Some people are weird


Standing in the bank I couldn’t help over some loud mouth chavy woman screaming at the staff.

“its fucking ridiculous that you have but a fucking block on my account just coz someone has take 40quid out…. id fucking understand if it was like 400 but its only 40 quid its fucking ridiculous this banks a fucking joke”

now if some one had take 40quid from my account I would want the back manage to personally stalk the mother fucker that took the money and when the find them go medieval with some pliers, a car battery and a bat with nails in.

but this woman took objection to the bank trying to stop people from stealing her money. Perhaps if I just asked her for 40 quid she’d give it to me?
The bitch didn’t look that rich to me. But then I don’t know the cost of velour track suits, claires accessories 8 inch hoop earrings, and enough bacardi breezers and dominos to get that fucking fat.

retard of the day....

sitting at my desk someone walks in

“Hello can I help you”
“I got this…..(hands me a piece of paper)”
“(I skim read it)…… umm ok that’s a piece of paper telling you to make an appointment for an operation………(he just looks at me)………at the hospital”
“can I speak to the doctor”
“we don’t have a doctor we are an opticians”
“yes…..”
“…… (I look oddly at his strange little bald head)…. So…..”
“I wanted to talk to the doctor so they’d tell me what to do……”
“(I take the piece of paper back….. I start at the very beginning ) is this you mr….”
“yes….”
“good. Now it say her you need to phone the hospital and make an appointment… look the number here”
“what option do I pick”
“what…”
“it says there pick option”
“well yes… but there is only 1 option”
“there different things”
“no they are the same thing. Ones the department at the hospitol, and written after that is the name of the hospital”
“they are different”
“no they are the same place”
“but 2 things”
“no its at firmly park hospital”
“2 options”
“look. There is only 1 place listed…. The department at firmly park. If you lived near 2 hospitals they probably would give you a choice of with hospital you wanted to go to or something. But you don’t”
“so witch one is the closest to me”
“theres only 1 hospital on the list.”
“but witch do I pick the department or the hospital”
“they are the same thing”
“witch hospital is the closest to where I live?”
“where do you live?”
“north camp”
“firmly park then”
“so… “
“(I quickly interrupt before he can ask me witch option again) NOW you need to phone firmly… look the phone numbers there…. (I point it out quite over dramatically) make your appointment for your operation”
“he scans the letter for a long time as I stand there with a very thin smile…he looks at me in way that tells me he doesn’t believe what I have told him). Umm….ok”

he walks out.

what a fucking dick! I think to myself wasting NHS money on retards there should be some mandatory IQ test before you are entitled to NHS treatment.

Then I think for another few seconds.

The letter was to book in for surgery. Meaning hes already been to the department on the peace of paper at firmly park hospital. A consultant must have already examined him and desided if he needs treatment. etc….
Yeah mandatory spacktrad testing before automatic entitlement to NHS treatment…..

Sorry to all my lady fans
I took the one of you that I chose (the one of you females that tolerates me…..and doesn’t spray stingy liquid in my eyes when ever I approach). To a swanky restaurant. Then after the duck course when I know she would be too full to run away. Produced a dozen red roses. Her favrote chocolates. And the ring she had had her heart set on. On one knee I popped the question…..

I run exhausted to the jewellers holding my receipt ready to collect my….(well it not my its hers) engagement ring. Io gets there at 5:20. and some snotty little gut behind the door saying they are closed and wont let me collect. Muther fucker. I stop home pissed of trying to thing how im going to adjust my plans….

Next morning after a bad night all coz twat boy would let me have the ring I march up there just after 9…… sign that was not on the door yeasterday…. Closed for staff training….

They are lucking I didn’t have exposer to gamma rays in a lab someware when i was younger



a few hours later

i collect the ring ... grumble to the woman about not being open etc.....

i take the ring home and think maybe is should go see the wife at work and check it fits......

then i notice..... the rings gem setting ic cracked!!!!!! and where they have resized it. the gold its 2 diffrent colours... its not evan close to matching.... they have ruind the ring she had her hart set on......

i cant even explane how angry i am......

My travels …… part 1 getting there

Heathrow terminal 5 is pretty good. From check in to duty free in roughly 10 mins. That what I like in my airports. And but some fortuitous coincidence. Where we checked in was unbelievably close to our gate. Not like the last time I flew and I had to hike 45min across Gatwick. Id been warned that the Canadian customs are funny about what they let you bring in. only 1ltr of your favrote poison. So that 2 cans of larger or 1 bottle Dr. Rutgarts mad dog insanity overproof sipping liquor / engine degreaser. So the choice was easy. Find myself a alcohol mule. Other people I was flying with where now carrying my Smirnoff blue label. 2 weeks away im gonna at least need to ltr of vodka.

