf I don’t know if or what things are flying out. I don’t what to slam on the anchors as I could loose my grundies all over the road and have to retrieve them. (im not talking about soiling my self threw fear im talking about loosing my laundry bag). My ghetto modded spoiler car evenly pulls up. And I go and sort it out. as far as I can tell ive lost nothing. With is quite impressive and the boot was full. Witch may have caused the problem in the first place.
Here to a new year and always being calm in a crisis
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Standing in the queue at the super market this morning. And exchange between the cashier and a customer
“You got your hearing aid in?”
“What?”
“You got your hearing aid in?”
“What?”
“Do you have your hearing aid in?”
“What?”
“Do you have your hearing aid in?”
“What?”
“DO YOU HAVE YOUR HEARING AID IN?”
“What?”
“DO YOU HAVE YOUR HEARING AID IN?”
“YES”
It was like a two Ronnie’s sketch
After I had asked the second time if it was me and not the cashier I would had wrongly assumed the answer to be no, and stopped asking. Only threw determination did she find the truth I would have missed. Eather way I presume the rest of the conversation was going to be difficult hearing aid or not
“You got your hearing aid in?”
“What?”
“You got your hearing aid in?”
“What?”
“Do you have your hearing aid in?”
“What?”
“Do you have your hearing aid in?”
“What?”
“DO YOU HAVE YOUR HEARING AID IN?”
“What?”
“DO YOU HAVE YOUR HEARING AID IN?”
“YES”
It was like a two Ronnie’s sketch
After I had asked the second time if it was me and not the cashier I would had wrongly assumed the answer to be no, and stopped asking. Only threw determination did she find the truth I would have missed. Eather way I presume the rest of the conversation was going to be difficult hearing aid or not
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
theres a new sheeet cannon song up,
its not a lp track, its a gift made for a friend, but everyone might as well revel in its majesty
you almost cant tell it was made in less time than it takes a drunk adolesent to have sex
enjoy (smerk)
http://www.myspace.com/sheeetcannon
its not a lp track, its a gift made for a friend, but everyone might as well revel in its majesty
you almost cant tell it was made in less time than it takes a drunk adolesent to have sex
enjoy (smerk)
http://www.myspace.com/sheeetcannon
Monday, December 17, 2007
The post office saps you life
I fucking hate the post office with a passion you can only dream of. And I hate everyone and there stupid actions that’s makes me go to the post office. Ive not needed to go to the post office for myself in years. If have only had to go to the post office because people have been numb nuts and I have to sort something out.
I order a couple of hundred spec cases, the turned up with spec savers logo on. (The should have gone to spec savers…… see what I did there…… kill me) instead of me being able to send them back via the colour. I had to wait for a first class pre payed sticker to arrive. Then take it to the post office. I thought, on no big drama, the package is big, about the size of a washing machine, bit it only weighs a few kg’s. Lucky for me the sorting office is across the road. I walk in and the guy looks at me and this huge box. He grunts with a true lack of customer service that even though it pre payed, and needs noting doing to it I actually have to take it to the counter in the proper post office. Witch is the other side of town. I carry it around there, 10 min walk and this box is bigger than me, so its hard to carry, almost broken a bit of a sweat. The woman looks at me and says. Ohh that pre payed, you need to take that to the sorting… I interrupter her just so she cant finish and tell me what I already know. The guy there made me bring it here. Did he? YES!!!! I know exactly what she wants to say. (Well he shouldn’t have). Well your eather taking this box or im leaving it here on the floor… she takes it knowing full well that one of them has to now wait till im gone and carry it back to the sorting office.
Today like every week before xmas , I get the contact lens patents call. “oh know woe is me the stealth xmas crept up on me again I had no idea it was going to be the 25th of dec this year I haven’t ordered and lenses, my life is ruined is all your fault Harry you desised when charismas should be and no your going to be closed on that day” wankers. So in a last ditched attempt I try to post their lenses to them, but that means it has to be done today. 1 week before, or their no chance. So I pitch up at the consignia office. That has a queue out the door. By some mirical all 6 tills are operating. And their was a woman with a bum bag, taking the envelopes off the old people that are two thick to buy stamps elsewhere. So bless them the boss has had the right idea. The queue isn’t helping, coz the middle ages daily mail readers that this is the first time they have been in the post office since last year, are spending 10 mins complaining as soon as they get to the till. I get to the front of the queue. Woo. Get to the desk. There is a guy slower that a sloth.
Is like to send this stuff please….
Where?
The address is on the box. Already written it
Ok
(I pop the stuff in the scales)
They all weight the same, coz they’re the same thing
You still need to weigh them
Fine. (im trying to be quick, coz 1 I want to get back to work, and 2 the guy who’s read faced in the queue looks like hes going to kick off)
The guy goes that’s going to be 109……
I know per box
Hang on. That 109 per box
I know
Is that ok
Yes its fine I already knew the cost
Did you?
Yes
How?
Look can I just send this stuff and get out of here
He looks at me like im getting shirty…. Not noticing the crowd behind me baying for blood
He prints out the postage labels at a speed slower than ice age. Then with pantomime mocking, sticks the them on, slowly and carefully rubbing out all the air bubbles. Then carry s on rubbing each one for about 30 seconds longer than nursery. Then instead of taking it he gives me the stuff back and says I have to go queue up and put it in the post box. Admittedly the queue is quite fast for this, but why the fuck cant he take it, one of the staff has to go open the post box anyway. Then I spend another few mins negotiating my receipt from him.
It’s taken over half an hour just to post 2 boxes that where too big to fit into the normal post box. That probably won’t Evan get to the post box in time
But more fun will come on towards the end of the week, when people will order lenses coz they forgot it was xmas, and either the contact lens manufacture is closed or that they want to pick them up from my shop on xmas day. That when the real fun starts
I fucking hate the post office with a passion you can only dream of. And I hate everyone and there stupid actions that’s makes me go to the post office. Ive not needed to go to the post office for myself in years. If have only had to go to the post office because people have been numb nuts and I have to sort something out.
I order a couple of hundred spec cases, the turned up with spec savers logo on. (The should have gone to spec savers…… see what I did there…… kill me) instead of me being able to send them back via the colour. I had to wait for a first class pre payed sticker to arrive. Then take it to the post office. I thought, on no big drama, the package is big, about the size of a washing machine, bit it only weighs a few kg’s. Lucky for me the sorting office is across the road. I walk in and the guy looks at me and this huge box. He grunts with a true lack of customer service that even though it pre payed, and needs noting doing to it I actually have to take it to the counter in the proper post office. Witch is the other side of town. I carry it around there, 10 min walk and this box is bigger than me, so its hard to carry, almost broken a bit of a sweat. The woman looks at me and says. Ohh that pre payed, you need to take that to the sorting… I interrupter her just so she cant finish and tell me what I already know. The guy there made me bring it here. Did he? YES!!!! I know exactly what she wants to say. (Well he shouldn’t have). Well your eather taking this box or im leaving it here on the floor… she takes it knowing full well that one of them has to now wait till im gone and carry it back to the sorting office.
Today like every week before xmas , I get the contact lens patents call. “oh know woe is me the stealth xmas crept up on me again I had no idea it was going to be the 25th of dec this year I haven’t ordered and lenses, my life is ruined is all your fault Harry you desised when charismas should be and no your going to be closed on that day” wankers. So in a last ditched attempt I try to post their lenses to them, but that means it has to be done today. 1 week before, or their no chance. So I pitch up at the consignia office. That has a queue out the door. By some mirical all 6 tills are operating. And their was a woman with a bum bag, taking the envelopes off the old people that are two thick to buy stamps elsewhere. So bless them the boss has had the right idea. The queue isn’t helping, coz the middle ages daily mail readers that this is the first time they have been in the post office since last year, are spending 10 mins complaining as soon as they get to the till. I get to the front of the queue. Woo. Get to the desk. There is a guy slower that a sloth.
Is like to send this stuff please….
Where?
The address is on the box. Already written it
Ok
(I pop the stuff in the scales)
They all weight the same, coz they’re the same thing
You still need to weigh them
Fine. (im trying to be quick, coz 1 I want to get back to work, and 2 the guy who’s read faced in the queue looks like hes going to kick off)
The guy goes that’s going to be 109……
I know per box
Hang on. That 109 per box
I know
Is that ok
Yes its fine I already knew the cost
Did you?
Yes
How?
Look can I just send this stuff and get out of here
He looks at me like im getting shirty…. Not noticing the crowd behind me baying for blood
He prints out the postage labels at a speed slower than ice age. Then with pantomime mocking, sticks the them on, slowly and carefully rubbing out all the air bubbles. Then carry s on rubbing each one for about 30 seconds longer than nursery. Then instead of taking it he gives me the stuff back and says I have to go queue up and put it in the post box. Admittedly the queue is quite fast for this, but why the fuck cant he take it, one of the staff has to go open the post box anyway. Then I spend another few mins negotiating my receipt from him.
It’s taken over half an hour just to post 2 boxes that where too big to fit into the normal post box. That probably won’t Evan get to the post box in time
But more fun will come on towards the end of the week, when people will order lenses coz they forgot it was xmas, and either the contact lens manufacture is closed or that they want to pick them up from my shop on xmas day. That when the real fun starts
Monday, December 03, 2007
My big mouth + being an idiot magnet = calling for Andy like a girl
Well I was feeling ill so I didn’t really want to go out, but a few people where so I thought what the hell, a couple of glasses of pop down the mills wont hurt. Bad thing was the mills was hired out. So Andy decided we should try the angel, because they have a pool table. We get there there’s a band on. In the top bar however there is a poker tournament on, and it looks like its been going on all day. And only one table is still being used, the rest are being turned back into pub tables. The noise wasn’t too loud up there so that’s where we stayed. From where I was sitting a say the end of the poker tournament. I count see any cards but I saw who won. A few mins later some kid. At the oldest he was 18 but I doubt it, collapses next to our table. Hes gone. Eyes rolling into head. Some blokes just pop him in a chair at our table. Hes dribbling and looking like hes not having a good time anymore. Then a big shoelace of dribble stats to emerge from his mouth. Quick as a flash Ben and myself whip out our phones and start taking a souvenir snap. The winner of the poker tournament who is dancing on his own, and fallen over a few times, sees this and comes over and sits next to me.
“Oi you cant take pictures of my mate”
“ohh ok sorry man. He just looks really funny hes gone”
“Yeah ive been here since 10:30”
“I ment him but ok…. If hes your mate, shouldn’t you be taking him home or getting him a cab”
“Who?”
“That bloke you said he was your mate.”
“Na I don’t know him”
“Right you just said I shouldn’t take pictures of your mate”
“Ohh I just came over for some banter”
“I see”
“So coz hes almost passed out do you want to rape him?”
