Friday, March 08, 2013
Thursday, March 07, 2013
Woman storms in looking grumpy and ignores me saying “hello”
“I need some new things” “pardon?” “some new things right” she says screwing
her face up and acting like im being a dick, and throws some old mans glasses
on the counter. “ohh a new set of nose pads” “yeah” she says sarcastically “well
I don’t have these exact ones but I have some silicone ones” “well as long as
they are soft ones” “well the ones that are on there are actually the hard
type.” I show her the soft ones so she can compare. “are they the same size?”(she
actuly holding them both in her hand) “more or less, the closest ive got” “they
better be or else ill be bringing them back and throwing them at you” “right
well you have seen then, if you want them they are £3” “WHAT!!!!!! I have to
pay!!!!!” “well yes.” (what? you where threatening to throw them at me
complaining if they where free?)
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Ok you really have to
admire some peoples optimism some times. There is a bloke sitting in a van
outside and every few mins he tries’s to start it up. upon turning the key
there is the unmistakable sound of bits of metal that really shouldn’t be
hitting each other grinding and smashing. And im hearing this from across the
road in a thick glass windowed shop. That van is very poorly. He’s tried 5
times in the last 15 mins each time its sounded like hes doing more damage. But
that doesn’t stop him from waiting and trying again hoping that the next time
he turns the key it will be magically fixed
Dunno if
the guy I was dealing with was some kinda wannbe physicist trying to test me
(or just test my patents for that matter)
Monday, February 25, 2013
Guy comes
running up the road, nearly knocks over an old man as he bursts threw my door. “ohh
good I need your help” “ok” he starts rooting around in his pocket. And im expecting
him to pull out a pair of glasses with a lens that’s dropped out or something. “Windsor
way?” “Pardon?” “Windsor way” “what?” he manages to pull the thing from his
pocket it’s a bit or paper “halfords Windsor way” he says out of breath and agitated
at me for not knowing what the bloody hell hes talking about……
Monday, February 18, 2013
driveing to work thers a bang of somthing
hitting plastic, makes me jump but its not a wheel falling off or
anything. looking around i find a liquorice twizzler has somehow made
impact with the dash and windscreen from the inside. all windows
closed..... what sweet based torment is this? where the hell did that
come from?
Friday, February 15, 2013
Arrive at
work to find a piece of paper threw the door. It’s from the council. It’s
grandly titled “operation resilience” and it’s about re-surfacing the little
street behind the shop. does sorting out a 25 yard ally warrant an “operation”
…….. if so then tonight I have “operation inebriation”, then “operation
slothful pantaloons” ,and watch out
wife coz lastly there is “operation grapple panna cottas”
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Bloke walks threw the
door wearing woman’s sunglasses, its pretty dark out and snowing. Hes actually
here to collect some reading glasses witch he does. Then says “good now I can
do my paper work” pulls a big packet out his pocket and dumps it on my desk. Pulls
out some prescription forms and a big packet covered in biohazard symbols. He fills
in some form and asks me what pills he should have and then I notice the big
bundle. The bundle only opens a little but I can see that it has “taking sample
instructions” and its not for a sample of the of the old number 1, it for
number 2’s. he starts filling in all the paperwork saying hes off up the
doctors now. As im recoiling in horror and reaching for my antibac wipes
Some old man started
talking to me in the hairdressers. He found out I was an optician. “I used to
work at a hospital you know, people where for ever having to have there
eyeballs put in” “umm its not possible to take an eyeball out and put it back
in wor……” “we had this self harmer right, ripped up a padded cell. one time
gutted himself, all his intestines hanging out. he used to eat tiles from the
walls. another time came in with his eyeballs popped out hanging down on his
cheeks. He was saying “ive been a naughty boy” they got put back. So there you
go there’s your proof” (what fucking proof you crazy old git, some made up
story)
Friday, February 08, 2013
The odd old
woman who in the newsagent remember her? Gets shitty when I use big notes just
to buy the paper etc. well anyway probably once a month I go in there buy the
milk and paper and then get back into work open the cupboard and find there is
no tea. So immediately walk back in the newsagents for some tea bags. She for
some reason thinks this is far funnier than it really is. Well that happened
today.
“hahahaha
they drank all your tea again”
“yeah”
(thin smile and a shrug)
“hahaha
they are always doing that to you and never buying any”
“Well they
claim to be to busy too” (like its that much of an inconvenience, this
conversation is more of an inconvenience)
“I don’t
drink tea”
“ohh right,
I do probably the only way I get milk”
“ I don’t
drink milk”
“well if I
didn’t id probably get rickets or osteoporosis or something”
“I don’t even have milk in the house” (she
proclaims proudly whilst beaming from ear to ear revealing the only 3 teeth in
her head giving me enough time to see that they are the colour of a snowball
rolled in burnt engine oil.
Monday, February 04, 2013
Bloke stands outside
stareing at the sign and then comes in “I got a letter” “a reminder letter saying
your due an sight test” “dunno” “or do you have some glasses ready” “no, I got
a letter from here, vision express” “no im not vision express” “ohh why did they
send me a letter then?” “I don’t know” “ohh I want to know why they sent me a
letter” “well id sagest reading the letter or go asking them” “where are they?”