9and a half hours, the fast and the furious, star trek, and some episodes of porridge later. I crunched down in Calgary

there waiting for me as some pensioners in golf buggies offering to drive me the 200 yards to the customs desk. Yeah that’s exactly what I need after 9 and a half hours sitting down. A bit more. (Perhaps I was tired and a bit grumpy…. Considering I had wanted to walk out on fast and furious knowing full well I was 35000 up)

“Canadian are the nicest people you could ever meet” was a phrase I had still ringing in my ears from everyone I had ever told I was going to Canada. So as chirpily as I could when I got to the customs desk. I said hello, how are you? to the woman. And she staird at me like id just done a shit on her inkpad. I handed her my passport and my imagation pass and some other bit of paper she wanted. But apparently I handed them to her in the wrong order. And she over drematily shuffled them trying to make as much russling noise as possible. I rolled my eyes up and noticed the big sign listing things you cant bring in to Canada. High up on the list was soil. I wish I had some on me. It would be flying in to that woman’s face. She handed me back my paper work. I too 2 steps and handed it to the bloke standing behind her. She was closer than me. He said "welcome to Canada enjoy your stay"

Please note I cannot be held responsible for any mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, karma, dharma, metaphysical, religious, philosophical, Logical , Ethical, Aesthetical, or financial damage caused by this post

additianl disclamer. any rough genralistions in the following are ment to be takens at hyperbole

List of odd differences I encountered between Alberta (south nr foothills) and Hampshire

1. you cant get real bacon its like the McDonalds round beacon.
2. a short walk to the shops an back is around 8 miles
3. speed limits are painfully slow
4. 3 in 5 trucks/ cars have a broken windscreen
5. there’s no MOT’s
6. road deaths are higher than a lot of other country’s
7. the driving test seems easy
8. the bigger the better they seem to thing that anything small is no good. This rule applies to almost everything
9. you cant get beer anyware except liquor stores and bars (its like the don’t want you to bloody drink)
10.YOU CAN’T SODDING GET BEER AT THE SUPERMARKET
11. there no family meal pub culture
12. Supermarkets sell guns and ammo
13. there’s lots of hair crimes
14. a lot of people are a little too interested in horses for my likeing
15. people couldn’t understand my strange accent
16. Everyone thought I must be a criminal because I was from Europe
17. the 10 cents coin is smaller than the 5 cents
18. at customs they really really don’t want to let you into the country
19.Most people are really friendly, slightly unnervingly so to begin with. At first I though this was a kind of American “have a nice day” bullshit. But its not
20. People do say EH?
21. everything there is described as awsome. (see linked eddie izzard gag) but pronounced arseoom

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0rYT0YvQ3hs

I recommend it. just stock up on duty-free and some good walking shoes

Harry potter and why the bloody hell are they not getting on and doing anything.

Now I haven’t read the books. Only watched the films.

Im going to say right here that goblet of fire is the best of the Harry potter films (so far 2 to go etc) I liked the way there was this wizard tournament and there was some hidden malevolent forces twisting the result ect. There was a good bit of mystery to it ete.

And the first films where like that to. Since then its all been the bloody same. Ohh yeah voldermort is about (someware…. Wooo isn’t that spooky) and that’s about it. there’s a evil teacher that was basically a bitch from garage hill making kids self-harm. I honestly don’t think that warranted a 2-hour film. Now since goblet of fire they have known that voldermot bin laden has been kicking about someware. And hes got some crazed bird that’s married to tim burton cackling like a pantomime villain doing his bidding. Theres a few others and they are basically indcated because of the music and make-up that accompanies them. Now lets take a guess and say there 20 or so of these death eaters. Now guessing here there must be 1000 people at hogwarts. And we know from goblet of fire theres another 2 schools. So roughly 3000 magic users. 2 parents per kid. 6000 some can not have magic parents so roughly 4000 magic users. There must be magic users without kids or with kids too young for the school system. So im reckoning form my poorly worked out guesses there must be 10000 adult magic users. 10000 vs 20 death eathers and voldermort bin laden.