“umm… no thanks, but with all us being here, don’t let that stop you”
He says amazing banter a lot, copies all my actions like mimes when im having a sip of my drink. Has a good crack at insulting me and interrupts so I cant get a word in edge ways. He bimbles off for a few mins then come back. He starts trying to engage in banter again. I quickly interrupt
“So I see you won the poker thing”
“No”
“Really?…. but I saw you holding the trophy”
Said extremely sarcastically “Na I was just holding it for a laugh”
I top this by crossing sarcastic and gullible together. “Really…. Oh my god buy doing that it made me think you had won, and when people asked me who had one I told them it was you…. Oh now ive made such a mistake… you holding that trophy for a laugh has caused so much confusion…. I think you should make a speech saying who the real winner was and what you where doing was only for a joke”
“I did really win”
“Yes I know”
Just then a middle age woman trips over and imaginary invisible tortoise. She comes crashing down with a humongous thud and looks like she landed badly. No one come to her aid for about 2 mins (possibly longer). At this point poker champ changes up a gear and turns into a Russell brand wannabe. He basically tries to gross me out. (something very few people on the planet can do) he starts buy say that I want to but one of my nuts in her and I say something along the lines of I think he should have a go coz if I can only get a nut in im sure he can get more in I know she’s old but he can thumb in his softy. This exchange goes back and forth for a while then he goes. Hes genuinely laughing and he looks bright and friendly and keeps saying top banter at me. Andy however says something along the lines of “fuck Harry I thought I was going to have to get up then” I was genuinely shocked. He guy seemed aggressive but playful. He starts dancing again. Wilts first aid is being admistered to the middle aged woman. The landlady is investigating how she fell. I catch her attention and say I was watching and she didn’t trip on the step the floor wasn’t wet, she just fell over. The woman and her partner seemed to basically be jumping on this pubs going to get sued line. I really hope they don’t. The plus point of this was that the landlady spoke to me and knew that I was not drunk. Well I was be she knew I was sensible witnessed the event and knew what happened.
The some other kid collapsed, ive never seen so many people keel over in one pub in such a short space of time.
Well leanna was looking horrified bless her. But I still thought this was all in good fun and height spirits
We where told to drink up, and leanna grabbed my pint and took a massive swig as a point that she wanted to leave, she hates beer
I went rightly dokey, going to go drain the lizard before we hit the dusty trail.
On the way to the look a middle-aged guy catches my eye,
“Seems you have made a friend there”
“TUT (look to the sky) … yeah hes like a skin head Russell brand”
The guy looks I bit horrified and said I sound have said that……
Just as I finish evacuating wee wee from my body, the loo door gets kicked in on me
In the door way is Russell brand wannabe
“wooh shit you almost did me a mischief”
He just looks at me….. Long pause then puts a hand on me
“Ive seen your Russell brand impression now an I going to see your George Michael one”
His eyes have changed from having that playful sparkle to being cold
“You have insulted me tonight”
“Well… we where having some banter you gave as good as you got”
He puts his back to one side of the doorframe and arm on the other wedging himself in the way. His other had not strangling me but just below my throght pushing me against the wall. The loos have over flowed and the floor is almost over the rubber on my shoes. When I was walking out the loo I was holding my trouser legs in a way as to not drag in the piss. So complete unprepared I put my right arm under his. Wedging him almost at arms length. Basically so he can’t head butt me. At this point ive realised he doesn’t need the loo as I try to walk out a few times. He has the drunken look of some one wanting a fight
“Look pal, we had a bit of fun talking bollox… we had a bit of banter it was a good laugh. You have won the poker tournament; we both have had a bit to drink. It’s been a good day. So if you don’t mind ill be off”
“You insulted me”
“Well im sorry if I upset you, but you said a lot of stuff about me…. I thought we where having a laugh”
“You insulted me”
“Well you came and sat down and started insulting me… I didn’t ask for that”
At this point he tried to head butt me. My grip is good and he misses.
“Do I scare you?”
“no… I thing you have had too much to drink…”
He head buts again grips still good …. Misses
“Do I scare you?”
“No you don’t”
3rd try he misses
“Do I scare you?”
“No you bloody don’t. You have too much to drink; I think you should just let me go. Then you can use the loo” (I was trying to distract him…. Wed been stood there for a while, he drank a lot hoped it would make him need the loo and forget about head butting me. It didn’t work.
At this point I could hear a lot of voices in the corridor out side the loo…. One of them is Andy’s. The guy realises its my mate too.
“Im going to hit you now”
“Look just let me go”
He starts to let go of the doorframe getting ready to punch me. Coz im off balance and sliding around in piss, I have to time my action just right. I could get a punch in first. Only problem is my right hand is stopping him getting close if I take that off im going to get a nutting. And a punch from my left is about as strong as having those little seeds blow of a dandy lion at you… and I already had him at my arms length so I could barely reach him. I could grab his nuts….. Pretty sure that would make the situation worse.
So I pushed against him off the wall I was pushed up against. Surprisingly he moved quite a lot and slipped on the piss. Sadly he extremely quickly knew what was happening and rammed himself back between the doorframe. And I had no choice but to step back out of head butting range. So pinned again.
So more talking ensued. I cant rely remember who it went but im pretty sure it was me repeating stuff like we had a good night now lets not spoil it being silly.
The voices in the corridor where getting louder there was more and more people. I could hear Andy and Ben now…. They where 1 step out side the door. Why the hell didn’t they just make that one step and this guy surely would let me go….
He released his arm from the doorframe and made a fist. I was going to have to act. Only chance was the push. I was getting ready to take a punch and then push him off balance. Then make a move for the door hopeing I don’t slip on the piss. Or that his punch actually dose any damage.
“Call for your mate”
“What?”
“Call for your mate”
“Sorry I don’t understand” (what is this that bit at the end of terminator 2…. )I thought this but thought better of saying it)
“I was him to see me hit you and I want to beat 2 of you up”
“Right?”
“CALL HIM I want to beat two of you up”
“ANDY!!!!!” it came out 3 octaves higher than I wanted. I was trying to project my voice into the hall so he would hear and that I wouldn’t have to call him more than once. I knew that they would all come in. it’s a real shame it came out as a girly call for help.
“You pussy!!”
“What?”
“You called for your mate”
“You told me too, you said you wanted to beat both of us up”
He started to look confused and called me a pussy for calling for my mate
Andy came in, followed by the middle-aged guy, then Ben.
The guy looked around at them and weekend his grip. I pushed forward and made ground, I pushed passed him. As Andy walked towards us. I was passed him. I quickly walked out. Best thing to do was leave, so he couldn’t follow and that this couldn’t spill out onto the street. I was met by the landlady and landlord asking if I was aright, the a bouncer asking if I was ok. Then all my friends.
We snuck off into the cold night with another story of how I narrowly avoided getting a punch and covered in other peoples piss.
Well that pub is the pub we go to after badminton….. Lets see if they have anything to say to me.
Im sure I haven’t remembered it all. If any one has please stick it in the comments
Well I was feeling ill so I didn’t really want to go out, but a few people where so I thought what the hell, a couple of glasses of pop down the mills wont hurt. Bad thing was the mills was hired out. So Andy decided we should try the angel, because they have a pool table. We get there there’s a band on. In the top bar however there is a poker tournament on, and it looks like its been going on all day. And only one table is still being used, the rest are being turned back into pub tables. The noise wasn’t too loud up there so that’s where we stayed. From where I was sitting a say the end of the poker tournament. I count see any cards but I saw who won. A few mins later some kid. At the oldest he was 18 but I doubt it, collapses next to our table. Hes gone. Eyes rolling into head. Some blokes just pop him in a chair at our table. Hes dribbling and looking like hes not having a good time anymore. Then a big shoelace of dribble stats to emerge from his mouth. Quick as a flash Ben and myself whip out our phones and start taking a souvenir snap. The winner of the poker tournament who is dancing on his own, and fallen over a few times, sees this and comes over and sits next to me.
“Oi you cant take pictures of my mate”
“ohh ok sorry man. He just looks really funny hes gone”
“Yeah ive been here since 10:30”
“I ment him but ok…. If hes your mate, shouldn’t you be taking him home or getting him a cab”
“Who?”
“That bloke you said he was your mate.”
“Na I don’t know him”
“Right you just said I shouldn’t take pictures of your mate”
“Ohh I just came over for some banter”
“I see”
“So coz hes almost passed out do you want to rape him?”
“umm… no thanks, but with all us being here, don’t let that stop you”
He says amazing banter a lot, copies all my actions like mimes when im having a sip of my drink. Has a good crack at insulting me and interrupts so I cant get a word in edge ways. He bimbles off for a few mins then come back. He starts trying to engage in banter again. I quickly interrupt
“So I see you won the poker thing”
“No”
“Really?…. but I saw you holding the trophy”
Said extremely sarcastically “Na I was just holding it for a laugh”
I top this by crossing sarcastic and gullible together. “Really…. Oh my god buy doing that it made me think you had won, and when people asked me who had one I told them it was you…. Oh now ive made such a mistake… you holding that trophy for a laugh has caused so much confusion…. I think you should make a speech saying who the real winner was and what you where doing was only for a joke”
“I did really win”
“Yes I know”
Just then a middle age woman trips over and imaginary invisible tortoise. She comes crashing down with a humongous thud and looks like she landed badly. No one come to her aid for about 2 mins (possibly longer). At this point poker champ changes up a gear and turns into a Russell brand wannabe. He basically tries to gross me out. (something very few people on the planet can do) he starts buy say that I want to but one of my nuts in her and I say something along the lines of I think he should have a go coz if I can only get a nut in im sure he can get more in I know she’s old but he can thumb in his softy. This exchange goes back and forth for a while then he goes. Hes genuinely laughing and he looks bright and friendly and keeps saying top banter at me. Andy however says something along the lines of “fuck Harry I thought I was going to have to get up then” I was genuinely shocked. He guy seemed aggressive but playful. He starts dancing again. Wilts first aid is being admistered to the middle aged woman. The landlady is investigating how she fell. I catch her attention and say I was watching and she didn’t trip on the step the floor wasn’t wet, she just fell over. The woman and her partner seemed to basically be jumping on this pubs going to get sued line. I really hope they don’t. The plus point of this was that the landlady spoke to me and knew that I was not drunk. Well I was be she knew I was sensible witnessed the event and knew what happened.
The some other kid collapsed, ive never seen so many people keel over in one pub in such a short space of time.
Well leanna was looking horrified bless her. But I still thought this was all in good fun and height spirits
We where told to drink up, and leanna grabbed my pint and took a massive swig as a point that she wanted to leave, she hates beer
I went rightly dokey, going to go drain the lizard before we hit the dusty trail.
