“can I have an eye test” “I can book you in but we are full for the rest of the year next date available is 5^th Jan” “not today” “no sorry” “please?” “the optometrist is not here today” “can you do it” “afraid not” “why?” “because im not an optometrist”. “how long does it take?” “the test takes around half an hour” “so we can do that now?” “no as I explained there is no optometrist here today” “its only the HGV test” “well that doesn’t change anything” “I only need the HGV part” “well the HGV normaly ask for a full test and sometimes extra tests depending on the job” “how much?” “a test is £24 pounds” “so if I come back in a bit we do it” “look there isn’t an optometrist in today” “I only need the HGV bit” “do you have the form?” “no” “well all I can do is book you in in the new year” “can I go in and look at the wall?” “no” “please?” “NO” “do specsavers have any tests?” “how should I know?” “coz you work in an opticians” “yeah I do … THIS opticians not specasvers” “so you wont book me with them?” “er????? Wha? No…” so I cant just go in the room over there and have a test” “sorry no bye bye” I usher him out the door

Its on street all day parking in aldershit and the ticket machines are on the pavement backs to the wall faceing the road. So to buy one you have to stand in the middle of the pavement. But the pavement it easily big enough for 3 abreast walking. I get to the machine a few seconds before a middle to old age woman. And because im parking all day its £3.60 and the wife has filled my wallet with 20p’s so I deside to off load them. This woman is standing next to me impatiently. As I get to around the £2 mark she lets out an large sigh, followed by a "tut" and then adjust her posture in an impatient way. Im trying not to pay any attention. My ticket seems to take ages to print and then takes me a few seconds to pick it out of the workings of the machine. And the woman makes an audible “at last” kind of pantomime sigh. I shoot her a thin “good morning you old bat” smile. And go to ticket in my car. I look at the woman to see how longs she takes to use the machine so when I get close I can say something like “printing slow this morning” but no she’s not even used the machine she just carried on walking up the road. Now I know im quite a bit fatter than I was 10 yeas ago. But there was still plenty of room to walk round me!

Im here to collect my wife’s glasses. I spend a few mins trying to find her record. Nothing in glasses collection. (getting slightly embarrassed its taking so long to find. I check the computer no glasses on order. I look in the contact lens system she has some contact lenses on order. “umm…. I don’t have any glasses on order with us, she does however have some contact lenses that are here ready” “yes she told me that her glasses where contact lenses” “pardon?” “yeah im here to get her glasses that are contact lenses” “her contact lenses?” “yes her glasses that are contact lenses” “here you go then” “does she need her glasses fitted?” “errr? These are her regular shipment of contact lenses” “yeah her glasses that are contact lenses” “she doesn’t need these fitted no its her regular supply” “so her glasses don’t need fitting?” “I don’t know about her glasses she hasn’t ever ordered any from us” “yes she has these glasses that are contact lenses” “well best you just giver her the contact lenses and she can call me if she needs anything” “ok thanks”

A very little man came is with the biggest turban I have ever seen, he looked exactly like the sultan in Disney Aladdin. “Hello young boy” “hi” “ im a fortune teller, I can tell you everything about yourself” (clearly got my age wrong from his opening statement) “well im working at the moment so im not allowed to do stuff like that on work time” “you have the eye of the tiger and the eye of love” “ right like I said sorry im busy “ “I shall come back later its very important, you a very lucky. I do forehead line reading and palms.”

I wonder witch eye is witch? And would he have a field day with Gordon Ramsey.

What’s with people standing in Victoria road at 2am and screaming they what a fight. Screaming for about and hour and not acutely having the fight that they very loudly insist they crave.

The first as an Asian man, im saying Asia and west Asia. Well that’s where his family was from but im guessing he’s never been anyware other than the grotty London tower block he lives in and coming to Farnborough was a treat for him. So London chav accent mixed with someing west of India. That is my best guess.

He was standing at the very start of the bus stop. Witch is pretty much below my bedroom window. He was basically shouting racial abuse at the black bouncer about 75 yards away on the door of witherspoons. When asked what he was doing and why wouldn’t her go over and say the stuff he was saying to the bouncer. He replied he was waiting for a bus. Even though the bus stop is actually about 12 feet from the door of spoons and much much closer to the bouncer. Who was unable to leave his door duties. Also I would argue more importantly what bus was he expecting to get after 2 am on a Sunday morning.