So why the fuck do low rent gandalf and specky potter (who lets face it get his ass kicked ever step of the way) go off on ther bloody own to cave where they know there gonna be bad stuff. To drink some black goo and be attacked by golem clones from lord of the rings. And whilst im thinking of rip offs the luck potion it was dangerously close to coping red dwarf there…. But then desided to just make harry potter buzzing his titts of. And then jim brordbent just got pissed and told him anyway. Yeah that was lucky.

Now for the remaing 5 hours that I have to wait a year or so for (to be dragged to buy the wife) he’s going to be hunting for the remaing objects wopt de bloody doo. Not some appointed magic used task force. A schoolboy. And I really crap one at that.

In short.

All very well and good not knowing about evil force twisting things from behind closed doors. Now they know about evil why the hell are they sitting with their thumbs up there butts sending schoolboys off to get half drowned buy low rent golem clones

Hotter than hell sweatier than satans jock strap.

I have “commandeered” some fans from work that only have a moderate chance of bursting into flames. Thus defeating the object of them really. But short of putting myself in the fridge I really dint know what to do. My house was obviously designed by thermos. When its cold there’s ice in my house and its actually warmer outside. When it’s hot my house leaches all the heat from the world and stores it inside. Yah I live in a flask.

Well im arranging these fans to mainly point at my side of the sofa. And not the wife’s but make it look like they are mainly pointing at her. She come home and says the cat looks hot.

“The cat looks hot” (she I told you she said that)
“na babe hes fine…. Help me aim these fans at my cods”
she flicks me some disapproving look…. The one I get 90% of the day. “I think wee should bath him to cool him down”

at this point I have a flashback ‘nam stile to the horror before

the was no getting around it she was going to dunk the cat. And I had to be there to make the cat think it was my doing. So any reparations would be down to me.
5 mins later I was standing with a soggy cat and my blood on the wrong side of my skin

“Harry….. Wake up”
“uuuuuuuurrrrgggghhh….????”
“Wake up….” She hits me
“ahhhh bloody hell what woman?”
“The cat looks ill”
“What?”
“Alfie doesn’t look very well”
“hes a cat hes all hairy and evil how can you tell”
“He just doesn’t look very well”
“HE IS BLOODY FINE”

as the last syllable is said the cat spectacularly projective vomits

A told you so face appears on the wife’s face

“See I told you he was ok” I add for comedy effect

The cat then sidesteps and vomits again.

“Ok ill call the vet”

5 am i'm engrossed in a lucid dream the like of witch I haven’t experienced in years. I’m blissfully unaware of what its about to happen as an intruder silently and stethaly creeps into my room. In the half-light he must have mistaken witch end of the bed I was sleeping or he intended to wake me, the answer to this I will never know. He rains down an attack on my foot. My dream is replaced by white agony then confusion. He’s hurt me enough to wake me but not incapacitate me. I’m confused and my eyes haven’t adjusted to the light. I raise my left arm to defend myself and he attacks with all his might. In the maelstrom my arm takes the full force of his attack, some how though if manage to knock him to the floor. My eyes just about adjust as my eyes meet his. His next attack is quick. Quicker then I could possibly expect. I feel the flesh of my cheek parting. All I can reach is the pillow I swing hard. Somehow it connects well and he is halted in his attack on my face. He tumbles to the floor again. But has time to correct his fall and lands neatly. He looks at me. I feel the blood running down my cheek. His message is delivered. He lets out a satisfied meaow, turns flicks his tail and is gone into the darkness.

Eurovision and bathing the cat.

So no wogan…. I had my doubts weather it would still have the magic. When it was announced I was confident he was the logical choice. The boy did good. He added a level of bitchyness to proceedings. The drinking game rules change every year mainly because we get so wasted they go out the window and no once can rember them. This year the wife was ill so I had to drive her home so no gin and relentless for me. This was possibly a blessing in descise as I think gin and relentless could have killed me…. Or would have done some serous tinkering with my digestive tract that the maintenance men at sothernwater would not have thanked me for. The people in charge of making up the rules said. Drink at power grabs, shaven chests, bitchy comments, campness etc….. then when it gets to the scoring drink for every point England gets. In prevose years this was a bit of relief at our nil points. This year I think they drank 171 times at out 5th place. 171 drinks for the melted paedophile walrus face of sir Andrew Lloyd Webber.

The mrs wanted to bath the cat. She said she’s always wanted too and id always wanted to reseve a rususative procedure. So angering an animal with teeth and claws seemed the logical choice and chelle said I should expect at the very least a blood transfusion.