On the way to the look a middle-aged guy catches my eye,
“Seems you have made a friend there”
“TUT (look to the sky) … yeah hes like a skin head Russell brand”
The guy looks I bit horrified and said I sound have said that……
Just as I finish evacuating wee wee from my body, the loo door gets kicked in on me
In the door way is Russell brand wannabe
“wooh shit you almost did me a mischief”
He just looks at me….. Long pause then puts a hand on me
“Ive seen your Russell brand impression now an I going to see your George Michael one”
His eyes have changed from having that playful sparkle to being cold
“You have insulted me tonight”
“Well… we where having some banter you gave as good as you got”
He puts his back to one side of the doorframe and arm on the other wedging himself in the way. His other had not strangling me but just below my throght pushing me against the wall. The loos have over flowed and the floor is almost over the rubber on my shoes. When I was walking out the loo I was holding my trouser legs in a way as to not drag in the piss. So complete unprepared I put my right arm under his. Wedging him almost at arms length. Basically so he can’t head butt me. At this point ive realised he doesn’t need the loo as I try to walk out a few times. He has the drunken look of some one wanting a fight
“Look pal, we had a bit of fun talking bollox… we had a bit of banter it was a good laugh. You have won the poker tournament; we both have had a bit to drink. It’s been a good day. So if you don’t mind ill be off”
“You insulted me”
“Well im sorry if I upset you, but you said a lot of stuff about me…. I thought we where having a laugh”
“You insulted me”
“Well you came and sat down and started insulting me… I didn’t ask for that”
At this point he tried to head butt me. My grip is good and he misses.
“Do I scare you?”
“no… I thing you have had too much to drink…”
He head buts again grips still good …. Misses
“Do I scare you?”
“No you don’t”
3rd try he misses
“Do I scare you?”
“No you bloody don’t. You have too much to drink; I think you should just let me go. Then you can use the loo” (I was trying to distract him…. Wed been stood there for a while, he drank a lot hoped it would make him need the loo and forget about head butting me. It didn’t work.
At this point I could hear a lot of voices in the corridor out side the loo…. One of them is Andy’s. The guy realises its my mate too.
“Im going to hit you now”
“Look just let me go”
He starts to let go of the doorframe getting ready to punch me. Coz im off balance and sliding around in piss, I have to time my action just right. I could get a punch in first. Only problem is my right hand is stopping him getting close if I take that off im going to get a nutting. And a punch from my left is about as strong as having those little seeds blow of a dandy lion at you… and I already had him at my arms length so I could barely reach him. I could grab his nuts….. Pretty sure that would make the situation worse.
So I pushed against him off the wall I was pushed up against. Surprisingly he moved quite a lot and slipped on the piss. Sadly he extremely quickly knew what was happening and rammed himself back between the doorframe. And I had no choice but to step back out of head butting range. So pinned again.
So more talking ensued. I cant rely remember who it went but im pretty sure it was me repeating stuff like we had a good night now lets not spoil it being silly.
The voices in the corridor where getting louder there was more and more people. I could hear Andy and Ben now…. They where 1 step out side the door. Why the hell didn’t they just make that one step and this guy surely would let me go….
He released his arm from the doorframe and made a fist. I was going to have to act. Only chance was the push. I was getting ready to take a punch and then push him off balance. Then make a move for the door hopeing I don’t slip on the piss. Or that his punch actually dose any damage.
“Call for your mate”
“What?”
“Call for your mate”
“Sorry I don’t understand” (what is this that bit at the end of terminator 2…. )I thought this but thought better of saying it)
“I was him to see me hit you and I want to beat 2 of you up”
“Right?”
“CALL HIM I want to beat two of you up”
“ANDY!!!!!” it came out 3 octaves higher than I wanted. I was trying to project my voice into the hall so he would hear and that I wouldn’t have to call him more than once. I knew that they would all come in. it’s a real shame it came out as a girly call for help.
“You pussy!!”
“What?”
“You called for your mate”
“You told me too, you said you wanted to beat both of us up”
He started to look confused and called me a pussy for calling for my mate
Andy came in, followed by the middle-aged guy, then Ben.
The guy looked around at them and weekend his grip. I pushed forward and made ground, I pushed passed him. As Andy walked towards us. I was passed him. I quickly walked out. Best thing to do was leave, so he couldn’t follow and that this couldn’t spill out onto the street. I was met by the landlady and landlord asking if I was aright, the a bouncer asking if I was ok. Then all my friends.
We snuck off into the cold night with another story of how I narrowly avoided getting a punch and covered in other peoples piss.
Well that pub is the pub we go to after badminton….. Lets see if they have anything to say to me.
Im sure I haven’t remembered it all. If any one has please stick it in the comments
Friday, November 30, 2007
A day of miracles of medical science
I passed some women in the street and over herd them talking about how one of them was going into hospital tomorrow to have there cartridge done, you cartridge done in there over weight arthritic knee. Not Cartilage, but their cartridge. And then the replying woman said “my frank had to have is cartage done too… he was of work for 4 weeks.” Peasants
Then a bloke came in my shop and asked me if I could examine his teeth. His fucking teeth. I explained (very slowly) that an optician deals with eyes. He looked at me a bit put out and said well this is a medical sort of place and it must be a similar sort of thing….
And the best of all. A bloke said his aunty (he defiantly said aunty I checked) was dieing of prostate cancer
Now I’m pretty sure that the prostate is a male only bit of anatomy. (Happy for anyone to prove me wrong) I know that there are plenty of unused “cross over” bits of anatomy. Eg I know that a couple of years ago. More men actually died of breast cancer than women. But when I said did he mean pancreatic cancer. (coz they sound a bit simaler…. Well they both start with a P) nope he got mildly angry and insisted it was prostate cancer and his aunty.
Suppose she could be a hermaphrodite. But as far as I know there pretty dead in the reproduction bits, so I’m not sure they would have a gland that deals with the production of population paste.
But like I said I'm not an expert
I passed some women in the street and over herd them talking about how one of them was going into hospital tomorrow to have there cartridge done, you cartridge done in there over weight arthritic knee. Not Cartilage, but their cartridge. And then the replying woman said “my frank had to have is cartage done too… he was of work for 4 weeks.” Peasants
Then a bloke came in my shop and asked me if I could examine his teeth. His fucking teeth. I explained (very slowly) that an optician deals with eyes. He looked at me a bit put out and said well this is a medical sort of place and it must be a similar sort of thing….
And the best of all. A bloke said his aunty (he defiantly said aunty I checked) was dieing of prostate cancer
Now I’m pretty sure that the prostate is a male only bit of anatomy. (Happy for anyone to prove me wrong) I know that there are plenty of unused “cross over” bits of anatomy. Eg I know that a couple of years ago. More men actually died of breast cancer than women. But when I said did he mean pancreatic cancer. (coz they sound a bit simaler…. Well they both start with a P) nope he got mildly angry and insisted it was prostate cancer and his aunty.
Suppose she could be a hermaphrodite. But as far as I know there pretty dead in the reproduction bits, so I’m not sure they would have a gland that deals with the production of population paste.
But like I said I'm not an expert
Saturday, November 24, 2007
The seen, me tapping away on the compy.
Enter old man
“hello. Can I help you?”
“its alright lad…. I can see”
“ok….?”
“ive just been using the cash mashine next door”
“ok…..?”
“its giving me trouble”
“right?”
“it gave me 10 pounds”
“right……”
“I wanted 2 fivers”
“ok…. You do realsis that this is an opticians and the cash mashine next door is on the wall of the actulal bank that it belongs to?”
“yes”
(I look at him blankly)
“cant you just give me 2 fivers”
“no…. try the bank”
“fine… sorry to put you out” (said quite sarcasticly)
“thank you bye bye…….(door closes) ”
Enter old man
“hello. Can I help you?”
“its alright lad…. I can see”
“ok….?”
“ive just been using the cash mashine next door”
“ok…..?”
“its giving me trouble”
“right?”
“it gave me 10 pounds”
“right……”
“I wanted 2 fivers”
“ok…. You do realsis that this is an opticians and the cash mashine next door is on the wall of the actulal bank that it belongs to?”
“yes”
(I look at him blankly)
“cant you just give me 2 fivers”
“no…. try the bank”
“fine… sorry to put you out” (said quite sarcasticly)
“thank you bye bye…….(door closes) ”
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Gambling the slippery slope
Now I’m not sure if I’m working class or middle class, I’m probably a fine line between upper working and lower middle. Everyone that when we get into this banned pub conversion has a different opion of me. Banned pub topics also include, science, politics, philosophy, time travel, the speed of light, soseo economic groupings, immigration, the media, nimmo club, and anything wongo says.
So basically I’m not very good at pretending to be working class and I’m just passable at work pretending to be a little bit middle class when the ocation calls for it. I’m generally paseved to be a drip by builder’s mechanics plumbers and roofers. This is probably why I can never get my car fixed.
“Excuse me”
“What?”
“Hullo, I was wondering if I could book my car in, there seems to be a problem with the fuel management chip”
“Yeah?”
“Well the engine seems to be revving uncontrollably”
“You sure?”
“Well yes”
“Ok well take a look”
I come back 9 hours later after sitting on my ass all day coz I have no car.
“Hullo again, some one was supposed to phone me to say….”
“What?”
“Umm… is my car fixed?”
“na …. Didn’t get around to it.”
“ohh….so….umm”
“well il have a look tomorrow.”
“but I need it to morrow to get to work. That’s why I came in today”
“well… you best book it in for next week then”
“ok”
day wasted
Cutting a long story short when they finally did look at it the said it was broken, but couldn’t be bothered to fix it as the job was a bit of a hassle, the car was still moving, so what’s the pint. Well I thought the point would be to not help exhaust the worlds supply of petrol unnecessarily.
My main problem with middle class people is I can’t tell when they’re winding me up. Or if I can I just find it so unamuseing I carry on as normal as if to go “ha ha I can see right threw your stupid game I know the haven’t taken gullible out of the dictionary I only said oh on have they why? I used that word a lot what am I going to do now” but it always backfires and I wind up looking thick.
My mate Chris has written a similar blog about this and his own experiences I cant be bothered to link you to the exact article, but its linked in the margin to his blog.
I can handle going into a spit and saw dust pub in my suit. You get a few stairs, but as soon as you say “pint of fosters please, mate” that’s you fine. Mate the word of the working class, the pass word the let them know your in their club. And you have to use manners in the wrong order, like they are tacked on like you normal forget or wouldn’t use them.
“Please may I have a pint of fosters” becomes “pint of fosters. Please. Mate.”
Simple switch round and your covered.