He kept calling the bouncer the “N” word. Then clamed it was ok for him to do so as he was black too. Also he said “you can only call someone a bitch if you have been to London” this exchange went on for longer than I care to remember , but I knew the bouncer would be finishing in a bit. As soon as the moment came the bouncer started to walk towards him and he scurried off like a little bitch (ive been to London so I can say it) and he was out of my field of view. The funniest part was as the bouncer came onto view properly he was about 5 foot and must have weighed 8 stone. Not to judge the bouncers physical abilities but the mouthy twat was much much bigger than him. There’s nothing funnier than a bigger bloke running away from a little bloke. Next thing 3 police cars roll up. Im assuming they put the twat in the car as someone was kicking the doors form the inside. And the police then spent 40 mins interviewing the door staff and some bloke who came from noware in a vis vest and kept me awake dubble the time.

After that anti climax of a fight it only got louder and worse. 2am Monday morning. Car horn and shouting wakes me up. Theres a car full of people honking and shouting at the top of there lungs at some bloke in the middle of the street. And when the bloke got close to the car they would still with there doors open shouting drive round the block. They where screaming something about “crack head” “that they had “assessed” that he could take is coat off” and a strange chant “southwood, southwood show us your trick” he defiantly said trick.i know this because he repeated it about 50 times. This went of for ages. When one of my nabours shouted at them he was met with abuse.

Ive still not actually seen one punch being thrown. Ive seen one bloke being held back by his mates …. And he wasn’t even trying to hard to get to the person he wanted to fight. If your gonna have a fight have a fight stop shouting nonsense and waking everyone up.

list of all the wierdos i met when i was in the usa

Strange lady at sea world that was shouting at me ”look look the are feeding the eels” whilst we where standing at the well signed stingray tank.

The crazy man that threw his bad so hard at the closed bus door that it broke the wheels off his bad then started screaming and trying to punch the middle aged female bus driver.

An odd couple that kept saying the where from “san Francisco” like it was code for something and stroking carlys hand like they wanted to do some wife swap. Then the woman said to me my sister is “at” Bristol. So I said university and she looked at me odd and said “err no she works at orange.”

And odd eastern European couple that kept cornering me in the airport and talking to me in language that I could not even identify let alone understand and not letting me walk by. They did this a number of times.

The strange lady that ranted for 15 mins at us saying that she hated obama for sending all the tax money to us so we didn’t have to live on mud huts. It was all obamas and Europe fault.

The gay couple that kept saying racest comments and misquoted Monty python sketches at me in what they clamed was a perfect English accents.

Everyone that said “we love Australia” “I love you ozzys” and“ you’re from new south Wales right”

The half Hawaiian and half Asian bloke who’s surname was “Wan” who thought he was English. Evan thos no one in his family or him have ever been to or come from England. And he said “coz wan is an English name”

Phone rings. Please could you tell me when I’m due for an eye test. I start looking up their record. Cant find it. check computer, then paper, then address, then spelling, the maiden name, date of birth search. “do you know who you saw last time you where here?” “ohh ive never been to you, I normally do to XXXXX opticians in fleet” “well you called me in Aldershot” “I know I couldn’t get threw to them on the phone so I decided to ask you”

More adventures with sports centre machines. As you previously may remember I was a porky 13 st 6lbs that 85.7kg for any of you using the Latin. And my body fat was “good” at just over 20%. That was around April. Possibly march

So now it’s September so 5 or 6 months

Ive lost a staggering 4 lbs…. Please please stop I can hear your gasps of amazement.

Bu then I notice something else. My B.M.I was 28 now its 27.3 so that’s better even tho bmi is a massive pile of bollox on toast

Then I read down. MY COCKING BODY FAT ID NOW 24.4% is was just over 20%

So let me get this. Im 4 lbs lighter…. But about 4 % more fat. MORE FAT!!!!

WHAT THE HELL HAVE I LOST!!!!!!! A foot?

And by my most likely wrong calculations that like putting on 2 kg of fat

A quest for stamps….