“well the Aldershot one is in the centre” “where?” “in the lower floor of the centre”
“lower floor?” “yeah next to Wilkinson’s” “not in boots?” “no its below boots” “are
you sure?” “pretty sure yeah” “no I think they have moved” “well they where
there on Friday” “no they have moved” “right well what ever you say” “so you
cant tell me what the letters about or why they sent it” “corse I cant! I don’t
work for vision express” “fine”
woman comes in "do you sell glasses"
"yes" "glasses frames" "yes" "ohh good"
she walks around looking at stuff "do you have a prescription"
"no, its at home" "so you do have a prescription just not on you
so you don’t need a test" "i need them for my test i need my
prescription for my test" "no if you have a prescription then you don’t
need another test" "where did you have your test?" "what my
driveing test?" "no your eye test" "ohh it was here"
"ohh i can look up your prescription then name...." (she gives details) "i cant find them you sure it was
here?" "yes! it was up the road at specsavers" "i wont have
your details then" "my husbands work pays for his glasses will his
work pay for mine?" "you will have to ask them that"
"oh?" she leaves
Monday, January 28, 2013
Phone rings
it’s a supplier. “Your (really expensive lens order) is ready and you’ll get it
Wednesday” “what orders that?” “Order with your reference: Wuttickend” “umm I
don’t have anyone of that name, what’s the order number” “87648737”well our
order numbers are only 4 digits” “well doesn’t matter you’ll get it Wednesday”
“well id dose matter if I didn’t order it” “well its yours” “do you have the
paper order in your hand?” “no” “can you give my anymore information on what it
actually is” “no” “well can you go and find out” “ * sigh * ok”
5 mins pass
“Ive
checked it’s defiantly yours” “right do you have our order number?” “87648737”
“I told you our order numbers are only 4 digits” “well ive checked its yours”
“have you got our paper order?” “no but ive checked” “ok tell me what frame we
sent in for the lenses” “umm dunno” “is I a frame we sent in or is it and order
just for uncut lenses?” “dunno” “can you go and get the paper copy we sent you
and find out the frame and the order number” “well it doesn’t matter you’ll get
it Wednesday” “well I don’t want it Wednesday if its not for me” “its for you” “
if its not, I don’t want to have to go threw the rigmarole of trying to send if
back and get the money back” “its for you” “can you please go and get the
paper” “ * big sight * ok”
5 mins pass
in wich I phone my other shop and check its not for them…. Its not
“hello its
Linda again, its defiantly for you” “have you got the paper” “ive been down and
checked its yours” “I need the order number that’s on the paper to confirm
this” “LOOK its order 87648737 and its defiantly yours” “that’s not one of our
order number, its not a name of any person I have on my data base, nothing is
even hinting at me that its an order from my shop. are you holding the paper
order that I would have sent you?” “you’ll reseve your order Wednesday” “are
you holding the paper order?” “NO” “ can you get the order” “look sir its your
order im going to transpher you”
im on hold
for a min
“hi Linda
its Sharon” “umm this is Harry” “what?” “Linda was tranphering me to you” “ohh
right sorry” “that’s ok (I then have to explain everything)” “right well ill go
get the order, I can tell you it’s a Dunhill frame” “well I don’t sell those”
“right ill call you back”
Monday, January 21, 2013
Door opens
and a gangly odd looking bloke waddles in im going to cut out all the things
where he said something and I said pardon because I couldn’t under stand him.
You can fill it in yourself for every thing he says, he said it 3 to 5 times
before I understood it
“this a
pub”
“no”
he trys to
walk towards the stairs
“pub?”
“OI NO this
isn’t a pub”
“where
pub?”
“NOT HERE”
(I get him back to the desk)
“snooker?”
makes a mime so I can understand
“not here”
“where?”
“I don’t
know”
“Ohh” he
does a weird shrug like a drunk child
“bye”
“clean”
“what?”
“clean?” he
trys to hand me his glasses there is no way on this eath im touvhing them
“I can sell
you a cloth”
“clean?”
pointing to the office, trying to make me go out back
“nope! I
can sell you a cloth”
“a tissue?”
“a cleaning
cloth”
“free?”
“no”
“no money”
he slaps his pockets trying to show he has no money but he jangles like a
charity box
“ok well
bye”
“where pub”
“dunno bye”
“how much
glasses” trying to grab the stock
“I can give
you a quote if you have a prescription”
“same” trys
to hand me the glasses again.
“nope, need
a prescription”
“same, look
look” trying to make me go out back
“no quote
with out prescription”
“im a
children, how much?”
“what?”
“im
children how much?” he starts trying to pull the paper out of my credt card
machine
“as I said I
need to see a precription for a quote”
“same” he
starts jabbing the buttons, I don’t want to get two close to this nutter.
“BYE”
“where pub?”
“not here
BYE”
“ pub”
I get him
out the door and he waddles off down the middle of the road
I have no
idear weather he was mad or drunk or trying to shop lift or what
I can loose
arguments with panache
Wife: you driving
me to work?
Me: nope
unless you really hadn’t noticed there’s still snow about
Wife: yeah,
but the roads are clear, and the pavement is not so its more dangerous for me
to walk than it is us to drive
Me:
bollocks
Then I promptly
slipped over and jarred my back narrowly avoiding braining myself and came
close to pissing myself in agony
Saturday, January 05, 2013
FIRST CRAZY OF THE YEAR!!!!!
Wednesday, January 02, 2013
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