Getting on to the point. Bookies, bookmakers, betting shops. Inhabited my tramps lo lifes and dogs on bits of string. These places are as un known to me as the dark side of the sun. I have been in them maybe once or twice. First time was with a guy from collage who wanted to put a bet on. We went in and I looked at the banks of TV screens with pretty much hieroglyphics on. The stench of smoke and old man piss hit me like a train. And you can tell by looking at some people that’s what they do, they go in 10 to 5, and blow their money. Shit when I retire I plan on doing that but just in a pub instead. At least ill get something out of it. (Probably serosis of the liver)
As I walked passed the bookies I saw the odds on Croatia winning was 7 – 1. Now that’s not a bad return. And that if I put a bet on them winning 2-0 that was 40 to 1. So if I placed two bets fiver on each. And Croatia do win 2-0 I get almost 250 sterling’s, if Croatia just win that 40sterlings, so tenner terns into 40 quid or if I’m really lucky £245. I thought that’s not a bad idea. Mum has brought me up not to gamble. And I have seen mates do it and loose a lot of money. I don’t Evan play fruit machines. I do play quiz machines but that’s coz I like the quiz part not the tiny chance I could win some money. The ways England have been playing. An id don’t know much about football, but I know that Gerard and lampard cant play together (I herd it in the pub so it must be true), and that putting in a 22 year old goal keeper with hardly any experience was probably a bad idea. I was thinking more and more that my bet was a good idea. But to go in the bookies was another. 2 years ago. I saw that lordi where 17 to 1 to win Eurovision. And I let that slip me by coz I wouldn’t go in and brave the dirty people. I had a look at betting web sites, but I had to sign up and then pay with a credit card and then take my money back off them and they charged to actually get you winnings and stuff. Waste of time and bad idea. Worst thing was tho. I have no idea who to fill in a betting slip. I sqoured the inter net for help. Al I could find was I had to go and Wright it don on a betting slip, ask about the odds, pay, then hopefully win. I was panicking coz I cant Evan spell Croatia. Just as I had plucked up the courage two blokes came out of the bookies and into my shop. They had more flys on them than the average Ethiopian in a comic relief video. 20 min later, id finished working on my deep breathing exercises to get ready for the possible 5 mins I would have to hold my breath. Hold you breath avoid eye contact, you don’t want anyone talking to you. GO GO GO. I’m in. screens, paper, tramps everyware. Shit! Fuck what slips are for what? People are looking at me! I’m in the way of the TV, where some strange looking animals are racing. Cock it! Spots me a sign for football. Yes! Over there! There are loads of different types of slip. All different matches all different forms. I find the right one I tick the boxes. I take it to the woman at the counter that looks lonely without a B&H hanging from the side of her mouth. I hand it over. “Please could you check it, I’m new at this” she looks at me funny and reads out my bet loud. Croatia to win, and Croatia to win 2 – 0” “um yeah that right” I here the audible ruffle from everyone in the place turning to stare at me. “He’s betting against England” I gulp. “He’s unpatriotic”. It was almost like panto. I was pretty much booed and hissed as I pass over my money. I darted for the door and back to the safety of my shop.
Now I have to go back and get my winnings, I'm expecting a lynch mob of old men is macs that smell like yak piss to waiting to string me up and set there little dogs on bits of string leads on me.
I accidentally turned tom into a gambler too. His betting system was crazy. I hope he wrights a guest bit. Ill try to convince him
*************************************************************************************
guest blog from tom
Well Harry asked me to write a bit on his blog of our gambling exploits over the Croatia V England football fixture in which we lost. Harry chose a likely result of Croatia to win which was like 7/1 so £5 got £40 return. He also put £5 on Croatia 2-0 which was at 40/1. Which would have got him £205 for his original £5. This made me laugh so I put on a very obscure bet. Neither me nor Harry had put a bet on before so was pretty hilarious just talking about it. Harry went for what he thought as a dead cert and just a chance of 2-0 as the payoff was good. So I thought, you know what, Fuck it. So I went for Croatia to win 1-0 and chose the guy who hadn’t scored in like 5 years to get the goal. This was at 120/1. So my £5 would have got me £605 return, which as a student, would suit me very well. But due to my conscience, I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to win. So I put on 2 more bets to cover any possible loss. And these bets are what prompted Harry to ask me to write a blog. I put on £3.08 on a draw which was at 9/4, so this got me £10.01 back. I also put on £1.92 on Croatia to win. This was 7/1 so I would have made back £15.36. Since I spent £10 on the 3 bets, as long as England didn’t win, I would make back between 1p and £610.36. After only 9 minutes or so my £605 win was off the cards as somebody else scored the first goal. And 10 minutes into the second half Harry’s £205 stake was lost. So we are both playing over Xbox live, with his sister giving us goal updates as we hope that England lose. Very patriotic I know. The final score 3-2 to Croatia, Harry wins £40 with a £35 profit, I win £15.36 with a £5.36 profit. The jobs a good’un. And the moral of this story. Bet for the most random thing you can, but make sure you cover yourself with other bets to make sure you don’t lose any money.
*************************************************************************************
Now I’m not sure if I’m working class or middle class, I’m probably a fine line between upper working and lower middle. Everyone that when we get into this banned pub conversion has a different opion of me. Banned pub topics also include, science, politics, philosophy, time travel, the speed of light, soseo economic groupings, immigration, the media, nimmo club, and anything wongo says.
So basically I’m not very good at pretending to be working class and I’m just passable at work pretending to be a little bit middle class when the ocation calls for it. I’m generally paseved to be a drip by builder’s mechanics plumbers and roofers. This is probably why I can never get my car fixed.
“Excuse me”
“What?”
“Hullo, I was wondering if I could book my car in, there seems to be a problem with the fuel management chip”
“Yeah?”
“Well the engine seems to be revving uncontrollably”
“You sure?”
“Well yes”
“Ok well take a look”
I come back 9 hours later after sitting on my ass all day coz I have no car.
“Hullo again, some one was supposed to phone me to say….”
“What?”
“Umm… is my car fixed?”
“na …. Didn’t get around to it.”
“ohh….so….umm”
“well il have a look tomorrow.”
“but I need it to morrow to get to work. That’s why I came in today”
“well… you best book it in for next week then”
“ok”
day wasted
Cutting a long story short when they finally did look at it the said it was broken, but couldn’t be bothered to fix it as the job was a bit of a hassle, the car was still moving, so what’s the pint. Well I thought the point would be to not help exhaust the worlds supply of petrol unnecessarily.
My main problem with middle class people is I can’t tell when they’re winding me up. Or if I can I just find it so unamuseing I carry on as normal as if to go “ha ha I can see right threw your stupid game I know the haven’t taken gullible out of the dictionary I only said oh on have they why? I used that word a lot what am I going to do now” but it always backfires and I wind up looking thick.
My mate Chris has written a similar blog about this and his own experiences I cant be bothered to link you to the exact article, but its linked in the margin to his blog.
I can handle going into a spit and saw dust pub in my suit. You get a few stairs, but as soon as you say “pint of fosters please, mate” that’s you fine. Mate the word of the working class, the pass word the let them know your in their club. And you have to use manners in the wrong order, like they are tacked on like you normal forget or wouldn’t use them.
“Please may I have a pint of fosters” becomes “pint of fosters. Please. Mate.”
Simple switch round and your covered.
Getting on to the point. Bookies, bookmakers, betting shops. Inhabited my tramps lo lifes and dogs on bits of string. These places are as un known to me as the dark side of the sun. I have been in them maybe once or twice. First time was with a guy from collage who wanted to put a bet on. We went in and I looked at the banks of TV screens with pretty much hieroglyphics on. The stench of smoke and old man piss hit me like a train. And you can tell by looking at some people that’s what they do, they go in 10 to 5, and blow their money. Shit when I retire I plan on doing that but just in a pub instead. At least ill get something out of it. (Probably serosis of the liver)
As I walked passed the bookies I saw the odds on Croatia winning was 7 – 1. Now that’s not a bad return. And that if I put a bet on them winning 2-0 that was 40 to 1. So if I placed two bets fiver on each. And Croatia do win 2-0 I get almost 250 sterling’s, if Croatia just win that 40sterlings, so tenner terns into 40 quid or if I’m really lucky £245. I thought that’s not a bad idea. Mum has brought me up not to gamble. And I have seen mates do it and loose a lot of money. I don’t Evan play fruit machines. I do play quiz machines but that’s coz I like the quiz part not the tiny chance I could win some money. The ways England have been playing. An id don’t know much about football, but I know that Gerard and lampard cant play together (I herd it in the pub so it must be true), and that putting in a 22 year old goal keeper with hardly any experience was probably a bad idea. I was thinking more and more that my bet was a good idea. But to go in the bookies was another. 2 years ago. I saw that lordi where 17 to 1 to win Eurovision. And I let that slip me by coz I wouldn’t go in and brave the dirty people. I had a look at betting web sites, but I had to sign up and then pay with a credit card and then take my money back off them and they charged to actually get you winnings and stuff. Waste of time and bad idea. Worst thing was tho. I have no idea who to fill in a betting slip. I sqoured the inter net for help. Al I could find was I had to go and Wright it don on a betting slip, ask about the odds, pay, then hopefully win. I was panicking coz I cant Evan spell Croatia. Just as I had plucked up the courage two blokes came out of the bookies and into my shop. They had more flys on them than the average Ethiopian in a comic relief video. 20 min later, id finished working on my deep breathing exercises to get ready for the possible 5 mins I would have to hold my breath. Hold you breath avoid eye contact, you don’t want anyone talking to you. GO GO GO. I’m in. screens, paper, tramps everyware. Shit! Fuck what slips are for what? People are looking at me! I’m in the way of the TV, where some strange looking animals are racing. Cock it! Spots me a sign for football. Yes! Over there! There are loads of different types of slip. All different matches all different forms. I find the right one I tick the boxes. I take it to the woman at the counter that looks lonely without a B&H hanging from the side of her mouth. I hand it over. “Please could you check it, I’m new at this” she looks at me funny and reads out my bet loud. Croatia to win, and Croatia to win 2 – 0” “um yeah that right” I here the audible ruffle from everyone in the place turning to stare at me. “He’s betting against England” I gulp. “He’s unpatriotic”. It was almost like panto. I was pretty much booed and hissed as I pass over my money. I darted for the door and back to the safety of my shop.
Now I have to go back and get my winnings, I'm expecting a lynch mob of old men is macs that smell like yak piss to waiting to string me up and set there little dogs on bits of string leads on me.