Walk in a queue up at the till in the co-op. takes ages. Many Old women are buying 60 john player specials, and you know they will be in there tomorrow doing the same. I get to the front and ask for 2 book of 12 first class stamps and 4 books of second. The girl looks at me like im talking another language. Then it starts to dawn on her what I have asked for. Then her face contorts and looks like I have asked her a riddle. “you do have stamps right?” “yeah” she pulls out some tatty tea stained bit card that could well have been a bit of cereal packet. And start to punch in some codes to the till. It rings up the correct price. (im slightly shocked) I hand over £40 and she automatically puts it into a note deposit box. (not sure what they are called but the are under the till and the put the notes in then press a “clacky” button and then light fingered staff can pilfer the monies.) she then opens a box and looks slightly shocked. “there’s no stamps” I do my best to only look slightly annoyed and my best raising 1 eyebrow like Rodger Moore (witch I cant do). She calls over someone and they take 5 mins and open another box and there’s no stamps. Then they call someone from “out back” (and the might as well been in the sodding outback for the time it took them to arrive) then they said the would get someone to look in the safe and see if there was stamps. Whilst this was going on I asked if I could have my change. As the woman serving me was extremely likely to forget. As I suspected she had, and had to serve someone else in order to get the till open. The person came from the safe in the outback and reported there was no stamps. “ohh well have to do a refund” and bless her she picked up and under stood why I was giving her the stink eye when she picked up a gift card in order to process my “refund”. “ill get the supervisor as I cant get your money its in the box” that’s 25 mins of my life I wont get back. It all could have been prevented by something simpler than a noel Edmonds game show. LOOKING IN A BOX

Idiot raciest came in...........

“you see those two?” he points at two Nepalese old men and my heart sinks because I know what’s to come. “yes” “do you know why they have those stupid hats?” “nope” “ coz they are the kings body guards. Whet the hell are they doing over her...e when the should be guarding their king” looking at them id be surprised if their combined age is below 160. “I think they are probably retired” hes not listening. “well I think they should go home and do there job” “yeah coz there like mr miyagi” (I say quietly as he turns and leaves)

2 idiots in quick succession.

How is it possible that a woman stinking of piss standing in the rain holding twigs she’s picked from a rounderabout clam to be selling “luck” if she had any and I mean any at all she wouldn’t be in Aldershot.

Some girl/woman walks in “you got any jobs going” “well if you pop in a CV ill pass it on to the owner” “Er?” “a CV” “what?” “a curriculum vitae” “what?” “a résumé” “Er?” “No we don’t have any jobs sorry”

Some bloke comes in with a European accent, witch I am unable to place. And wants to see “the lightest possible glasses I have” so I show the rimless, pure titanium’s and flexons. He spends about 10 mins trying things on and wanting to weigh them. He starts going into the finer points of what a flexon frame is made of, and how much less weight a rimless is compared to a rimmed simmaler frame. So much so hes talking about weight added by spring hinges. Then out of noware he starts talking about “8 new pieces of technology to protect you from screens” but cant telly me what they are…. Or what a screen is going to do to you for that matter. I explain coatings to him but he boasts that this technology isn’t in this country yet and snorts at my lack of knowledge of it. I then say “well weight can be saved also by high index lenses and different lens designs depending on his prescription”. “ohh good no I don’t want plastic plastic is crap” “right I say a little puzzled do you have any idea of your prescription?” “+0.50 I want glass, glass is pure, its in my camera, 1.6 index glass” “you do know that that is likely to be mixed with lead to make it 1.6 and it will be more than double in weight ” he camply gasped and looked shocked. For those of you not quite understanding this is the closest analogy I can think of. Hes buying a Ferrari when all he needs is a pair of shoes and with that Ferrari he has bought a hippo and put it in the boot

3 people just came in together. “we want glasses” “right do you need eye tests or have you had them recently?” “we are on pension credit so its free” “not really what I asked. have you got prescriptions?” “we’re on pension credit so glasses are free” “umm … no they are not” “where are the free ones?” “I don’t give glasses away free” “why not?” “coz id go bankrupt” the conversation then repeats its self with him saying where on benefits so we you have to give us glasses free a lot. Then he starts to try to haggle with me. But its not really haggling he sort of trying to get me to give him a £100 frame for free. “well im gonna go to my doctor then and he’ll wright a letter saying you have to give me glasses for free” “please don’t waste the GP’s time … and im defiantly not giving you anything for free”

two nutters so far today

Had an odd phone conversation. I was trying to order the special rubbish sacks you have to use here. “afternoon” “wishing you day away(I was trying to be light-hearted as it was only 9:15)” “what?” “is that sita?” “yeah” “hi id like to order some of the refuse sacks please” “how many rolls you want?” “how meny is on a roll?” depends on what size roll we give you” “ok can you tell me the sizes of the rolls then?” “some are 25 per roll and some are 50 a roll” “ok well if you are going to give me rolls of 25 then ill take 4 rolls and if you are going to give me rolls of 50 then I will have 2 rolls” “w...hat?…..so you saying you want 100 sacks?” “yes please” “ok” and she hung up. She has no cocking idea how or where I am so how s she going to send them to me. I immediately tried to call back and there is now no answer