I have to say the cat wasn’t best please at the whole affair but he didn’t try to kill us. No one got injured witch was a shock as I was hoping I would be so hurt it would get me out of my Sunday afternoon washing up chore. “Sorry love you’ll have to do it I need to go to A&E and get my hand put back on”

the say a picture speeks athousand words.... and it probubly will in my prossicutions case at my animal crulty trial

he was suspisious i took his collur off

lured him in with a duck

he sat there and took it like a man

alfie mid shake teh watter off like a dog

he's a hairy liittle beast

some more noncence cartoons ive beein commisioned to make

I think someone is trying to subvertly mock me by taking signs from the near by road works and place them faceing into my shop window at my desk.
The signs read ……SLOW

Cat shit

When we moved into “our” new gaff it was immediately taken over by the wife and alfie. With all my interior design suggestion immediately dismissed with a thin smile a chuckle… pat on the head and a suggestion like. “that’s lovely but ive already got that sorted out hows about you go and set up the telly.”

So with no power to veto the ca litter tray goes next to the bath. (Probably where I would have put it to…. But that’s not the point). So it leaves me in this situation.

Sitting in the bath thinking about the horrors of work
The cat comes in cherps his little cat greeting, and looks at me a little too long as if to say, you going to get out now? Then he breaks eye contact with a little cat sigh and goes to his tray. Where he locates a spot, refused to make eyecontct with me. The same way any men do in a communal lavatory do. And makes a puffing out his cheeks thrutching face.

Now his poopy stinks …… properly stinks … makes your eyes burn….. its probably all that Guinness and pork scratchings im feeding him on the sly.

Then he's done

But no he doesn’t leave it in the tray for me to quickly bad tag and launch out the window. He starts kicking it about the bathroom it what I suppose in his little feline brain is helping me out. the little twit kicks all of it behind him. Then turns around to see it all over the place. The thinks that will never do. And starts kicking it all in the other direction. With me flailing around in the bath trying to stop him.

To be honest ive looked better.

My curse

Im pretty sure iv mentioned this before. But I have mechanics and cars and everything. When ever I take my car to anyware to get fixed . they fix something that doesn’t need fixing and ignore what I asked them to do…. Or 10 mins later if falls off my car. Or I get ripped off. They just generally fuck up and don’t do the work and over charge me


Monday I phone up. And ask for my car to be serviced and mot’ed. And tell them that the windscreen washer pump needs replacing and that my boot lock has broken and needs replacing.

Then on leaving my car today. I say this is the things that need doing windscreen washer pump and the boot lock. Coz they are mot fails arnt they? Bloke checks it written in the book and takes my key.


Few hours later I get a phone call. Sorry sir your car has failed its mot.

The windscreen washers don’t work and we cant open the boot to get at the spare wheel. Both mot failures


BUNCH OF CUNTS

MY PHONE BEEPS WITH A NEW TXT AT AROUND MIDNIGHT

“I am home safe and sound thanx 4 a fab nightx”

I REPLY “my plesure. Not sure im the person u ment to txt. And I defnatlywasnt out with anyone tonight but glad your safe”

(id mostly been sitting in my pants playing xbox and eating a kabab)

“Thanx 4 gud thoughts but I guessi have the wrong number 4 the person I wanted!”

“So you worked who you where with then? Hope you haven’t been ‘flert diverted’ or what ever them kids call it”

yeah yeah I thought I was being so funny…. Next day carly comes home from work.

“why where you sending my boss weird txts”
“do what love?”
“you txt my boss and I had to explane to her what flirt divert was”
“ohh…. She txt me say thank for the great night…. How the hell did she have my number?”
“ohh I called her from you phone”

the fall of lycos

well they have served me well. if anyone uses my lycos accont dont bother anymore it shuts down 15/2/09

shame realy

Electrisaty

Been having some cost problems with the electric. Basicly the key meter I put money on makes it disaper faster than visit to a fair. On a side note way the fuck is the fair called the fair. Coz I don’t know anyone who managed to get one of theose tings over the block that 3 times bigger than the ring and won a can of spectial brew with a tenner stuck to it. the electrisaty meter had fleased me for 100 notes in 30 days. I almost impressed by how little electrisaty I had used and how much it had cost. Just having a bath cost me £3 in electric. And buy the blog before indicated I wasn’t using the heating as that using more money. And littrly changing it to leira and burning it would have kept me warmer and been more cost effective.