I accidentally turned tom into a gambler too. His betting system was crazy. I hope he wrights a guest bit. Ill try to convince him
*************************************************************************************
guest blog from tom
Well Harry asked me to write a bit on his blog of our gambling exploits over the Croatia V England football fixture in which we lost. Harry chose a likely result of Croatia to win which was like 7/1 so £5 got £40 return. He also put £5 on Croatia 2-0 which was at 40/1. Which would have got him £205 for his original £5. This made me laugh so I put on a very obscure bet. Neither me nor Harry had put a bet on before so was pretty hilarious just talking about it. Harry went for what he thought as a dead cert and just a chance of 2-0 as the payoff was good. So I thought, you know what, Fuck it. So I went for Croatia to win 1-0 and chose the guy who hadn’t scored in like 5 years to get the goal. This was at 120/1. So my £5 would have got me £605 return, which as a student, would suit me very well. But due to my conscience, I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to win. So I put on 2 more bets to cover any possible loss. And these bets are what prompted Harry to ask me to write a blog. I put on £3.08 on a draw which was at 9/4, so this got me £10.01 back. I also put on £1.92 on Croatia to win. This was 7/1 so I would have made back £15.36. Since I spent £10 on the 3 bets, as long as England didn’t win, I would make back between 1p and £610.36. After only 9 minutes or so my £605 win was off the cards as somebody else scored the first goal. And 10 minutes into the second half Harry’s £205 stake was lost. So we are both playing over Xbox live, with his sister giving us goal updates as we hope that England lose. Very patriotic I know. The final score 3-2 to Croatia, Harry wins £40 with a £35 profit, I win £15.36 with a £5.36 profit. The jobs a good’un. And the moral of this story. Bet for the most random thing you can, but make sure you cover yourself with other bets to make sure you don’t lose any money.
*************************************************************************************
Monday, November 19, 2007
Hell on earth
Theirs something about Andover and Friday nights…. Its just goes crazy. I’m the only person who has to go to work on Saturday so I can’t go wild. But it always does. So I try to avoid going out. Then when I'm up for full on liver destruction and it Saturday night all my mates have destroyed their livers and there bank balance the night before.
This week was lees birthday. That reminds me its today. Better fire off a txt
Friday was Andover and Saturday was Southampton. With a little tequila I did myself a mischief on Friday and I knew that Saturday was going to be tamer as everyone went for it on Friday. But we ended up in reflex
The horror
If there is anything thing I have been too sober for in my life it was that place. It’s an 80’s club. The problem with the 80’s is apart from most of you lot reading this being born then we don’t rely remember a fat lot. Yeah we have childhood play memories. But know what was going on and what was in the charts. It’s not until the 90’s and cracking into are adolescents that we really stated paying attention. And most of the music they where playing in there was really from the early 90’s when lets face it pop music became shit. There was the split where people started either cracking out shell suits and glow sticks. Or putting on dirty jeans, black tee shirts and padded lumber jack shirts. You watched top of the pops to see if there was any chance that the music you like could accidentally creep on and get away with it for 3 and a half mins.
So I was in a place playing music from a different decade to what was advertised, surrounded by a crush of people that think they remember the 80’s but where most likely born in 1988, and then on the out skirts where people actually old enough to remember the 80’s and probly the 70’s nursing an over prised bottle of beer staring at the puffy white flesh of the teenagers on the stage trying to pole dance to Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now) (with came out in 1991) (or possibly 1990 depending on if you where in the usa or not eather why it misses the 80 by about a year) most of the sweaty puffy flesh kids probubly wondering why there isnt the “rock this party” being shouted over the track, (what kind of crazy remix is that). The place evan had staff walking arounf with optics fild with corkeys witch is the current trendy “shot”. Probubly more fucking suger in it that alcahol. All the crazy kids seem to like the cream egg flavor one. Dear god have it come to this they have to make alcahol sweets falovor, im shure soon ther will be some sweets/alcahol/corporate cross over. “ladyes and gentalmen I give you the vodka smarties mcflurry.
So inshort if you want to enjoy reflex. Buy 20 cream eggs, 1 hyperdermic saringe, and a bottle of vodka. Inject vodka into the cream eggs, then eat them. Now do you feel that sickness, that dabetic coma coming on? Now drink the rest of the vodaka. Go to reflex. Hold the contence of your stomach, and be drunk enouth to not care of your saroundings.
Welcome to hell. Welcome to reflex
Theirs something about Andover and Friday nights…. Its just goes crazy. I’m the only person who has to go to work on Saturday so I can’t go wild. But it always does. So I try to avoid going out. Then when I'm up for full on liver destruction and it Saturday night all my mates have destroyed their livers and there bank balance the night before.
This week was lees birthday. That reminds me its today. Better fire off a txt
Friday was Andover and Saturday was Southampton. With a little tequila I did myself a mischief on Friday and I knew that Saturday was going to be tamer as everyone went for it on Friday. But we ended up in reflex
The horror
If there is anything thing I have been too sober for in my life it was that place. It’s an 80’s club. The problem with the 80’s is apart from most of you lot reading this being born then we don’t rely remember a fat lot. Yeah we have childhood play memories. But know what was going on and what was in the charts. It’s not until the 90’s and cracking into are adolescents that we really stated paying attention. And most of the music they where playing in there was really from the early 90’s when lets face it pop music became shit. There was the split where people started either cracking out shell suits and glow sticks. Or putting on dirty jeans, black tee shirts and padded lumber jack shirts. You watched top of the pops to see if there was any chance that the music you like could accidentally creep on and get away with it for 3 and a half mins.
So I was in a place playing music from a different decade to what was advertised, surrounded by a crush of people that think they remember the 80’s but where most likely born in 1988, and then on the out skirts where people actually old enough to remember the 80’s and probly the 70’s nursing an over prised bottle of beer staring at the puffy white flesh of the teenagers on the stage trying to pole dance to Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now) (with came out in 1991) (or possibly 1990 depending on if you where in the usa or not eather why it misses the 80 by about a year) most of the sweaty puffy flesh kids probubly wondering why there isnt the “rock this party” being shouted over the track, (what kind of crazy remix is that). The place evan had staff walking arounf with optics fild with corkeys witch is the current trendy “shot”. Probubly more fucking suger in it that alcahol. All the crazy kids seem to like the cream egg flavor one. Dear god have it come to this they have to make alcahol sweets falovor, im shure soon ther will be some sweets/alcahol/corporate cross over. “ladyes and gentalmen I give you the vodka smarties mcflurry.
So inshort if you want to enjoy reflex. Buy 20 cream eggs, 1 hyperdermic saringe, and a bottle of vodka. Inject vodka into the cream eggs, then eat them. Now do you feel that sickness, that dabetic coma coming on? Now drink the rest of the vodaka. Go to reflex. Hold the contence of your stomach, and be drunk enouth to not care of your saroundings.
Welcome to hell. Welcome to reflex
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Just not cut out for life
Im sure that in natural selection im the little fat one at the back with the gammy leg. If it weren’t for modern meds and torturing animals I wouldn’t be here. Probably my diet of beer bacon and Chinese take aways, doesn’t help. But the bacons grilled, the Chinese is with out MSG and cooked by a ti chi master, and the beer is crisp and cold. Mummmm beer.
But anyhoo I decided best do a bit of running about as my man boobies or moobes as I like to call them are getting bigger than an a cup, and stares are becoming in inconvenience. (Not relly). Golf relly wasn’t much exercise for a 26 year old. So badders it was. 6 months later and a few achy legs I was running around more and more so I upped it to twice a week. Now 3 month later a have popped in a few games of squash.
So the last week has gone. Fri, squash, Sunday squash, Monday badders, Tuesday squash, Wednesday badders, Thursday squash. Its Thursday and im supposed to be playing squash tonight. The only thing is ive destroyed my elbow. I could barely pick up the shopping. Witch consisted of a 2ltr bottle of water pint of milk and a newspaper. My health is a constant battle. Mouth ulcers, whitlows, head aches. Its almost is if I have radiation poisoning.
Can’t wait till they clone me a new body ill have my body back when I was 19. That way I can wreck it again. Wonder if they can give me a bigger pee pee.
Im sure that in natural selection im the little fat one at the back with the gammy leg. If it weren’t for modern meds and torturing animals I wouldn’t be here. Probably my diet of beer bacon and Chinese take aways, doesn’t help. But the bacons grilled, the Chinese is with out MSG and cooked by a ti chi master, and the beer is crisp and cold. Mummmm beer.
But anyhoo I decided best do a bit of running about as my man boobies or moobes as I like to call them are getting bigger than an a cup, and stares are becoming in inconvenience. (Not relly). Golf relly wasn’t much exercise for a 26 year old. So badders it was. 6 months later and a few achy legs I was running around more and more so I upped it to twice a week. Now 3 month later a have popped in a few games of squash.
So the last week has gone. Fri, squash, Sunday squash, Monday badders, Tuesday squash, Wednesday badders, Thursday squash. Its Thursday and im supposed to be playing squash tonight. The only thing is ive destroyed my elbow. I could barely pick up the shopping. Witch consisted of a 2ltr bottle of water pint of milk and a newspaper. My health is a constant battle. Mouth ulcers, whitlows, head aches. Its almost is if I have radiation poisoning.
Can’t wait till they clone me a new body ill have my body back when I was 19. That way I can wreck it again. Wonder if they can give me a bigger pee pee.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Monday, November 05, 2007
Family fun
My step dad has some off ways. He moans at me all the time about me owning things. He refers to my property as “bildge”. “Oh you have got a new TV I hope its not coming in this house… filling my house up with all your bildge”. Basically everything that’s can fit under my bed is in my car. Please don’t steal it. But like my kites, golf clubs, shoes and clothes. Yeah it’s really stupid. As well. We are not allowed to use the second bathroom. He used the main bathroom for serten things and wont do those in his on sweet. But whilst hes in there we are not allowed to use the other room. So bluntly he on purposely makes me late for work by taking a shit and wont let me clean my teeth in his bathroom. Also the shower on the main bathroom is broken. And the on sweet shower is fine. So hes ok. And wont fix the broken one. But we are not allowed to use his one. We have to have a small bath. With the other day monitored how much water I was using. And my bath apparently must be no deeper than a puddle. Witch means my bum and feet are nice and clean.
Any that’s turning into a moan, but hopefully that gives you an idea what hes like.
My lovely mother turned into a mother hen and went. Ohh its winter my babies need more quilts. And without telling me changed my quilt. She changed my normal fine quilt to one that some polar explorer would thing as a bit over kill. My room is fucking hot anyway. Two reasons one the hot water pipes run underneath it, and two. My ps3 xbox 360 and monitor produce more heat per minuet than a hydrogen bomb. So my room is plenty warm. Infect mum always walks in my room and complains how hot it is and insists I open a window. Witch comically turns out to be already wide open. This happens at least twice a week. But no I need a new 600 tog duvet coz its winter.