Very odd-looking woman just came in. she must have been late 20’s but had a dress on that looked like it belonged to someone in their 80’s, a hair cut that it looks like he did herself, and woolly socks and sandals. She wanted to buy a glasses case. I found 2 that would fit her glasses. And it took her a full 10 mins to pick between them. Then out of the blue she said this. “its terrible isn’t it?” “what is?” “the shops closing?” I sort of glanced out the window thing I had missed something from a shop across the street. “which shop?” “all the shops closing Thornton’s, carpet right and tj Hughes” “oh right well its how things are going at the moment”(I say trying to politely end the conversation) “do you know why I think it is?” “ the state of the economy?” “ no I think its coz bills keep going up, the electricity people put the bill up, the water people put the bill up, bbc put up tv licence, road tax goes up, car insurance goes up.” She looks at me like she discovered the meaning of life. “I think you have hit the nail on the head there”(I say only very slightly sarcastically) “well its terrible those shops closing” “umm… we don’t have any of them in Aldershot anyway” “the licence fee if more than car tax” “well that all depends on your car” “it’s a Cleo… the tv licence is terrible” “im sure its fixed at the moment for a few years” “no its not …. I like watchdog” (that’s a cocking bbc program I scream in my head) “right well I have got to get on…” “you have no customers” “well there’s lots of paperwork”(and I have to stick this soul destroying conversation on facebook) she then goes on to poorly and inaccurately describe inflation to me in the most basic of terms but thinks she s discovered it like it’s a big mystery or secret. “are you trying to describe inflation?” “What?” “umm I really have to get on sorry” I usher her towards the door and she looks annoyed.

Two word film reviews

Thor: above average

X men 2: surpasses first

X men: the last stand: disappointing plot

X men origins: wolverine: solid effort

Just married: plain drivel

Déjà vu: good thriller

Porridge: classic comedy

Seems its not just me that gets idiots.

I walk into the dentist and get sent into the waiting room. I sit don and there is 1 other person there. a man in his 60’s. hes eyeballing me with a look of contempt. I look at him and pull a comedic confused expression of his contempt. (I know that doesn’t make sense…. He was looking at me odd so I pulled a way are you looking at me odd face). He looked away. But kept looking at me like I had broken in his house and voided my bowel on his rug. This went on for about 15 mins the the window thing opened and the women poked her head threw and say “mr. Tailor if you’d like to go up.” The guy just saw there. And started stairing at me again. And a few mins passed

“That not you then?” I said

“uuu?” he grunted

“Is that not you then?”

“what name did they call?”

“mr tailor”

“oh” he snorted

he got to his feet and stomped out.

I was still waiting when he came down to re-book for his next check up

“so shall I rebook you for 6 months mr tailor” the woman said politely

“no…. pfft to expensive make it 9 months”

“ohh ok…. Now lets look im going to need next years diary hand on…”

“what?”

“well 9 months takes us into next year…”

“no I don’t want next year I want November”

“right the woman says confused” and politely books him in for November the 3rd

if it was me I would have pointed out that that’s 6 months to the cocking day!

Two word film reviews

Green hornet: comic fodder

Unstoppable: tense scott

How to train your dragon: surprisingly good

X men: first class

Legends of the guardians the owls of g’hol : beautiful yawn

two word film reviews

megamind: mildly amusing

tron legacy: stylish sentimentality

Two word film reviews

Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone : magical fun

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets : maintains standard

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban : slightly disappointing

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire: thrilling triumph

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix : very dull

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince : pleasingly dark

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (part1): slow burner

6 days 7 nights: very average

2 word film reviews

Harry potter and the deathly hallows part 1: slow burner

Sherlock Holmes (guy Ritchie version): clever fun

Robin hood men in tights: brooks classic

Two word film reviews.
Machete: too silly.
The hangover: passable comedy.

We to the sports centre, trying to be a bit more healthy. Ive been letting the sport slip a bit as of late

I had one of these height and weight and body fat things done

And its weighed me up at a porky 13 st 6lbs that 85.7kg for any of you using the Latin

It says my BMI is 28… so that makes me over weight and it recons I should be 12 stone.