So I got the electrisaty bord to come and change the meter (hopeing this would save me money this I wont know for a while)

As customery with all stupid events in my life it involves a wizend old deaf bloke.

There a knock at the dore and there this wizend old bloke, (see told you) and it tooke my about 2 mins to realise he was deaf.

No this is going to be dificlet to wright because the man could hear me when looking at me but not when he was looking away. It was like a 2 ronnies scetch

“im here to swap you meter”
“good stuff this way, its in the cubbard”

the bloke goes in the cubbard

“oh here it is”
“yep…. Would you like a drink?”
“so im changing this for an economy 7 meter am I?”
“I think so. That’s what I need for my night storage heaters isn’t it?
he turns around and has a confused smile on his face
I repeat “economy 7 for night storage heaters”
“yeah much cheeper”
he turns away
“so …. Do you want a drink?”
“yeah………(there is a slight pause and we both begine to talk at the same time)
these key ones cost a fortune
tea? Coffee? Squash

he dosent seem to have notised that I offerd him drinks

he turns around still babbly about the meater

“do you want a drink?”
“ohh no thanks had loads of tea earlier”

at that point the cat come out and starts trying to kick all the stuff out of he tool box

“ohh sorry (I grab the cat… the blokes head is in the cobbard) you ok with cats not elergit or anything.”
“this woman made me 4 cups of tea earlier”
“ohh right…. That’s a lot…. Umm you ok with the cat?”
“some days I get loads of drinks and some days I get none”
“ohh right”
“so… you live on a bit of a building site here don’t you”
“yeah… be good when its done … its going to be a car park”
“I hear it going to be a car park” (NO YOU DON’T FUCKING HEAR DO YOU)
he pop out the cubord

“ohh hello cat…. Ive got 2 myself”

hes thae for 15 mins and everything I say he then brings up about 2 mins after I have said it.

I know this hasn’t really worked well as a blog. but it slightly more intresting than me moaning that im cold

Night. 11:30. My bathroom


I enter. Reflecting on the tasks still for me to do to the new gaff I begin to urinate.

I glance out of the window.

The window is frosted glass

The cogs in my brain turn…

I don’t rember that window being frosted glass…

And its quite a pretty pattern compared to other frosted witndows ive seen

On closer inspection its ice

ON THE FUCKING INSIDE

On joy
As the wife says…… it really is the house that jack built


(on reflection you probubly didnt need to know i was having a wee..... )

Good-bye 2008

This year has gone fast, it only seems like a its lasted a few months. Not 12. It doesn’t seem long ago I did my see 65 days of static in Southampton then Camden. And they opened with a song called good-bye 2007. Now its 2009. 2008 was strange. Lots of deaths and a lot of babies popped out or on their way to clawing there way for people wombs. My facebook friends list is full of people that at school where im never having kids then 10 years later poopin’ ‘em out. Does it seem like 10 years since the end of school?

Well on to 2009. got my new (new to me) maisonette. Ive put the wife in it and got her cat back. No small feat that. If you read my blog in the summer or talked to me I was plagued by the thing but also strangely attached to it. The little shit used to wake me up every day at 4:30amand no matter what I did I couldn’t stop it from doing this or get him from going crazy until around 7:30 where I had to get up and he’d curl up purr contentedly then fall asleep. He also has a lot of strange little cat emotions. Basically he gets revenge if you tell him off. He'll walk over and slowly tip your drink over. Or claw you the sit there with his back to you looking at you out the corner of his eye. He also is unbelievably jellouse. Anyhoo. In the time hes been away hers learnt new tricks for waking me up. Before he just used to jump on me and lick me and kinda head but me. Now hes got evil. He can now make this sound like a baby crying. Witch kind of makes you panic thinking what’s wrong. And hes sitting there looking pleased with himself. But the worst so far is thing trick. He jumps up on you or new to you head. Pokes out his middle claw. Then with all the precision of a surgeon pokes it into the middle of your top lip. Its like how the fuck does he know that your lip is one of the most sensitive places on the human body. Im just dredging that he doesn’t decide shivving you in the eye works better.

Well there’s loads of shit wrong with my new gaff witch im guaranteed to moan about later. Ie the single glazed windows and fuck all heating. This morning there was ice on the windows. Like a car gets iced up. And the fact that the electricity meter is a massive con. And robs me to the tune of £20 a week. More on this later

Happy New Year