I kept waking up in the night thinking I had influenza. I was quite literally (not to gross you out but) pouring with sweat. I thought I was having a crazy fever. I was panicking that I was going to super ill and I HAD to go to work. So I kept just trying to sleep to hope I got better by morning. When I woke up I was laying in more water than im allowed in a bath. Mum walks in “morning. Pheeew its hot in here…. Hows you new duvet?”
Now my step dad is in that bathroom, the other siblings are in the queue and I stink like I have died and lat a yak piss on me. And then had to beg to be able to use the shower. Because im unreasonable wanting a shower and why couldn’t I just have a bath with everyone else in the bathroom.
Twat
My step dad has some off ways. He moans at me all the time about me owning things. He refers to my property as “bildge”. “Oh you have got a new TV I hope its not coming in this house… filling my house up with all your bildge”. Basically everything that’s can fit under my bed is in my car. Please don’t steal it. But like my kites, golf clubs, shoes and clothes. Yeah it’s really stupid. As well. We are not allowed to use the second bathroom. He used the main bathroom for serten things and wont do those in his on sweet. But whilst hes in there we are not allowed to use the other room. So bluntly he on purposely makes me late for work by taking a shit and wont let me clean my teeth in his bathroom. Also the shower on the main bathroom is broken. And the on sweet shower is fine. So hes ok. And wont fix the broken one. But we are not allowed to use his one. We have to have a small bath. With the other day monitored how much water I was using. And my bath apparently must be no deeper than a puddle. Witch means my bum and feet are nice and clean.
Any that’s turning into a moan, but hopefully that gives you an idea what hes like.
My lovely mother turned into a mother hen and went. Ohh its winter my babies need more quilts. And without telling me changed my quilt. She changed my normal fine quilt to one that some polar explorer would thing as a bit over kill. My room is fucking hot anyway. Two reasons one the hot water pipes run underneath it, and two. My ps3 xbox 360 and monitor produce more heat per minuet than a hydrogen bomb. So my room is plenty warm. Infect mum always walks in my room and complains how hot it is and insists I open a window. Witch comically turns out to be already wide open. This happens at least twice a week. But no I need a new 600 tog duvet coz its winter.
I kept waking up in the night thinking I had influenza. I was quite literally (not to gross you out but) pouring with sweat. I thought I was having a crazy fever. I was panicking that I was going to super ill and I HAD to go to work. So I kept just trying to sleep to hope I got better by morning. When I woke up I was laying in more water than im allowed in a bath. Mum walks in “morning. Pheeew its hot in here…. Hows you new duvet?”
Now my step dad is in that bathroom, the other siblings are in the queue and I stink like I have died and lat a yak piss on me. And then had to beg to be able to use the shower. Because im unreasonable wanting a shower and why couldn’t I just have a bath with everyone else in the bathroom.
Twat
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
65 days of static was really good
The only thing that let them down was the venue. It’s an exam hall. So the acoustics are shit and they’re a bit of distortion. That got sorted after a while though. Credit to the sound guy.
Support was from tired irie and youthmovies. Now to be fir I'm like most people and don’t give support bands much of a chance. I have a listen to a few songs, and if there shocking go to the bar. Tired irie where the first on and they where pretty good, the vocals where the sort of retro but modern 80’s feel thing that’s quite popular right now and it not my favourite thing but it worked. Younthmoves where pretty dire tho. They all looked like they where from different bands and they had “written” their songs 10 mins before going on. The lead bloke had an under cut and would have been the ugly one in a band like the ordinary boys. The rhythm. Looked like a 16 year old grunge/ metal wannbe. Drummer looked like their 40 year old uncle; bass looked like the longhaired jacked other tee shirt. Think rimmed black glasses mature student. Than the trumpet player looked like the gay evil little brother in wedding crashes only blonde. And each of their songs seemed to have 6 or 7 different songs in them, changing rhythm and stile total. And it just didn’t work. Like having 5 tapes set up to play in the middle of a random song on each the randomly play them in order. Then they would just stop and then all start shouting but no into their mics. It was pretty poor.
I also did my normal bump into the bad before the gig. Where I look at them and they look at me not knowing whether I’m a crazed fool or not. And weather I’m going to ask them for an autograph or ask them for there skin so I can make a suit. But I just say hi and ignore them, for that is the done thing.
65 days of static are rapidly become one of my favrote ever bands. Post rock is a strange crowed. Everyone just zones out. There is no mosh pit, just a bit of involuntary head bobbing and a few people wavering their arms. You almost zone out so much you forget to clap. So I imagine the band thinks everyone hates them but the better they do, the less crowed response. The drummer is amazing. and the whole band swapping between there instremts and sequencesers and samplers was cool.
I also saw a front ass woman today! It could have been the daughter of the original front assed woman
The only thing that let them down was the venue. It’s an exam hall. So the acoustics are shit and they’re a bit of distortion. That got sorted after a while though. Credit to the sound guy.
Support was from tired irie and youthmovies. Now to be fir I'm like most people and don’t give support bands much of a chance. I have a listen to a few songs, and if there shocking go to the bar. Tired irie where the first on and they where pretty good, the vocals where the sort of retro but modern 80’s feel thing that’s quite popular right now and it not my favourite thing but it worked. Younthmoves where pretty dire tho. They all looked like they where from different bands and they had “written” their songs 10 mins before going on. The lead bloke had an under cut and would have been the ugly one in a band like the ordinary boys. The rhythm. Looked like a 16 year old grunge/ metal wannbe. Drummer looked like their 40 year old uncle; bass looked like the longhaired jacked other tee shirt. Think rimmed black glasses mature student. Than the trumpet player looked like the gay evil little brother in wedding crashes only blonde. And each of their songs seemed to have 6 or 7 different songs in them, changing rhythm and stile total. And it just didn’t work. Like having 5 tapes set up to play in the middle of a random song on each the randomly play them in order. Then they would just stop and then all start shouting but no into their mics. It was pretty poor.
I also did my normal bump into the bad before the gig. Where I look at them and they look at me not knowing whether I’m a crazed fool or not. And weather I’m going to ask them for an autograph or ask them for there skin so I can make a suit. But I just say hi and ignore them, for that is the done thing.
65 days of static are rapidly become one of my favrote ever bands. Post rock is a strange crowed. Everyone just zones out. There is no mosh pit, just a bit of involuntary head bobbing and a few people wavering their arms. You almost zone out so much you forget to clap. So I imagine the band thinks everyone hates them but the better they do, the less crowed response. The drummer is amazing. and the whole band swapping between there instremts and sequencesers and samplers was cool.
I also saw a front ass woman today! It could have been the daughter of the original front assed woman
Monday, October 29, 2007
You don’t choose the music you like it chooses you
Tonight I’m off to see 65 days of static. http://www.65daysofstatic.com/
It’s going to be a mad rush. I hate doing things after work. The driving rush. Then being relent on public transport and drunk. Or driving and having to drive park and all the complications there. Recently I couldn’t go to London to see Richard herring for these reasons.
Today was going to be different. Monday night. Got Tuesday off. Its in Southampton . Traffic permitting ill get there around 7 it starts 7 :30. So all should be fine. I had a place to stay so I could get merry. But then I noticed I have the dentist tomorrow at 9:15. So looks like in sober and having a drive home after. But it’s only Southampton, so it’s not all bad. I defiantly can’t go to the dentist and breath rotting beer fumes at him. As funny as that would be it just not the done thing.
In my life most of the music you like, or bands you like have been showed to you by someone else. This in not including stuff you see on mtv or whatever kids get up to these days
I hardly listen to the radio. Maybe 5 hours a year, and at one point on a drunken state I was thinking about if I had a band how I would cross aphex twin with a rock band. And I hit the radio button on my mobile phone by accident. And there it was. 65 days of static snare rushes and guitars exactly as I wanted. I herd the end of a live radio show. And I was hooked. 9 am I order their LP. The fall of math and I have every LP they have made since. Threw a randomness I found them. And I have been waiting a good long time to see them live. And tonight it is. I hope they live up to my expectations. And I’m shure they will.
That will be another band I can cross of my list of I have to see. Witch is good. Because too many have broken up and I will never get the chance. Eg cold
Maybe if I listen to the radio more ill find more music to love. But then I'm a musical snob and hate new bands.
i have been a bit confuse by my thoughts and actions latley, made some desisions done some things not done some things, well you have stick up for your prinsaples no matter how wrong they are. let the music choose you and let is sooth you.
tha sounded a bit emo didnt it.
Tonight I’m off to see 65 days of static. http://www.65daysofstatic.com/
It’s going to be a mad rush. I hate doing things after work. The driving rush. Then being relent on public transport and drunk. Or driving and having to drive park and all the complications there. Recently I couldn’t go to London to see Richard herring for these reasons.
Today was going to be different. Monday night. Got Tuesday off. Its in Southampton . Traffic permitting ill get there around 7 it starts 7 :30. So all should be fine. I had a place to stay so I could get merry. But then I noticed I have the dentist tomorrow at 9:15. So looks like in sober and having a drive home after. But it’s only Southampton, so it’s not all bad. I defiantly can’t go to the dentist and breath rotting beer fumes at him. As funny as that would be it just not the done thing.
In my life most of the music you like, or bands you like have been showed to you by someone else. This in not including stuff you see on mtv or whatever kids get up to these days
I hardly listen to the radio. Maybe 5 hours a year, and at one point on a drunken state I was thinking about if I had a band how I would cross aphex twin with a rock band. And I hit the radio button on my mobile phone by accident. And there it was. 65 days of static snare rushes and guitars exactly as I wanted. I herd the end of a live radio show. And I was hooked. 9 am I order their LP. The fall of math and I have every LP they have made since. Threw a randomness I found them. And I have been waiting a good long time to see them live. And tonight it is. I hope they live up to my expectations. And I’m shure they will.