So 1^stone 6lbs or about 10kg to loose then.

In its next bit its says my body fat is GOOD (at just over 20%)

So hang on… if I have the right about of body fat….. im not at all mussley. Where the cocking hell is this 10kg im supposed to loose going to come from?

Bone?

A whole leg?

A particularly traumatising poo?

two word film reviews.

Skyline: B-movie tosh.

Due date: unfunny disapontment.

Kiss kiss bang bang: undervalued gem.

dirty rotten scoundrels: comady class

You find me in an odd mood dear reader

Slightly melancholy with world events and people stupid reactions and jokes. Now im normally the first to make a joke about something inappropriate. But some of the stuff ive seen isn’t funny. And is then just offensive. Yes you should laugh of misfortune. Yes you should laugh at everything going wrong. But you still should remember that people have died.

Also what’s annoying me is the fact that Germany has shut down nuclear power plants… now im not even educated in nucualer physics, power generation, history, or geography. But im pretty sure Germany isn’t a tsunami hot spot.

Also 2012 hang on……

Some drug addict twat out side just walked up to a Nepalese gentleman and said

“s’cuse me. Can I ask a favour”

“yes”

“can you move out your flat so I can move in”

“??”

“coz I cant get a flat”

“???”

“yeah that’s what I thought fucking great you twat”

yeah ok back to 2012 im not talking about the London Olympics

im talking about the end of the world or more importantly the retards that think it will be the end of the world.

I direct you to this video

If still not convinced that the world is not going to end. Then If you own a house I will buy it from you 5 grand. You can live in it rent free for a year and if the world ends the you are quids in. if it dosnt then you move out. are you that sure it will end?

Please note I cannot be held responsible for any mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, karma, dharma, metaphysical, religious, philosophical, Logical , Ethical, Aesthetical, or financial damage caused by this post

The human race is doomed (contains sweeping generalisations to intentionly cause offence)

Work shy thick people have lots of kids and this causes them to have low income and thus a greater chance of poor education. Poor education, poor income, workshy, more kids. Ever turning cycle when even if there was the glimmer of home of 1 person being some kind of genus that could save mankind they have more chance of being dole scum.

Rich clever people who are saving mankind have fewer children and because they are working. Cresh there children instead of nurture. So the chance of their passed down intelligence is snuffed out by the social awquard resentful that mummy and daddy packed them off o boarding school. Doesn’t actually do anything as they can sit blow their inheritance.

So on a long enough timeline intelligence is decreased

just had a woman in who wanted react to light lenese but refused to look at any glasses because they have clear lenses in. and couldnt understand that it would that model frame with lenses made for it. she stood looking at the sunglasses and complaine that i didnt have a very big react to light range

this one dosnt seem to be here for some reason. se the re post

mondays 2 word film reviews.

Alien: cinematic masterpiece.

Aliens : logical continuation.

Alien 3: underated gem.

alien resurrection: turgid joss whedon space pirate pile of shit

(just couldnt stick to 2 words on the last one)

This weeks 2 word film reviews.

RED: charismatic fun.
Social network: cinematic class.
Burke and Hare: cameo extravaganza.
Despicable me: bloody brilliant.
Shrek the third: please don’t.
Shrek forever after: make anymore

Oct holy crap that was a while ago

Well been planning the wedding a lot and lets just say there’s lots to do. Taken up a lot of time

So one idiot of the week for you

Bloke comes in with very badly bent glasses

“Right sir I’m not sure these are going to take being bent back”
he looks at me angry “well I was told they where indestructible”
“by who?”
“the people that where here before you”
“before me? Well I have been here 11 years”
“oh… but they are supposed to be indestructible”
“sir nothing is indestructible… these are made of titanium so they are light weigh and defiantly would not have been sold as indestructible”
“cant you heat them up”
“pardon?”
“cant you heat them up and bend them back”
“well off the top of my head sir the melting point of titanium is approximately 1500 oC. apart from not being able to touch them i think that might damage the paint”
I go out back and do a damn good job of keeping them in one piece and getting the wearable
“there you go did my best, hopefully last you until you can have an eye test and sort another pair”
“I thought titanium was indestructible”
His angry face changed when I gave him the news “ nothing is indestructible”
He grumbled and walked out with not so much as a thank you for fixing my glasses that I have been a numb nuts and stepped on