That will be another band I can cross of my list of I have to see. Witch is good. Because too many have broken up and I will never get the chance. Eg cold
Maybe if I listen to the radio more ill find more music to love. But then I'm a musical snob and hate new bands.
i have been a bit confuse by my thoughts and actions latley, made some desisions done some things not done some things, well you have stick up for your prinsaples no matter how wrong they are. let the music choose you and let is sooth you.
tha sounded a bit emo didnt it.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Kamikaze flies
My eyes are fucking magnets to debris. If there is something airborne in a not to long time scale it will hit me in one or both the eyes. The small the object the more likely to hit me in the most inappropriate time. This is probably one of the reasons I were glasses pretty much all the time when I’m out. Well today I was hit by a fly or something it was hard to tell what it was from its remains. When I was in mid stride across the road with on coming traffic. Splat! (The fly in my eye, not me and the car silly). Will that was a possibility as I was temporally blinded. (ohh my god there s a strange kin “moon walking” down the street. Anyhoo. I was in traffic blind. Lucky work was just round the corner. Then I spent 10 mins picking the little fuckers wings off my eyeball. Do you know how hard it is to do that? The wings are so thin they just mould to the surface of our eyes and stick there. Well you pick them off and take half your eye with it. Then I spend the rest of the day praying I don’t get an eye infection, coz I cant work if I have one. And because im a hypochondriac thinking ive got one and psychosomatic feeling its imaginary symptoms
My eyes are fucking magnets to debris. If there is something airborne in a not to long time scale it will hit me in one or both the eyes. The small the object the more likely to hit me in the most inappropriate time. This is probably one of the reasons I were glasses pretty much all the time when I’m out. Well today I was hit by a fly or something it was hard to tell what it was from its remains. When I was in mid stride across the road with on coming traffic. Splat! (The fly in my eye, not me and the car silly). Will that was a possibility as I was temporally blinded. (ohh my god there s a strange kin “moon walking” down the street. Anyhoo. I was in traffic blind. Lucky work was just round the corner. Then I spent 10 mins picking the little fuckers wings off my eyeball. Do you know how hard it is to do that? The wings are so thin they just mould to the surface of our eyes and stick there. Well you pick them off and take half your eye with it. Then I spend the rest of the day praying I don’t get an eye infection, coz I cant work if I have one. And because im a hypochondriac thinking ive got one and psychosomatic feeling its imaginary symptoms
Thursday, October 11, 2007
breacfast is hard
in aldershot there is a little cafe and they make me bacon sandwedges but in farnbro, there sainsburys.
ready made sandwedges are userly just condesced mayo. so i try to avoid.
some one at work has left a toster here , so i have been haveing bagles.
but today i fancyed some crumpets
i dont like buying crumpets bucause they need butter and a block of butter get total wasted basicly because i only need a little bit and i come in a block the size of a brick.
so i dodnt usely buy them. thats the kind of man i am id rather by more expencive smaller food as to avoid wasting it.
anyhoo today i relly wanted crumpets. grabbed theos and the smallest packet of butter i could.
the toast them butter on, humm somthing strange
i have managed to buy faulty crumpets. they have no holes in.
and yes they are crmpets before you go thinking ive got tea cakes insted. i know my toasty food stuffs
faulty crumpets
in aldershot there is a little cafe and they make me bacon sandwedges but in farnbro, there sainsburys.
ready made sandwedges are userly just condesced mayo. so i try to avoid.
some one at work has left a toster here , so i have been haveing bagles.
but today i fancyed some crumpets
i dont like buying crumpets bucause they need butter and a block of butter get total wasted basicly because i only need a little bit and i come in a block the size of a brick.
so i dodnt usely buy them. thats the kind of man i am id rather by more expencive smaller food as to avoid wasting it.
anyhoo today i relly wanted crumpets. grabbed theos and the smallest packet of butter i could.
the toast them butter on, humm somthing strange
i have managed to buy faulty crumpets. they have no holes in.
and yes they are crmpets before you go thinking ive got tea cakes insted. i know my toasty food stuffs
faulty crumpets
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
For fucks sake. (warning long post and i havnt had a chance to spell check it)
In Aldershot as in every town, there is a type of people, these people are a waste of space and there is only I way to deal with them, very carefully
They have been in the pub from 10 am, then the go to the bookies then back to the pub. 3pm they deside they best do what they where going to do today.
I used to be able to identify them by the smell of smoke. Now that’s gone the smell of booze is harder to smell.
I guy comes in faintly smelling of alcahol, and pauses before he talks for too long to be normal. Warning go off in my head.
“mate …. Mate I want my eyes tested”
“ok sir … I can book you in”
long pause
“so not now then”
“im sorry I don’t have any avalble appointments until next week” (I lie)
long pause
“cant I just buy some glasses…………………. Ill pay”
“im sorry it dosnt work like that. We. Need to doo an eyete..”
“look mate cant I just try a few on and see wich work I don’t care”
“no the NEED to be made”
“well I can try them……. Coz my eyes have gone funny” at this point he point to his own eye and almost stabes his finger drunkenly into his brain
“got to do a test it’s the way it works” (plese stab yourself)
then theres a long pause where he looks at me confused and unhappy then the expression change to that of a drunk about to rainbow yawn.
He ssems to regain control of him self, as I look discussed and slightly worried about the thought of 1 dodgeing his vomit then having to kick him in, and then mop it up.
“can I have some water”
“no” (probably a bit rude of me)
“what?”
“no I haven’t got any” (I lie again)
“what?”
“look theres a news agents next door”
“well what do you drink then?”
well… coke from next door” (obouse lie to anyone that knows me)
he looks at me confused and then a bit more annoyed the stats giving me his phone number I jot it down on a scrap of paper then throw it in thebin. With him still sitting there infront of me. He fails to notice
“you’ll give me a call then?”
“yep”
then he starts to reach slowly into his pocket. Mental I start to think about what it would be like to punch him if it was nessery. Will technicly its nessery now but that’s just my opinion, so nessery buy self defence starndards. He pulls out a red post office come and get your parsell coz you wherent in thing he drunkenly flips it over and over in his hands
“you know the {mumble} started 8 {mumble}”
“what?”
“the premership”
“ohh right”
“yeah well the sun {mumble}” (says a lot I understand none of it apart from the guess that maybe hes order something about foot ball from the sun news paper)
I nod and he contiues to mumble
Then I make my mestake. I try to be funny
“sods law about the post strike then”
“what?”
“well you have to get it and there a strike on?”
“its taken the 8 games worth of time to send it to me”
“and sods law it arrives in the middle of a postal strike” (this few lines get repeted a few times with the guy getting more and more annoyed)
“do you want to read the form”
“no thank you”
“well it says its here”
“yeah but aint they closed from 12 as the strikes started again”
“its taken them 8 weeks to send it to me”
“and its sods law its arrived now”
“look the fuck form says its at the sorting office”
“that’s lovely but isn’t it closed”
“what?”
“coz there is a strike on”
“well its cost me £2.73 to get here”
“right…..” I just look at him funny
“well sir mr ive got a tie… I phoned them”
“ok “
“coz im older than you”
“that’s nice for you then isn’t it” (a bit to sarcastic for my own good)
he gets up and kicks the chair, as a girl probably only 15-16 comes in. he starts making faces behind her back like a pedophile. And winking at her. Thankfully she oblivouse to all this. He walks out the door and looks threw the window at me and her talking making sagestive facees.
The girl hands over some old specs for charity. And goes to leave
“wait a minuet”
the girl looks panicy at me “?”
“that guy is pissed out of his head just wait a second for him to go”
“ohh ok….. hes probuly been in my mums charity shop”
I look at the bloke and he walks off
“thanks ill put thses in the carty box” and she leaves
on lighter notes
stuwart lee was brillent, if you have the chance see hit 41st best standup ever show. Also had a surprisingly good walm up act of Stephen carlin.
I hate shoe shopping with a passion you can only dream of. So I had to buy some shoes to play badminton in that don’t mark the floor. Coz this monkey on a power trip at the sports hall always thinks I haven’t payed and that a liitle bit of black rubber on the floor (witch I didn’t put there) constitutes criminal damage
I went to socour sport or what ever they are called this week in blazingstoke. It’s a aladins cave of diccount sweatshop merchendise. My rules for shoe shoping are as follows
Rule 1. done go shoe shoping
If this rule gets broken then go to rule set b
1.b swifness is the key take no longer than 5 mins or I will snap
2.b only try on shoe that are in my size on the shelf to avoid picking something I hate slightly less than everything else only to find its not available.
3.b pick pay get out AAAAAAHHHHH I fucking hate shoe shoping
now anys techneque is very different. He like to fucking do everything possbale to the shoe before he buys it, he practicly had a clip bord and was giving the shoe marks out of 10 at different paced walks. He was then extramly upset when the 5 mins where up, and I angrly shouted fuck it this is taking too long and picked up a random shoe put it on and then went that will do. Leaving him holding a pair that I said where comfier. “But there are more compy.” “Couldn’t give a fuck this shit is taking to long” “but but but” “but what a shoe is a shoe” “but you have to buy the most compy nomater what the cost” “ill brake them in”
all the time in the que he said he felt sad for me.
I got home and my sister being a girl likes shoes. I hate them buy the way, and feet. She opened them expecting my noram air walk deck shoes, and was met by a brillent white trainer. She laughed for a full minuet then almost hyperventilated. “there quie nice” I continued to frown at her “no relly” “why you laughting then?” “was it?” “look there just for badminton and they need to be white so the don’t mark the floor” “of you counsel estate” “no the sports hall”
Thej she moans at my mother for 45 mins about the army open show day she been on. Shes been sat in the rain for hours. Whej some one came up and asked if she had enjoyed her day she said. “if I wanded to wach army stuff I would have stayed at home with a cup of tea and watched saving private ryan” the person that asked her was stood next to a major
In Aldershot as in every town, there is a type of people, these people are a waste of space and there is only I way to deal with them, very carefully
They have been in the pub from 10 am, then the go to the bookies then back to the pub. 3pm they deside they best do what they where going to do today.
I used to be able to identify them by the smell of smoke. Now that’s gone the smell of booze is harder to smell.
I guy comes in faintly smelling of alcahol, and pauses before he talks for too long to be normal. Warning go off in my head.
“mate …. Mate I want my eyes tested”
“ok sir … I can book you in”
long pause
“so not now then”
“im sorry I don’t have any avalble appointments until next week” (I lie)
long pause
“cant I just buy some glasses…………………. Ill pay”
“im sorry it dosnt work like that. We. Need to doo an eyete..”
“look mate cant I just try a few on and see wich work I don’t care”
“no the NEED to be made”
“well I can try them……. Coz my eyes have gone funny” at this point he point to his own eye and almost stabes his finger drunkenly into his brain
“got to do a test it’s the way it works” (plese stab yourself)
then theres a long pause where he looks at me confused and unhappy then the expression change to that of a drunk about to rainbow yawn.
He ssems to regain control of him self, as I look discussed and slightly worried about the thought of 1 dodgeing his vomit then having to kick him in, and then mop it up.
“can I have some water”
“no” (probably a bit rude of me)
“what?”
“no I haven’t got any” (I lie again)
“what?”
“look theres a news agents next door”
“well what do you drink then?”
well… coke from next door” (obouse lie to anyone that knows me)
he looks at me confused and then a bit more annoyed the stats giving me his phone number I jot it down on a scrap of paper then throw it in thebin. With him still sitting there infront of me. He fails to notice
“you’ll give me a call then?”
“yep”
then he starts to reach slowly into his pocket. Mental I start to think about what it would be like to punch him if it was nessery. Will technicly its nessery now but that’s just my opinion, so nessery buy self defence starndards. He pulls out a red post office come and get your parsell coz you wherent in thing he drunkenly flips it over and over in his hands
“you know the {mumble} started 8 {mumble}”
“what?”
“the premership”
“ohh right”
“yeah well the sun {mumble}” (says a lot I understand none of it apart from the guess that maybe hes order something about foot ball from the sun news paper)
I nod and he contiues to mumble
Then I make my mestake. I try to be funny
“sods law about the post strike then”
“what?”
“well you have to get it and there a strike on?”
“its taken the 8 games worth of time to send it to me”
“and sods law it arrives in the middle of a postal strike” (this few lines get repeted a few times with the guy getting more and more annoyed)
“do you want to read the form”
“no thank you”
“well it says its here”
“yeah but aint they closed from 12 as the strikes started again”
“its taken them 8 weeks to send it to me”
“and its sods law its arrived now”
“look the fuck form says its at the sorting office”
“that’s lovely but isn’t it closed”
“what?”
“coz there is a strike on”
“well its cost me £2.73 to get here”
“right…..” I just look at him funny
“well sir mr ive got a tie… I phoned them”
“ok “
“coz im older than you”
“that’s nice for you then isn’t it” (a bit to sarcastic for my own good)
he gets up and kicks the chair, as a girl probably only 15-16 comes in. he starts making faces behind her back like a pedophile. And winking at her. Thankfully she oblivouse to all this. He walks out the door and looks threw the window at me and her talking making sagestive facees.
The girl hands over some old specs for charity. And goes to leave
“wait a minuet”
the girl looks panicy at me “?”
“that guy is pissed out of his head just wait a second for him to go”
“ohh ok….. hes probuly been in my mums charity shop”
I look at the bloke and he walks off
“thanks ill put thses in the carty box” and she leaves
on lighter notes
stuwart lee was brillent, if you have the chance see hit 41st best standup ever show. Also had a surprisingly good walm up act of Stephen carlin.
I hate shoe shopping with a passion you can only dream of. So I had to buy some shoes to play badminton in that don’t mark the floor. Coz this monkey on a power trip at the sports hall always thinks I haven’t payed and that a liitle bit of black rubber on the floor (witch I didn’t put there) constitutes criminal damage
I went to socour sport or what ever they are called this week in blazingstoke. It’s a aladins cave of diccount sweatshop merchendise. My rules for shoe shoping are as follows
Rule 1. done go shoe shoping
If this rule gets broken then go to rule set b
1.b swifness is the key take no longer than 5 mins or I will snap
2.b only try on shoe that are in my size on the shelf to avoid picking something I hate slightly less than everything else only to find its not available.
3.b pick pay get out AAAAAAHHHHH I fucking hate shoe shoping
now anys techneque is very different. He like to fucking do everything possbale to the shoe before he buys it, he practicly had a clip bord and was giving the shoe marks out of 10 at different paced walks. He was then extramly upset when the 5 mins where up, and I angrly shouted fuck it this is taking too long and picked up a random shoe put it on and then went that will do. Leaving him holding a pair that I said where comfier. “But there are more compy.” “Couldn’t give a fuck this shit is taking to long” “but but but” “but what a shoe is a shoe” “but you have to buy the most compy nomater what the cost” “ill brake them in”
all the time in the que he said he felt sad for me.
I got home and my sister being a girl likes shoes. I hate them buy the way, and feet. She opened them expecting my noram air walk deck shoes, and was met by a brillent white trainer. She laughed for a full minuet then almost hyperventilated. “there quie nice” I continued to frown at her “no relly” “why you laughting then?” “was it?” “look there just for badminton and they need to be white so the don’t mark the floor” “of you counsel estate” “no the sports hall”
Thej she moans at my mother for 45 mins about the army open show day she been on. Shes been sat in the rain for hours. Whej some one came up and asked if she had enjoyed her day she said. “if I wanded to wach army stuff I would have stayed at home with a cup of tea and watched saving private ryan” the person that asked her was stood next to a major
Thursday, October 04, 2007
Phycadelic yucky flu and finishing the fight
Ive contracted evil man flu, and for the first time in a long time I have had a day off. Technically it was two, but one of them was my day off. Bless my dad he looks after me shivering and sweating and full of snot I was as much a danger to the world market on tissue paper as much as a was to computer generated aliens.
I finished the fight and the fight finished pretty much as I expected. Halo 1 starts with you coming out of deep sleep and in the end you return to it like king arther ready to be awoken the next time humanity needs you. Its all quite infesting the way they have a sort of mash mash of the bible and different cultures mythology sort of running behind the main story. I have to admit I was expecting a twist. And what I thought for a second was going to be an amazing one, wasn’t. So I think they missed a bit of a trick there. I’m not going into it all here as I may spoil the game for you. Saying that my readership is probably only 2 people and neither are interested in video games. Stewart lee this weekend, woot! Lets hope I have stopped sneezing and snotting
Right better get back to raising the share price of galaxo-smith-kline
Ive contracted evil man flu, and for the first time in a long time I have had a day off. Technically it was two, but one of them was my day off. Bless my dad he looks after me shivering and sweating and full of snot I was as much a danger to the world market on tissue paper as much as a was to computer generated aliens.
I finished the fight and the fight finished pretty much as I expected. Halo 1 starts with you coming out of deep sleep and in the end you return to it like king arther ready to be awoken the next time humanity needs you. Its all quite infesting the way they have a sort of mash mash of the bible and different cultures mythology sort of running behind the main story. I have to admit I was expecting a twist. And what I thought for a second was going to be an amazing one, wasn’t. So I think they missed a bit of a trick there. I’m not going into it all here as I may spoil the game for you. Saying that my readership is probably only 2 people and neither are interested in video games. Stewart lee this weekend, woot! Lets hope I have stopped sneezing and snotting
Right better get back to raising the share price of galaxo-smith-kline
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Well the weekend was fun nice to talk shit with the chizz again, she shouldn’t go away so much, coz it makes kev lonely and I have no access to my attorney.
I actually lost my rag in a comedy way, I was camping up my anger, but I was being kecked awake every 2 mins for the best part of 3 hours to play Mario party. With was quite litry hell on earth and I kept being forced to go up the exhaust vent. With is not taking crack fuck knows where someone got that from. It’s a kid’s game.
I finally got my phone back. Well I got a replacement, so I have lost everything. So if everyone would be kind enough to txt me there numbers I would be grateful. Or if you don’t, you won’t get txt inviting to out because I need people to sit near me with I destroy my liver.
Halo 3 is not too shabby. What is shabby is the fucking box. The normal box is fine. No drama there. But the collectors edition that is 10 sterlings more. Include a making of disk and a hardback book and a few odds and sods. The problem is some dumb got the idea to not use the same kind of spools like a normal dvd box.. You know the bit you push and pop the disk on. With this just has a metal peg. That doesn’t compress like plastic. So you eather have to force the disc on, causing damage to the hole in the disk. Or it falls off. With everyone one of them has done in transit. The disk is free inside the metal tin with only the metal peg to rum against. So you 50 sterlings get you a nice book and a few odds and sod but the most important part is now about as good a as beer mat. Microsoft are doing a fill in a for and send off you disk and get a free replacement. But fuck that is going to take a min of a week with all the postage.
Not only do they have a consaul that was built from second rate. Nay a 9th rate part that dies, they get the most anticipated game of all time (so far) and make it so the packaging damages the product. As if the fucking machine isn’t going to do that for you aswell. I just hope it all holds together wilst I finish the fight.
I actually lost my rag in a comedy way, I was camping up my anger, but I was being kecked awake every 2 mins for the best part of 3 hours to play Mario party. With was quite litry hell on earth and I kept being forced to go up the exhaust vent. With is not taking crack fuck knows where someone got that from. It’s a kid’s game.
I finally got my phone back. Well I got a replacement, so I have lost everything. So if everyone would be kind enough to txt me there numbers I would be grateful. Or if you don’t, you won’t get txt inviting to out because I need people to sit near me with I destroy my liver.
Halo 3 is not too shabby. What is shabby is the fucking box. The normal box is fine. No drama there. But the collectors edition that is 10 sterlings more. Include a making of disk and a hardback book and a few odds and sods. The problem is some dumb got the idea to not use the same kind of spools like a normal dvd box.. You know the bit you push and pop the disk on. With this just has a metal peg. That doesn’t compress like plastic. So you eather have to force the disc on, causing damage to the hole in the disk. Or it falls off. With everyone one of them has done in transit. The disk is free inside the metal tin with only the metal peg to rum against. So you 50 sterlings get you a nice book and a few odds and sod but the most important part is now about as good a as beer mat. Microsoft are doing a fill in a for and send off you disk and get a free replacement. But fuck that is going to take a min of a week with all the postage.
Not only do they have a consaul that was built from second rate. Nay a 9th rate part that dies, they get the most anticipated game of all time (so far) and make it so the packaging damages the product. As if the fucking machine isn’t going to do that for you aswell. I just hope it all holds together wilst I finish the fight.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
“Come on Harry time to get up and go to work”
“eeee…..rrgggg”
“You better leave early there’s a fog on”
“Arse”
“Yeah looks bad”
“Cock it”
“ohh your brother “got” loads of bacon again”
“tut… thieving gypo”
“Well iv cooked loads of it, it’s in the fridge.. Have some for lunch will you”
“Oh so I can be apart of this dastardly crime and eat the evidence”
“Yes Harry, well there's bacon if you want some”
“How’s about you pop some bread and some bacon in a lunch box for me and ill have a bacon sarney for breakfast”
“Ok no problem”
“Thanks mum, ill find you a nice old people home when the time comes”
“tut……”
I get to work open my lunchbox. Expecting cooked bacon to heat up and bread. Instead I find 4 slices of raw bacon,
That home is not going to be so good, and the time is sooner than she thinks
“eeee…..rrgggg”
“You better leave early there’s a fog on”
“Arse”
“Yeah looks bad”
“Cock it”
“ohh your brother “got” loads of bacon again”
“tut… thieving gypo”
“Well iv cooked loads of it, it’s in the fridge.. Have some for lunch will you”
“Oh so I can be apart of this dastardly crime and eat the evidence”
“Yes Harry, well there's bacon if you want some”
“How’s about you pop some bread and some bacon in a lunch box for me and ill have a bacon sarney for breakfast”
“Ok no problem”
“Thanks mum, ill find you a nice old people home when the time comes”
“tut……”
I get to work open my lunchbox. Expecting cooked bacon to heat up and bread. Instead I find 4 slices of raw bacon,
That home is not going to be so good, and the time is sooner than she thinks
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